6) Clinging to the words that were said

[lessonslearned]

Lessonslearned,

It is so hard to reconcile what they say with what they do. Some of what they say is down right cruel. it is awfully hard to reconcile the "goodness" with the "mean, cruel, uncaring part of my ex. That's the hardest. I keep remembering the kind, attentive, loving part of her. I know I can't get it back, but I still want it.

I have actually reached a point where i CAN reconcile the two... .neither were particularly real... .the "good stuff" was more of a manipulation (but was felt as real/genuine by her, and accepted readily as real by a hungry me) to keep me with her and bond me to her, because in my idealized form I was "going to be" her savior, and had enough value for her to do everything to keep me. That's why she was afraid to lose me, and that's why she was so good to me.

When I became real and fallible, and had needs and boundaries, and couldn't be controlled, (after the honeymoon phase), I could no longer sustain the fantasy of rescuing her, and she was "wrong again" and needed to keep looking, made up an excuse (or focused on/exaggerated an existing one) and left.

She needs a fantasy, because she's lost. I feel compassion, and even gratitude for the lessons I have learned. I'm a better man for it. She was a bearer of a needed lesson for me. Life is good.

[LetItBe]

I have actually reached a point where i CAN reconcile the two... .neither were particularly real... .the "good stuff" was more of a manipulation (but was felt as real/genuine by her, and accepted readily as real by a hungry me) to keep me with her and bond me to her, because in my idealized form I was "going to be" her savior, and had enough value for her to do everything to keep me. That's why she was afraid to lose me, and that's why she was so good to me.

When I became real and fallible, and had needs and boundaries, and couldn't be controlled, (after the honeymoon phase), I could no longer sustain the fantasy of rescuing her, and she was "wrong again" and needed to keep looking, made up an excuse (or focused on/exaggerated an existing one) and left.

This sounds perfectly accurate in my case, too... .very well-articulated!

[nicelady]

I`m so lucky to have found you.

You are an amazing girl.

You are so important to me. (after a fight)

I love being with you!

I really love sleeping and waking up with you.

Trust me baby I wouldn`t do anything to hurt you ... (ugh!)

I miss holding you! (when I went to parents cabin one weekend)

You`re my baby and I`m so happy to be with you!

I`m so happy and lucky to have you as my girl

I miss you! (he said this a lot)

[Whitefang]

Just adding mine so you see the pattern.  How do they all come equipped with these?

"You get me"

"You are it for me"

"I knew from day one I had to have you in some capacity forever"

"When I hug you, I feel complete finally" (many long hugs)

"You make me feel alive"

The idealization phase was intimidating.  I was constantly telling her I wasn't "perfect".  She claimed I was "for her". 

She interpreted my dreams, studied "twin flame ideology", claimed to have seen me in dreams all her life blahblah

No, I was never a subscriber to that crap, but she was convincing.  Sung me songs, wrote stories, dedicated crap. 

Scarier red flag quotes

"You make me crazy"

"I fall apart when I see you"

"I'm gonna make you forget any other woman ever"

"I'm gonna learn what makes you tick"

"I want to crawl inside your guts when were making love"

":)on't ever piss me off"

[Seb]

"I am completely in love with you" --- after 3 weeks!  |>

"You're the love of my life"

"I can't believe this is happening" -- about us getting together

"When I ask you to marry me"

"I'm so happy I've finally found the one for me"

"You're the one for me baby"

"You're my best friend, my soulmate"

"No one is as nice to me as you are"

"You're out of my league"

"I know how lucky I am to have you"

"You make me so happy"

"I'll never leave you"

And some others I'll remember... .

"I'd kill myself if anything ever happened to you" -- after 4 weeks

"I've often thought about killing myself"

"How you feel when you die is how you feel forever" -- two seconds after the suicide talk

"I'm not good at relationships"

"Are you sure you want this type of life? Get out while you can"

"We don't get on"

"You drive me crazy"

"I don't recognise myself around you"

"I'm always meant to be unhappy and alone"

[Happy_bird_now]

She gave me the entire BPD repertoire - how I was her soul mate, how she loved me more than she had thought she could possibly love anyone, how no one besides me understood her, how we were meant to be together... .all of that. [/quote]
I heard these exact words- word for word. I thought it meant something back then until she would silently rage. Her actions and words were different. Except when she was an occasional raging maniac.

