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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Why is taking personal inventory not more busy?  (Read 2614 times)
HarmKrakow
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« on: October 11, 2013, 08:27:43 PM »

I was wondering (for real) why the personal inventory board was note more bush as usual. I remember running huge threads in this forum and now i have the feeling more people seem to as we bankers call it "pump and dump" there emotions in L3, the detachment topic while I reckon more phocus should be led on personal guidance out of the misery.

But thats just my opinion , I'm just a highly educated banker who got fooled by a clever high functioning BPDer and just back for a short while as my therapist told me to valuate and sense the feelings of others on this board and compare them with your own feelingd as what I myself have written here when th curtains where darker than davy jones locker.
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« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2013, 09:03:25 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Agreed!

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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2013, 04:47:50 AM »

Yeah I have wondered the same HarmKrKow.

I have a few theories:

-Some people might not have the 50 posts requirement necessary to post in the "taking inventory board".

-Some people come to the forum to gain support-to discuss their experiences with a pwBPD with someone else-and that may be their sole reason for posting here.

-It can feel weird talking about your emotions and really soul search on an anonymous internet forum. I definitely think that posting on the personal inventory thread should ideally be combined with therapy + seeking social support from family and friends. Online support is great however I think that it should be combined with face-to-face support in your daily life.

-Some members are struggling with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD so that may be a barrier preventing them from posting here.

-The personal inventory board might seem intimidating to some people-they might start comparing their progress to other peoples' and think "why am I not over my pwBPD yet? why am I not at that point?" Some people have described leaving a relationship with a pwBPD as a grieving process-that you go through the stages of denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. I'm sure I'm leaving some stages out but that's just out of the top of my head!

-Some people might feel overwhelmed by all the emotions that they're currently experiencing. They may want to post on the personal inventory board but may not know where to start.

I noticed in the parents board, they used a format to simplify the process. We could do the same thing here and that might help build up traffic again.

Something like this perhaps:

*

What emotions am I currently experiencing:

Anger: __

Fear: __

Loneliness: __

Sadness: hit

Joy: hit

Contentment: hit

Take a deep breathe in and out until you feel relaxed.

Do I take good care of myself by exercising, self-soothing, eating well, taking time to relax, go on holiday etc?

hit_

hit_

Name one thing that I could do each day to make myself feel good. It doesn't have to be a big thing-even something like putting on your favorite perfume counts.

hit


*

Something nice and easy like that to ease people into this board and get them thinking about how they can be good to themselves.
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2013, 05:43:07 AM »

I had not considered posting on the personal inventory board before. I know that I am still recovering from the effects of being married to a BPD man 35 yrs; and this board could be very helpful.

I kept ruminating the past with ‘poor me, all those wasted years, why did that happen to me’ crap. I am beginning to see that you can't think in the past like that; it screws with your present and your future.

The big thing for me right now is that I am starting to let myself feel emotions again!

Instead of burying my emotions like I use to, I've learned  that it is better to let myself feel them (otherwise I keep dragging them with me, sort of like a bunch of tin cans on strings tied to the back of my car). 

The results are making me feel stronger, more confident and empowered. I like these new feelings a LOT.

Another big thing is that I also decided to quit dating. 

Everyone kept pressuring me to find a man (a sane man) but I kept attracting the same kind of dysfunctional people.  Once I told friends and family that I am not going to date anymore, they have stopped the pressure and I feel free to pursue other neglected aspects of my life. 

I know that I can rescue myself; no one else can do that for me.

Sometimes I still feel anger that my ex continues his smear campaign against me

I was very fearful that I could not make it without him (like he always told me) but that fear has faded

Sometimes I feel lonely, but I'm learning to enjoy my time alone

Sadness over what should have been, has been replaced by hope for the future

Joy can been found in the smallest meaningful things!

Contentment is felt more often than not these days

Gratitude for not having to endure my BPD ex gets stronger every day that I am out of his life


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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2013, 07:09:38 AM »

Not everyone looks at themselves to see what they could do to live a better life. Learning to be vulnerable and make close connections is scary to many people.

