Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 01:30:27 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Your ex was emotionally immature. Were you? Yes? No?  (Read 16635 times)
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #60 on: November 04, 2013, 08:05:14 PM »

Exactly.

And what is an appropriate person to get those from.

Short answer: someone "normal."

Longer answer, to start: someone we can have the type of conversation we're having right here and everywhere on this site with, connect, find commonalities and differences, and develop the ability to resolve conflicts and compromise.  Same things I headed into the relationship with my borderline to create, didn't quite work out that way.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #61 on: November 04, 2013, 08:15:13 PM »

I'm not speaking for all people in these relationships but starting a relationship with someone who has the severity of emotional issues someone with BPD can have isnt a real good start.  I say this as someone who did these things.

You want a secure attachment with your partner - don't pick someone with attachment issues.

You want a stable monogamous relationship with real intimacy - don't pick people with intimacy issues.

You want someone who is able to weather the ins and outs of a daily relationship - don't pick someone with abandonment issues.

Yes, and everyone has attachment, intimacy and abandonment "issues" to some extent; relationships are emotionally risky, we've all been burned before, borderline or not, and it's a continuum, not black and white.

The key word you used is "severity".  My borderline called herself "intense", other people did too, and it took a while for me to see what she meant.  Unacceptable is what I ended up calling it.
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #62 on: November 04, 2013, 08:30:46 PM »

If someone told me they were intense I'd probably be on my guard big time.  Id want and need to know what that actually means and possibly have one foot put the door... .now

Then I don't know.  In my immaturity I didn't listen - really listen to the alarm bells when told some very revealig and questionable stuff.

When someone is blatantly telling you - hey I come with problems - it speaks to something.

Part of maturity is knowing how much to get emotionally invested in the person and the relationship after seeing what's going on.  I dont believe we necessarily just "fall in love".  A lot of it is choice - choice to spend more time with them, choice to engage, choice, choice ... .

Heel was it the attraction/sexual interest?
Logged

fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #63 on: November 04, 2013, 08:50:42 PM »

Heel was it the attraction/sexual interest?

Ours was weird (who's wasn't I suppose).  We met on Facebook and 'talked' for a while that way, graduated to the phone, full on validation phase, then accelerated to texts and phone calls all day, where in hindsight I see she was mirroring me, I guess we were mirroring each other, and it was feeling great.  And of course it's hard to be intense by text unless you TYPE IN ALL CAPS.  She lived a plane ride away, so we didn't get together physically until several months into it, and yes, there was plenty of sexual and physical attraction.  But LDR's are hard for anyone, and the realities of it accelerated the dysfunction in my mind, although I've learned that the distance is actually attractive to a borderline, keeps me close but not too close.  In the end we were having two different relationships, both of us filling in the gaps because we weren't together all the time.  It was clear it wasn't working, but forge ahead I did, right into the devaluation stage where things got very ugly.  Had I been more focused on pressing to have those important conversations instead of getting lost in the emotion, felt like impending doom that I ignored, I would have learned sooner that she couldn't have the conversations we needed to; high school fantasy relationship comes to mind, which is where she was emotionally.  Oh well, live and learn, the big questions being why did I get so deep and lose touch with what I knew to be right?  Immaturity, inexperience, naivety, susceptibility.  Upgrade necessary, but I did know what I want from a relationship, and I think it's healthy.
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #64 on: November 04, 2013, 09:56:12 PM »

Skip,

My compassion and empathy... .

For her... .

Overrode my own... .

Self preservation thought processes.

Even with the direct knowledge... .

Of her disorder... .

And how that was going to play out... .

I accepted her... .

For who she was... .

Against my own best interests.

I put her... .

Before me.

My inability to love myself... .

Overpowered my reasoning.

Yes... .

She could do it again.

She has done it before successfully.

And she exhibited... .

Same behavior in friendship... .

As she got closer to me.

The difference now is... .

I witnessed from start... .

To finish... .

Her idealization... .

To devaluation... .

And discard... .

Of me.