Words and actions are different. I hung on to the pwBPDs words, but holding onto something that does not exist and never did is meaningless. Just some rambling ony part

[LoveNotWar]

Oh yes, he did say we were soul mates, I was the love of his life, we were met to be together, he couldnt imagine life without me, and oh yes... .

he also said he would kill me... .and he had a hammer in his hand.

I am still alive so that proves he doesn't mean what he says... .

[Calamina]

I've never loved anyone the way I love you.

Marry me(3 weeks in) 

I want you to have my children, I want to see the creation of our love - Then he'd rub my belly every night and say it was a "holy place"

No one understands me the way you do

Love letters every.single.day.

___________________

*It sickens me to talk to you, I wish you never walked into my life and that you ceased to exist

*I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do about it.  I've had it with you, I've reached my limit(2 weeks after marriage)

*I walked in the line of oncoming traffic because I couldn't live without you(the day after he announced he's had it with me and left)

*"It" isn't mine.  I want a paternity test.  Whore.

*I never met such a senseless, moronic idiot until I met you. 

*I don't love you.  I never did. 

And the creepy things... .

"I hope you never forget me.  I'll make sure you don't.  If we ever split I hope you grieve me for the rest of your life and never are able to move on"(and he wasn't angry when he said this, )

Woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that if I ever cheated on him and brought home an STD, he'd beat me.  I looked at him like he was insane and he said "Are you thinking you wouldn't DESERVE to be hit?  God you're so selfish." 

"I can't promise I wouldn't ever lay my hands on you or your mother." 


I was really embarrassed writing this out at first.  I found myself wanting to insert snarky comments to downplay how it made me feel... .But the truth of the matter is, all of it makes me feel horrible.  I never heard a middle ground thing come out of his mouth in all the time I've known him.  I feel like the joke was on me. 

[DragginLady]

Yes, the clinging to the good is why I guess I keep hoping.

There's that part in my mind where I say to myself, it couldn't have all been BS and illness, right? It felt so real! I could see it in his eyes! His voice sounded so sincere... .yada yada. And I did believe I was quite a catch. I was a good woman to him. And some days he would tell me that. And then on other days I was a worthless piece of ___ that ruined his whole life.

We were together for 3 years. His BPD came out within a few months. In the beginning, he was the most charming, attentive and romantic man I had ever encountered. I fell in love with him.

Even later when he would accuse me of being a bad person, bad mom, a whore, and a drug addict he would follow it up with the nicest things ever said. I think I just wanted to believe so badly he really thought I was his "sunshine". When he went off on me and then I got really mad back, he almost always right away wanted to make nice again. I never knew which guy he was going to be day-to-day.

So as I sit here now after being broke up for 8 months I still think of those times good and bad. We went basically NC for 7 of these months, other than a couple of texts where there was not much said. I was still angry as hell. Then I decided to write him a letter forgiving him. I needed to forgive him. I'm still not happy he treated me that way but I need to heal and wanted to let him know I'm doing okay. And we've emailed back and forth a couple times since. He says he misses me and my kids. Said he thinks about all our good memories every single day. Told me he would probably never meet anyone as compatible as we were. I want to hear those things so I can feel loved by him still. I told him I was sorry for my part in the dysfunction. That I missed our good times too.

He sent me a song Buckcherry's I'm Sorry and simply said every time he hears that song it makes him want to cry. I want to believe he's sorry, of course. So I email him back and have heard nothing from him in 5 days.

So I sit and wonder what's going through his head. For the last couple of weeks I have gotten it into my head that I wanted to follow the advice on the Staying board and even though it would be difficult, I wanted us to be back together. But since he doesn't seem to want to stay in regular contact I can't help but think I'm just getting suckered again. So I keep sitting here running through my head all these potential senerios.

