Ex girlfriend

[slimmiller]

Eric1,

I know its hard but fact is every time there is any contact it renews the wound. In a normal relationship there is respect and if it ends, closure. In a BPD, there is no closure. We want to show our wounds (emotionally) to them and say, 'look what you did, you hurt me'. In the normal situation the person will have compassion and empathy and say sorry. They will also mean it. In BPD, they will instead rip off the scab (what little healing there has been) and instead rub salt in the wound.

I know its hard but realize it was not real. It was always about her. She used you and continues to do so. I would block her number and dont let her have space in your head anymore. It does not matter what you do, she just wants to know that in your head she exists and she will use that time to waste yours.

In a way, consider yourself lucky. I had three kids with mine and that is a complete Hell in itself (co parenting) So if you can, sever ties

[mitchell16]

Eric1, I to thought same thing many times with each break up and I mean I bet it was over 12 in 2.7 years I thoght I would never hear from her again. and I always did in some form, phone call, text messages, emails, messages thru friends, driving to my house, standing in front of my job, coming in my favorite resturant. Mind to said on many occasions she know longer felt the same, she didnt want this or want that. But she always came back and then she had a way of explaining herself that made sense to me. But and this is the main thing It always happened again, again and again and would continue forever until one of us got tired of it all and walked away. and each time I allowed myself to go back, I started building up resentment towards myself. I resented her but I resented myself more. becasue In my heart I knew she would just do it all over again and all the weeks healing and suffering with being lonley I had to start back over again and go back thru the pain and misery all of over again. The last time prior to this break up we had stayed apart over 2 months. I stayed nc even when she attempted conatct about every 10 days to 3 weeks. I was doing pretyy good. I had started dating again. I know a little quick but I wanted to try and move on. She caught me at work one day, we talked, she poured her heart out about  how she missed me, how I still the love of her life and how she knew it was all her fault the break up and how she had been in therapy. I wanted her and still loved her and I missed her so much. But guess what? with in two months here I am again. she twisted it alla round, claimed she only came back becasue I poured out my heart to her that day in front of my job. Didnt happen. also it was once again my fault accoring her. So if you can stay strong I beleive it will get better.

[Eric1]

Every story is the same! But, why can't I hate her for what she done?

I tried to be sincere about not contacting and I end up apologising!

I think she's already with someone else, so I won't be contacted again.

[Gaslit]

More wisdom from 2010 on WHY they will swing back around, making it seem like they want you, only to snatch it away, sometimes almost immediately or the next morning. (I always wondered what happened while they slept! ha)

"Their ultimate goal is not love. Their ultimate goal is the *longing* for love. Their disorder is a process of seductive, clinging and hating behaviors that run on a continual loop.  :)epending on how strong your boundaries are- that loop becomes more defined.  Precise boundaries cement the change of seasons for them. Hating behaviors turn quickly to seduction again when they think you are a challenge. It's that LONGING for love that they live for. Once they have you- it's back to clinging and hating. Borderline personality is a disorder that appears like love- but is actually loathesome fear for the BPD."

Do you see what is happening now?

[Eric1]

How can I be certain that she does have BPD? I'm only going on what she was like and the research I've gathered.

It's almost like I don't want to believe it.

I've never, ever felt like this before.  I've had break ups in the last the hurt and took some time to get over, but this is different.

[seeking balance]

How can I be certain that she does have BPD? I'm only going on what she was like and the research I've gathered.

It's almost like I don't want to believe it.

Ah... . bargaining begins... .

Certainty is not likely to happen unless she has a T who tells you... .

A wise person said to me, you lived this pattern of unhealthy behavior, why do you need a diagnosis to justify your own feelings.

Your feelings are real and they matter.

[Eric1]

Well, it's my birthday. She hasn't messaged & I doubt she will.

I shouldn't have told her not to contact anymore when that's the opposite of what I want. I miss her a lot & I shouldn't. I shouldn't be crying on my birthday, but I am.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I almost have to contact her.

[Bach Cantatas]

Well, it's my birthday. She hasn't messaged & I doubt she will.

I shouldn't have told her not to contact anymore when that's the opposite of what I want. I miss her a lot & I shouldn't. I shouldn't be crying on my birthday, but I am.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I almost have to contact her.

I felt as you do just one month ago. Same reasons, same feelings. Stand fast and hold firm! The change in my feelings from then on have been remarkable. You WILL slowly recover if you hold firm.

[Eric1]

I've got the urge to contact her & say that we can make exemptions on Birthdays.

I was doing well, but since i've told her we can have any contact, i'm really struggling.

[Bach Cantatas]

I've got the urge to contact her & say that we can make exemptions on Birthdays.

