Well, day 7 of NC

[seeking balance]

From this description (www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issues) I don't have abandonment issues, I am 'You can't do enough for your partner, and you're a giver. You don't understand why he doesn't appreciate you' though. I loved her, plain and simple. I'm still idolizing what I thought we would have & achieve. Hence the necessity of NC, to help me detach.

I don't have a therapist as I cant afford one.

I'm learning everyday about myself, who i am, what I brought to the relationship, what I done to cause issues in the relationship and i'm working on them.

What Lessons and workshops have you found to be helpful as you detach?

Regarding your abandonment issues - considering you are the one making contact with her, sounds like that might look like an abandonment triggered action (for the record, 99% of us here have this issue) - have you ever read this workshop - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

[Eric1]

Think I need to sit down and read through them.

I think the fact i struggle with No contact is an issue. All it does is cause more grief, but I keep doing it.

Not anymore. I'm dead set on NC now.

Also, drinking on the weekends really doesn't help. Alchol is a depressant. At the time, i'm having fun, but the following hangover, i feel miserable. So, for the time being, i need to stop going out.

[seeking balance]

Think I need to sit down and read through them.

I think the fact i struggle with No contact is an issue. All it does is cause more grief, but I keep doing it.

Not anymore. I'm dead set on NC now.

Also, drinking on the weekends really doesn't help. Alchol is a depressant. At the time, i'm having fun, but the following hangover, i feel miserable. So, for the time being, i need to stop going out.

NC is great for detaching, but it is still only a tool.

Detaching requires the ability to understand our own emotions and why we do something, how to self-soothe in a more healthy manner.

I think you might really find value in reading the lessons and moving to the Personal Inventory board to work on your own issues - it might help you maintain the NC that you seem to be striving for.

[Eric1]

I've been trying to keep myself busy this evening. Decorating my house. I usually enjoy my own company, but all I can do now is think. I've tried doing everything to stop.

It's good she ignored me, as I need it.

What I am starting to think about is her with this new bloke, being intimate & it's really killing me.

Not pleasant at all.

[seeking balance]

Not pleasant at all.

no, detaching is not pleasant at all - I agree

Meditation helps - because it trains your mind to notice thoughts but let them go.  Your mind can be trained like any other muscle... .it takes practice, patience, diligence and discipline.

[willbegood]

Eric, do you have a link to your story with your ex?

[Eric1]

Gives a basic outline... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206311.msg12289569#msg12289569

[Eric1]

I think why I'm struggling again is the realisation that its 100% over. No recycles, no reconciliations, no more contact.

[Eric1]

Willbegood, This is the correct link https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206105.msg12288112#msg12288112

[willbegood]

I think why I'm struggling again is the realisation that its 100% over. No recycles, no reconciliations, no more contact.

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. We have to keep in mind that some of our feelings are just normal feelings when a relationship ends.

My ex burned me so many times with guys on the side that I can't remember it all. She'd even text to let me know she was on her way to his house and would be busy the rest of the night. Then text in the morning to let me know exactly what they did. So I'm pretty numb to it all and don't care what she's doing while with another guy. But I think it naturally runs through our heads from time to time about what they're doing with their new partner.

[willbegood]

Willbegood, This is the correct link https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206105.msg12288112#msg12288112

I agrued back at times and shouted back because i couldn't take it anymore, but thats all that is every remembered.

Yep classic! Happened all the time and we end up apologizing every time and what they did gets swept under the rug. And when you stand up for yourself and don't apoligize they go NC and end up with a new man (which they probably already had on the side).

[Aussie0zborn]

What I am starting to think about is her with this new bloke, being intimate & it's really killing me. Not pleasant at all.

Oh boy, that was killing me, too. Maybe even one of the reasons I went back. I know now that it wasnt worth it, never was and never will be. She has a new guy now and I don't even think about it. In fact, that's good for me because there will be no recycle attempt.  By ignoring you she has done you a favour, you might not know how big of a favour yet, but you will see it more and more as you heal.

Eric, you need to keep yourself busy as I try to each day. Thinking of her being intimate is not going to help.  How can you get over this?

Willbegood : why haven't you blocked her number? I would say she obviously knows you have feelings for her and she is hitting you where it hurts. Why do you punish yourself so?

[Eric1]

I'm trying to keep busy, but everything I do still gets me thinking about her.

I think about her in the gym, whilst i'm decorating, whilst i'm with friends, whilst i'm at work. Nothing helps.

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

[willbegood]

Willbegood : why haven't you blocked her number? I would say she obviously knows you have feelings for her and she is hitting you where it hurts. Why do you punish yourself so?

The final straw was last weekend. She's blocked as much as she possibly can be.

[willbegood]

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.

[Eric1]

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.

I think you're right. Maybe taking some time away from these boards etc will help stop me ruminating about everything.

[Scout99]

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.

I think you're right. Maybe taking some time away from these boards etc will help stop me ruminating about everything.

Actually the only thing that will make it better is time, together with acceptance... .Accepting the feelings and thought you have right now for what they are and allow them to be there... .Yes, allow it to feel sucky right now. instead of trying everything you have to flee from those feelings... .You don't really need to do anything... .instead you need to just accept things for what they are... .And go about your life as usual... .

Destraction is not going to make the feelings go away... .Distraction is working if it makes it possible for you to allow also other things to enter your mind and heart at the same time... .

What we often don't get is that happiness and pain are not opposites on a scale... .they are instead two different scales that can exist side by side... .That is we can actually feel happy and ok with ourselves and life, at the same time as we are going through painful things... .But the key to that is acceptance... .Allowing all our feelings and thought to exist, acknowledging their presence and then choose which ones we want to indulge in for the time being... .

Trying to run away from feelings or suppress that they are there will just bring more misery... .Allow yourself, Eric to feel the pain. instead of trying to either solve the situation with her or run away from it all together... .Try to do nothing and just allow yourself to feel what you feel. so it can work itself through your system and be allowed to subside... .

Best Wishes as always to you buddy! hang in there... .You are growing... .And that too is painful at times... .but still great! 

Scout99

[Eric1]

Appreciate the advice, scout.

I should just accept that i'm getting over a break-up, i can't rush it, not much will take the pain away apart from time.

[SeekerofTruth]

Sobering:

    "Happily ever after" is only in fairy tales, and that's EXACTLY what this story in your head is: Pure fiction. The true story is that you were looking to her to make you whole and she was looking to you too make her whole. This is unhealthy and not a great basis for ANY long term relationship, especially when one partner is seriously mentally ill with BPD.

Even if she is not BPD, what are the facts? She was abusive, violent, and manipulative. Is this really the kind of person you truly believe is your "soulmate"? A person who treats you terribly much of the time? A person who crushes your soul? Is this what you believe you truly deserve? Is your sense of self-worth that low that you choose to confuse abuse with love?

This is something you have to work out for yourself. The problem is you're being distracted by her, and that's why NC is such a powerful tool for working on yourself. It gives you time and space to work on your own issues without the distractions. You need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself because these are obviously two things she'll never do for you!

[lisasport]

I'm going threw same thing. Day 5. The longer the better. 

[heartandwhole]

We've reached the four page limit and this thread is now locked.  Feel free to start a new topic if you'd like to continue the discussion.