I don't want to hurt anymore

[willy45]

I really don't want to hurt anymore. I worked too hard to get better. I hurt worse now than when we broke up. I was getting better. Why does she have to use all these manipulations to get me back in her life? I don't understand. I really just want her to go away. But she won't. I can't get her out of my mind now. Every time I feel like she is finally out of my mind, she calls, she texts, she emails. And it brings me back. And I have resisted. For the most part, thinking she will get the hint. I tell her why but it doesn't seem to land.

Is she really as messed up and manipulative as this? Does she know what she's doing to me? Or is she just not able to hear me. Is she really this ill that she gets pleasure out of seeing me suffer, hearing that I hurt? I am starting to think she does?

How can I possibly be her best friend when I haven't spoken or contacted her in over a year?

Is it normal to keep contacting someone that has told you to F off and call a therapist and then ignore for over a year?

I find if I give her an ounce of kindness, she pushes. I text her back, she wants to talk. I talk, she wants to be best friends. She wants to hang out. She wants me in her life. When I say no, it hurts me, then all the guilt and the blame and the crying and the negotiation. I hate this. I don't want to hurt any more. I want her to not exist in my life or in my mind. I want to run away from my life.

[AwakenedOne]

Does she know what she's doing to me? Or is she just not able to hear me.

Hey willy45,

Either she lacks empathy or she is selfish and is playing mind games on you is my opinion. Maybe she's getting even with you for you breaking up with her a year ago by messing with you. You are much better off without her regardless. 

[fromheeltoheal]

If she's anything like mine, she's feeling abandoned and/or in need of soothing, so she's turning to you to get her own needs met, and feels a need to manipulate because she has such a low opinion of herself that she's convinced open, honest her would be unattractive and you would leave.  So all that's left is the game.

You are going to need to take care of yourself, since you are the only one who will.  We all know about the changing phone numbers, blocking texts and emails, all the tech tools available to us to stop the communication attempts.  It would be nice to be totally indifferent when you get some kind of communication from her, but you're not there yet, so you need to do what you need to do.

You say you want to run away from your life.  Maybe instead of running you just walk, and instead of walking away, you walk towards a new life, the life of your dreams, the life without her in it.  Yes?

[myself]

It's like she wants to play tennis but you don't. How about when she serves, you don't return it? Keep yourself off of the court. Unless you're getting something out of it. What would that be? Ego boost? Control? Revenge? This may be beneath the surface. Sometimes feeling pain feels more like being alive. The past, messed up as it is, seems more comfortable than the uncertainties of the future. For pwBPD/traits and those without.

[Dog biscuit]

You are going to need to take care of yourself, since you are the only one who will.  We all know about the changing phone numbers, blocking texts and emails, all the tech tools available to us to stop the communication attempts.  It would be nice to be totally indifferent when you get some kind of communication from her, but you're not there yet, so you need to do what you need to do.

Maybe instead of running you just walk, and instead of walking away, you walk towards a new life, the life of your dreams, the life without her in it.  Yes?

Take care of yourself and get some control back. If contact with your ex is this hurtfull and disturbing to your emotional life, you have to protect yourself. Fromhealtoheal is writing some good suggestions. Walk away, cut of contact and be kind to yourself. 

[LettingGo14]

Willy -- I empathize and understand your raw pain because I have experienced it.  We all look for answers.  We all ask, "why."  We all wonder if we are damaged ourselves.   

There's a quote by Nietzsche that took on new meaning in the aftermath of my failed relationship:  "When you look into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

Have you read about "trauma bonds?"  There's a book by Patrick Carnes called "The Betrayal Bond:  Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" (available as an e-book on Amazon) that you might find worthwhile.

Here's a quote:

"Chances are you have bonded with the person or persons who have let you down.  Now here is the important part:  You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond.  Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back.  You cannot walk away from it.  Time will not heal it.  Burying yourself in compulsive or addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.  Being crazy will not make it better.  No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.  Your ability to have a spiritual experience will be impaired.  Any form of conversion or starting over only postpones the inevitable.  And there is no credit for feeling sorry for yourself.  You must acknowledge, and understand, and come to terms with the relationship."

It's a book worth investing in.  Thanks for posting.  We're here for you.

