What was the worst/nastiest thing your ex said?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Mine said many on many occasions. But, the worst had to be the last & probably the worst drunken rage.

"Cheating on you was the best thing I ever done" then if that didn't hurt enough she followed up with " (Name) gave me the best orgasms ever"

Safe to say that was completely soul destroying.

[Eric1]

Mine said many on many occasions. But, the worst had to be the last & probably the worst drunken rage.

"Cheating on you was the best thing I ever done" then if that didn't hurt enough she followed up with " (Name) gave me the best orgasms ever"

Safe to say that was completely soul destroying.

[Huh?]

Wow.  Its amazing how hurtful people who supposedly "love" you can be.  These people hurt so much... .they have no concept on how to make that pain go away... .all they can do is lash out at others in order to make themselves feel better... .even if for just a fleeting moment.

My first ex ten years ago, actually my first girlfriend, who is more of a NPD said to me two weeks after my father passed away from lung cancer (out of the blue), "You Ive been thinking... .I think, the only reason that you started dating me is because you didnt want your father to know you are a homosexual before he died."

Those words were designed to hurt... .and I still to this day have no idea how someone is capable of saying something like that.

I immediately dropped her off at her house, she called me crying saying she was sorry and would never say anything like that again.  She did again and again, and like a fool I was with her for four years... .she left for another guy who she is married to to this day.  Poor ass.

[Aussie JJ]

The most harmful thing she ever said to me was

Hello, my name is J****

[refusetosuccumb]

My ex accused me of "trapping" him by getting pregnant with our oldest.  And that the only reason he married me was because I was pregnant.  He said I ruined his life.

[Emelie Emelie]

There were so many nasty things.  The worst, most hurtful:  "I'm done."

[neverloveagain]

Mine told me over a beer at my local pub that she had never loved me and she was glad she didnt have too lie anymore after being together for 10 years so calm so cold makes me shiver just posting that.

[Karmachameleon]

Although this is not a game I wish to win, I think I'm going to.  Here goes:  I had once shared with my ex my feelings about my father leaving when I was a year old.  :)uring our last big argument he got an inch away from my face and screamed, "Your family hates you, you ___ing orphan!"  And then he literally spit in my face.  I calmly stood up and walked out and that was the last time I have seen him.  He has since said that spitting in my face was an accident... . It most certainly was not.

[levelup]

I am a relatively conservative Christian.  When I filed for divorce, my wife used scripture to call me an adulterer, not based on anything I did during marriage,  but on the premise that any relationship that I had in the future would be adultery.  It was deeply wounding.  She had no problem going out on the town and getting drunk without me and hanging out with other guys, while I let go of all my female friendships to protect myself from trying to fill the emotional void in my own marriage.

It was more than a month ago, but her words still haunt me to this day.

[blissful_camper]

The list is long, and it was all pretty darn hurtful.  The one that I can't forget (because no one had said anything like this to me before) was: somebody should knock you off your chair

Pretty nasty. 

[seeking balance]

When I asked, "why are you trying to destroy our lives"

Answer:

"I want you to hurt as much as I do"

And I still went to MC another 8 months and didn't file for divorce until about a year later... .

Besides venting, these types of threads can be helpful when we look at ourselves, why we stayed, why didn't we believe what they said?  I mean, most of us believed the good stuff they said 100%, right?

[HopefulDad]

I've been called cold, uncaring, selfish, told that she wished she never married me and heard countless other things in private at various decibels.  But none of these compare to what she has said to me in front of our 3 daughters:

"(6yr old daughter's name), don't listen to your father right now.  He's being a (female dog)!"

"Girls, I hope you never marry a jerk like your father!"

"You are an A55HOLE!"

[goldylamont]

just like another post here, my ex told me in the nastiest tone post-breakup (and this was the only apology i ever got from her):  "actually you know what? i'm sorry. i made a mistake. i should have never ever stayed with you. i never loved you and i shouldn't have acted like i did. i'm such an idiot for staying with you all of this time. i was never in love with you. and i will *never* make that mistake again... ."

six months later she tells me she thinks of me every day, has dreams of me sitting next to her on her bed, she remembered the way i smelled and missed waking up next to me. she loved me always and wanted to try again    cray cray

[.cup.car]

"How does it feel to be friendzoned by the same girl for three years?"

A week earlier she'd called my mom and introduced herself as my ex-girlfriend and wanted to know where I lived, among other things... .

[amigo]

Mine said (after I took him out to a nice dinner during our vacation which I mostly paid for) "you are nothing, you have nothing. Your life is meaningless, you don't even have children or a family. A woman has no worth if she has no children"

This I have to paraphrase (I mentioned it in a previous post): " I give you this, you still look good when you are done up. But in the morning it was hard to look at your haggard, old face. It was much easier to ... .you from behind so I didn't have to look at you. Know that every guy you will ever be with will be thinking the same"

"Why don't you get a few more cats" - (I have one) - " embrace your cat lady existence"

Ah the memories... . - of course all of these statements were later exchanged for extreme expressions of love and compliments or denied.

[fromheeltoheal]

"My legs are only spread for you babe", which would have been only slightly tacky if her spread legs weren't overpopulated.  And yet, I chose to believe her for a while after that.  The reasons behind that denial have been fertile field for growth.

[Infared]

I can't repeat it. it hurts too much.

[AwakenedOne]

She told me that my recently deceased family member who I loved very much had always secretly hated me. She informed me of this after she sucker punched me right there at their grave while visting the cemetery.