I would like it if there was a success stories area... people that made it, got past all this stuff and turned out well.

How is your taking personal inventory going?

I am concluding things I never dreamt of; Like being in T helps... even when it doesn't seem to be at all, as being around a well regulated person that listens non-judgementally seems to really help me. Freud was right about a lot of things that sounded like a crock... it mostly goes back to our childhood. Much of what we identify with (what we take pride in)... and are defensive about... is ego, false self, exact opposite of what/who we are, so someone that prides themselves on being a loner, is often reacting to being lonely, that kind of thing.

Was really starting to think I was just wasting time and needed to buck up and get on with things. My sister and brother in law are having marital problems... brother in law was diagnosed with cancer and is freaking out. In the past I would have avoided the situation, and told him I was sorry, and offered to help if I can to my sister. Being through this whole bad r/s with a pwBPD... came to find mindfulness very helpful in reducing stress so I plan on talking with my brother in law. The issue between them is that he ruminates/worries and is snippy, negative and stress inducing to my sister. She has MS and a good attitude about it, basically it is a fact of life and it isn't going to stop her from enjoying what she can. He has a possibly curable cancer that he doesn't want to face and deal with... nor his own mortality, so he worries endlessly. Looking at my own issues, and taking inventory, I found I ran from unpleasantness of all types. My little sister faces things heads on and has always been a happier person for it. So soon I will see if I can talk with him about the worst things he is facing, death and a painful demise... .something most of us fear. Whatever happens will happen, but he can face it alone (which is what will happen if he keeps acting like he does, my sis is ready to divorce him)... or he can do something about it, perhaps get mindful, stop ruminating, accept that he has a problem, and see and do something about it with his wife that loves him at his side.  Seems like a no-brainer.

The fear of facing your own problems is probably why this is not a busy place... .hard to look in the mirror. We all have FOO issues or shortcomings to deal with.
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2013, 09:02:12 AM »

I think at this point in recovery, we lose the need to share everything little thing like we did in the leaving board.  We tend to share the big things.  I think it is growing up, learning how to handle the small stuff with relative ease but still growing, learning, sharing on the bigger obstacles. 
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« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2013, 09:50:23 AM »

I'm relatively new and hang out on the Leaving board a lot because I identify with the folks there and feel that's where I can be the most empathic and supportive because many people there were or are facing the same kind of decisions I've already made with respect to the pwBPD in their lives.

One thing that is very visible on the Leaving board is that a lot of thought and energy is being focused externally upon the BPD partner/ex. Much fewer people are asking themselves why they stayed in an unhealthy relationship.  I think that would have to be a prerequisite to discussing personal inventory?

I agree it's easier for most people to look at other people than to look within. It's easy to feel ashamed if we look inside and find ourselves not measuring up or inadequate. That's not a great feeling.
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2013, 10:05:18 AM »

I don't post here much because the issues I want to work on have NOTHING to do with BPD.  I've been away from all of that for a very long time and quite frankly, I just don't care about BPD anymore.

There is life after these horrific relationships and it's a GOOD life!  I am here to tell you that!

Even so... .there are many other relationships that come across our paths that are difficult - they may not be as horrific as a BPD relationship, but they are still difficult. Many of the things we read on these boards are very helpful in every day relationships - I still read here because it helps me to deal with difficult people.  

Many of the things we read on these boards are also helpful in identifying things in ourselves that need tweeking.  I'd like to talk about those things here, but when I've tried to do that and it doesn't involve BPD, the topic dies, or worse, it gets moved to some board where I never wanted it to be in the first place --- and then it dies because it's been moved to a board where BPD is still a hot button.  So that's one reason.  That sort of makes sense to me -- these boards are about BPD and if you don't want to talk about that, then there's not a lot to talk about -- and that's appropriate.  The board IS called bpdfamily    Anyway... .I read things here that I apply to myself, but I rarely talk about those things here anymore.

