Benchmarking: No Contact Support

[A New Leaf]

I made it through 5 weeks of NC!  This weekend was very tough, what should have been our 5th wedding anniversary, so it was very depressing.  I went out with friends instead, but he is never far from my mind, have to keep working on that.

A New Leaf

[sea5045]

I agree with Ditoima -- BPDs often play games through FB and their best way of maintaining contact is often via technology -- text, facebook, e-mail, SMS -- because they retain control and don't have to engage in an actual conversation which could lead to all sorts of unknowns/threatening feelings for them.

I went NC 4 weeks ago.  I was not, however, able to bring myself to block him from my FB account at that point.  So, I wasn't fully NC.  In fact, the whole FB thing was really unhealthy because it kept his picture on my page because he "poked" me not that long before and I hadn't responded ... .yada, yada, yada ... .

On October 27th, 10 days ago, I blocked him from my FB account AND from my mom's FB account so even if I was tempted I would have no way of looking him up. 

I felt pretty terrible after I blocked him from FB.  Not for him, for me.  It felt like the final, true ending.  Like a death.  And it freaking hurt and still does.  But in another more important way -- I feel better b/c I'm not waiting for him to try to hurt me by posting or doing something painful.  And I am resolved to staying NC no matter how much it hurts. 

Yes as my ex was detaching from me she was always on line, on facebook, communicated only by email when she moved away, broke up with me by email, and before I knew about BPD I had this awareness that she was controlling the communication and content of communication, she would rage at me, but not let me voice an opinion or concern.

So yes I agree with all of this and there extreme need for control and somehow with new technology it caters to their pathology

[diotima]

Frieda,

IMHO it would be really weird for a BPD to block all contact--at least for the long term. I am just speculating but I would think that if he or she did this, it would be impulsive and in the moment. God knows what goes through their heads. I know from my own experience that my ex would love to have contact, but he is a serial cheater who gets puffed up by having a lot of females to email/text/etc. He is NBPD and likes lots of spares. I can't speak for the ones that cut off totally--if in fact they really do cut off for good. BPDs don't mourn given their lack of object constancy. This doesn't mean they don't miss people but that if their attention is totally consumed by a new host then the previous r/s is not going to look so tempting even if they know from experience that the safest option is to keep several on the back burner. I have a friend who is enmeshed with a waif and the waif doesn't do this. She does, however, keep her hooks in my friend so she can whine about her physical ailments. She doesn't seem to line up new hosts--unless they will listen to her whine.

Wish I could answer your question. Maybe someone else here has experience on this issue.

Diotima

[pinupprincess]

Its now been nearly 3 weeks n/c for me and this time im in a really good place.  I see my XBPDGF at college on Tuesday and I just looked past her as if she was just another person.  I felt anxious for a slight minute, but i was fine! :D so far so good, I hope it stays this way!

[GreenMango]

I have not responded to any contact in 6 months... .I did the nc because I knew I was having serious problems with my own thinking and emotional sanity at the end.  It was the only thing that seemed to promise some relief from the stress.  I didnt think it was possible to stay in contact and regain my emotional footing.  The day I did I felt like thank god its over and I can sleep tonight.  The road since then hasn't been easy but space from the chaos was essential to feeling like I could think and feel better.  If I ever have to consider no contact again with anyone I know I'm doing something wrong because healthy relationships don't end in a no contact policy.

GM

[nylonsquid]

If I ever have to consider no contact again with anyone I know I'm doing something wrong because healthy relationships don't end in a no contact policy.

GM

Good point GM!

I'm almost at 3 weeks but she contacted me earlier today saying she hopes Im well. I didn't respond since it wasn't even a question. I'm afraid to get in contact since I know she's seeing someone (though he's moving) I just don't want to be hurt again. She hurt me many times and I can't take it. Though I love her I need to protect myself first.

