EXIT PLAN - leaving tomorrow. Advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I have come to my breaking point, and I will leave tomorrow.  After a nasty and drunken rage two weekends ago, I left and stayed with my parents for two nights.  First time I've ever left in all our marriage though we've been in separate rooms for nearly 4 months.  I returned to a pile of all my personal things from master room, along with any and all framed or otherwise pics of "us" on my guest bed.  

The past week has been surprisingly calm but tense.  He is drinking a lot and got paid so has replenished his marijuana supply.  I have found out he is bashing me to others (I am surprisingly ok with that- whatever!) and has informed my family via email that I am mentally unstable and they need to take care of me (!).  He became paranoid/delusional during this rage, telling me he plans to buy a huge gun this month (he is anti-gun) for his own protection from me.  When I asked if he meant that, he said he sincerely feels I'm so unstable (?) that he 100% believes I may be trying to poison or kill him.  Wow.  Hard to even type that one out.  He is not the man I married (well, you all know what I mean... .  things sure change when you are painted black).

There's more, but that's enough.  We have a joint mortgage and many happy memories (way more good than bad) at our home, which we love. The r/s has obviously disintegrated beyond hope, and I have been detaching for several months.   My T told me after this last rage that it is time to go, and I know he is right.  I am fortunate to have family close, so that I can stay rent free and still split mortgage until our house sells.  

My exit plan - please comment - have I covered my bases?  Any feedback on pets would be appreciated

-We have two pets (no kids), so we are both VERY attached.  I plan to take one tomorrow.  Since we've separated, one pet has slept in my bed every night; the other in his.  However, the one currently attached to me has been his special buddy.

-I plan to leave work early and leave before he returns from work.

-Once I'm safely at my parents, I plan to email him.

-I want to convey the following

• I feel my leaving will relieve stress and anxiety for both of us
  
  -I intend to split our mortgage and utilities until house sells
  
  -I feel it's fair for each to have one pet -pets will have to adjust to new enviroment soon anyway.  If he prefers to have other pet, we can trade (My T told me I even need to be able to walk away from pets, but these are like children.  I want one)
  
  -I know it's stressful for BOTH of us to be in house together, so it makes sense for me to go, as I have family here.
  
  -I will return to the house to pack and help prepare house for sale. I will alway call before coming to house.
  
  -He is welcome to visit pet I take - call first.
  
  -We have discussed no-fault divorce.  I want to say that I still support that and feel

we can amicably split our belongings, but that I have contacted an attorney and am prepared to go that route if he prefers.  

I intend to mainly take clothes, work stuff, etc., as I will be staying in a guest room for a few months until house sells.  I will pack up furniture at that time.  If I forget anything essential, I will return to house to get it (letting him know first).

What paperwork do I need to grab?  I'm not the most organized... .  (can you say exhausted and frazzled?)

**Pets- Should I go alone tomorrow and send email asking which pet he prefers to defuse rage as much as possible?  I am unsure how he'll react. Or, should I take pet as planned and tell him I will switch if he wants?  Need advice on this -pets are dear to us both.

**Note - we work together though it's a big place, and we do not see each other often at work.  Still, we have joint co-workers, etc. and am worried he will come unglued at work.  My close friends at work (3) know I'm leaving tomorrow.

**Computer- he uses one now, and I use the other.  However, we both have material on both - at some point, I want to get what I have on his and think he'd want what's his on mine.  I do not have time to do all that before I leave.  We have some naked pics of us - a little worried about those (on his computer).

Tonight is hard.  It will be the last night I spend in my home.  I have loved our 2 acre yard with gardens, our blue birds and hummingbirds, our pets frolicking in the yard, reading on the porch, and watching sunset over the treeline in the back yard.  We have fixed up our cottage together, and it has been HOME for a long time.  I will be distracting myself by organizing and packing soon.  I am sad, but I know it is the right decision.

I would appreciate any wisdom or advice you may have.  Thank you!