The other reason that is possible is that the boards tend to move in cycles.  We'll have a whole new group of people arrive and they are all still in the "deer in the headlights" stage.  A good portion of those people will disappear quickly - they'll pour their hearts out for a month, maybe two and then they leave -- do they return to their BPD relationship?  Probably.  Who knows what happens to them.  Of the remaining portion, some will get stuck in detaching for a very long time.  It's hard to work on yourself when your entire being is wrapped up in someone else.  And, IMO, that's where a lot of our members live. I lived there for a very long time too, so I get that.

Of all of the people who come here, I think it's a very small percentage that end up on PI - and when they do - the board is very slow --- hard to want to participate.

turtle

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« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2013, 12:00:53 PM »

"Pump and dump" is a bit drastic in tone, but pretty spot on!  People arrive here with urgency driven by pain and confusion.  The site is an emergency room that triages people to the appropriate treatment rooms.  The slower, long term rehabilitative work is a different rhythm.

I am just working through the Ambassador lessons now.  When I am feeling good about myself I sometimes don't want to come to the boards because I feel "vulnerable" again when I connect with how people are struggling, or even realizing on the inventory board how long a real recovery can take.  I suppose it is my own form of denial... .for a while I want to pretend that all is normal... .and if I pretend long enough or ignore the pain from the broken relationship then it will all go away! 

Hmmm... .now I am taking some personal inventory!  I am often afraid that if I confront my fear and pain that it will overwhelm me... .that I will not be able to withstand it, so I compartmentalize it or try to pretend it away.  Sounds like I need some more work!

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« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2013, 05:01:07 PM »

I've made it to this board from Staying instead of Leaving... .and find that once again, the focus there is on the pwBPD that people are in a r/s with. Or on what they can do to better cope with the crap the pwBPD does as they start to get it more. Either way, it starts out as a never-ending source of problems/need for solutions. There is a lot more action over there!

PI is hard and slow work, so it certainly is less busy. I've got something I want to work through myself, and might start a thread about it here... .or might not. As I started writing about it offline, I notice that what I've got is kinda rambling, and I think I need to better find the question before I ask it.
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« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2013, 05:15:39 PM »

"Pump and dump" is a bit drastic in tone, but pretty spot on!  People arrive here with urgency driven by pain and confusion.  The site is an emergency room that triages people to the appropriate treatment rooms.  The slower, long term rehabilitative work is a different rhythm.

I am just working through the Ambassador lessons now.  When I am feeling good about myself I sometimes don't want to come to the boards because I feel "vulnerable" again when I connect with how people are struggling, or even realizing on the inventory board how long a real recovery can take.  I suppose it is my own form of denial... .for a while I want to pretend that all is normal... .and if I pretend long enough or ignore the pain from the broken relationship then it will all go away! 

Hmmm... .now I am taking some personal inventory!  I am often afraid that if I confront my fear and pain that it will overwhelm me... .that I will not be able to withstand it, so I compartmentalize it or try to pretend it away.  Sounds like I need some more work!

From what I've learned from my therapist is that the emotional venting in for example L3 is nice, and sometimes necessary, but relatively similar as walking around in circles. Or like a wave, comes up, goes down, comes up, goes down.
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« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2013, 05:17:52 PM »

I think at this point in recovery, we lose the need to share everything little thing like we did in the leaving board.  We tend to share the big things.  I think it is growing up, learning how to handle the small stuff with relative ease but still growing, learning, sharing on the bigger obstacles. 

I would still like to share the big things! :P I think from the moment you cut yourself of the BPD and start rebuilding your values as a human being even more interesting than the emotional hack and slash and venting on our previous BPD partners as all the persons there talk all along 1 side of the coin. It's hard to have someone NOT to agree with you on the L3 boards :P.

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« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2013, 05:59:59 PM »

I would still like to share the big things! :P

I agree with RT and would love to hear you share a big thing.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

(oh, that sounds kind of naughty)

You up for sharing something that you are working on recently with yourself?
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« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2013, 07:37:44 PM »

I would still like to share the big things! :P

I agree with RT and would love to hear you share a big thing.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

(oh, that sounds kind of naughty)

You up for sharing something that you are working on recently with yourself?

Of course. Broke up with BPD/social phobia ex in March. Months of struggle, the hardcore members remember that period of me here.