[Want2know]

It's like she wants to play tennis but you don't. How about when she serves, you don't return it? Keep yourself off of the court. Unless you're getting something out of it. What would that be? Ego boost? Control? Revenge? This may be beneath the surface. Sometimes feeling pain feels more like being alive. The past, messed up as it is, seems more comfortable than the uncertainties of the future. For pwBPD/traits and those without.

I like this analogy, and the point being made.

I had the thought recently when thinking about my past relationship, that when I met him, what I was dealing with was a lack of feeling - I was numb from my marriage/divorce.  My allowing his involvement in my life created such an intense feeling - initially good, and then very intensely 'bad'.

My thought is was I so indifferent and depressed about my own life that any sense of excitement, or what turned out to be drama, was better than feeling nothing?

I don't know what the answer is for you to let the pain go.  Even though we have similarities with our experiences, there is so much more depth to how we got to this point.  Please continue to share here and try your best to not lament over the past - understanding is important, but don't let it anchor your life. 

What do you see as your future?  What do you want it to be?

[willy45]

Hi Want2Know,

Thanks for that. I'm not really sure what I want. I do know that I want this pain to stop. I am just feeling so dejected because I was doing great 2 weeks ago. I don't know why I slipped. Maybe because I felt that I was done and moved on. And she persisted and I felt guilty.

More than anything, I want her out of my life. I want her out of my head. If I could get back to where I was, that would be great.

I do know, however, that she is going to return. I'm going to have to change my phone number and that really sucks because right now is probably the most important time in my career and everyone has my phone number.

What do I want in life? I guess I have no idea. I didn't really know before she called but was feeling OK about not knowing. I have two really big projects that are finishing up in the coming months and I just figured I would wait until they were done and figure it out. I always seem to jump from one thing to the next and I thought I would just focus on enjoying where I was at.

But now, I just want this pain to go away. It is aweful. I am really starting to hate myself. I'm hating myself for having picked up the phone. And I'm hating myself for how it made me feel. I find is scary that someone has so much power over me. I don't even like this person. I don't want this person in my life. I don't want to be friends with this person. I wish I had never met this person. So why does she have so much power? I guess right now I'm just wishing she would go away, like I have been wishing for this past year with every time I ignore her. I guess that is wishful thinking.

Just not sure what to do next.

[arn131arn]

Willy,

What my P told me and what I found beneficial was that I did not have to take then, now, or ever, responsibility for HER actions. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do, bro. Between the gaslighting, emotional/sexual affairs she was having, verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, and using my own defects against me, got me to the breaking point. I lived this way for 14 years, bro. Every week for years, I was threatened she would leave. Every 3 months I was broken up with. I recycled over 40 times. Had 3 false Domestic violence charges brought against me, and 2 bogus restraining orders filed AFTER thee breakup.

So, it's hard because after 6 months of the silent treatment, when all I wanted was her to touch me, look at me, smile at me, thank me, and give me a lite hope... . she didn't. And, well, I lost my s**t! I went into berserko mode, and flew off handle, said some terrible things that I feel bad about to this day. So, my next point to all of this is... . BUT we do need to look at our part in the relationship, as well.

I need to look at how my drinking helped me cope, but it was a major trigger for her. I need to look at how I raged and verbally abused her too. Two wrongs don't make right, but three lefts do, and at some point in those 14 years, I could have done exactly that... . left. Kind of tough to seek sympathy, when I went back in the ring for round after round.

It hurts right now, bro. I know. I lived it too. Maybe you are not ready to look at your part, and that's okay, too. But my advice would be to let her know, that you are not able to talk to her at all right now. That you care for her, but you need some you time to heal and that you will not be entertaining anymore contact from her. Man, I wish I would have done this, so learn from me, I went NC and dropped off the face of the earth. And to someone who has a fear of abandonment, this was the wrong way to handle it. And I regret it.

I broke NC with her last week to see if my son could try out for a little league all star team. I got crickets from that email. So, I wish I would have handled it differently. See what I mean about looking our part? It helps you get free... . your truth! Mine. Skip. Turkish. Heal. All of the members on this board. We all have a different truth, and when we discover it, we're home again.

[willy45]

Thanks Arn,

I really appreciate it. I'm sorry that you went through all that. I'm sure that must have been really hard and I appreciate you sharing.