I was doing well, but since i've told her we can have any contact, i'm really struggling.

"Birthday Contact" risks drawing you back into her orbit. In a few hours this date will be history and your future will still be in YOUR hands if you keep resolute ERic!

[Eric1]

I don't know why I’m hung up on it. She was nasty, spiteful & deceitful. But, i miss the good times. I do miss our chats & our banter. We had the same humour, taste in music. We could sit there and chat whilst drinking about everything. It would usually end up in an arugement come the end, but i sort of miss that too.

I've been seeing a girl, its too soon, i know. She is kind, sweet & pretty. But,  we just don't have the same connection.

It feels like i will never find someone like her again. I know i shouldn't want to because she destroyed me, but when we did connect it was amazing.

I've never wanted her to reach out to me before. She must know its my birthday, but i suppose she's only agreeing to the no contact.

[NiceGuy83]

We had the same humour, taste in music.

Actually, you probably didn't.  BPD people mirror those they are around.  With another, different guy, she will like all of his music, etc.  I found this out with my most recent ex, who mirrored my atheist views for two years, then mirrored the religious views of her new BF once we split.

I've been seeing a girl, its too soon, i know. She is kind, sweet & pretty. But,  we just don't have the same connection.

It is probably far too soon, and you run the risk of hurting this new girl.  But you do need to recognise that the connection you had with your ex was probably false.  True love is not based on finding an exact replica of yourself; it's in valuing another person for their differences as much as their similarities to you.

I've never wanted her to reach out to me before. She must know its my birthday, but i suppose she's only agreeing to the no contact.

Be honest, never?  Or every day?  When these breakups are fresh and raw, we torment ourselves.  We try to get the 'power back' by saying we want NC, but secretly we want that to prompt them to chase US.  She won't do that, it would seem.  So now you want to reach out to her... . why?  What you had seems most likely to be done now.  If you got back with her, could it ever be good?  Could it ever work? 

Were you truly miserable and lost before you met her?  I hope not.  If the answer s 'Yes', you probably need to address those issues soon.  If the answer is 'No', then that shows that you CAN be happy without her, but you need to give yourself a chance, and stop tormenting yourself over contact etc. 

I feel for you buddy.  Try to stay strong.  Clearly other girls like you, and you WILL be happy again, but I don't think 'rebounding' is the way to heal the pain.

[Eric1]

The thing is, she did genuinly have the same taste in music as me. There was some stuff she didn't like, but she told me that. The way our humour worked was we could laugh at whatever situation we were in. Unless, of course she was in a bad mood, then we wouldn't. But, even watching TV we would laugh together. She made me laugh, really laugh.

I was happy before i met her. I let myself go in the relationship, didn't get fat or anything, but i couldn't really go to the gym because i didn't have the time & thats what really gives me my confidence. So, im back in the gym.

I live on my own. I have friends, but its upsetting knowing that she was going to live me with me & when i finish work, i got home to an empty house.

I don't want to hurt this other girl, because it's not fair on her, so i'm going to tell her that at this moment in time, i'm not in a mentally strong enough place to warrant a relationship of any kind.

I know time heals all, but when you feel like you've lost the love of your life, it cripples you.

I did think she was my soulmate & i think thats why i put up with so much ___.

[NiceGuy83]

Eric, there can be plenty of good times in a BPD relationship, or we wouldn't get into them.  But soul-mates don't make you put up with 'so much ___'.

It sounds like you have confidence issues around your image - that's pretty common around us nons, but be aware that how you looked probably had very little to do with a BPD's person's feelings towards you... . despite anything to the contrary they may have said, good or bad.  It's about finding someone they can manipulate and control.

My last ex went into complete denial over the manipulation point, when I challenged her on it.  This is despite the fact that, as part of her AA recovery program, she had made a list of all of her previous relationships, and how she had behaved badly in them.  One of two words came up for every single guy (sometimes both words)... . 'manipulate' and 'torture'.  They can admit it to themselves; they can be conscious that they are doing it... . but they can rarely be THAT honest about themselves to you, as the SO. 

[Eric1]

You're right. I think my confidence took a battering when i was in the relationship. One of my close friends pulled me to oneside after the break up and said to me "What has happened to you?"


And... . as i'm typing... . she's texted. I haven't opened it.

[NiceGuy83]

Oh man, tell me about it!  I literally CRIED on the shoulder of a friend at his own birthday party!  And I'm usually the life and soul of parties!

What do you want to do with the text, Eric?  Curiousity is a killer, but do you think the contents will help, or recycle your emotions to a bad place again?  If the latter... . why not just hit delete?  And continue to do so for any more she sends?  Do you think you can do that, buddy? 

[Eric1]

I think it's just wishing me happy birthday, which is what i did want.