And then yesterday, for the first time since we broke up, I decided to check out his Facebook page. Not smart, I know, but after all the reading I've done on here I wanted to see if maybe he's seeing someone and just playing me. Two years ago I had caught him going on Adult Friend Finder, so I've always had it in the back of my mind (since he always labeled me untrustworthy) that he was the shady one. At the time he just claimed he used his friends account to check out some girl he had found on there. Then later he told me it was to check to see if I was on there (as if!).  So I never knew what to make of my discovery. So anyway... .I go to his FB and there's not much on there except back in May he posted something "having a really great weekend with a really great friend. Thanks so much sweetie. Hope to have many more great weekend in the future with you". It stung.

There's nothing else after that. Which leads me to believe it didn't work out in his favor. But then I feel like I'm half-BPD for getting all bent out of shape about it. We are broke up after all. I've been on a few dates myself (nothing great). Then I remember what I read here about how they say these things and attach themselves to others quickly. Just like me, right?

I don't know how I should feel anymore. I thought I was willing to do the work to make us work. But that takes two. And I'm not sure I can go back to the isolation and verbal abuse and put on a smile about it. So now I'm back to the frame of mind where I need to stop being co-dependent and stop deluding my poor heart.

Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, please!

[jp254958]

I'm struggling through all parts of my uBPDexgf.

What's on my now is the things that she said because I just started rounding up cards she gave me.  I've read a lot of messages on here that it's often our own issues that kept us in relationships with BPD spouses.  That may be true, but at numerous points in the relationship, I tried to set boundaries and care for myself.  Sometimes, when those boundaries were crossed (especially early on in the relationship), she would acknowledge that she created a lot of drama in our relationship.  She would sometimes apologize for the "baggage" she brought into the relationship.

This one card I just read really stood out.  The print on the card, a quote by someone named Catherine Slater, said:

"I let you down, and I'm sorry.  I'm not going to make excuses--that wouldn't be fair to you.  You deserve someone who respects you and puts the relationship first, and from now on, I want to do whatever it takes to be that person.  There's nothing more important to me than you and our relationship--I'm so very lucky to have you, and I know it.  Please be patient with me as I try to prove to you just how sorry I am, just how much I want to make things right... .and just how much I love you." 

Then my uBPDexgf wrote her own message:

"I've done many things to let you down.  I have a lot of work to do to prove my love to you.  I cherish you, every part of you, and I know I want to be together with you as long as we live.  I love you."

It was times like this during the relationship that helped me hang on and believe in my ex, because I believe she sometimes "got it."  She knew she hurt my feelings and gave indications that she wanted to be a better person for herself, for me, and for our relationship.  I believed in her SO MUCH, and I still do to this very day.  I love her with all of my heart.  I feel so terrible for my own shortcomings and failures in the relationship, and for the reality that she was abandoned by her father at a very young age.  It wasn't fair to her and as a child--she deserved to have stability, love, and support.  I hope she finds out about her issues and deals with them someday because from the bottom of my heart I'd like to see her happy.  More than anything, I wanted that happiness to be with me, but she cut me out of her life after an extended period of devaluation, smear campaigns, dissociation, emotional turmoil, etc.  I know it's not my responsibility to help her and I tried to get her to see a therapist but, unfortunately, she never gave therapy a chance. 

I miss and love her with every part of my soul.  Deep down, she's someone who can be such an AMAZING person, but the horrors and tribulation of life have made her into the person she is (maybe genetics too.)  I have such empathy for her despite the fact that she hurt me dearly. 

I posted this because I wish that the things she said would have matched her actions in the relationship.  Unfortunately, they often didn't--especially in the end.  I HATE BPD.  I hate that she deals with this, and I hate that she has to endure her own turmoil and pain.

[Take2]

JP... .  I feel your pain deeply... .  I didn't want the breakup I am currently enduring... .any of the many many times I've endured it.  And each time it's gotten harder because it happens every time we've gotten close. 

My ex (and it pains me beyond belief to say that "ex" - I hate it) very rarely admitted his side of how screwed up our relationship is... .  never coming close to suggesting that he might have a disorder, just acknowledging when he's lied or reacted harshly.

Although to be honest, it's been extremely rare that he's acknowledged how harsh he has been... .

But I really relate to your posts because I am going through the exact same pain right now... .   

