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Author Topic: Facebook  (Read 629 times)
shaggysoul

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« on: July 20, 2013, 11:08:17 AM »

Wow. I can't believe I have been brought down to the Facebook level. I have NEVER dated someone who misbehaves on Facebook until I met my 42 year old exBPD. The first fight we got in I was blocked on Facebook. Actually, I didn't even know it was a fight. I just knew I was blocked on Facebook for some reason. Then I realized he has also blocked my phone number. I think the reason was that I did not text him goodnight the night before (I was on vacation in another city and we hadn't been dating long... . And he never texted me goodnight).

After that we would block and unblock and were on a constant rollercoaster for everyone to see. I was shocked that people behaved like this but I also played along after awhile.

He is not indefinitely blocked of course.

His friends have now all started blocking me and defriending me. I can't believe I even have noticed this. I don't know why this bothers me even. I'm a grown up for gods sake. But it does. I feel demonized. I feel like I can't defend myself. I feel like I want to explain how hiting nuts he is to everyone. They MUST see it. THEY MUST.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2013, 11:43:18 AM »

I feel like a also behave like a freaking child when it comes to him. I've lost my dignity. Nothing about this relationship has been easy.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2013, 12:43:26 PM »

I feel like I've lost my dignity too.  Maybe that's should be our motivation.  To just walk away and get our freaking dignity back.  Easier said then done.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2013, 01:03:03 PM »

Oh Lord Shaggy the block/unblock game... . we were dating the same guy... .   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I was unfriended long ago and never put back on it. Doesn't stop me rather pathetically trying to 'stalk' him at times through what I can see of his friends' pages (not much).

Yeah I feel I lost what was left of my dignity with him. And yes I do need to get it back. Let me know if you've seen it... .
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2013, 01:04:54 PM »

My ex used to use facebook to get at me. Change or hide her relationship status depending on how she felt about me at the time. When I left I just deactivated my facebook account till I'm in a spot to be able to handle things better. I'm getting there. I'll probably reactivate it in a few weeks I just felt like I didn't need to leave an opening for her to get at me.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2013, 01:15:35 PM »

Smart and strong move Obi.  I'm trying to get the strength to delete all of our text conversations.  I've got them back to the beginning.  I keep compulsively reading all the sweet wonderful things he said to me and crying over them.  I need to delete them but just can't yet.

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delusionalxox
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« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2013, 01:56:00 PM »

Emilie I deleted all the texts :/ including all the angry miserable ones I sent at the end when he cut me off and the ones begging for forgiveness and him to talk to me   :'(

The horrible thing is... . on the iphone, when you do spotlight search they come up. The first line at least. Somehow it happened genuinely by accident to me one day and I saw a whole list of them. I desperately wanted to read and open them again but all you get is a first line. ( horrible. I think I cried a bit.
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2013, 01:57:20 PM »

I haven't been able to delete our texts or emails. What I did instead was just create a folder and put them all in there so they aren't there staring me in my face. I also took all the pictures that reminded me of her and put them in that folder. I don't open it up and go through it but I thought I would like to hold onto them. When thinking about her and looking at the pictures doesn't effect me one way or another I may decide to get rid of the texts and emails.

Thats just what I chose to do because I would just sit on the couch and go through them and it would bring me down all over again.
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Candace30
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« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2013, 02:01:34 PM »

You need to stay off facebook for a while if you are trying to get over an ex and you know facebook is a problem for you.

Facebook and social networking sites are a HUGE problem for me!  Of course he's deleted me when he's mad at me.  But his profile is "public" so I can still view it.  All of his social media sites (twitter, instagram, etc. are "public".

I've found myself spending ENTIRE DAYS compulsively checking his social media sites.  I mean just literally sitting on his "wall" all day/night and hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything new.  I've spent whole days trying to interpret and analyze every comment that is made on his wall or photos.  I've social media "stalked" his friends and any woman that I see on his wall. 

It's rather pathetic!  And yes, I have a life.  I am a grown woman and I have a demanding profession.  I don't have time to do something so juvenile and insane.  But still I've found myself doing it.  All day.  And all night.  It was like I literally could not control myself.  I was completely sprung out on him!  I would be embarrassed if anyone ever found out.     

And I can't say for sure that he didn't use his social media site to get reactions out of me.  He knows I regularly view his profiles.  Often he would post photos of himself out a pool party or bar with about 4 or 5 women with their arms wrapped around him.  I can't say whether he was just being himself and not thinking about the effect that this would have on me, or doing it to elicit a jealous reaction out of me.  After all of this time, I honestly can't say.

Soo, long story short, I've deactivated my own facebook account.  I'm making a conscious effort to stay off social media sites.  And I'm 100% focused on ME right now.  I've made a list of my own goals and things I want to accomplish.  I've withdrew my energy from HIM and redirected it into ME.  That's what you have to do - take your attention away from them and redirect it into yourself.  You'll feel better and thank yourself in the end.

