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Author Topic: Devalue and tell us never to contact them again or else...  (Read 11364 times)
myself
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« Reply #30 on: October 10, 2013, 07:11:59 PM »

I heard it all, good and bad. There isn't any middle ground, it's all extremes. It gets to the point where ALL of it is true, and NONE of it is true. In effect, it just cancels itself out. The relationship ceases to exist. You've been abandoned by someone who feared their own abandonment. With enough focus, you find You in the process of healing.

Their attempts to over-control the situation help us free ourselves.

The person they really want no further contact with is themselves, but finding that too hard to admit or change they turn it against others and keep the patterns going.
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Traumatized
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« Reply #31 on: October 10, 2013, 07:45:47 PM »

The person they really want no further contact with is themselves, but finding that too hard to admit or change they turn it against others and keep the patterns going.

That's a very powerful statement right there!
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Onmyown

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« Reply #32 on: October 10, 2013, 08:08:03 PM »

Countless times.

I was told that I was a slut, selfish, self centered, worst girlfriend ever and on and on and on.

I can't write the really bad stuff "(

He would rip me apart and didn't care who was around.

Then the remorse would set in and "I didn't mean any of it, I was just mad."

Sadly, he wouldn't remember most of what he said and did during his "rage"

I let him go, and the relief is amazing because I know I'm none of what he said and he'll never devalue or take my self worth again.
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eeyore
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« Reply #33 on: October 10, 2013, 09:23:45 PM »

Oh, I also forgot to mention that when she was permanently banishing me, she said I would never find anyone to love her the way that she loved me!

I didn't have the same experiences as you but other hurtful experiences.  I also heard a similar comment about how he was so good to me and I wouldn't find anyone who would be as good to me as him. 

I'll admit the good times were wonderful.  But the bad were the some of the most cruel I've ever experienced.  And I always tried to remember the good and forget the bad.
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« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2013, 09:51:46 PM »

Countless times.

I was told that I was a slut, selfish, self centered, worst girlfriend ever and on and on and on.

I can't write the really bad stuff "(

He would rip me apart and didn't care who was around.

Then the remorse would set in and "I didn't mean any of it, I was just mad."

Sadly, he wouldn't remember most of what he said and did during his "rage"

I let him go, and the relief is amazing because I know I'm none of what he said and he'll never devalue or take my self worth again.

When he was drinking, he did so publicly. But otherwise, it was all behind closed doors so that he could maintain his mask of the perfect husband.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2013, 11:05:14 PM »

Excerpt
That's just it, she feels 100% justified doing all those abusive things to me because in her mind everything is my fault and I caused her to do them to me. She takes no responsibility for her actions. She's the victim. I got what I deserved and she's not sorry for anything. In fact, I only got 1/10 of the pain that I've caused her, so there's plenty of room for more revenge against me.

Badly,

She could feel all kinds of ways.  Part of the disorder if its BPD is emotional reactivity to real and perceived slights.  Toss in an emotional overload that diminishes empathy - in this situation empathy is more than just understanding another persons feelings it is connecting the dots between actions and effect on others.  And you get some really bizarre outcomes and rationalizations.  Personal responsibility goes out the window.  When people talk about it like dealing with a child or teenager this is a lot of what is going down.

It's real easy to get caught up in their accusations or let that twisted thinking influence your reality.  It's very important in situations like this to look at the facts and not get swept up in the other persons version of events.  Remind yourself when you find these are chopping away at you - her reality isn't yours. It isn't to say we all handled it impeccably but it is to say that when someone hands you a big helping of ridiculous and a side of complete crap you don't bite into it.

I know its hard - especially when the hurt is fresh.  It also takes some time to see things for what they are/were without it being clouded by grief, loss or denial. 

Be kind to yourself. 

Are you doing any better?
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« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2013, 11:12:06 PM »

Oh, I also forgot to mention that when she was permanently banishing me, she said I would never find anyone to love her the way that she loved me!

I didn't have the same experiences as you but other hurtful experiences.  I also heard a similar comment about how he was so good to me and I wouldn't find anyone who would be as good to me as him. 

I'll admit the good times were wonderful.  But the bad were the some of the most cruel I've ever experienced.  And I always tried to remember the good and forget the bad.

As I re-read the comment I made in bold, I realized it didn't make sense because what I meant to say was:  She said, "I would never find anyone to love ME the way that she loved me."