I can't desribe the elation of seeing the name pop up, but i'm ___ scared of opening it.

[Hazelrah]

I think it's just wishing me happy birthday, which is what i did want.

I can't desribe the elation of seeing the name pop up, but i'm ___ scared of opening it.

Will it help if we wish you happy birthday, and you ignore the text?

Lord, do I understand that feeling of fear you describe when seeing a text or an e-mail from that person... . and I was with a helpless waif with limited instances of raging.  It is such an unnatural feeling to have.  I've taken to turning my phone off and ignoring e-mail for stretches. 

[NiceGuy83]

Haha, Hazelrah makes a great point.  Happy Birthday, Eric! :D

Bud, I know that feeling of being both excited to have the contact, but frightened it will be hurtful... . or even worse, that it will be nice, and confuse me further.

It is kind of telling that despite you wanting NC, she has ignored your spoken wishes, and done what she wants to do, regardless.  Buddy, whatever's in that text, I doubt any good will come over tearing yourself up.  Either read it or delete it.  What have you got planned for the weekend?  Drinks with your friends to celebrate your birthday?

[haliewa1]

After months of NC I saw that my exBPDgf had called me and left a message.  I can't tell you how my stomach churned and the urge to not open the message was stronger than the urge to listen to it.  I deleted it and have to say I am better off for doing so.  What a circus I have entered into with this person I thought was my "forever" partner? 

[slimmiller]

If you delete it, you are taking a giant step forward.

If you read it you are playing Russian Roulette with your heart.

[haliewa1]

A question you may want to ask yourself is whether or not the pain of continuing this type of cyber gymnastics is worth wasting one more minute of your time?  It's easy to say move on and it's not so easy to do it but when you consistently stay away from this contact, that will mark the beginning of your healing and all you have to do at that point is quietly wish the next "boyfriend" the best because he will need it, badly!

[Eric1]

I still haven't opened it. I'm off out for some beers now with friends & I don't want to know what it says. I'll wait till I'm in private and see.

I did say that we can't have any contact, but I assume she'll mention this and say she just wanted to say happy birthday.

It's crazy how somebody can get you reacting in this way.

[Eric1]

Looked at the text, it said sorry to text but I have to happy birthday hope you're having a good day.

Didn't reply.

She then tried calling me twice. It's 1:00am English time.

I don't know what to do.

[Eric1]

So,

I had a phone call this morning from her. I awnsered as i was still in a daze from last night. She appologised for trying to call as she said it was not fair. But, we had a chat for a good 30 mins. Didn't mention anything about the relationship, but the phone call was quite good. It has actually helped me.

She said that i'm the only one that doesn't seem to judge her. She's fallen out with her work friend over a night out because she got drunk & angry (standard). She still hates her job and is miserable about it (standard), sound as if she's over spending, shes started smoking full time, which she kept telling me she thinks she now as asthma. She was driving home after being out last night, don't know who with & i don't want to know. But, she kept asking for reasurance because she was going to bunk off work.

It's made me wake up, that even though i'm out of her life, she still can't register and find happiness.

I was going to ask if she wanted to meet for a coffee, so i can sit her down and tell her what i think is up with her, but i really don't know if thats my place to.

[slimmiller]

It's made me wake up, that even though i'm out of her life, she still can't register and find happiness.

I was going to ask if she wanted to meet for a coffee, so i can sit her down and tell her what i think is up with her, but i really don't know if thats my place to.

Untill one can be happy on their own, they can not add much to anothers life. They are looking to take from you to fill their lack and with BPD thats what they do. They suck it out of you by seducing you and making you vulnerable. Its NEVER about you, always about them. If it seems to be about you its because she is propping you up (emotionally) to then cut you down. Its like a gardener plants and nurtures a plant only to cut it down and harvest it.

As for you meeting her for coffee and trying to 'fix' her by telling her her problem, its like sticking your finger into a bee hive and hoping you wont get stung. If she wanted to fix what she lacks, she would already be looking for that. She is looking to feed her emptiness (thus she contacts you because in her own words, you dont judge her) She has no need to fix anything as longs as you are talking to her. You are that 'fix'

I sat mine ex BPD down and had an in-depth two hour convo including showing her several books on it, and she GOT it. The very next day, she completely FORGOT it and it was back to the same of ___. She had again made contact with *him*  so she didnt need to face her problems.

My point is, do what you have to but I would bet almost anything that its completely futile and in the end she will just suck more out of you

[Eric1]

It's made me take notice that not much has changed for her, where i am taking steps to change myself.

I still care for her deeply, whether i should or not. And i'm now, after the elation of speaking to her is dying, starting to miss her again. I suppose thats what happens tho.

