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Author Topic: A BPD's "Insanity" of a Love Life  (Read 6143 times)
Turkish
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« Reply #30 on: October 27, 2013, 10:13:14 AM »

my story is nowhere as bad as yours... .but we have small kids. they look for people like us. rescuers... .caretakers, and suck them in... .but no excuses.they know what they are doing.

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... .i think on their side, you're giving them too much credit and on our Non side, not requiring us to recognize and carry enough of the responsibility of what happened.

see, what i think happens, or at least this is what i saw with my xBPDgf, is she would "cast her net", so to speak.  i mean, she trolled.  she approached everybody with an oozing of seduction/sexuality/innocence/compassion/joy de vive/etc.  she offered friendship/understanding/compassion AND her phone number (cell and landline) as well as her email, to an amazing amount of people.  reminds me of cold-calling sales, actually... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .  the odds are on their side that eventually someone's gonna take the bait.  i can't call that "sucking me in".  i confess to being a sucker, tho! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

i got caught in her net.  how?  i bleeping jumped into it, that's how,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) !  she didn't look for me, entrap me, catch me, or do anything else (initially) that i could call underhanded.  i wasn't taken as a hostage ~ oh no, i was drawn to her like a magnet!

I get what you are saying. I approached mine... .then it was the by the book BPD relationship. I was referring to the ones, like mine, who seek out the affairs... .telling the other all about how Turkish doesn't understand her, doesn't give affection, how she wants more, all about me, or kids, or life... .from her messed up pov, how mean I was (no)... .and the new caretaker was all, oh, come here, let me give you a hug, some comfort... .and then it goes. then the cycle starts again.
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« Reply #31 on: October 27, 2013, 10:28:22 AM »

Excerpt
I get what you are saying. I approached mine... .then it was the by the book BPD relationship. I was referring to the ones, like mine, who seek out the affairs... .telling the other all about how Turkish doesn't understand her, doesn't give affection, how she wants more, all about me, or kids, or life... .from her messed up pov, how mean I was (no)... .and the new caretaker was all, oh, come here, let me give you a hug, some comfort... .and then it goes. then the cycle starts again.

Thanks Turkish. I will make notes on how to "find a nice guy" for future reference once the dust settles and I am not a complete PTSD basket case. Could be a while, but will give me time to practice the simpering bit and please rescue me from myself. Develop a drug or alcohol abuse habit and I'll be set! Seems that is an effective strategy.   joking
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« Reply #32 on: October 27, 2013, 10:46:12 AM »

H2o... .

All the nice guys... .

And all the nice women... .

Are here... .

On this forum... .

All around you.

I think... .

All us fellow nons would agree.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2013, 11:02:01 AM »



I get what you are saying. I approached mine... .then it was the by the book BPD relationship. I was referring to the ones, like mine, who seek out the affairs... .telling the other all about how Turkish doesn't understand her, doesn't give affection, how she wants more, all about me, or kids, or life... .from her messed up pov, how mean I was (no)... .and the new caretaker was all, oh, come here, let me give you a hug, some comfort... .and then it goes. then the cycle starts again. [/quote]
They are the gift that keeps giving, only problem is that the gift is a pile of dog ___.

I know I have probably been bad mouthed but I am fortunate because we ha no common friends.
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« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2013, 11:21:14 AM »

Excerpt
i got caught in her net.  how?  i bleeping jumped into it, that's how,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) !  she didn't look for me, entrap me, catch me, or do anything else (initially) that i could call underhanded. i wasn't taken as a hostage ~ oh no, i was drawn to her like a magnet!

I agree with that. He showed up, put on a little charm, appeared really into me, I was ready to hear how great I was from a guy I thought was cute and funny, and I just did the rest. I could have walked away at the first signs of dysfunction but I went all in.
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« Reply #35 on: October 27, 2013, 11:33:35 AM »

^^^ Mine pulled the full on Casanova, took him months of effort. What came after? Well... .

Excerpt
They are the gift that keeps giving, only problem is that the gift is a pile of dog ___.

Waifed   My sense of humor has become so horribly warped over the intervening years, please know that I am laughing at the tragedy of that truth.