[Aussie JJ]

I think we all have to acknowledge the most hurtful thing said however the thing that caused the most damage was the first time they said HI!^*!

If they never initiated this contact then we would never have been through the hell that is BPD. 

[hergestridge]

Mine was not big on saying hurtful things as she was being quite polite most of the time and didn't rage a lot.

But that doesn't mean the things she said didn't hurt.

I dread the days when "we needed to talk". When all of a sudden everything about me was a problem that needed to be fixed. It was serious. She was worried. We could not go to bed before we had talked this through.

Just a few days earlier things were OK and I was living in happyland.

It would have been less hurtful if it would have been ridiculous insults that I could have laughed of or ridiculed her for. But it was nasty stuff. Weaknesses and shortages of mine that she had agreed to accept as they were that she suddenly could not accept. Agreements made in confidence that suddenly felt unconfortable with (or worse) no longer remembered because she was overwhelmed by the cold feelings towards me.

This terror for twenty years.

[Eric1]

Mine was not big on saying hurtful things as she was being quite polite most of the time and didn't rage a lot.

But that doesn't mean the things she said didn't hurt.

I dread the days when "we needed to talk". When all of a sudden everything about me was a problem that needed to be fixed. It was serious. She was worried. We could not go to bed before we had talked this through.

Just a few days earlier things were OK and I was living in happyland.

It would have been less hurtful if it would have been ridiculous insults that I could have laughed of or ridiculed her for. But it was nasty stuff. Weaknesses and shortages of mine that she had agreed to accept as they were that she suddenly could not accept. Agreements made in confidence that suddenly felt unconfortable with (or worse) no longer remembered because she was overwhelmed by the cold feelings towards me.

This terror for twenty years.

She did exactly the same with me. One day we would be in love, then the next day I would be useless, a complete pr*ck, can't do anything right etc She would sit me down and tell me off, point out all my flaws and insecurities. At times I would be sat there & all I wanted to do was walk out and cry.

Her big line was "I can't do this anymore, you make my so miserable & unhappy"

[LettingGo14]

I agree that sharing pain is helpful, and I also think it's a huge relief to see that each of us is not alone in our trauma.

But, like Seeking Balance noted, we want recognize that the hurtful things said/done are not what define us.  

We survived the trauma -- and here we are. We are perhaps wounded, but we are definitely not alone.   And we are here to heal, and not marinate in our pain (at least for too long!)   

[Vinnie]

1. Explaining the reason she picked a fight with me:  "You look like hell."

2. Complaining about my body when I dropped 25 lbs in two months due to stress after my business failed: : "If you lose any more, I won't be attracted to you."

PS, it's now two years later, I'm single (as of today!), one pound lighter than the day she made that threat, and get compliments from my daughter's friends on my hot looks!

[Eric1]

I find it helps knowing that people have experienced the same & it wasn't just me.

It also helps when I have the urge to contact.

[hergestridge]

1. Explaining the reason she picked a fight with me:  "You look like hell."

2. Complaining about my body when I dropped 25 lbs in two months due to stress after my business failed: : "If you lose any more, I won't be attracted to you."

PS, it's now two years later, I'm single (as of today!), one pound lighter than the day she made that threat, and get compliments from my daughter's friends on my hot looks!

That's another mind___ you just reminded me of - the endless externalizing. One day my wife was into sex and the next day she wasn't. No big deal, but she couldn't just say that she didn't feel like it. It would turn into our sex life being fantastic one day and that our sex life (and my body/looks/our relationship) being insufficient the next. So much better to crush your partner's confidence than to postpone sex a day or two.

[MommaBear]

During MC, the T was zoning in on some of his issues. We began to realize that he was incapable of genuine love.

So I asked him to talk about it. He then tells me that the 7 years of our marriage were just him "faking it" until he "made it" and that he never really loved me, he was just going through the motions because it's what he was "expected" to do at that stage in his life.

To make matters worse, he then went on FB and added the bimbo he had the affair with on his friends list, after not speaking to her for about 3 years (as far as I knew).

When I told him how incredibly insensitive and hurtful these actions were, he said he had no idea it would bother me to hear and to see these things.

A few days later, I lost it and told him MC was a waste of time and money, and that I wanted a divorce.

So, while it was the most hurtful thing he had ever done to me, it kind of set me free at the same time.

[Caramel]

Lots to chose from!

Once while we were being intimate I said to him that I loved him a few times.  All of a sudden he withdrew in anger, said to me that he knew everything about my games and that I was only telling him I loved him to get him to say the same!

I lied down on the corner of the bed, tears quietly rolling down my face wondering what I had done wrong.

An hour later he rolled back, hugged me and started having sex with me as if nothing had happened. When he noticed that I was sad he threw my leg to the side, said it was the most uncooperative sex he had ever had and started masturbating watching a porn movie on his iPad!

I was scared. I almost begged him to stop.He said "It's none of your business".

It was a painful scary sad lonely night.

Next day he dumped me coz I was a manipulative deceitful person.

He said ":)o you know what it's like to be rejected?"

Still up to this day I don't understand what happened that night. All I wanted to do was to show him my love.

I never want to go back to those days again when nothing made sense and I was constantly being punished for whatever I did.

Thank you Eric for bringing up this topic. I had a good cry and a good run after reading this thread. I am feeling much better now. Ready to enjoy the rest of my day free from drama and fear.

