What were Your first warning signs

[nolisan]

I am four months out of a 1 year r/s with a "BPD" ... .  no contact one day at a time. I have reflected on the early days and signs that I ignored.

1a. Unloving mother

1b. Childhood sex abuse by uncle or stepdad

2. Complex PTSD (I didn't think to much about this because I have PTSD - in fact it attracted me to her "birds of a feather". cPTSD and BPD have similar manifestations.

3. These facts were shared very early in our dating.

4. A ten day "time out" when I made a small mistake. Wasted a pair of tickets to her favorite play. This was in the first month. (the time outs would be a recurring theme - all via email btw)

What things did you see early on?

[GreenMango]

The paranoia/persecution stories and frequent changes in attitude towards other "close" people.  One week love them, the next hate them.  I didn't really get that this was part of a larger problem.

Noli-San... .  needless to say I learned a lot from this experience.  It changed a lot of the way I look at a partnership or relationship. 

Has it changed things for you too?

[daintrovert13]

acting weird on first date.

carving wrist.

compulsive lying.

faking ailments.

alter ego.

obsession with picking face for hours.

punching walls. acting like a baby.

morbid jealousy.


Never overlook signs PD for the sake of stunning beauty and body or idealization.

She still was a very sweet romantic girl though and I grew to love her... but BPD took over and I got dropped.  :'(

[almost789]

Mine didnt rage outwardly or any of the obvious stuff. My first sign was the irratic behavior. One day he wants constant contact, all day everyday. Hes cheerful happy upbeat... .  ect. The next hes empty cold, distant robotic for no apparent reason, no arguements or disagreement just a complete switch in personality. Then back again to constant contact, happy, upbeat... .  and repeat, repeat, repeat. Another sign was these ridiculous lies. Lying about the silliest things and making up elaborate lies for no reason.

So... .  1. Polarized behavior

        2. Lying

[asher2]

Since we broke up and been NC, I've been working on myself considerably, trying to get myself as "best" as I can for not only me, but future relationships. This topic is certianly something I've reflected on so as not to make the same mistakes in the future. Some of the warning signs I encountered were:

1) She'd go "missing" on me for a day or two when we first started seeing each other. I initially thought she was playing "hard to get" but I now know that she had other guys she was keeping in her hopper. Although these "missing" episodes did lesson as we dated, they still occured occasionally thoughout our relationship. Why I put up with that, I'll never know. Never again for sure!

2) On our third date, she started crying out-of-the-blue because she told me she wasn't the same religion as me. I told her it wasn't a big deal, it was only our third date. I found it odd that she was so concerned about figuring out religion and how that plays into our relationship on date number three (to the point of massive, prolonged crying). Looking back, her abandoment fears were probably already kicking in.

3) Telling me about inappropriate relationships she had in the past with other men. Affairs with married men, engaged men, other's boyfriends, etc. I remember when I questioned her about why she had these affairs she said she felt bad but, "They are the ones who were involved with other people... .  they are the ones who should feel the worst." Facepalm. Classic example of not understanding or respecting boundaries. Major red flag.

4) Bascially moving in to my place after about two weeeks of dating and talking about marriage and having kids. I didn't realize it at the time, but our relationship moved at a very unhealthy pace. As was the case for most of us, the pace is initally very intoxicating and feels wonderful. I was put on a pedistal unlike anything I have ever expereinced. I've now learned that relationships need to progress and develop over time naturally. Cutting corners in this regard leads to bad news later down the road.

Daintrover13... .  I had to laugh at the "obsession with picking face for hours" that you had on your list. Mine did that to me ALL THE TIME. Again, for life of me, looking back, I don't know why I allowed her to do this. It annoyed the hell out of me, yet I let her do it. Although I'm not sure this is something that is indicitave of BPD behavior, I had to laugh because I could relate!