And stay off social networking sites until you get stronger!  Believe me when I say that NOTHING good will come of it.       
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2013, 02:10:02 PM »

I've found myself spending ENTIRE DAYS compulsively checking his social media sites.  I mean just literally sitting on his "wall" all day/night and hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything new.  I've spent whole days trying to interpret and analyze every comment that is made on his wall or photos.  I've social media "stalked" his friends and any woman that I see on his wall. 

It's rather pathetic!  And yes, I have a life.  I am a grown woman and I have a demanding profession.  I don't have time to do something so juvenile and insane.  But still I've found myself doing it.  All day.  And all night.  It was like I literally could not control myself.  I was completely sprung out on him!  I would be embarrassed if anyone ever found out.     

     

Oh Candace   Smiling (click to insert in post) I hope you don't mind that I laughed a bit at that- in recognition- god I've done the same EVEN though ex's facebook is locked to me and all I can see are the 'recommends' he makes publicly! I keep checking the (partially locked) page of his male best friend to see if he turns up in any photos... . (nothing yet... . LOL)... . the pages of the woman he slept with during our relationship, to see how high up he was in her friend list... . his ex's and family's pages... . insane stuff. Truly insane and utterly pointless. I too am a 'professional' educated woman with a PhD... . my God... . it's maddening.

I blocked him recently when I was ruminating over my last, bitter message to him and managed to type a reply to a friend (!) whom I had open in another window and sent it to him! He will no doubt be a bit mystified that I messaged him 'will do hun' out of the blue... . but what the heck I really didn't mean that to me for him so I don't count it as breaking NC ( Smiling (click to insert in post) you have to laugh!)
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2013, 02:11:56 PM »

So... . he is blocked now so can't see references to him on other pages but there is still the set of photos occasionally updated on the male friend's page... . and I STILL CHECK IT (slaps self). So pointless.

I know I will also be googling ex until the end of time to see what new jobs (? if any hehe) he has, etc, etc. I should hope in 12 months that will diminish... .

god the internet can be such a horrible thing. A total barrier to moving on.
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Candace30
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« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2013, 06:07:52 PM »

Oh God, Delusionalxox, I hope you don't mind that I laughed at your post too.  Lol.  Especially the part about you checking his page even though it is locked, and all you can see are the "recommends" he makes publicly.

It's also good to know that you are a professional woman too with this obsession.  I have a law degree.  And sometimes I am so ashamed because I think that if only my colleagues knew what I was doing in my office, they'd look at me like I was crazy!  I'll go into a meeting at work looking like I have it all "together".  All the while, I'm smiling and nodding at everyone, but I CAN'T WAIT until the meeting is over so I can walk quickly back to my office, close the door, and STALK THE HELL out of him and everyone who knows him.  Lol.

I know it's insane, but I can't stop myself.   

I remember the good old days before the internet, when you broke up with someone and you had to get over them the old fashioned way.  The internet makes it so difficult.

I haven't been on his page this week though.  I am purposefully avoiding it.  I know that nothing good can come of it.  And so far, I feel good.  In the back of my mind I wonder what he's doing right now.  But I'm going to push forward with my life and not check up on him like a crazy person. 

Hell, we have lives too.  It's time to start living ours. 
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Candace30
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« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2013, 06:12:12 PM »

The thing I've come to realize from being on these boards is that we all appear to be very intelligent and bright people.  Intellectually we KNOW that what we are doing is insane.  Logically, we KNOW that our relationships and partners are unhealthy.  Yet, we still have difficulty disengaging from them.    
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2013, 12:54:44 AM »

Yup! I fully believe that this relationship brought out the most shamefully childish side of me. I definitely started mirroring him back! I can't believe how I'm acting like such a heartbroken teenager! Actually the way my first boyfriend broke up with me when I was 14 was far MORE mature then this last guy who is in his 40's.
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thisyoungdad
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2013, 02:32:25 AM »

After my divorce I am in now, and even though she blocked me on FB a long time ago, I have decided that it is a horrible site especially for married folks. We were "friends" and had so many mutual real life friends on there that I was still and on occasion do hear about things she posts. Not necessarily bad about me per se but just either over the top crazy, or concerning things about our child. Yet because it was third party there was not a thing I can do because I can't prove it. So my attitude is basically forget it at this point. Also she didn't change her password until, well I dont know but I know I had the ability to check it a few weeks back and I would on occasion fall into that. Thankfully not often. Now she has changed it and I still could figure it out because she uses the same 3 for everything but honestly I lost my motivation to care anymore. People post whatever they will on there, often I discovered at least with her, whatever she could to get sympathy and look the part of the sad, grieving wife who got dumped (she left me so saying she doesnt' know what happened is a bunch of b.s) and frankly it does bring out the childish side in so many people it seems. It is like a magnet to come and be as immature as you want and generally most people can get away with it.
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2013, 06:11:06 AM »

I too have stalked the exbf on facebook and other social network sites he uses.

I wanted to find out what had happened to him as he gave no closure to him disappearing.

Just got curious and stalked for over a year? (shame, red faced here)

Discovering he was not the person that I thought he was, the 4 yrs r/s was fake!

He was a fake!

And the new woman in his life?  Wow, she sure is whiney! complains about everything!

