Will you tell us more about yourself?

[DoneMom]

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody I know of
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She”s creative, artistic and very stubborn and persistent.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Feeling “abandoned”, no motivation to change, denial of having BPD, blaming me and my husband (her stepdad) for her problems in spite of us trying so many ways to help her.  She has no plan or direction for her life.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Suicide threats, She won’t work/take financial responsibility, tries to cause conflict between my husband and l (her stepdad of 10 years) Desperate clinging to me and blaming me for her situation & her extreme abandonment feelings, she won’t take responsibility for even the simple things in her life, She has hypochondria and her puts herself in scary, dangerous situations constantly. She was raped in 2018.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed
Diagnosed but in denial
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt, Grief, Fear, Shame, I’ve put my husband (her stepdad) through absolute hell such that he now has PTSD.  I started to drink to cope with the pain, which only makes things worse.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 DD24 has been in therapy for years with various counselors - several who’ve tried DBT.  I myself went for a year with an excellent counselor who has BPD family experience.  My husband also went to PSTD counseling because of the toll it’s taken on him.  We both practice vipassana meditation, which helps.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Independence and healthy relationships all around, practicing better self care...plus setting boundaries with her that protect us and encourage her to help herself.

What is your sexual orientation?
Straight, married

Who in your life has "personality" issues:
Child, my DD24
   
Re: Will you tell us more about yourself?

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of a 24 year old daughter w/BPD.  Wife of 10 years to a wonderful, compassionate  partner.  Daughter to an elderly sick mother who needs constant help from my husband and I to remain alive, semi-independent and well...we spend at least 8 hours a day between us devoted to her care, every single day.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She is smart, creative & extremely strong willed.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?

She lies constantly & is untrustworthy. She can be physically violent.  She threatens suicide and self harm if she doesn’t get her way 100% of the time.  She is unwilling to work a regular job to support herself, she is very stubborn, controlling and very manipulative.  She continues to want to ‘die on my doorstep”.  She pushes me beyond what I and my husband can do for her and treats me with great disrespect.  She blames me for her problems and will not take advantage of the generous therapeutic help we’ve offered even though we have given her that option for years & paid thousands of dollars for her to do it.  She says she only has BPD “tendencies” without acknowledging actual BPD.  She has constant trouble with breaking the law and maintaining healthy relationships.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The disregard and disrespect for me & how much we’ve tried to help her, the lying she does to try and shame and hurt me.  The physical violence against my husband and myself.  Her drug use and her stealing mine plus my elderly mother’s pain meds, which we both need to function.  The threats she makes (suicide,#1) and “I will call your doctor and tell her you abuse your medications “ (not even remotely true)...mostly her trying to hurt me and my husband as much as she can when we set up boundaries that don’t suit her.
 
How would you categorize your child?
Diagnosed w/ BPD, depression and anxiety.
 
What do you struggle with?
The fear that she will carry out her self harm & suicide threats and that she will hurt my husband and myself either emotionally or physically.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
We’ve all been in therapy -  her the most.  The best therapist she saw was a BPD specialist for over a year.  This particular therapist was abruptly dismissed by my daughter after a serious & nearly successful suicide attempt. My DD ended up with an involuntary submission to a mental hospital after she took more than enough drugs to kill herself in a town that was a 6 hour drive ( one way).  My ex (her dad), her ex long term boyfriend - who witnessed her suicide attempt and I were brought in to talk to her therapist and DD saw that as a huge betrayal because the therapist confirmed her BOD diagnosis to us.  DD then ended up writing negative reviews for her therapist online to try to destroy her reputation & excellent ratings by other patients.
 I have seen a therapist myself, as has my husband to cope with the trauma my daughter has inflicted.  My husband ( her stepdad for 10/years) has been diagnosed with. PTSD due to her abuse.