I saw all of it.

I saw her dual personalities... .

With my own eyes.

I predicted all her behavior.

And more importantly... .

Via this forum... .

A spotlight was directed... .

At the fact that... .

I haven't been loving myself... .

All my life.

And I am trying to... .

Correct that.

I allowed awful behavior... .

To be done to me.

A reflection of my... .

Lack of self worth.

I don't want to continue... .

Down that path anymore.

2 rounds... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

Exposed that glaring... .

Flaw within me.



Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #65 on: November 05, 2013, 06:23:30 AM »

turkish/mango/heel, your exchange on the past page was very helpful, it described many of my own experiences. i could comment on any number of things you said, but i'll pick one:

Excerpt
Effectively becoming a parent stand in. (I'm not even going to go into the ramifications of this type of situation and the poor judgment/ego issues this brings up)

That was/is me. She even told me a few weeks ago that she needs to be with someone to "lead" and "guide" her. A 30 something year old woman, really? She needs the father she never had.

imo my wife's father is an abdicator, leaving the raising of his children to his emotionally immature wife while he was off making the career. i never saw him intervene in his childrens' lives. once the marriage began my w displayed even more than before the marriage ( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)) that she wanted to be taken care of like a baby (a word she used of herself once), to the point of having me clean up her kitchen messes. this is a phi beta kappa graduate with an excellently successful career. i made the mistake (from the marriage point of view) of refusing, but because of my own insecurity in asserting boundaries i did so in increasingly frustrated tones. i didn't know about BPD. she 'solved' our problems by deceit and abandonment, once she found someone willing to open the door (because she wouldn't have done so independently  PD traits). the reason she gave was that she "didn't feel cherished." she's 48. i've met the other party and that person was aggressive towards me twice during that meeting, so maybe my w has found the sheltering father figure that i wasn't, or wasn't enough for her.
Logged

GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #66 on: November 05, 2013, 04:03:28 PM »

One thing I've noticed is when someone has emotional maturity its not that they don't ever meet or have people in their lives that are difficult or have something like BPD.  It's that they know how to discern the boundaries, they are able to balance their needs and values with the other person and when to let go if they have to.  I don't think its any less painful its seems like a willingness to deal with the negative feelings, fears and loss.
Logged

goldylamont
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1083



« Reply #67 on: November 05, 2013, 05:30:06 PM »

One thing I've noticed is when someone has emotional maturity its not that they don't ever meet or have people in their lives that are difficult or have something like BPD.  It's that they know how to discern the boundaries, they are able to balance their needs and values with the other person and when to let go if they have to.  I don't think its any less painful its seems like a willingness to deal with the negative feelings, fears and loss.

thank you GreenMango! I identify with this the most. Somehow I was able to bail before most of the damage was done. The issues that (used to) hurt me so much occurred after seeing this person's behavior after we broke up, and realizing I never knew who or what she was. I chose to leave when I had enough (which I think is a rare thing to happen to her), yet it was still very hurtful to realize.

I learned a lot about myself and about relationships, definitely matured. However her BPD issues mainly raised my awareness about mental issues in general. The majority of my maturing (living with someone, long term r/s, etc.) have occurred in all my r/s and aren't due to the BPD, imo.
Logged
Juno

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 45


« Reply #68 on: November 05, 2013, 09:05:59 PM »

I know I'm an outsider to this group. I'm probably the guy that everyone hates in this group. I'm the guy that used very poor judgment and slept with another man's wife. I hate myself for doing this. I was 18 and the wife was my high school teacher. If I could reverse time I would never even come close to this woman. What I don't get is why she pursued me. I wasn't attracted to her and I don't understand how someone could use such poor judgment to put so much at risk. She was smart with a college degree and retired as head of the science department of the high school. Even now she's adjunct professor at major university. Yet, after 26 years she still sends me letters and msg's even though she's still married. I don't get this? How can someone be so smart and be so stupid?
Logged
qwaszx
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 259