For me, it is just confusing. We don't share any children. We don't really share anything at all. Having her in my life is detrimental. I can't have another successful meaningful relationship with her around all the time. It isn't possible for me. Her contacting me is disruptive and hurtful. And I have explained this to her, many, many times. I don't want to hear what's going on in her life. I don't. I'm not sure how she can hear what's going on in mine. Maybe it doesn't affect her? I have no idea.

All I know is that I went through all kinds of abuse with her. Even though for some reason that seems to be a lie to me. My T said that I am still in denial about how bad it was. I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm just making this all up because of how much I hurt her and that I feel guilty about it.

But, on the flip side, I felt like she pushed me out. Yes. I wasn't perfect. Of course. I didn't commit to her the way she wanted and I was always a little scared getting closer and closer to her. But, I don't think that was wrong on my part. I was cautious. I told her I would marry her if we could go 3 months without a major blow up. She couldn't go for longer than a week. So I bailed. I found someone else. I ran away.

And I don't want her to contact me. That's the thing. I really don't. I wish she would dissappear and leave me alone.

[DB33]

Willy , get an iphone. Mine has a nice little block feature. Just type in a number and save. No more texts, messages or calls.

Then put a filter on your email that sends her directly to your junk folder.

[willy45]

Yeah. I wish that worked. She calls me from Skype so it comes up as 'unknown"

[DiamondSW]

Hello Willy,

Well, my friend... . it's time to protect yourself properly now.  I've read your posts going back a long while, and it's not getting better for you... . which is a waste and can't continue.

I have been in your exact position and it's hell... . all the push/pull and GAMES.  And that is what it is -games.  She moved on a long time ago in some shape or form, it's probably gone wrong for her, and she's back having a go at you because yes, she hates herself and wants you to feel some of her pain too... .   standard projection.

What I learned is this;  to try to help, to try to 'be there'... , to try to care, to try to console, to try to forge a friendship, indeed just to 'try' is fruitless.  Alarm bells ring in my mind when I hear that you are starting to hate yourself because that is just how I felt -she made me hate myself, correction... . "I loathed myself"... .  

The solution in my case was firstly therapy, weekly, and with a person who truly listened, offered measured professional advice, and treated me with kindness/respect/decency that my ex never showed me.  I saw a certain humanity in my T which I hadn't felt in my entire 10mth BPDr/l. 

Then peace.  I needed to find peace.  So I spent time with friends yes, but also on my own outside, exercising, fresh air, thinking... . crying also, but really really thinking.

Then me.  I spent a lot of money on new clothes, a new style, a new home, things for my home;  In other words a new 'life'... .   I look around me and she wouldn't recognise anything anymore. 

Then my dreams;  I pondered what I wanted... . and came up with 3 answers... . a home (done), a new job (applying) and a new relationship with someone healthy (very possible) when I'm ready. 

It dawned on me 1 thing:  My ex would never have helped me with the home;  she was an emotional and financial drain.  She watched me 'lose' my job because I couldn't cope with her behaviour and it devastated me.  And finally, she wouldn't wish the best for me regarding love either... . she might pretend she does, but her happiness always came first and it still would now.

So Willy, you must, must, must, address these issues, what you want, and see her for who she is;  don't hate her because that's pointless, but see her as a little girl and you as the person who has a life ahead of you.  Her life is going nowhere and she can't do anything about it... . but you have control over yours and a chance.

If you asked me 6mths ago that I'd actually start to feel happy, less afraid, and dare I say even a little proud of myself -well, i'd never believe it.  I hated myself... .   but because of her words and actions which hit me to the core.  6mths on and someone healthy and loving has actually seen something good, decent and honest inside of me and she seems to have real feelings for me.  This woman works, and works hard.  She's independent.  She has morals and accepts when she makes mistakes as we all do.  She apologises.  She has humility and empathy.  In other words, life goes on... .  

I am so sorry to read your recent posts but I really want you to know that life moves on and your life has the potential only to get batter if you let/want it to.  If you keep your ex in your life/around your emotions, she's won. 

I can write a million patronising statements, a million repetitive statements, a million factual BPD statements, but the only one that matters is that YOU MATTER.  You have to make the decision to cut her out of your life because she's never going to leave you alone otherwise. 

Get busy living, don't waste your life hurting.  In a year's time you could be in a totally differnt place, you could be healthy, happy, loved by a new woman... . but mark my words, her life will not have changed.  Or you could still be posting on this board... . and her life will still not have changed. 

