Is it codependent behavior?

[allibaba]

Definition

I have a undiagnosed BPD husband.  Went away for two weeks... .  and he pretty much almost lost his mind.  I kept good boundaries and tried to be consistently loving while I was away.  When I got back he stated that HE IS AN IDIOT and never realized how much I do for our family.  Said that he needed to pull his weigh and learn to stand on his own two feet again.  YIPPEE.  Yes I realize that this is unlikely to last.  This isn't my first rodeo but I'm still going to enjoy the good moments.

One of the things that the professional that I have seen a few times said is that he needs something to "be proud of."  We moved to a new country three years ago.  I got a killer professional job and he (formerly professionally successful) hasn't been able to find a good job.  He works hard at the job that he has (he's way overqualified for it) but you know in his heart that not having a job worthy of him is a stress.  So... .  we have found a really great and time consuming volunteer activity for him.  It requires extensive up front training but its something that he can be proud of.

The last few mornings have been difficult (he keeps losing it) but man oh man is he trying to get on track.  I stay loving and after he loses it he comes back and says "it really is me." The recent success is only a result of some difficult boundary laying for the last couple months.  

So... .  finally to the question.  This morning he wakes up on the war path.  He has all day training for the volunteer activity and he hasn't slept well.  He's yelling at me because I got up when the alarm went off  to prepare his lunch (he's got lots of food issues).  He's yelling at me because I am lazy.  He asks how I manage to live with myself being so stupid.  I just held my head high and carried on getting stuff ready but deep in my soul I am praying... .  please, please, please don't lose it... .  and to myself I am saying... .  whatever you do... .  do not put him over the edge with some stupid comment.  This volunteer thing is important and they only train once a year (its three weekends).  :)esperately trying not to set him off smacks of the co-dependent behavior of past days which made him so much worse.

So the question is... .  am I ok here.  I don't do this anymore with anything else... .  if he threatens not to go to work... .  I just say ok and move on.

By the way, after slamming doors and yelling at me all morning... .  he called 20 min after he left to say THANK YOU for putting his lunch together.  He's in rough shape and his voice was totally flat but I appreciate the effort from him to call considering the mood.

Thanks in advance for your solid advice.

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[allibaba]

Clarification.  When I said that I am praying not to do or say anything to set him off... .  I mean that I am trying not to do anything that he reacts to so heavily that he decides not to do the training.  I wouldn't put it past him.  He has abandoned things that he cares about more before when he's in these states.

[Auspicious]

Do you fear physical violence at all?

Either way, so hard to live the way you are living  

Have you read our Lessons yet - especially about boundaries?

[allibaba]

There used to be some concerns about violence (no actual violence) but some boundary setting and honest discussions over the last 6 months has helped that.  The biggest issue in this house is violence against appliances and walls   The dishwasher took a beating yesterday.   

I am very new and went looking for the lessons recently and didn't find them (honestly probably because I didn't look hard enough).  Thank you for the link.  Most of the boundary setting that I am doing is from advice from very competent professional help that I have.

[an0ught]

Hi allibaba,

Not sure this is big time co-dependent behavior as there is also a mix of gender role stereotypes in play here with you preparing food for him.

What I found more interesting is that you stopped doing most of the cases, however not in this case. And now the way I read it you seem worried about not being perfect not co-dependent when you make exceptions.

We all muddle through life. It pays to be very consistent with boundaries but then we need also to keep in mind that boundaries need to be intelligent. They are firm lines in the sand but we control what can cross them. And we do have a fair degree of digression what we allow to cross as we are usually only accountable to ourselves. As always it pays to use digression judiciously.

You seem to have thought about what you did deeply, so how come you are questioning yourself now?