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Author Topic: Ex girlfriend  (Read 719 times)
Eric1
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« on: July 29, 2013, 02:14:11 PM »

I've done a bit of research because I needed to know what happened to me.

My ex was the most beautiful girl when I met her, couldn't have asked for me. Everything went very quickly and she told me he loved me quite early on.  We were insuperable. However, she would have fits of rage, would love me one minute then tell me she hated me the next. I couldn't do enough but everything i done was wrong. I would be on the receiving end of put downs & it questioned who I was. All i wanted was to go back to how we were at the beginning. I ended up getting angry in retaliation because I honestly couldn't take anymore, but that is all the gets remembered. She split up with me a couple of times and we always got back together. But this time round she cheated on me. She'd been messaging a bloke behind my back. Normally I would of dumped her, but I felt so attached to her i couldn't. She dumped me. I've started to feel better about myself but its taken alot of tears and focus.

I tried getting her back, but to no avail.  Why I would want to go back to a girl who hit me, swore at me & treated me like poo is an issue I've had to deal with. I'm happy being single, she just crippled my self asteem.

She sends random texts every 7 or  8 days telling me to listen to songs that have meanings. I.e Forive me, sorry that I hurt you etc

I texte her today the most polite, sincere message saying we can't have any contact.

She replied saying - i want that to. I'm only replying to your texts because I don't wannto hurt you. Don't message me again then i won't have to reply will I

She texted me out of the blue tho! Why do I always feel like I'm to blame for everything.
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Mr gaga

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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 02:47:46 PM »

Dang you too? Look at what these people are doing to us, this is crazy. My ex was the devil incarnate seriously! I have been through mostly everything you mentioned so you are not alone. I still wish I could go back to the honeymoon phase  . But dating these type of people is like selling your soul or happiness to the devil. Yes you get the unconditional love and affection you always wanted but it comes at a terrible price unfortunately.
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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 03:30:56 PM »

Why do I always feel like I'm to blame for everything.

What are the facts vs. your feelings right now?
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Eric1
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« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 03:34:34 PM »

The facts are that she is just as much, if not more to blame.  But, every time we've broken up its because of my actions. Her actions never get brought into question.  If I ever did bring up the way she was being, all she would say is 'deal with it or just dump me then'

I could never walk away. I tried, I got to the front door before, but turned back around.

I don't know if I should reply to her last message. I feel guilty now.
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« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 03:40:04 PM »

The facts are that she is just as much, if not more to blame.  But, every time we've broken up its because of my actions. Her actions never get brought into question.  If I ever did bring up the way she was being, all she would say is 'deal with it or just dump me then'

I could never walk away. I tried, I got to the front door before, but turned back around.

I don't know if I should reply to her last message. I feel guilty now.

If you reply to her message - what changes?  You are still going to feel guilty either way, right?
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Eric1
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« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2013, 03:54:16 PM »

She's made it out that she was only replying to stop me from being upset. But, she randomly texts me out of the blue which sets me back.

I don't want us to fall out.
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« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2013, 03:56:43 PM »

She's made it out that she was only replying to stop me from being upset. But, she randomly texts me out of the blue which sets me back.

I don't want us to fall out.

What do you mean by fall out?
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Eric1
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« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2013, 04:08:04 PM »

I shouldn't of sent the message about no contact.  I should of known that she would of replied in the manner that she did & now i feel like it was a mistake.

I've been through so much with this breakup trying to find who I am again & still, all i want to do is please her.
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« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2013, 04:20:09 PM »

I shouldn't of sent the message about no contact.  I should of known that she would of replied in the manner that she did & now i feel like it was a mistake.

I've been through so much with this breakup trying to find who I am again & still, all i want to do is please her.

It sounds like you are having a tough time with the fact this relationship is over and you didn't want it to be... . is this what is bothering you?

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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2013, 04:33:28 PM »

Yes. I would reconcile, which is why, when she texts out of the blue i get a glimmer of hope, then it boils down to nothing and I'm left thinking about her. Hence why I felt it nessacery to send this text.

I thought she would of replied 'I understand, that's fine' but I get the other reply, which mkes me feel like crap.
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« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2013, 04:41:26 PM »

Yes. I would reconcile, which is why, when she texts out of the blue i get a glimmer of hope, then it boils down to nothing and I'm left thinking about her. Hence why I felt it nessacery to send this text.