There that's better.  I don't know how to edit these posts.

I would also say that the good times were GREAT and the bad times were the MOST CRUEL times I've ever experienced with another human being... .especially from someone who claimed to love me.

I always tried to overlook the bad and focus on the good, but that's what got me into so much trouble!

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eeyore
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« Reply #37 on: October 10, 2013, 11:16:40 PM »

Brainwashing... .now you need to brainwash yourself.  YOU are loveable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are _____.  Keep telling that to yourself. 
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« Reply #38 on: October 11, 2013, 12:42:44 AM »

Green Mango:

Thank you for asking me how I'm doing.  That's very kind of you.

I feel sad.  I feel panicked.  I feel like I'm being held in solitary confinement until I break down and confess to something... .or in this case, until I break down and make contact with her.  I know I shouldn't contact her and I'm trying hard not too.  She was the center of my world and I feel so lost without her.  I keep hoping she'll call me again.  I want to see her and talk to her so badly!  I even watched the movie "Carrie" tonight (the original one with Sissy Spacek) because we had planned to go see the remake together and watching the old one was my way of "connecting" with her.
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Aletheia
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« Reply #39 on: October 11, 2013, 01:14:52 AM »

I understand that they move on quickly because they are intolerant of their own company and being alone without a positive mirror in the form of a lover, a dedicated group of co-dependent friends, the birth mother for reassurance etc... .

I don't understand why my ex- stayed for 10 years with a NPD husband who emotionally and physically abused her.

He wasn't a positive mirror (was he?). She is a waif type and the sex was good (controlling and automatic) but 'good'. She said they rarely had sex and she rarely went out as she had 3 kids all the time.

How does this fit in with leaving when the 'all good' mirror is gone? They say BPD/NPD is a likely lasting, if highly dysfunctional, mix.

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Afool

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« Reply #40 on: October 11, 2013, 02:39:06 AM »

Green Mango:

Thank you for asking me how I'm doing.  That's very kind of you.

I feel sad.  I feel panicked.  I feel like I'm being held in solitary confinement until I break down and confess to something... .or in this case, until I break down and make contact with her.  I know I shouldn't contact her and I'm trying hard not too.  She was the center of my world and I feel so lost without her.  I keep hoping she'll call me again.  I want to see her and talk to her so badly!  I even watched the movie "Carrie" tonight (the original one with Sissy Spacek) because we had planned to go see the remake together and watching the old one was my way of "connecting" with her.

I know exactly how you feel and everything that you have described throughout this thread fits to a T. I know exactly what you are going through. My best advice is to be kind to yourself. Know that right now you are in pain, but also know that this pain is NOT going to last forever. You can't shake those good memories because they are why you are in pain. If there weren't any good times, then you wouldn't even care about this person. However, no matter what you think, this has affected her. The problem is that she is living in her own personal hell. She can't deal with how she is like normal people, she is going to just be even more miserable so she uses the mask of hatred so that she never has to look in the mirror and realize just how much SHE F-ed up. You want to talk to her, but man, you're not gonna believe me, but she is doing you a favor. If it went on any longer you would just be even more further from being okay. Look at it like this-- you are now healing. It's gonna take time, probably not today, not tomorrow, next week, maybe not next month. But hold onto that 'maybe' because it is a definitely a possibility, In fact, it's more than a possibility... .I can definitely tell you that one day you are going to be over this. I hate cliche lines, but in time you will see that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
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Escaped 30.Sept.2013
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« Reply #41 on: October 11, 2013, 02:56:51 AM »

Brainwashing... .now you need to brainwash yourself.  YOU are loveable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are _____.  Keep telling that to yourself. 

Uhhh... .I know it sounds a bit extreme, but with the help of friends and agreement of my therapist I have been doing a brainwashing process on myself for nearly two weeks and it's helped enormously.

I had no idea it was possible to do this to yourself, re-programme your brain. But it is.

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houseofswans
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« Reply #42 on: October 11, 2013, 04:04:51 AM »

It bloody hurts. I can't stop feeling I blew it and could have had her back. I seem to forget that at the time I didn't want that... .as I was seriously fed up with her strange behaviours and distancing.

I didn't deserve this treatment.

Alethia, those words could have been written by me.

