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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I have been made to feel like a crazy stalker. I feel sick and anxious everyday  (Read 6352 times)
happiness68
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« Reply #60 on: January 17, 2013, 07:43:54 AM »

Yes, they know. I think one of the reasons my ex won't return is because he thinks how could he (I think the same myself in a certain way) after all he's done, in particular how he treated me during the 3 weeks I was trying to sort things out, but he just let things get too far.  How can anyone take all that hurt back?  I know we would forgive, because we offer unconditional love and know how to forgive.  This is one of our blessings.  Forgive them and forgive ourselves.  That's what we have to do to move forward.  I've forgiven him, I forgave him so quickly.  I am now forgiving me.  It's hard, but I'll get there... .  
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elemental
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« Reply #61 on: January 17, 2013, 07:11:30 PM »

she probably does think of you.

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Sparkley
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« Reply #62 on: January 17, 2013, 08:05:52 PM »

You've received some great feedback on this post  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

One question I noticed that you continue to ask is what happens if you run into her?

I have to advise that therapy will probably help you tremendously in this area.  There are techniques that a therapist can work with you on regarding traumatic responses, anxiety, fear, or even if you have a strong desire to try to reconnect or talk to your ex in that moment. 

My ex has stalked me well over 20 years.  In the first years, we were very young, high school, and the lies she told classmates were awful and I was threatened on a few occasions by male boyfriends of hers.  They would tell me I was stalking her, following her, looking at her.  All of these things were very untrue(actually, she was the one doing this) but at the time I had very little support and I was so young, afraid, naive... .  I almost started to doubt if I was or was not stalking her only because I was ruminating about our past, missed her very much, and grieving and I felt so guilty for ruminating about our "good times" that my self-esteem went to pot and I became very depressed.  I had very little insight into my own self, her, what a healthy or unhealthy relationship was.  I had dissociated with many of my childhood friends, friends who questioned my behaviors, I was so ashamed and hurt--hurt that they'd even imply or question my behaviors when they had known me since childhood and given that I didn't even do these things.  It was like a nightmare... .  I didn't understand how people could not see what this girl was doing.  I got through HS by making new friends, keeping to myself, and keeping busy. 

Fast forward to recent years.  Lots of anxiety even up to about a year ago about her being around me.  Same fears that she'd make stuff up and call the police, or talk to adults I socialize with and spread lies... .  

It finally just took me understanding that I was giving her control over me.  And what I wanted the most was ME back.  I didn't want to live in fear, with anxiety, or ruminating about the next run-in.  It took me realizing that I can only control me.  If she smears me to someone, I have no control of it.  All I can be is me.  If she were to call the police or someone were to threaten me like in the past, I'd say I'm perfectly okay.  I don't stalk her, I don't follow her, and if someone threatened me, I'd report it, too.  No more being a victim and giving up my precious thoughts and fears on what-if's.  She still does crazy things and I still get a "freeze" or fright and flight response(sometimes I don't have any physical reaction) but I have ways of coping now that help me debrief and move forward.

Years ago, Tony C gave me great advice in regards to your same question.  Picture a horse race.  Horses wear those blinders so they can only see the finish line, can't see what the other horse beside him is doing.  Put on those blinders when you go out.  If you see her, you have those blinders on and accomplish the task you were set on doing.  If you're at the library picking up a book and she is in there, you have on your blinders.  No need to say hi, no need to look... .  you're picking up your book and leaving.  If you're in a bar with some friends and she is there, probably a good time to leave but keep those blinders on while you do.  Practice wearing your blinders with strangers. 

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Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
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« Reply #63 on: January 18, 2013, 12:11:25 AM »

Thank you sparkly...

Did you ever have an overwhelming desire to expose your ex?

I do understand the control thing but then I soo want her found out! I want others to know she lies about rape/abuse/stalking!

I want her world ripped apart by this because of the awful crap she says ab innocent ppl!



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Suzn
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« Reply #64 on: January 18, 2013, 07:10:29 AM »

I do understand the control thing but then I soo want her found out! I want others to know she lies about rape/abuse/stalking!

I want her world ripped apart by this because of the awful crap she says ab innocent ppl!

Diana her world IS ripped apart. It may seem all together on the outside but one at a time people are seeing it. You are one of those people, her ex before you is another one of those people. There ARE other people she struggles with. You are just not privy to that information, you are focused on what she did to you, but if you remember, she told you about these people. Think about it.

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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
FoolishOne
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« Reply #65 on: January 18, 2013, 07:20:56 AM »

I can relate Diana82... .  my BPDw is holding herself out to be the model Christian.  Quoting scripture left and right.  I know exactly who and what she is and would love to spill the beans... .  but I ask myself to what end?  I fear it would be more selfish reasons than any other.  I agree with Suzn that my BPDw's life is chaos already.  Her world is a disaster and will always be so.  She may give the appearance that all is well now that I will be out of her life, but I know that her baggage follows here wherever she may go... .  and she will continue to leave a trail of human wreakage behind her... .  

F1
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Sparkley
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« Reply #66 on: January 18, 2013, 07:26:11 AM »

No, not really.  When I was young, I would say I had a very codependent/protective view of how I should react.  And a religious belief to treat people how I wanted to be treated.  TBH, hurting her would probably have hurt me spiritually and even at 14/15, I knew I couldn't take any more pain.

With that said, I've often wondered who has figured her out.  There were times after the second relationship that I very briefly wished that she had to stand in front of the world and look at the the horrible things she had done to me--I wanted her to be held accountable.  

But again, it comes back to the only person that I can control is me.  Even if your ex was tried and convicted, so to speak, with friends and peers, it's not going to change her, she isn't going to have a  Idea go off... she's disordered, insane.  It doesn't go away.

Your post is titled that you feel like a stalker and this makes you feel sick and anxious.  Yet you have had NC for 3 months.  My question is... .  do you feel like it was more HER choice for NC and therefore your power in the NC has been taken from you?  What does ruminating mean to you?  

I really think a therapist could help you with reframing your thoughts and focusing on you.  :)o you think you deserve to find peace and happiness within yourself?

Best regards
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Newton
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« Reply #67 on: January 18, 2013, 07:30:36 AM »

Diana... .  I can empathize with wanting to "expose" her... .  I have enough info of lies and deceit to put an ex of mine in jail... .  

My feelings that would motivate that behaviour are anger, jealousy, punishment, resentment... .  not healthy at all.

Following through with that retribution would put me in the "persecutor" role on the drama triangle... .  I decided to back away from it all together... .  

Exploring WHY you want to expose her is the key to you finding peace... .  

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FoolishOne
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« Reply #68 on: January 18, 2013, 08:18:26 AM »

Amen Newton, Amen.
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Surnia
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« Reply #69 on: January 18, 2013, 09:48:26 AM »



Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.
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