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Author Topic: Are my emotions exasperated after the pwBPD?  (Read 10983 times)
misssouthernbelle
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: February 14, 2014, 08:31:34 AM »

After having a short, 4-month relationship with a psychopath a year and a half ago, in which I was severely mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused - and taunted about being potentially physically abused and killed - I haven't been the same.

Before that, I had a very traumatic childhood in which I was mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused.

I never really realized this until I turned 20/21 and the aftershocks of the psychopath brought me to the darkest place I'd ever been. I was numb for about a year. I was never happy. I was suicidal for several months. I felt trapped in the abyss.

My single-parent, controlling, abusive mother denies and doesn't realize what she did to me. My father was and is neglectful, never really seeming to care like he should. I've actually lost all empathy for my mother. That part scares me. When she was in the hospital, it was hard for me to care.

I've become absorbed by my own emotional crisis and issues that I've isolated myself from friends, or only seem to pick people that screw me over and I lose the want to trust them and continue our friendship, due to the hurt I feel. The friends who actually care are busy like me and I feel a burden to call on them. I feel like they wouldn't understand the chaos I call life, nor want to hear about it. Plus, it's always been a show of normalcy. That's all I've ever known how to do... . keep trucking.

I had a very traumatic summer this year. I had a huge fight with my mother and moved to my dads before returning to college for my senior year. I finally had the courage to get away from her, but my dad and stepmother weren't much better. They wound up telling the whole town what I confided in them about my mother, which only created more conflict.

Then, my dad told me that my mom used to beat up on him when they were married and he would take it. My mother denies this with rage and says she never touched him, but that he choked her one time. AFTER ALL MY LIFE, I THINK I DESERVE THE TRUTH.

In school, I was always the very smart, shy, outcast that was never allowed to go out with friends. Not once. Now, I wish someone would have seen through it and turned me in to be evaluated. I didn't realize I was being abused. I thought it was normal. It was the norm to me.

After my fight and split with my mother this summer, I was living with my dad. It wasn't much better because he and my stepmother do not have a good marriage and she has panic attacks and migraines and is very controlling/manipulative. My mother and I started talking again and I moved back to college in August.

Ever since then, my mother has been a trigger for me. I flew into a rage one night because she hovered me after I had a bad day, asking "Is it me?" Just going into my hometown makes me feel uneasy. I think I just suppress it and keep going.

I met the pwBPD at college, through an anonymous app where you can post things and chat with people nearby. He had gotten out of an abusive relationship - I brought it to his attention that being told how worthless he is every day and being beaten wasn't normal - and I set out to be there for him, due to my history. I wasn't romantically interested at first, then he started the idealization. We met and from there on out, I saw the "real", broken him, more and more. He actually put on that anonymous site that he was losing hope for a happy ending after meeting me and I preceded to talk him out of suicide that same day. He said it was because he was triggered into still thinking about his ex... . From there on out, it was a rollercoaster of him idealizing me, disappearing, getting closer, pulling away, mirroring me in a way, and always saying he wanted to come over - bringing it up himself - but always saying he couldn't because of "trust issues". Why bring it up then? He said he didn't want to hurt me because he wasn't over his ex and cut me off over December with little contact, only to return begging for help in January. 

It really began to take a toll on me. I became anxious, depressed, withdrawn, and obsessed with being there for him, worrying every minute of every day that he was okay. It took a toll on my self-esteem too. It's like it injured my already low self-worth. I began thinking it was me. That's why he couldn't get close to me. So, I tried harder. I was more vulnerable. I was emotional and loving even when he was cold. I took him medicine for his panic attacks and left it on his patio, so he wouldn't have to see me and he never even said thank you. I had a panic attack after leaving work... . from him and the idea of having to go home to my abusive mother.

I've honestly never felt so weak, but I had become attached. Even though he never cared about my feelings, maybe sending a "Hope you're having a good day" every once in a while, and always text me when he was upset, I still liked having him there. He totally invalidated me one night by saying "No, I don't know how that feels" when I confided how I felt for the second time in four months. By this point, I couldn't handle it anymore.

I started becoming hostile, slipping a covert, frustrated statement here and there for a week and after he texts me saying he's depressed, I offer support and he ignores my feelings, so I tell him it's pointless to talk about feelings with him. He starts sparring off things that aren't feelings. He says he's raging, panicking, etc. I thought it was weird. He then tells me - after me asking if he can't express his emotions and him saying yes - that he doesn't ever see us being more than "really, really good friends" because he just doesn't feel it anymore and there was never a spark.

