Hopes and dreams

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sometimes I wonder why I’m still crying.  It’s not like the last four years were very good – they were, at best, occasionally pleasant.  But yet I keep crying.

Intellectually I know that everything she did – the habitual lying, the repeated infidelities, the dysfunctional swings between neediness and vindictiveness – were a result of her chronic inability to regulate her emotions.  Whether this is BPD or something else entirely, the truth is that these were HER issues.  Not mine.  Not caused by me.  Not issues I could “fix.”  I KNOW this.  Intellectually, I know these patterns were present in her relationships long before I met her.  She hinted at this herself in many conversations; her best friend even confirmed it for me. Her therapist told me that the pattern of unfaithfulness I described was indicative of serious, deeply rooted issues.  But even knowing these things hasn't helped; I’m still having a hard time letting it all go. 

Yet, I realized today that I’m not crying because I want to reconcile – if she showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I couldn't talk myself into taking her back.  I’m not crying because I’m afraid to be alone – the truth is that I was never lonelier than when I was with her – and, in some ways, breaking up has been a relief.  I’m not crying because I am secretly afraid that I’m not “good enough” to be loved – I know that, while I’m not perfect, I have generous heart and a lot of love to offer.

I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

[jhkbuzz]

Sometimes I wonder why I’m still crying.  It’s not like the last four years were very good – they were, at best, occasionally pleasant.  But yet I keep crying.

Intellectually I know that everything she did – the habitual lying, the repeated infidelities, the dysfunctional swings between neediness and vindictiveness – were a result of her chronic inability to regulate her emotions.  Whether this is BPD or something else entirely, the truth is that these were HER issues.  Not mine.  Not caused by me.  Not issues I could “fix.”  I KNOW this.  Intellectually, I know these patterns were present in her relationships long before I met her.  She hinted at this herself in many conversations; her best friend even confirmed it for me. Her therapist told me that the pattern of unfaithfulness I described was indicative of serious, deeply rooted issues.  But even knowing these things hasn't helped; I’m still having a hard time letting it all go. 

Yet, I realized today that I’m not crying because I want to reconcile – if she showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I couldn't talk myself into taking her back.  I’m not crying because I’m afraid to be alone – the truth is that I was never lonelier than when I was with her – and, in some ways, breaking up has been a relief.  I’m not crying because I am secretly afraid that I’m not “good enough” to be loved – I know that, while I’m not perfect, I have generous heart and a lot of love to offer.

I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

[Pou]

I met my wife for over 5 years before we got married.  There were plenty of signs that she was a NPD… but I ignore them and didn't know what PDs are.  No clue and didn't know what I was dealing with.  7 years ago… with my first child was born and two more afterwards… the path has been unbearable.  Anything you can think of … happened to me.  I hang in there, because i love my kids dearly.  I am like flying an air plane that is severely damaged… high in the air, but with three kids, I can not just jump out with a single parachute … got to try to land this plane with everyone safe on board.  So as to your situation… where are you right now?  do you have kids together?  I know that emotional investment is a lot ... but when you go into marriage and have kids together… trust me, it goes right into all another dimension.  I think you found a good place to read up and see everyones' experiences with PDs… I wish you well and I think the best thing you can do for yourself is go over others advices and stories… and see for yourself where you want to be 1 year from now.  Hopefully, this board will give you some perspective.  Good luck and know that you are not alone.

[Xidion]

I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

I am 5 weeks out of being replaced after a 20 month relationship. This right here made me start sobbing. I still am as I type this. Like you, I would never take her back, even if she was at my doorstep begging me. This phrase really hit home for me. It's exactly how I feel, but I just couldn't put my finger on it until you brought it to my attention. We were planning our future together. We got our first apartment and both signed our names on the lease. It wasn't suppose to be this way. I had so many "hopes and dreams" for our future together. I got a promotion at work that set us up financially for life. Everything I did was for "us" but everything she did was for "her". We are victims of a people with a terrible disorder. Thank you for sharing this.

[jhkbuzz]

Pou: We were actually together for 8 years; she began cheating after 4. Our stepdaughter was 15, and I couldn't bear the thought of ending the relationship (for my stepdaughter's sake). Her mother is indulgent, overly permissive, and emotionally unstable. I was scared to death of the kind of trouble a 15 year old girl could get into if left unsupervised.  So I stayed. She is now a sophomore in college.