« Reply #69 on: November 05, 2013, 09:20:08 PM »

im going to say yes, but i was 18 when i met her, so i feel like i was aloud to be, problems really started when i wanted to grow and she couldnt grow with me... (from saving money for a future, holding down a job, to staying solid in one area)
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #70 on: November 05, 2013, 09:46:41 PM »

I know I'm an outsider to this group. I'm probably the guy that everyone hates in this group. I'm the guy that used very poor judgment and slept with another man's wife. I hate myself for doing this. I was 18 and the wife was my high school teacher. If I could reverse time I would never even come close to this woman. What I don't get is why she pursued me. I wasn't attracted to her and I don't understand how someone could use such poor judgment to put so much at risk. She was smart with a college degree and retired as head of the science department of the high school. Even now she's adjunct professor at major university. Yet, after 26 years she still sends me letters and msg's even though she's still married. I don't get this? How can someone be so smart and be so stupid?

Hey  I'm just saying this straight up.  This was your teacher.  She was how old? 30 something.  She's took advantage of a kid.  Sexually persuing a barely legal student is wrong.  I'm guessing she was your teacher before you hit 18 and has had these feelings for awhile waiting.  She doesn't belong around students and should have her teaching license revoked.  This is predatory and totally unethical - but barely legal.  Im taking the married part off the table too because she should have known better - you were a kid.  She was abusing a child.

For both of you at 18.  New studies are showing adolescence doesn't end until 25-26 these days.  At freshly 18 you are still learning and maturing.

The goal at BPD if you find yourself here is to heal and hopefully leave more mature than you came.

Logged

Conundrum
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316


« Reply #71 on: November 05, 2013, 11:12:37 PM »

I am truly unsure how to answer this question? From the onset, I immediately noticed the idealization and counseled my much younger pwBPD that her identity could not be based upon mine. That she should aspire towards a meaningful life that could be sustained with or without me.

On the other hand, I was aware that I could mold her to perhaps perform the role that at that time I needed. Namely, being a step-mother to my very young boys and help me in many domestic avenues of my life. That she did, and it held for 6 years. A core truth though is that I always was aware that she was unstable and welcomed the challenge. Not to save her, but to see whether I could enjoy being with a uniquely eccentric being without losing my sense of center.

I did not ever truly expect our relationship to result in marriage--if completely honest with myself. And in retrospect, I did not want to marry again. I knew with a degree of certainty that I was finished with bringing children into this world. She was so young. I knew what I wanted out out of her, and loved her quite deeply. She was severely damaged and I was willing to share my life with her for a while. I have no regrets except one. That they have not found a cure for this terrible disorder. A magic pill that would reverse the trauma and illness, so that our love could be eternal. 
Logged
HarmKrakow
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226


« Reply #72 on: November 06, 2013, 02:50:48 AM »

Excerpt
And I was like O_o whats wrong with you, we started talking, 4 months later lived 2 together and 2 years la'er

I also knew of my ex's emotional problems.  These weren't normal relationship conflicts - they were self medicating issues, severe jealousy and abandonment insecurities, wildly fluctuating moods and reactions.  The way I figure it maturity would have been to say to myself these issues are ones that make for an unhealthy relationship.  And this person to be good parnter for me needs to address them or I need to leave them be.  What was immature was thinking that some how my participation in the relationship would negate/solve these problems when in actuality love or my love is not that powerful.

Harm rushing into a relationship and living together after 4 months is pretty quick.  Especially after knowing the "bigger" picture items going on with her. 

Do you think you might have had some unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with her?

Yes I did have some unrealistic fantasies about saving her. What was this beautiful girl doing with this big Albanian guy who hits her, raped her, etc? I thought that she could be saved because IQ wise she is very clever and finished like me university with highest marks and distinction.

Little did I know that she is the textbook high-functioning borderliner personality kinda girl.