Oops, sorry, maybe that is my jealousy showing  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

The ex had a few fb accounts and I was blocked on everyone, even while I was involved

with him  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2013, 06:16:23 AM »

It was comforting, in a strange way to read about how others have re acted.

I am not as educated as some of you and Im a little technologically challenged,

regarding the internet, I am 50 and these internets werent around when I was younger  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


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MatOfTheDoor

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« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2013, 08:59:08 AM »

My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2013, 10:34:13 AM »

I had facebook before I met the ex but did not use it much, he though

was very into it and was on a load of date sites prior to meeting me.

During our r/s we both had fb, then all of a sudden, he closed his account,

or so I thought, He said he was tired of it.   Turns out, that he had blocked

me.  Also, recently found out about his other accounts, he lied, told me he

hated facebook.   Most of the women he has on his fb have been on there

duriing all the time I was with him.

Then I found a profile on a date site about him looking for his soul mate, this

was while I was supposedly his woman?
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slop

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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2013, 11:57:41 AM »

My BPD-ex was never on facebook and detested all kinds of social media.

It's like one extreme or another; they either go full-bore, or they're afraid of any part of them being out there at all.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2013, 12:18:29 PM »

I've actually blocked ex's page now so that I can't see even the few recommends he makes  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Everytime I was looking at it it was a small wound. I don't see pictures of him any more except via the internet.

I was thinking about the girl he cheated on me with, whom I am sure has been recycled (or there will quickly have been someone else), trying to check her page (which is locked but he always appears near the top of her friend list indicatng they are in contact  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm a pro at this stalking thing eh  Smiling (click to insert in post))

Then I realised that as I have blocked him he will not be visible on her page either! marvellous stuff.

I was about to do the Daily Stalk today to see if any further pictures of him have come up but today was the first day I stopped myself. I felt the familiar pain of seeing his face and thought 'you don't have to hurt yourself like this, you're hurting enough.' And I stopped. Progress I guess.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2013, 12:51:53 PM »

I don't like seeing things that will hurt me. I don't want to know. I don't want to go through his crap and see if he was emotionally cheating, physically cheating or anything else. I wanted to trust him. I told him this all the time. I will not snoop. In the end he snooped, went through my things... . Email, phone texts... . bedroom. Once he even opened a condom and threw it under the bed in an attempt to get me to admit to cheating.  I would never cheat. It's proposterous how in love I was and how much he thought I was constantly cheating. My friends always said that it was protection and that he was the cheater. Prolly so.

Anyway, I'm glad I blocked him on FB before we broke up. I am doing it for my sanity because I know how cruel he is. He thinks I'm being malicious. Totally wrong. I'm starting to realize how little he actually knows about me. I don't think he knows me at all. He can't see beyond himself.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2013, 02:26:09 PM »

you're right I think about him not knowing you, shaggy.

So much of their 'love' is projection. They have to paint you the way they need you to be so they can justify the push/pull they are doing.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2013, 02:28:13 PM »

I was snooped on all the time too btw and accused of cheating... . I have a lot of gay male friends and he would freak if they called or texted... . every time I got a text from a male friend he would 'accidentally' 'see' it and question me... . it was awful. Last time we were at home together 2 months ago he found a bit of condom wrapper (must have been from the last time he'd been with me, as I haven't seen anyone else) under the bed and just threw it at me in the kitchen silently. I burst into tears. It was just so violent and horrible. As if I must be a whore. etc.
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2013, 02:41:39 PM »

My ex would go through my facebook and phone all the time. If I even suggested looking at her stuff she would flip out how its none of my business. The double standard was infuriating.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2013, 02:47:54 PM »

Yeah Obi I was kicked off ex's facebook over a year ago for objecting to a picture of him with the woman he cheated on me with!

He then told me it was ok for me to stay off it because he 'didn't live on there', a lot of his other friends weren't on there at all (by choice) and eventually that I was 'too dangerous' to be on his facebook. (Because I am a dangerous psycho of course... . )

I think that last bit was total, utter projection as it was him who was always raising hell based on 'information' he gleaned by goiing into my fb and email etc.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2013, 02:50:10 PM »

What is it with pwBPD and the TOTAL, obvious double standards and hypocrisy all the time about everything?

Ex was so utterly and repeatedly hypocritical I kind of got used to it. Anything I did which was like one of his mideeds was magnified and used against me to the max. Whatever he did was utterly exonerated.

It ends up really crazy making because they will argue black is white and then white is black, all in the same row  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2013, 02:57:43 PM »

And heven help you if you have the nerve to point out that there is a double standard!
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delusionalxox
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Posts: 352



« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2013, 02:59:23 PM »

Indeed, I would get told that a. there was no double standard! b. everything he did was entirely justified because of my own appalling, dangerous psycho behaviour.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

My god... . WHY, WHY WHY did we put up with it?
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2013, 03:02:20 PM »

My theory is that I was tranquilized and brain washed at some point early in the relationship and any memory of it was wiped out. Thats the only thing I can think of. I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from anyone else!

My ex was a master at redirecting things so when I would try and say anything about the double standard she would point argue about how I didn't do the dishes the way she likes.
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