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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Did they ever tell you to "never contact them again"?  (Read 7850 times)
Xidion
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« Reply #30 on: December 04, 2014, 01:42:18 PM »

Do you really  think so  Xidion   or is it wishful thinking ?

After all the hurt they put us trough , hanging up saying the worth about us , treating us like nothing ,and you know the rest ... .

how do they have the gut to ask us to take them back does anyone witness that  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ?

It could be wishful thinking. I talked to the guy before me, he said she reached out to him 4 or 5 different times while her and I were together.  Anything can happen. Be prepared to ignore any attempts they may make in the future. We all know what will happen.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2014, 01:52:56 PM »

I honestly think that they tell us this so there is no interference with the replacement. They are idealizing them and feel they don't need anyone else.  As soon as they start devaluing them,  who do you think they are going to reach out to?  Whether it be 6 months or a year,  eventually they will see if you are still available.

Based on experience, i can tell you why they tell you never contact me again,  There are a number of different reasons why they do this these are as follows:

Cluster Bs NEED to be in control of the situation, if they feel as if they have lost control their anxiety heightens in fear that you will abandon them first.  So by saying never contact me again, their basically saying, Im the one in control here not you, in theory it would suggest that they play out the punitive parent role of their own mother or father, and they are punishing us as the parent for nor meeting their needs.  For example, imagine a child that gets told no you cant have that, they proceed to try and regain control by slamming the door in a passive aggressive manner because even though the child is angry at the parent (us) after a while they will re open the door just to see if the parent is still in the house (sending a text with no reply) and when they see the parent, its their way of thinking, well im now going to give him/her the silent treatment, but its ok because he/ she is still their when needed.

They also push us away to the point of no return because, they know deep down that, we now know who they really are as people.  They will push us away as far as they possibly can to protect their true identity.  For example, my ex blocked me on FB, and her replacement has over 900 friends on FB and one mutual friend with me, 3 weeks into their relationship i noticed that, my one mutual friend had been deleted.  The Cluster B will say this to the new guy/girl i dont want (insert name) trying to destroy our relationship, even though THEY told us NEVER contact me again.  What he/she is really thinking at this point is this, I dont want my ex talking to my new bf/gf because I know that he will find out the truth.  Furthermore, it is also said to us in the sense that, don't contact me again actually means... .Ill contact you when i NEED you.

We are now the trigger to their anxiety/depression, to rid themselves of such symptoms they have to push us away as much as they can in order to feel in control of their negative emotions, these are mere children running away from unresolved trauma.  This is solely the reason why they are so cruel to us when they know that, the attachment they have lined up is actually the guy that rids her of these emotions, that is why they become idolized, they are basically saying, thank you for saving me from depression, i owe you so much for saving me from my own self destruction.  They dont love the new person, they are only with them because right now her attachment is in place.  This basically means that no depression or anxiety can exist during this period.  

 
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shellbent
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« Reply #32 on: December 04, 2014, 02:23:05 PM »

Mine always said "when I'm done, I'm done". Been almost 4 months now, she's been with the new dude almost 4 months, so I think I'm pretty safe... .

Exactly the same as you, when im done im done, and almost 4 months with my replacement Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Same here 4 months with my replacement and the " leave be"  thing !  Took the same night class didn't they ?

Funny, my ex told me the same exact thing, in other words. If I close a chapter, I don't go back. Well the reason this is funny is because she wasn't talking about me, rather her ex before me. Apparently when we broke up he wanted to get back together with her. Which is obviously a lie because he had found someone new and after a year I don't think he would take her back. So she reversed the situation, in fact she wanted to go back to the alleged cheater and douche. In my case though she didn't block me on fb or anything just said "let me live my life the way I need to".

So her ex in my guess deleted her and family from FB, only 3 months later she already had re-added him.

On the other hand I pretty much made her break up with me due to a lot of stress and a crappy life situation happening. She wouldn't even talk to me after I told her that I was devastated and couldn't stand to see her as just a friend (and also co-worker).