[Blade99d]

Eric,

I am in a similar boat.  Have not seen my ex in 3+ months now, have not texted with her in nearly 3 months, yet I think about her daily.  Ive said in several posts how much fun we had, and for some reason, i cant seem to find that fun without her.  Maybe it isnt her, so much as having someone in my life period.  She as left me devastated, but she has also made me take a deep look at myself and for the first time in my adult life, I am talking to a T bout my issues.  So I am thankful to her in an odd way.  I do know this, in a normal relationship people dont have wild crazy unprotected sex on the first date.  I do know this, in a normal relationship you dont get hammered drunk with your SO every night.  I do know this, in a normal relationship, both persons feelings and opinions matter, not just the queen bee's.  But, knowing all this, I still spend a tremendous amount of time saying what if, or maybe if I had done this instead of that... . this is hard unlike any challenge I have had in life. 

[me757]

I still care for her deeply, whether i should or not. And i'm now, after the elation of speaking to her is dying, starting to miss her again. I suppose thats what happens tho.

It's very simple what you need to do. It's also very hard because you get addicted to BPD's. NC. You talked to her, got your high, and now are craving the next hit. This doesn't end until you end it. It took me 7 months after I broke up with my BPDex to realize this. Don't invite her out for coffee. You are still trying to fix her, which is how a lot of us get sucked back in. It'll only send you back even further. Do you want to be unemotionally available while she hooks up with a new guy and uses you? It's the ultimate sign of disrespect. Respect and love yourself and go NC. What I did was send my ex an email saying what I wanted and initiated NC. It wasn't an email to get a response out of her or to get her back. That's the important part. Don't use NC to get them back, get away. Mine was an email so that I could end it with peace and even though she has called me 10 times and left texts begging to talk to me, I haven't responded. I feel so much better now 23 days later of NC. I feel my self worth coming back because I took back my power and will not be her orbiter or shoulder to cry on. The girl is using you to soothe her pains and will drop you as soon as she knows she has you again hence why she texted on your bday to make sure you were still hooked. It's that simple. You're more than a band-aid and if you move on from this, you can find a better person who realizes that.

[Spartan999]

I don't chime in too often,  but you are in a position I got put in a few times,  where my ex reached out and shocked me with contact.   But to her,  I was just a random old friend to catch up on her hilites of things that were not going here way... . Air conditioning quit working,  one of her best guy friends that she had put in the friend zone was now begging her to date again,  and that they now 'no longer talk' after 7 years of friendship (no sympathy from me on that one, obviously he was addicted as well),   someone tried to break in her house,   etc... etc... .    I was thinking a reconnect was happening if I just was super cool and relaxed,  because hey, SHE contacted me out of the blue... .  but I GOT USED... .  Like you, I thought hey,  her life isn't all that peachy,  so for a brief moment I felt some relief... .  but basically I validated all her behavior and treatment of me,  by listening, playing dumb, and saying kind things to her.    On each of the three random contacts,  I fell for the fantasy thinking,  and all 3 times,  she dropped me on my head like a ROCK once her 'crisis' was over.    LIKE A ROCK,  not even a thank you have a nice day... . months separated each of those repetitive scenarios.      I know now how weak we are at truly accepting the reality of their behavior and actions.   My birthday is coming up in 9 days,  and my last contact was by her 3 days before her birthday in June... . we engaged for 3 days leading me all the way into doing what I would have normally not reached out and done, and that was calling her and eventually sending her best wishes for her birthday by text... . she thanked me,  NEVER HEARD from again.    AND thus the continued crux of the detachment,  is that my birthday represents a NO WIN situation until the point in time I'm truly disconnected in my thoughts... . Because if she sends a text wishing me happy birthday (having dropped me on my head after that was the LAST thing I spoke to her,  KINDNESS she did not deserve),   then she will feel good about herself,   and if I reply,   she wins,  she gets validated in her behavior again... .  There would have been NO sincerity behind it if I get a text,  just a moment of feeling obligated, to cover her bases... . it will have Z E R O meaning.    Now, if she texts me and I do not reply,  then she can feel at peace knowing I was now the shallow guy who had no class to even respond back,  which will continue to justify how she wants to percieve me.

My thoughts in summation... . I've been where you are,  the exact sense of feeling good seeing they are not living the perfect life,  but then finding out I was being used, the short contact and momentary feeling of validation was FALSE and ended up ripping the scabs off  ALL 3 TIMES... . and I'm starting to go from heartbroken to hateful... .    they do NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.    Oh, how I dread my birthday coming up as well, and knowing contact or no contact will be in the back of my head and will leave me disturbed no matter what.   And that is subconsciously a switch I cannot prepare for and turn off.