[trevjim]

I was oblivious to it at the start, when I first started dating her, she was trying to get her baby back from social services (the child's dad/her ex was abusive to her and the baby) and that was obviously an incredibly stressfull to anyone, let alone a 19 year old girl. so when she showed anything that I would now relate to BPD I would just put it down to the situation ( I guess the stress of it bought out her BPD more)

[KellyO]

I overlooked myriad   from the first day, but I overlooked two big. First one was him starting sulking for me because I spoke to him when he watched TV and I was on the computer. We had known eachother maybe two weeks. My apartment was very small, so we were next to each other. I did not understand he was punishing me... .  and there was that first sign of control. He made it very clear I have no business to talk to him if he is watching TV. Period. Second was not much after that, and this one was a test I overlooked. One morning I said to him " Hun, if you eat a banana, it would be really nice if you would put the skins in the bin and not leave them on the table". What happened was hours of rage, yelling, name calling, him shaking and walking around like a madman, he threw my apartment key at my face... .  and that was a beginning of my nightmare. I told him if he was so unhappy with me that he has to behave like that, there is the door, he is free to go. It made things  spin to hell so fast I couldn't believe the situation. I knew I should leave him right away, I'm not THAT stupid. But I did not want to, because I was so much in love, and I believed an adult man can learn to handle himself. Little did I know  

[bpdoe]

I did not understand he was punishing me... .  and there was that first sign of control. He made it very clear I have no business to talk to him if he is watching TV. Period.

I got the not talking while she was watching TV one. On the opposite side, if I was watching TV and she wanted to talk to me, I'd better listen to her or rage on.

Of course, I allowed it to keep the peace thinking I was doing the right thing... .  







oops.

[coffee shop]

I didn't notice at first but can see it now, he had nothing good to say about anyone, he had old friends & family we would go see, but first he would tell me all these negative things about them. It was like he had to make sure I didn't want to trust them or get close to them. Soon he was telling me all kinds of things about my friends and family.

Several months after we were dating seriously, my mother became ill and was set up with hospice. During this time he was very distant, when I would ask him about this he would say that he was allowing me to have undistracted time with my Mom. I thought it was strange that he didn't give me any personal support but he convinced me that how he was handling it was the best for me. Now I realize he had no empathy and so he wasn't thinking of my feelings at all. After the memorial service he again put down all of my family that he had not met before and convinced me that they really didn't care for my Mom because they weren't there before she died, even though that is how he was at the same time. But of course the way he behaved was the right way and even though others did the same thing, they were wrong.

I can see a lot of these patterns developed even in the first few months of our relationship. By the end of the 6 year marriage. After we were married he imed. started showing me how pathetic I was and how important everything he did was and how insignificant what I did was. later he would tell me how I would rage every 3 months and that I told him that I had mental problems and a drinking problem, even though I didn't do anything of these things. If I denied this he would start raging at me and this would last for hours. After a while I learned he was telling others that I had all the problems that really he had.

[paul16]

Ran into what used to be her BFF at a theater. She made up some story about why they weren't speaking (later found out that it was far from the truth) and wouldn't even go up to her and say hi.

Her substance abuse and new found promiscuity were red flags but I didn't attribute that to BPD until later. She also had numerous financial and legal problems. They were all caused by somebody else (ex's mostly).

[Sunshinegirl3275]

One of my biggest regrets is that I kept recycling and overlooking the red flags. I guess you live and learn.

Here's my list:

1. When we first met he had numerous women in his life that he spoke to often. I felt like he idealized me to my face and painted me black to these women (and later I found out he told one of them intimate details that completely crushed me for a while)

2. He often said every other woman in his life abandoned him and I was his soul mate. This is a HUGE red flag.

3.Not one of my friends liked him and I lost friends because of him.

4. He turned everything around - made me feel like I was the jealous one and often times early in the relationship I felt like I was going crazy. He was soo good at blaming me and making me feel guilty. This is called gaslighting.

5. The relationship moved at warp speed. He couldn't get enough of me and wanted me 24/7.

6. He made bad decisions and blamed everyone else.

7. He would act like a two year old when he didn't get his way.

[coffee shop]

Sunshine, I just had to laugh when I read the last on your list. My ex even had the toddler pout down, he crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his lower lip! I had forgot then one. LOL!

[trouble11]

I never had a chance to see them as we started as long distance while he was supposedly in the divorce process.  We had gone to high school together and dated briefly back then.  The only clue I might have gotten would have been from the amount of time we spent on the phone.  I missed that one because after all ... .  we didn't get to see each other so longer than normal phone calls seemed normal under the circumstances.   His dad left when he was 4 and had just had open heart surgery to repair a whole in his heart.  Now that I think of it ... .  pretty sure that surgery was unsuccessful.     He was also sexually assaulted by an older neighbor as a child.  I got that these things could screw someone up, but had no clue about BPD.  I thought PTSD at worst. HA   By the time the weirdness started ... .  1.5 years later, I had torn my world apart and moved back to my home town.  Which isn't really home anymore.  I think if I had lived here I would have maybe seen more, but long distance they can keep it up forever.