We are looking for a break for some self care. Example:  My husband & I spent 5 hours in the ER today with my 83 year old mother who had a bad fall this morning.  She has. COPD, trigeminal neuralgia plus a whole bunch of other health issues.  We are her main caretakers. It was extremely stressful.  We need to focus on her needs now and have to have some distance from my extremely needy daughter to keep our sanity!
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blind1]

What type of relationship are you in?
Biological mother of 18 yr old daughter with BPD. Married to her step-dad for 13 yrs. Divorced her dad when she was 1.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
He biological dad has had depression and since her diagnosis, I can see he has traits of BPD too.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She is very artistic and was in the National Arts Society. She is beautiful and loves to do hair/makeup/nails. She wants to go into Cosmetology.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Denial of the diagnosis, inability to hold a job or keep a relationship, extremely low self-esteem.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The constant denial of any fault and refusal to be responsible.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She is beautiful and when she's good, she is sweet and loving and funny. When she's down she lays around and plays the victim looking for sympathy.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 I am controlling and impatient so changing my thinking in order to be able to communicate better with her and try to help her has been difficult. I also struggle with wanting her to move out because I'm tired yet knowing she is sick and probably never be able to fend for herself.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
I am seeing her old therapist hoping to gain some insights and technics to help her. She does also help to keep me grounded and give me some suggestions for myself.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I hope to get ideas from others as well as be able to just vent or get my own feelings out. It's so helpful to know you're not alone and have others who can empathize with you.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[Lost4Words]

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of an adult daughter whose behaviour seems to indicate BPD, but has not been diagnosed as such. During her teenage years she was quite difficult and had frequent furious arguments with her father (who has anger issues, but not, as far as I can see, BPD). We put it down to teenage rebellion at the time,  but it continued through her twenties and seems to be getting worse.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I suspect that my grandmother also had BPD. My daughter never met her, but has uncannily similar behaviours.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She can be very kind and generous. She is also highly intelligent, and where her job is concerned extremely conscientious, indeed perfectionist.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
She is going through divorce (which she initiated) after 6 years of marriage. She is scared that she will not get custody of her 4-year-old daughter, and switches between saying that she wants her not-yet-ex-husband to share custody, that she wants full custody, and that she will leave the child with her father. She wants another relationship, but it seems likely that unless she can recognise why this one failed any future relationships will also end in disappointment.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
1. The way she treats her daughter. She alternates between extreme, almost smothering affection, and anger, with a lot of shouting. When I have ventured to comment in the past, she has told me that I have no right to interfere in the way she brings up her child, and reminds me of mistakes I made in her childhood. If I tell her that I am sincerely sorry for the mistakes I made, she responds "It's not all about you," as though it is somehow selfish to apologise. She seems to treat the little girl more like an accessory to her own image, than as a child with her own character.
2. Fear for her future and for her daughter: it looks as though the divorce is going to be a messy one and will hurt all concerned. If she then rushes into a new relationship, especially if she has a second child, she will be causing more pain both for herself, her new partner, her first child and any future child.
3. Inconsistency: she changes her story every few days, so I feel disoriented and wonder whether I misunderstood her to begin with.
3. It seems impossible to have an honest conversation with her. Mostly I go along with everything she says, whether I agree with it or not. When I have tried to point out an alternative view, she has misunderstand what I have tried to say. Further discussion has not cleared up misunderstandings, but reinforced them. She insists that she wants people to communicate, but all the family members who have been close to her, as well as her now separated husband, have stopped communicating with her sincerely because she appears to misunderstand anything that does not fit in 100% with her own views. I am afraid that I have enabled her bad behaviour in the past by trying to be understanding.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Undiagnosed.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
In the past: long-term depression and low self-esteem. Much better now though.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Her sister suffers from anxiety, but is working through it effectively. She feels that much of her childhood was spent walking on eggshells to avoid her sister becoming over-emotional. The relationship between the two has worsened in the past few months.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Inspiration for how I can begin to re-establish a good relationship with her, in which I can be both honest and supportive instead of insincere and frustrated. We live in different countries and communication is usually via the internet. At present she is not communicating with me at all, and only communicating with her father when she wants him to do something for her (e.g. obtain administrative papers here).
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[Done-er Stepdad]

Relationship:

Very reluctant stepdad.

Her greatest strength:

Convincing people that she's just a confused Zoey Dasschel-type ingenue who loves the Lord.

Her greatest challenge:

She's aging out of the role. No new meal ticket apparent on the horizon.