So I kept her on FB and she is with a new "love".

So funny that in only 3 months she found the person she had always been waiting for... .

She is never contacting me again, and even though there were some disagreements (not even really fights, we were really compatible), I have a really good feeling that this new guy is a joker and has nothing on me. If she could understand the things that I do, it would all be different.

But it isn't this all went down in one of the worst possible ways. Still recovering from the blow almost 6 months later.

All I want is to feel what I did when I was with her. If I could just find someone like that, but then also someone who isn't emotionally feeble.

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Xidion
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« Reply #33 on: December 04, 2014, 02:35:02 PM »

I honestly think that they tell us this so there is no interference with the replacement. They are idealizing them and feel they don't need anyone else.  As soon as they start devaluing them,  who do you think they are going to reach out to?  Whether it be 6 months or a year,  eventually they will see if you are still available.

Based on experience, i can tell you why they tell you never contact me again,  There are a number of different reasons why they do this these are as follows:

Cluster Bs NEED to be in control of the situation, if they feel as if they have lost control their anxiety heightens in fear that you will abandon them first.  So by saying never contact me again, their basically saying, Im the one in control here not you, in theory it would suggest that they play out the punitive parent role of their own mother or father, and they are punishing us as the parent for nor meeting their needs.  For example, imagine a child that gets told no you cant have that, they proceed to try and regain control by slamming the door in a passive aggressive manner because even though the child is angry at the parent (us) after a while they will re open the door just to see if the parent is still in the house (sending a text with no reply) and when they see the parent, its their way of thinking, well im now going to give him/her the silent treatment, but its ok because he/ she is still their when needed.

They also push us away to the point of no return because, they know deep down that, we now know who they really are as people.  They will push us away as far as they possibly can to protect their true identity.  For example, my ex blocked me on FB, and her replacement has over 900 friends on FB and one mutual friend with me, 3 weeks into their relationship i noticed that, my one mutual friend had been deleted.  The Cluster B will say this to the new guy/girl i dont want (insert name) trying to destroy our relationship, even though THEY told us NEVER contact me again.  What he/she is really thinking at this point is this, I dont want my ex talking to my new bf/gf because I know that he will find out the truth.  Furthermore, it is also said to us in the sense that, don't contact me again actually means... .Ill contact you when i NEED you.

We are now the trigger to their anxiety/depression, to rid themselves of such symptoms they have to push us away as much as they can in order to feel in control of their negative emotions, these are mere children running away from unresolved trauma.  This is solely the reason why they are so cruel to us when they know that, the attachment they have lined up is actually the guy that rids her of these emotions, that is why they become idolized, they are basically saying, thank you for saving me from depression, i owe you so much for saving me from my own self destruction.  They dont love the new person, they are only with them because right now her attachment is in place.  This basically means that no depression or anxiety can exist during this period.  

 

This sounds pretty spot on.
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evilpepsi
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« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2014, 03:13:41 PM »

My ex would text me and then end the text with do not text me back. It was a control thing for her. She had to do it before I disengaged from the conversation.

At the end though, I told her to never contact me again and then I blocked her number. Its been a week since things fell apart, but it also feels like so long ago... .
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day2day

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« Reply #35 on: December 04, 2014, 05:58:26 PM »

My BPDexgf did something even more bizarre than tell me not to contact her.

When she abruptly terminated our six year R/S, I asked her if we still might want to communicate, or is this IT? Her reply was that if I felt further communication was too painful for me to engage in, she could certainly understand. Not only did that allow her to avoid directly answering my question, but it also made her (in her twisted mind) feel compassionate and sensitive.

After about 3 months of NC, I got a sweet letter from her along with a tug-at-the-heartstrings gift. I was even told by her that I was more than welcome to show my face in her immediate neighborhood. A few days later, after I dropped off a small token of goodwill in return, I got an e-mail that I should NOT come around again, she had a new BF, and she realized by my gesture that she was wrong to think that we could "remain friends." So in other words, I got punished for doing what a gentleman should probably do. I got set up and knocked down, and once again she manipulated the scenario to take herself off the hook. What kind of person does this? And once again, I might add, I got the false compassion. "I don't want to  subject you to any more pain or anguish, so I will refrain from contacting you."