Regarding the words and actions matching... .  my bf has been extremely vague much of the time we have been together... .  which is why I really can't say for certain how long we have been.  He says far far far more hurtful things to me - I can't tell you how many times I have been told what a liar I am, how untrustworthy I am, how ungrateful I am, how selfish I am, to f off, to never contact him again... .the painful list goes on... .  the "I love yous"... .  have come for sure... .  but when they do, the rage is sure to follow with blame for some imaginary wrong doing that used to catch me off guard... .even when it doesn't catch me off guard, it's impossible to prevent... .  i've tried... .  I know many of the triggers although definitely not all... .

Ugh.  I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of not being able to make the hurting stop... .

[jp254958]

Take2, I'm right there with you.

Whenever we would have close moments, she would pull back immediately.  I remember one time we were laying in bed having this unbelievable moment and I said "I want to have a baby with you."  Well she almost immediately flipped out, and I said that didn't mean it literally (I HONESTLY didn't), and that I meant it more symbolically.  I said that what I meant was that I loved the idea of creating something with her... .for us to share something... .for us to be one.  Well, it didn't stop her.  She kept flipping out.  I tried offering every form of proof that I was just trying to express a desire to be close with her, and she kept pulling away.  She kept pointing to that moment throughout the relationship even thought I told her that I just wanted to be close.

There were so many amazing moments that she would almost immediately take steps to ruin if she felt she was getting too close / enmeshed (a common issue with pwBPD.)  God I wish she just went with them so we could have enjoyed the best of each other.  We deserved those great moments but she wouldn't let them happen... .for long, anyway.

I am really sorry that you're enduring a similar experience.  My heart goes out to you because I am utterly devastated, and I'm sure you are too.  It just doesn't make sense to me (I guess it's not supposed to if we're dealing with ex's who have a disorder), but we are where we are.

I'm sorry you had to hear such abuse from your ex.  I was guilty of saying mean things sometimes, but you would not believe the things I heard from my ex (or maybe you would because you dealt with the same disorder!)  She'd often say these things while dissociating (in a sort of fog like state) where she would conveniently "forget" everything she said, and would later say she didn't say such nasty things or would reinvent the history to avoid accountability (this is called gaslighting.)

I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply.  I truly, truly am.  I am too.  We don't deserve this.  We deserve to be loved, supported, appreciated, and treated with respect.  You deserve to have your love reciprocated equally, and you deserve to have a relationship with compromise.  Keep writing.  It helps.  I'm listening every step of the way and I COMPLETELY empathize with your pain. 

[Take2]

Thanks JP... .it does help to write... .and your post really touches me... .

And yes... .it's truly unbelievable how my bf/ex has rewritten our history.  Every time things change slightly and in the beginning I thought it was me.  I can be forgetful - I have a TON on my plate between my job, my daughter and my elderly father.  Between my own brain overload all the time and often simply my desire to avoid intensifying the rages, I would agree to something just to make it stop.  And then if things became clear at some other point - as in I remembered, someone else told me what happened, whatever - if I disagreed with whatever I had originally agreed to more rage... .

I can sometimes actually look at him and see the rage, when he's not even raging at me.  And I sometimes have wished that was all I could see so I could let go.  But then he'd change expression or look at me in a way that really, no one ever has.  And it melts my heart. 

It just kills to have tried SO hard and feel that all my efforts have pretty much been discarded/overlooked. 

It's not like I haven't been in love before.  It's not like I can't get other dates.  I cannot imagine getting involved with someone else.  I am sure some day I'll be able to - I am strong enough inside to realize that.  But that he is on a date right now ?

Kills me.  Just kills me.  Someone I talked to about it last week was like "haven't you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You" ?   Ouch - yeah, uh, I know the concept.  I'm not delusional (despite that I've questioned my own sanity so much).  I KNOW when someone is into me and not.  And while it likely sounds crazy at this point, I do know he loves me.  At least as of yesterday.  (Kind of a joke that hits way too close to home for me to say anything more on that... .)

I know everyone says to focus on ourselves and see why we have allowed ourselves to remain in such abusive situations.  And I am trying so hard to focus on that.  But truly, I still want to stay.  I understand how physically abused women (and men) stay.  I can't even believe it but I do.  Although I admit that I've realized that for quite a long time now.  What blows me away is that it's ME saying this.  Apparently I AM this girl though.