I'm so sorry and understand.  A little moment that made me smile this week was this:  I said to my lovely T "Is there any chance my ex might have found a job in the last 6months and found a way of supporting herself and gaining independence so I don't have to worry about her mother financially manipulating her and ridiculous arranged marriages?"... .   My T simply stretched out both her arms and smiled... . ":)iamond, there's a greater chance of me turning into an aeroplane that your ex maintaining any kind of meaningful job"... .  

Let her go as I have.  And one day send me a message about something which you are proud of... .   something which you have achieved or worked hard for.

Ultimately I came to the final realisation;  I deserve so much better.  And so do you.  I can get it... .   and so can you 

[Surrender]

Thank you Diamond because in everything you wrote it spoke to my heart amidst the very struggle I am going through right now. I needed desperately to read that and truly I think you have an idea. The thing about my ex that I have a hard time letting go of is how articulate he is in feeling and writing. He is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and although he couldn't help the destructive behaviors he was well aware of them and saw the path of destruction he had laid out for all those that ever came close.

When you read his writing you see in him a beautiful mind that is tortured and a prisoner. His mind is a beautiful thing and although he feels and knows everything that is happening it is as though he can't help himself. He is gripped by the torment of the abuse and torment he unleashes to those he loves closest to him and then he surrounds himself with the guilt, remorse and self-torture of it all. He is truly heaven and hell but no one can live with him and no amount of love can cure him.

I read his writing and I cry because somewhere inside the man of the tyrant abuser is the soul I fell in love with but can't ever have. I've accepted this finally but it has taken me 3 long years of heavy suffering. I'm only at the beginning of grieving the loss of my lover, best friend and the person I felt was family and fellow truth seeker along the journey of life with me. All my dreams died too with the final realization that I had to let him go... . I hope I can get over this one day because everything you wrote I want to believe.

I want to be truly loved and I don't want love to equal pain anymore. I'll never mend my broken Spartan no matter how much I want to but I feel that I will always love him and if it were possible that he were born without this insipid illness that destroys everything than I believe we would be truly happy together and soul mates. As it is we can never be... . because no matter how much he feels and is aware of he cannot stop the devil inside him that seeks to destroy EVERYTHING good and Loving.

I know I'm broken for now because the death of all my dreams that rested on him and a life together is no longer and never was. I'll be okay and like you Diamond I know that one day soon I'll exhale and be thankful. I want to let the blessing happen and stop beating myself up and just let go because there is no other choice and I deserve so much more. The tragedy is that I know he will never change and if anything he will deteriorate which breaks my heart. He always told me that he saw himself degraded living a life of a player sleeping around and lifelessly using women and his family until finally he saw himself in an institution utterly lost in life and maybe even in his soul. It breaks my heart. 

[willy45]

Hi All,

Many of you have read my posts. I am 1.5 years out of RS, was 1 year NC. Broke NC two weeks ago and now am in an unbearable amount of pain. I don't understand it. Any suggestions on how to heal? I feel so stupid to have broken NC. I guess I was hopefully that I would flip the burger and there would be something different on the other side. Why did I think that? I have no idea. Same person. Same manipulations. Same response from me... . extreme pain and confusion. Ag. I'm so tired of this.

Any suggestions on what I can do?

Thanks.

[DiamondSW]

Hello Surrender,

You and Willy have hurt for too long and it's time to detach.

3 years is too long. 

The BPD always 'wins' at destroying the non's life when it all starts to go wrong.  They have no 'stop' button... . my T says it's straight to 'destroy!' 

You can let them ruin much of who you are and what you worked for, or you can cut them out of your life, state that they can only return if they choose to try to get therapy of their own volition, but make it clear that you will move on and live your life;  you're not hanging around any more for them or playing any more games.

That way the door is open -which makes you a decent humn being, able to sleep at night- but it's also closed if they don't get professional help -which means that you can move on without being dragged backwards... .  

I wrote my BPDexgf a letter in October last year which stated just that -get better or leave me alone forever.  It only really hit her hard when she realised I was suicidal and her behaviour couldn't carry on. 

6mths on -haven't heard a squeek... . but she is continuing with therapy of her own free will, so credit to her.