[asher2]

She told me that I was the only person in the world who could make her feel as awful as she did. That made me feel bad and I had no idea what I did to make her feel that way. After learning about BPD, I realized it wasn't anything I did and had everything to do with the living hell that is her mind.

But man, that was hard to hear because at the time I had no idea what I did to make her feel so bad.

[amigo]

Hi Caramel,

reading your post gave me that anxious, painful feeling I get when I think about the horrible things my ex said and did. He didn't do/say the exact things you described, but it still sounds exactly like him. His BPD traits were often triggered by sex and intimacy.

See my post above. How he said he couldn't look at my ugly face. He was often brutal and selfish during sex, but in subtle ways, if that makes any sense.

But then there were times when he would sincerely, lovingly stare into my eyes and hold me close during sex and make the intimacy feel like I always wanted it to feel and rarely have with others... .Or he would watch me get ready for work in the morning, and say in unsolicited admiration: "you are so beautiful"

It helps to remember those horrible things they said, and it helps with staying away. Yet I do not want to forget the really wonderful moments and the nice things he said, because - at the time - I believe they were genuine, and if it wasn't for those moments and words, I would think I am completely crazy myself for ever having been with that person.

[Jb101]

Lots to chose from!

Once while we were being intimate I said to him that I loved him a few times.  All of a sudden he withdrew in anger, said to me that he knew everything about my games and that I was only telling him I loved him to get him to say the same!

I lied down on the corner of the bed, tears quietly rolling down my face wondering what I had done wrong.

An hour later he rolled back, hugged me and started having sex with me as if nothing had happened. When he noticed that I was sad he threw my leg to the side, said it was the most uncooperative sex he had ever had and started masturbating watching a porn movie on his iPad!

I was scared. I almost begged him to stop.He said "It's none of your business".

It was a painful scary sad lonely night.

Next day he dumped me coz I was a manipulative deceitful person.

He said ":)o you know what it's like to be rejected?"

Still up to this day I don't understand what happened that night. All I wanted to do was to show him my love.

I never want to go back to those days again when nothing made sense and I was constantly being punished for whatever I did.

Thank you Eric for bringing up this topic. I had a good cry and a good run after reading this thread. I am feeling much better now. Ready to enjoy the rest of my day free from drama and fear.

Not exactly the same, but once just before  we'd gone to bed she'd been drinking and made some nasty comments about me not being a real man or good enough for her... .then suddenly she wants sex... .Cue a violent reaction to me not being in the mood. Started ranting about how my dick wasn't big enough anyway and she'd had much better sex with her ex... .followed by storming off to the bathroom with a vibrator for half an hour... .

Fun times! And the best bit was how she made it out the next day as I was just weak for not writing off as a drunken incident and, gotta love this line, I now know it as a big red flag... .'wasn't strong enough for her' it's like a favourite excuse she had for her behaviour and she actually used to say she was just high strung and anybody good enough for her would have to deal with it... .

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Caramel,

reading your post gave me that anxious, painful feeling I get when I think about the horrible things my ex said and did. He didn't do/say the exact things you described, but it still sounds exactly like him. His BPD traits were often triggered by sex and intimacy.

See my post above. How he said he couldn't look at my ugly face. He was often brutal and selfish during sex, but in subtle ways, if that makes any sense.

But then there were times when he would sincerely, lovingly stare into my eyes and hold me close during sex and make the intimacy feel like I always wanted it to feel and rarely have with others... .Or he would watch me get ready for work in the morning, and say in unsolicited admiration: "you are so beautiful"

It helps to remember those horrible things they said, and it helps with staying away. Yet I do not want to forget the really wonderful moments and the nice things he said, because - at the time - I believe they were genuine, and if it wasn't for those moments and words, I would think I am completely crazy myself for ever having been with that person.

Absolutely! Triggered greatly by intimacy.  Shared the exact experiences as you Amigo. 

Those moments of the looking deeply in your eyes during intimacy while holding you so close ( btw that seems to be almost unanimously a BPD trait unsure exactly why maybe they read it somewhere in their learning manual).  Saying the most sincere compliments out of nowhere as you were dressing that were so heartfelt. Then entirely split thereafter.

Its as if the afterglow of our closest most cherished moments of just us foreshadowed the most hurtful split thereafter. And it got worst every time.   

Really just so incredibly sad isn't it?

[thereishope]

Hi Caramel,

reading your post gave me that anxious, painful feeling I get when I think about the horrible things my ex said and did. He didn't do/say the exact things you described, but it still sounds exactly like him. His BPD traits were often triggered by sex and intimacy.

See my post above. How he said he couldn't look at my ugly face. He was often brutal and selfish during sex, but in subtle ways, if that makes any sense.

But then there were times when he would sincerely, lovingly stare into my eyes and hold me close during sex and make the intimacy feel like I always wanted it to feel and rarely have with others... .Or he would watch me get ready for work in the morning, and say in unsolicited admiration: "you are so beautiful"

It helps to remember those horrible things they said, and it helps with staying away. Yet I do not want to forget the really wonderful moments and the nice things he said, because - at the time - I believe they were genuine, and if it wasn't for those moments and words, I would think I am completely crazy myself for ever having been with that person.

I can also relate with the whole feeling of Caramels post, and I could have written your words myself, Amigo.  Still here... .feeling like I don't want to be on the one hand (the stronger feeling), and brainwashed on the other hand in some strange warped way that his efforts and provisions towards me and my kids (not his thankfully) are somehow good?  Reading and reading and trying to make the truths I'm reading sink in to the point that I'm convinced in my own situation... .doesn't help that we have been in a period of relative calm for about a week...

