I have not heard anything from my ex fiancee in 4 months

[Depression = 72% of members]

Most on this board have heard from their ex in one way or another after the breakup.  I have not heard anything from my ex fiance in 4 months, since she dumped me.  Even if she had a replacement, which I don't know if she does or not (she claimed there was nobody else when she dumped me), even if she does now, I would have thought she would have at least acknowledged in some way I still existed, if nothing else, to rub it in my face.

It makes me angry, depressed, and confused that someone could cut you out of their life and have no thought of ever contacting you again.  Even to say I'm sorry for the way things happened or I hope you are doing well.  I know a lot of you would say I am lucky for not being contacted by her, but it is hard for me to feel this way when this was a person I had made a marriage commitment to, BPD or not.

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

[forgetthepast]

Most on this board have heard from their ex in one way or another after the breakup.  I have not heard anything from my ex fiance in 4 months, since she dumped me.  Even if she had a replacement, which I don't know if she does or not (she claimed there was nobody else when she dumped me), even if she does now, I would have thought she would have at least acknowledged in some way I still existed, if nothing else, to rub it in my face.

It makes me angry, depressed, and confused that someone could cut you out of their life and have no thought of ever contacting you again.  Even to say I'm sorry for the way things happened or I hope you are doing well.  I know a lot of you would say I am lucky for not being contacted by her, but it is hard for me to feel this way when this was a person I had made a marriage commitment to, BPD or not.

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

[jacksondog]

Im just over four months out, i herd from her once only to set me back by trying to tell me her dumping me was all my fault. Yep just started fighting with me over phone. I know it is hard to swallow what you are going through.I didnt do anything wrong. But I did hold my ground to boundaries she would try to cross. Maybe thats why she left. I dont know. 

You are probably feel like this a bad dream. This is the craziest thing I ever went through. I couldn't believe this is all happening.

Thats because there isnt any logic with people who are crazy. Thats what I tell my self when I'm having a rough day. there not nomal and you cant be in a relationship with them unfortunately. Hang in there. This will eventually  make you a better person. Im already starting to feel it. I still sometimes wish she would call and be nice to me. But realistically Its better she dosnt. Sorry your going through this. You got to hang in there and commit to this is the best thing for you. believe in that   

[1989]

No, most of us felt that way.  I hate to say this, but you probably won't hear from her until she finds herself all alone again.  For me it was 18 months both times. (I guess that's the shelf life of his relationships.)

I know it hurts to be set aside like that.  But that's how they work.  You have to think of yourself as more of a "need' and less than a "want."  We don't hear from them until they need to feel loved, cared for, important, relevant.   They don't miss us like we miss them.  Think about a beloved maternal/paternal relative.  :)o you often think of them and want to see them and spend time with them?  Most of the time the answer is no.  But when life isn't going well, or you are feeling lonely, you might start to think about them, become nostalgic; and a nice phone call to "Aunt Tilley" makes you feel better.  Aunt Tilley will always be there for you, and she never asks for anything in return.  

I think that is what we mean to a BP once the relationship has ended.  We're just someone who is always there to care for them, but we get nothing in return.

You probably will hear from her again, but it's not necessarily a good thing.

[Sailskier]

I think that some BPDs truely know how dangerous they are... .and although, they may not love you in the true sense, they care enough to stay away knowing that they will hurt you.

My ex left me because it "wouldn't be fair" to me.  How noble!  He left me with a ton a debt... .on the same day that my family swindled thousands of $ from me... .left me with no family... wearing an engament ring... .and he was so very concerned about me that he left!  

Sorry for the digression .  I'm a bit bitter today... .

To revert to the subject.  It may be that they have someone else, something else, or that they are trying to "fix" themselves.  They are very aware that WE make them "crazy". They don't like it.  :)on't want to be reminded of the shame they cause... .so they disappear.  They'll come back when it is "safe" for them... .when they think we will validate them.  Be glad that they stayed away... .not all BPDs are the same

[seeking balance]

.I didnt do anything wrong. But I did hold my ground to boundaries she would try to cross. Maybe thats why she left.

This is a very important key when you are not constantly being reengaged - likely you did show consistent strong boundaries in the past and that does not go over well for pwBPD.  My ex would see a strong boundary as a personal attack.

4 months is not a lot of time - although it probably feels that way to you.