I am so, so sorry for your situation.  I can hear the burden of the responsibility you feel towards your children... .it is almost an unbearable pain. You are in a no-win situation... .I know it well.  It's awful. I had no idea that I could be wounded so badly by someone who told me they loved me; I sometimes wonder if I will ever heal from it.  I know I will never be the same. But I can honestly tell you that I think the pain of ending the relationship when my stepdaughter was 15 would have been far, far worse. I would have constantly worried and wondered about her.  At least now, with the choices I made, I only have to worry about myself.

[jhkbuzz]

Xidion: I am so sorry... .I was replaced in a month; I know how awful it is.  I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't take it personally... .her therapist actually told me that once. But it's hard.

We broke up four months ago, and after the first two months I tried to start "naming" the reason for all of my tears.  I was confused because I knew I wouldn't take her back... .but I kept crying.  I was finally able to name it two days ago.  I typed it out and put it on my fridge.  When I looked at it tonight I decided to post it, because I thought it might help someone else.  Thank you so much for responding.  Stay strong, we will get through it.

[Hawk Ridge]

I also want to thank you for writing this.  Like both of you, I don't know that I would want to, or for that matter, COULD go back to her after all the damage done so it has been confusing for me.  It's been 8 months and I have good days and bad days but mostly I think it is as you said.  I mourn the dream.  Starting over is hard, especially with this rawness of emotion.  I have had friends say they din't understand why my grief is so long lasting.  I am grateful they never endured the emotional abuse of a borderline.  Sometimes, it is just beyond words but I do feel like I am on my way out of the morass and that is because of all of you, the amazing people who have been on the front lines and now we huddle together for validation that perhaps we really are good enough... .and we are... .that our dreams will still exist... .and they do.  In the meantime, we hold each other tight till this storm passes.  Thank you both for the validation.

[peiper]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

[jhkbuzz]

I have good days and bad days but mostly I think it is as you said.  I mourn the dream.  Starting over is hard, especially with this rawness of emotion.  I have had friends say they don't understand why my grief is so long lasting. 

I don't think that anyone can possibly understand the pain involved in a BPD relationship unless they experience it... .and that simple fact also adds to my feelings of loneliness sometimes. Even when I try to put it into words for my friends I can never quite explain the depth of the awfulness of it all.

I am grateful that I am having better days... .longer periods of forgetting the pain. But the rawness is still present, as you said. But, little by little, hour by hour, day by day, it is getting better.  I know it will continue to.

[jhkbuzz]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

I am still going through the stages of grief... .and the anger stage is a good one to be in sometimes - it provides relief from the pain.

But more and more I'm thinking that my ex is a lot like someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer - in such an incredible amount of pain that it would be impossible for them to feel much empathy, or be concerned about anyone else for any reason, for that matter. Pain makes us all self absorbed. So I don't think it's an "art" so much as an intense self-focus on relieving their pain. And how awful that, while I can (and have) escaped it, there's no escape for them (without years and years of therapy).

[Xidion]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

I am still going through the stages of grief... .and the anger stage is a good one to be in sometimes - it provides relief from the pain.

But more and more I'm thinking that my ex is a lot like someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer - in such an incredible amount of pain that it would be impossible for them to feel much empathy, or be concerned about anyone else for any reason, for that matter. Pain makes us all self absorbed. So I don't think it's an "art" so much as an intense self-focus on relieving their pain. And how awful that, while I can (and have) escaped it, there's no escape for them (without years and years of therapy).

As much as I hurt,  I know in time I will be better. To be honest,  I hurt for her more.  It isn't her fault she had a terrible childhood full of trauma (hers was very bad). I have been praying that she seek help and that God fills the void within her shattered heart.

[jhkbuzz]

Xidon: "I have been praying that she seek help and that God fills the void within her shattered heart."

This is a beautiful thought.  It is a difficult tightrope for us to walk, however: being empathetic without being enmeshed; hoping for their healing but prioritizing our own.

[Caredverymuch]

I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

I am 5 weeks out of being replaced after a 20 month relationship. This right here made me start sobbing. I still am as I type this. Like you, I would never take her back, even if she was at my doorstep begging me. This phrase really hit home for me. It's exactly how I feel, but I just couldn't put my finger on it until you brought it to my attention. We were planning our future together. We got our first apartment and both signed our names on the lease. It wasn't suppose to be this way. I had so many "hopes and dreams" for our future together. I got a promotion at work that set us up financially for life. Everything I did was for "us" but everything she did was for "her". We are victims of a people with a terrible disorder. Thank you for sharing this.

