Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 19, 2021, 03:45:19 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: AND... She is back after 2 years.  (Read 7086 times)
wanttoknowmore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 360


« on: December 28, 2014, 06:03:32 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !
Logged
NonAverageJoe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 125


« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2014, 06:10:02 PM »

Perhaps instead of rescuing you could try empowering her to get help.
Logged
Seriously?
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2014, 06:10:31 PM »

This blows my mind. You were not in contact at all during those two years or did you have limited contact?  I hope you can do what you believe is right,  but still protect yourself.
Logged
wanttoknowmore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 360


« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2014, 06:28:17 PM »

Trust me... .I was not in contact at all for last 16 months... .totally no contact and even started to feel  fine without her. I never thought she will reappear again.
Logged
Compassion14
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94


« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2014, 06:34:10 PM »

Are you prepared to help her and then be unceremoniously dumped once she's no longer in meltdown? Protect yourself please.

Logged
Compassion14
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94


« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2014, 06:36:04 PM »

I had the same panic, tears and pleading at my door... .Then the same abuse once his problems were sorted. So horrible to experience.
Logged
patientandclear
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2014, 06:36:45 PM »

Folks ... .The pattern is pretty clear. These reappearances occur when your name comes up on the rescuer/helper wheel and there isn't a more appealing candidate available. Not because there have been important lessons learned, reflection done, changes made.

My ex reached out in pretty compelling fashion earlier this year. Of course I wanted to think it meant something about how important I was to him.

But when I didn't immediately accept unconditionally his offer of ambiguous re-engagement, he moved immediately on to his more recent ex. Took her for a quick spin around the parking lot before re-injuring her and ditching her again.

Interchangeable relief packaged as a unique love. Very seductive. Very harmful.
Logged
Seriously?
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2014, 06:37:22 PM »

I believe you, and others have shared similar stories. It is just difficult to fathom what compels the reconnect after years have gone by. I only have contact with my husband through court documents. I am not sure how I would react seeing him in person,  especially if I felt he "needed" me. Stay strong and be well.
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2014, 06:38:44 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

When I was 15 I had a massive crush on my ex back in high school, she knew I liked her but had a long term bf at the time he was 17 at the time, on her last day of high school she asked me to come to the Welsh block with her to say good bye to her Welsh teacher, because she was going into foster care, at that point she grabbed and held my hand, that was the 1st time I had ever had her hold my hand.  8 years later she randomly starts liking pictures on my FB page, I didn't know who it was, because after 8 years you tend to forget, then from out of no where she added me on FB saying hey it's Bonnie!

She had just come out if an 8 year relationship

4 year marriage with 2 kids

3 weeks later she texting me like 60 times a day, I honestly thought it was fate, God brought us together again, and a month into our long lost last encounter we met up had sex on the 1st night and began a 2 year relationship pretty much instantly.

So there you go, it still freaks me out to this day, 8 years and she went searching for that 15 year old boy that had a crush on her in high school.
Logged
Seriously?
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2014, 06:40:32 PM »

Well, PatientandClear, you have really summed it up. Thank you.
Logged
jammo1989
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 492


« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 06:45:12 PM »

Folks ... .The pattern is pretty clear. These reappearances occur when your name comes up on the rescuer/helper wheel and there isn't a more appealing candidate available. Not because there have been important lessons learned, reflection done, changes made.

My ex reached out in pretty compelling fashion earlier this year. Of course I wanted to think it meant something about how important I was to him.

But when I didn't immediately accept unconditionally his offer of ambiguous re-engagement, he moved immediately on to his more recent ex. Took her for a quick spin around the parking lot before re-injuring her and ditching her again.

Interchangeable relief packaged as a unique love. Very seductive. Very harmful.

Would this explain why all of my exes boyfriends have been friends at some point from the distant past?  For example, I was friends with her in high school and my replacement was friends with her back in college many years ago, and to add to this there was zero contact between these 2 life events, it's as if someone has disappeared then get re engaged in her behalf.
Logged
NonAverageJoe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 125


« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2014, 06:47:09 PM »

I don't think I'll experience this. I went ham and shot down the projections etc.

So since I'm not a rescuer etc. I'm safe?
Logged
Hope0807
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2014, 06:59:44 PM »

Yeah I'd bet you're safe.  I'm pretty certain I am too.  I tossed the toy box of constantly screaming "help me, help me!" toy babies so hard on his head, it now makes sense that the replacements and war fully surfaced once I tucked away the last shiny bit of my Rescuing cape.  So done, so disgusted.

Mine actually has an endless supply of over 2 thousand followers (and growing daily) on social media who think he's a guru of sorts and worship him.  It's sick and I'm certain there will never be enough vindication for the cruelty he has inflicted on my world.  All I can do is take very good care of me, not even think about him reconnecting, and know full well I'd completely ignore him if he did.     


I don't think I'll experience this. I went ham and shot down the projections etc.

So since I'm not a rescuer etc. I'm safe?

Logged
NonAverageJoe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 125


« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2014, 07:04:50 PM »

I'm not expecting any contact but I might get a lash out when she receives the letter from my attorney. I will say nothing.
Logged
wanttoknowmore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 360


« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2014, 07:23:41 PM »

I think there are two different types of pwBPDs... .first type: One who break up and then, keep going back to previous r/s .Second type: once they discard... they never look back and always go to new one. I asked a pwBPD... .what makes you go back to an Ex... .Her answer: "Out of all... .whoever treated me and cared about me the most... .I feel like going  back with him."

