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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Your ex was emotionally immature. Were you? Yes? No?  (Read 16700 times)
Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #90 on: July 22, 2016, 03:12:40 PM »

In my case. I was the mature one. I was older than her.  To be honest I knew my uBPDex was very immature but what attracted me to her was her bubbly personality and looks. She is very attractive. After a period of time I got down to her maturity level. I can't really explain it but it is true when they say “Tell me who you are with and I'll tell you who you are".

To a degree I knew what I was getting myself into. What I didn't know was, to what level of immaturity I was in for. Yes, she was very immature but I ignored that. At first I thought that that somehow would go away when or after our relationship grew. I was very wrong and I learned a lot from that.
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« Reply #91 on: July 22, 2016, 03:28:18 PM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature, but I tend to disagree that I was on the same 'immaturity' level as my ex. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this, but I'm being as objective as I can with this self-assessment. For example, I was to a large extent aware of my shortcomings in the relationship, and did my best to improve over time, as specified in this point:

. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

I was (to my advantage) older than him, more mature in the ways of the world, and I feel my degree in psychology really helped me to recognise certain things as wrong, even if I did try to ignore them. And, as I mentioned, I was aware that the only person I could change was myself, so I did my best at the time to rein in the behaviours that I felt were unreasonable. I did look to him to be the main source of my happiness, and I knew it wasn't right.

He, on the other side, did nothing to improve his behaviour, despite all the promises he made to me. In fact, I now wonder if deep down he knew he was wrong, as sometimes he'd try to blame things like his rages on things that I had said. He didn't want to take responsibility for his actions. In the end, I feel he was definitely the more immature one - he certainly showed that during the breakup, whereas I feel I dealt with the whole ordeal with a lot of self-respect and dignity. Although it doesn't really matter now, as someone who tends to self-blame a lot, it does help me to see where my strong points were, too.

The main point is, I'm now one year out and I'm a different person to who I was back then. I've done a lot of self-work and I definitely feel it's paying off, as I'm able to look back on myself with self-compassion. I really did the best I could with the tools that I had available to me at the time, and I realise I did well despite the fact it was my first serious relationship. Maybe we were at the same level of immaturity when we first met, but as the relationship grew, I feel I made a lot of changes. He did try, but in the end it just wasn't enough, and he got dragged back into a toxic family dynamic and regressed, while I was left reeling.

He did me a massive favour, though.
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« Reply #92 on: July 22, 2016, 03:55:57 PM »

I was emotionally immature in that I believed what he was saying, even when his actions didn't back it up. I wanted the fantasy that he was presenting; I needed an injection of feeling and purpose into my life at the time, and he provided that, but of course, not in the way that I expected. I didn't want to look at my stuff, and he was the perfect distraction to lead me away from myself.

Ultimately the drama and feeling that was evoked by the relationship actually led me back to myself and my feelings and values, and for that I am very grateful.
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« Reply #93 on: July 22, 2016, 04:11:30 PM »

I have heard that we select partners that are similar with emotional maturity, I didn't know that it was Bowen's theory but I'm not emotionally immature like my exuBPD wife. I struggle with relationships and I didn't like how clingy my exuBPDw was at the beginning of our r/s. She was going to college to so some upgrading and she was going to return home, the day she left she had left me a box with a journal. Members will be able to relate with this but she was telling me how much she loved me, I read that letter after she left and I can see how exaggerated her words were, everything was perfect, far from the devaluation phase.

At the time I thought that she was potentially my wife and I called her to tell her I was going to come to see her, I got a call two or three weeks later and she said that she was pregnant. I'm adopted and I didn't meet my biological mom until I was 31 by choice but I wanted to be involved with my D, I wanted to be a part of her life and as close to her as possible. On the other hand I also wanted to settle down and have a family but I think that I had married for the wrong reasons, we really didn't know each other and things moved too quickly.
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« Reply #94 on: July 22, 2016, 04:39:15 PM »

I have heard that we select partners that are similar with emotional maturity, I didn't know that it was Bowen's theory but I'm not emotionally immature like my exuBPD wife.

I tend to think that this theory applies in proportion to the length of the relationship.  People who can be comfortable long-term with a very emotionally immature person probably have more self work to do than those who pick up and leave sooner. 

