Why BPD Breakups end Badly

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

[/quote]
I also think that accepting that someone would feel this way about you is actually a healthy esteem thing. I believed that I had so much love to give and that I am a really good person and have a lot to offer so when someone recognized this ( I thought) it didn't raise red flags for me. I was able to buy it. I still feel that way and it's one reason I am having a hard time with this. Among other things the time wasted and how I thought he felt about me wasn't even real. [/quote]
I agree. There was a small part of me that thought he was over the top at times, but he was SO convincing, and I thought, ya know what... .I deserve someone who thinks I am the most wonderful, prettiest girl in the world, so I went with it. I believed him because HE believed him. In contrast, I dated another guy a while back who had many similar characteristics, (though I suspect more NPD) including the idealization bit, but I could sense the bull___ with him. It seemed like an act, whereas with my exBPD, he truly seemed to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, and so I did too.

It is baffling that they can just walk away after all of it, so seemingly unscathed... .

[Aw511]

[/quote]
I also think that accepting that someone would feel this way about you is actually a healthy esteem thing. I believed that I had so much love to give and that I am a really good person and have a lot to offer so when someone recognized this ( I thought) it didn't raise red flags for me. I was able to buy it. I still feel that way and it's one reason I am having a hard time with this. Among other things the time wasted and how I thought he felt about me wasn't even real. [/quote]
I agree. There was a small part of me that thought he was over the top at times, but he was SO convincing, and I thought, ya know what... .I deserve someone who thinks I am the most wonderful, prettiest girl in the world, so I went with it. I believed him because HE believed him. In contrast, I dated another guy a while back who had many similar characteristics, (though I suspect more NPD) including the idealization bit, but I could sense the bull___ with him. It seemed like an act, whereas with my exBPD, he truly seemed to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, and so I did too.

It is baffling that they can just walk away after all of it, so seemingly unscathed... .

[Pretty Woman]

Finding,

    Again, please do not beat yourself up.  So you pulled away, this was new to you. We all do it at times. It's not your fault.

You are a beautiful, loving person. Do not lose faith or confidence in yourself because of this. I know holidays are hard. I am going out for a little holiday celebration with friends tonight. Be happy, have fun... .someone awesome and deserving of FindingMyselfAgain WILL come along, I am 100% confident in that.

Earth 

[Pretty Woman]

Aw,

  Try not to think of this as time wasted. Think of it as an education... .you now have a certificate in this.

I know that is not what you wanted but you have learned some valuable lessons, haven't you? This was a gift. A gift that will propel you into a better, healthier relationship eventually.

Earth 

[Mutt]

This part of your story is exactly what I was told as well.  In fact, I have texts that quote the "liberated from an abusive man, finally" almost verbatim!

And I share the hurt you feel when we are thought of as abusers and failures when in fact, the opposite is true.  

Thus, I choose to be what I am:  A caring, successful, not-perfect, trusting, and loving individual who is willing to work hard at a relationship.  And what I've learned from the past 8 years is that I will be more diligent with my feelings and with the actions of the other.   I will not repeat this mistake ever again.

D

Hi TakingWingAtLast,

What she perceives/distorts as "abuse" is the fact that I stopped enabling her. I had put my foot down on certain issues and I didn't budge. Crazy doesn't want help or to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled! Those same boundaries were also distorted as control. I'm not sure about you, but my problems with her kicked into high gear when I stopped stooping to her level and set boundaries. Bad went to worse.

I'll never forget that conversation I had with her outside of her place 3 weeks after she left. I didn't know about PD then and I was gobsmacked by what came out of her mouth. I walked away stunned/hurt.

Verbatim "Me and the replacement we're just friends. Now we sleep together so we're boyfriend/girlfriend"  "I'm not moving in with replacement or anyone for a longtime, he's just a friend" "I feel amazing! My friends told me you did it! You got out!"

Everything that she said was the complete opposite. She had an emotional/physical affair for a year before moving out with replacement. Replacement slept over a week after almost every night and would leave for work and come back from work and stay there. He still had a house. It's shoving this guy down everyone's throats and especially on my kids that's toughest. They live with her. He's not the first replacement that I will have to deal with and not to mention the fall-out that I will have help the kids with in the future. I have to be the one that's there for the kids. She doesn't have the capacity to help others, only herself.