I know the feeling of trying to offer every form of proof that you were only trying to express a positive desire.  I have had daily arguments regarding what I actually said versus what he somehow translated it to in his head.  I have often blamed it on texting and the inability to not read tone - there is a lot to that.  But now that I've read that those with BPD can interpret a neutral facial image as an angry one, it makes me wonder about the way he interprets words. 

Earlier today as I sobbed that per his texts last night (which told me that during the last two years with me, I subjected him to daily humiliation at work and ripped his soul out) - that no one would deserve that experience and I told him that we clearly experienced two different experiences in our relationship, he told me in response that I tend to interpret what he says incorrectly.  Even as I sobbed I was tempted to point out it was pretty impossible to misinterpret that kind of statement but I opted to let it go rather than start an argument.  It was pointless.  Plus sadly, he's said those types of things to me so many times, I'm ashamed to admit that it is par for the course... .

The one thing he never did was have those "fog" moments.  I don't quite understand that.  He definitely forgot things - and it took me a long time to figure that out - because I would always take the blame for being the one to get things wrong and think I'd forgotten until there were several work related things that helped clarify it for me.   

I so appreciate you being here right now... .I am listening to... .and you are so so right... .we don't deserve this type of pain... .we deserve love... .we deserve trust... .we deserve true happiness shared with a supportive partner... .   

[jp254958]

You definitely have way too much on your plate right now. The truth is that you desperately need some time to focus on yourself... .to have some moments to relax, to meditate, to bring some peace to you life. It seems that life is pulling at you from all sides right now. I'm so sorry for that.

I know what you're saying with respect to our ex's. They have touched us deeper than anyone ever has and more than anyone ever could. They feel like our one true soul mate. It sounds kind of weird, but since my ex left, it's felt like there has been some violation to the natural order of things. To the way things are supposed to be.  The love I have for her is so indescribably deep and true.  Ending this relationship didn't even seem possible to me because I was so 100% sure that we would spend all our days together.  And I mean SO SURE.

There were so many experiences I had with her that almost felt metaphysical / supernatural in nature too. Like it there was higher meaning or that it was meant to be. I know it sounds weird... .believe me I felt the same thing. But all in all, I have never felt so close to someone in my life, and I have never felt so much love as we experienced.  She touched the very deepest parts of my soul. 

But then she destroyed me too and threw me away like garbage. So what does that say? 

Did your ex ever try therapy?

Listen, you deserve HAPPINESS.  If you're not getting what you deserve then you should draw a line in the sand. You seem like a really nice person who has so much to offer.  Realize that and get what you deserve! 

[Take2]

Honestly JP its as if I wrote your words. That is EXACTLY how I feel about him. And I too have never come close to feeling that with another person. Not even my ex husband.

Even the multiple times I knew things couldn't work with my exBPD,  I have been drawn in closer and closer to the point of believing we really are meant to be together and that I would just try and help us thru the painful times... .

No he has never been to therapy. I have told him many: times how his father was abusive but he laughs it off. The man was clearly severely physically and emotionally abusive and the mom apparently favored the middle brother substantially over the ex and the oldest brother.

But admitting someone needs help is simply not done in that family.

I can admit that I am still not done feeling that we are truly meant for each other.

But when he told me the other day that I am like a drug to him I admit it made me feel yet again like I must be the damaging person.

I'm going to try and sleep to try to stop checking for his text that apparently isn't coming ... .

You too deserve happiness JP.

You have truly helped me tonight.

Thank you so much... .

[C12P21]

 

Someone I talked to about it last week was like "haven't you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You" ?

I read the book and I think it is pretty flippant about the devastation a person feels at the end of a relationship. It's hard to go from being adored and idealized to suddenly being told you were never much to them to begin with. It's hard to wrap yourself around the fact that the relationship is over and face the reality when the relationship was formed on deep desires and dreams.

The couple bond one forms with a PD person is different due to the intensity of the coupling of our unmet needs reflected and then fulfilled by another person. This reflection (or projection) is unexpected. When you look over the beginning of the relationship, wasn't the intensity different than any you had ever experienced? Didn't it feel like the Hollywood version of love... not the gradual progression of a relationship and sharing but more like BOOM you are a couple... the dust settles, the head clears and your "only one" is at your side. When you have an unexpected event that is pleasant, you remember it with emotional intensity. Ever have a surprise party thrown for you and it was great? This is very different than a planned birthday dinner with the usual expected company. That is how we form our relationships with a BPD- unexpected and pleasurable. Everyone of us on these boards has stated the same thing, "this relationship was so different", and yes, a relationship with a PD person is different.