[1brokenwing]

NC... .what a concept!   After the final breakup (there were lots people, but the last one was different because of the replacement), I pretty much stayed nc because of pride and ego (oh HELL no I ain't playing no second fiddle to anyone!    Lol). But when he emailed me all waif like and pitiful on Xmas day I was there with bandaids. Fortunately I had enough self preservation to not allow phone calls (he had "so much to say, so much he'd realized" -yea right whatever). So I think this is when things started going south with replacement.  Realized I couldn't  do it and told him to stop.  Of course I told him to stop in a long sappy email love letter that it was hurting me and didn't want him contacting me unless he was single,clean and sober etc.  He stopped for a while and then contacted me wanting "my thoughts" on going into rehab... .this set me off in an emotional explosion the size of Hiroshima! I was angry, hurt and felt emotionally ripped open (uum like my skin being turned inside out). Then and only then did  I finally listen to my therapist and blocked EVERYTHING.  I realized there would be no good contact, EVERYTHING THIS MAN SAID HURT LIKE HELL (that losing me was harder than he could have imagined, etc- really? He left me and yet HE lost ME?) Everything made me bleed and seeing his name on my Blackberry gave me palpitations because  by this time I knew too much about the impossibility of this relationship! I broke nc in early January with a very brief email response to him "looking out for him" on a matter.  Messed me up aaalllll over again.  So now that i have some distance and perspective, have developed some impulse control and ability to delay gratification, I can walk through the whole scenario of the "what ifs" and say "no thanks" to any kind of contact ( the door must be hermatically bolted shut).  They are so frikking predictable aren't they?  NC rules!  Now I think, "oh hell no, not in a million years am I gonna hand over my serenity, peace of mind, tranquility and mental balance so he can play mental and spiritual origimani with me!  Trust the process n post here instead of making contact... .breaking NC is INSANITY! And by insanity i mean doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Sheer pain keeps me away, knowing that "touching the flame" will burn my finger, hand, arm, entire body and soul - yup pain comes to teach all right! Stay safe, buckle your emotional seatbelts, stay the NC course and don't let the BPD boogeyman (or woman) get you! Peace and  .

[BreadHead]

... .EVERYTHING THIS MAN SAID HURT LIKE HELL ... .

AMEN!

I realized at some point that regardless of whether it was intentional or not on his part, it hurt and would always hurt and even the "nice" conversations would hurt.  I can't even foresee a day when it won't hurt but maybe, and by that point I won't really give a crap anymore. 

NC was the way to go, I've started preaching it to friends that are falling into these traps and every time I do, I realize how extremely valuable it's been for me.

[once removed]

its been a year and a month since the breakup, almost a full year since any direct contact. last contact was when i was attempting to get my things back. during that process, she was invading the email attached to my facebook, and i was allowing it, figuring that might help my efforts. it didnt. i finally gave up, and i changed my password.

i peek at her occasionally. i know the standard here is that thats contact, but it doesnt register that way to me. theres not really anything to see, either. if i really wanted to peek, i could log into the mutual account we are both still friends with. no urge to do that. i peek at plenty of people when i feel like it, i dont consider that any different.

she may or may not have made some moves that would be considered "contact". her number appeared on my caller id on new years. for a number of reasons, its impossible to tell whether she called or not, either purposely or on "accident", though its likely it was the latter if at all. probably one of those BPD "pocket dials". we have a couple of mutual friends. for several months i blocked them from my newsfeed, knowing she would comment them for me to see. on some level i think she still does this.

i also believe strongly that she still keeps tabs. my facebook is completely public. one thing that irritated me was that she took my favorite band of all time, and made it hers, and used it to appeal to her new guy. on our one year anniversary of our breakup, i posted something i thought was cryptic enough, no direct shots at her, but i did mention champagne   i also posted two relative songs by that band. that night around 3 am, same time as when she used to invade my email, she changed her profile picture to a picture of that band. weird.

yeah, it sounds a little like im playing games with her, but thats not the intent. like i said, i kept it cryptic. its her problem if she wants to continue to check up on me.

[Sabine]

I broke it off with him about a month ago but sort of with a twist... .I said things that I knew would throw him into a rage and storm out. Sounds cheesy but his raging was bound to happen sooner or later. He screamed horrible things at me, trashed my place, threw things at me, etc... .total tantrum that night. For a couple of days he was sending text msgs. and emails justifying himself and blaming, blah blah blah, but then he stopped. I never responded to anything and have since blocked him from sending anything to my phone. Anything he tries to send will bounce back to him... .I could care less about anything he has to say, I really am so sick of "mr. victim" and his BPD behavior! I don't have any urges to contact him and won't, I've dealt with enough.   I also change my routine a little bit so I don't run into him around town. If I see a car that looks like his at the store or where ever, I leave the lot! Sanity and peace is my goal and he brings neither to my life... .