We moved in together so quickly because so she could be away from the big bad wolf (her ex). There was no single day between breaking up with her ex and starting with me.
Logged
newlyhopeful

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 27


« Reply #73 on: November 06, 2013, 04:14:24 AM »

Thank you skip. I needed reminding of my own role in my dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to have an emotionally mature relationship. I feel ready by am yet to meet anyone in the same position. It really does seem to be true that all the good ones are taken
Logged
zkirtz

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 45



« Reply #74 on: November 06, 2013, 04:12:03 PM »

YES

is the answer to the question in the title.

I finally woke up today. It was not so much my ex who caused the problem. It was me, igniting the fire. I was terribly immature.



I was unable to set any boundary, what I always knew and fully accepted. I always knew about my irrational lack of self worth and tried to ignore it by not mentioning it or just swallow it away. Nevertheless, I never saw the wrong in this. I thought altruism was good and manipulative traits in me were not so bad because hey, I need them to become the All Star do gooder altruist.

But never did I realize so badly that I should face this.

I am needy! ME!   The do-gooder.The All Star. I am the Pleaser. I am the one unable to face that I neither can nor have to live up to everyones expectations. I am the one who tries to manipulate everyone into the big MeShow, it all serves the purpose of confirming how great I am by pleasing everybody.Thats why I clamp to my colleagues in order to get confirmation about how stupid X is. That is why all my good friends have serious psychiatric problems. Thats why I read this forum and write posts to it. I'll let you in on a big secret. It is because I am desperately seeking for confirmation of what is so obvious that i SHOULD not need this confirmation.

I am addicted to the Zaz is right, good, smart, lovely, witty show. The other reactions are very low, unlike other forums, except for those heroic volunteers, but I get that now. That is because a lot of you readerhalllelujah-leeches are like me. We do not like others seeking for confirmation, we do not like others to give us this confirmation, we like others who praise us because they praise us. That is why we seed compliment upon compliment.

What is a compliment of such a person worth to anyone?

So now I finally do understand myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q/url].


I would not have understood this by myself ever if it was not for this:

[url]https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193555.0


and this one after that.

www.reignitethefire.net/codependency-serious-problem-relationships/

Thank you so much everybody for this forum. It not only saved my life, it seriously improved me and I really needed some improvement :'(
Logged
Undine

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: living apart, 2 mos
Posts: 27


« Reply #75 on: November 06, 2013, 05:26:52 PM »

Was I emotionally immature? YES! Did I enter into the relationship knowing this? YES! I felt I needed to work on myself in the area of life partner relationships & I knew if I continued to keep myself from having this type of relationship I would never grow. So I took a chance & got something that I would never had chosen if I had had any idea about what was going on. I was so busy looking for alcoholic behavior that I completely ignored the red flags. I was too stubborn to give up & I thought my Higher Power was teaching me patience. When it finally imploded I knew what was coming & tried to be prepared but I still struggle. The message for me was don't keep falling in love with people who can't love you back! But how can you know this before you become involved?
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #76 on: November 06, 2013, 06:00:33 PM »

Excerpt
But how can you know this before you become involved?

Part of it is heeding those red flags and putting the breaks on.

Part of it learning about healthy relaionships. What to look for.

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability -communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

The taking personal inventory board (open to senior members at 50 posts) is a great place to dig into those things like emotional maturity and learning new healthier skills.


Logged

ucmeicu2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 389


« Reply #77 on: November 06, 2013, 08:03:39 PM »

yes.  

especially #2 of this definition:

1. not fully grown or developed

2. deficient in maturity; lacking wisdom, insight, emotional stability, etc.[/i]



but, OTOH, i find optimism and hope in this definition:


   1.

   not fully developed.  synonyms: unripe, not mature, premature, unmellowed; undeveloped,   unformed, unfinished, raw, embryonic[/i]

being unfinished and raw reminds me that i am a work in progress.  this business of maturing is never done!