The nature of push-pull in a relationship is addictive, we are pushed aside and we wait for the pulling, for the time or moment our PD S/O returns to their former, loving self. When it happens, the rush of relief we feel, or at least that I felt, was intoxicating in its release. We were us again, the words and promises were spoken again, the bump in the road passed... .until their disorder reigned again and we are left to sort through the memories and  's of what brought us to this place.

Right now, concentrating on yourself is hard, it was for me, and still can be, when I thought of him so often. Remembering who I am as a single person is difficult, because the bond of "us" was strong. I lost myself in the relationship and now the hard work of finding me again and figuring out why I am attracted to disordered people isn't as easy as loving someone else. Loving me is the hard work, loving him was easy.  ;p  

[Take2]

You're so right, C12P21... .  I am addicted to the push pull.  I have been pushed farther away than ever before and the more I fall apart, and try to show love, the worse it has gotten.  Yet the few (very few) times I have not fallen to pieces, but been strong?  he's still there.  I wonder at what point he begins the push pull.  Of course I wonder since he went on a first date on Saturday and not only has plans again with this person on Friday, but said maybe before that too.  Wow really?  He told me, "well she didn't invite me to Thanksgiving" - like that was supposed to make me feel better.  I was like "uh, you just met her, of course she didn't invite you to Thanksgiving".

I am so ready to start therapy and start the work of focusing on me and why I am so incredibly stuck in a place where someone has hurt me so badly and continues to do so daily.  (We work together - very impossible to avoid.)

Yes - this person did and still truly does feel like the one person I have ever truly felt was my soulmate.   Even though I've known for so long how disordered he is.  Even though he's been so incredibly cruel to me. 

It's very hard to detach. 

[Mistified247]

Some of the things my exBPD said to me were:

I love spending time with you

I adore you

You are my best friend, I would do anything for you

I really want to snuggle

You are really sexy

I love how you smell

When you think back at these words you actually realise just how generic they were.  I also think that myexpd really did love me, but had such a horrendous and traumatic upbringing that she would never be 100% stable even with some councilling. But then on the other hand you do wonder if they really loved you, as if they wouldn't they have righted some of the wrongs that they had committed? For example fixing soured family and friend relationships on your side? Really is a confusing relationship to get over... .

[jp254958]

It's a hard thing to accept that they're never going to get better.  That's one of the reasons that so many of us hold on to hope.

I would equate it to someone being in a coma.  Sometimes they're "in there" and they come back, while others don't.  I think that deep down, EVERYONE has the desire to feel happiness at their emotional core.  And I think the vast majority of us want to share love with someone.

I don't think that pwBPD want to be this way, but so many of them don't want to take the steps to get better.  There's the rub.  They want to connect with someone so deeply and permanently, yet their walls/denial protect them from awareness of their disorder, their deep seeded irrational fears and survival instincts make them want to run away when they shouldn't, and the normalcy of everything leads them to repeat the same cycle over and over and over.  It's truly sad.  And it affects not only them, but so many of the people that they end up involved with.

I still believe in my uBPDexgf.  I think she is just such an amazing person when she wants to be, and she just needs to break through her glass ceiling.  I love her with all of my heart and I wish she didn't have to face these demons.  Unfortunately, she just doesn't know that their is a better, safer, happier world out there with real, lasting, dependable love if she gets help she needs. 

I wish I knew more about BPD before everything ended.  I would have handled many of our interactions so differently based on what I've learned.  It makes me very sad that I didn't... .

[spaceace]

I was always told, I am so hard, everyone quits on me, no one understands me, I am too much. I always said, I don't think you're too hard! I understand you. I will never quit on you!

That phrase, I will never quit on you, is haunting me to death! I want nothing more than to quit on her right now, 2 months of NC by her, and I am unable to quit! It is tearing me apart inside. I promised I would never quit. Even as she is texting me back when I try to engage, she write I am calling the police if you contact me again. I am filing a restraining order against you if you text again, all the while, I am asking, begging, not begging, doing whatever I can, to understand why again she has left!