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Wrap your head around this - you actually meant everything to her; so much so, that the fear of losing you shows itself in such maladaptive behavior as to leave you before you could leave her.  It is not logical; but if she didn't care about you - you likely would not be seeing this side to her.

This behavior you are seeing is not a personal attack on you - even though it feels this way.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it will all start to feel different as you become less hurt and more capable of absorbing the facts.

[tailspin]

forgetthepast,

It's so hard to let go of someone you love. I haven't heard from my ex is 6 months and I never expect to hear from him again.  :)enial and shame play a huge part in the decisions they make but this doesn't help us sleep at night and this doesn't help us to love them any less.  Compassion from your ex would require taking responsibility for her actions and this isn't likely to happen.  

I'm sorry you are hurting.  You did mean something to her... .but her feelings for you slipped through her fingers like water.  It was real; it just wasn't forever and it wasn't anything she could hold onto.

I found it helpful to let go of hope and literally watch it fly away.  I tore up a picture of him and let the wind take the pieces and scatter them over the hillside.  I know I'll never see him again... .he is too ashamed.  But I will keep the wonderful memories of the good times and cherish them forever.

Peace to you  

[hijodeganas]

I'm in the same boat.  Technically 3 months, but other than unblocking at some point on facebook for an unspecified amount of time I've had no contact from her.

My guess is that since she's young and still attractive she's found plenty of replacements and hasn't had any "need" to recycle me.

Count your blessings: I'm sure if you asked about 99.9% of the people here would say "THAT'S A GOOD THING!"

Trust me, she's not going to come back to apologize, and even if she does, it'll just be an attempt to get you back into her cycle.  In all honesty, it sounds like she would probably succeed, too, if you're craving an apology from her.

[hijodeganas]

Oh, and to answer your question, when I think about it, you're right, it's confusing and it doesn't make sense.  Then I remember what is very likely going on in her head BPD-wise and it makes sense, and I can leave it alone.

Her incapacity to deal with the situation has nothing to do with me, it has to do with a cyclical script that she keeps playing out and will continue to play out with other people until she gets some help.  I, however, have since rewritten my script and feel like I'm at my life's peak now.  If anything, hopefully your ex will be a catalyst for you to do the same.

[hijodeganas]

.I didnt do anything wrong. But I did hold my ground to boundaries she would try to cross. Maybe thats why she left.

This is a very important key when you are not constantly being reengaged - likely you did show consistent strong boundaries in the past and that does not go over well for pwBPD.  My ex would see a strong boundary as a personal attack.

4 months is not a lot of time - although it probably feels that way to you.

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Wrap your head around this - you actually meant everything to her; so much so, that the fear of losing you shows itself in such maladaptive behavior as to leave you before you could leave her.  It is not logical; but if she didn't care about you - you likely would not be seeing this side to her.

This behavior you are seeing is not a personal attack on you - even though it feels this way.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it will all start to feel different as you become less hurt and more capable of absorbing the facts.

Very well said.  And thanks for the insight about boundaries; I was on again off again with the boundaries, and i wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she hasn't tried to re-engage me.

[Beach_Babe]

They  come  back,  trust  me.  Mine  goes  2-3  years  in  between  recycles... .i'm  the  last  resort  she  turns  to  when  life  sucks  and  shes  burned  all  other  bridges... .

[susanleona]

Mine came back after 5-1/2 months. 

[jeffrey12]

i was broken up with and ignored for months on end. only when she had moved on was she willing to speak to me, which was 5 weeks after the break up. this was because i confronted the situation because i didn't know why i was broken up with and what the hell was going on.

all my texts for 2 months were ignored but the only txt that she replied to was the one i sent on valentines day to which her reply to me was "i'm sorry i have a BF'... who knows if she would of contacted me...

[redfeather]

4 months with no contact from them is a very short period of time... very short in the grand scheme of things. Some do not come back ever but those would be more of the exception not the norm and of those I would think if they had steady supply like mine does (these women do cartwheels, best smiles get naked fairly quickly for her   ) so maybe she is full up in supply department.

Or maybe you did have really strong boundaries concerning her behavior(s) and she thinks why Bother? with him/her? So again no contact. pwBPD arent big fans of integrity or signs of moral strength. That part of their playbook has the pages torn out dontcha know!  .

Dont worry about them focus on healing you.Again 4 months? really? Had a ex with BPD contact me 4 years after tearing my heart out and feeding it back to me!  Hi!

