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Author Topic: Who turned up?  (Read 3829 times)
eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
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« Reply #60 on: November 06, 2013, 03:55:07 PM »

SD --

Brilliant:

I'm really not being a smart-alec in this. I look at it as an investment. As the "manager" of the emotional portfolio the first logical question asked is always, "What is the track record. Is this a safe investment?, What is the margin of gain in relation to RISK of investment".  

One has to ask themselves what IS and be clear what the risks ARE. Sometimes just sitting tight and doing nothing is the SAFER bet when in doubt.

For me at a certain point I just had to STOP THE NONSENSE and the emotional bleed out in the face of potential emotional bankruptcy.

Eric1 --

The only thing that is keeping me NC now is pride.

Perhaps that's why you have it?... .
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Waifed
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« Reply #61 on: November 06, 2013, 04:02:21 PM »

Eric - I think there is a strong possibility she had another motive in coming.  Especially since you said that she hadn't been to any of the other games.  Glad your pride is winning out.  GOOD for that. 

Also - it is possible that you don't really love HER at all.  You love who you have imagined her to be and something about her unavailability to you FEELS like love to you.  This, I am finding from research is usually an issue for nons that stay with these people - and keeps them "drawn" to them.  Keep loving yourself more!

Waifed - sorry about that.  Obviously my post was nowhere near flirty/joking - I was DEAD serious. NO!  We have to save ourselves from these people.  Sorry for that trigger.  I officially change it to:

No contact!  No Contact!  No contact!  No Contact! No Contact!

LMAO!  That is too funny.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #62 on: November 07, 2013, 02:36:24 AM »

Do you think it's because I seen her that i'm feeling like this now?

I can't stop thinking about her, remembering the good times & what we could have had. Thinking What if.

Its bad.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #63 on: November 07, 2013, 02:43:19 AM »

You haven't detached Eric - which is natural considering the bond.

When you think of her move the focus onto you and find the reasons why you got involved with a disordered person who could never give you what you wanted.
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Lady31
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« Reply #64 on: November 07, 2013, 02:49:56 AM »

Yes, I think you seeing her could have you ruminating again.  That happened to me some when I seemed to be JUST fine (barely thought of my exh - happy with life and what I was working on) - and then BAM, he text about something out of nowhere and it would start.

I would think - uh, WHAT?  I was just fine two days ago, didn't care what or who he was doing. 

It's part of it.  I promise you it WILL PASS.  It passed for me EVERY time.  You just have to hold out past what you are feeling right in this moment.  Focus on the other things in your life, post here to get your feelings out like you are doing, and read the list of all the horrible things she did AT LEAST once per day.

This will help the longing feelings.  Also, keep your guard up.  Since she hasn't heard from you yet, I'm guessing she will up the anti.  You play poker?  I LOVE it and my bet is - she's going to call your bluff.  Be ready.  The next step may be actually TALKING to you at one of your games.  She will try to get you to go all in.  FOLD.
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Eric1
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« Reply #65 on: November 07, 2013, 03:27:24 AM »

Yes, I think you seeing her could have you ruminating again.  That happened to me some when I seemed to be JUST fine (barely thought of my exh - happy with life and what I was working on) - and then BAM, he text about something out of nowhere and it would start.

I would think - uh, WHAT?  I was just fine two days ago, didn't care what or who he was doing. 

It's part of it.  I promise you it WILL PASS.  It passed for me EVERY time.  You just have to hold out past what you are feeling right in this moment.  Focus on the other things in your life, post here to get your feelings out like you are doing, and read the list of all the horrible things she did AT LEAST once per day.

This will help the longing feelings.  Also, keep your guard up.  Since she hasn't heard from you yet, I'm guessing she will up the anti.  You play poker?  I LOVE it and my bet is - she's going to call your bluff.  Be ready.  The next step may be actually TALKING to you at one of your games.  She will try to get you to go all in.  FOLD.

She won't come to anymore games as her brother has hurt himself and won't be playing for the foreseable future. I think part of it is she didn't make any attempt to speak to me, either in text form or a phone call, just to see how i was etc. But, then again, i told her not to contact me, so... .

I can't see me breaking no contact now.
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Eric1
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« Reply #66 on: November 07, 2013, 05:48:07 AM »

This is driving me insane now. I can't stop thinking about everything, the relationship, the break up, good times, bad times, what ifs, should i contact, shouldn't i, what if i do, what if i don't.

Not doing well at all.
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Lady31
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« Reply #67 on: November 07, 2013, 06:15:31 AM »

Eric -

Of course you feel that way.  That is to be expected.  You have let your mind go like a run away train with skewed thoughts of your ex and the relationship.  Feelings always follow thoughts. 

You have to take control of your mind.  It is there to serve you.  Get out your list (or make it asap if you haven't) of all the crappy things your ex did in the relationship along with her character traits that were harmful or unacceptable to you.  Start reading it - over and over again throughout the day.