Thank you IMF, but I be taking notes anyways, my current method of slamming a person into orbit at " Hi, how are you?" I think need some refining.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2013, 11:37:48 AM »

In hindsight I see she was being manipulative from day one.  I now understand that she expects to be left when folks get to know the real her, so she's concocted an elaborate seduction technique, very effective on someone lonely and susceptible like me, and she's had lots and lots of practice.  It's not mean or sinister mind you, she just doesn't like or care about herself, so can't believe anyone else would either, but she's heartbreakingly lonely, so the facade and the fantasy are the best she thinks she has.  On some level I did see what was going on and thought no worries, once we get closer and form the deep emotional bond I'm looking for, she won't need to play the games, because I'll be loving her for who she is.  It was a good plan, a really good plan, little did I know she could never go there, isn't wired that way, and my communication skills left a bit to be desired too.  Oh well, time for an upgrade, on both fronts.
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« Reply #37 on: October 27, 2013, 12:06:48 PM »

In hindsight I see she was being manipulative from day one.  I now understand that she expects to be left when folks get to know the real her, so she's concocted an elaborate seduction technique, very effective on someone lonely and susceptible like me, and she's had lots and lots of practice.  It's not mean or sinister mind you, she just doesn't like or care about herself, so can't believe anyone else would either, but she's heartbreakingly lonely, so the facade and the fantasy are the best she thinks she has.  On some level I did see what was going on and thought no worries, once we get closer and form the deep emotional bond I'm looking for, she won't need to play the games, because I'll be loving her for who she is.  It was a good plan, a really good plan, little did I know she could never go there, isn't wired that way, and my communication skills left a bit to be desired too.  Oh well, time for an upgrade, on both fronts.

Fromhealtotoe,

I think you nailed.  I would bet that many on here experienced you same thought process. It is logical thinking, but unfortunately doesn't apply to borderlines. It's so heartbreaking for us and for them.
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« Reply #38 on: October 27, 2013, 12:11:56 PM »

Excerpt
I would bet that many on here experienced you same thought process. It is logical thinking, but unfortunately doesn't apply to borderlines. It's so heartbreaking for us and for them.

Even with working through the various methods of validation and boundaries and the dynamic improving, the closer you get the worse the abuses. Perhaps if they were in therapy a couple would have a better chance. But getting a pwBPD to commit to therapy is almost impossible and they have to do it for themselves.
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« Reply #39 on: October 27, 2013, 12:19:45 PM »

In hindsight I see she was being manipulative from day one.  I now understand that she expects to be left when folks get to know the real her, so she's concocted an elaborate seduction technique, very effective on someone lonely and susceptible like me, and she's had lots and lots of practice.  It's not mean or sinister mind you, she just doesn't like or care about herself, so can't believe anyone else would either, but she's heartbreakingly lonely, so the facade and the fantasy are the best she thinks she has.

Hindsight is 20/20. Too late but still a good lesson to finally see clearly.

How can somebody who hates themselves truly love somebody else in a healthy way? They can't. Why did we fall in love with them? There is a lesson about ourselves in the answers to that question.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #40 on: October 27, 2013, 12:54:23 PM »

How can somebody who hates themselves truly love somebody else in a healthy way? They can't. Why did we fall in love with them? There is a lesson about ourselves in the answers to that question.

Yes, there is.  The truth is what was mirrored back to me was the good she saw in me, so what I fell in love with was myself, showing up in beautiful packaging.  Very important that, and very deceptive on her part, but necessary because she doesn't consider her real self worthy of love, but OK, I'm not mad anymore and I'll just take that version of myself she saw as a compliment, thank you.

The lesson I got was slow down, pay attention, don't ignore my gut, stay in touch with what's real for me.  She's got a whole lot more relationship experience than I do, and when she's on her game she turns heads walking into a room.  I waltzed into that hoping to be "saved" by someone who does the whole relationship thingy a lot better than I do, and after all that experience, she's picking me, a dream come true.  :)eluded of course, since she's got all that relationship experience because all of her relationships fall apart amid dysfunction.  Silly me.