Dealing with her:

Uh, no thanks. At Christmas, we had a tense gift exchange. Not spoken since. If I see her on the caller ID, I just let it ring. Last time I picked up, she threatened to have some ex-boyfriend come over and kick my azz when I told her her mom was sleeping and I wouldn't wake her.

Diagnosed?

Yes, and many books offered to her. But as Chris Rock said, to some people, a book is like kryptonite. If we had to hide money from her (and we have), we'd hide it in a book.

Struggles:

Some PTSD from it all, and shame that this little tyrant ran my life for too long.

Therapy:

I did better with meditation. Talked to 2 counselors and both told me to run, and I understand that they're sort of not supposed to take sides and say stuff like that to you. But I didn't want to run, so def. some fight/flight resolution to sort thru.

BPD.Forum goals:

To give back some of the kindness that I have received here.

[funnymom]

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother to a 21 yr old daughter with BPD. Divorced from her father. Been with my current husband for 16 years (married for 2).
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
no one that I'm aware of
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She's so very empathetic - to a fault.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Holding down a job/being an adult
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
saying no to her when she gets manic
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 I haven't seen a diagnosis, but she'd been accepted into a BPD treatment program (which she quit)
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
That I "chose" my husband over my daughter.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
I have seen a therapist off and on for years. D21 was in a BPD treatment program, but it was "too much" so she quit
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
to know I'm not alone/maybe get some advice on how to handle things.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[Joi81]

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of a 22 yo daughter with BPD (undiagnosed). I had her when I was 16 yo, and was a single parent throughout her life. She displays extreme anger towards her father about past events and/or inactively engaging in her life. Now, she doesn't have a relationship with him; however, she takes out her anger on me and her paternal grandmother.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one else has BPD, that I'm aware.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
My daughter can be very thoughtful and ambitious.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Anger, impulsivity, unhealthy relationships, drug dependency (marijuana). She has 2 younger children, 2 yo and 1 mo, and I'm very concerned about her ability to keep a safe and stable home for her family.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her temperament and co-dependencies
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
BPD. Undiagnosed. Treated for depression and anxiety when she was a teenager.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
I've been in therapy consistently since April 2019.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I'm looking for a place to vent and feel understood as a parent with no clue.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[BlueLilac]

What type of relationship are you in? Mother

What is the age of child/teen/adult? 13 years old

 Currently, inpatient. Normally, Living at home
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD? Not known.
 
What is your child's strongest quality? She is very smart and artistic
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing? Self-harm, suicide ideation, anorexia
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child? Hypersensitivity. Anything we say can be misinterpreted. She is treatment resistant. She does not want to talk to me or my husband.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed: anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicide ideation, anorexia, BPD, OCPD, Narcissistic
 
What do you struggle with yourself? Anxiety, low level PTSD, low self-esteem
 
Is anyone in therapy? Myself, my other two kids, BPD daughter has therapy as inpatient
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? I feel helpless. I don't know how to help her. I am hoping to find out what helped other parents.

[Ann Alan]

What type of relationship are you in?
 Suspect son has BPD
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?         
 None that we are aware of
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 Exciting, smart, adventurous
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 getting along with others, overcoming stress,depression, letting go of past failures of others
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 repeating calls for helping dealing with his stress at the moment ,any time of day, demanding lengthy conversations about how things of the past have resulted in his problems, divorce, new spouses, then if he is still unhappy, repeated nasty insults. Then periods of being unresponsive when I reach out. very unsettling.
 
How would you categorize your child?  Undiagnosed?
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 knowing or remembering during the heat of the moment the best response
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 I spoke with a councilor for a time,  somewhat helpful, I feel reading about bpd has been more helpful
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 get ideas of what has helped other families
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE
 Logged
My Son's Recovery-In-Progress
 

[Isabel2]