That same day she told the kids in front of me "mom and dad are divorced now" Um no? We've been separated 3 weeks! Your distorting the kids to excuse the behavior of having another man in the house in front of the kids?

I emulate with your sympathy. The r/s are about the length of time. I'm not sure about you. I was a decent man when I came into the r/s and my limits and sanity were tested to the limit. The gaslighting/projection/pretzel logic ... .almost had me convinced that I was really the problem. There was something always keeping me anchored in reality. I can also empathise with you when you say you'll never make this mistake again. This woman nearly broke my psyche as a sane man. Thank god a family member hinted at BPD. I never want to revisit that place again.

[Aw511]

Aw,

  Try not to think of this as time wasted. Think of it as an education... .you now have a certificate in this.

I know that is not what you wanted but you have learned some valuable lessons, haven't you? This was a gift. A gift that will propel you into a better, healthier relationship eventually.

Earth 

It is so true! Grateful for the lesson, but I can't help but shake my fists at the sky and say REALLY? ANOTHER LESSON? I THINK I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH AT THIS POINT!

[TakingWingAtLast]

This part of your story is exactly what I was told as well.  In fact, I have texts that quote the "liberated from an abusive man, finally" almost verbatim!

And I share the hurt you feel when we are thought of as abusers and failures when in fact, the opposite is true.  

Thus, I choose to be what I am:  A caring, successful, not-perfect, trusting, and loving individual who is willing to work hard at a relationship.  And what I've learned from the past 8 years is that I will be more diligent with my feelings and with the actions of the other.   I will not repeat this mistake ever again.

D

Hi TakingWingAtLast,

What she perceives/distorts as "abuse" is the fact that I stopped enabling her. I had put my foot down on certain issues and I didn't budge. Crazy doesn't want help or to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled! Those same boundaries were also distorted as control. I'm not sure about you, but my problems with her kicked into high gear when I stopped stooping to her level and set boundaries. Bad went to worse.

I'll never forget that conversation I had with her outside of her place 3 weeks after she left. I didn't know about PD then and I was gobsmacked by what came out of her mouth. I walked away stunned/hurt.

Verbatim "Me and the replacement we're just friends. Now we sleep together so we're boyfriend/girlfriend"  "I'm not moving in with replacement or anyone for a longtime, he's just a friend" "I feel amazing! My friends told me you did it! You got out!"

Everything that she said was the complete opposite. She had an emotional/physical affair for a year before moving out with replacement. Replacement slept over a week after almost every night and would leave for work and come back from work and stay there. He still had a house. It's shoving this guy down everyone's throats and especially on my kids that's toughest. They live with her. He's not the first replacement that I will have to deal with and not to mention the fall-out that I will have help the kids with in the future. I have to be the one that's there for the kids. She doesn't have the capacity to help others, only herself.

That same day she told the kids in front of me "mom and dad are divorced now" Um no? We've been separated 3 weeks! Your distorting the kids to excuse the behavior of having another man in the house in front of the kids?

I emulate with your sympathy. The r/s are about the length of time. I'm not sure about you. I was a decent man when I came into the r/s and my limits and sanity were tested to the limit. The gaslighting/projection/pretzel logic ... .almost had me convinced that I was really the problem. There was something always keeping me anchored in reality. I can also empathise with you when you say you'll never make this mistake again. This woman nearly broke my psyche as a sane man. Thank god a family member hinted at BPD. I never want to revisit that place again.

Mutt,

Yes, I noticed the similar length in time.  