I've stayed in bad situations before -- not with the BPD ex -- and spent a lot of time thinking about why.  Some people are just very afraid of abandonment, which in itself isn't necessarily emotional immaturity.  In my case, I stayed with a partner who had a crippling anxiety disorder.  I had known and dated him as an adolescent and teen, before the disorder fully manifested, and I could remember what he was like when I fell in love with him.  I got stuck for a long time wishing for the return of his non-anxious state.  We eventually went separate ways when he was so anxious that I was a major trigger.  Now, a few years later, he is in treatment and making great progress, so who knows what the future holds.  He is the person I always considered my soul mate.  When he was very impaired by his disorder, I knew the relationship was sick, but I kept hoping and hoping it would turn around.  Frankly I am baffled by people who put up with a relationship with a narcissist or severe BPD partner and constantly wonder what the next day will hold -- abuse or bliss.  I have zero tolerance for that kind of volatility.
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« Reply #95 on: July 22, 2016, 06:24:34 PM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature in a number of ways. First, my ex was engaged when we started together and I basically went into the relationship for "fun". So the foundation of our relationship was immature in that it was dishonest towards her fiancé and it was initially "no-strings-attached" fun together -- not just sex, though that was a big part of it, but also lots of deep-feeling conversations with our guards completely down, lots of laughing together, running and going to the gym together, ... .all the easy, fun aspects of a relationship, with no sense of commitment.

Then, she left her fiancé and started pressuring me to move in with her. I resisted. This created tension in our relationship that would only get worse and worse. But in response to her increasing jealousy and anger and emotional outbursts, I just kept trying to soothe her emotions and maintain the intense emotional and sexual connection we seemed to have. I felt madly in love with her, but I wasn't any better at addressing the growing tension in our relationship. She approached it through emotionally violent outbursts - raging at me, accusing me of all kinds of cheating that I wasn't in any way doing, collapsing in fits of wild sobbing, and eventually lining up my replacements (yes, plural). I dealt with it all by avoidance. I just wanted the anger and the pain to pass so we could enjoy the passion, love, and happiness again.

My avoidance wasn't any more mature than her extreme emotional outbursts. The one thing that has been very hard to digest, though, is that I tried so hard not to hurt her (walking on eggshells) and was so invested in trying to make her happy. Whereas she could unleash such violent torrents of emotion on me, and when she didn't get her way she would tell me she was done and wanted nothing more to do with me. This was usually followed the next day by her begging and pleading with me and raging at me saying, "how can you let one outburst ruin all that we have?" etc -- dynamics that are familiar to many other members here, it seems.

Really, I let myself be swept up in the passion, the emotions, the drama, ... .and I more than played my part, and it was as immature a part as the one my ex played. If I'm being honest, there's no way I can deny that.

As the relationship was collapsing, I once blurted out to my ex, "It's like we were playing with fire the whole time, and there were no adults in the room." I didn't think of it all that much before expressing it like that, but that way of putting it has really stuck with me -- I think my mind hit on a hard truth there, and I've been slowly digesting it ever since ... .
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« Reply #96 on: July 22, 2016, 10:13:46 PM »

I have heard that we select partners that are similar with emotional maturity, I didn't know that it was Bowen's theory but I'm not emotionally immature like my exuBPD wife.

I tend to think that this theory applies in proportion to the length of the relationship.  People who can be comfortable long-term with a very emotionally immature person probably have more self work to do than those who pick up and leave sooner.  

I speak for myself when this, I agree with that. I'd like to add that I was scared of being alone and having to start over. Yes, I had a lot self work to do and this is not something that I wanted to repeat. Once was enough. I was running away from my issues and it felt like it caught with me. I had to face my unresolved issues.

I had decided to take a two or three year break from r/s, I didn't want to jump into anything too soon. It's not a lot of time to sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.
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« Reply #97 on: July 23, 2016, 04:42:04 PM »

Ultimately the drama and feeling that was evoked by the relationship actually led me back to myself and my feelings and values, and for that I am very grateful.

Yes, what you said in your post, all of it, but especially this about the drama. I wanted the drama and the roiled up feelings. It connected to me to something in myself that I felt was otherwise out of my reach. I had forgotten that! Wow, that was a big part of it for me and I had completely forgotten it.