[OutOfEgypt]

I don't know how I would rank them, and I'm sure I've forgotten some things, but here are a few:

"You're not a man."

"No woman would ever want you."

"If you had an accident and were stuck in a wheelchair, I would still love you but because you wouldn't be able to give me the sex I need I would have to leave you.  Sorry, just being honest about who I am."

"You don't know how to handle real life."

"I've never had this problem with any other guy I've ever been with (it's just you)" (as she laid into me about my sexual performance during the first few months of our marriage, after kicking me in the shins)

(years later, while cheating on me with another man but 'deciding' what she wants to do) "Now that you know how to F--K, I might have to keep you around."

Notice, none of these involved name-calling.  I can handle being called a "loser" or a "F@#$ing A-hole".  These were plain, calm statements.  That said, I would be representing her inaccurately if I gave the impression that her most hurtful traits came from her mouth.  Her attitudes and actions pretty much take the cake on that.  And that is what she'll never get.

[MommaBear]

I don't know how I would rank them, and I'm sure I've forgotten some things, but here are a few:

"You're not a man."

"No woman would ever want you."

"If you had an accident and were stuck in a wheelchair, I would still love you but because you wouldn't be able to give me the sex I need I would have to leave you.  Sorry, just being honest about who I am."

"You don't know how to handle real life."

"I've never had this problem with any other guy I've ever been with (it's just you)" (as she laid into me about my sexual performance during the first few months of our marriage, after kicking me in the shins)

(years later, while cheating on me with another man but 'deciding' what she wants to do) "Now that you know how to F--K, I might have to keep you around."

Notice, none of these involved name-calling.  I can handle being called a "loser" or a "F@#$ing A-hole".  These were plain, calm statements.  That said, I would be representing her inaccurately if I gave the impression that her most hurtful traits came from her mouth.  Her attitudes and actions pretty much take the cake on that.  And that is what she'll never get.

Yup, this rings true for me as well. It's not about the words, particularly, it's the ACTIONS that sting the most.

[BacknthSaddle]

I have to say, this thread has been very helpful, just seeing that others have experienced this kind of pathological criticism and that it relates so directly to the disorder.  I remind myself of these kind of things whenever I start to question whether my ex has the disorder or is even unhealthy.  I found it so bizarre the first time she said to me "The way you're being right now you're not very attractive."  I didn't think that I still had to fight for the attraction of a woman who "loved me more than she ever knew it was possible to love someone" and for whom I was "the sexiest person she's ever been with."  I'd never been a long-term r/s with someone who said something like that, but still I assumed the problem was with me.  

[OutOfEgypt]

Aside from the put-downs and constant criticism, actions often involved taking control of things I'm doing... .

Such as parenting the kids... .by undermining my authority right in front of them, treating me like I don't know what I'm doing (which made me feel incompetent and like I needed her guidance, which I resented).  The irony is that I am 100 times closer to them than she will ever be because I gave them me, while she was busy sleeping all day or playing with herself on the phone with her new man-loser.

Such as cleaning the house... .although I did 95% of everything for years, it was never enough.  She could do a better job.  And about once a month or ever 2 months she would snap and go on a yelling and cleaning rampage, just to show me and all of us how it's really done.

Oh, so many more examples... .so little time to write them all down.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to say, this thread has been very helpful, just seeing that others have experienced this kind of pathological criticism and that it relates so directly to the disorder.  I remind myself of these kind of things whenever I start to question whether my ex has the disorder or is even unhealthy.  I found it so bizarre the first time she said to me "The way you're being right now you're not very attractive."  I didn't think that I still had to fight for the attraction of a woman who "loved me more than she ever knew it was possible to love someone" and for whom I was "the sexiest person she's ever been with."  I'd never been a long-term r/s with someone who said something like that, but still I assumed the problem was with me.  

Yep, navigating these relationships is like emotional Whack-A-Mole, and I too instantly went to looking to what I might have done to cause the latest direction the chaos took.  But you know what?  With most people, when there's an emotional rift, it eventually gets discussed, because both people feel the discomfort and want to resolve it.  I came to understand that situations like that didn't make her feel any more uncomfortable than usual, just the normal chaos, and I couldn't deal, in fact I gotta go.

[Blimblam]

The Systematic usage of "ugh what are you doing? Just stop it you can't do anything right" with that damn smirk

[thereishope]

Aside from the put-downs and constant criticism, actions often involved taking control of things I'm doing... .

Such as parenting the kids... .by undermining my authority right in front of them, treating me like I don't know what I'm doing (which made me feel incompetent and like I needed her guidance, which I resented).  The irony is that I am 100 times closer to them than she will ever be because I gave them me, while she was busy sleeping all day or playing with herself on the phone with her new man-loser.

Such as cleaning the house... .although I did 95% of everything for years, it was never enough.  She could do a better job.  And about once a month or ever 2 months she would snap and go on a yelling and cleaning rampage, just to show me and all of us how it's really done.

Oh, so many more examples... .so little time to write them all down.

I can relate... .Feel like a child who never knew how to do anything before uBPDh came along.  Apparently he knows how to do things, so he has the ability/authority to instruct me properly on everything as we go... .One time he stormed into the bathroom and started cleaning it... .I told him I could take care of it but he only got angrier in response... .later he ranted about how I wasn't taking care of things around the house... .I really have tried... .The other day, there were a few dishes drying in the dish rack... .and he blurted out, "What do you even do around here?  There is ALWAYS dishes in the rack or a sink full of dishes when I came home"... .This was a day or two after I MADE SURE the sink and rack were EMPTY so he would be pleased... .

