Is it possible that my ex's new relationship will last?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi family.

I've been in NC for 5 months now and have gained a lot of ground but I've had a couple of tough days recently, I'm not sure why. My ex started dating a new guy whilst we were engaged.

A BPD family member posted a comment below back in 2011, it helped a lot so I thought I would share.

Dude - I have read your posts and i feel for you... These relationships wreck you as they take you to such a high then boom dump you to your lowest low... .

You know what i am the best i have ever been in a long time... . i focused on myself... . i surf every morning before i head to the office, am determined to make my partnership at my firm work and after i leave the office i train every day for my martial arts tornament whether it be fitness, sparring, weights, whatever... these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

My point is... . i do not care what she is doing... . my life is where it needs to be... . focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... . I know its easier said then done... . when people said that to me... . i used go huh? how can i focus on myself when all i know is her! isnt being with her who i am? guess what? i realise she was a burden!

Focusing on her was a waste of energy... . lets look at it like this... if she came begging and grovelling could i take her back? sure my ego would be boosted but hey you can get your own value and sense of self worth without defining me by this BPD f""kwit.

Basically the trust is gone... . i will never trust her again... . so no way could i take her back... once trust is gone i know a relationship can never work.

So if she marries the next dude and lives happily ever after... good for her but all i know she is TOXIC for me... . my life is 100 million times better without the drama, anxiety and crazyness.  

If you took her back you would be constantly on edge and worried about what is going on behind your back... . not a life you want to live my friend.

So ill tell you what my therapist told me... . get your balls out of her handbag... . that Louis Vuiton one you bought... . live your life and do not look back...

At the end of the day it is what it is... . they used, lied, cheated and p1ssed off on us... so thats what happened... . thats what it is and good riddance.

I have dated again and no one has taken my heart like my exBPDgf did... . thats the truth... but at least i get a sense of what normal is! no texting other guys on dates with me... no constant re-assurance that im not going to leave her... no constant drama with illnesses where u drop everything to be there... no constant breaking up then making up... . no fireworks everytime i talk to a female... and no worries about f**k whats going on behind my back now... . life without a BPD is great!

So after all that rambling i guess what im saying is... it doesnt matter brother... if the next guy is a soft c**k and lets her lie, deceive, play games, push/pull, split, etc... . and the full ring roll then good luck to them... . your attitude should be F that life for me! poor b~ doesnt know what hes in for.

And dude i think your story is your gf cracked your mate? well if your mate knowingly did that and can be with her... he is stupid... how could you trust someone that has come to you in a deceitful manner anyway? so he is just as pathetic as these BPD vampires.

Take care buddy and remember that you are out... BPD is not your problem... . it is highly unlikely it will not work but if it does, who cares? you dont want her after what she did anyway! value yourself and never settle for a lieing, deceitful nut case. I know i never will again.

Zack

[Zack]

Hi family.

I've been in NC for 5 months now and have gained a lot of ground but I've had a couple of tough days recently, I'm not sure why. My ex started dating a new guy whilst we were engaged.

A BPD family member posted a comment below back in 2011, it helped a lot so I thought I would share.

Dude - I have read your posts and i feel for you... These relationships wreck you as they take you to such a high then boom dump you to your lowest low... .

You know what i am the best i have ever been in a long time... . i focused on myself... . i surf every morning before i head to the office, am determined to make my partnership at my firm work and after i leave the office i train every day for my martial arts tornament whether it be fitness, sparring, weights, whatever... these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

My point is... . i do not care what she is doing... . my life is where it needs to be... . focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... . I know its easier said then done... . when people said that to me... . i used go huh? how can i focus on myself when all i know is her! isnt being with her who i am? guess what? i realise she was a burden!

Focusing on her was a waste of energy... . lets look at it like this... if she came begging and grovelling could i take her back? sure my ego would be boosted but hey you can get your own value and sense of self worth without defining me by this BPD f""kwit.

Basically the trust is gone... . i will never trust her again... . so no way could i take her back... once trust is gone i know a relationship can never work.