And hoping to be "saved" is a crappy way to enter a relationship, and my focus has necessarily shifted to resolving core trauma, giving myself what I need from others, compassion, empathy and validation, getting my own sht together so I'm in a place where I can enter a relationship focusing on giving, from a healthy place not a people pleaser place, and not taking, because I'm already full.  Hell of a lesson, thanks BPD.
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« Reply #41 on: October 27, 2013, 01:20:21 PM »



And hoping to be "saved" is a crappy way to enter a relationship, and my focus has necessarily shifted to resolving core trauma, giving myself what I need from others, compassion, empathy and validation, getting my own sht together so I'm in a place where I can enter a relationship focusing on giving, from a healthy place not a people pleaser place, and not taking, because I'm already full.  Hell of a lesson, thanks BPD.

"I'm already full, I like that line!" I hope that we all become full, but not to forget there's always room for dessert aka a healthy new relationship! I like that! : )
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« Reply #42 on: October 27, 2013, 03:57:36 PM »

Excerpt
i got caught in her net.  how?  i bleeping jumped into it, that's how,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) !  she didn't look for me, entrap me, catch me, or do anything else (initially) that i could call underhanded. i wasn't taken as a hostage ~ oh no, i was drawn to her like a magnet!

I agree with that. He showed up, put on a little charm, appeared really into me, I was ready to hear how great I was from a guy I thought was cute and funny, and I just did the rest. I could have walked away at the first signs of dysfunction but I went all in.

thank you ~ that is what i'm talking about.  and it has taken me a long long  time to get to this point of awareness.

oh my gosh!  "awareness"!  Idea lightbulb moment!  i keep seeing it said here that pwBPD don't have "awareness".  now i've come full circle and am realizing my OWN lack of awareness, not only during the r/s but after, too.  no awareness of what role i played in the r/s... .  what steps i was doing in the dance... .  how i kept the ball rolling (and the pain coming) just as good as my xBPD did. 

amazing.  this site is amazing!  no matter where we are on our journey,  what phase/stage we're in, there are always others here that can relate to it, can extend a helping hand, or even just a shoulder to cry on.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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« Reply #43 on: October 27, 2013, 09:03:50 PM »

My BPDex seemed incredibly lucid about himself and BPD:

1. he told me he had it

2. he told me it would be part of him forever

3. he thanked me for the information I gave him regarding the best treatment for it in our town, and said knowing himself he probably wouldn't go.

4. he said therapy made him feel bad and he felt that he'd gotten all he needed.

5. he justified his new replacement saying he was incapable of being alone (from what I gather he was/is simply using her... .), and followed up saying he was soo glad he hadn't gone to therapy and his life was just great blah blah blah. 

The END

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« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2013, 08:07:00 AM »

Interesting points here, and I think you guys have done a great job.  In my view, BPD is *like* an addiction, though not one per se.  (That said, addictions in and of themselves are a regular part of the BPD experience.)  In order for someone to get better from BPD, at some point they have to feel that there is nothing worse than BPD and that they need help.  From what I've come across, people with BPD who have gotten help hit some sort of a bottom wheher they felt something, anything is better than the pain.  It was only then they were able to do the work for facing up with their demons.

Until and unless someone with BPD gets to that point, they won't get any help.  Simple as that.
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« Reply #45 on: October 28, 2013, 08:22:40 AM »

Here's a bit of a radical thought... .Perhaps the only thing we can really do is stop enabling them, and rather challenge them which means letting them get to that low point... .Which is the only time they will seek real help to get better... .
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« Reply #46 on: October 28, 2013, 08:32:38 AM »

Interesting points here, and I think you guys have done a great job.  In my view, BPD is *like* an addiction, though not one per se.  (That said, addictions in and of themselves are a regular part of the BPD experience.)  In order for someone to get better from BPD, at some point they have to feel that there is nothing worse than BPD and that they need help.  From what I've come across, people with BPD who have gotten help hit some sort of a bottom wheher they felt something, anything is better than the pain.  It was only then they were able to do the work for facing up with their demons.

Until and unless someone with BPD gets to that point, they won't get any help.  Simple as that.

In bold/italics.

And to further compound that... .

If they are surrounded by enablers... .

You know the fake friends/bad family members... .

Will that step be reached... .?

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« Reply #47 on: October 28, 2013, 09:20:20 AM »

If they are surrounded by enablers... .

You know the fake friends/bad family members... .

Will that step be reached... .?

no, it won't.