Any my kids... .he SAYS he wants THEM to RESPECT me... .(but acts disrespectful to me himself, AND underminds my authority with them often too... .He buys them things and does nice things for them, and often instructs me very firmly on what to do with them/how to mother them... .funny I did fine with them before he was around... . and their favorite week was when I ran away to my parents out of state... .their words, "we actually did things together then... ."  I definitely feel like myself/a different person when we are away from him... .

[thereishope]

I have to say, this thread has been very helpful, just seeing that others have experienced this kind of pathological criticism and that it relates so directly to the disorder.   

Yep, navigating these relationships is like emotional Whack-A-Mole,

This comment made me LOL!... .BUT OH SO ACCURATE!   

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, it was a constant assault on my self-image.  I was constantly put "on the block", weighed, and found wanting... .except in the rare moments when I was running around like a good little puppy dog and she decided to throw me a bone and say "good boy!"

[lm911]

You are not a man.

Nobody will want to have sex with you.

Better not to see penis in my life than to sleep again with you.

[thereishope]

Yes, it was a constant assault on my self-image.  I was constantly put "on the block", weighed, and found wanting... .except in the rare moments when I was running around like a good little puppy dog and she decided to throw me a bone and say "good boy!"

Exactly... .

[goldylamont]

I will agree with some others that it wasn't my ex's words that affected me the most. It was suttle actions. I actually had to think hard to find something she said that hurt while she was outwardly mad. The things she did while smiling in my face were much more painful though. Such as showing off gifts her new bf got her saying how much he loved her, and her leaving it on the nightstand for days so it was the first thing I saw when I woke up. Or smiling while she telegraphed they were having sex telling me without me asking "its just so weird discovering another man's body after being with the same person for so long", then smile and walk away. Most hurtful in the r/s would be when she would say something critical or initiate an argument, then when I would try my best to respond respectfully to her she'd be typing text messages or be on facebook giggling at things, obviously trying to show me she could care less about my feelings or the fact that I was trying hard to be nice.

At the end of the day what's important is to remember our own emotions during these times so that if it occurs with anyone else in the future we can put a stop to it immediately. Sure, if someone is raving mad it's easy to see emotional abuse but it sounds like many of us here were  even more hurt by the suttel and deceitful behaviors.

As an example a few months ago I was dating a girl. After the third or fourth date she started complaining to me about my behavior the previous time we had hung out. She never said anything while we were together though. But over the phone her sudden devaluation was clear. She wasn't agitated at all, quite calm how she said things, but I could just feel the devaluation. And I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. So I never contacted her again. I had a healthy gf who would bring up things she was unhappy about but it was always with a modicum of respect. Sure we might disagree or be a bit frustrated but there was never a feeling of her trying to devalue me in deceitful ways. So the lesson is to identify this trait in people and be willing to walk away from anyone who makes you feel like this. Once you trust your own instincts its all the evidence you need to recognize emotional abuse.

[Lights843]

"You should have jumped off that bridge" - after I came back from a jog.

"There is no way I would ever have a child with you" - after 14 years together.

[raytamtay3]

Let's see - The ones that stick out "white trash skank" and a "___".  The ladder of which he said he could not understand why that word bothered me so much... . He also told me when he left me a voice mail message when I left hime, "I love you you ___ing pig". Classic... .

Oh and when i was in the hospital after a stroke, he first asked if I wanted company. After finding out I had to have my now husband, then b/f, go pick up our son from daycare, he said "you think you had stress before and that's what gave you your stroke, just wait".

[raytamtay3]

delete

[Sleuth]

When asked why, she was behaving so cruelly: 'I'm trying to kill in you, what's already dead in me'. In all fairness to the girl, she did succeed. Sloppy technique, mind.

[Blimblam]

When asked why, she was behaving so cruelly: 'I'm trying to kill in you, what's already dead in me'. In all fairness to the girl, she did succeed. Sloppy technique, mind.

While mine never said this it is truly how feel about that stage in the interaction with her.  I really feel like I understand her now because of it also.

[LostGhost]

To tell the truth... .my ex never really said anything mean to me. I've looked back and reflected as much as I can to try and recall something but I came up with nothing. She did mean things like hot/cold, silent treatment, treating random people with extreme kindness while being cold to me... .all if which definitely hurt. But I don't remember her name calling, making fun of my appearance, size of my penis or any of these awful things.

Does that mean my ex wasn't really BPD? Is it possible for that mean streak to be absent but still be BPD? 

[Blimblam]

To tell the truth... .my ex never really said anything mean to me. I've looked back and reflected as much as I can to try and recall something but I came up with nothing. She did mean things like hot/cold, silent treatment, treating random people with extreme kindness while being cold to me... .all if which definitely hurt. But I don't remember her name calling, making fun of my appearance, size of my penis or any of these awful things.

Does that mean my ex wasn't really BPD? Is it possible for that mean streak to be absent but still be BPD? 