my worst citatations of immaturity with my xBPDgf is that i entered a r/s too soon; became sexual too soon (and w/out my husband's knowledge or "permission/blessings", which i later got when i came clean to him, but the damage of cheating was already done); ignored my gut instincts as well as all the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that i became aware of; didn't end it when a "normal healthy" person probably would have; guilty of fantastical/fantasy/magical thinking; thought i could well not "fix" her, but help her heal ~ got mad everytime reality showed me i couldn't; let her invade my boundaries b/c they were either weak or non-existant; thought my/our love could 'conquer all'; unconsciously enabled her to stay in sick/BPD/victim mode; must've had on blinders as to just how seriously mentally ill she was and was overly optimistic abt her chances for recovery; gave ultimatums but then didn't follow thru when she didn't comply; let my emotions lead me around, rather than logic; was very co-dependent and placed her wants/needs/etc before mine;  i could go on but since i'm new to being so honest with myself   , this is enough for now.

PS SKIP SAID:  "One thing we encourage at bpdfamily is to try to heal and recover from the relationship with greater maturity than we had in the relationship -- for everyone to make it a goal to start today -- to start on that healthier pathway today. It will take work - it will take time - it will be bit painful -  but start today."

UCMEICU2 SEZ:  thank you, skip, for that 'hand up'... .  well put, and it gave me the encouragement i needed to answer the title question of this thread, in public. 
Logged
VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549



« Reply #78 on: November 08, 2013, 04:51:32 AM »

Part of it learning about healthy relaionships. What to look for.

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are: ... .


Interesting list. Looking back my r/s didn't start of healthy.

My BPDxw didn't always pay respect. How longer we were together, the less she did. I always tried, but think I didn't do to well affirming her emotions.

Trust and support: she didn't support me, didn't let me have my own feelings, friends, activities and interests.

Honesty and accountability: everything was everybody elses fault. She would turn and lie a lot.

Shared responsibility: never could agree about that. She wanted to split houshold-tasks 50/50, while she was at home all day and I had to work 5/6 days.

Economic: At first not a problem, but she became more and more demanding.

Negotion and fairness: see honesty and accountability.

Non-threatening behavior. Oh no... .
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10988


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #79 on: November 12, 2013, 11:33:23 AM »

Shared responsibility: never could agree about that. She wanted to split houshold-tasks 50/50, while she was at home all day and I had to work 5/6 days.

That's funny, me too. Mine also works full time, though for two years, I agreed for her to work 32 hour weeks so she could make some progress in school (she did until the second kid came). I ended up splitting inside the house tasks equitably, but she did nothing outside other than trimming some roses all of twice in three years. I also paid the mortgage, most of the food, all household repairs (to be fair, the home is in my name), took care of her car... .bought her a <$30 SUV two weeks before she said we were "done" and four weeks before I found out about the affair, wasting half of my savings on the wasted down payment since we had to get rid of it anyway.

She denied that I was taking care of her. I told her that number one priorities, in order were: mortgage/rent, utilities, food. I took care of all or most of those, while having her only contribute a few hundred a month to a joint account (most of the money in it was mine, however, I contributed some too... .paid the mortgage out of my account). Forced us to save. Contributed to S's college account. She does buy most of their clothes (not too expensive at this point), and did pay for the childcare, so I can't really complain too much.

I guess my immaturity, in her view, was that I focused on being too much of a provider, and not enough of a lover. So she went out on me... .there is no excuse for cheating, but I still feel some culpability in not trying to fan the flames of romance more, especially after things became more stressful after out second child. I don't know... .to me that's life. How is it my job to make someone happy? I never expected her to make me happy. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a decent human being, and to not have a partner sabotage the goals I set for our family.