My limits and sanity were absolutely tested.  I never allowed her to cross boundaries.  I would politely ask, then more firmly ask, then get louder as I fought for my boundaries. Rarely did anything of this work, so I would eventually take a walk or drive, or leave for the night to maintain my boundaries.   Now I understand that for her, it made the fear of abandonment worse.  As time went on, this was the paradigm that worsened over time.  We discussed this breech of boundary crossing ad nauseum at every therapy session we ever had.  NOTHING ever changed.   I hated our therapy sessions because there was never any resolution.  I almost always left madder than I was when I entered.   NOW, I know it's because the expwBPD always started the session first, blamed me for whatever, then the rest was about terrible ol' me.  We went for years in therapy, that's how much I tried to make this work.   Had I have known about BPD, then I might have been able to change what I was doing.  

I'm getting all worked up just writing this... . Blood pressure up!  Heart rate, UP!   Eyes dilated.   Leg is shaking.   Can you spell adrenaline?  

May have to go run and work it off!

D

[Mutt]

Mutt,

Yes, I noticed the similar length in time.  

My limits and sanity were absolutely tested.  I never allowed her to cross boundaries.  I would politely ask, then more firmly ask, then get louder as I fought for my boundaries. Rarely did anything of this work, so I would eventually take a walk or drive, or leave for the night to maintain my boundaries.   Now I understand that for her, it made the fear of abandonment worse.  As time went on, this was the paradigm that worsened over time.  We discussed this breech of boundary crossing ad nauseum at every therapy session we ever had.  NOTHING ever changed.   I hated our therapy sessions because there was never any resolution.  I almost always left madder than I was when I entered.   NOW, I know it's because the expwBPD always started the session first, blamed me for whatever, then the rest was about terrible ol' me.  We went for years in therapy, that's how much I tried to make this work.   Had I have known about BPD, then I might have been able to change what I was doing.  

I'm getting all worked up just writing this... . Blood pressure up!  Heart rate, UP!   Eyes dilated.   Leg is shaking.   Can you spell adrenaline?  

May have to go run and work it off!

D

Oy. Marriage Counseling. Couple's Therapy.

I know this one all too well. It was like entering The Twilight Zone for 60 minutes.

She spent her time winning the counselor's over.

She was saying things that had never happened or weren't real. I looked like the husband that "couldn't get it" because I couldn't understand what she was talking about. I was frustrated and on one occasion the Therapist was taking her side but he didn't know what the pre-text was and the pent up frustration and I looked like the bad guy again, because I was losing my temper. I had told him as much, I was done with her winning over counselor's and using them as a proxy or taking her side.

I took control in one session. I dilligently wrote out all of the issues with the marriage and the issues I had with my spouse. I purposely lead the session and wasn't going to get swayed into her nonsense again. She stormed out the first 10 minutes and session over.

Marriage counselling never worked. Not one person had picked up on the black/white thinking. They're professionals. I lived with this 24/7. Counselling and Therapy works, but it doesn't in these cases. She would pout and be angry if the session went particularly well and what she perceived as the Therapist agreeing with me.

I didn't walk away enough during her rages/tantrums. If I did, it was endless calls to my cell. When are you coming back. One episode I will never forget. She was especially prickly and agressive that night. I said "I've had enough!, I'm going to my sister's and staying there!" This was in the kitchen. She had gone upstairs and was on the landing. In a calm, collected disposition she said in a sweet, quiet voice "Please don't go." She had snapped out of rage-mode into a normal demeanor in seconds. I was still worked up and left for my sister's. I couldn't believe the change.

Thanks for sharing TakingWingAtLast .

There is a beggining to these r/s and you go through the motions until it's scripted end.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

Mutt,

That IS the million dollar question!

I think that as many people have different reasons for developing BPD., there are probably just as many reasons for the Nons too.  

Some of us were vulnerable when we met.  Basically healthy, but vulnerable.   Then the BPD took us somewhere down the rabbit hole.  Others had genuine issues that fit the BPD.  This has been discussed in other threads.  Apparently someone with NPD is likely to match up with BPD.  Others still might be completely healthy, and the pwBPD was extremely skillful at their illness.  I think there must be a spectrum of the Nons "health".  

For myself, I was vulnerable but basically healthy.   A bad combo with one of the most skillful pwBPD that I've even read about.  She is smart!   Even with her bipolar and BPD.  Exquisitely skillful at manipulation!

Just my thoughts!   What do you think of this idea?