It was around that time... .roughly a year ago... .when I fortunately discovered BPD. All I can say is, wow. It all begins to come into focus. This website has been VERY helpful. I'd appreciate hearing from other readers regarding the mind games I've just described. Does any of it sound familiar?
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captainp

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« Reply #36 on: December 06, 2014, 04:47:10 AM »

I honestly think that they tell us this so there is no interference with the replacement. They are idealizing them and feel they don't need anyone else.  As soon as they start devaluing them,  who do you think they are going to reach out to?  Whether it be 6 months or a year,  eventually they will see if you are still available.

Based on experience, i can tell you why they tell you never contact me again,  There are a number of different reasons why they do this these are as follows:

Cluster Bs NEED to be in control of the situation, if they feel as if they have lost control their anxiety heightens in fear that you will abandon them first.  So by saying never contact me again, their basically saying, Im the one in control here not you, in theory it would suggest that they play out the punitive parent role of their own mother or father, and they are punishing us as the parent for nor meeting their needs.  For example, imagine a child that gets told no you cant have that, they proceed to try and regain control by slamming the door in a passive aggressive manner because even though the child is angry at the parent (us) after a while they will re open the door just to see if the parent is still in the house (sending a text with no reply) and when they see the parent, its their way of thinking, well im now going to give him/her the silent treatment, but its ok because he/ she is still their when needed.

They also push us away to the point of no return because, they know deep down that, we now know who they really are as people.  They will push us away as far as they possibly can to protect their true identity.  For example, my ex blocked me on FB, and her replacement has over 900 friends on FB and one mutual friend with me, 3 weeks into their relationship i noticed that, my one mutual friend had been deleted.  The Cluster B will say this to the new guy/girl i dont want (insert name) trying to destroy our relationship, even though THEY told us NEVER contact me again.  What he/she is really thinking at this point is this, I dont want my ex talking to my new bf/gf because I know that he will find out the truth.  Furthermore, it is also said to us in the sense that, don't contact me again actually means... .Ill contact you when i NEED you.

We are now the trigger to their anxiety/depression, to rid themselves of such symptoms they have to push us away as much as they can in order to feel in control of their negative emotions, these are mere children running away from unresolved trauma.  This is solely the reason why they are so cruel to us when they know that, the attachment they have lined up is actually the guy that rids her of these emotions, that is why they become idolized, they are basically saying, thank you for saving me from depression, i owe you so much for saving me from my own self destruction.  They dont love the new person, they are only with them because right now her attachment is in place.  This basically means that no depression or anxiety can exist during this period.  

 

This is exactly what mine did.  Exactly.

What are the chances that being split black (on the first occasion) is permanent?  Like, if you could throw out an estimated percentage?

After I returned her stuff I hadn't heard from her in a week, when she sent me a bunch of angry texts messages.  I made the mistake of responding, asking her what the bleep she was talking about.  She responded by calling the cops on me and claiming that I was harassing her.  She placed a No Contact order on me, I believe, in order to be in control of future contact.

I turned over our private texts to the police in order to prove that she was the one who contacted me, and then placed a No Contact order on her (because she was now scaring the crap out of me).

So now we are legally prohibited from contacting each other, however, she had been recently covertly monitoring my social media accounts, so I suspect that she might split me white at some point in the future.

What are my (estimated) chances of never hearing from her again?

I hope that she stays away, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss her at all.  Her good side was really good.  I just couldn't handle the push-pull behaviour.
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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #37 on: December 06, 2014, 07:33:26 AM »

She left suddenly, no words, no reasons, she disappeared, vanished. Blocked on every possible way. My xBPDgf threatened me with a restrain order when I tried to reach out for at least a closure... .almost a month after I cassually bumped onto her in the street and her reaction was like if I had a knife in my hand. She called on some cops that were nearby and told them I was harrassing her, following her. Then she left, never turning back. The next day I receive a call from her father telling me she is undergoing with a very heavy crisis and I am asked to never, ever under any circumstances contact her again, by any means or else he would take legal action against me...