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

I have come to my breaking point, and I will leave tomorrow.  After a nasty and drunken rage two weekends ago, I left and stayed with my parents for two nights.  First time I've ever left in all our marriage though we've been in separate rooms for nearly 4 months.  I returned to a pile of all my personal things from master room, along with any and all framed or otherwise pics of "us" on my guest bed.  

The past week has been surprisingly calm but tense.  He is drinking a lot and got paid so has replenished his marijuana supply.  I have found out he is bashing me to others (I am surprisingly ok with that- whatever!) and has informed my family via email that I am mentally unstable and they need to take care of me (!).  He became paranoid/delusional during this rage, telling me he plans to buy a huge gun this month (he is anti-gun) for his own protection from me.  When I asked if he meant that, he said he sincerely feels I'm so unstable (?) that he 100% believes I may be trying to poison or kill him.  Wow.  Hard to even type that one out.  He is not the man I married (well, you all know what I mean... .  things sure change when you are painted black).

There's more, but that's enough.  We have a joint mortgage and many happy memories (way more good than bad) at our home, which we love. The r/s has obviously disintegrated beyond hope, and I have been detaching for several months.   My T told me after this last rage that it is time to go, and I know he is right.  I am fortunate to have family close, so that I can stay rent free and still split mortgage until our house sells.  

My exit plan - please comment - have I covered my bases?  Any feedback on pets would be appreciated

-We have two pets (no kids), so we are both VERY attached.  I plan to take one tomorrow.  Since we've separated, one pet has slept in my bed every night; the other in his.  However, the one currently attached to me has been his special buddy.

-I plan to leave work early and leave before he returns from work.

-Once I'm safely at my parents, I plan to email him.

-I want to convey the following

• I feel my leaving will relieve stress and anxiety for both of us
  
  -I intend to split our mortgage and utilities until house sells
  
  -I feel it's fair for each to have one pet -pets will have to adjust to new enviroment soon anyway.  If he prefers to have other pet, we can trade (My T told me I even need to be able to walk away from pets, but these are like children.  I want one)
  
  -I know it's stressful for BOTH of us to be in house together, so it makes sense for me to go, as I have family here.
  
  -I will return to the house to pack and help prepare house for sale. I will alway call before coming to house.
  
  -He is welcome to visit pet I take - call first.
  
  -We have discussed no-fault divorce.  I want to say that I still support that and feel

we can amicably split our belongings, but that I have contacted an attorney and am prepared to go that route if he prefers.  

I intend to mainly take clothes, work stuff, etc., as I will be staying in a guest room for a few months until house sells.  I will pack up furniture at that time.  If I forget anything essential, I will return to house to get it (letting him know first).

What paperwork do I need to grab?  I'm not the most organized... .  (can you say exhausted and frazzled?)

**Pets- Should I go alone tomorrow and send email asking which pet he prefers to defuse rage as much as possible?  I am unsure how he'll react. Or, should I take pet as planned and tell him I will switch if he wants?  Need advice on this -pets are dear to us both.

**Note - we work together though it's a big place, and we do not see each other often at work.  Still, we have joint co-workers, etc. and am worried he will come unglued at work.  My close friends at work (3) know I'm leaving tomorrow.

**Computer- he uses one now, and I use the other.  However, we both have material on both - at some point, I want to get what I have on his and think he'd want what's his on mine.  I do not have time to do all that before I leave.  We have some naked pics of us - a little worried about those (on his computer).

Tonight is hard.  It will be the last night I spend in my home.  I have loved our 2 acre yard with gardens, our blue birds and hummingbirds, our pets frolicking in the yard, reading on the porch, and watching sunset over the treeline in the back yard.  We have fixed up our cottage together, and it has been HOME for a long time.  I will be distracting myself by organizing and packing soon.  I am sad, but I know it is the right decision.

I would appreciate any wisdom or advice you may have.  Thank you!

[OTH]

Good God. Delete the pics. Make time. Take the dog. Bring help. Don't worry about it so much. It is going to be difficult but you'll get through it. Bound to be some drama next few weeks. Keep family close. Good luck!