I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

Yes, hopes and dreams and loving someone with a cruel disorder do die a long, slow, painful death.  Your  tears are the very tears so many of us have cried.  I can honestly say in my long and well experienced life, I cried in ways I never, ever, knew existed as my r/s "ended"/ was abandoned by my expBPD.

Although we must take further steps in this healing journey to focus on us, please know that this is a painful and unique experience. Be gentle with yourself.

I read something recently that rang very true to my heart.  As our love for our partners progresses and deepens, their disorder progresses and deepens.

The disorder always wins.

It's very sad. 

Sending support, understanding, and 

[hope2727]

I read something recently that rang very true to my heart.  As our love for our partners progresses and deepens, their disorder progresses and deepens.

This is just so profound and so sad.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

[Xidion]

I read something recently that rang very true to my heart.  As our love for our partners progresses and deepens, their disorder progresses and deepens.

This is just so profound and so sad.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

This is absolutely true. I experienced this first hand, as many of us have. It's all about "engulfment". They so badly want love, but without it they run away, and too much of it they run away. It really is so perplexing.

[Elpis]

It took me a really long time to start seeing that I was only fooling myself that we would have the kind of life we talked about--so we grieve the loss of a relationship and that piece of our heart, all while grieving for those lost dreams. It's a tremendous loss, well worth mourning.

[expos]

Sometimes I wonder why I’m still crying.  It’s not like the last four years were very good – they were, at best, occasionally pleasant.  But yet I keep crying.

Intellectually I know that everything she did – the habitual lying, the repeated infidelities, the dysfunctional swings between neediness and vindictiveness – were a result of her chronic inability to regulate her emotions.  Whether this is BPD or something else entirely, the truth is that these were HER issues.  Not mine.  Not caused by me.  Not issues I could “fix.”  I KNOW this. 

Hey.  This is what keeps us coming back.  If you are naturally a nurturing, loving person, or even a fixer - you WANT to be in that "occasionally" pleasant phase.   You love the potential, but you need to realize that your idealized version of this person will never get to that "place" where things are harmonious.   

Let me ask you a question.  When did it start coming apart?  Was it 18 months in?  I ask this because a lot of us have the same story.  Things were perfect until... .

Realize that this is a real, painful disease.  The reason you are still engulfed in this madness is due to the crazy push and pull relationship dynamic present in all relationships with those who have BPD or a Cluster-B personality.  These great moments are a few, but they are so good, and you are addicted those highs that this person can give you.  When they are bad, they are soul-crushingly bad.  You, as a fixer, are chasing the good.

You may feel low now, but consider yourself so very lucky that you got out with your life very much in tact.  You now have the option to seek someone emotionally healthy who can give you the relationship you deserve.

[peiper]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

I am still going through the stages of grief... .and the anger stage is a good one to be in sometimes - it provides relief from the pain.

But more and more I'm thinking that my ex is a lot like someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer - in such an incredible amount of pain that it would be impossible for them to feel much empathy, or be concerned about anyone else for any reason, for that matter. Pain makes us all self absorbed. So I don't think it's an "art" so much as an intense self-focus on relieving their pain. And how awful that, while I can (and have) escaped it, there's no escape for them (without years and years of therapy).

As much as I hurt,  I know in time I will be better. To be honest,  I hurt for her more.  It isn't her fault she had a terrible childhood full of trauma (hers was very bad). I have been praying that she seek help and that God fills the void within her shattered heart.

Lots of people had bad childhoods.  Charles Manson did. Its a matter of choice how they treat and what they do to people. This idea of they were so hurt as a child and should be given a free pass is outrageous to me. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The whole" oh they were hurt as a child" stuff just sets us up when they try to recycle.  Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

[Mutt]

Lots of people had bad childhoods.  Charles Manson did. Its a matter of choice how they treat and what they do to people. This idea of they were so hurt as a child and should be given a free pass is outrageous to me. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The whole" oh they were hurt as a child" stuff just sets us up when they try to recycle.  Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future -Winston Churchill

[Xidion]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

I am still going through the stages of grief... .and the anger stage is a good one to be in sometimes - it provides relief from the pain.

But more and more I'm thinking that my ex is a lot like someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer - in such an incredible amount of pain that it would be impossible for them to feel much empathy, or be concerned about anyone else for any reason, for that matter. Pain makes us all self absorbed. So I don't think it's an "art" so much as an intense self-focus on relieving their pain. And how awful that, while I can (and have) escaped it, there's no escape for them (without years and years of therapy).