I thought she would of replied 'I understand, that's fine' but I get the other reply, which mkes me feel like crap.

Eric - why did you tell her you wanted No Contact if you wanted to reconcile?

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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2013, 04:52:08 PM »

Because I told her already i wanted to reconcile and she said on two occasions that she didn't. But, then she texts out of the blue and all it does is set me back.
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« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2013, 04:57:56 PM »

Because I told her already i wanted to reconcile and she said on two occasions that she didn't. But, then she texts out of the blue and all it does is set me back.

so, are you ready to let go of reconciling now or did you tell her you wanted no contact to get some other reaction from her?
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2013, 05:02:09 PM »

I just can't keep going round in circles.  If I don't contact her, then she does contact me, but as soon as she does, I tell her that I still have feelings for her, then she says sorry but she doesn't feel the same. Then I go quite, she then texts randomly and it just repeats the cycle. And i cant do it anymore. So, I thought that message would stop it all.  But didn't think she would reply in that manner.

For all the hurt she caused me, I still care about her.
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« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2013, 05:06:14 PM »

Hi,

When she texts you, she's just checking to see if you are still on the hook, that is, still available, for when it goes bad with her new dude. That is all it is. You are a possible "back-up" now, should she need one.

I highly suggest that you absolutely do not write her back. If you do, she'll know you are still very much on the hook as a backup. You'll be hoping for more, and she will be giving you less and less.

You are a trigger now. She has moved on to a "clean slate." You will never be new again.

Respect yourself. Have respect for yourself. Go do something, anything to distract you. But don't feel guilty, she doesn't, and don't write her back.

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« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2013, 05:06:28 PM »

I just can't keep going round in circles.  If I don't contact her, then she does contact me, but as soon as she does, I tell her that I still have feelings for her, then she says sorry but she doesn't feel the same. Then I go quite, she then texts randomly and it just repeats the cycle. And i cant do it anymore. So, I thought that message would stop it all.  But didn't think she would reply in that manner.

For all the hurt she caused me, I still care about her.

She contacts you for some emotional need in her - not because of you - do you understand this?

You CAN stop the cycle by blocking her number or not responding to her... . caring about her is something we have all had to set aside so we can get our lives back on track, stopping the chaos does not equate to not caring as much as it equates to putting our own best interest as our focus.  :)oes this make sense?  
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Eric1
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« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2013, 05:17:49 PM »

So, what I texted was the best thing to do?

I said - I've been thinking and I think it's best we have no contact. The message you sent had the right intentions and was harmless enough, but it just gets me thinking about you. Please don't take this the wrong way & I don't want it to come across as rude, but it's the only option. I hope you're ok & you understand x

Then she replys - I want this too! I only reply because i don't want to upset you. If you stopped contacting me i wouldn't need to reply would I.
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Gaslit
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« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2013, 05:25:03 PM »

Can you see what you are dealing with? She texts you out of the blue, and on her own, you reply with, "please don't text me." And she STILL, still blames you for Her texting you! Not even owning up to the Fact that she texted you first.

It's all very ridiculous and frustrating, no?

Search this forum for pendulum, and clinging and distancing behavior, that swings back and forth, forever, unless you stop it.

And do sit and just really think about her being with a new guy.

Is this your life? Do you deserve better?
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« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2013, 05:30:07 PM »

The way to stop chaos is to stop participating in it... . stop texting her, it is that simple.

It may be difficult to do, but you do have the power to move forward.
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Eric1
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« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2013, 05:34:43 PM »

That's why I felt the need to text that because I do end up texting back, which really doesn't help. When I've started no contact, she ends up contacting me and I'm too weak to not text back.

I do deserve better.  I thought she was someone she isn't. Do you have a link for the pendulum swinging etc?

Why do I need to picture her with the new guy?
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« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2013, 05:40:37 PM »

You don't have to picture them together, but doing so might help to really see the reality of the situation.

I'm not the best searcher on this site, here is the jist of it, from user 2010. Her stuff is excellent.

