relationship: most important thing?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is finding a new relationship the most important thing to you?

I have been that way in the distant past. But I know that after losing my good wife of 26 years because of my long distance (then face to face) BPD rs that I have to regain my own footing in life. Maybe my ex wife and I can rebuild. But the realization that I have to lay a good foundation of my own gives me some hope. Not easy, and the damage and rubble from the recent past is all around. But hope is good cement.

[waitaminute]

Is finding a new relationship the most important thing to you?

I have been that way in the distant past. But I know that after losing my good wife of 26 years because of my long distance (then face to face) BPD rs that I have to regain my own footing in life. Maybe my ex wife and I can rebuild. But the realization that I have to lay a good foundation of my own gives me some hope. Not easy, and the damage and rubble from the recent past is all around. But hope is good cement.

[Want2know]

Is finding a new relationship the most important thing to you?

I struggle with this, at times.

As you mention, laying a good foundation of your own is what I'd consider a primary goal.  Being on solid ground is the way to be when even contemplating building a relationship with someone.  That's where I am now.  I've been on shaky ground for a while, and for this past year, have built my life back up to where I want to be.  Still have some work to do, but I'm much more open to a relationship now then I have been.

I wouldn't say it's the most important thing, but it's really important for me.  I enjoy having a partner.  Sharing the small and big things in life, and the comfort that that brings.

[waitaminute]

Yes. No doubt about it. The relationship makes me feel like my life is worth living. When I am with my exwife, her warmth, laughter, intimacy, and caring bring me to say "this is what I need and want". But I know that to keep that relationship, I have to work on myself.

It's a little bit of a paradox... .  Focusing on my own mental health to build and keep a relationship. But that seems to be where I'm at.

[turtle]

It's not that important to me. In fact, it's of little importance at all.

I've worked very hard on myself over the years.  I feel more confident, secure, strong, solid, and grounded than I ever have, but I do believe this kind of work is never done.  So... .  I continue on the journey - and every day, I feel I learn something new about who I am, what makes me tick, what I do and don't like about myself (and others,) and what I really want out of life.

One of the things I've learned is that I just do better on my own. Sometimes, I think that's odd and that it's yet another thing I need to explore, but for now... .  I am at peace... .  by myself.  And, I've grown so comfortable here, that I just don't see it changing.

The cool thing about our life journey is that it's always presenting new challenges and opportunities. We are always evolving, so who knows what the future holds?  Even so... .  I just don't see a relationship in my future.  I'm just happier without those demands.

However, as I type this, I am aware that during the last 3 weeks, I've felt very alone, isolated, and overwhelmed.  My Mom has been in the ICU, then transferred to a rehab hospital.  She is home now and her prognosis is very good, so I'm grateful for that.  Still, she has new limitations that require she have help.  This is the first time in a VERY long time that I've been truly aware that I am alone.   I work more than full time and I am running and doing for her too.  I'm glad to do it for her. Wouldn't want it any other way!  However, a helping, supportive hand and a hug would be really nice right now.  Then I think... .  hmmm... .  if I wasn't in this spot with my Mom, would I want that?  Answer: No.  So... .  better to stay alone!

turtle

[TheDude]

Not at all.

In my adult life, I've spent as much time alone as I have in relationships (by choice). I've always needed the autonomy to properly heal. It also wouldn't be fair to myself or anyone I were to get involved with if I still had lingering effects from the previous relationship, ie: "rebound". Plus, I personally can't justify the need for being in a relationship based on not wanting to be alone. Besides, after 7 years with a Borderline, I'm starting to really enjoy the stability of solitude again.

[MaybeSo]

I enjoy both, my years alone and my years with a partner. Sometimes my years alone have felt more peaceful; I tend to work hard at partnering and being alone is easier... .  I'm hoping with age and wisdom partnering won't feel like such hard work. I rarely ever feel lonely... .  I have good friends that I'm close to and work, etc. Ultimately, the relationship we have with self... .  impacts the way we are intimate in relating with others. Some alone time provides the space to start really understanding and knowing yourself. I'm an introvert, being alone may be more difficult for an extrovert.

[trevjim]

My life goal is definatly to fall in love, get married and have kids, its my dream, I think some people take it for granted

[trouble11]

I enjoy both, my years alone and my years with a partner.

Same here.  Before this nightmare I really never felt lonely when I was alone.  I do now a little but think that will pass.  I often wonder how I got into this as I wasn't "needing" a relationship at the time.  Although, I had just broken up with someone I had dated for a few months.  I hadn't felt like I needed him either.  We were just having fun. Maybe I had a chink in my armor at that exact moment. IDK ... .  I was an only child ... .  maybe there was something DEEP ... .  DEEP... .  down that made me vulnerable.  He did kinda look like me dad.   

[talithacumi]

You mean, another relationship.

Because, for me, the fact that I'm still here, still reading/posting on this board, still talking to my therapist about how I've been effected by what I went through with my ex upwBPD, and still find myself thinking about all of it in some way at least several times a day means that I'm still very actively involved in, attached to, and defining myself/my life through that relationship on a lot of levels ... .  despite the fact that the relationship itself actually ended over two years ago and that I no longer have any interest/desire in having any kind of relationship with him ever again.

The problem isn't with him. He left me over two years ago to pursue the relationship he'd already started behind my back with my replacement and typically has shown no real interest in, or concern/consideration for me outside of whatever it is he needs/wants that he thinks I have/he can get from me in the moment ... .  which he hasn't even tried to do ever since I stopped initiating contact, i.e. essentially rewarding him for, and inviting him to continue to use me in this way.

No. The problem is with me, and the nasty unresolved FOO issues that were brought to the surface by him, his disorder, the way we related to one another, and the way he ended that relationship.

Issues that clearly need to be examined, analyzed, understood, given context, put into perspective, resolved, and healed.

Issues that I don't want - and no longer feel the desperate need/desire - to ignore, deny, dismiss, JADE, hide from myself, pretend aren't there, or allow myself to forget are there by throwing myself headlong into another relationship that, unless I deal with some of this crap, is statistically most likely to be just like every other relationship I've ever had that's failed no matter what I tell myself about it at the start.

Another relationship? Naw. Think I'll wait til the one I have with myself isn't nearly as dysfunctional and unhealthy as it's always been.

[ConfusedMichael]

It's a question that's been on my mind a lot.  It's been over a year now since my breakup, and so far I've resisted the temptation to jump into a relationship with someone else to try and fill the hole that's troubled me all this time.

The painful truth is that the time I spent with me ex was the happiest I can remember being in my adult life.  Not all the time of course, but there were times where I truly felt the most content I can remember feeling since childhood.  Neither before nor since have I come close to that, and so it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that all I need to do is find another relationship and I will be somehow fixed.  I miss those feelings everyday and long for that above almost all else.

In the long term it is certainly something I want in life, but I know that at the moment the priority still needs to be for me to continue working on myself.  If I do spontaneously meet someone special who is willing to build a relationship while I can continue working on my own lingering issues, then that could potentially help.  But I won't go out looking for a relationship just for the sake of it.  It wouldn't be fair on the other person, and in the long term it would do me no good either.