[Dave44]

How stupid is this post gonna make me look?

- Brought her oldest daughter on our first date.

- 2 kids from 2 different men and an abortion from a 3rd

- 37 years old with not a thing to show for herself. Even after filing for bankruptcy 2 years                  prior for being over $72,000 in debt.

- Having me over at her house with her kids after our 3rd date in as many days.

- Openly admiting on our first date she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months in the past 10 years.

- Her oldest daughter (8) telling her friends at school that she was gonna have a new dad... .  2 weeks into dating her mom.

- All previous bf's were all "losers".

- A month and a half after dating was my birthday and she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back she had her name, her 2 kids and mine engraved on it!

- Never had a stable career of any sort.

And those are just a few... .  did I mention she was really hot?

[trevjim]

-Before we even dated, she kissed me whilst in a R/S (we worked together) told me she wants a baby but her BF doesnt, a few months later she is pregnant (I found out after we broke up she stopped taking the pill and didnt tell him)

-Had child at the time in foster care (has him back now) due to the dad beating her through out theyr R/S and put the child in hospital. (unsure how much was made up/exagerrated by her)

-Hadnt spoken to her real dad and step mum in many years, all i heard was bad things about them (when i finaly met them, they are lovely and have done alot for her even though she is ungrateful)

-Told me on our first date we would be having sex in no time (that hooked me in!)

- After a couple of dates told me she felt like she was in a dream and didnt think she would find love again until dating me

-Used to have tantrums

-Bad mouthed her friends and family to me, even though they did and had done so much for her.

-Threatened suicide a few times because of the social services/court situation.

At first I put this down to her horrible situation with her child, now im not so sure

[trouble11]

Hey Dave ... .  Isn't there a song about marrying an ugly girl? 

Chorus: If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small, And very often causes his downfall. As soon as he marries her, then she starts, To do the things that will break his heart.

But if you make an ugly woman your wife, You'll be happy for the rest of your life. An ugly woman cooks meals all the time, She'll always give you peace of mind.

HARRY BELAFONTE - GET AN UGLY GIRL TO MARRY YOU

PS  You're not stupid ... .  well ... .  no stupider than me. 

[trevjim]

Hey Dave ... .  Isn't there a song about marrying an ugly girl? 

Chorus: If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small, And very often causes his downfall. As soon as he marries her, then she starts, To do the things that will break his heart.

But if you make an ugly woman your wife, You'll be happy for the rest of your life. An ugly woman cooks meals all the time, She'll always give you peace of mind.

HARRY BELAFONTE - GET AN UGLY GIRL TO MARRY YOU

PS  You're not stupid ... .  well ... .  no stupider than me. 

Without being sexist, their is probably some truth in that, the thought that my ex could of got anyone at the click of her fingers, and she did on some occasions, really put alot of stress on me

[trouble11]

I get that trev ... .  the funny thing is my exBPDfb isn't particularly good looking.  We had dating in high school and that added to the connection.  He does great at finding somewhat attractive replacements because he is a cop.  Guess the uniform covers up a WHOLE LOT of ugly.   

[stevenq]

extreme jealousy/possesiveness

talked about moving in after 2months

tried to get me to change my hairstyle, the way i dress, what to eat

being very clingy

told me she liked "the attention" i gave her

always paranoid that i would leave her

[daintrovert13]

extreme jealousy/possesiveness

talked about moving in after 2months

tried to get me to change my hairstyle, the way i dress, what to eat

being very clingy

told me she liked "the attention" i gave her

always paranoid that i would leave her

Try moving in WITHOUT talking about it.

She just brought more and more items in each time she came to visit me. *shakin' my head*

[SarahinMA]

-Extreme jealousy

-Extreme road rage

-Self-deprication

-Would talk crap about EVERYONE (and meanly)- why did I ignore this?

-Mama's Boy- his mother called every day, sometimes multiple times a day

-Would mention painful memories from his past and when I would probe him about these, he would close up (after a year of dating)

-Refused to go to the doctor, yet complained often about ailments

-Held major grudges

-Extreme stoicism- loved that people couldn't read him even when he was EXTREMELY angry

-Would never comfort me when I was upset- he would just close up and withdraw- silent treatment, yet would also cry with me. 