[nona]

I am feeling the POSITIVE results of the periods of no contact.

is there a thread of LC for those of us with joint custody in tiny town?

hostage to him and the court

nobody moving

The bottom line is I dont just get to go nc. the courts, the custody evaluator, the lawyers, the judge, the private counselor, the community service counselors, the child art therapist, the family justice workers and the divorce manual all say... .the goal is to be able to communicate for our childs needs be met, beween US and learn to negotiate. practice practice practice.

[Mutt]

  It's been 8 days of no contact, well minimal contact since we have 3 kids together.

I blocked her from my personal e-mail addresses and work e-mail. I opened an e-mail for the kids and only to communicate about the kids. So far she has replied to nothing, but I expected it. She went no contact when she discarded me for my replacement and left me. She would still fight with me via test and e-mail, I'm assuming it was to keep communicating with me albeit it being negative.

Funny thing though. She came around my place walking with the kids and my replacements sister and her kids. She was looking at my place and me. I was outside and when I noticed it was her I went in.  I'm assuming she's curious as to why I have not contacted her and I made it clear that I won't respond or to show her new sister in-law how abusive the ex is, see he sees me and the kids and runs inside, how abusive! I'm not going to try to kill myslef with decyphering but she did come around for a reason. There's no reason for her to walk around my place.

[Ironmanrises]

I am NC 8+ weeks.

Anxiety and related symptoms have noticeably disappeared since being NC.

I have no desire to make contact.

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

[Findingmysong723]

I haven't been in contact since February 2013, we broke up in January 2013.

He has decided to still be involved in the animal shelter I volunteer at, however I hope he doesn't come this Saturday since I'll be there. I would hope his boundary breaking, would stick with no contact with me, but I can't trust him. If I do see him, it is not me that is breaking NC, since I won't talk to him, I'll ignore him hope that he does the same!

[Mutt]

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

I've gone ahead today and shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google +. Batten down the hatches.

[Ironmanrises]

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

I've gone ahead today and shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google +. Batten down the hatches.

Very good Mutt.

It will help you in the very fact that you will not be exposed to anything from that person that will only hurt you.

Almost like a further barrier to help you heal behind NC.

That is what it is doing for me.

[Hazelrah]

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way


The key elements of "No Contact" are:

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

That last one is the hardest, but it really saved me.  An important one for all of us to remember.

[jhkbuzz]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

[BorisAcusio]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

I don't think so but certainly qualifies as keeping the attachment in some form.

[jhkbuzz]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

I don't think so but certainly qualifies as keeping the attachment in some form.

I understand what you're saying... .and I'm aware of that and working through it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?

[jhkbuzz]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?

Thank you for this response   I often look for your responses because they are so well reasoned and have helped me a lot along the way.

The truth is that detachment is a process, and while I am well on my way to detaching, I am not done.  I have focused on making my emotional health a priority - and if the day comes when I feel that, for that reason, I need to de-friend members of her family or remove myself from FB entirely - then I'll do it.

At this point it's not the case.  I only figured out her BPD as we were breaking up, so seeing a pic of her with her replacement and seeing the instability in her eyes has helped confirm my thoughts - and "wrap up" some of the questions that were lingering. I feel stronger month by month.

[fromheeltoheal]

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?

Thank you for this response   I often look for your responses because they are so well reasoned and have helped me a lot along the way.

The truth is that detachment is a process, and while I am well on my way to detaching, I am not done.  I have focused on making my emotional health a priority - and if the day comes when I feel that, for that reason, I need to de-friend members of her family or remove myself from FB entirely - then I'll do it.

At this point it's not the case.  I only figured out her BPD as we were breaking up, so seeing a pic of her with her replacement and seeing the instability in her eyes has helped confirm my thoughts - and "wrap up" some of the questions that were lingering. I feel stronger month by month.

Good reasoning man, you're on it!