":)o they think they can do whatever they like and be forgiven?" More than likely they do- only because the majority of the disorder's actions involve other people. Compulsive behavior needs a reward.  People are quite useful in that regard. Borderlines choose people who are forgiving. They choose people who have been trained from childhood to overlook abuse or that are "fixers." Borderlines use inconsistency to deflect your idea of consistent behavior- they swing back and forth on a pendulum. That inconsistency is a repetitious compulsion of clinging/distancing that needs your forgiveness to continue. Chances are; you've already forgiven them many, many times and it never worked.

The fantasy has to be grieved.

The only way to treat people who abuse you is to take your power back and walk away.  You don't have to explain yourself, you just need to give yourself permission to be treated fairly and that begins with establishing what you will and what you won't stand for.
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« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2013, 05:54:44 PM »

Eric,

You are hurt, your brain is trying to make sense of it... . BPD is not rational - but there are facts to the disorder that are good to understand.

Read the lessons and articles, over and over.  Specifically, article 9 - 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck.  Member 2010 is a great resource too.

Right now, you are operating in a FOG - fear, obligation, guilt... . the way to come out of the fog is to allow yourself the possibility that you deserve better, as such, give yourself a break from this woman as she is only pushing your FOG button.

Train your brain to focus on the facts when it wants to picture her with her new boyfriend.

You have the power to move past this, give yourself the time and self-discipline necessary.

Peace,

SB
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me757
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« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2013, 06:54:21 PM »

If you look at my last topic I posted yesterday on the leaving board you'll see what can happen if you go NC. My ex has started calling and texting like crazy and it's hard to not respond... . but you know what is easier to do yet a lot worse? Responding and letting them realize that they still have you hooked, giving them that ego boost, and then dropping you again until the next time they need to check in to make sure you're still an orbiter.

I don't know if you've had an experience like I did but I saw how my BPD treated her ex's while we were together and I saw how she strung them along to keep them hooked. If I wasn't available, they were there to keep her from being alone. When I feel sad about not responding, I think about that. I put my ego aside and realize that I was an orbiter after we broke up all the way until I went NC. That is why my ex is blowing up my phone. If you have any story to use to keep you NC, use it. NC is hard but it brings back some desperately needed self-worth that these BPD's suck out of us. From what I've read from your post, I wouldn't be surprised if your ex acts like mine is right now if you go NC. Deny them the ability to use us. I'm 21 days NC after 8 months of post-break up bs like you are going through. Those 8 months were wasted because I didn't detach.

One last thing, I don't know if this is actually the greatest reason to go NC but realize that by letting her know you're hooked to her, it is probably letting her new relationship coast more smoothly. If they have back-ups then they probably won't fear abandonment as much and that might actually make their current relationship STRONGER in their eyes. Of course the non would hate it but if the BPD hides it from them then it won't affect the relationship. I might be wrong but I really believe that being their back up's reduce their BPD triggers and keep their current relationships going.
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Eric1
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« Reply #23 on: July 30, 2013, 02:52:10 AM »

I still feel terrible for sending that message. I've now completely shut her out my life & I know now that we won't have any contact.  It helps for me to get over the relationship, but I don't want for us to never speak to each other again. I think I might email her explaining what i done and why.

It's so hard.
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me757
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« Reply #24 on: July 30, 2013, 08:36:46 AM »

The more you chase her, the more power she has and the more she will treat you like crap. Chasing her will not get her back - just the opposite. I think you should go NC now. I understand your fear of never talking again. I had it but the problem is that you don't let go and you find yourself still attached when, if you had have gone NC to begin with, you'd be much further along. Sending another email is only delaying your recovery. Explaining anything to an exBPD is pointless anyway. If you already sent an email saying why you want to go NC then there isn't really anything else to say.
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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: July 30, 2013, 11:13:27 AM »

How it panned out... . I seen her at a part last saturday. It set me back & i ended up contacting her on the sunday, saying i still had feelings for her - wrong, i know. She replied that she didn't feel the same and appologised. I siad thats its fair enough, i've been hanging on & need to let go.

Then i went back to NC.

She then texted 6 days later, about a program we used to watch and a song i needed to listen to. The song had lyrics which said "please forgive me, sorry that i hurt you"

Obviously this got me going again i ended up contacting her. We contacted back and forth as to why she sent it, she just said it was a simple message. I then contacted her monday saying we can't be in contact.

Shes turned it on me, saying she was only replying because she didn't want to hurt me & now she wished she didn't bother & ignored me.