'that's just the way i am' or 'you must do what you feel is right for your own happiness' when that involves wrecking other people i will have no understanding for.
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« Reply #48 on: October 28, 2013, 09:53:31 AM »

Here's a bit of a radical thought... .Perhaps the only thing we can really do is stop enabling them, and rather challenge them which means letting them get to that low point... .Which is the only time they will seek real help to get better... .

That is the same conclusion that I came to. Just like an addict has to bottom out to the point that THEY feel like they have no other choice but to seek out help to change, the same is true in the case of BPD.

Why else wouldn't a pwBPD just keep doing what they've been doing? Any why should we sit idly by as their punching bag to wait for them to have an epiphany that may or may not come?
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« Reply #49 on: October 28, 2013, 10:03:45 AM »

Maxen... .

You are correct.

"That's just the way I am... ."

Is exactly the line... .

My ex said to me... .

In devaluation.

Both times.

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« Reply #50 on: October 28, 2013, 10:20:19 AM »

Maxen... .

You are correct.

"That's just the way I am... ."

Is exactly the line... .

My ex said to me... .

In devaluation.

Both times.

Yeah, mine too, and the way you are is unacceptable.  C-ya.
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« Reply #51 on: November 01, 2013, 07:48:56 AM »

Interesting points here, and I think you guys have done a great job.  In my view, BPD is *like* an addiction, though not one per se.  (That said, addictions in and of themselves are a regular part of the BPD experience.)  In order for someone to get better from BPD, at some point they have to feel that there is nothing worse than BPD and that they need help.  From what I've come across, people with BPD who have gotten help hit some sort of a bottom wheher they felt something, anything is better than the pain.  It was only then they were able to do the work for facing up with their demons.

Until and unless someone with BPD gets to that point, they won't get any help.  Simple as that.

Yes the basic tenant of recovery from any addiction (hurts, hang ups, habits: from Celebrate Recovery). Just like an addict a pwBPD must get to a point where their PAIN from there actions is greater than their FEAR of of exposing themselves and seeking help. MY BPDxw actually told me when I suggested marriage counseling (I didn't know about her infidelities or BPD at the time) "I don't want to see a counselor because you'll see just how Fu**ed up I am" looking back I remember seeing true FEAR in her face. Very Sad. I don't know how she can live with herself!  Besides as someone else mentioned on this thread that pwBPD move on to new people who VALIDATE their manipulative Bull***t and RESCUE them that they never have to hit ROCK BOTTOM or deal with PAIN or the consequences of THEIR actions!

My BPDxw left such a trail of destruction it's sickening. But she moves on and doesn't have to deal with aftermath, all her VICTIMS are left to pick up the broken pieces and try to rebuild their lives.

But WE ARE STRONG:

"I will praise YOU in this storm, because you are who YOU are who YOU are no matter where I am"... .Casting Crowns

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« Reply #52 on: November 01, 2013, 09:06:25 AM »

I remember seeing true FEAR in her face. Very Sad. I don't know how she can live with herself!

That is why suicide rates are higher among borderlines.

My BPDxw left such a trail of destruction it's sickening. But she moves on and doesn't have to deal with aftermath, all her VICTIMS are left to pick up the broken pieces and try to rebuild their lives.

A borderline doesn't get over it, it just gets repressed and then shows up later as impulsive behavior, rage, and all the other 'features' of the disorder, making the next relationship nastier than the last one. There is an opportunity to get off it, get real and heal, but the emotions are just too strong, and without the ability to self-soothe, it is just too painful, along with the fear of abandonment, a borderline's primary fear, which they are positive will happen if they open up and show who they really are; a borderline doesn't like herself, why would anyone else?  And we can see what is going on but that same repression makes it so the borderline can't.  Guaranteed continual pain and no idea why; hell on earth.  There's an opportunity to be grateful that we can pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives, where a borderline is surrounded by pieces and could never build one, let alone rebuild.

Not to minimize our pain, but a borderline's is worse, and it peeks out during the quiet times when they are alone, every time.
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« Reply #53 on: November 01, 2013, 09:23:10 AM »

Excerpt
Not to minimize our pain, but a borderline's is worse, and it peeks out during the quiet times when they are alone, every time.