I was beyond hurt. He had told me two weeks ago that I understood him better than anyone, it scared him too much, was the biggest comfort in the world, and that he wanted to be waking up to me every day really soon, as he worked on his trust issues. I spouted off that this is why he's always abused. He doesn't let people that actually care in. I said that this was probably why everyone always leaves him... . he plays with their feelings. He said he was sorry my feelings got hurt, he told me he wasn't ready, that I got my revenge, and to stop texting him.

I kept on, and he simply replied "Seriously... ? Okay. Goodbye." I was in shock. He wound up telling me that I was selfish, only wanting to covert him to Christianity and for him to be with me. His final message said that it was apparently all about me, that this was the exact reason he didn't want this... . it was 1000% not what he needed, he told me to enjoy my spread for deception and fable lies (What the heck?), I could be the greatest person in the world but I wasn't for him, he wished me a nice Christian boy whose "signs I read right" and wasn't broken like him, and said I was mad because I didn't get my way and I needed to prepare for life. He ended it by saying this was his last message to me, to have a good life, and goodbye.

I was so hurt. What the h*ll just happened?

Then, I get on that anonymous app to see that posting that he's sleeping in someone's bed, four days after he painted me black. What? That made me break down. Why? Why couldn't I be the stand-in for his ex and him sleep next to me? How pathetic I sound... .

I think everything is starting to hit me at once. It happened like that with the psychopath. I was fine after I broke things off, then it hit me. I had a therapy session last night and it felt good, but I woke up overloaded with emotions this morning.

I literally ached and cried from my soul, the pain was that deep. Then, it goes away. I can actually feel my body suppress it. Coping mechanism learned as a child?

I just know that I'm emotionally spent. I've become a robot. My therapist said I was moderately depressed, which is close to severe and the dangerous zone. I'm not suicidal. I just am tired of being the victim. So tired. I feel invisible. My emotions are compacted. I just am.

I hate that I've come to this point, but the first step is acknowledging and seeking help. I may have been controlled and oppressed by my mom and all the men in my life, but I refuse to become another statistic and to continue the dysfunction I was brought up in and made to believe was normal. Living life like this can't be all there is.

I just hope I can get the help I need before I live life in more pain and trauma than I already do. Why did it take a pwBPD to make me see the light?
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2014, 10:50:34 AM »

I share some of the same experiences as you and I'm sorry about the things you have gone through. You have gone through a lot. I know that idealization phase can be so intoxicating when the person with BPD touches that inner child inside.

The push-pull behavior of a person w/ BPD can be so heart-wrenching and frustrating.

Paint you black is a slang term. Splitting is a coping mechanism for a person w/ BPD. They will undervalue a person or overvalue them. They strive to be perfect inside and can't view themselves as having negative qualities so they project it.

It's painful to see a loved one idealize you and then cut you out of their lives with no logical reason.

I just hope I can get the help I need before I live life in more pain and trauma than I already do. Why did it take a pwBPD to make me see the light?

misssouthernbelle that's a good question and it takes time to get the answers. Healing is a slow process.

I had asked myself the same questions as you did. Why did I get enmeshed and attached to a person w/ BPD?

What did I bring to the table into this r/s and marriage?

It was my codependency and FOO issues.

Please go easy on yourself. This will take time.  

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2014, 11:57:45 AM »

Hi Ms. Belle:  I wrote you on the other thread, but I was very happy to see what you wrote on this one.

Thanks for sharing.  Wow, wow, and wow.  It's very difficult growing up with such pain.  I know. I learned to repress terrible pain as I survived my childhood.  Being alone. Having nowhere to vent my terror anger and pain.  It's why my interaction with my ex wBPD felt familiar and correct for me.  It's why it took so long to get out.  And it's why I'm on the board today.  But I've gotten much better. Recovery is very possible. 

You are not alone.  Many have survived.  Our individual specifics are different, the patterns are so similar that it will astound you. But that fact that the patterns are the same is the reason why we can use the knowledge of people who were here before us to walk a path to freedom and recovery.

And, the fact that you are here is real reason to have hope that things will be different.

As Mutt said, please take it easy and give yourself a break.  Remember HALT, don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. 

Hold on to HOPE since there clearly reason to have it now.

Be kind to yourself.

There are books, resources, and other people that can help.

Congrats.
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