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Author Topic: How to let go.  (Read 698 times)
careman
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« Reply #60 on: July 18, 2013, 03:24:46 PM »

When suffering, ask, what is it that I crave, and why do I cling to it?  Here, the answer to the former will be "a person," and the answer to the latter is "how that person made me feel."

We crave and cling to what the pwBPD "did for us." And what "they did" was present the most pleasurable of illusions, masked under the guise of realism. There are worse crimes in this world than that. They are dream-weavers.

Inevitably, we must all ask ourselves--will it be the blue or red pill?

I say, happily swallow the red pill and strip away the veneer. Do we really desire worshiping the construct of a disordered person as our benchmark for happiness. Strip away the extremes, the black, the white, and find peace in the neutral gray. What remains, is a person. A troubled person. Perhaps a person deserving of your compassion. Perhaps even a friend. There may have been love in our relationships, but it was not an epic for the ages, it was transitory. All things change. We let go by not clinging. We stop clinging when we master our wants. We master our wants through clear perception. We feel compassion, when we let go of the desire to possess another for "how they made us feel."   

       

Here is an old I issued a year ago, when in emotional turmoil, providing some hope:

That sublime feeling... .

... . it is all in myself:

That 'sublime feeling' was my feeling felt by me in my body, so obviously I'm capable of feeling that, and hence I can feel it again. She triggered it and made me discover it, but there must be other ways to get it. Projecting a dependence for evoking that feeling onto her creates pain since she left. Separating her from my feeling creates hope, and almost a kind of explorative adventure.

Realizing that that feeling is mine to explore, uncover and unleash frees me from the hook to her, and instead I can see I'm carrying in me a since long hidden treasure for me to find and set free.

   /Careman
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xandrew245x
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« Reply #61 on: July 18, 2013, 04:58:33 PM »

I have often thought the same things, these are just feelings in my mind, feelings created by me, and only me. Why can't I just stop feeling them. I really want to be free of this feeling.
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #62 on: July 18, 2013, 05:12:50 PM »

I had faulty feelings and logic in thinking I could somehow 'save' her, by whatever means I don't know. 

This is the truth though: 

We sail along in our happy boat and she suddenly falls in the water and starts drowning.  She flails about and calls for help.  I give her my hand and pull her back into the boat.  We sail along for a bit and she jumps overboard, crying for help.  I pull her in.  Again, she jumps overboard and seems to be drowning.  Why does she keep jumping into the raving sea?  BPD.  There is no logic to it.

We cannot save them.  Eventually, we will jump in with them... .

Save yourself.
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xandrew245x
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« Reply #63 on: July 18, 2013, 06:40:24 PM »

Wow phoneix, that makes a lot of sense! I agree that if we keep trying to save them, they will drag us right down with them.

I have a question, I have been no contact with her since monday, she just texted me asking for a picture of our one dog, should I send the picture with no message, or should I just continue to ignore her.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #64 on: July 18, 2013, 08:51:16 PM »

Ignore. It's a ploy. She will probably be angered by no response though. Let her.

I like the analogy Phoenix. I said so many times that I just needed a calm relationship and he started shot from nothing, he would even look at me with this curious look when I would say that and say " you can't put rules on a relations". Oh wait... . Yes I can. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Trick1004
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« Reply #65 on: July 19, 2013, 12:18:49 AM »

I found that when we started dating, she fit all the traits of a borderline. I fell right into the trap, the sex came very quickly, and it was not safe. We had long deep conversations, now that I look back, we talked about me, and my interests most of the time. She talked about how awful her ex was, and that he was abusive, and she told me about a best friend that committed suicide years before(Now I really don't know if this is true because she wouldn't let me ever bring it up to her mother). I remember  she gave me a hemp necklace, she made me feel so special about it because she said it was one she made for her friend that died, but he died before she could give it to him. I felt honored to receive it. She also told me she had horrible nightmares, and that when we started spending the night together they stopped. It made me feel perfect.  Now I look back and see that it was all a head game. As time went on, the conversations shifted to her, and then they died all together.

