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Author Topic: Why is taking personal inventory not more busy?  (Read 2615 times)
musicfan42
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« Reply #60 on: October 19, 2013, 06:05:30 PM »

It's hard for me to slow down though... I find it unbelievably hard to relax...

Yes.  There are lots of ways to avoid feeling and healing: numbing, running, working, rescuing, yadda.  I spent plenty of time in my youth numbing with intoxicants, then later I discovered if I ran very fast, literally and figuratively, I could outrun my emotions, and work was always a good place to hide, as I made someone else rich.  So the answer is none of the above.  The answer is to stop and feel, don't think but feel, don't run but stop and just BE with myself.  It's hard, but it feels like whatever's on the other side will be a better life.  I actually thank my BPD for paining me to this insight.

I highlighted this last bit: "paining me to this insight". I know exactly what you mean there. I had a bad experience a few years ago (not my BPD ex) and that made me re-evaluate everything... myself, other people, my life. I think that the demise of my relationship with my BPD ex made me pause and reflect again but not to the same extent. I had read about domestic violence before so I knew that my BPD ex was just emotionally abusive-that definitely took the sting out of it... to realize that it wasn't my fault... that it wasn't about me... it was his problem.

At times, I've tried to fit in and be a chameleon but I've found that to be soul destroying basically...

Yep-I feel like a sell out now... that I'm just going along with what everyone else wants from me instead of what I actually want.

Me too, so there we go: the key I think is to live authentically, maintain strong boundaries, let them down for the right people, remove the rest.  Brand new project I never really focused on before, baby steps, but it's already getting good.  The answers were found upon exposure to a serious mental illness.  Who woulda thunk.

I think that you have a good attitude fromheeltoheal. What has helped you to heal? Therapy? Self-Reflection? Meditation? You seem really calm and centered... you don't strike me as angry or bitter and that's good. I heard this story about this woman whose husband had been murdered and they were asking her about how she was coping with her loss and she said "you can either get bitter or better". That quote has always stayed in my head. I thought "wow-that is really true... "
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #61 on: October 19, 2013, 06:43:58 PM »

Thanks musicfan, it's been a journey.  I left her about 14 months ago, she's tried to contact me a few times, but done was done, I'd had enough, and this site and my anger helped me stay away.  I've heard the stages of detachment are like the stages of grief, and I went through denial for a few months, then a shtload of anger, not so much at her but at everything in general, she kind of uncorked years of repressed anger apparently.  Then a period of depression where I couldn't work, got physically sick, had zero energy, and lately, I'd say the last couple months, I've had a bunch of acceptance, I don't think about her very often, and the whole thing feels very distant and long ago.  I'd say I've detached.

But when I do think of her once in a while it's a pleasant thought, I honestly hope she's doing well, and I have compassion for her; she's 1700 miles away, so there's no chance of 'running into' her.  But the biggest thing, and to address your question, I really feel like I've grown a whole lot, motivated by pain once again, although things feel very different and strangely a lot better than before my relationship with her.  I've gotten very good at standing up for myself and don't take sht from anyone anymore, I have direction, I'm spending time with women and instead of trying to figure out who I need to be to be attractive to them, old, well-rehearsed behavior, I'm wondering if and how they're going to meet MY needs.  Babe.

I've done a lot of personal development over the decades, although knowing what to do and doing what you know are two different things, but I got really motivated, and have mostly been looking at any disempowering beliefs I hold and working on reframing them; Brene Brown's books on shame and vulnerability have helped with the reframe quite a bit.  And then the usual: eat right, exercise daily, and get enough sleep, my life always goes better when I get those three in order.  Anyway, rambling, but you're right, you either get bitter or you get better, bigger still, attitude is a choice, and one of the few things we can control.  Take care of you.
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musicfan42
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« Reply #62 on: October 19, 2013, 07:30:43 PM »

You're welcome fromheeltoheal Smiling (click to insert in post) Don't worry-you're not rambling at all. I feel a lot stronger now too... more self-assured and assertive. I haven't read Brene Brown's books however I found a really good interview she did on youtube with a guy called Jonathan Fields. It's very informal... they're both sitting on couches and just having a chat. It's nice because you can tell that they're getting on well and it seems a more natural setting really.

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thinkingthinking
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« Reply #63 on: October 25, 2013, 09:22:15 PM »

Once my divorce was final, I think that I too needed to "get away" from dealing with the BPD (although this has been difficult as exBPDh has visitation with our daughter).  Reading the posts on the site hit too close to home for a short time. 