I too, was seriously fed up with her strange behaviour. In fact, 4 months ago I wrote a long email telling her basically that I'd had enough and wanted out. I was in a better frame of mind then, but unfortunately I didn't send the email, just saved it as a draft. I really wish I'd have sent it now, because it would have come from me. What's gnawing at me is the fact, I think, that I feel rejected because of her new man.

So very odd these feelings within... .
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houseofswans
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« Reply #43 on: October 11, 2013, 04:16:18 AM »

Its really best not to try and work out what they are thinking.

How very true, strikeforce 

I had difficulty enough trying to work out what my ex was thinking whilst I was with her. Now every possible scenario is played out in my head about what she's thinking, not only about me, but her new man. Also what they may or may not be doing at any given time, if they've had their first row, if she's still in the Idealization phase with him, if he's emotionally stable and has started to see the cracks appearing, if they are loved-up, etc, ad nauseum.

The important thing for me is to keep saying my mantra that whatever they are doing has nothing to do with me. She chose to be with someone else, for whatever reason (what she was thinking), despite seeing him when we were still 'officially' together.

Being intimate with someone else is a big thing with me. And it shouldn't be because they are only doing things that she did with me and the countless men before.

This is sent with my positive-head on. Tomorrow may be different and I'll be back at square one... .
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Aletheia
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« Reply #44 on: October 11, 2013, 04:20:47 AM »

Houseofswans

Thanks for responding.

I'm being supported well but I'm in a terribly low place. I've stopped low and feel worse. I've done the Facebook thing, watched her patterns online on Viber and WhatsApp and driven by. All this, all if a sudden. I've gained nothing but strong suspicion there's a new man and hurt that I see plans for Christmas meals out etc with a group of friends.

I feel I want to be part of it all. IT'S CRAZY! I wasn't happy, she had weird behaviours and raged at me when we rowed, went all weird for reasons I don't know. Tried to entice me back with nice talk and then ended it. I didn't even particularly like her friends. They were all rather chips off similar blocks.


So why do I feel so bad for Christ sake?

I agree with others who help me greatly that I need to let it go. Knowing it hurts me is PROGRESS. I need to stay away from all things her.

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houseofswans
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« Reply #45 on: October 11, 2013, 04:24:38 AM »

Sounds a little as if the attention is ok when it's their need but not so good when it's yours, all wrapped into the illness.

Yes.

My ex in our 4 year relationship never got ill apart from one time when she emailed me (why not phone?) to say that she was in bed with a bad cold.

I sent a reply in good humour, making light by suggesting 'alternate' ways of relieving the symptoms, thinking that my words would cheer her up.

Well, her response was such that you'd think she was on her deathbed and I'd refused to say goodbye before she expired.

I was a bad person, couldn't care less, no manners, etc... .

And yet, when she could see that I was in physical discomfort with my back (ongoing, before and after her cold), she never even asked if I was OK.

So, in summary. Yes, attention when they need it is paramount. Drop everything and come running... .
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houseofswans
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« Reply #46 on: October 11, 2013, 04:36:54 AM »

Houseofswans

Thanks for responding.

I'm being supported well but I'm in a terribly low place. I've stopped low and feel worse. I've done the Facebook thing, watched her patterns online on Viber and WhatsApp and driven by. All this, all if a sudden. I've gained nothing but strong suspicion there's a new man and hurt that I see plans for Christmas meals out etc with a group of friends.

I feel I want to be part of it all. IT'S CRAZY! I wasn't happy, she had weird behaviours and raged at me when we rowed, went all weird for reasons I don't know. Tried to entice me back with nice talk and then ended it. I didn't even particularly like her friends. They were all rather chips off similar blocks.


So why do I feel so bad for Christ sake?

I agree with others who help me greatly that I need to let it go. Knowing it hurts me is PROGRESS. I need to stay away from all things her.

Alethiea,

Keeping tabs on what your ex is doing will drive you crazy!

I've mentioned on another post that my own self-censoring was to download a free website/keyword blocker, and then put every website I knew she was active on, as well as her own website, facebook, youtube videos, her name, in fact every possible scenario in case in a moment of weakness wanted to check up what she was doing.

And it works - because I can't even access the blocker in admin mode because you need a password - and that password was so complex that I had to write it down and when everything was set up to my satisfaction I burned the piece of paper the password was written on.

And the blocker is robust. I tried various ways of deleting it from my system (not in a moment of weakness, but as a trial in case of a moment of weakness). And it is impossible because it works at system level. You just can't do anything because it is impossible without a password.