As much as I hurt,  I know in time I will be better. To be honest,  I hurt for her more.  It isn't her fault she had a terrible childhood full of trauma (hers was very bad). I have been praying that she seek help and that God fills the void within her shattered heart.

Lots of people had bad childhoods.  Charles Manson did. Its a matter of choice how they treat and what they do to people. This idea of they were so hurt as a child and should be given a free pass is outrageous to me. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The whole" oh they were hurt as a child" stuff just sets us up when they try to recycle.  Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

My ex is already posting pictures of her and my replacement together after only 5 weeks from the b/u. She won't be back.

[peiper]

Lots of people had bad childhoods.  Charles Manson did. Its a matter of choice how they treat and what they do to people. This idea of they were so hurt as a child and should be given a free pass is outrageous to me. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The whole" oh they were hurt as a child" stuff just sets us up when they try to recycle.  Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future -Winston Churchill

I agree with Whinny completely

[Jmanster]

What jhkbuzz said is absolutely true! I just realized why I was upset when I was upset... .It is that! Each night before bed I would keep thinking why I am so down, and this was the exact reason... .This is huge disappointing time in our lives and hopes and dreams can always come back, but with a different person. Thank you for your post, it helped me understand why I have been upset for months... .

[peiper]

The important thing is we need to realize that we are mourning a fantasy. It never actually existed except in our minds. These people have it down to an art on how to build up our hopes and dreams.

I am still going through the stages of grief... .and the anger stage is a good one to be in sometimes - it provides relief from the pain.

But more and more I'm thinking that my ex is a lot like someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer - in such an incredible amount of pain that it would be impossible for them to feel much empathy, or be concerned about anyone else for any reason, for that matter. Pain makes us all self absorbed. So I don't think it's an "art" so much as an intense self-focus on relieving their pain. And how awful that, while I can (and have) escaped it, there's no escape for them (without years and years of therapy).

As much as I hurt,  I know in time I will be better. To be honest,  I hurt for her more.  It isn't her fault she had a terrible childhood full of trauma (hers was very bad). I have been praying that she seek help and that God fills the void within her shattered heart.

Lots of people had bad childhoods.  Charles Manson did. Its a matter of choice how they treat and what they do to people. This idea of they were so hurt as a child and should be given a free pass is outrageous to me. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The whole" oh they were hurt as a child" stuff just sets us up when they try to recycle.  Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

My ex is already posting pictures of her and my replacement together after only 5 weeks from the b/u. She won't be back.

I'll bet you on that. I've said and thought that so many times and always proven wrong.

[downwhim]

"I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death."

You have me in tears from this post. So true and gut wrenching. A house, kids under one roof, a marriage a fantasy. Triggers are coming at me all over the house, his brothers jam, the tacos he bought in the pantry, my perfume, God this N/C is hard. I too miss the phone call at 8 am, "hey babe, you must be in the shower, call you at noon, love you." Done, gone, poof, replacement, lure, hook,

Going to the doctor tomorrow to get meds and T referral. Denial still. Dreams of a future gone... .this mental illness leaves those of us behind in turmoil still shaking our heads and wondering how this can all be true.

[Mutt]

It's OK to cry and grieve 

Yield and overcome;

Bend and be straight;

Empty and be full;

Wear out and be new;

Have little and gain;

Have much and be confused.

-Tao

--Mutt

[Splitblack4good]

I finally realized today that I’m crying because I’m mourning the death of all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  I’m crying because I've finally accepted that she’s not emotionally capable of the healthy, loving relationship I imagined we would have for the rest of our lives.  I’m crying because, even when all reasonable chances for a relationship have faded, hopes and dreams die a long, slow, painful death.

I am 5 weeks out of being replaced after a 20 month relationship. This right here made me start sobbing. I still am as I type this. Like you, I would never take her back, even if she was at my doorstep begging me. This phrase really hit home for me. It's exactly how I feel, but I just couldn't put my finger on it until you brought it to my attention. We were planning our future together. We got our first apartment and both signed our names on the lease. It wasn't suppose to be this way. I had so many "hopes and dreams" for our future together. I got a promotion at work that set us up financially for life. Everything I did was for "us" but everything she did was for "her". We are victims of a people with a terrible disorder. Thank you for sharing this.

[/quote

Agreed ! It's very accurate before me and my ex split we had planned everything wedding , holidays when we were going to plan for a baby and when I said all the things after we split she didn't say anything about it other than

Well it's all your fault you were a C**T you ruined everything . A sane person would of thought well maybe we can work on this and spend time thinking about and needs some space to do so but not boarderlines they just blame everyone else for ther mistakes and carry on playing the victim to ther next target and so it goes on !