Do I want to reconnect?  No.

Why do I not want to?  I've had 6mths peace and I'm moving on in many ways. 

But if she contacts me and wants to heal the wounds of the past, and nothing else, my door's open... .   especially if it helps her move on.

My ex never loved me, she never loved anyone really, especially not herself.  But she's a human being and a very poorly one.  Accepting all of this is freedom.  In my case, freedom is leading to a new life, new people, and maybe new love. 

6mths guys -4 hell, 2 healing... .   3 yrs is too long.  Forgive yourself, forgive them, and live... .  

[Sunny Side]

I like your post, Diamond, esp. this:

"My ex never loved me, she never loved anyone really, especially not herself."

Tough, true, radical acceptance.  Love works in mysterious ways.  .

[Surrender]

Hello Surrender,

You and Willy have hurt for too long and it's time to detach.

3 yrs is too long.  Forgive yourself, forgive them, and live... .  

I really needed to read this Diamond because I was ready to buckle under the weight of missing him and this terrible loss that I feel without his presence. I was literally ready to send him a text saying "do you really want this?" and then I read what you wrote which saved me in more ways than I realize. I'm so weak and vulnerable right now and just cry at the slightest thing throughout the day and night. I can pretend to be okay for a little while and then I just break into pieces.

It's so hard... . but I'm trying to be strong and really trying to break free because I know that is the best thing for ME. You are right 3 years of this agony is far too long. The little bit of heaven that he gave me is nothing in comparison to the hell he has put me through unnecessarily but letting go of all the dreams connected to him is what is killing me inside. All my dreams died with him and now I have to learn to build new ones.

Thank you for helping to prevent me from doing the thing I know I would have regretted. That endless cycle of pain masked with a love that really isn't there.  

[AwakenedOne]

Hey Willy,

Don't really know the solution for stopping pain or if there is one, but these 7 things I am working on to deal with it and life in general. Maybe something like this would help you. Hang in there man. I feel for you.

1. I have an outlet - I do yard work, talk to people, and post here.

2. I have a hobby - Guitar, I really get into it. Relaxing , challenging and it's an escape.

3. I remember others have it worse than I do - I thought I had it really bad, others here on this forum have it way worse than I do.

4. I remember someone good will come along that will love, the next can't be much worse... . really.

5. I make a list of positive things that happen each day.

6. I set realistic goals (whatever the subject)

7. I remember I don't have to be perfect. I was cutting the grass in the yard and sweating today. I felt like saying my ex is f'n bhit really loud. Felt good to say it. Did it 5-6 times.

[Surrender]

I can't imagine going an entire year N/C only to break it and end up in the same agony I'm in now. That thought terrifies me completely and if anything what you have written hopefully will serve as a reminder to me. I've never experienced anything like this before in my entire life! I feel weak, vulnerable and like I'll give in at any given second. It is brutal trying to NOT give in.

So, I have notes all over the house reminding me of all the horrors that he inflicted on me and the TRUTH of what HE IS TRULY LIKE! This helps to keep me in line and reminds me that I'm just being an idiot preferring to blind myself from the trauma of loving him. I also am doing everything in my power to keep myself occupied. I break down several times a day and that is OKAY, I just go with it all and let it pass. In time I know I will get stronger and my plan is to block him eventually from everything, change my phone numbers and move. I'm not strong enough yet for that but I know that is what I am planning. I know without a shadow of a doubt that things will never change and he will destroy me bit by bit.

WE DESERVE TO BE HONESTLY LOVED! Just remember that because they don't KNOW how to love. They are like greedy, dangerous children built with plutonium and an intellect that can sufficiently annihilate their enemy. WE ARE THEIR ENEMY and don't FORGET THAT!

I am also dowsong myself in these forums and writing as much as I can to process all my feelings because if I didn't do that I'd probably give in too which is the LAST thing I want. Nothing will ever change with them my friend, no matter how much we wish differently and want to hang onto the heavenly parts of them it will not eradicate the venom, agony, abuse and destruction that they ARE to us!

We NEED to MOVE ON! God Help Us because I know we want to love them more than anything on earth but we can't and they will never let us and they will only ever destroy us, projecting onto us all their self hatred, hate and shame. We have been and only ever will be the target of everything that they hate about themselves which happens to be almost everything that they are. The parts that they love are the parts that they know they can never have and so we are to them the constant reminder of the 'unobtainable' not to mention that we serve to mirror for them just how ill they are and that they will never be for us what we need. They know they are emotionally arrested just via having to deal with us... . we reflect adulthood while they respond as children who are mad that we are the adults.