I will never hear from her again, that's what I know for sure.

That was the closure I got.  
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hope2727
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« Reply #38 on: December 06, 2014, 10:45:34 AM »

Yikes painted black that is so scary. I am sorry you are enduring all that. Is there anything you can do preemptively to protect yourself? Maybe a restraining order or something?

Mine told me over and over that he never looked back. He was referring to other people. Yet he threw a hissy fit when I was uncomfortable with all his ex's commenting on our Facebook posts. I asked him if he felt it was appropriate to keep ex girlfriends and one nighters as FB friends let alone the married woman under his command he had the affair with. Particularly now that we were engaged. He freaked. No accountability.They were always commenting on his posts about us and our pictures. Even inviting themselves to join us when we were out somewhere. Including when we were on holidays celebrating a major academic accomplishment of mine. Creepy.  He accused me of having exs as FB friends so we sat down and cruised my whole 43 person friend list to discover nope no exs.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) FB is so weird. Anyway apparently he doesn't look back. He does steal friends both real world and FB from me. It was part of his excellent smear campaign. So my FB list is even smaller. :-) Thats ok. I am pretty comfortable with the friends I have and don't collect people like ornaments. My ex certainly kept tabs on all his exs on FB and in real life asking about them when we were out with mutual friends. It was odd.

Mine told me never contact him again then sobbed about how I hadn't reached out to him. augh the exhausting contradiction.

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Faith1520
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« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2014, 06:59:04 PM »

shellbent and captainp- YES. His good side was damn near perfect. So many good qualities. I would LOVE to find someone else who has all of those things, but I just can't imagine it happening.

I really would like to start dating again soon... .I'd like to get married and have children one day and I'm no spring chicken... .but right now I can't imagine even going on a date with someone else. I'm hoping it's the fact that I'm still healing but I'm worried that I'm never gonna feel like dating again. I just feel so ruined from this experience and I'm worried that it will never go away.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #40 on: December 09, 2014, 07:20:03 PM »

Oh yeah, how can I forget the "I dont think we should communicate because I dont want you to think theres any hope for something theres not"... .How nice of her. I feel like such a damn idiot.
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downwhim
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« Reply #41 on: December 09, 2014, 09:40:42 PM »

Yes, miss those good qualities too. Would love to duplicate them in a future date but I too am gun shy of even thinking of another relationship. I am exhausted from him!

My ex BPD said "when I am done, I am done." Such a John Wayne, so macho and a way to control the whole break up.

Replacement, I have a message for you... .the worst is yet to come!
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #42 on: December 09, 2014, 10:50:10 PM »

Jammo and Xidion pretty much nail it.  I heard "don't contact me" when he was dysregulating.  :)uring the r/s, and when I left him.  I was quite certain I wouldn't hear from him again.  About halfway through my recovery, I received an apology which in retrospect was him testing the waters.  Then just over a year out another "feeler" from him.  The members here suggested he was on the rocks with my replacement, and while I didn't know the status of ex and relacement, the speculation on this forum was correct.  They are now broken up.  

Don't contact me is a way for my ex to feel like he has the upper hand and it's a form of control.  It really means go away until I need my needs met by you again.  It was hurtful and for months I took it personally.  (Logically I knew he did this to others, including family members)  

Your SO has said this to others before you, and there will be others after you who will hear those same hurtful words.
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misty_red
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« Reply #43 on: December 09, 2014, 11:35:19 PM »

As some other people stated I think it really is some control-thing. I got the "Leave me alone finally" and yet she's the one being around and contactinc through third parties. If they say it, they really mean it in this way "YOU don't contact me again. But I will. I have the upper hand and it's up to me, when there's contact again." That's it. A control-thing.
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sirius
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« Reply #44 on: December 10, 2014, 09:24:39 AM »