On the latter, it wasn't too bad. We worked ok together (except for blowing it on the new car). On the former, well... .it's just not possible for a BPD to do that, any more than it's possible for a child to not throw tantrums over little stupid things. My mom, however, says she counted my bad tantrums in my whole childhood as exactly one, when I was about 7, and that I did it quietly in my room by myself, raging over having to do a certain homework assignment. I think I was messed up and depressed a lot, but I never, ever treated people like ___. She adopted me when I was 2 and a half. Maybe I was just born with an even personality. Or maybe part of it was a defense mechanism. In retrospect, I did have a little bit of an avoidant attachment style.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Octoberfest
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« Reply #80 on: November 12, 2013, 12:28:17 PM »

Very emotionally immature.  It was my first relationship ever, and my expecations and dreams of what could be were far, far from reality.
Logged

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
[/url]
Starlight607

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 36


« Reply #81 on: November 12, 2013, 01:14:59 PM »

One of the results of my relationship with my ex BPD bf is acknowledging my own insecurity and lack of self worth. I was emotionally neglected as a child and brought up not to bother people with your problems. This is entrenched. I was happily married for 16 years until my husband just left me for another woman much younger than me and without children. It knocked me for six. The trauma was with me for a very long time. I then ended up with my ex BPD bf and he made me feel special again - for a while anyway. Then the BPD behaviours became a norm. I was immature in my responses so much of the time. I , too, had such patience then I would completely lose the plot. I would be so angry and so frustrated and this was a clear sign I had lost control. He would then conveniently tell me I was bonkers or unhinged! His get out every time. I fell for this so much and yes I would say it was emotionally immature. I was desperate for this relationship to work for the wrong reasons. I am not proud of my behaviour, getting angry or being so needy in a sense to be loved and cared for. I am embarrassed by it really. However I can identify why now and am not so hard on myself anymore. It is important to me to slowly and surely build my self worth back by looking after myself. It is also ok to be single. It really is. But then I am lucky I have two amazing kids and fab friends etc. so yes I have been immature in my needs and behaviour but it can change. It just takes being honest with yourself, accepting support and taking things a little slower sometimes.
Logged
Discovery
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94



« Reply #82 on: November 12, 2013, 02:30:25 PM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature.

I ignored many  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

I had unresolved problems from my marriage (we knew we were at an impasse, but hadn't actually separated and were still together but stagnant) when I jumped into the r/s w the pwBPD.

I let myself go way too fast, and broke many of my normal boundaries (but justified it because I had "never felt so strongly about anyone before" - it felt like a "spiritual" connection, but in fact was also a lot about physical "chemistry"

I had always longed for a "soul mate" partnership -- and without REALLY assessing this person and who they were in all areas of their life, I fell in love with his openness, how easy it was to talk deeply with him, and the intimacy I felt with him.

Although in many ways I felt good about myself, there was definitely inner insecurity which longed for the kind of validation I got in the idealization phase.

I allowed disrespectful behaviors because he had a traumatic childhood and I knew there was a lot of unconscious patterns underneath the disrespectful reactivity... .and I thought I could help him see this/change it.

I was the emotional caretaker for him to the detriment of me.

And I can likely find many more... .as I continue with my own healing and self-understanding.

Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10988


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #83 on: November 12, 2013, 02:48:47 PM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature.

I ignored many  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

I had unresolved problems from my marriage (we knew we were at an impasse, but hadn't actually separated and were still together but stagnant) when I jumped into the r/s w the pwBPD.

I let myself go way too fast, and broke many of my normal boundaries (but justified it because I had "never felt so strongly about anyone before" - it felt like a "spiritual" connection, but in fact was also a lot about physical "chemistry"

I had always longed for a "soul mate" partnership -- and without REALLY assessing this person and who they were in all areas of their life,

I'm not specifically slamming you, but I find that the desire to find one's "soul mate" is a huge red flag, and a sign of emotional immaturity. I almost got into dating a woman 11 years older than me who was at the end of her divorce and separation. When she threw out that she was looking for her "soul mate" I was like, uhhhh. Of course, my immaturity was that I knew she was an emotionally disordered and damaged woman, and that is why I was attracted to her in the first place. And she to me... .dodged that bullet, only to fall into another one for the past 6 years with my stbBPDx! I hope I've learned my lesson... .
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Discovery
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94



« Reply #84 on: November 12, 2013, 04:19:14 PM »

I'm not specifically slamming you, but I find that the desire to find one's "soul mate" is a huge red flag, and a sign of emotional immaturity.