D

She was skillfull at her illness, at least in the beggining. But it showed through the cracks and I chose to go against my intuition.

In the very beggining I was supposed to meet her and I chose to go to the bar with my bestfriend and his new girlfriend at the time. I get a call from her and she is raging on the phone. My intuition told me there is something really wrong here. She kept calling after that conversation!

I can throw depression, loneliness, not having a lot of relationships, wanting a LTR, wanting to settle down and have kids into the mix. Everything doesn't have to be black and white, but I would say that's more in the gray area and they certainly weren't core issues. It was simply a need and I chose to ignore the red flags to fulfill those needs.

Biggest mistake that I made in my life is ignoring my intuition and I don't want to make the same mistakes... I hear someone telling me story to gain sympathy, I automatically think "this person is bad news" and want nothing to do with them. Eject!



I think the painful parts of these break ups is thinking that things will get better when you were with them. Why did I think this? The lack of sympathy, empathy, the sudden break-up with little to no effort at an explanation as to why, the pretzel logic, gaslighting, things getting twisted around that you are the abusive one that cannot understand their needs. Mine simply threw everything on me and refuses to see the pain and hurt she puts on others, and acted as if she was "liberated from an abusive man, finally!"  Blatantly destroying a family and not being able to empathise the kids feelings/needs for new shiny object.

She cannot see me for the man that I am with good qualities, not someone with bad qualities that quantifies me as a whole. She can't see the gray. That's the most hurtful part for me. I'm not this person that is in her reality that she paints to her sycophants.

I'm someone completely different.

See your already on your way to learning from mistakes. Most people fall for the sympathy card but not us anymore! Right!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

Definitely no offense! I just wanted to be clear that I'm not saying I don't have things to learn and am definitely analyzing my decisions regarding relationships.

[Mutt]

See your already on your way to learning from mistakes. Most people fall for the sympathy card but not us anymore! Right!

High five! It's something to be proud about. I suprised myself when my new spidey-senses kicked in right away!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

See your already on your way to learning from mistakes. Most people fall for the sympathy card but not us anymore! Right!

High five! It's something to be proud about. I suprised myself when my new spidey-senses kicked in right away!

That's awesome! Good for you mutt! High five back at ya!

Walking away from someone who has problems does not make us a bad person it makes us self aware of the dangers. There is a time to help someone and a time to be self protective. Learning the difference is important for us.

I think we'll be ok! We're taking the time and effort putting in the work on ourselves and understanding what happened unlike some people. Definitely something to be proud of.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

Mutt,

That IS the million dollar question!

I think that as many people have different reasons for developing BPD., there are probably just as many reasons for the Nons too. 

Some of us were vulnerable when we met.  Basically healthy, but vulnerable.   Then the BPD took us somewhere down the rabbit hole.  Others had genuine issues that fit the BPD.  This has been discussed in other threads.  Apparently someone with NPD is likely to match up with BPD.  Others still might be completely healthy, and the pwBPD was extremely skillful at their illness.  I think there must be a spectrum of the Nons "health". 

For myself, I was vulnerable but basically healthy.   A bad combo with one of the most skillful pwBPD that I've even read about.  She is smart!   Even with her bipolar and BPD.  Exquisitely skillful at manipulation!

Just my thoughts!   What do you think of this idea?

D

I believe this sums up pretty concisely what I believe happened to me in bold. Mine was also very skilled and practiced in the manipulation and as it turns out very deceitful.

I also concur with the vulnerability. I think for me this was a key issue. Being vulnerable isn't a defect or a state of up healthiness though.

I liken it to if someone car jacked me at the mall when someone comes up to talk to me and I was trusting they were just a normal person asking a question. Is it my fault that they did this? No! Was I vulnerable. Yes. I was distracted holding packages, maybe other things on my mind and should haven been more vigilant but it's hard for me to grasp that someone would even do this! I'm just going about my daily life needing to shop. Does this make me wrong for being there. Of course not. Will it make me more aware in the future and maybe stay away from the mall or get in my car right away and not dawdle? Absolutely!