So if she marries the next dude and lives happily ever after... good for her but all i know she is TOXIC for me... . my life is 100 million times better without the drama, anxiety and crazyness.  

If you took her back you would be constantly on edge and worried about what is going on behind your back... . not a life you want to live my friend.

So ill tell you what my therapist told me... . get your balls out of her handbag... . that Louis Vuiton one you bought... . live your life and do not look back...

At the end of the day it is what it is... . they used, lied, cheated and p1ssed off on us... so thats what happened... . thats what it is and good riddance.

I have dated again and no one has taken my heart like my exBPDgf did... . thats the truth... but at least i get a sense of what normal is! no texting other guys on dates with me... no constant re-assurance that im not going to leave her... no constant drama with illnesses where u drop everything to be there... no constant breaking up then making up... . no fireworks everytime i talk to a female... and no worries about f**k whats going on behind my back now... . life without a BPD is great!

So after all that rambling i guess what im saying is... it doesnt matter brother... if the next guy is a soft c**k and lets her lie, deceive, play games, push/pull, split, etc... . and the full ring roll then good luck to them... . your attitude should be F that life for me! poor b~ doesnt know what hes in for.

And dude i think your story is your gf cracked your mate? well if your mate knowingly did that and can be with her... he is stupid... how could you trust someone that has come to you in a deceitful manner anyway? so he is just as pathetic as these BPD vampires.

Take care buddy and remember that you are out... BPD is not your problem... . it is highly unlikely it will not work but if it does, who cares? you dont want her after what she did anyway! value yourself and never settle for a lieing, deceitful nut case. I know i never will again.

Zack

[growing_wings]

yes ... . maybe not... . why are you thinking about that?

Some people in the staying board choose to stay with their BPD partners, although there are major sacrifices in their lives. You chose not to sacrifice your life anymore, so do that. Stop thinking about your ex and do what you must do to move on.

not easy? no. but is the best way... .

[In_n_Out]

Dude - I have read your posts and i feel for you... These relationships wreck you as they take you to such a high then boom dump you to your lowest low... .

You know what i am the best i have ever been in a long time... . i focused on myself... . i surf every morning before i head to the office, am determined to make my partnership at my firm work and after i leave the office i train every day for my martial arts tornament whether it be fitness, sparring, weights, whatever... these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

My point is... . i do not care what she is doing... . my life is where it needs to be... . focus on yourself and dont dwell on her and what she is doing... . I know its easier said then done... . when people said that to me... . i used go huh? how can i focus on myself when all i know is her! isnt being with her who i am? guess what? i realise she was a burden!

Focusing on her was a waste of energy... . lets look at it like this... if she came begging and grovelling could i take her back? sure my ego would be boosted but hey you can get your own value and sense of self worth without defining me by this BPD f""kwit.

Basically the trust is gone... . i will never trust her again... . so no way could i take her back... once trust is gone i know a relationship can never work.

So if she marries the next dude and lives happily ever after... good for her but all i know she is TOXIC for me... . my life is 100 million times better without the drama, anxiety and crazyness. 

If you took her back you would be constantly on edge and worried about what is going on behind your back... . not a life you want to live my friend.

So ill tell you what my therapist told me... . get your balls out of her handbag... . that Louis Vuiton one you bought... . live your life and do not look back...

At the end of the day it is what it is... . they used, lied, cheated and p1ssed off on us... so thats what happened... . thats what it is and good riddance.

I have dated again and no one has taken my heart like my exBPDgf did... . thats the truth... but at least i get a sense of what normal is! no texting other guys on dates with me... no constant re-assurance that im not going to leave her... no constant drama with illnesses where u drop everything to be there... no constant breaking up then making up... . no fireworks everytime i talk to a female... and no worries about f**k whats going on behind my back now... . life without a BPD is great!

So after all that rambling i guess what im saying is... it doesnt matter brother... if the next guy is a soft c**k and lets her lie, deceive, play games, push/pull, split, etc... . and the full ring roll then good luck to them... . your attitude should be F that life for me! poor b~ doesnt know what hes in for.