[redberry]

Forgetthepast, I am sorry that you are feeling down.  

I agree with the others, four months isn't much time in BPD world.  Chances are you will get a reengagement attempt at some point.  May take months or even years, but it often happens with BPDs.

If it does, how will you handle it?

[bb12]

Hi ForgetthePast

Yep - identical situation here. But mine is 5 months NC.

I think our situation is a little different to many of the others because we never got an answer to a single question!

I took mine to see a theatre show on DEC 6th and never heard from them again. I called to say Merry Christmas. Nothing back. Happy New year. Nada.

Left a few voicemails in January to no avail. And then when he ignored my birthday in February, I got really mad and left an angry voice mail.

Most of the reading I have done has been to heal myself from the traumatic effects when a victim of the silent treatment.

The following article helped me a lot. /dirtywork.html

A BPD punishing you with complete withdrawal and with-holding is going to win every time. If you respond angrily they see that they have grounds to continue the punishment. If you don't react at all then we confirm to them we never really cared. It is incredibly cruel and goes to all of our own abandonment issues and is an extreme part of the verbal abuse spectrum (ironically enough!)

Just remind yourself you are dealing with an incredibly emotionally immature person and that you can't win this one.

As recently as last week, I caved and left a voicemail begging for them to call me and give me closure.

I am mostly ok and can be strong for weeks at a time, until a pang of complete devastation hits me and I am reminded that someone who shared my bed, my life, basically cut me off cold without explanation.

Toughest thing I have ever endured and it is a miracle my health and job have not been affected more than they have. I have had times when I could focus on nothing other than ruminating about what I did that was so bad to warrant this... .or on how to fix it.

But then I went to anger and that got me to acceptance and now I wouldnt dream of attempting contact again.

I am going to give them the silent treatment now... .but not out of revenge and not for a short amount of time.

It is in my own interests to never communciate wit this person ever again for the pain they caused me

My heart is too soft and I can overlook bad things too easily and go back to the good stuff. But not this time.

Be strong. Come to this site as often as you need to. Distract yourself from the pain.

all the best

BB12

[hijodeganas]

Yeah, even though the length of time is similar your situation is different than mine. I didn't get my questions answered but at least I got responses.

Also, I cut off communication with her first. I got involved with another girl and decided it wasn't fair to be clinging to the past. I went LC; I wished her a happy new year, made a comment on one of her Facebook posts and subsequently got blocked. That was around mid-January. Haven't heard from her since.

Closure is a big thing, and the longer the relationship was the bigger it is.

[ViciousCycle]

The last thing mine said to my was to go F myself and never speak to her again, so I went NC starting then. I haven't heard from her in close to a year now, and it's definitely very weird as she still crosses my mind every day. I'm doing a lot better now but still miss her sometimes, overall I'm okay though. I doubt mine ever re-engages me due to the fact that she has a new boyfriend and due to the fact that I called her out for her wrong doings in the end such as cheating, lying, and stringing me along. The "Go F yourself and never talk to me again" thing was actually a response to me getting fed up with being mistreated so badly post break up, I finally stood up to her and got shut out as a result. These people are very sick, mine showed zero remorse for any of her immoral behaviors at the end of the relationship and afterwards... .nothing like the girl I thought I was with.

You'll be okay, just make sure to feel your pain. Your pain is real and your thoughts are real, try to feel and observe them from a neutral stand point whilst also not letting any of it get in the way of you working towards your goals. Best of luck  my friend.

'

[bb12]

Thanks Vicious Cycle

Yeah my situation was borne of me pushing back too.

I think, subconsciously, I wanted to let him know that the way he had started to treat me was not cool. Boundary setting I suppose.

He had begun to pick fights, roll his eyes, and generally pick fights.

The romantic side of things was already over and in retrospect, he must have sourced new supply. Then snip... .he cut the cord and painted me black.

I think the silent treatment only happens when we have pushed back, offended them with a demonstration of strength or boundaries. And if they have lined someone else up and they feel confident they have someone else to fill the void, then bang... .they're gone

Bb12

[sadblueeyes]

From what I've read, they process the end of the relationship completely opposite of how we "nons" do. We grieve at the beginning and slowly recover and feel better. They on the other hand, are fine initially, whether it's because they have a replacement or just paint you black, but as time goes on, it gets worse for them and they begin to miss you more and more and then will eventually reach out in need.

BTW, this explanation was written by a woman supposedly"recovering" from BPD.