I'm only a couple of months out from divorce now, but feel like I can start to think about my future for the first time in a very long time. Currently reading "Spiritually Healthy Divorce", which is a great book regardless of how "spiritual" you are.

Perhaps the board is less busy because when we begin to work on ourselves, one of two things occurs:

1. Avoidance- it's a lot of work and sometimes painful to take an introspective look; especially when we have not been the focus of our own lives for so long.

2. We learn to give ourselves time.  I don't have the urgency of wanting "out" anymore, and am learning to be patient with myself.  I was in an unhealthy relationship for 22 years, so it's okay if I take awhile to recenter!
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fakename
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« Reply #64 on: November 02, 2013, 04:16:48 PM »

i think it is maybe scary or challenging or maybe its just not easy to focus on ourselves... .

for me, it's kinda like the same reason i would stay with my ex - she was a problem that i could work on while ignoring my own problems... .

i also think people are at different stages of their recovery, i know what helped me the most inthe beginning was being able to relate to others and their stories and learn what was going on... .it took a big step (probably forced myself too) to start working on myself... .

in the end, i dont think its important if the personal inventory board is busy or not. i dont know if it has much to do with my progress. people have their own methods of self-improvement, thought haven't ideas and guidance is also helpful... .
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letmeout
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« Reply #65 on: November 05, 2013, 01:18:29 AM »

I took a second job. It seems like all I ever do is work now, but it keeps my mind on the present instead of the past.
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charred
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« Reply #66 on: November 05, 2013, 05:51:40 AM »

The leaving board was front and center for me as I felt like I was in a life crisis getting past the r/s with my pwBPD. Now that I am more than a year out from it... recovered enough that I am back to living and functioning somewhat normally. Have been re-evaluating my life, taking inventory and so forth. Learned a lot, but its not compelling like the crisis was.

Taking inventory, ... for me Its a bummer ... .I am finding that my issues go back to FOO and early attachment, and the prognosis for great change isn't good... its my personality set with 50 plus years of reinforcement... .but at least I understand far more about why I am like I am. Sure doesn't make me talkative like the leaving board did.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #67 on: November 05, 2013, 06:28:34 AM »

The leaving board was front and center for me as I felt like I was in a life crisis getting past the r/s with my pwBPD. Now that I am more than a year out from it... recovered enough that I am back to living and functioning somewhat normally. Have been re-evaluating my life, taking inventory and so forth. Learned a lot, but its not compelling like the crisis was.

Taking inventory, ... for me Its a bummer ... .I am finding that my issues go back to FOO and early attachment, and the prognosis for great change isn't good... its my personality set with 50 plus years of reinforcement... .but at least I understand far more about why I am like I am. Sure doesn't make me talkative like the leaving board did.

I can relate charred, thanks for this.  I too am in my fifties and have been out of my relationship more than a year, and my life is somewhat back to "normal" as well. 

Although I don't have the push that I did when I was in crisis management mode, things do feel different, and I have motivation and a direction I didn't have before I met her, feels like I woke up.  My personality is pretty solidified too, and I'm OK with that, I like myself for the most part, and for me it's a matter of focus.  I do want to create a legendary relationship, I'm capable of it, and focusing on what makes one great and what direction I need to head is the piece that was missing before I met her.  When it was good with her it was really good, and although that was unsustainable, the right one will be; may we all create our bliss.
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charred
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« Reply #68 on: November 05, 2013, 11:37:53 AM »

I don't think you can create a legendary relationship... as I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship... there is relating, and its a verb and its what we do all the time. You can be present and involved and enjoying the person you are with and that seems to be the key to making things work. When we take an ongoing process and turn it in to a static thing... I think we are stepping away from being involved in it.  I was with my ex for 22 yrs and some of the time it worked... when I was present/involved. Early on, I was still reeling from the first go round with my pwBPD... and was preoccupied with it... and the relating with my wife didn't work well. After years together, it was routine, and boring (both for her and me)... and I wanted excitement... but wasn't staying present and the relating suffered. My exBPDgf came back on the scene and like a Genie's horrible wish... I had excitement... .and devastation.

In general, when you are present and in the moment, life is good, and when you are disassociated/disconnected and not present... .people around you know it and are put off a bit, and whether you are in the past or future... .you are missing out on the present.

Was so many years from when I was single before till now... .that my options are less than ideal.  I like younger gals, they look great, but honestly... they want younger guys, or money... and relating based on $$ is a non-starter for me. Leaning toward getting back with ex... but finally am comfortable being alone... now my daughter wants to live with me... so I have to figure out what I a doing. The only for sure thing... .not getting back with my exBPDgf... .and getting to the point that I know I am not... has taken decades... I wanted to be with her, thought she was the one... .and she was toxic for me.