Your mind has been building up this way and now your feelings are overflowing.  It will take just a little time to put things back in balance, and then your feelings will start following.

Make a plan.  If you want to try to get through this and not break contact you will have to do this.  If you keep letting your mind run all over you, you will not see the relationship or her clearly, the feelings of longing will intensify and you will break NC only to be hurt again and have to start over.

Try it.  If you are going to contact her anyway, you can always do that in a week or 2 weeks from now.  You don't have to do it right now.  You can try this approach, get control back of yourself and your mind.  Then your feelings will follow.  I promise.  Those feelings you are having now for her are only there because you have been allowing your mind to lie to you.
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EdR
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« Reply #68 on: November 07, 2013, 06:45:47 AM »

This is driving me insane now. I can't stop thinking about everything, the relationship, the break up, good times, bad times, what ifs, should i contact, shouldn't i, what if i do, what if i don't.

Not doing well at all.

Eric1, first of all, don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of members seem to have trouble these weeks. I personally have a lot of trouble, as I already told you.

And then... I am even in a very different position than most of the members around here: not engaged, not married, no kids etc. etc... Which makes me even feel more ridiculous, because I should have far less trouble coping than the rest of you  :'(

Try to remain strong. Like other people said: detox. I will try it again as well. And again, and again if I must.

Hang on.

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Eric1
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« Reply #69 on: November 07, 2013, 07:10:28 AM »

I would like to get back with her - Thats my problem.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #70 on: November 07, 2013, 10:23:23 AM »

eric1. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to b eback with her. I still want back with mine. I have to see mine alot through our work and she makes sure I see her. BUt what has helped me is why would I really go back. I have wnet back 10 times at least from small 3 or 4 days break ups to 2 month break ups and each time it was almost identical over and over. She would promise the world, deliever for a few weeks and then the same things would start again. and then the push away and then break up. I figured out that this relationship has cost me 3 yeasr of my life and about $10,000. not alot but more then I would want to throw away and thats what i did. wasted time and money and if I went back it would be the same. Thats what helps me. Heys, its been 4 months out of hell and I do feel pretty good.
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Eric1
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« Reply #71 on: November 07, 2013, 11:04:25 AM »

eric1. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to b eback with her. I still want back with mine. I have to see mine alot through our work and she makes sure I see her. BUt what has helped me is why would I really go back. I have wnet back 10 times at least from small 3 or 4 days break ups to 2 month break ups and each time it was almost identical over and over. She would promise the world, deliever for a few weeks and then the same things would start again. and then the push away and then break up. I figured out that this relationship has cost me 3 yeasr of my life and about $10,000. not alot but more then I would want to throw away and thats what i did. wasted time and money and if I went back it would be the same. Thats what helps me. Heys, its been 4 months out of hell and I do feel pretty good.

I haven't had to put up with all the crap, but I do miss the other parts of her. Would I be different? Yes, i've learnt a lot, about her & about me. Would she be different? I don't know. She's still seeing this new bloke, so theres not much i can do!
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #72 on: November 07, 2013, 11:16:02 AM »

I would like to get back with her - Thats my problem.

eric big kudos to you for 1) being able to admit that to yourself and 2) being able to admit it to us.

many many many times i heard myself saying the right words ("it's over, i'm never taking her back, i'm through, never again, i want to detach from her" etc) but not really meaning it.  or being torn.  feeling ambiguous.

as they say in 12 step programs, admitting the problem is the 1st step.  but then you have to do a lot of work!

and you have to dig and read and lean on people to get to that space where you will do what you know is right for you, even tho you want (perhaps even desperately at times, in the fetal position) to do what you know is not right for you, not in your best interests.

the people, the knowledge, the kinship, the understanding, on these boards are priceless.

i believe you have the capacity to do what is best for you, eric. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #73 on: November 07, 2013, 01:32:15 PM »

Reckon I should just drop her a message then? See how things are?
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Aw511
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« Reply #74 on: November 07, 2013, 01:47:06 PM »

For me this has always been true: Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

You'll know if and when you are ready to let her go. Maybe you just haven't had enough yet. Maybe you never will. Only you can decide that.

Personally, I have an extremely low tolerance for emotional pain, so as soon as something toxic enters my life, as much as I may love it, I know I have to let it go. Sometimes I wish I was stronger in that sense. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. Maybe my replacement will fight harder than I did. But I'd rather be without my ex-BPD than in the ground with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Morbid, yes. But for me, reality.