Aside from all the adoration and intensity and physical intimacy and the shared interests and intellectual pursuits - I was kind of drawn to the bad stuff, because it gave me the drama that was missing somehow - the access to my own emotional depths. Weird. I really have to think about this some more.

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« Reply #98 on: July 23, 2016, 04:44:50 PM »

Oh yea, I guess it goes without saying that I think I was emotionally immature.
Yes, I certainly was.

But I am now wondering if I might still be more than I thought... .
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FallBack!Monster
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« Reply #99 on: July 23, 2016, 09:00:54 PM »

Don't we all act a  it I immature  when we find new love? Especially when we're having lots of fun. So for me is a NO. Im not emotionally immature.     Smiling (click to insert in post)       Being cool (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #100 on: July 24, 2016, 09:31:31 AM »

I feel that it was emotionally immature of me to be easily drawn into a triangulation relationship with my BPD ex. I was so quick to rush into the caretaker-rescuer and exhaust myself that I feel and felt that there's definitely something undesirable there. What is more jarring is that I seem to be a functional adult--with a variety of seemingly healthy relationship types--yet such a vulnerability remained hidden for such a long time.

Like  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) heartandwhole I am tremendously grateful for being able to see a way to not get stuck in such a terribly unfair, harmful, and destructive relationship for the rest of my life.
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« Reply #101 on: July 24, 2016, 10:08:13 AM »

I think everyone on this site had/has had moments of being emotionally immature but then came to his/her senses. Consequently, the relationship with the BPD partner did not/could not last. It's a tough road for us nons because we see what the BPD partner COULD have been had that person taken responsibility for his/her behavior. But since a BPD individual is too EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE, that just doesn't happen.

So in short: We nons might have been emotionally immature with regard to the relationship, but we did not remain that way... .that's why we are out (or trying to get out).  Thought
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« Reply #102 on: July 24, 2016, 10:31:05 AM »

It's a tough road for us nons because we see what the BPD partner COULD have been had that person taken responsibility for his/her behavior. But since a BPD individual is too EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE, that just doesn't happen.

And a personality disorder is much more than emotional immaturity yes?  The emotional immaturity being a consequence of the disorder.
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« Reply #103 on: July 24, 2016, 12:24:29 PM »

I don't agree that we are necessarily on the same level of emotional immaturity as our exes. But looking back, I definitely see many times when I showed emotional immaturity. Mostly by getting caught up in the artificial intimacy at the beginning, and not accepting sooner that my ex wasn't capable of a healthy relationship.

I definitely fell for the "soulmate" way of thinking, in the BPD relationship and a previous high-conflict relationship, and a lot of the problems can be traced to that. I was also just chronologically immature during these relationships (age 20 with first gf and 22 when I met BPDex) which didn't help.

Do you all think that emotional maturity is synonymous with awareness (conscious or subconscious) and use of the tools here? Do emotionally mature people just naturally validate, set boundaries, etc?

Just curious because I'm not sure I've ever encountered someone who acts that way without having been explicitly taught (on here, therapy, social work school, etc). That is, I don't think I know anyone who would naturally do the right things in a BPD relationship without targeted learning about how to deal with emotional dysregulation, boundary busters, etc. And I think it's natural to want to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially in a new relationship, so you might not realize the need to learn these skills until you're already in over your head.

I do know lots of people who would have seen red flags or been uncomfortable with the inappropriate emotions and ended the relationship after a date or two... .but I don't like to think that the ONLY healthy/mature response to a pwBPD is to end the relationship asap.
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« Reply #104 on: July 24, 2016, 06:06:26 PM »

I don't think I know anyone who would naturally do the right things in a BPD relationship without targeted learning about how to deal with emotional dysregulation, boundary busters, etc.
... .
I don't like to think that the ONLY healthy/mature response to a pwBPD is to end the relationship asap.

Hi thisagain, I absolutely agree with you that I have no idea how I would have known the right way to deal with my ex's behaviour, except to have gone through it all or to have been explicitly taught about emotional dysregulation, setting proper boundaries, etc ... .