And dude i think your story is your gf cracked your mate? well if your mate knowingly did that and can be with her... he is stupid... how could you trust someone that has come to you in a deceitful manner anyway? so he is just as pathetic as these BPD vampires.

Take care buddy and remember that you are out... BPD is not your problem... . it is highly unlikely it will not work but if it does, who cares? you dont want her after what she did anyway! value yourself and never settle for a lieing, deceitful nut case. I know i never will again.

+1 to this advice.  Key phrase here was:

... . these are all things i stopped doing in my relationship as i was totally devoted to her!

and

i will never trust her again... . so no way could i take her back...

My time as my ex's full time custodial parent/caregiver is over.  I was "hired" to perform that duty for a period of time that was dependent upon HER needs and timetable.  I had no say in the matter.  I too stopped competitive bodybuilding and personal training because my *temporary* full time job with her was too demanding for me to do much of anything else except for what gratified/satisfied or provided directly for HER.  Screw that!

[Johnny Alias]

Good post.

I broke up with mine after four years.

It's been 6 months since she hooked up with new dude.

In that time he threw her clothes on their lawn, got arrested in a bar fight, drunkenly attacked two of her girlfriends together with a torrent of verbal abuse (they are not friends anymore, halos dog bit one of their daughters hard on leg and told her to eff off when she asked for vaccination papers, banned from another couples home for being drunken dicks, uninvited to parties, and she's been hospitalized three times with major abdominal pain caused by drinking.

This is NOT a life I want. She's trash. Period.

Thing is if you marry these people thinking they'll change and grow up YOU ARE WRONG. This crap gets worse and then u divorce and lose your house kids whatever.

There are serious horror stories out there. It won't last between them. People like her need an enemy and eventually he becomes that enemy.

But again who cares?  Not your problem anymore.

[arielleis]

Howdy,

very good question. Here is what's gonna happen. And it's coming from something I lived personally, when I met a "replacement"

First, I will state that I attract those women like there is no tomorrow. When I left my last ex, that's when I came to realize what BPD and Narcissism was. Needless to say, suddenly some of my relationships made a LOT OF sense.

So, you are asking if their relationship could last... . Well. It can BUT simply because the victim puts up with the crap.

About 4 years ago, I fell head over heels with a girl. She professed her love, I was THE ONE, honeymmon and idealization phase like no tomorrow. It lasted for about 6 months then BAM! I dropped the L word. "Rookie mistake", that's when hit hit the fan.

Arguments non stop, she was insulting yada yada yada, I will spare you the details, you know the drill. I told her we would be better off but still continued talking for a couple days then suddenly she tells me she met someone, that this person was EVERYTHING she wanted him to be, tall, beautiful, green eyes bla bla bla. She tried to instill doubts in me... but tough luck, those techniques don't work.

We were meant to go on a trip to Brazil together... . Turns out she went with him. Me, I was, obviously devastated. What da heck just happened? I thought I was THE ONE two weeks ago

Well... . It turns out that a year and a half down the road... . They were through. She supposedly split with him because he was too childish, not mature enough, and incredibly "stupid"... . AND I MET the dude. We had a mano a mano chat. He said he was on a freaking crazy ride with her. She was controlative, constantly putting him down. In the meantime, he met a loving woman and they TRULY seem happy.

Get the point?

Your BPD parasite will wash, rince, repeat, wash, rince, repeat. All you see about them --> FALSE. All you may think of them --> FALSE. All they do --> FALSE. All they think --> ABSOLUTELY DEPRIVED OF COMMON SENSE.

I left my last BPD 5 months ago, called the quits, and she has been vindicative, flaunting her new BF everywhere... . But turns out that know, I know the science behind the madness. She kept telling me she loved me, I was THE ONE (good god, I heard that line a couple times) and then texts me "I met someone, and wanted you to know from me and not from someone else. I still love you very much". She can go suck my BPD magnet This dude, will have to put up with the crap I REFUSED to put up with.