Anyway this just goes on and on and on and on without an end in sight. We have to accept it no matter what. Even though my ex had the most beautiful body I ever saw and he was the best lover I ever had, which was what made it more difficult for me to accept the realization that I was with a 3 year old emotionally. My ex was mentally brilliant, sensitive and the most aware person I've ever known which made it all the more difficult for me to accept the reality of his illness and the abuse he was inflicting on me. It was a very complicated array of things all mixed together but the reality is that he is far too emotionally underdeveloped, abusive, rage-filled, jealous, accusatory, policing, interrogative and incapable of true intimacy so no matter how much I wanted to be in denial because of all of his brilliance I could not. It is what it is what it is and nothing can cover that up no matter how much I want it to... . I'm the one left in tatters always and I'm tired of trying to Love him enough and do everything ENOUGH for him to miraculously be healed. It WON'T happen EVER.

So, I am here feeling just like you are... . trying to survive each moment that I find myself giving into him. I am doing everything in my power to not text him, call him or email him and I feel utterly weak not quite even knowing if I will get through the night.

You are not alone my friend. Let us lean on one another then.

[willy45]

Hi Surrender,

Yeah. It sucks. Tons. Please let this be a lesson to you. But, for the positives... .

After a few months after NC, the fog started to lift. I got a personal trainer, started eating well and now have a six pack. I stared a couple of projects and am now rich(ish) (I guess that's all relative but I have enough money to live without having to work for 3 or 4 years). I am meeting with world leading scientists on the regular (I just had a meeting at NASA!). I get hit on all the time (mostly by women I don't really find attractive... . but whatever). I was traveling all over Europe on work. I made a lot of progress on my PhD. For the most part, I was completely able to ignore her phone calls, delete her texts, delete her emails. I was good!

Now I'm right back where I friggin' started. For reals. This is stupid. Was I 100% over her? Obviously not. Was I 100% happy? Nope. Could I breath and feel things again. YES! Objectively, was my life better? MEGA YES! I could not have done all these amazing things with the destructive emotional bruising I would always get. I wasn't even able to sleep in the same bed as her as I would fear her freaking out on me for rolling over or breathing. I used to have sleep on a blow up mattress or on the couch, every single night! I was EXHAUSTED. Could I have done all these things being constantly exhausted?

So yeah. Don't answer calls seems to be the moral of the story.

For me, I heal slowly. It takes me time. I am very sensitive. I take what people say to heart. In life, this is my greatest strength. And, apparently me greatest weakness. I need to learn who deserves that sensitivity and who doesn't and be more careful.

But, if I have any advice, ride out the bad feelings. The only way you are going to get worse than you are now is if you contact him. If you feel like ___ and you want to contact him, feel whatever you need to feel. Deal with that. Just don't contact him and don't let him contact you. You can deal with your feelings. They will pass. The only way they won't if you continue contact. So, it sounds like you are doing good! Stick with it. Come up with some dreams and get after them.

[LettingGo14]

Any suggestions on what I can do?

Thanks.

I know you are in deep pain, and I understand completely.  Here's what I have finally asked myself, after 5 months of extraordinary pain, when I was flailing like a fish out of water, with no resolution in sight.  

Why not just feel the pain?  Why not just grieve the loss of the relationship as one might grieve a death?  That makes it a process, rather than an escape or a switch we can flip.

The Patrick Carnes book, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, helped me tremendously.  I was was seething with Blaming Anger which recycled the history of my relationship and kept me stuck.  I have chosen, painfully but with support from people here, to move toward Healthy Anger, which has allowed me to express limitations, i.e. what was acceptable and what was not.  

Now I'm trying to accept the loss of the relationship.  To grieve means to accept that things did not turn out as we wanted/expected/hoped.   It sucks, and it's painful.    And I'm not free (yet).

[Surrender]

The Patrick Carnes book, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, helped me tremendously.  I was was seething with Blaming Anger which recycled the history of my relationship and kept me stuck.  I have chosen, painfully but with support from people here, to move toward Healthy Anger, which has allowed me to express limitations, i.e. what was acceptable and what was not.  