-He would get drunk and pick fights with me and then withdraw

-Wanted to spend 24-7 with me, yet if I ever expressed wanting to go out with girlfriends, he would mope and get very passive aggressive

I think I could go on... .  

[refuge]

me:

thinking to myself : "hey... wait a minute... .  somethings not right here, she's way to hot for it to be this easy"

[Peterpan]

same as above,pursued me for months, constant obsessive texting all through the day for two or three days,then nothing,completely vanishing for two days... .  then back again obsessively.

Started out with "would really like to get to know you even more" yet on the first meeting " hell I could leave her for you, you are absolutely stunning, perfect" (he stood back while I paid for the coffee on the first time we met out )

one of the things which I personally found odd was that he was 'unhappy' with his nagging wife, would refer to her as 'she or her'... .  then I would get texts explaining all about -------- (wifes name),been out with  ----------

sat eating right now with -----------     which hurt, just didn't feel right.

Was to the minute with texting times, same times every day for months, then it changed abruptly, very obviously and clearly around a different working pattern than mine.

Then the projection,"would love to see more of you, but YOU are always so busy",,nope, not me, I was neglecting other things to see him.

There were so many that I almost immediately knew he had something wrong with him, but every time I brought his behaviour up, I would be told it was because he was really insecure (due to being hurt so badly in the past)

I never thought he was a self harmer at all, but he had scars, which, when I asked where from,his explanation just didn't  add up, I knew he was lying about it, but dropped it thinking he was embarassed.

When I read these now, I wonder how I didn't act on my hunches.

[nycman]

I met my ex girlfriend with BPD on an adult hookup site. I answered her ad for NSA oral sex and she replied almost immediately.  She was much younger than me and physically beautiful.  She kissed me on the first date, we had sex on the next and every one thereafter.  Her few friends were all guys, and none of the relationships seemed deep or long in duration. She told me immediately that she was engaged twice, but that she was always the one to end her relationships because of personal flaws in her boyfriends.  She wanted to move fast with me... move in, talk about marriage and kids.  Also, she had terrible fits - uncontrollable rage if I was a few minutes late, forgot to pick something up at the store, help her with her coat after a meal in a restaurant, and was always having snits with cab drivers, restaurant workers, hotel staff.  To her, I was selfish, cheap, had no empathy, etc.  And six months when I tried to detach, I was reduced to lowest form of human on earth, and then a few minutes later she was hugging me and begging me to give it another chance.  I never had anyone in my life talk to me/email me the way she did. We would have total knock down brawls, and then it would be all lovey dovey a few minutes later. She was at time my worst enemy, and at other the love of my life.  Once I caught her trying to sleep with an ex boyfriend.  I also found her having gone back on the adult hookup site, and saw that she had feedback on in person meetings from 19 other guys!  She denied all of this, changing her story several times, saying she went on the site to see if I was on there, that she was just curious for some inexpiable reason, etc.  I asked her to let me log in to her account and she sent me another account that she clearly threw together in the prior few minutes.  And when I called bull ___, she said the original account was broken and not accessible.  After a week of argument on it, she gave me the credentials, I went on to her account, and saw that all the messages were deleted, that she tweaked the selection criteria and even included on it a picture that I took of her - my favorite no less!  She was very secretive with her iPhone, often getting texts and acting suspicious.  She dressed in over the top provocative dresses and heels, and lingerie in the bedroom, often not wearing panties. She wanted sex in unisex bathrooms in NYC restaurants and my office.  In the end, when I did a hard clean break, she went to my NYC apartment (when I was away) wrote several suicide notes, wrote on my walls with a sharpie, cut her wrists, lost half her blood but survived.  I had to have a crime scene clean up firm get rid of all the blood that was all over the apartment - my tub, my bed, etc.  She wanted me to find her dead in my apartment.  And then, after she got out of the hospital she wrote a six page letter to my boss making all kinds of claims about unethical behavior on my part, including affairs with subordinates.  Fortunately, there was nothing true and the lawyers and HR dismissed it after a week long investigation.  This was a month ago.

All of this is classic.  But she showed other signs that are not typical. She was strangely independent and self confident, but maybe this was a facade.  She was very smart and analytical, but not a personal failure.  Yes she had money problems, but did not drink or use drugs, only smoked cigarettes.  She had trouble verbalizing affection for me, but was physically very sexual and satisfying.  I liken her to the perfect physical bed mate, but this faded over time.  She talked a big game, but over time did not seem as interested in bed and the frequency of sex subsided.