Often the most hurtful things my ex did was the little actions she did to undermine my confidence then act like she didn't know what I was talking about when I confronted her. A sigh or body language and them am action to undermine me somehow and when she saw me in pain a sadistic smirk.  It's not the words it's the communication through their actions that hurt so much.  The effect it has is to think it may be all in your head and you are the problem.  It becomes internalized and is one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it is so covert in nature it is hard to defend against and over time it wears you down to nothing

[goldylamont]

Often the most hurtful things my ex did was the little actions she did to undermine my confidence then act like she didn't know what I was talking about when I confronted her. A sigh or body language and them am action to undermine me somehow and when she saw me in pain a sadistic smirk.  It's not the words it's the communication through their actions that hurt so much.  The effect it has is to think it may be all in your head and you are the problem.  It becomes internalized and is one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it is so covert in nature it is hard to defend against and over time it wears you down to nothing

exactly. covert abuse is abuse just the same. my ex rarely "raged", maybe only 2 or 3 times i can remember in 4 years--and these aren't really the times where i was most hurt. if you read my post above LostGhost you will see how my experience i similar to both yours and Blimblam. your ex was just 'smarter' and more covert with her abuse.

[stove monkey]

Yes, the nasty things said. Who talks this way?

"I prayed for you to die last night"

"F-U you bald, fat short d-ck mf'er"

"You're a horrible husband and a ___ty ass father"

"You are the lowest form of a human being on the planet".

"Man-up you pussy, you're weak".

"What is wrong with you, were you molested as a child? Something terrible must have happened to you, you are seriously f'd up".

Many, many more, I've been married to her for 21 years. On my way out now that daughter is gone.

I identify so well all the passive aggressive things as well as the double binds. Always set up to fail, no win situations. Can't ever do anything right. Took the trash out wrong last week. What the heck?

[Lion Fire]

There were so many:

The worst were derogatory comments about my physical appearance.

She humiliated and abused me sexually,

She said sick things about my deceased wife.

She goaded me about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.

Vile and unacceptable.

[Blimblam]

Often the most hurtful things my ex did was the little actions she did to undermine my confidence then act like she didn't know what I was talking about when I confronted her. A sigh or body language and them am action to undermine me somehow and when she saw me in pain a sadistic smirk.  It's not the words it's the communication through their actions that hurt so much.  The effect it has is to think it may be all in your head and you are the problem.  It becomes internalized and is one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it is so covert in nature it is hard to defend against and over time it wears you down to nothing

exactly. covert abuse is abuse just the same. my ex rarely "raged", maybe only 2 or 3 times i can remember in 4 years--and these aren't really the times where i was most hurt. if you read my post above LostGhost you will see how my experience i similar to both yours and Blimblam. your ex was just 'smarter' and more covert with her abuse.

I read your post goldy and it is right on point. 

The covert abuse in my case conditioned me over time so that it appeared to people around me that I was the problem too. She could be full on abusing me in front of people subtly and present it as a mask of being a good person if we were in a group setting. The people around observing it would side with her and I would lie to myself thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I was being paranoid. This is an aspect of the narcissism I have been ranting about lately. I would lie to myself that it didn't bother me as much as it did and repress as much of the pain as I could. 

[thereishope]

I would lie to myself that it didn't bother me as much as it did and repress as much of the pain as I could. 

I think I have done this as well.

[maxen]

she blindsided me and we met only twice since but one of those times i told her how destroyed i was by her lying, and she looked at me evenly and shrugged. that was the lowest thing she "said".

[LostGhost]

I must be blind or just not intelligent enough to have seen the covert abuse. These things you are all relaying are awful. I would not say them to my worst enemy and BPD or not I can't imagine my ex saying them to me either. Yes she was hot/cold and emotionally abusive that way. Yes she abandoned me without remorse and was back with her ex the next day. Yes she gave me silent treatment. But after gathering intel from mutual friends, even they say she hasn't said a single negative thing about me in the aftermath. I know for a fact I was painted black but... .I guess she couldn't bring herself to bad mouth me? I don't understand that. Everything I've read has led me to believe she'd tear me to pieces without mercy but so far it hasn't happened. I still have her family on Facebook, siblings, cousins and the few friends she has amidst her many acquaintances. They haven't blocked me or deleted me yet.

Do I have a "nice" ex with BPD? The posts I'm reading here are awful... .verbal abuse that could destroy a person.

Maybe she was just more covert. I do remember the little smirks and the twinkle in her eye when she did something hurtful, almost saying, "Oh... .poor thing, did that hurt... .? Good!"

[fromheeltoheal]

Reading all these posts it's apparent once again how lonely it must be to have that disorder.  Sure, a borderline knows what effect their actions have on people, by trial and error, but they really don't have the ability to connect with other humans on an adult level.  And sure, it seems malicious, but people in any kind of extreme pain will do things that seem malicious, kind of a sharing of pain.  How bout we just decide to be grateful that we do have the ability to empathize and connect with other humans, leave the borderlines to their chaos, and get on with living all the way.

[Artisan]

My ex is very unhappy because she knows how she drives people away.

I've heard her go on about how much she hates herself, how nobody can love her, how she is broken ... .

All of which she has also said about me, loudly.

And then turned around and denied saying, or said that I misunderstood what she was saying. How can a person misinterpret, "I hate you - leave", "You are not a man." "You are going to F* your friends and total strangers." and things along those lines ... .?

What really got to me was the denial things like that were said.

It really messed with my head.

Much of what was written in this thread was also communicated to me at one point or another, including some of the odd emotional trickery where upon responding, I'd be the 'enemy.'

Today was my birthday, and she reached out and told me how much she loves me and still makes plans for me to be in her future and create a life together.

[Thrace]

"I've had to put up with 1 (then 2, then 3, then +1 every year until 25!) years of HELL being married to you".