At the same time, I would say that I do know a lot of people who would never have found themselves in an intimate relationship with someone like my ex. In fact, I think that a lot of people simply aren't prone to falling "madly in love". And I think this is a really tricky line to walk in relationships ... .on the one hand, I like that I've always been someone who can fall in love, feel the highs of passion, intense desire, enjoy laughing my head off with someone, being silly, etc etc. After all, there is a lot of acting "immature" in those early stages of a passionate relationship ... .and even later in the relationship, too. One of the most precious things about an intimate relationship is that you can let your guard down, be silly, even a little childish at times, and hopefully feel safe doing it.

But, I think, this all comes with a certain risk -- one that has burned so many of us here. I thought that my ex and I were just more madly in love than I had ever been with someone. I didn't recognise (at least not early and clearly enough) that the intense emotions and connection we had were sometimes twisting that happy, immature, wild and carefree space of "falling in love" into something much darker. I think in a healthy relationship, when someone expresses serious pain or anxiety or worry, then you're both able to shift out of that more childlike, immature way of relating and deal with the tension/pain/confusion/anxiety in an adult way. That's how all my past relationships had gone. But, in hindsight, with my most recent ex, she would become even more childlike when she was hurt -- would throw tantrums, collapse in fits of hysterical sobbing, launch wild accusations. I think that, to the extent I showed emotional maturity in the relationship, it's that I would try to be more serious in those moments and calm her down and have an adult conversation. But, unfortunately, I also started hiding things from her to shield myself from her rage -- and that was immature.

It's true that, by the time we had reached that point, I was in over my head and didn't know how to cope. I would have needed someone to teach me about all the things that are discussed here on this website. But I can still recognise that I was emotionally immature in ignoring the early red flags that popped up along the way -- especially what my ex had told me about her past relationships and the ways they had all ended. And, like I said, I for sure know lots of people who would never have let themselves be swept up in a passionate romance with someone like my ex, who was upfront about all her past relationships.

But, like I also said, I agree with you that we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. Falling in love is by its very nature a little reckless and wild and immature. I don't regret any of the times I've fallen in love, not even with my most recent ex. Ultimately, I think that it takes some life experience before we can learn to balance that wild side of love with the ability to recognise when the dynamics really are dangerously off.
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« Reply #105 on: July 24, 2016, 08:11:36 PM »

Yes we both were tremendously immature emotionally.

I didn't realize how immature I was until several months after our final recycle.

During the relationship I made her the center of my universe and blamed her for everything that went wrong even though a substantial portion of it was down to me.

I used to react rather than respond to everything she did.

For her part she would constantly test me and the worse I got the worse she got until it ended really badly.

I feel I have made a good deal of progress since realizing all of this but it takes real time to overcome all of this.

I need to dig more into the workshops avaliable on here.
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« Reply #106 on: July 25, 2016, 01:09:41 AM »

Yes, I was emotionally immature.

I brought my own emotional issues to the relationship. I didn't understand the nature and extent of my emotional immaturity until the very end of the relationship.

At least I can work on them now.
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« Reply #107 on: July 25, 2016, 10:39:34 AM »

I would say no I was not emotionally immature.  I had been single for 10 years and working on myself so I was at my prime so to speak.

I matched up with him because I preceived his emotional responses as sound and mature.  What I didn't realize was although most would be emotional in the situations I observed, he was not.  It was "business" mode to him which he does fine with.  I didn't see much real "emotion" in the first 6 months.  Even is idealization phase wasn't emotional, it felt more like a strategic business plan.  It wasn't until I moved in that I started seeing the emotional immaturity, jealousy, rages, fears.

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« Reply #108 on: July 25, 2016, 02:30:43 PM »

Yes, I wanted the over-the-top love and passion and emotion. I loved being adored, and didn't look too closely at it. (I used to think I was pragmatic, because I believed romantic love led to misery and heartbreak. I think I was just scared of feeling too strongly for anyone.)

So yes, I wanted to believe he truly and deeply loved me and wanted to be with me, although his actions told a different story (would make and cancel plans to actually see me). I needed this amazing fantasy of tenderness and love and deep connection to feel alive and wanted. I ignored the reality of the pain and the betrayals because the good stuff was so good. I saw red flags clearly. They made me uncomfortable and often I would leave him thinking that this would never work. But the next day or the day after, I would fool myself into thinking they were not so bad or understand them away or they would lack emotional resonance (He once told me that he was capable of killing and it didn't seem to matter).