[DRodman]

- Saying she had been a cutter in the past, but hadn't done it in a while.

- Saying she used to be bulimic, but still saw her throwing up all the time

- All her ex's had treated her so poorly and she was the victim (never a mutual break up)

- Wouldn't eat breakfast, but would drink excessive coffees, energy drinks, and also take diet pills.

- Would flat out say "I'm not damaged goods" while laying around.

- Wanted to have sex w/o condoms, which I never gave into (she wasn't on the pill, either, even though she said she was going to)

- Wanting a timeline on when we were to get married (complete with a countdown calendar on her computer) within the first two months of dating

- Her buying rings with our initials on it and wearing it around (wasn't aware she did this until I randomly saw the rings being worn)

- Still being Facebook friends with ex's who had abused her and still texting them (wonder if the abuse even happened)

- Couldn't sleep during normal hours, or at all, and would get mad if I was asleep at 3 AM on a Wednesday when she called/texted and didn't answer.

- Showing me a wedding site that she still used from her ex bf's plans to get married

All in all, blinders were on during my time with her... .  my bad, and luckily I woke up and broke it off.  Biggest bullet I ever dodged!

[Dave44]

me:

thinking to myself : "hey... wait a minute... .  somethings not right here, she's way to hot for it to be this easy"

Omg... .  this is it summed up in one simple phrase! Couldn't have said it any better myself!

[nardila]

1. moved too fast, was talking about moving in early early in the relationship

2. overly jealous, the CIA wished she worked for them, told me she was jealous with her ex husband

3. Change her mind often

4. Kept making her ex husband like he was a monster even though it didnt seem to be like that

5. Early on talked about knowing how to play games of being interested and not being interested (this was big)

6. Her children were out of control

7. was needy from the very beginning, needy of time, attention, love

I guess i was needing to feel close to someone like that too, and she knew how to be close because of her needy actions, but then the manipulation, and criticism, which were tolerable after the sex.

[bb12]

No real friends - didn't talk about anyone longer than a few months ago. Seemed to have no real history

Proudly talked about being wild in his youth to the point that his parents took him to see a specialist

Regrets / whimsy about his ex. Something happened there, but would never go into detail. But wanted them back.

Insensitive... .  always talking about someone else who is amazing. Who he has a crush on. Never complimented me.

No accountability. Just couldn't own the slightest bit of a problem or blame. All on me or someone else

Moody. Different person one day to the next

Addicted to TV... .  had to be the first to watch a whole season of 30 Rock... .  everything. Not a single show he wasn't across

Couldn't be told. Knew everything about everything. Any contribution by me met with eye rolls and 'I know'

Promiscuous

Tight... .  wouldn't pay for anything.

Took other people's successes as a personal slight. He should have got this / that and not them

[Alvino]

1. Everything happening too fast, emotional rollercoaster (I thought this was an indication of "true love" at the time... .   

2. No real friends, one friend that was alternately the best person in the world or devil incarnate.

3. Temper tantrums that would make a 5-year-old blush.

4. Guilt-tripping me for real or perceived offenses. First I thought "cute". Totally underestimated how much that constant barrage shifted my compass in the long run.

5. Making me responsible for her happiness.

6. Picking fights for no good reason.

[HardTruth]

-Suicide attempt 11 months before we met on his bday because his exwife had blown him off on the bday before.

-Talking about how his exwife was in AA, and how he wished she could have just been honest about her drinking... .  as I noticed he drank almost every day that we hung out.

-Making up stories - "I just love the taste of scotch, I don't drink it for the alcohol content."  Uh huh... .  

-Started dating right after his divorce, which he didn't want.  A couple months after the divorce, met a woman, invited her to move in a month after dating.  When she moved in a month later, he already realized they weren't a match... .  and kicked her back out a couple months later.

-Triangulation (read definition) - telling me how his exwife didn't like him having porn (he called it "art" on his computer and going to strip clubs.  How his previous exwife and he used to joke about how he had a crush on her best friend, who was a pretty blond... .  Telling me he had a "date" with a woman in his divorce group (we were monogamous), but that it wasn't really a date... .  

-Turning off and on emotionally in the mornings when we woke up together - sometimes wanting to be close, other times can't wait to jump out of bed... .