That was her favourite and every time, I would just shake my head in disbelief that going through hell, didn't even scratch the surface of what living with her rages was like for me.

Well, she's on her own now and I think she's finding it hard not having a regular punch bag to rage at! 

[Blimblam]

I must be blind or just not intelligent enough to have seen the covert abuse. These things you are all relaying are awful. I would not say them to my worst enemy and BPD or not I can't imagine my ex saying them to me either. Yes she was hot/cold and emotionally abusive that way. Yes she abandoned me without remorse and was back with her ex the next day. Yes she gave me silent treatment. But after gathering intel from mutual friends, even they say she hasn't said a single negative thing about me in the aftermath. I know for a fact I was painted black but... .I guess she couldn't bring herself to bad mouth me? I don't understand that. Everything I've read has led me to believe she'd tear me to pieces without mercy but so far it hasn't happened. I still have her family on Facebook, siblings, cousins and the few friends she has amidst her many acquaintances. They haven't blocked me or deleted me yet.

Do I have a "nice" ex with BPD? The posts I'm reading here are awful... .verbal abuse that could destroy a person.

Maybe she was just more covert. I do remember the little smirks and the twinkle in her eye when she did something hurtful, almost saying, "Oh... .poor thing, did that hurt... .? Good!"

Lost ghost my ex

Picked and chose who she would smear me to. To her family she kept me in so so light because she probably wanted to get back with me in the future and saw me as the guy she could marry.   

[Caredverymuch]

I must be blind or just not intelligent enough to have seen the covert abuse. These things you are all relaying are awful. I would not say them to my worst enemy and BPD or not I can't imagine my ex saying them to me either. Yes she was hot/cold and emotionally abusive that way. Yes she abandoned me without remorse and was back with her ex the next day. Yes she gave me silent treatment. But after gathering intel from mutual friends, even they say she hasn't said a single negative thing about me in the aftermath. I know for a fact I was painted black but... .I guess she couldn't bring herself to bad mouth me? I don't understand that. Everything I've read has led me to believe she'd tear me to pieces without mercy but so far it hasn't happened. I still have her family on Facebook, siblings, cousins and the few friends she has amidst her many acquaintances. They haven't blocked me or deleted me yet.

Do I have a "nice" ex with BPD? The posts I'm reading here are awful... .verbal abuse that could destroy a person.

Maybe she was just more covert. I do remember the little smirks and the twinkle in her eye when she did something hurtful, almost saying, "Oh... .poor thing, did that hurt... .? Good!"

Lost ghost my ex

Picked and chose who she would smear me to. To her family she kept me in so so light because she probably wanted to get back with me in the future and saw me as the guy she could marry.   

Originally I felt this thread may induce triggering but I have found reading through our comments that it has provided immense desensitization.  I hope others here are gaining that same positive as we see these behaviors are definitively part of a disorder and not deserved or earned.

Has your experiences helped anyone to reconstruct boundaries?  It has been a true positive end result for me.  I had to do a few things and still work daily at this.

1) a good look at my core issues which caused me to stay in the BPD tango.  We all have a reason. They likely will have some commonality but vary too.  Im a caregiver. A very good thing but bad thing if boundaries are forgotten.  Was so easy for me to fall for my ex in that nature alone. Add on the incredible seduction etc. Bliss.  I had no idea about BPD. Doesnt excuse why I ignored the red flags.  But now I know better.  And I do better.   

We were gas lighted during idealization.  This enhanced that traumatic bonding where by we became emotional hostages.  We behaved just like hostages adapting our behaviors and losing our minds to get our emotional terrorist back to treating us well. 

Being NC was so incredibly difficult during the abandonment and subsequent trauma. The confusion. The physical debilitation.  With time and work being NC has given me back my life. .  . 

When I sense any devaluation or red flags in potential partners now. I walk. No second chances. Its a wonderful gift to have confidence back. My boundaries. My self love getting stronger everyday.  And when you put that boundary up going forward, wait and see how much respect you get in return.  It happens. You will never go backward again.   

Keep on growing my friends and learning and loving yourself.  Better days ARE ahead. I got there!

[Ihope2]

"I am bored of this, I am bored of sitting in your house all day, I hate where you live, I hate this town, I hate your suburb, I hate the weather here. I am just living here for you."

"You should have married an old man.  I think you just want to play doctor/psychologist with me.  You are not interested in me as a person, I am just a patient to you. You should rather have married some feeble old man to look after and play nurse to."

"I am like an expensive pet to you, just like your cats, just more expensive."

"You are selfish and obsessed with money."

"You don't enjoy sex with me, just admit it, I am not the man of your dreams."

"I know you are probably seeing someone else." (He became paranoid and suspicious that I was having an affair or fancying someone else - Lord knows when he thought I was carrying on behind his back, as I was at work 8hrs a day 5 days a week and the rest of the time, I was at home with him. But then over weekends, he would take off with my car and I would be left alone at home the whole day.)

At the end of the marriage, he openly threatened suicide:  "That bullet that goes through my brain will have your name written on it."

So many twisted, distorted, unbelievably hurtful things that are said to us.  It hurts so much when it is said, but we must let it go... .take it from whence it is coming, from a very disordered individual.

[OutOfEgypt]

Oh, I forgot a good one.

I was told repeatedly that I'm "shady".  I'm a "schemer."  I'm "vindictive."

Hmm... .and this is while she constantly has a black-list a hundred miles long of people she hates and cuts off.  And this is while she went months and months painting false stories about a guy she was humping behind my back, gaslighting me, telling me and everyone else he was "gay".  And I'm a schemer?