The strange thing about my ex is that she bever said do not contact me. She said many similar things like :

1. I will change my number and move away

2. Please dont stir things up everytime

3. Please move on and take this opportunity to start a new life

4. we were never meant to be together from the begining

5. Why do you want to hurt me


After all these messages, she then kept me unblock and use another line for daily use.
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whythisgirl
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« Reply #45 on: December 10, 2014, 01:29:36 PM »

My xBPD recently told me never to contact him again but he is showing up at places he knows I will be. Weeks ago I was the one saying these things because of his crazy mood swings but he would wheel me back in. Now the tables have turned and I'm now devalued so I think he really means it.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #46 on: December 10, 2014, 01:36:20 PM »

My xBPD recently told me never to contact him again but he is showing up at places he knows I will be. Weeks ago I was the one saying these things because of his crazy mood swings but he would wheel me back in. Now the tables have turned and I'm now devalued so I think he really means it.

Good. He made a choice, he needs to live with it. Move on and get strong!
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misty_red
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« Reply #47 on: December 10, 2014, 02:47:01 PM »

My xBPD recently told me never to contact him again but he is showing up at places he knows I will be. Weeks ago I was the one saying these things because of his crazy mood swings but he would wheel me back in. Now the tables have turned and I'm now devalued so I think he really means it.

The EXACT thing is happening to me right now. I have no idea what's going on. Have been told to leave her alone but she is the one showing up at places whereshe  just knows 100% that I'll be at and yet I'm getting the silent treatment. I'm not reacting in any way and am ignoring her. Still it pisses me off. Glad I do have impulse control and can hide my distress from her.
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #48 on: December 11, 2014, 01:29:49 PM »

As some other people stated I think it really is some control-thing. I got the "Leave me alone finally" and yet she's the one being around and contactinc through third parties. If they say it, they really mean it in this way "YOU don't contact me again. But I will. I have the upper hand and it's up to me, when there's contact again." That's it. A control-thing.

Yep this is so true that's what ex said I never want to talk to you again do not contact me !

2 weeks later got a text .
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shellsh0cked
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« Reply #49 on: December 11, 2014, 03:17:44 PM »

During recycles I got that... .Don't ever contact me again... .yet she would send hateful emails and texts and torture me for weeks.  When I tried NC she went even crazier.

The last words I had with mine?  She was on her way to jail for coming to my house at 3am to stab me to death with some knives she got at Wal-Mart, public intoxication... .refusing to leave and smarting off to police... .Oh yeah, and the $4000 worth of damage she did to my car... .let's not forget that.   She was SCREAMING at me... ."How could you do this to me!"  You could have knocked me over with a feather... .My response?  "you brought this on yourself... ."  Nobody told her to come over there and do that.  She was waiting on me to come home... .Oh yeah.  It was because she "thought" I was looking at some other woman?  :)idn't happen... .but isn't that a great reason to make and attempt on someone's life, destroy their property and wind up in jail?

Following Monday?  Restraining order to which I gave a mutual friend the message that if she contacted me in any way?  Any way... .email, phone, text... .through a friend?  For ANY reason?  I swore to god she would go to jail without a second thought.  This was a NO CONTACT order and I told him that meant "none" and I wasn't ___ing around with her anymore.  I had enough!

I haven't heard from her since.  2 and a half years.  It's a good thing... .I hope to never hear from her again or see her face.

Funny, a mutual friend said that she was STILL blaming me for all of her current troubles... .2 and a half years later.  And that I needed to admit to my "part" in it... .wowza!  I got an enormous laugh out of that... .
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« Reply #50 on: December 11, 2014, 03:20:53 PM »

Dupe... .sorry.
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sweet tooth
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« Reply #51 on: March 18, 2016, 10:48:04 PM »

Mine told me "do not contact me again." That was almost three weeks ago. Whenever I go on LinkdIn it says she viewed me a minute ago... .
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« Reply #52 on: March 19, 2016, 02:54:45 PM »

 

So much in this topic is so relative.