Since September I live in a new studio, meaning new memories! I have been diagnosed with light PTSD. No more bed which reminds me of ex (This was seriously a big thing!). I have been dating this new girl for a few months now, she comes over from time to time. Sometimes a huge struggle, sometimes fun. I chose not to wait anymore and 'wait for the so called right moment'. Whether that was wise or not, has to be seen.

I have been following therapy since October 2012 and the last few weeks the therapy has intensified. Every bad nasty memory which seriously can make a person's stomach turn has been attacked by EMDR sessions by my psycho-therapist. I was crying like a 4 year old, after the session no more tears, just a headache. Slowly cutting out the toxic pieces of my ex in my head. Other than that the big move was also moving away from my family as most of my child issues (and the reason why I got into the BPD mess and ignored the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) 's) originate from my family (father & mother). Meaning, I have no contact with any part of my family besides my father. None. Only the father. No grandfather, aunts, cousins, nothing. I can tell you guys that from time to time that feels quite lonely and also gives the feeling, hey, Harm can't deal with his family? meaning the problem lies with HIM! and not the christian fundamentalist side of the family (mothers side, very superb strict christian side) or my fathers side ( the typical silent work types who don't discuss feelings or emotions with anyone and are completely 1-dimensional ). My therapists agreed with me on cutting ties with my family side, this all has been decided lately. But it eats at you, because wherever you go, people have family. Harm has(!) family but is not in contact with them anymore. They are all energy suckers and life drainers. Simple case of never given any love from them side and whatever choice I made in life was a wrong one in their eyes.

Before all this misery, I already fled my country (Netherlands) once to London (United Kingdom) to get away from my crazy family, I came back to the Netherlands purely out of the sake of my BPD ex and started doing a MSc degree at university in Maths'. We lived together at the university campus, 500 meters away from lecture hall and the examination rooms. However, that was in Sept. 2011 and until this day that has not been finished and obviously my ex left the Netherlands and is now enjoying a life over a 1000km away from here. (In european terms, a 1000km is a lot :P).

This entire endeavor completely ___*d up my stress hormone system as life turned to a grey vision (depression) and my cortisol levels went apehit. Meaning, my short term memory went from amazing to goat cheese. Considering I study a mathematical degree which I really(!) have to finish, a goat cheese memory is not helping. The EMDR therapy has helped thus far to slowly bit by bit get rid of the ex so there is more space for derivations Smiling (click to insert in post).

My biggest problems at the moment are the fact that the 21st and 22nd of October I have 2 exams at Uni, which I have to pass but I simply cannot seem to get my sh!t together and buff it up and start doing good studying, because the hurdle (read ex) is fighting with me and the moment I do have a good study session, i forget everything for the next morning. And you can imagine that when entering university grounds or even the examination hall, my mind goes NUTS. Ex ex ex ex ex ex ... ex ex ex ex ex ... .ex ... .ex ex ex ... .

If I do pass, I can leave this country behind me and go back into the corporate banking world. My professors, my ex colleagues and everyone around that are firm believers I have everything that it takes to pass exams and I already had a few top international firms asking if I was ready to start working again.

So in short.

-Rebuild a bit of my life, new house, new place, new environment, new girl, new pet and far away from my family

-Revisited a lot of OLD places where I was with my ex with either my new girl, new friends, etc. Meaning I am rebuilding triggers

-Life still "sucks", as everything I do is grey, has no joy, and feel chronic pointlessness of doing everything in life

-Short term memory is donkey poo, I can not remember things longer than a day ...

-Frequent, very frequent therapy visits, they are very happy with the progress and I literally make months and months of progress in just a few weeks. I fly! They like me more than I like them though :P But all I want is just to get out of this mess so the more visits I can have, the better. I can feel it helps, so *yay* on that.

-Lot of contact with ex-colleagues and professors to keep the fire high under my bum

-I don't have a lot of anxiety or panic attacks or any of that

-The rational side of Harm is slowly returning. The emotional side is still weeping and crying like a 2 year old.