Agree with you on that. And at the same time, I find the hypocrisy or the twisted thinking of the black and white right to cheat on the partner and then tell bald faced lies while denying the fact in the face of the evidence something for which my empathy cup doth no longer runneth over. That being said, you can slap the Scarlet A on me for thoughts of the carnal variety that were not directed at my husband. But then again, he rejects me completely anyways and emotionally this marriage is a black hole. And I won't be initiating either, that's for darn sure.

PD Love dies when you refuse to be abused. Interesting how that works. Mind you, died on my end as well. Just wish he would divorce me. I am such a horrible human being and a lousy wife after all. 
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« Reply #54 on: November 01, 2013, 10:02:23 AM »

PD Love dies when you refuse to be abused. Interesting how that works.

I'm not sure their love dies, but they are left not knowing what to do when you stop dancing the dance of dysfunction.  They've never known anything else in their lives... .the thought that there could be something else, something better... .well, some will refuse to believe there is something else, and find someone else to dance willing to dance with them. 
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« Reply #55 on: November 01, 2013, 10:16:04 AM »

There is an opportunity to get off it, get real and heal, but the emotions are just too strong, and without the ability to self-soothe, it is just too painful, along with the fear of abandonment, a borderline's primary fear, which they are positive will happen if they open up and show who they really are; a borderline doesn't like herself, why would anyone else?  And we can see what is going on but that same repression makes it so the borderline can't. 

Hi fromheeltoheal.  In a sense I feel like my BPDex reached this point with me, and his fear materialized.  He poured himself out to me (I was pretty much a complete stranger to him)... .I couldn't handle what he told me (nor the way he told me), and how unstable he was, it triggered some insane stuff inside of me, realizations of past relationships, etc. and I put space between us.  I'm still feeling guilty about having rejected a borderline who opened up, admitted to who and what he was.  I think he did want help though, but I always questionned whether he was being manipulative.  If anything, he just didn't know how to go about getting help, and couldn't bring himself to go to therapy.  I guess my only consolation is that I (we) are not equipped to truly help them get better.  We are not professionals, willing to dedicate our life to making this person get better. That's what mental health professionals are there for.  When I told him that, he responded "but they're strangers" - all I could think of was: and who the hell do you think I am?... .
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« Reply #56 on: November 01, 2013, 10:28:06 AM »

PD Love dies when you refuse to be abused. Interesting how that works.

I'm not sure their love dies, but they are left not knowing what to do when you stop dancing the dance of dysfunction.  They've never known anything else in their lives... .the thought that there could be something else, something better... .well, some will refuse to believe there is something else, and find someone else to dance willing to dance with them.  

Scary thought.

Still feel horrible though. Hate the disorder. Too many painful memories . Been too much. Past the point of patience. What's left of my heart wouldn't interest a starving a rat.
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« Reply #57 on: November 01, 2013, 11:49:20 AM »

i got caught in her net.  how?  i bleeping jumped into it, that's how,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) !  she didn't look for me, entrap me, catch me, or do anything else (initially) that i could call underhanded.  i wasn't taken as a hostage ~ oh no, i was drawn to her like a magnet!

Me too!
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« Reply #58 on: November 01, 2013, 11:53:04 AM »

amazing.  this site is amazing!  no matter where we are on our journey,  what phase/stage we're in, there are always others here that can relate to it, can extend a helping hand, or even just a shoulder to cry on.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Agreed, and the reason why I keep harping on  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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EdR
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 435


« Reply #59 on: November 01, 2013, 12:11:56 PM »

Interesting points here, and I think you guys have done a great job.  In my view, BPD is *like* an addiction, though not one per se.  (That said, addictions in and of themselves are a regular part of the BPD experience.)  In order for someone to get better from BPD, at some point they have to feel that there is nothing worse than BPD and that they need help.  From what I've come across, people with BPD who have gotten help hit some sort of a bottom wheher they felt something, anything is better than the pain.  It was only then they were able to do the work for facing up with their demons.

Until and unless someone with BPD gets to that point, they won't get any help.  Simple as that.

In bold/italics.

And to further compound that... .

If they are surrounded by enablers... .

You know the fake friends/bad family members... .

Will that step be reached... .?

Unfortunately... .this is my conclusion as well :-(
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