I can be very loving BUT I don't put up with bullcrap. That may be why the discard starts "sooner". As soon as I start seeing red flags, I "test". Those who arent BPD, succeed. Those who are, just keep in failing and then I jump ship.

Again, they will ALWAYS wash, rince, repeat. Idealization will last for 6 months or so... . hit hits the fan, and then, pending on the victim's ability to jump ship (or the BPD to find someone else) it will just go from worse to worser.

AL

[ShadowDancer]

WOW... . powerful! If that doesn't turn your hair white... . nothing will.

[swimjim]

I understand the betrayal. My ex friend betrayed me as well and got seduced by my exBPDgirlfriend. I used to tell him in confidence that she was constantly pressuring me into marriage from the first few months of us dating. He told me that he thought she was toxic and to get rid of her. Then I come to find out he was seeing her behind my back.  I lost a friend and a relationship at the same time. I feel your pain. He is no longer with her. I think he just used her for sex. She has quickly replaced him with a new victim that she moved into her home already.

[Mutt]

If he told you she was toxic and then having sex with her behind your back. What kind of a friend is that?

I want to re-iterate growing_wings's post.

yes ... . maybe not... . why are you thinking about that?

Some people in the staying board choose to stay with their BPD partners, although there are major sacrifices in their lives. You chose not to sacrifice your life anymore, so do that. Stop thinking about your ex and do what you must do to move on.

not easy? no. but is the best way... .

Stay strong.

[Skip]

Your BPD parasite will wash, rince, repeat, wash, rince, repeat. All you see about them --> FALSE. All you may think of them --> FALSE. All they do --> FALSE. All they think --> ABSOLUTELY DEPRIVED OF COMMON SENSE.

First, I will state that I attract those women like there is no tomorrow.

So do you wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat, too?    Or to take it a step further, are we all FALSE?  ABSOLUTELY DEPRIVED OF COMMON SENSE?  

Do we (members here) all follow a script?  How many failed relationships do we have?  How many successful relationships do we have?

Sounds odd when we reverse it.

Re: Is it possible that my ex's new relationship will last?

I loved my ex BPD and in the end the relationship was very hurtful. I struggle for a few years to get it all worked through.

In looking back, I know she loved me but pressures in her life were too much for her to handle.  They were real.  She did her best.  Another women would have weathered all better.  She didn't.

She had some seriously failed relationships before me.  Two after me.  She finally married.  They seem to be doing just fine.  I think she hit on a guy with a style and in a lace in his life that works for them.  I'm happy for them both.

As for me... . when I first left the relationship (or it left me), I thought I was the best thing to ever happen in her life (she said it too) and that I was great to her.

But I've learned a lot about myself and relationships since then and I see that I wasn't as good as I thought I was.  I wasn't a bad guy... . but there are things about women (people in general) that I didn't get, there are ways to deal with difficult situations that I didn't know, there are expectations that I had that were a bit much.

And if I'm really honest with myself, I realize that I, have hurt people in my past by just being me, too.

She's married.  I'm not.  Does that mean anything? 

I'm not sure why we worry about things like "Re: Is it possible that my ex's new relationship will last?' -- many of us do.  I did.

I think its true sign of healing and growth when we realize that this is wrong and to get past it.  Our happiness should not at be built on their failing.  Our self image should not at all built on being better than the ex.

Release with grace.

[Tincup]

WE are probably all replacements... . how did it work for us?

[mitchell16]

WE are probably all replacements... . how did it work for us?

this is a very good point!

[arielleis]

Your BPD parasite will wash, rince, repeat, wash, rince, repeat. All you see about them --> FALSE. All you may think of them --> FALSE. All they do --> FALSE. All they think --> ABSOLUTELY DEPRIVED OF COMMON SENSE.

First, I will state that I attract those women like there is no tomorrow.

So do you wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat, too?    Or to take it a step further, are we all FALSE?  ABSOLUTELY DEPRIVED OF COMMON SENSE?  

Do we (members here) all follow a script?  How many failed relationships do we have?  How many successful relationships do we have?