-I do feel lonely, but in a deeper sense of way. I can take a train to Amsterdam, walk into a random pub, get tipsy and talk to strangers. The shallow loneliness is the problem. I feel like I don't fit in.

-I pass my exams? Meaning a ticket out of the Netherlands and back in either New York or in London.

-I fail my exams? I'm ___*d beyond ___*d, can forget a normal career again in Finance and can start making myself ready to work as a clerk or assistant in a supermarket (there 2 years ago I was deriving mathematical equations for a private banking department of a big multinational bank for a lot of cash.

The reason why I came back for a while on this board was because my therapist suggested to go back to places where I was before when it truly hurted when I was with my ex and I have evidence on how I reacted at that time and how I now feel by reading those messages. This board is of course the perfect example for that! All in all I don't like life but I have nothing to complain for. New studio (build 2009), very cute girl, can pay for my studies, am doing a very highly reputation-able world wide recognized degree. I keep swimming. It's nice to have heard that the sole reason why I struggle with life right now is the complete wacky youth due to my family but that's something which isn't helping me now.

How do I do relax? Zen! There is no past nor a future. There is only the present. That's how I live.

And my ex? The main reason why all this hit started? She still contacts me, by mail, calls, etc. I from time to time reply. But it's a 1-way street.

Thanks for allowing me to vent W2K  :*
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« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2013, 08:35:54 AM »

How do I do relax? Zen! There is no past nor a future. There is only the present. That's how I live.

I like this thought - it's very yoga-like, which I do twice every weekend.  Also to add in there - no judgment.  Just accept who you are as you come to your mat.

I also like the rewiring triggers.  I'm a big believer of confronting your triggers - it makes them less powerful.
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« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2013, 08:37:09 AM »

Can you put off the exams for now while you are healing?  I'm sensing that you are working through anger right now, as a lot of us are also doing.  If the exams are too important to fail, I'd put them off for a while. The psalms are good for anger, King David was dealing with lots of troubles when he wrote those, they may bring some comfort.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2013, 08:53:01 AM »

Can you put off the exams for now while you are healing?  I'm sensing that you are working through anger right now, as a lot of us are also doing.  If the exams are too important to fail, I'd put them off for a while. The psalms are good for anger, King David was dealing with lots of troubles when he wrote those, they may bring some comfort.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can't put the exams off :- (. Yeah, I can but the next opportunity is July 2014, and waiting such a long period is not going to do me any good either unfortunately. One of the problems is the location I am sitting and the on/off confrontation with triggers from the past with my ex & family.

Graduating means a ticket out of this country and I'm not getting any younger. I'm not the typical 22 year old brat at university, i'm 5 years older than most people in my class, living on my own with already years of working experience behind me.

Let alone the money etc. I am currently not working and full time working on my study.

Thanks for noticing the anger within me Smiling (click to insert in post) :P
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2013, 08:55:18 AM »

How do I do relax? Zen! There is no past nor a future. There is only the present. That's how I live.

I like this thought - it's very yoga-like, which I do twice every weekend.  Also to add in there - no judgment.  Just accept who you are as you come to your mat.

I also like the rewiring triggers.  I'm a big believer of confronting your triggers - it makes them less powerful.

Not to be judging anyone, at all... .but isn't confrontation of triggers the only way to get the intensity lower and therefore being able to process it?
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« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2013, 08:59:17 AM »

Not to be judging anyone, at all... .but isn't confrontation of triggers the only way to get the intensity lower and therefore being able to process it?

Yup... .that's why sometimes when folks say NC is the only way, I think that can backfire.  Of course it's important in some cases, but living in 'fear' of your ex contacting you is something that's not going to help you process the reality - it's just a text, or a phone call.  Answering or don't, but don't limit yourself, as that cuts something off, if that makes sense.
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« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2013, 09:05:00 AM »

Not to be judging anyone, at all... .but isn't confrontation of triggers the only way to get the intensity lower and therefore being able to process it?

Yup... .that's why sometimes when folks say NC is the only way, I think that can backfire.  Of course it's important in some cases, but living in 'fear' of your ex contacting you is something that's not going to help you process the reality - it's just a text, or a phone call.  Answering or don't, but don't limit yourself, as that cuts something off, if that makes sense.