What type of relationship are you in?
My step-daughter has BPD.  Her biological mother passed away when she was 12 and her father and I got married 4 years ago when she was 14.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
We suspect her biological mother had BPD but was never diagnosed
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
She is very intelligent and has been successful at school when she focused on it.  She is artistic, draws very well and has a good eye for photography.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Being an independent adult.  She is 18...almost 19. She won't get her drivers license, won't get a job and basically will not "adult".  We worry that she will never take any responsibility for herself and will always want us to just take care of her.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The constant lies, manipulation and not taking responsibility for her actions/blaming others.  We never know what is true and how she is trying to manipulate us and others to get what she wants.  The smear campaigns when she lies to others about us and other people making false accusations of abuse to get what she wants and guilt people into taking care of her.  Her disease of the week - she always has "new" diseases, conditions, allergies, and pains that require medical attention.  We never know what to believe...some we know are "fake" illnesses others we are not sure but we don't know what to help and what to tell her we are not assisting with all of her "needed" medical appointments, specialists etc.   
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
Supporting my husband and the effects it has on him, deciding on appropriate boundaries, and the negative effects it has on my two biological kids who are minors in the house.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types? My husband and I have been in therapy as needed to deal with issues and boundaries.  My two biological children are both in therapy for depression. My step-daughter is currently in a psychiatric hospital and we are not sure for how long she will be there.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To know we are not alone and see ideas of what has helped others through this difficult journey.
 

[old97]

What type of relationship are you in?
 My long-term (10+ years) partner's 21 yo daughter has BPD. Partner and her daughter live together. I live separately, but close by. My partner is "Sue", her daughter is "Jane".
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
 Sue's sister (Jane's aunt) displays behaviors which could be BPD. The aunt has been diagnosed as bi-polar, but after learning more about BPD, we wonder if her diagnosis is incorrect.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 Jane is highly creative. She has, in the past, been able to really commit to activities which interest her. In elementary and middle school, she had a lot of friends and a very active social life. Many of her positive traits have eroded since her symptoms began to seriously manifest themselves.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Uncontrollable rages directed at her mother. She has alienated almost all of her friends and extended family. She has been unemployed for long stretches.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Her rage, her refusal to accept responsibility for her situation.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Not officially diagnosed, but just started working with a DBT therapist.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 I have had problems with anger throughout my life, although it has subsided some as I get older. I am judgmental and slow to forgive.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Jane (BPD) is seeing a DBT therapist. Sue (BPD's mother, my partner) is also talking to a therapist in the same practice. I have been in individual therapy and couples therapy with Sue until recently.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 Find a way to support Sue and better accept Jane. Let go of my anger and judgement.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[Tiny Llama]

What type of relationship are you in?
 I have been married for 24 years and have a 21 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. We adopted our daughter when she was an infant.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Only our daughter has BPD.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 She is a very intelligent person.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Abandonment, low-self worth
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Trying to understand her decisions.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Officially diagnosed with PTSD but current therapist believes BPD.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 Regulating my emotions and self care.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Yes, daughter is in RTC and parents too
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 To find support and insight on how to love and support my daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JD2028]

What type of relationship are you in?
 I have been married for 21years. I have a 16 yo daughter and a 14 yo daughter. My 14yo is the one afflicted with bpd
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Only our daughter has BPD.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 She is a very intelligent person.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Extremely low self esteem, perhaps addiction issues, she is being preyed upon in school and social situations, no self image/awareness
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 How can I keep her alive long enough that she wants to change

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 She's only 14 so they dx her with "BPD CHARACTERISTICS"

What do you struggle with yourself?

 "Regulating my emotions and self care."
 Same

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 daughter- Group DBT telehealth; individaul SW talk therapy; NP for meds
Mom- finally had an appt this morning and the lady didn't call/ft or reach out
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Insight and solace- I'm not alone. This is not in any parenting book and no one else can understand. I just want to talk to people who know what I'm saying

[MamaBear_2021]

What type of relationship are you in?
 
Married. Husband is stepfather to my three kids since 2009.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

My mother (maternal grandmother)
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 
Intelligent
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?

Auditory hallucinations, emotional regulation, distress tolerance.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 
Right now, her behavior is really triggering my unresolved anger at my mother (who has BPD too).
Enforcing boundaries with her always leads to a fight.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

Diagnosed at 18 years old.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?

Depression on and off. Intergenerational trauma, multigenerational trauma. I've been working on my well being and healing consistently since 2013.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?

I see a therapist, my daughter refuses at this point in time.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am seeking insight, support sometimes, too. I'd like to be able to help others here as well.