This is all emotional immaturity, yes?

  
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« Reply #109 on: July 25, 2016, 03:01:07 PM »



This is all emotional immaturity, yes?

  

you pose a good question... .What is emotional immaturity?

I'm not sure.  The first paragraph doesn't sound immature or unrealistic for relationship expectations to me.  Ignoring pain that is being caused to you... .I don't know... .not sure that is immaturity or just denial... .that comes with confusion when something doesn't feel right.  Ignoring red flags and accepting characteristics or behaviors you aren't comfortable... .maybe.

When I answered the question, I was thinking more along the lines of how we communicate and respond to our emotions.  ei: we are having a get together and I'm out on the patio talking to my mom and my ex comes out and sits down in a chair across from me.  I scoot over, pat the couch and say "want to come sit with me."  He says, "no I'm ok over here, thanks." Later to find out he was mad because I didn't give him enough eye contact that night so he refused to sit next to me.  He was retaliating rather than communicating?  I totally missed it by the way, flew right over my head.  Wasn't even thinking anything along those lines from a 59 year old man. I thought maybe the seat he was in was more comfortable on his back or something.

Good stuff to think about... .now I can re-ask myself the question,
Bunny
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« Reply #110 on: July 25, 2016, 03:06:52 PM »

What is emotional immaturity?

just for continuitys sake:

An individual's overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation.

The concept of Differentiation of Self is the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when dealing with relationships, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their decisions on that. This often manifests as unrealistic needs and expectations.  Further, they have difficulty separating  their own feelings from the feelings of others‚Ķ
<br/>:)ifferentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my relationship, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.

2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.

3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.

4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.

5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.

6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.

7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.

8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.

9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .

10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.

11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.

12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.

14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.

15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.

To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence. It means being able to calmly reflect on a conflicted interaction afterward, realizing your own role in it, and then choosing a different response for the future. Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop.

These widely accepted theory were developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940's and early 1950's, when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menninger's, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, then to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.C.

Bowen's therapy is a process of increasing one's differentiation or ability to balance automatic reactivity and subjectivity with a factual view of oneself and others.





www.bowentheoryacademy.org/6.html

www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

www.psychpage.com/learning/library/counseling/bowen.html
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« Reply #111 on: July 27, 2016, 01:46:21 PM »

sure i was. sure our respective emotional immaturity played out differently (and in many ways not so differently). we also fed into each other and fanned the dysfunctional flames, furthered the insecure attachment. not to mention my own history of unstable relationships, in which i was the common denominator.

its challenging to see our own emotional immaturity, i think, for a few reasons. its not just that we dont want to, though that may be part of it. most of us are inclined toward introspection and the idea that we can do better.

1. we stigmatize it. emotional maturity isnt fixed. we can grow. it simply means there is or was room for improvement. thats true for everyone. like knowledge or muscles, we dont start out with them. we do the best we can with what we have. that doesnt preclude being able to do better.
2. bowens theory prompts us to compare ourselves directly to our partners. its natural to push back. "youre saying i have the same emotional maturity as someone with a personality disorder?". remember the original post and our working definition of emotional maturity, it is not limited to ability to regulate emotions, where most of us would score higher than our ex partners.
3. maybe most of all because, our "ways" have worked for us, with most people, less with our exes. they feel "right".  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) greeneyedmonster mentioned that a fear of abandonment doesnt indicate emotional immaturity. thats right. how we respond to it, how we build our lives around it, certainly might.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
gotbushels
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« Reply #112 on: August 08, 2016, 10:35:31 AM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) thisagain if you're talking about the "love conquers all" belief when you describe your "soulmate" thinking, then I was right there with you.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Do you all think that emotional maturity is synonymous with awareness (conscious or subconscious) and use of the tools here? Do emotionally mature people just naturally validate, set boundaries, etc?
I think a bit of both. I recall seeing somewhere that it's a rare family that sits down and talks about beliefs at the dinner table.