Now I'm trying to accept the loss of the relationship.  To grieve means to accept that things did not turn out as we wanted/expected/hoped.   It sucks, and it's painful.    And I'm not free (yet).

I just ordered this book but what I have noticed about this loss is that it feels like a death to me. Not just because I lost the person I put my love into and believed I loved, but because along with him went all my dreams in life. The losses feel like many and I am having to literally rebuild my life all over again. I need to find new hope now in what feels like an old dead patch. Really hard so I think I'm going to plan a trip to Europe for a few months and re-build a life of new doors. I need a radical change because I feel like I am drowning inside this lost love and all our dreams.

Too much to bear sometimes and for tonight I think I'll let go of the pain a bit if that is even possible. I realize that it will take time so I just need to take baby steps until one day I can stand on my own two legs.

I'm going to do everything in my power to not contact him but I know its only a matter of time before he contacts me. When the pain becomes his inner torture because he can't fill himself up with anything that is as vital as me then he will call me. I'm terrified of that day and from our past history the longest amount of time he can go without contacting me is 3 to 4 weeks. Have no idea what to do?

I'm thankful for all the help we bring to one another here.  

[LuckyNicki]

Hi Surrender,

Yeah. It sucks. Tons. Please let this be a lesson to you. But, for the positives... .

After a few months after NC, the fog started to lift. I got a personal trainer, started eating well and now have a six pack. I stared a couple of projects and am now rich(ish) (I guess that's all relative but I have enough money to live without having to work for 3 or 4 years). I am meeting with world leading scientists on the regular (I just had a meeting at NASA!). I get hit on all the time (mostly by women I don't really find attractive... . but whatever). I was traveling all over Europe on work. I made a lot of progress on my PhD. For the most part, I was completely able to ignore her phone calls, delete her texts, delete her emails. I was good!

Now I'm right back where I friggin' started. For reals. This is stupid. Was I 100% over her? Obviously not. Was I 100% happy? Nope. Could I breath and feel things again. YES! Objectively, was my life better? MEGA YES! I could not have done all these amazing things with the destructive emotional bruising I would always get. I wasn't even able to sleep in the same bed as her as I would fear her freaking out on me for rolling over or breathing. I used to have sleep on a blow up mattress or on the couch, every single night! I was EXHAUSTED. Could I have done all these things being constantly exhausted?

So yeah. Don't answer calls seems to be the moral of the story.

For me, I heal slowly. It takes me time. I am very sensitive. I take what people say to heart. In life, this is my greatest strength. And, apparently me greatest weakness. I need to learn who deserves that sensitivity and who doesn't and be more careful.

But, if I have any advice, ride out the bad feelings. The only way you are going to get worse than you are now is if you contact him. If you feel like ___ and you want to contact him, feel whatever you need to feel. Deal with that. Just don't contact him and don't let him contact you. You can deal with your feelings. They will pass. The only way they won't if you continue contact. So, it sounds like you are doing good! Stick with it. Come up with some dreams and get after them.

Hearing this scares me.  I was about to say to go out and meet other women etc and have a life.  It looks like you did more than that and still went back to square 1.  Ugh. I have been feeling good as of late and I definitely dont want to lose that streak.   

I will take your word and continue to try to avoid contact.   Thank you.

[Ritchie53]

Its tough, a couple of things I did (and bearing in mind I had some PTSD to deal with as well which made it stupidly hard). Before I met my BPD I was a ballroom/latin dancer, loved weigth training was joining the military reserves and also looking at opening my own company alongside my career in finance. These were all but stripped from me in a 20 month relationship and all 4 were on a knife edge with being lost. This is what I did.

I took my four pillars to work on and just those 4.

1. I found a new dance partner and am now just a few weeks away from competing again.

2. My military reserve career was almost lost - I am now back into full swing with that and will be a fully badged RAF gunner by the end of next month.

3. I have hammered the gym and am looking to enter physique competitions in late June.

4. I opened my own company and invested in myself to drive it forward - also looking at doing some extra finance exams to go with it.

It was ridiculously hard, especially with the anxiety attacks, but now my social media is filling up with photos of these outlets and any achievement that comes my way - no matter how small, effectively I took mu life back. It was tough but I pictured it as filling a bucket with water from an egg cup, initially it takes ages to see it filling up, but now it is - another side benefit is that I have a lot to talk about to people and new women are starting to come into my life.