We are in the process of divorce and have 2 children, so there has to be some contact, unfortunately. I wanted to go NC but it was not feasible with some of the issues at hand. I have been LC.

Generally, I do not initiate contact with him. In fact, I avoid contact with him ... .that inch becomes a mile in his mind. He tries to act nice but there is always an ulterior motive with him.

My children are late teens, so they are free to contact him and he them, however, their contact ends up with him trying to give them messages for me, so they have opted to limiting their own contact with him.

A short time ago, he began text communication with me regarding some divorce issues. He wanted me to give him specifics of what I want in a settlement. He "offered" to do things, which he is court ordered to do anyway, as though he was doing me a favor. Such a manipulator. Since a settlement had been offered by my L (and refused by him), I referred him back to that document. His texts became nasty and ended angrily. Oh well. He thought he would get me to agree to stuff and use it against me.

Recently, he began to call over some other issues. I sent the calls to voicemail, so I could process whatever he was contacting about. He would not leave a voicemail  ... .typical because he wants no proof of the conversation and an immediate reaction/results and I have learned not to give in to him.

I received a text from him instructing me never to call or text him again unless it had to do with our daughters. I never initiated any calls or texts to him.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Within a few days, he texted me about some nonsense. I forwarded him his text regarding not calling or texting. He then cries to his L that I refuse to contact him.

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« Reply #53 on: March 19, 2016, 04:09:55 PM »

In July, my BPD friend write me a letter and told me to never contact her again.  This was five weeks after she cut me out of her life and said she wanted me out of her life forever.  Less than a month after she sent the letter, she texted me and asked if she could live with me. 

In September, she told me she didn't want to be friends and blocked my number.  A few months later, she friended me on Facebook and texted me. 

She told her dad she wanted to kill him and got a new phone number and refused to give it to him.  A few months later, she texted him like nothing had happened and asked him to help her move out of her ex-boyfriend's place. 

She's told a lot of people to never contact her again, but that doesn't mean she won't be contacting those people again.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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Posts: 141


« Reply #54 on: March 19, 2016, 04:48:57 PM »

You think it's maybe their last throw of the dice at control? It's the only thing they've got left? Like you say if they want you, they'll forget they ever said it. But it's like pressing the self destruct button when you know you've lost the war, it at least makes them feel they destroyed it.

I am done I think, but ironically I think I played the game quite well, by accident. I told her that on certain terms, I'd love to hear from her again, but I wouldn't expect to. I gave her the final power. Never contacting me again is the only power she'll have.

I hope she enjoys it.

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MapleBob
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 724



« Reply #55 on: March 19, 2016, 06:26:01 PM »

I told her that on certain terms, I'd love to hear from her again, but I wouldn't expect to. I gave her the final power. Never contacting me again is the only power she'll have.

I hope she enjoys it.

That's exactly what I did, almost three months ago. Not a peep.
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JRT
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #56 on: March 20, 2016, 01:12:54 AM »

Mine texted me when I was away on a work trip... ."our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me'. Since this was ENTIRELY out of the blue, I called around to her family and friends to see what was going on (they were all shocked). She texted back threatening to call the cops if I did that again. She blocked me everywhere and I finally tired to call her from a hotel on another business trip, she had a lawyer send me a letter threatening a PPO! Ditto when I tried the same several months later and then a year after the fact (including the cops).

Sure, I would also go along with it being about control but I also have wondered if it was her provoking me to see how far I would go to salvage our relationship; are you prepared to defy the law to reach out and come and get me. I eventually had to sue her in order to get my engagement ring returned and she fought even that in a Herculean way, eventually capitulating as the case was set to go to trail and she had no other option but to appear.  It was bizarre to say the least... .its been almost a year and a half... .I very seriously doubt I will ever hear from her again.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11170


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« Reply #57 on: March 20, 2016, 02:12:02 AM »

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