[atcrossroads]

Wow... .  the pics.  Maybe I need to call in sick to work.  He always leaves before me and won't even know.  And just take the animal?  Don't want him rampaging over there to get him back... .  but, yes, I do want him and think it's fair to each get one.

What other paperwork type stuff?

[OTH]

Yes. Mental health day for sure. Take the pet. Yes might blow up. Not your problem. If he comes over call police. Car title of your vehicle for sure. What do you have like that, that you can't get online?

[atcrossroads]

Yes. Mental health day for sure. Take the pet. Yes might blow up. Not your problem. If he comes over call police. Car title of your vehicle for sure. What do you have like that, that you can't get online?

Ok, I just put in for leave (sick day) and am revising my plans.  I can't get it all together with him here tonight - he will be too suspicious.  So, now I have tomorrow.  I will get up at regular time and get ready for work so he won't suspect (he leaves first).  He doesn't see me at work, so that won't be a problem unless someone offhandedly mentions it - hey, where's __ today?  Is __ sick?  Everyone talks, and 95% of our co-workers have no clue what is going on (around 80 or so employees - we've both there for years).  I hope no one foils the plan, which would cause him to come home and see what's up.  

I'm revising/modifying my list

-take pet for sure

-my car title (didn't even think of that)

-w2's, all financial info

-look in our office files - I think my birth certificate is in there

-personal photos (I have boxes - didn't think of those)

-delete necessary pics and save what pics music I can from his computer

What else... .  ?

Thank you so much for helping me to focus.  Can't believe I though I could go to work and swing this!

[charred]

Forward your bills... anything to pay them, make sure you have. I didn't when I moved out and soon to be exwife said she was taking care of it, cleaned out accounts didn't pay my bills, by time I knew of it my credit rating took a nose dive. Also phone numbers of everyone you know... .  pictures (family and otherwise)... insurance paperwork.

[charred]

80 employee place... .  if he is BPD... .  work may well be an issue, would it be hard to work elsewhere if issues arise? Is your boss someone you can tell/warn without it causing your pwBPD an issue?

[atcrossroads]

Forward your bills... anything to pay them, make sure you have. I didn't when I moved out and soon to be exwife said she was taking care of it, cleaned out accounts didn't pay my bills, by time I knew of it my credit rating took a nose dive. Also phone numbers of everyone you know... .  pictures (family and otherwise)... insurance paperwork.

Thank you!  Thankfully, I have always done finances until this past summer when we finally split (mainly over his marijuana spending). Most of our bills are online and up to date.  We have even split credit onto our own separate cards.  Note to self - change ALL my credit card passwords and take him off them!  We have shared mortgage and utilities paid from a joint account, which I will continue to pay until house sells (not even on market).

Thank you!

[atcrossroads]

80 employee place... .  if he is BPD... .  work may well be an issue, would it be hard to work elsewhere if issues arise? Is your boss someone you can tell/warn without it causing your pwBPD an issue?

Not ideal for sure.  I have been there 20 years and have very, very good friends and support there.  He has a little support from co-workers, mainly from those who are negative like he is.  I am not worried about being smeared because I know I am respected there.  He is too for what he does, but he is also viewed as being quick to react, etc. - he's had some work conflicts, so I am seen as more stable.  I actually applied for a different job last year in anticipation of this but didn't get it.

Ironically, he won't seem to leave, yet HATES his job.  I am very happy there.  I will have some drama there for sure, but I have many in my corner. 

But, dang, I need to clear those pics off his computer!  That could be bad if he goes vindictive which he has told me many times he plans to do (in rages... .  not sure if he will).

[charred]

A joint account means either of you can drain it or overspend it... .  you are going to need to deal with that as well... direct deposit could be an issue if it pays in... just think it out... I would have separate accounts asap... maybe talk to your bank about what to do?

[atcrossroads]

A joint account means either of you can drain it or overspend it... .  you are going to need to deal with that as well... direct deposit could be an issue if it pays in... just think it out... I would have separate accounts asap... maybe talk to your bank about what to do?