Moving on is hard, I think for years I was going through motions and passing time and the pwBPD slapped me back awake and I have to get back in to living... better late than never, but not a lot of people in the same spot... .I hope anyway.

The early exciting thing about the r/s with a pwBPD was sex... and attention. Thinking back, no one else seemed to concentrate so much attention on me for so long... and the question I should have asked but didn't was; "WHY?"... and clearly it related to something she needed... not anything wonderful about me. Years later I finally ask that question. Was working out of town and had a temporary manager who was striking, and interested... others on the project said she was nuts... I felt sparks... and asked questions and dealt with her on my terms... .and that "real interest" she had quickly did a 180. Comments about how wonderful I was at my job... once I actually tried to share some of what I did with her... .actually got her to put her fingers in her ears, stand up and leave... .almost involuntarily... .it was bizarre. Without any idea of what I did she could not honestly judge whether I did it well or not... .and I no longer am so needy for affirmation that I would take it from someone that was blowing smoke. So... the thought of sex with her was enticing... .but spending a little time around her and finding out she was on divorce number 3 and had issues with everyone she had dated or married... .kind of brought me back to my senses gently. She moved on, I moved on, and I am sure we are both better for it.

So... whats that got to do with inventory? I have had to re-evaluate a lot, and I think that years of wonderful day to day interactions with people you love outweighs the super charged intense attraction/sex with pwBPD... .maybe not on day 1 or day 30... but the long steady relating wins the race. Being with a genuine person that is with you through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health... is real different from being with someone that says you are their soul mate, who sleeps with other guys or girls when you are not around, who goes from building you up to tearing you down. I will take real women over good dream/bad nightmare woman anytime.

From all my research ... .the way to true happiness is gardening... .and I dismissed that as hooey... .just like the thought that I had issues going back to my FOO, or that my dreamgirl was a bit phoney/immature.   May be putting out plants next spring.
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #69 on: November 05, 2013, 11:58:52 AM »

Call me crazy (she certainly did), but I still believe in a relationship; there's me, there's her, and there's this entity between us called a relationship that is a place we go to get grounded, recharged, empowered, validated.  Not the only place mind you, but a reliable one, and relationships take work and require maintenance, but if it's as valuable as we want, it's worth it.

I too got a strong buzz from my borderline, so strong I got caught up in the emotion for a period and got irrational.  Although that feels very good, very alive, it is also unsustainable and self-destructive, not unlike the feelings I used to get from alcohol, pot, cocaine, thrill seeking, all the popular buzzes.

As I've detached I've looked very hard at that, the side of me that mistook that buzz for love, love being something that is sustainable and empowering, and yes, sprinkled with exciting periods, but also full of contentment and belonging, which isn't usually all that exciting, but accepting it doesn't mean settling.  

Maybe there will be a site one day called Borderline Anonymous, a 12-step program of recovery from that pathology.  I'd be a candidate.
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letmeout
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« Reply #70 on: November 06, 2013, 12:46:47 AM »

I just saw a Face Book page for Borderlines today. It was an interesting read of posts. Most Borderlines there are aware of how bad they act, and they hate their own behavior but can't control it. Pity there isn't an easy cure for that personality disorder.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #71 on: November 06, 2013, 04:08:23 PM »

I just saw a Face Book page for Borderlines today. It was an interesting read of posts. Most Borderlines there are aware of how bad they act, and they hate their own behavior but can't control it. Pity there isn't an easy cure for that personality disorder.

PM me for this one please? 
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #72 on: November 06, 2013, 04:25:10 PM »

I just saw a Face Book page for Borderlines today. It was an interesting read of posts. Most Borderlines there are aware of how bad they act, and they hate their own behavior but can't control it. Pity there isn't an easy cure for that personality disorder.

PM me for this one please? 

Just go to Facebook and search for "borderline"; there are a lot of them.
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letmeout
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« Reply #73 on: November 06, 2013, 11:51:10 PM »

Wow, I didn't know there were so many of them.

I think I was looking through the www.facebook.com/borderline.personality.disorder.community one
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #74 on: November 07, 2013, 12:09:51 AM »

Wow, I didn't know there were so many of them.

I think I was looking through the www.facebook.com/borderline.personality.disorder.community one

Very different vibe over there.  Feels like you're reading the disorder and its challenges in the flesh.  Not sure I like it.
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