So in brief, choose a range of outlets and stick with them, it's almost impossible at the start but it really does improve and you meet new people, go new places and also your social media etc, becomes really interesting. Good luck and stay strong.

[restoredsight]

What was she giving you that you can't give to yourself?

This post by 2010 is what I've been reading whenever I start to drown in pain.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

[oldweasel]

Willy,

I feel for you and can understand the pain... .   It's only been a month and a half since I ended it, and I am agonizing. I read everything I can find about BPD and have read a lot of the posts on here and elsewhere... . it helps a little.

Diamons,

Thanks for

"My ex never loved me, she never loved anyone really, especially not herself.  But she's a human being and a very poorly one."

I needed to hear that like Surrender. I'm in a very dark place right now and I wonder when all of the pain will stop. It's very hard getting through the day, which is kinda tricky for me being in the military.

[Clearmind]

Have you explored what it is about you that had you attracted to a disordered individual? Why you ignored the red flags and stayed? The answer to detaching lies in this type of exploration.

[Surrender]

What was she giving you that you can't give to yourself?

This post by 2010 is what I've been reading whenever I start to drown in pain.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

Thanks so much for this most illuminating post by 2010. Every little bit of knowledge is helping through the darkness of so much loss I feel. I'm trying to live my normal life, go to work and just function but I'm not here and can't concentrate. I am absorbed in trying to understand this all and perhaps because it makes me feel closer to him even though it is over. I still find it hard to believe and am in shock. It seemed so easy for him to turn a 180 and become cold as ice, detached and silent.

I feel utterly destroyed from the inside out. Last night I kept waking up having anxiety attacks and the impact of the loss felt like I was going to have a break down. I know these are bad moments and that it will get better with time so I'm just trying to get through each one. When I'm strong enough I'll start working on getting my life back and creating a new future that I know one day I will be thankful for.

Reading all the material recommended in the mean time is helping me through this all.

Clearmind thank you too. A part of my seeking is to discover just that, the reason why I ignored the countless red flags that should have indicated to me to run but instead like a moth to a flame I went ever deeper and became deeply enmeshed.  I went to see a registered Psychologist and questioned whether she knew anything about BPD, co-dependency, mother enmeshment, narcissism and the dynamics of mixing it all together. In truth I questioned her because she didn't seem to know what I was talking about and I found that extremely disturbing considering what she was charging.

I really wish there was a support group for us nons because we truly need it!

Thank you!

[pinkparchment]

This is a great thread. I'm so sorry for everyone who is still suffering or suffering again.

Willy, I know how you feel. I'm an active mom, wife, and clinician and NO ONE outside of my parents and husband know anything about my relationship with my ex. No one knows that I spent months barely functional, crying every moment I wasn't interacting with someone face to face. They would all be shocked at how debilitated I was. I'M shocked at how debilitated I was. I'm an adult, and so used to being on top of things, in control, so far beyond that kind of adolescent agony.

What I finally understand is that it's like grieving a death. Whether you're grieving the person you never really knew or the relationship/feeling you realize you never really had (or she never had/is incapable of having) for you, it's the same kind of all consuming pain and after you drown in it and pull yourself out of the riptide, you're still gonna get knocked down by a few waves.

Grab onto the rafts you can. Anything that makes you feel better that's legal and safe, do more of that. Post here, read more. I put away all my electronics and engage with my kids and I feel better. I read a (carefully chosen, non-triggering  ) book and I feel better. I go to dinner with friends and talk about nonsense, and I feel better. Without having to recite how much you have going for you "on paper," I'd simply ask- when do you feel better? What makes you feel better? Who makes you feel better when you're around them? And do more of that.

I'm just at the point where I'm not in excrutiating pain ALL the time. Today several things happened that I really wanted to contact her about, they directly involved people she knew and coincidences and a super small world. I wanted to say "hey I'm over you, can we be friends again because I want to tell you about the craziest thing that happened." But I know I'm not really over her. I'm just spending a few minutes in the sun waiting for the next wave to crash. I pray to god the woman never contacts me again. You are stronger than I am. You climbed out of the pit once, you can do it again. It will just take some time. Good luck!