[hijodeganas]

From what I've read, they process the end of the relationship completely opposite of how we "nons" do. We grieve at the beginning and slowly recover and feel better. They on the other hand, are fine initially, whether it's because they have a replacement or just paint you black, but as time goes on, it gets worse for them and they begin to miss you more and more and then will eventually reach out in need.

BTW, this explanation was written by a woman supposedly"recovering" from BPD.

That actually makes a lot of sense.  I wonder what other people here will think of it.

[AnonNZ]

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Three years out and not a peep... .I left her suddenly which may have contributed to that, but at the time I felt a bit worthless that she didn't try and pull me back in.

Three years down the track and I'm grateful that it worked out that way, I don't think I would've had the strength to keep walking if she'd tried.

Regardless of how it plays out now, it's the long-term result that matters... .It hurts now, but it's much better on the other side.

[NevestNA]

From what I've read, they process the end of the relationship completely opposite of how we "nons" do. We grieve at the beginning and slowly recover and feel better. They on the other hand, are fine initially, whether it's because they have a replacement or just paint you black, but as time goes on, it gets worse for them and they begin to miss you more and more and then will eventually reach out in need.

BTW, this explanation was written by a woman supposedly"recovering" from BPD.

My ex told me this verbatim on multiple occasions. He said that the more he was not with me, the more he realized how much he misses me and realizes how special we were.

Now, a normal person who understands his/her mistakes would follow such realizations by trying to heal the hurts and behave in ways that rebuild. But not so fast. In him, these realizations motivated nothing more than empty words that he didn't hesitate in sharing with no good intentions.

It's easy for me to say to you, "Be very glad you haven't heard" - and mean it - but unfortunately, it's not possible to know what it's like to walk in another's shoes on this.  On one hand, you have the validation of perceived continued involvement in his/her thought processes. On the other hand, and this is important, ask yourself what that really boils down to:

* Continued involvement in deeply disturbed thought processes

* Continued push/pull - even within some of the same communication

* Continued engagement and fresh new wounds, whatever those wounds might be. I don't think I've read of a single instance when this kind of contact lead to honest awareness, solid understanding, or peace.

What do you want from the communication? I can tell you at least from my own experience, whatever you think or expect you'll get from it - you will not. In my own experience, what you will get is more pain.

I empathize with how you feel, and can't say I'd feel differently in your shoes. The bottom line is that the ends of these relationships are fraught with pain and unanswered questions, regardless of whether or not our former partners continue to engage. The pain, for me, lies in large part in the absolute absence of honor. Relationships end, yes, and that hurts. But to be discarded without honor has hurt me more than I can describe.

Be careful what you wish for... .but then, I give myself the same advice. We can't always know what color green the other side of the fence provides. In these scenarios, unfortunately, all we can know is that neither side is green at all, but brown.

[sadblueeyes]

I think whether you hear or not depends on how attached they got. Mine "let me in" quite a bit and a year in a relationship for him, is a milestone. I believe he will never stop contacting me, unless I truly go NC, permanently. He always seems to reach out when I'm feeling weak and then I respond and it starts all over again.

When we've gotten together, it's like it always was. Fun, happy, laughing, idolizing. He is so good at compartmentalizing and splicing events, as if they never happened. Unfortunately, I believe I've become good at it, too. Ugh!

[NewStart]

At the height of our relationship my BPDexgf and her daughter lived with me and my boys, her daughter even had her own room.  Then as we all know, the wheels started to come off but like many of us I though love would prevail... .

Well, we go through a 'silent' phase with her still reaching out with an 'I love you so much' or a 'I hope you're saving time off so we can travel this summer'... .then... .BAM text message that says 'hey your boys saw me at school today with a new male friend so I hope you told them we're no longer sweeties... .'

And that was it... .she disappeared from my life complete NC for a little over a year.  Then one day I opened my email and my heart laterally almost jumped out of my chest... .an email from her.  Well I posted it here and remained for the most part no contact and finally asked her once and for all to 'Please don't text, email or call me again... .and please respect this boundary... ."

Well this summer will be two years since she last reached out with her long love letter to try to re-engage me and I turned her away... .now when I see her she looks the other way... .nervously turns and walks away etc etc... .I don't think I will ever hear from her again, even though she bought a house in my neighborhood... .