Did I NEED to learn from this situation in order to have a better life? No. Most people never have to learn this lesson. But it did happen and there is nothing I can do but try to be more carefull and deal with my emotional recovery.

May not be a perfect analogy but you get the idea.

[Mutt]

May not be a perfect analogy but you get the idea.

You articulated very well.   

[TakingWingAtLast]

Oy. Marriage Counseling. Couple's Therapy.

I know this one all too well. It was like entering The Twilight Zone for 60 minutes.

She spent her time winning the counselor's over.

She was saying things that had never happened or weren't real. I looked like the husband that "couldn't get it" because I couldn't understand what she was talking about. I was frustrated and on one occasion the Therapist was taking her side but he didn't know what the pre-text was and the pent up frustration and I looked like the bad guy again, because I was losing my temper. I had told him as much, I was done with her winning over counselor's and using them as a proxy or taking her side.

I took control in one session. I dilligently wrote out all of the issues with the marriage and the issues I had with my spouse. I purposely lead the session and wasn't going to get swayed into her nonsense again. She stormed out the first 10 minutes and session over.

Marriage counselling never worked. Not one person had picked up on the black/white thinking. They're professionals. I lived with this 24/7. Counselling and Therapy works, but it doesn't in these cases. She would pout and be angry if the session went particularly well and what she perceived as the Therapist agreeing with me.

I didn't walk away enough during her rages/tantrums. If I did, it was endless calls to my cell. When are you coming back. One episode I will never forget. She was especially prickly and agressive that night. I said "I've had enough!, I'm going to my sister's and staying there!" This was in the kitchen. She had gone upstairs and was on the landing. In a calm, collected disposition she said in a sweet, quiet voice "Please don't go." She had snapped out of rage-mode into a normal demeanor in seconds. I was still worked up and left for my sister's. I couldn't believe the change.

Thanks for sharing TakingWingAtLast .

There is a beggining to these r/s and you go through the motions until it's scripted end.

WOW, Mutt!  That is EXACTLY what happened to me!   I had to get away!  30+ times in 5 years.  9 police calls, 5 times where I was gone for more than two weeks.    The suicide call brought me back every time... .

D

[TakingWingAtLast]

I liken it to if someone car jacked me at the mall when someone comes up to talk to me and I was trusting they were just a normal person asking a question. Is it my fault that they did this? No! Was I vulnerable. Yes. I was distracted holding packages, maybe other things on my mind and should haven been more vigilant but it's hard for me to grasp that someone would even do this! I'm just going about my daily life needing to shop. Does this make me wrong for being there. Of course not. Will it make me more aware in the future and maybe stay away from the mall or get in my car right away and not dawdle? Absolutely!

Iwalk-Heruns,

I love this analogy.  Well said.  And I agree that happened to me as well.

D

[Mutt]

WOW, Mutt!  That is EXACTLY what happened to me!   I had to get away!  30+ times in 5 years.  9 police calls, 5 times where I was gone for more than two weeks.    The suicide call brought me back every time... .

D

I hear stories here so much worse than mine.

The night that I described above where she rubber banded from intense anger to sweetness was the day before I was going to court.

I was charged for assault when she had attacked me. I wasn't hauled down to the police station or anything.

I've had threats of her calling the police often after the break-up and once they called me on my phone.

The police threats as far an intimidation tactic as far as concerned. If I call her on her behavior I get called crazy, 's, lmao's, blamed, projected, lying and sometimes threats that she'll call the police. That call came when I had confronted her on her affair. The affair is huge point of contemptment with her. It's taboo and I will get backlash if it's brought up.

In a nutshell, she's controlling and suppresses the truth by any means, or at least the way that I see. She doesn't want to hear the truth and wants me as far away as possible from her.

Her suicide threats seem different than what I've read on this board. She only mentioned that twice to me. "Mutt, I have dreams and sometimes and I just want to kill myself, I can't stand this place"

Both times iirc, was when I was trying to reason with her when she was trying to distort everything and project. So not so much because I had left the home and stayed with family. There were no actual attempts or ambulance calls, it seemed more like a cry for help. It's all confusing.