hello friends,

Our weekly therapy session was moved from thursday to monday as individual therapist is going to be out of town.

BPDd-13 asked me to send more vitamins, allergy meds (otc).  Said she is "out of my Prozac and Abilify".  Said she did not take her meds today then she said she wasn't going to take her Omega 3-6-9 anymore...asked "do you want  me to over dose?"    Said her skin and hair are fine so she doesn't need them anymore.  I told her it also helps with healthy brain function...please think about continuing the Omega 3-6-9...you Can take as much as 3 per day...it is only beneficial as long as you are taking it.  BPDd-13 said "ok, i'll think about it".

The session began ok with talk about how BPDd-13 had made a 3d diagram that shows the "levels" of "stuff" she is working on.  She described it as a hole from the bottom up:

~low self image

~easily hurt

~easily angered

~assuming

~arguing

~positive life

and then she said "it starts now".

Right before the session started the group was watching an episode of "little house on therapist he prairie" studying feelings.  anger=scared, or hurt, or sad.  BPDd-13 said she get hurt when people are mean to her at falcon ridge.  nonverbal such as rolling their eyes, verbal, such as being rude or arguing.  The therapist asked her how she could stand up for herself and be assertive without becoming aggressive or passive aggressive...BPDd-13 replied "by asking them to watch their nonverbal communication, and asking them to watch their care and concern".  

The therapist  then asked her if she was passive at school and aggressive at home...BPDd-13 replied "you mean take it out on mom and dad?"  The therapist  attempted to translate how boundaries she set with her horse at the residential treatment center are for her own protection and a better relationship w/the horse.  BPDd-13 related that I was aggressive by setting my boundaries about calling 911 when she would make threats of self harm, running away, suicide, threats against me w/violence.  BPDd-13 said "mom does that because she hates me.  they don't want me at home, that's why I am here".  

BPDd-13 finally conceded that there is no difference between her setting boundaries for her safety and me setting boundaries for mine as well as hers during a crisis at home.  t told her that mom and dad tried everything else and bringing you to falcon ridge is "another rope they are throwing you to help  you get yourself out of that hole."  by this time BPDd-13 was so emotionally dysregulated nothing was getting through.  

The therapist  said lets talk about some favorite memories.  :)ad went first and named several. At my turn I talked about our back to school shopping trip from last year and how much fun we had and how well she did spending the $.  t said "she is smiling".  BPDd-13 recalled a memory that involved her little wiener dog and then she began to cry.  our next therapist session is on her dogs' birthday (she usually would  have a small party for him w/gifts and invite over her friends and they would bring their dogs).  i asked her what she would like for us to get her dog for his birthday.  i could hardly understand her for the sobbing.

The therapist asked us if we could have the party during our next session and let the dog be part of our session...ok...  the therapist  suggested BPDd-13 write a poem about her dog and read it over the phone next week.

We ended the session w/i love yous and I miss yous...BPDd-13 still crying.

I called the residential treatment center nurse to ask about the meds...she said "no, she is not out of meds".  said she was not the one who administered them this am so she would have to check and see what is going on. she said they have the increased dosage I ok'd...told her "i never ok'd. I specifically told case manager to wait on the increase as pdoc wanted to talk to staff first."  

A few hours later individual therapist and psychiatrist (pdoc) call  me as I am about to go into the vets office.  We talked for about 25 min. about the meds, about BPDd-13 being emotionally disreglated today, about BPDd-13 presenting flat affect to some staff and cheerful and happy to others...depending on the activity they are doing.  pdoc asked me "lbjnltx, have you ever done any research on BPD?"

i had to laugh...told him "yes, extensively.  i have read several books and belong to an online support group for people who deal with a borderline"."  he said "well, i've been doing this for 30 years and BPD's can still be confusing".  i replied "yes, it is a very complex disorder and difficult to treat".  he replied "i agree".  so there it is...confirmation again... :'(  and   that perhaps her therapy can be more focused since they have come to some conclusion.  in the end...BPDd-13 will increase her Prozac to 30 mg/day and decrease abilify from 15mg to 7.5 mg/day...as it is not helping her "mood" and has such a tiring side affect.