Just be honest with yourself. If you contact her, and something doesn't feel right. Don't ignore it.
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Eric1
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« Reply #75 on: November 07, 2013, 02:17:35 PM »

I don't know. She's seeing someone & I'm not one to get involved. But, she called and texted me. I asked does her new bloke know and she said yes. I then asked 'to the extent you have been?' She said no. She's broke no contact before, does that mean I can?
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #76 on: November 07, 2013, 02:24:39 PM »

Reckon I should just drop her a message then? See how things are?

me?  no i didn't say that.  this board is "L3 Leaving: detaching from the wounds of a failed BPD r/s" (Support for those in a failed or failing romantic relationship ) so generally the advice you'll get here is how to DETACH.  but, as someone else said, maybe you're not ready for that yet.  how much worse does it have to get with her, how much more pain do you reckon you need, to be ready to detach?

have you checked out other boards, like

"L5 Staying: improving a r/s w/ a borderline partner (support for those committed to working on a romantic r/s"... .or

"L2 Undecided: staying or leaving (support for assessing a romantic r/s)... .

but... .then again, didn't you say she has a new boyfriend?  so, you're not IN a r/s with her anymore, right?   still, much good reading on L5 and L2.  sometimes seeing how much pain others' are in and stay in, in order to keep a r/s w/a pwBPD alive, can be very eye-opening.

i rather like the advice you've been given here to wait 1-2 weeks and then if you still want to contact her, revisit the issue with yourself.  in the meantime, look to the right hand side of these boards - lots of good reading - might even consider it "must read" for healing.  besides, what's the harm in waiting 2 weeks?  (and, if we realize we can't wait, or it's very difficult to wait, is a good indicator that we are addicted to the pwBPD ~ and what's a good strategy for an addiction?  NC!)

I don't know. She's seeing someone & I'm not one to get involved. But, she called and texted me. I asked does her new bloke know and she said yes. I then asked 'to the extent you have been?' She said no. She's broke no contact before, does that mean I can?

umm, you already did break NC, when you answered her calls, and read and/or responded to her texts.  but NC is not mandatory nor is it the end all be all of cures.  we put it in place to protect ourselves, to give us time to think, to understand, and to heal.  are you giving yourself the opportunity to do that.  think.

good luck on your journey,

icu2




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Waifed
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« Reply #77 on: November 07, 2013, 02:27:19 PM »

Eric,

What everyone is trying to tell you is YOU have to be ready to move on.  They are also telling you indirectly that you may recycle with her again, maybe again, etc. but eventually you will be where you are right now.  YOU have to be ready to move one.  It is HARD.  I am 2-1/2 months or so NC and it is still hard for me at times.  I still think about her every day, but I know 100% that I am not going back. I now realize that it is NEVER going to work with her.  She is mentally ill and refuses to accept or believe it.  YOU will eventually get to this point.  If she is BPD you have already gotten the best you will ever get out of her.  I promise you that.  It does NOT improve for any extended amount of time.  Hang tough. We are all here for you.
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Eric1
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« Reply #78 on: November 07, 2013, 03:02:03 PM »

I need patience. I was doing fine until I seen her Saturday, so I'll let this phase pass.

Part of me hopes we can eventually sort everything out and get back, then part tells me to move on.

I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.
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BlackOrWhite

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« Reply #79 on: November 07, 2013, 03:17:05 PM »

She won't come to anymore games as her brother has hurt himself and won't be playing for the foreseable future. I think part of it is she didn't make any attempt to speak to me, either in text form or a phone call, just to see how i was etc. But, then again, i told her not to contact me, so... .

I can't see me breaking no contact now. [/quote]
Well than thats good. At least she is expecting your wishes and boundaries. That is pretty big for a BPD. I mean she could be calling you 20 times a day from different numbers or sending you crazy emails or stalking you.
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BlackOrWhite

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« Reply #80 on: November 07, 2013, 03:18:00 PM »

wow sorry i don't know how to quote and half those words were spelled wrong, sorry on a phone.
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Hazelrah
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« Reply #81 on: November 07, 2013, 03:24:02 PM »

I need patience. I was doing fine until I seen her Saturday, so I'll let this phase pass.

Part of me hopes we can eventually sort everything out and get back, then part tells me to move on.

I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.

Eric,

I'd caution you on being dependent on finding someone else in order to help you move on.  Maybe that isn't exactly what you meant, but there is a lot of work many of us (myself included) need to do in order to find happiness for ourselves, without depending on someone else to provide that happiness or fill that emptiness inside of us. As everyone else has said, that is hard to do, but it is worth it.  I'm recovering from losing a BPD wife that I loved dearly, but who upped and left out of nowhere.  I never want to feel the devastation I felt those first two months afterwards ever again... .I've since come to realize some of that pain was due to shortcomings of my own, namely being fully dependent on someone else for my happiness.  Unlike someone else's issues, be they BPD or otherwise, that is something I am actually able to fix for myself. 

Keep chugging along Eric... .it will get better.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #82 on: November 07, 2013, 03:43:46 PM »



I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.

Thadda boy! Dats right! Your young. Dang... .you only live once, live it UP!

Or live it DOWN.   Either way that's on you.  
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Clearmind
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« Reply #83 on: November 07, 2013, 05:38:48 PM »

Staff only

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