[downwhim]

Normal people work things out. They compromise, negotiate, bend a little. Borderlines demand it is their way (which most the time doesn't make sense) and can change in a heartbeat. Normal people would say "let's work through this issue, problem etc." They are incapable of normalcy and it is just plain sad we got sucked into loving someone that could not truly be a mature adult with a healthy mind to work on problems.

[Deeno02]

Normal people work things out. They compromise, negotiate, bend a little. Borderlines demand it is their way (which most the time doesn't make sense) and can change in a heartbeat. Normal people would say "let's work through this issue, problem etc." They are incapable of normalcy and it is just plain sad we got sucked into loving someone that could not truly be a mature adult with a healthy mind to work on problems.

God knows I wasnt perfect in the r/s, but I tried and I loved her with all I had. She never saw my pain or joy, it was always about her and her issues. I just wasnt good enough for her.

[antelope]

This is absolutely true. I experienced this first hand, as many of us have. It's all about "engulfment". They so badly want love, but without it they run away, and too much of it they run away. It really is so perplexing.

that's just it: their behavior isn't really perplexing at all.  They do what they do, and they ALL do basically the same thing.  Bpds, once you figure out they're BPD and begin to take a cold, hard inventory of their behavior, are quite consistent in their dysfunctional behavior and inconsistency. 

Once you have been removed for a long time, and have invested lots of growth and work in yourself, you'll realize how easily predictable they are... .

What is perplexing is why we stayed.  The original poster mentioned in a comment that in year 4 of an 8 yr relationship, things began to really 'hit the fan'... .yet, the relationship continued for years.

I stayed in my relationship for years as well, after the bull$h^t was clearly in my face.  Why, did I, someone who I felt had the world in the palm of his hand and was a good candidate to be anyone's bf, stay with such a mess of a human being?

I encourage you to mourn the relationship and all the hopes and dreams, but don't spend too much time in this place.  It keeps you

stuck in a fantasy that will impede your progress in fully detaching. 

Maya Angelou has a great quote:

When a person shows you who they are, believe them

We were shown hundreds and thousands of times who our exes were, but we chose to not believe.  <<why we didn't is the massive puzzle piece in solving the mystery of the relationship

Spend time on you! 

[Pou]

Pou: We were actually together for 8 years; she began cheating after 4. Our stepdaughter was 15, and I couldn't bear the thought of ending the relationship (for my stepdaughter's sake). Her mother is indulgent and overly permissive; and obviously unstable. I was scared to death of the kind of trouble a 15 year old girl could get into if left unsupervised.  So I stayed. She is now a sophomore in college.

I am so, so sorry for your situation.  I can hear the burden of the responsibility you feel towards your children... .it is almost an unbearable pain. You are in a no-win situation... .I know it well.  It's awful. I had no idea that I could be wounded so badly by someone who told me they loved me; I sometimes wonder if I will ever heal from it.  I know I will never be the same. But I can honestly tell you that I think the pain of ending the relationship when my stepdaughter was 15 would have been far, far worse. I would have constantly worried and wondered about her.  At least now, with the choices I made, I only have to worry about myself.

jhkbuzz, thanks.  I think hearing your example of going through similar choice that I am making and coming out on the other end reaffirming your choice makes me feel better.  I have three and will have at least 16 years to go … and yes, I am human and yes, I was and am the same sap that got into a relationship with a PD… and yes, I must have have some affinity toward people like that.  I still fantasize that my NPDw would and could change … but every time I look at her now these days … I see a stranger.  someone who I have built a relationship for so long and yet I have no idea who she is.  I am to the point where I pick up clues of her infidelity… but don't have the desire to pursuit it… no need to say, we no longer have intimacy… it is a dreadful life and it is like living in a prison… my kids keep me smiling everyday.  strange but true, never thought I would become the person that I am today.  my situation is not normal and can not last… but until evolution happens… this is what I have.   Jhkbuzz... sounds like you are still attached to your ex… I am not in your shoes and will know it when I cross the bridge.  I just know right now that I think i would be a happier person if we are separated.  My NPDw is very controlling and she then she turn the table around and project her actions and gaslights… very very strange. 

[meghna]

This is such an amazing thread. It perfectly sums up the way I feel at the moment. And also answers the question of why NC is so hard: by maintaining contact we still cling on to that hope on some level.