You just brought up a great point.  When we began living together years ago his finances were a mess (surprise).  I had some savings and was fine, as I'm naturally frugal.  We added his name to MY account and I took over paying all bills.  Both our paychecks are autodeposited.  When we split this summer, the JOINT account is only for mortgage and utilities - we both have access to it BUT YES, IT'S IN MY NAME!  We each now have separate accounts and don't know each other's passwords.  When we set up like this, I left his name on JOINT account, but I need to take it off.

He still has a credit card attached and something else weird (some insurance I never heard of) that gets pulled from joint account.  I informed him and he added some money this month. He is always pretty broke from spending on his priority -marijuana.

wish we had split $ long ago.

[atcrossroads]

Adding to my list... .  

[gina louise]

passport, car registration,

copy of last years taxes, if you have it

marriage certificate, birth certificate, personal photos, books, mementos

anything like Ins papers/medical/dental benefits paperwork ( Life/car/home... .  etc)

copies of his pay stubs/ contracts- as well as yours.

re mortgage and bills-how will you make sure he pays his half? NEVER ASSUME that he will do as he says.

get a moving company to help pack up the house stuff before you list it for sale or take (male) family members with you. never go alone.

good luck and god bless,

GL

[OTH]

Lol. Honestly that always amazes me. Almost everyone does it. Schedule your departure from an abusive marriage around your work schedule! If that doesn't require a day off! Maybe that says something about us too. Overly responsible not focused on self care.

Oh well. Good advice from others... Get some help. Have them pack and carry. You direct, think, and Delete.

[atcrossroads]

Lol. Honestly that always amazes me. Almost everyone does it. Schedule your departure from an abusive marriage around your work schedule! If that doesn't require a day off! Maybe that says something about us too. Overly responsible not focused on self care.

Oh well. Good advice from others... Get some help. Have them pack and carry. You direct, think, and Delete.

Yes, OTC.  You are right.  I am so fried right now... .  I know I need to go, and tomorrow is the day, but I am not all together with the logistics, that's for sure.

THANK YOU ALL!

I can come back to house later and bring someone with me if I forget anything major.

Thank you!

[josiejo61]

Adding to my list... .  

take photos of anything you cannot move tomorrow.  Having a friend or family member with you tomorrow too would be good.  That way if he does get wind of you missing work--you are not there alone.

[OTH]

Thanks. I was thinking but never stated it. And hey... .  they can take a day off too. 

Adding to my list... .  

take photos of anything you cannot move tomorrow.  Having a friend or family member with you tomorrow too would be good.  That way if he does get wind of you missing work--you are not there alone.

[rogerroger]

Lol. Honestly that always amazes me. Almost everyone does it. Schedule your departure from an abusive marriage around your work schedule! If that doesn't require a day off! Maybe that says something about us too.

Quite! I'm not sure which is worse -- that we schedule this around work, or that this isn't the kind of thing that many would count as a legitimate reason to miss work?

[Surnia]

I will keep my fingers crossed, that all goes well! 

Keep us posted!

[GreenMango]

ACR you asked some really good questions even for being frazzled.  You also sound determined.  Hoping for the easiest possible transition in a difficult time for you.

[Clearmind]

Pictures of furniture, possessions you cannot take tomorrow, of things you will need  to negotiate on later perhaps - records are important.

[myself]

Personal stuff that can't be duplicated: Childhood teddy bear, scrapbooks, etc.

You're already making sure to take what's most important--- Yourself.

No longer at the crossroads. Best wishes!

[atcrossroads]

He just departed for work.

Frankly, I'm a little misty-eyed reading all the responses from last night and the new ones I just saw.  The support, and of course, the ADVICE, mean the world!   

So, I may be a wee bit paranoid, but I thought he seemed a tad suspicious.  I woke up late, showered as usual, started running around rushing (all my normal routine).