I know the first couple of months we were together I really wasn't in love with her nor did I love her, I was just feeling the lust. I can say that I did fall in love with her though, there was a real person behind this illness, and she would show her self, I loved that girl. The longer our relationship went, the more she painted me black than white, and I know it took a toll on me. I often asked myself what I was doing wrong, I had trouble sleeping, eating, even functioning some days. Then the next second she was just the most pleasant person and turned my mood completely around. I think the hardest part on me was the constant emotional flips, I could handle the insults, the punishment, the anger, because i could always dish those things right back to her, but the one thing I could not handle was her lack of approval of me. I wanted to hear the words just  a couple of times " I am proud of you", or "You are doing a great job". I tried so hard to give her what she wanted, and even started a part time business to give us more cash. I felt like I had did so much, and she only disproved of it all. She knew exactly how to hurt me emotionally, and hurt me bad.

Andrew,

So many parallels. She lived next door to me for about six months and I don't think I talked to her once. I was in graduate school and had complete tunnel vision focusing on graduating and moving out of that town. About a month before graduation I was getting home from the bars at the same time she was and despite some feeling that this is a bad idea, I asked her what she was up to and if she wanted to hang out for a bit? Well, we talked, we drank and ended up sleeping together that night.

That was fine, I had a great time and she did too but the attachment didn't start until I wasn't able to find a job (2009 wasn't a great time to graduate from school) and entered into a dark time in my life. We kept hanging out with each other almost nightly and we slowly grew attached to each other. She made me feel good, and told me how much better I made her feel about herself. I got all her history, abusive ex-boyfriend (who she still kept in contact with), drugs, alcohol (I'm an alcoholic also), but it just seemed like we were supposed to find each other and together make ourselves better.

That was all four years ago and I still deeply love the person she was during the first couple of years. The initial rush when I fell in love for her was so intoxicating that I was able for a long time to ignore the way she started treating me and disrespecting our relationship. The later highs of the r/s slowly weren't able to overcome my inability, no matter what I did, to make her happy. She slowly ate away at me emotionally until at the end I had nothing left to give, I was drained out.

Another thing that helps me move on, is how she kept her ex-boyfriend around for the first few months I was getting to know her. Maybe he wasn't abusive, maybe she is telling whoever she is with now that I was abusive. She has been trying to keep in contact. But I sure as hell don't want to be her next ex waiting around to play whatever games she thinks she can play cause I saw first hand how she played her previous ex before me.
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xandrew245x
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« Reply #66 on: July 19, 2013, 06:51:57 AM »

Trick, you have a lot more power than I do. If I lived right next to her I don't think I would be able to take it. They lure you in, that is what she did to me, she made me feel like I had saved her from what ever hell she was living in. She made me extremely happy, I made her very happy. As things went on, and it became a lot more stressful between us, that is when I saw a major change. That is when the abuse started, the violent fights, her depression, all the anger. I too stuck it out because I thought maybe she was just going through a bad time, and with enough time the person she was would come back. When we moved back home, she did seem to get better, so I was very hopeful.

After we moved back home, I went through some really dark times, even though she seemed to be getting better, I fell into a depression, and a very weird state of mine, and I did things I never should have. I guess the mental abuse was getting to be more than I could handle. I think at that time I had nothing left of me emotionally. I kept thinking to myself "look, you have a house, a job, a family who loves you, your spouse isn't perfect but it could be so much worse" I think that helped turn me around to the point I could deal with every day. Now she is trying to keep me around while she tests the water with this other guy, I defiantly don't want to be recycled.

Last night she texted me again saying "apparently we have a lot to talk about, so lets talk about it" "we can talk about the divorce and things pertaining to it and nothing else" I know she just wants to get me to break the no contact.
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Want2know
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #67 on: July 19, 2013, 08:23:20 AM »

Staff only

Thank you all for your responses.  Per our guidelines - this thread has been locked due to the 4 page limit.

Please feel free to start a new thread, at any time.

If you have any questions, please contact a staff member.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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