 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Infern0 I think when you describe reacting instead of responding, it might help to recall that many people use quite "natural" reactions to pwBPDs dysregulating. I'd consider try be self-compassionate to yourself in this area.  Smiling (click to insert in post)



 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Narkiss Perhaps we all yearn for some degree of love and passion and emotion. I don't think that yearning is really emotional immaturity. I think when we see how this wanting fits into the whole, who we're seeking to experience it with, and we're aware of issues that come up with extreme behaviours, I think that's more a type of growth. When we're out of control and have some kind of chronic pursuit of the behaviours, then I think we move closer to a lack of maturity in this area.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Julia S
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« Reply #113 on: December 17, 2016, 01:49:35 PM »

No.
We didn't get into what the BPD friend defined as a relationship, though he treated me as if we had re his disorder traits, but really mostly in a passive way. But we were friends before, and I'd like us to be again, though realistically I doubt that's possible unless he addresses his condition and seeks treatment for it.
As I realised he had some problems - though not the extent of them - I tried to encourage him by taking responsibility, validating him, etc. I thought he was shy and feared rejection, and was scared of being hurt in a relationship, and tried to reassure him on these things because I didn't know the underlying cause, or all the other problems that would surface with it. Even if I had done, I'm not sure whether I would have tried to stay close to him anyway. When I did work out what was wrong, I still had a rather false sense of security because an online friend has it and manages it successfully. So I thought as long as I was mature and helped him with self-help exercises he'd be OK. I don't think I realised that even if I took full responsibility for myself, he wouldn't take any for himself. The difference between entering into a friendship/relationship with a recovering alcoholic or one who is permanently drunk, even if they're good at appearing sober.
Unfortunately, I suspect pwBPD see mature behaviour as a sign of weakness, and probably respect you more if you deal them back their sort of behaviour in return.
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nylonsquid
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« Reply #114 on: December 17, 2016, 04:54:17 PM »

I don't believe I was immature in the last relationship I had with pwBPD. I don't blame her, not angry at her or myself. I feel I have enough compassion to understand the situation that she cannot give me what I need because she is incapable. If I expect her to change to my liking then I'm setting myself up for more pain. I realize that I will always fluctuate to her from a perfect person to an abuser and I accept her perception of it, does not mean I share that with her. Acceptance is key.
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Aesir
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« Reply #115 on: December 17, 2016, 06:56:02 PM »

Yes, I was immature. I made the choice to allow myself to go way to fast into a full blow relationship because all the right things were being said. I *wanted* them to go fast because dating always seemed inordinately messy to me. I robbed myself of truly getting to know the ex. That said, there is a reason people date for a reasonable length of time; to vet a prospective partner and find out the little things that only come out in time. I found out those dealbreakers only after I was neck deep when I never should've put myself in that position.

It was a growing up experience that I needed to have. Dating is essential. You don't build an intimate relationship before a friendship. I robbed myself of taking that important time to develop (or not) an affinity for someone.

After I realized my mistakes and jumping in like I did, instead of leaving when it got out of control which would've been mature, I stayed. Probably some self esteem issues at work, being that at that time I'd rather have someone who was unraveling and taking me with her rather than just leave and apply the lessons I needed to learn going forward.

I was also immature with anger. I didn't break the cycle. I stayed in the little wars with her and I lost sight of the big picture. Was this healthy for me? Was this healthy for her? No on both counts. It was untenable situation. I was unhappy, her disorder was in a phugoid-like motion. Staying brought no joy to anyone. Exiting was the only option.

I know why I stayed though, I adored her daughter. I was selfless with the child, but it was immature of me to hang on and put up with dxBPDgf to be around the child. It was an unhealthy dynamic that, had I stayed longer, would've yielded more pain.

As an aside, a comment of people being drawn together because of their similar emotional maturity. Yes, dxBPDgf really made me feel like she was on my wavelength. So many similarities, so much that just felt right.  Little did I know of the idealization and mirroring phase that goes along with BPD traits. Only after that phase begun to fade and the real dxBPDgf came out, then I was in horror. Perhaps that's why their mirroring is so effective? They sell that near-perfect emotion mature connection.  It's only later you find out the devil in the details.

Rushing in through my own immaturity left me a sitting duck for a BPD type person to wedge in quickly.









Wow. I have to say most of what you said is exactly what I went through. 
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