I guess to boil it down, overall the contact SUCKED!  It hurt it had mixed messages and in the end I had to do the hardest thing I ever have had to do and tell this person I love to please leave me alone... .forever. 

I know it doesn't make any sense and it hurts... .but NC is better in the long run... .sad but true... .some days I'm still torn about not letting her in last time she reached out... .oh well

Be strong and wish for NC you will be better off for it... .

Newstart

[oletimefeelin]

I have wondered this too.  You read these forums and get this weird jealousy that others are hearing from their crazy ex and not me.  Honestly, though, our post break-up dance last a while - almost one full year.  It had to stop at some point.  I have read so many stories on here about ex's just disappearing never to be heard from again.  This was hardly the case for me.  She agonized after making the decison and all the mixed messages that followed made me feel like a pretzel.

At some point it had to end,  we were on post b/u dance #2 and I ran into her with someone.  I said my goodbyes and blocked her number.  I am pretty sure she knows I don't want any more contact.  She tried through a friend and I ignored it.

As an aside to those who were broken up with and never heard word one.  I befriended a borderline in recovery a while back.  She had all the history of chaotic relationships, and in my eyes still had a long way to go.  Nonetheless, she was very self-aware and aware of what she did.  She told me point blank that a lot of borderlines know when they have made a giant mess of a relationship.  They won't revisit for they don't want to be reminded of that ugliness.  It is easier to start fresh.  She told me this a few times. 

Also, if someone doesn't want to be with you whether they are disordered or not in my opinion the right thing is to end communication.  As much as you may not realize it your borderline is giving you a gift. 

[SWLSR]

I was who did not hear from mine for some time and now she has began the re-engagement, not yet recycling but I have been told that is coming sometime later.  To tell you what to expect if you do get re-engaged, and you probably will, you will not geta sincere apology, they will continue to try to blame it all on you.  You will still be lied to, they will still try to manipulate you.  they will make excuses to talk to you, but not really say anything worth hearing.  And you will get tired of then rather quickly and the more you do not wish to deal to them the more they will try to deal with you, but it is not the same, you never can trust them and you find yourself not being able to stand being anywhere near them.  Mine has declared she is engaged to her new interest and is wearing the engagement ring I gave her.  I have no idea what to make of that.  But Forgetting and the rest, you will probably hear from them again becasue they tend to rewrite history in their own mind and at some point you will be back even if you dont want to be.

[atwitsend]

Outside of her response to my lawyer's letter for return of personal property, I haven't heard a word from her in 1.5 years_

[forgetthepast]

SWLSR,

Forgive me, but I laughed when I read that your ex said she was engaged to someone else but wearing the engagement ring you gave her?  Who does that?   ;p  

On a more serious note, thank you everyone for responding.  I have been going through some changes lately, I am moving back into my house this week (long story), but it is my home and I do have some mixed emotions.  I rented my house out to be with her and her kids.  We were going to buy a house together and get married, but obviously that never materialized.  I suffered great trauma in the aftermath of this breakup as her whole family verbally attacked me for trying to make the relationship work.  We had split up about 5 times and I was trying one last time to make it work.  She agreed to work at the relationship but dumped me a week later.  I know her family is dysfunctional and I shouldn't take it personally, but at the time I sure did.  This was a family who really liked me, or so I thought.  I feel relieved in a sense to go back to my own home after living in an apartment for the last 7 months, but I am also sad that I am moving back into the house I thought would remain a rental as we would purchase our dream home together.

I continue to doubt I will hear from her again.  I think OTF said it best, that they know when a relationship has become a mess and it is easier to start over with someone else.  I do see some logic in that, but it is tough when you wanted it to work with this person.  I believe that is exactly what she is doing.  The thing is, she caused the mess, but she will never see it or admit to it.  She is still a person and despite what happened, I do care about her and the kids.  I thought maybe she would have extended some sort of gratitude for the time we spent together, the things I did for the kids, apologize, etc. but the fact she hasn't just confirms to me that she is not healthy.

I am slowly trying to get through this, but there are days when the confusion and pain bubble up to the surface.

FTP  

[Simpleone]

I havent heard a peep in almost 1 year. He left his OW about 6 months ago- still I've heard nothing. And mind you, we are still married.

Pretty sure I'm not going to hear from him. He told me while we were dating that he NEVER goes back. Plus, he's too narcissistic.

[NewStart]

Simpleone-Interesting point, mine was an extreem narcissist as well and I wonder if this has something to do with the no contact?