I know feel like crap because she was obviously only doing it to be nice.
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #26 on: July 30, 2013, 12:13:16 PM »

Dear Eric1,

     " Shes turned it on me, saying she was only replying because she didn't want to hurt me & now she wished she didn't bother & ignored me.

I know feel like crap because she was obviously only doing it to be nice."  Uh... . no.  This "push/pull" thing is part of the disorder.  You will figure out over time that she isn't actually able to do things "... . to be nice."  Keeping you involved with her, as has been pointed out, is all about her needs and nothing at all about love.  For her, love is just fulfilling her needs, not the self-sacrificing thing you feel for her.

     "I've now completely shut her out my life & I know now that we won't have any contact. "  Uhhh... . wanna bet?  I'll bet you one billion imaginary bars of gold that you won't find it anywhere near that easy to shut her out of your lfe.  And that's OK right now as you're probably not ready yet to continue the process of detachment.  This is work and it takes time.  You'll move along at the pace you can.  Trust me though, this isn't a regular r/s where you tell the girl goodbye (or much more likely, she tells you) and that's the end of it.  I wish it were so.  Read more on this site and you will understand what is really going on with her -- and with you.  Hang in, man.  We're with you, as we're all somewhere on this path ourselves.

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #27 on: July 30, 2013, 12:22:12 PM »

I've never felt pain like this. I'm a grown man & it's brought me to tears. All i wanted to do was the honourable thing by saying that we shouldn't have any contact. And she throws it back in my face saying "don't message me again and i won't have to reply will I"

But she texted me after I initiated no contact. She said she felt guilty for hurting me & that she wish she never bothered.

I couldn't follow a pattern of week to week having the odd text from her as all it does is screw me up, but n
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« Reply #28 on: July 30, 2013, 01:49:07 PM »

Eric1, Im sorry you are struggling with this, I too am. Its very complex issue and after all this time with mine and as much time as I have spent on this board I still struggling trying to make sense out of something that cant be made sense of.  but mine has done this many times to me. Once she broke up with me, toldme she idnt feel the same way, didnt want to to do this. We didnt speak for about 3 or 4 weeks. Then she started texting, I answered. Then it went to calling, Once night she called me drunk and messed up. She started pouring her heart out to me about how she missed me and loved me. Anyway we hung up. I went to sleep that night thinking that we were gettimg back together, I mean who wouldnt? the next morning she called and asked did we need to talk about the night before conversation. I asked was we getting back togther. She said what made you think that. I esxplained what was said. She said well I ment all that but I dont want back togther and hung up. She said sorry I didnt mean to confuse you I was just telling you my feelings. We got back togther a few weeks later but I was crushed whens he said that. Of ocurse who would believe that she wnated back, she called, expressed her love and how much missed me. In other words once she heard me say the exact same words back to her that was enough to fill the void. She didnt care how it made me feel, she just got her fix.

Mine broke it off we me again, Ive lost count how many times this has happened. But after 6 days of being broke up and nc from both us. She started texting. I started responding and the texting increased and a few phone calls starting happening. Now during these phone calls not one ever said I love you or miss you, Im sorry I want us back togther. In other words aslong as she was getting her fix with no effort, she would be happy to use me for comfort, emotional support, or wahtever else she needed. and I would be stuck, hanging on wishing, hoping one day we would get back together. while she went flipping around whichever direction she wanted to go ahead while keeping me on the hook. Its a win win. for her. when we were broke up and she was wanting a recycle, mine would send me songs, pictures of scripture, naked pictures, sexual suggestive texts, 3 in morning text message, use  common friends to call or whatever and it always worked and I was willing. But I made it so easy for her it was ridiculous. In other words like someone else said, aslong as she thinks she still has you, she will careless about you. Ive learned this the hard way.
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Eric1
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« Reply #29 on: July 30, 2013, 02:05:10 PM »

It's funny how our situations are the same. I think what made me struggle this time round is that I know I won't get the 3am drunk phone calls telling me she misses me etc

It works in my favour if she does stay away. I did tell her that I still care about her in my last message that I still care about her, but she didn't reply.

It's my birthday tomorrow as well.  I've never been so disinterested. She won't wig me happy birthday & that really, really hurts.
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