You could have been my boss with that typical no nonsense straight forward thinking. Besides ZEN, that IS the exact way I browse through life. No point in the 'awwww' everything will be better attitude, drop it like the truth. And not some masked truth to ensure a lower amount of pain to bite you back in the bum when they found out it was a white lie.
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« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2013, 09:09:32 AM »

I think it's cool that you are doing EDMR... .I found that very helpful - I cried like a baby, too, and then there was the blank movie screen - just peace.
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« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2013, 12:42:08 PM »

To me it's just a simple numbers game. I may have a post that's about personal inventory but also is about detaching from BPD wounds, and I would post in the latter because I know more people could read it and I'd get more responses and perspectives to think about. So for me its as simple as that, I've never tried to skirt looking at myself, I just want to get as many opinions as possible so that I can look at myself.
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« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2013, 02:14:18 PM »

There are over 8 times as many posts on the leaving board as there are on the personal inventory board, and many of the reasons have been stated already.

I think the biggest reason is it's a lot easier to slam someone else than it is to look at our own stuff, 8 times easier apparently.  BPD is a serious mental illness, and the fallout from being involved with that pathology can be profound, as we all know.  And then there's a point where the finger pointing has run it's course and we have no choice but to look at our part in the dysfunction that was that relationship, or not.  Time, distance and NC all contribute to the strong emotions waning, many of us were motivated by pain to come here, and once the pain subsides the motivation wanes as well.  Having said that, it's time for me to start a new thread on this board, since the gift my BPD gave me was a glimpse into what still needs work; time to manufacture some motivation.
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musicfan42
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« Reply #23 on: October 13, 2013, 03:20:01 PM »

Can you put off the exams for now while you are healing?  I'm sensing that you are working through anger right now, as a lot of us are also doing.  If the exams are too important to fail, I'd put them off for a while. The psalms are good for anger, King David was dealing with lots of troubles when he wrote those, they may bring some comfort.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can't put the exams off :- (. Yeah, I can but the next opportunity is July 2014, and waiting such a long period is not going to do me any good either unfortunately.

Thanks for noticing the anger within me Smiling (click to insert in post) :P

HarmKrkow-I think you're wise to proceed with your exams now as normal. Relationships will come and go whereas your career is the one thing you can always rely on.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling angry either.
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« Reply #24 on: October 13, 2013, 03:38:50 PM »

Can you put off the exams for now while you are healing?  I'm sensing that you are working through anger right now, as a lot of us are also doing.  If the exams are too important to fail, I'd put them off for a while. The psalms are good for anger, King David was dealing with lots of troubles when he wrote those, they may bring some comfort.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can't put the exams off :- (. Yeah, I can but the next opportunity is July 2014, and waiting such a long period is not going to do me any good either unfortunately.

Thanks for noticing the anger within me Smiling (click to insert in post) :P

HarmKrkow-I think you're wise to proceed with your exams now as normal. Relationships will come and go whereas your career is the one thing you can always rely on.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling angry either.

Smiling (click to insert in post)! Thanks!

I also agree with the 'relationships will come and go' and you will eventually adjust to that situation (social life/relationship) but the career path is sort of the one thing I can rely on. Also very coincidentally spoke to my ex just a few hours ago!
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« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2013, 12:23:07 AM »

I don't know what EDMR therapy is, but I am curious.

No Contact with your ex all depends on how abusive your ex was. My presence triggers mine to go straight into crazy-talk mode, so why would I want to submit myself to that?

I realize that I am still detaching from BPD wounds.

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« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2013, 01:10:27 PM »

Hi Harm, glad to hear that you are feeling again. I agree with your pump and dump thought.

When I first got on the boards I was way past the leaving stage, that was done and over. What was left was my need to tell my story and connect with others who had shared experiences. That is what this board allowed me to accomplish. There was always someone here to read the words and validate the feelings. I needed that then but now my story has been told and in the telling given me peace and strength. So now I less frequently post. I still read on here a lot, finding bits of wisdom, ideas to consider or books to read. I hope someday I will have the knowledge to post more on others threads as a way to pay forward the understanding that I found.