Maybe something for you to try to try and help heal?
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Aletheia
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« Reply #47 on: October 11, 2013, 04:41:47 AM »

Blimey! You were determined! I think I can do it by willpower but I know it will hurt. It's only been recently I've done this.

I go through ups and downs. If I cut out all thought and access to that part in me I feel deeply sad and want to cry. That's the healing I guess. I need to keep in touch with that. Trouble is, as soon as I have a thought of her I feel terrible that she has just moved on and I'm in this hell hole.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #48 on: October 11, 2013, 04:49:09 AM »

Blimey! You were determined! I think I can do it by willpower but I know it will hurt. It's only been recently I've done this.

I go through ups and downs. If I cut out all thought and access to that part in me I feel deeply sad and want to cry. That's the healing I guess. I need to keep in touch with that. Trouble is, as soon as I have a thought of her I feel terrible that she has just moved on and I'm in this hell hole.

That's right. I think that their ability to just move on is because whatever emotional attachment we thought we had with them means nothing.

Mine knows how much I cared for her (because I told her in words and letters) and must realise how much I'm hurting. But no contact from her for 6 weeks must mean that she's either not bothered or interested in me, or she's unable or unwilling to ask about my welfare.

I don't know, just a theory... .

I was a source of plenty in material terms, and so is her new man. My hope is that she will just drain him emotionally (as she did with me) as well as monetarily. And that will make me feel better

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eeyore
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« Reply #49 on: October 11, 2013, 05:20:51 AM »

Mine knows how much I cared for her (because I told her in words and letters) and must realise how much I'm hurting. But no contact from her for 6 weeks must mean that she's either not bothered or interested in me, or she's unable or unwilling to ask about my welfare.

The story she most likely spins is that she doesn't contact you because it's better for you. Your too clingy and desperate.  And since she's not interested in you she's letting you down easy.

I'll call my ex BF A.  His ex X.  X introduced one of her bf's to us.  He was a nice guy but shy.  A is very extroverted.  X dated nice guy for about 9 months and the whole time would say he wasn't the right guy for her.  How insecure he was and how he was too clingy.  Nice guy wasn't her type but she kept him hanging.  She'd call nice guy telling him she loved him and missed him, etc.  X then meets current bf and lets nice guy know but at the same time calls him pet names.  And he says hey if you met someone quit calling me and quit telling me you miss me and calling me pet name.  Years later nice guy heard about her being sick and chatted with someone she knows and he said he hopes she's ok. X tells A how it took her months to shake nice guy off.   

That's the story she has to spin because she is a all about her type.  Arrogant and manipulative.
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AliveButBeatup
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« Reply #50 on: October 11, 2013, 11:14:38 PM »

Oh, I also forgot to mention that when she was permanently banishing me, she said I would never find anyone to love her the way that she loved me!

After all the false accusations, screaming, raging, interrogating, hitting, shoving, lying, stealing, manipulating, insulting, threatening, humiliating, playing the victim, blaming me for everything, throwing me out at 3 A.M., throwing drinks in my face, smear campaigns, overreacting, word twisting, flip flopping, backstabbing, discarding, etc.

Let's hope not.

I like your cheeky post.  I reviewed your list. I think I missed out on the drink being thrown in my face.  The rest of them were spot on.  Thanks for helping me remember all of the, errr, "good times".

ABB
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #51 on: December 09, 2013, 03:48:50 PM »

Mine has always said "do not contact me again, I do not want a relationship with you".

Last time it was, "I will never be intimate with you again. I do not want a relationship or a friendship ever. You are not a person I chose to spend my time with".

I couldn't even respond to that. When I did I got the whole restraining order threat.

Then she left me for an ex. Still came back a month later.

This time it is much worse. She HAS my replacement here in state. Told me never to contact her again and blocked FB, email and phone.

I sort of find it funny because all contact is pretty much moot. What does she think I will do? Send carrier pigeon?
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santa
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« Reply #52 on: December 09, 2013, 08:54:22 PM »

You should probably listen to her and not send her anything.

I sent my ex an email after we broke up with some provocative language in it and she forwarded it to my mother. It was pretty embarrassing.
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #53 on: December 10, 2013, 12:16:26 AM »

Santa, I work with her sister.  I think that's the only reason I haven't seen a restraining order... .thank God!
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