And I cannot forget those words, everyone quits on me, and here I am, unwilling to quit and my heart is turning into mus, my head is hurting trying to understand, my emotions are frazzled... .  and why do I still do this?

Only God knows, because the reality is, she wants and needs me to quit and I cannot see the right now, what she has done... I still hold on!

[OTH]

she wants and needs me to quit and I cannot see the right now

You do realize this because you just wrote it. Why can't you act on it? You didn't quit on her. She quit on you. You were true to your word so what really keeps you stuck?

[C12P21]

I am so ready to start therapy and start the work of focusing on me and why I am so incredibly stuck in a place where someone has hurt me so badly and continues to do so daily

So glad you are going to therapy and starting the work on focusing on YOU. As you progress in T, you will probably discover that the stuck place you feel, is due to FOO rather than the present relationship. It sounds so crazy, doesn't it? That our present R/S has ties with the our origins, but as crazy as it sounds... .  it is usually the reason we started the R/s with them. The dynamics of our FOO comes into play in our R/s with our partners... .  and it is one of the reasons we feel so bonded to them.

It's very hard to detach.   

Yes it is, because you loved this person and felt close to them, as well as the promises they made. In time, you will detach from them and bond to someone even better than your partner, you will discover you... the person you needed to understand all along.

The beginning of these relationships consumes us, or at least, it did me. Finding out the depths of my suffering, why the words that were said was so important took time to uncover, but the work in that unraveling was worth it because in the end, I understood me so much more and eventually-him.

I wish you well on your journey. 

C

[ExTreme]

Yes, Take2. I relate to your experience entirely. Thank you!

[trouble11]

This has been a great thread for me, as I too, have held onto all the same words.  I actually feel like I can now delete 5 years whole of emails.   

[Surnia]

trouble

I actually feel like I can now delete 5 years whole of emails.   

Isn't it a good feeling to let go some dead weight?

[ExTreme]

Purging communication from our r/s... .  I am doing this, or rather... .  began to do this tonight. And I am an absolute disaster. I'm shaking, bawling my eyes out, and a crying-out-loud wreck. I realized I HAVE been in denial. I didn't think I was in denial these weeks because my heart was in what I considered a lot of pain. No wonder to me now.   I was feeling irritated, frustrated defensive and angry while responding to a post or two... .  must be that   unresolved stress I have to work out and through.

This relative state of being while detaching evidently was just the tip of the 'berg. It only just now occurred to me; the reality of finality (by his decree of NC) of us. I don't like this. It hurts. I get it now, what many have been describing, the visceral pain. I cannot comprehend the terminal-ness, the r/s's prognosis of never gets better?... .  It's f'd. Yes, I'm new.

When I can muster up some strength, maybe later but probably not until tomorrow, I need to go back and reread all the posts I viewed, this time with an accurate perspective. And, ... .    :'( deal with letting go of the words. His words. His words to me... .  

[myself]

I've found I've had to work on letting go of the words I said, too. The promises and plans I made with her that will not come to be. The questions never answered. That I asked her to marry me and she said 'Yes'. All those times I said I loved her. The things said while feeling defensive. The inside jokes we shared. Hello. And: Goodbye.

[OTH]

 it hurts.

I've found I've had to work on letting go of the words I said, too. The promises and plans I made with her that will not come to be. The questions never answered. That I asked her to marry me and she said 'Yes'. All those times I said I loved her. The things said while feeling defensive. The inside jokes we shared. Hello. And: Goodbye.

[Blessed0329]

"Oh, I would so anything for you!" He said these words often, and with such depth of feeling, that I have no doubt he meant them at the time he said them. He also told me I was the most amazing, wonderful, giving, blah, blah, blah, woman he had ever known in his entire 50+ years of life. He was not shy about saying these things in front of coworkers, while looking at me with total love and adoration in his eyes.

For me,what is most painful, is not forgetting what he said, but how he said it, the complete devotion he expressed. This is what has left me feeling ripped apart, or played, or just completely lost.

[GreenMango]

It can be really difficult to reconcile the contradictions between the words and actions.