All the best with the exams.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2013, 01:37:44 PM »

Hi Harm, glad to hear that you are feeling again. I agree with your pump and dump thought.

When I first got on the boards I was way past the leaving stage, that was done and over. What was left was my need to tell my story and connect with others who had shared experiences. That is what this board allowed me to accomplish. There was always someone here to read the words and validate the feelings. I needed that then but now my story has been told and in the telling given me peace and strength. So now I less frequently post. I still read on here a lot, finding bits of wisdom, ideas to consider or books to read. I hope someday I will have the knowledge to post more on others threads as a way to pay forward the understanding that I found.

All the best with the exams.

Thanks Smiling (click to insert in post) I will let you guys know how that goes. For me it was very interesting development on this board.

Starting off with, leaving/staying.

Than broke up, the disastrous emotional distress came. Suicidal thoughts, the entire shabang

Then therapy and months off this board

Then new house, new girl, new place, new everything and still therapy with the question, go back and check how you feel now :P

I don't know what EDMR therapy is, but I am curious.

No Contact with your ex all depends on how abusive your ex was. My presence triggers mine to go straight into crazy-talk mode, so why would I want to submit myself to that?

I realize that I am still detaching from BPD wounds.

EMDR is an EYE movement trick by a psycho-therapist, to lower the intensity felt by a crappy memory you have of your relationship.

One example is the last phone call I had with my ex, where she ranted 15 minutes on me, where I didn't have the strength to say anything back, and she went on a full murdering machine rampage with literally burying me verbally. I was the worst person on earth, will never get a life again, will be homeless, I will never get a gf again, i suck, i need professional help, i need to be locked up, i'm psychological ill, i need to be in a straight jacket etc... .

I had so many nightmares of that one moment that all the symptoms I showed were a 1-1 link with PTSD. And one thing lead to another, diagnosed with PTSD and straight into EMDR training. Why? Because I believed everything my ex said, I lowered myself completely in value and what she said, was true (of course not) but hey that's why im in therapy to get rid of those feelings :P

I do feel I am sort of stuck in my recovery at the moment. Therefore i'm also back on these boards for a while.
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« Reply #28 on: October 15, 2013, 05:07:23 PM »

I admit that I had a bit of a blow. My ex knows I have exams on Monday and Tuesday, however, she told me that after we broke up, she has not gotten her period and she got diagnosed with some hormonal thingy which might decrease or screw over her fertility.

I feel guilty, because I know she's not lying.

This has nothing to do with detachment, or feelings for her. This has more to do with the thought now eating in my head saying, ___hole Harm. You are to blame for her if she can not ever get pregnant again.
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musicfan42
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« Reply #29 on: October 15, 2013, 05:25:11 PM »

I admit that I had a bit of a blow. My ex knows I have exams on Monday and Tuesday, however, she told me that after we broke up, she has not gotten her period and she got diagnosed with some hormonal thingy which might decrease or screw over her fertility.

Hormonal thingy?

I feel guilty, because I know she's not lying.

How do you know for sure that she's not lying? Did you see any official documentation on this or did you just tell you this?

This has nothing to do with detachment, or feelings for her. This has more to do with the thought now eating in my head saying, ___hole Harm. You are to blame for her if she can not ever get pregnant again.

How is it your fault? Was she not using condoms and the pill? She is responsible for her sexual health... you're not. Women are also meant to get smear tests at least every two years to check for cervical cancer etc... this is all basic self-care.  There are women who don't use condoms-that just use the pill and that doesn't offer any protection against STI's. I have friends who are medical professionals so I've heard from them how irresponsible some women are regarding their sexual health...

I hate to say this but borderlines are prone to cheating-how can you be sure that you are to blame? She could have gotten this "hormonal thingy" off another guy...

I sense that she's just trying to manipulate you with this... .she sees that you're doing well with your career, that you're doing your best to move on and she's trying to retain control over you. I'm being blunt here however I know that you like hearing the truth so I'm sure you'll appreciate hearing an honest unfiltered opinion on this...

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