[bat-leaf]

What type of relationship are you in?
 I'm a mom of a 22 year old daughter newly diagnosed with BPD.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I think my sister, my daughter's aunt, might have BPD. Possibly my mother.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 Witty, creative, intelligent, sense of style
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 relationships, interpersonal effectiveness and self-advocacy, coping skills, adult launch
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 paranoid delusions, fixation on negative beliefs
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 diagnosed
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 exhaustion, boundaries, not knowing how best to help
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 me, dad, sister are in family therapy, I'm in individual therapy
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Learn more about BPD, share experiences with other families, get support for navigating difficult decisions, support others
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[Hartseer61]

b]What type of relationship are you in?[/b]
Mother to BPD Daughter
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Father has BD, both grandmothers suffered from depression in their lifetime. I have not been as yet diagnosed but I do feel we all have something
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
Very intelligent, artistic, has a good work ethic, can be very loving and thoughtful
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Just 21.. sense of self, struggling to be the adult, personal relationships, emotion control, reality control
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Her father is not really in the picture.. and I am the enemy
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Recently diagnosed thru therapist
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 What feels like the loss of my daughter, the seeming inability to reach  her, though she depends on me for a great deal, if I cannot do something I’m evil and I’m evil if I do
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Daughter is seeing a therapist but he would like her find one that is set up to treat bpd, I am currently in therapy but struggling to do the things I’m being guided to do
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To learn how to best support my daughter.. and the rest of our family through this
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[RedMom22]

What type of relationship are you in?
  MOM TO 18 Y/O DAUGHTER (AND 20 Y/O SON)
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  NO ONE (THAT I KNOW OF)
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
  SHE IS A NATURAL NURTURER...SMALL CHILDREN AND ANIMALS GRAVITATE TOWARDS HER.
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  DRUG ABUSE, LEGAL TROUBLE, INDEPENDENT LIVING
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  NOT BEING ABLE TO ANTICIPATE WHEN A RAGE/EPISOSE WILL HAPPEN
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  CURRENTLY WORKING WITH PROVIDERS TO FORMALLY DIAGNOSE BPD.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
  KEEPING MY OWN BOAT OUT OF HER RAGING WATERS AND TRYING TO STILL BE LOVING TOWARDS HER WHEN I FEEL OVERWHELMINGLY ANGRY, BETRAYED, DISRESPECTED, ETC
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
  YES. SHE IS CURRENTLY IN A PHP (partial hospitalization program) FOR DUAL DIAGNOSIS. SHE HAS ALSO BEEN IN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY FOR  4 YEARS.
  I SEE A THERAPIST EVERY FEW WEEKS TO HELP ME LEARN BETTER STRATEGIES/COPE WITH HER AND JUST A SAFE PLACE TO VENT.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  TO LEARN MORE STRATEGIES / GET ADVICE FROM OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME, NOT A THERAPIST BECAUSE THEY CAN ONLY HELP SO MUCH. OTHER BPD PARENTS HAVE A PERSPECTIVE NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE.

[Simon1969]

What type of relationship are you in?
 Mother to 4 daughters, one of whom (nearly 17) I strongly suspect has BPD.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
It is possible that I, too, have it.  Just now starting to look into all of this.

What is your child's strongest quality?
 Deep compassion
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Serious emotional disregularity, anger, inability to function in daily life on a consistent basis
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Her refusal to accept more intensive help
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Officially undiagnosed.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 Resentment of the chaos she causes.  I also have depression, anxiety and alcohol abuse issues, so it's a lot.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 I am taking a break from individual therapy I've been in for over 3 years; youngest dd (14) is in individual therapy for her own issues; DD with BPD is currently not in therapy due to lack of cooperation on her part.  We live in an incredibly remote area of a very poor state when it comes to prioritizing mental health care.  We have no accessible IOP program, and DD is adamantly refusing any sort of inpatient care.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Guidance and support from other parents of teens dealing with this, and hopefully some resources to find some better official medical/psych. help for her.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

[WorriedStep]