Then, I went to mix my instant coffee (I know, bleh).  He always makes coffee night before and one of his biggest claims for years has been how I contribute NOTHING/ZERO/NADA to the marriage.  He does everything.  He even included in his email to my family how he has done all (he wrote a list, including how he has always had to prepare all his own meals - then the same day he put on fb how he has lost tons of weight- implying I'm not feeding him... .  ?).  I have ALWAYS done groceries and food, but when we split $,he irrationally insisted on no joint groceries - "housemate" (his words) style.  Since summer, I have eaten well, and he eats crackers or frozen pizzas.  On occasion he will eat food offered, until 2-3 weeks ago, when I offered him a bowl of pot roast and he said, "I don't want that. It probably has antifreeze in it."  Later his fear of me killing him came up a couple more times - he meant it.

Anyway, around that time he began to make a small amount of coffee and pour it in carafe for himself.  He told me to "make my own coffee" (as though my life depended on him making me coffee and now look what I'm missing).  I am always rushed in morning, so said screw that and have been making a cup of instant (whatever - I don't care anymore).  And he enjoys his carafe.  In an sad way, I have found it rather amusing.

This morning... .  he made a FULL pot of coffee?  What the heck?  Does he suspect?  I don't know.  But, I've had my "instant" and am now fully awake and every nerve is wired. 

Up to the attic for the storage crates I go... .  

Thank you for all the wishes and advices.  I will update tonight.

*I will likely check this thread later too for stamina/motivation and to make sure I have covered the list.  So any other suggestions are welcome.  I will be photographing everything I leave and doing my darnedest to get everything off his computer and get paperwork.  Those are priorities.

[charred]

Seems like this topic should be given further thought, and made a sticky topic... .  others no doubt face the same issues, and there is some great advice here.

[atcrossroads]

Good idea, Charred.  Even though he has never laid a hand on me, moving out is a terrifying experience.  Who knows what he could do.

So, I'm at my folks' - I rushed and left just before his lunch break, knowing he sometimes comes home during that time.  I did not take cat and am not finished  - still need to get some things, the pet, and take pictures.

On my way, I pass him coming opposite way on highway!  This is maybe 10 min into his lunch break and he was heading back toward where we work/live area.  I do not know if he saw me! 

I have emailed friends at work to check if he is there... .  waiting to hear back.  I will not go back to the house if he is not at work.  I AM WONDERING IF HE TOOK DAY OFF TOO AND ALSO "ACTED" LIKE HE WAS GOING TO WORK?

[Changed4safety]

I did this in May when my exBPDbf was out of town.  You sound strong and determined.  Do not let paranoia get to you but at the same time, if he's a rager, you need to take smart precautions, which is what you are doing!  Please do have someone with you if at all possible or arrange for someone to check in with you regularly.   

I will be sending you love and prayers and holding you in my thoughts today.  You are cared for and of value!  Post when you can to keep us updated.  BE SAFE and stay smart!   

[atcrossroads]

Thank you!  I was just informed he is indeed at work, so I am heading back to get pet and few more items... .  plan to be gone when he gets back.  We get off work at early - around 3.

I have LOTS of people texting and checking on me... .  about 5 friends at work now know and my brother is coming over here after he gets off.

Thanks!

[atcrossroads]

I'm out.  At my parents' house, and my brother is coming to check on me in about an hour, and a friend is coming over later with dinner (parents are out of town).  I took lots of pictures, got one pet, other got outside -- upsetting, but he is indoor/outdoor, so I'm trying not to worry.

I'm on hold to talk to psych he sees  - not for any talk therapy just to adjust his antidepressants.  I really don't have a clue if she knows anything at all about what is going on. 

My anxiety level is through the rough, and the floodgates opened as soon as I carried my animal into the house.   :'(

*psych is not allowed to talk to me, but I just told her that I left, wasn't sure if he knew yet, and that I am concerned about him. 

[trouble11]

Good for you!  Glad everyone here was able to help.  Are you going to be alone there tonight?  When do your parents get back? 

[Clearmind]

Hugs! I'd imagine this is all bitter sweet. I felt relief when we separated and also a great deal of sadness. It's all natural and normal to feel all these opposing emotions.

I am pleased you are with your family. I do hope you are able to talk to them about all this.

Are you planning to see your therapist/a therapist?