Sounds odd when we reverse it.

Good point. What I tried to say is that I realized that I have had 3 solid BPD girlfriends, and one that has some traits. I know I wouldn't question some of their behavior at the beginning because I was... . somehow naive. And yes, I do believe all BPD wash rince, dry repeat everytime. It doesn't take long to understand this. Just read the stories on these forums, the BPD traits. All of us can relate to each other because we all lived the same story. The BPD was just different. We all got discardedm regardless of who left who. They all operate the same way. And YES, there is no common sense, when you witness their gaslighting attempts, the stuff they say. Nothing ever makes sense when they are experiencing some relationship power trip. The problem is, we are too much into deep in the relationship to realize it.

AL

[monkeyman]

I kept wondering about that too about my ex.

I've seen some of what is going on with her life now, though we are NC, and I would say definitely not.

Even if they manage to get married.  I suspect they'll move somewhere and she'll jump ship again a short while after.


I hope she meets someone, comes to terms with herself and her fears, and makes something sustainable and healthy.  There is a chance that could come from the relationship she is now, and if that were to happen I would be truly happy for both of them.  That is because I know for certain I am not that person for her.  I already failed to do that one time around.  If she tried to start the cycle back up with me again, I just wouldn't be able to do it. 

[blissful_camper]

My impression is that the person with BPD will continue to 'try on' new relationships until they think they have found one that fits. Just because something lasts doesn't necessarily mean it's a happy relationship. 

My BPD ex reported the same problems in all of his relationships, with one relationship lasting nearly twenty-years, but the unions weren't happy ones.  Not by our non definition. 

Those relationships lacked intimacy (emotional and physical), and there was a lot of high drama and conflict.  My BPD ex blamed much of that on his partners.  However, when I began to experience the same, he admitted that he brought those issues to the table, not his partners.

When a person recognizes they have a major problem and they don't want to do the hard work that is necessary (therapy), they will simply take the 'easy way' and will continue to look for a partner that 'fits' in place of doing the work.   

[Turkish]

WE are probably all replacements... . how did it work for us?

I wasn't a replacement. She booted her short term bf before me to the curb and got a RO on him. Before that guy, it was the Love of her Life which was almost a 2 year r/s. I was the one break in her pattern of younger, narc man-boys. Now she's gone back to one, even immature for his young age. We lasted almost 6 years and had two kids together. It's possible she could last quite a long time with a new guy, being a half time mom and half time teenager, without the stress. I have to accept that.

What we all should accept is that we know what it is like to be in a r/s with our pwBPD.

Actually, I should take my words back... . I was a need fullfillment replacement for both her father (who probably also has BPD or something like it) and the Love of her Life who cheated on her and left her cruelly. She was still wrapped up in him almost two years later when she met me, and she was very honest about it. Just not a replacement in the sense that she dumped him for me. I'll stand alone as the one anomaly in her life, the only man she'll ever have something akin to a mature r/s with.

[myself]

When a person recognizes they have a major problem and they don't want to do the hard work that is necessary (therapy), they will simply take the 'easy way' and will continue to look for a partner that 'fits' in place of doing the work.   

I agree with you. It's as if scapegoats were invented by someone scared, in pain, and lazy.

Looking at myself, I can say that in this last r/s, I did the hard work, including therapy before and during. Did not take the easy way, and thought I found someone who fit. What's to make of that?

[blissful_camper]

When a person recognizes they have a major problem and they don't want to do the hard work that is necessary (therapy), they will simply take the 'easy way' and will continue to look for a partner that 'fits' in place of doing the work.   

I agree with you. It's as if scapegoats were invented by someone scared, in pain, and lazy.

Looking at myself, I can say that in this last r/s, I did the hard work, including therapy before and during. Did not take the easy way, and thought I found someone who fit. What's to make of that?

I don't know.  After my relationship ended I took a good long look at what I needed to work on, and there was quite a bit of unresolved childhood stuff.  I thought I had worked that out long ago, but the relationship was a wake up call that I had more work to do.