I know what she is referring to... .how I filed for divorce behind her back a few times and wanted to take the kids away.  Could it possibly be that I did that because I knew I was dealing with a person who is not rational and doesn't see or own up to the damage she does?  Hmm... . Nope, couldn't possibly be that.  I'm just a mean schemer.

[Overbeck]

I've been thinking about this thread all week. So many awful texting and verbal tirades I endured.

But if I'm really honest with myself than I'd say the worst thing she ever said to me was, "I love you."

[OutOfEgypt]

I agree with Overbeck.  It's the combination of positive with negative that is the most mind-destroying.  The negative things are just to tear us down, to ruin our self-image, to make us pliable in their hands.  But it is the positive things that make us stay.  I had a memory last night while in bed trying to sleep.  I remembered the last time we "held toes."  She would come up behind me in bed (at least... .when we actually slept in the same bed), and cuddle and put her feet behind mine.  I would curl my toes over hers.  It was one of our sweet things.  And I remember the last time we did that was while we were breaking up from our final recycle.  She knew I was really tired, and I was sleeping on a terrible mattress in the office, and she did something sweet.  I was extremely cautious and untrusting (for good reason), but she walked me into the bedroom and laid me down in the bed, covered me up, and then snuggled me and we held toes.  We both cried.  Anyway, last night I remembered how that was the last time that happened and would ever happen.  And I cried.  It hurts to remember that.  The worst thing they could ever do to us is keep us with their own dysfunctional and childish kind of love.

[Feralnerd]

I initially had mixed feelings about what this thread might be, since I've noticed that the more I rehearse the hateful things she said to me, the more I find myself wallowing in self pity. But I stand corrected, this has been incredibly validating to see what are almost leitmotifs replayed in other people's relationships.

So here's my contribution:

"You are a perpetual disappointment. Every grand gesture you attempt falls flat on its face and ends up disappointing me even more."

"You aren't creative. You just want to associate yourself with creative people because you wish you could be like them."

"You aren't as strong as you think you are."

All of those were designed not just to hurt, but to strike at my most vulnerable places. My crime? Not being the idealized version of me she projected on to me.

But by far the most damaging thing she ever said was "I love you so so soo much."

[Bulgakov]

Referring to a situation where I had admittedly finally lost it and got pretty immature (just wanted to preface that to be fair), she said: "You wouldn't shut the ___ up so I had to pop you."

At her birthday a couple years ago, probably when I finally gave up and resigned myself to just being tortured until I could get out, she spit in my face several times while hitting me. But what hurts the most is that lately when I say why I'm so upset and why I can't just start over and try to make things work is that she just says, "we weren't together." But we were. That is how she treated me, as if we were together. She retroactively has decided that we just weren't together during situations that she won't talk about. She can't understand why I want the truth about our entire relationship, which is sounding more and more like it is based on lies.

[free-n-clear]

So, while it was the most hurtful thing he had ever done to me, it kind of set me free at the same time.

   Same here. The most deliberately hurtful thing my uBPDxgf did was gleefully rub my face in the fact that she was screwing my (then)best mate. But it was also the best thing she ever did for me, because that was when she used up the very last of her one-last-chances.

[Caramel]

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

[OutOfEgypt]

Another one... .

"It's not my fault you have no friends."

I wonder though.  Was that her projecting the fact that she KNOWS that she has no real friends, or was it her tacit admission of guilt that she knows she manipulated and isolated me with her abusive behavior?

[thereishope]

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

Once again, I could have written many of these myself.  Amazing we take this stuff... .

[TomFrippery]

During months of no sexual (actually, no physical contact), whenever I'd make a move, or even mention sex, she'd berate me for being a sex addict.  Informed me that I was being creepy whenever I made eye contact or brushed against another woman.  Then, I did a grand date night up right - we had sex for the first time in almost a year.  It was wonderful - fell asleep curled up in each other's arms.

The next morning, I awoke to find her sobbing in the bathroom.  When I asked her what was wrong, she informed me that she was just so disappointed in me that I would rape her like I had the night before.



Frequently, when I'd share an opinion about some change I'd like to make in our kids' lives, she'd open the fight by starting to cry.  When I asked what was wrong, she'd say she was just so disappointed in me - that she was horrified to learn that I was the kind of person who would put our kid's lives at risk.  For instance, suggesting that our son was ready to leave the high chair he barely fit in was 'me being willing to see him fall from the table, hit his head on the corner, and die.'

When I protested that wasn't what I was saying, she'd follow up with 'I can't believe you'd rather win an argument with me then back down and admit I'm right, even if it means letting our children die.  I thought you were a better man than that - I now know I was wrong.'



Yeah, I've still got some untangling to do, but I'm free and wise now.

[Feralnerd]

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

Oh, that's a familiar statement and as I later learned, the hallmark of an abuser. My uBPDexgf used to gaslight me with these. She'd create drama and try to sabotage the relationship, then expect me to save it, then at some later point blame me for the chaos and count is as a blemish on my record. Apparently it is very common for abusers to take the stance of "look what you made me do" and blame you for their destructive actions. Every human being is responsible for their own actions, no one ever MAKES us do terrible things.

I promise you, she wasn't cured with whoever came before you, and wasn't cured with whoever came after you.

[MommaBear]

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

Once again, I could have written many of these myself.  Amazing we take this stuff... .

Holy batman. Did we all marry the same guy?

[Mutt]

This thread has reached its post limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.