What type of relationship are you in?
 Stepmother to three women: 18, 22, 24– I’m writing now because of the 18yo. She lived with me and her father full time from age 4 (other girls were 8, 10) when I met them.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Maybe the biological mother; maybe biological grandmother (deceased). All three step daughters have traits of BPD, only youngest has actually been diagnosed (to my knowledge).
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 Fun, high energy, caring wants to be part of a team, good with small children, loves to play
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Huge fears over graduating high school; college; both wanting independence and terrified of it. Lots of interpersonal problems, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Very little self awareness. Poor impulse control.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Lack of initiative for anything in her life. Massive “spin” added to my words, often completely changing the meaning. Zero ability to follow rules or acknowledge accountability. Also, she constantly wants hugs but doesn’t ask for them with words- over the years I’ve started feeling attacked. I’m not a physical touch person - I didn’t grow up hugging- and the fact that I can’t always hug (because I’m in the middle of doing something) or I don’t want to hug is a constant source of friction. At this point I really resent being told that I need to hug her more (I generally make myself hug her 2x a day) because I feel I’m being forced to compromise my body.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Diagnosed by psych with “BPD traits”- not full diagnosis
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
I wrote about the constant desire for hugging above. In terms of parenting, I find it very hard to know when to let her fail and when it’s appropriate to step in. I also really struggle with how she chooses to spend her time and money (she can’t any money). I’m working hard to accept that I can’t control another person’s actions. She also wastes our money and resources and I get really frustrated with that. She has done suicidal ideation; my mother died by suicide and I really struggle when I think she might be suicidal.

I’m also sad that I don’t enjoy her company; I’m always on guard with what I’m saying, looking for how she will spin it. At this point I find her very draining. There’s so much more I could have given her and guided her with in growing up, but we could never get there or she wouldn’t accept it. It makes me sad.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Yes- she’s currently in the last weeks of an IOP. We’ve been doing family therapy through that (she doesn’t engage in the family therapy, constantly asking if we can be done). Her father and I both have our own therapists.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
- A big goal is to not feel so alone in having children who don’t seem to be functioning very well in the world. I truly think I’m a decent parent and I grieve who they were before their downward spiral started (early senior year for the 18yo). All three had potential and were cognitively much more able to function. It’s like they peak in their junior year of high school. For some foolish reason, I thought this third child wouldn’t have this big crash; I had such high hopes for a “normal” high school senior year, a final year of sports, feeling proud and celebrating (and being able to openly celebrate) with the child.

- I’m looking for strategies to know when to be involved and when not to be involved and how to do that without triggering fear of abandonment. I hope this child ultimately can be independent?

She still plans on going to college 90 minutes from us in the fall- with her current level of functioning I don’t see how she’s going to manage. But we’re going to pay and try it. At the moment I’m trying to only be involved with making sure she’s taken her medicine- so I’ve stopped managing screens, how she spends her money, whether she’s doing homework (she’s not, and I’m not telling her too), whether she’s responding to requests from the school for pictures, etc… almost everything. It’s hard. I don’t think she’s making good decisions. Sometimes I feel I can’t set my expectations low enough.

- I’m looking for ways to take care of myself. I think about her a lot. Looking at old pictures of her younger days makes me so sad- her abilities and potential were so much more. I’m continuing my hobbies and responsibilities (I’m also the guardian of another family member with mental and physical disabilities- similar to Down’s syndrome). I see my friends and spend time with my husband- this seems to upset my pwBPD.

I was going to ask about this in another thread, but I often find it very uncomfortable being in the same house with her. She constantly checks on what I’m doing (I like to get deeply immersed in projects). Now that I’m not guiding her time she chooses to spend almost all of it on a screen. That makes me very sad. I try to do whatever it is that I need to do at the time, but I’m always monitoring her. It’s uncomfortable.

I’m thinking about it because she hasn’t gotten a job for the summer and right now it looks like she’s going to be in the house a lot. She may quickly realize that she has no money (after graduation we’ll stop paying for chores, something she knows but maybe hasn’t really thought about yet) and maybe she’ll find a job? But I’m steeling myself to have to be in the same house with her a lot.

- Learning more about BPD (And maybe DBT) are goals- I’ve read the Eggshell book and a bunch of other stuff online. I get exhausted and frustrated and flat out mad at times and have to stop reading.

Thanks to anyone who has read all of this.