I don't believe this desire is of itself immature... .I have many friends who have relationships which I would consider to be "soulmate" r/s... .I guess people perceive this term differently... .However, I do see now very clearly that you can't get to that kind of r/s without being really WHOLE and happy with yourself first. I do believe in a healthy partnership, both people stand strong as individuals AND can grow and evolve together. I learned an enormous amount about relationships with my former partner -- and they are all things which have matured me and I am grateful for all of them.

Logged
borderdude
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 295



« Reply #85 on: October 01, 2014, 09:31:25 AM »

If I had enabled a caretaking role towards my BPD SO, I would for shure rendered myself immature, which I did not.
Logged
Hawk Ridge
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 303



« Reply #86 on: October 01, 2014, 11:31:35 AM »

Yes, I think I changed in the relationship, coming in as a confident optimistic bright eyed individual, leaving as an immature, fragile, lost, indecisive, and broken individual.  Yes
Logged

blissful_camper
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 611



« Reply #87 on: October 01, 2014, 11:34:54 AM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature.

I excused red flag behavior. ("He's coming out of a bad marriage"  "He's under a lot of stress"

I knew that it's healthy to take a year or more off from dating, but he chose not to at the end of his 10-year marriage. I entered the relationship because I was afraid of losing him.

I became his caretaker in the sense that I was trying to help him better understand his "issues." I was providing too much emotional support in areas where there should have been a boundary. (His divorce) I encouraged him to seek therapy. (Not my job) He hoped my "healthy would rub off" on him. (Unhealthy) Maybe on some level I thought that if he had a positive influence in his life, it would benefit him. (Narcissistic thinking at my end)

Yes, I was definitely emotionally immature. The relationship was what I needed at that time.  It made me aware of my own issues and what I need to work on.
Logged
crookedeuphoria
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 160


« Reply #88 on: October 01, 2014, 11:47:44 AM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature.

I excused red flag behavior. ("He's coming out of a bad marriage"  "He's under a lot of stress"

I knew that it's healthy to take a year or more off from dating, but he chose not to at the end of his 10-year marriage. I entered the relationship because I was afraid of losing him.

I became his caretaker in the sense that I was trying to help him better understand his "issues." I was providing too much emotional support in areas where there should have been a boundary. (His divorce) I encouraged him to seek therapy. (Not my job) He hoped my "healthy would rub off" on him. (Unhealthy) Maybe on some level I thought that if he had a positive influence in his life, it would benefit him. (Narcissistic thinking at my end)

Yes, I was definitely emotionally immature. The relationship was what I needed at that time.  It made me aware of my own issues and what I need to work on.

I could have written this.
Logged
GreenEyedMonster
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 720



WWW
« Reply #89 on: July 22, 2016, 11:37:36 AM »

I am sure that I have some degree of emotional immaturity, but I don't think this was the main cause of my situation with my exBPD.

To clarify, I only dated my ex for about 15 weeks.  By that time, I was very seriously contemplating a breakup with him -- my feelings on his behavior were beginning to change rapidly as new information came out about him.  Two months is barely enough time to get to know someone.  While I enjoyed his childlike wonder about the world, he absolutely could not have an adult conversation about relationship issues, despite many attempts.  Any issue that I brought up was received with a torrent of defensiveness, excuses, finger pointing, blaming, and gaslighting.  I never found this to be a tolerable situation.  I figured out very quickly that this man who had come across as sweetly innocent had claws buried in there somewhere and didn't need my help with anything.

I tried to play the game where I ignore my own needs and just never bring things up that bother me.  Yeah, I made it about two weeks like that.  I just don't have that level of patience or codependence or whatever to make a situation like that work long term.

The majority of the trauma for me in the relationship was not so much the sense of having lost a "soul mate" because I never once felt that about my ex.  It was because of the abrupt breakup with no closure and the ensuing smear campaign that has wrecked a lot of friendships and threatened to wreck other parts of my life.  I wish I had never met this man and I see few redeeming characteristics in this mama's basement man-child.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!