What a day...7 am.  cats are "playing" with a rat.  7:15 am, neighbors dogs are chasing a rabbit and scare the cats, 7:25 rat gets away.  8am rat is gone...now there is a rattlesnake in the driveway and husband goes out and shoots it w/the 22.  then asks "where are the extra shells?"  they are most likely locked in the gun safe that husband has lost the keys to... ;p    10am therapist session w/emotionally dysregulated BPDd-13. 3pm..case manager at residential treatment center tells me the coat is had ordered and had sent for BPDd-13 doesn't fit...what do you want me to do with it.?  also tells me social calls are now on wednesday at 3:30...not today. (BPDd-13 is expecting us to call in about 30 minutes... :'( so I am concerned she will be even more upset if we don't call).  4pm   therapist and pdoc call comes in while I am at the vet and car overheats 105 outside today.  5pm pharmacist calls and credit card has expired as well as insurance card...talking to him 112 in the walmart parking lot.    6pm.  finally back home and stepson calls and needs to vent about relationship w/live in girlfriend.  6:45 dinner...frozen pizza as it is too late to start the casserole...

i can only hope today will be better.

9:30 fell asleep on the couch with the dog wrapped in towels from his bath and woke up at 11 something with a terrible neck ache!   ;p

lbjnltx

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BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

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I hope today is better also! 

Lots of faith and hope coming your way, lbjntlx.

  DreamGirl

lbjnltx  ;p  What a day. Tomorrow has to be better. Your DD will be OK - she is in a safe place and her roller coaster will settle to a stop for at least a littel while. She is doing such hard work, and I know how painful it must feel as such a loving mom for you to be on the other end of a phone line getting the 'body language' piece second hand.

Thanks so much for sharing you story with us all here. Hope you get some sleep, a cooler breeze blows thru soon, and all the critters keep to themselves for a day or so.

keeping you all in my prayers

qcr    

Yes, thanks for sharing. Good to be there while she is a teenager.  It seems that things are coming along.   

,

peaceplease

really sad the last few days.  missing her so much. :'( :'( :'( :'(

It is hard letting go, esp. when your D is so young. Be extra nice to yourself today.

qcr    

Hi lbjnltx, Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. I hope there are no more rattlesnake episodes! Those things make me shiver.

lbjnltx,

Things seem like they are progressing.  Thanks again for continuing to share.


peaceplease

lbj, I think it is a good thing for this to be coming up now, with time for your D to work on becoming more aware of the connection between her feelings and her thinking. It is all so intertwined and impossible to change from an unconsious place. You are such a strong and loving mom to be able to see this as movement in the 'right' direction.

Survival skills of avoidance and denial work to keep all this unconscious, and acting out is a tool of these strategies, IMHO. It is such difficult and painful work for your D. So glad she is in a supportive and safe place to be doing this - and can hold someone other than you as the 'bad guy' for pushing her to do the work.

Hang in there. Thinking of you all everyday.

qcr    

lbj - what a great session. I always try to remind myself in a 'bad' moment that it will soon change to something different. It is up to me to learn to let go of each moment to be present for the next one- good or bad.

thanks so much for sharing with us.

qcr

 

I am so glad that things are going good.   


peaceplease

spoke with case manager at the residential treatment center today.  she had just come from a staff meeting and read me the notes she took about my d.

school:  more invested, trying harder

individual t:  family relationship improving, still struggling w/thinking errors.  working on emotional boundaries. working on negativity.

equine therapy:  working on emotional boundaries, separating the message from the messenger.

general staff:  disrespectful, not owning behaviors

group (Positive Peer Culture):  not open, not sharing.  tries to control the group.

social call tomorrow.  family therapy on thursday.

lbjnltx

Thinking of you!  Hope both go well!

thanks melissa,

the social call went very well.  she always asks about her dog, her cat, the horses.  today she asked me to send some new pj's for her.  told me she was glad she was not at home to start the new school year...likes school there better.  they have lots of breaks for individual therapy, equine therapy, etc...

told me she can't wait to see us in sept.   THAT'S THE BIGGEST CHANGE YET!  I replied "me too!  please don't be upset with me if I cry when I see  you"  she giggled and said "i won't be". 

will talk to her on thursday for family therapist on the phone.

how are you doing melissa?

lbjnltx