But, there are the second type who... for whatever reason... never recycle an Ex. Its puzzling to me how conveniently they forget about the bad break up... .may be its too painful to them.so they just bury it deep in their mind... possibly due to extreme shame and guilt.
Logged
NonAverageJoe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 125


« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2014, 07:28:06 PM »

My sister and mother are convinced that she will be calling and attempting to "spin me a rose" eventually. I don't think so but the thought scares me. Our breakup was a nightmare, she wouldn't leave me alone at first. Rubbing the rebound in my face and contacting about miscellaneous stuff and then eventually denying she had stuff that she offered and agreed to give back.

I read your story and I'm like do I need to watch my back for that long? She stalked me a little bit at first too.

Mine did communicate with exes but mostly the orbiter stooges.
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2014, 07:32:14 PM »

Two years later... wow. There is hope.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #17 on: December 28, 2014, 07:39:10 PM »

I know mine will be back at some stage.  Especially with the way it went down between us not being too damaging or awful. I'm getting the ol' "active" silent treatment right now which means there is an attachment in place,  she's annoyed that I abandoned even though she had a boyfriend. 

I really hope she gives me long enough so I can fully heal and resist the inevitable recycle attempt.
Logged
downwhim
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 707



« Reply #18 on: December 28, 2014, 07:50:41 PM »

Ok, my ex must be a mixed BPD. He reappeared after 18 months the first time we broke up.I dated several people yet he dated no one during our break. He said he felt ashamed how he treated me, thought of me all the time. Unusual for a borderline.

Fast forward. Reconnect - We were together almost a year, got engaged, he bolted with a replacement after he had her all set up less than a year into the reuniting. Said he needed to be himself again and he never wanted to get married in the first place. Believe me there was no pressure from me. No ultimatums. His impulsivity was the reason behind the engagement... .Be careful.  I wish I would not have gotten fooled the second time. It was way too painful.
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2014, 07:54:12 PM »

I know mine will be back at some stage.  Especially with the way it went down between us not being too damaging or awful. I'm getting the ol' "active" silent treatment right now which means there is an attachment in place,  she's annoyed that I abandoned even though she had a boyfriend. 

I really hope she gives me long enough so I can fully heal and resist the inevitable recycle attempt.

mine went down bad. Because I confronted her loudly about all the lies. But she did stalk me which means I'm not totally forgotten.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
pallavirajsinghani
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married TDH-with high cheekbones that can cut butter.
Posts: 2497


« Reply #20 on: December 28, 2014, 10:10:38 PM »

Of course there are ways to help her.  Research about good BPD resources, then when she shares her problems, instead of giving her band aid solutions, direct her to those resources.

No, Thou Shalt Not Offer To Pay For Those Resources... .nor offer transportation, nor offer any place to stay, nor offer anything more.

Thou Shalt Offer the fruits of your research and only that.

Direct her to a list of clinicians who offer DBT therapy.

Then do not follow it up with her as it will take her time to digest the information.

She may or may not follow through with it.  If you ask her, you will be viewed as controlling and therefore, abusive.

If you do not ask her whether or not she has followed through, then you will be viewed as uncaring and unsympathetic.

As with adults who are children emotionally, all you can and should do is show them the way.

If you do not let them walk the walk themselves, then you are not a solution, but part of a problem.

If you want to be part of a solution, then despite your paternal/maternal instincts to the contrary, you have to understand that YOU cannot protect this "helpless injured bird".  This bird needs trained clinician(s) and clinical intervention.

The analogy with a physically injured person is apt... .it should explain to you your own limitations.  You are not a Doctor, nor a Psychiatrist, nor a Counselor... .you are a good person with good intentions.

Understand and accept your limitations.  You cannot have the hubris to cure a person while the person is having a heart attack.  You understand that you need to get this person to the hospital.  Same way, this person's mental disorder is fundamentally ingrained into her brain pathways... .it is a disease of dysphoria.

Your good Samaritan role begins and ends with directing her to trained clinicians.

The End.

It is not cruelty, nor abandonment, nor indifference... .it is simply an admission of your own limited skills.

Logged

Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #21 on: December 28, 2014, 10:29:59 PM »

Of course there are ways to help her.  Research about good BPD resources, then when she shares her problems, instead of giving her band aid solutions, direct her to those resources.

No, Thou Shalt Not Offer To Pay For Those Resources... .nor offer transportation, nor offer any place to stay, nor offer anything more.

Thou Shalt Offer the fruits of your research and only that.

Direct her to a list of clinicians who offer DBT therapy.

Then do not follow it up with her as it will take her time to digest the information.

She may or may not follow through with it.  If you ask her, you will be viewed as controlling and therefore, abusive.

If you do not ask her whether or not she has followed through, then you will be viewed as uncaring and unsympathetic.

As with adults who are children emotionally, all you can and should do is show them the way.

If you do not let them walk the walk themselves, then you are not a solution, but part of a problem.

If you want to be part of a solution, then despite your paternal/maternal instincts to the contrary, you have to understand that YOU cannot protect this "helpless injured bird".  This bird needs trained clinician(s) and clinical intervention.

The analogy with a physically injured person is apt... .it should explain to you your own limitations.  You are not a Doctor, nor a Psychiatrist, nor a Counselor... .you are a good person with good intentions.

Understand and accept your limitations.  You cannot have the hubris to cure a person while the person is having a heart attack.  You understand that you need to get this person to the hospital.  Same way, this person's mental disorder is fundamentally ingrained into her brain pathways... .it is a disease of dysphoria.

Your good Samaritan role begins and ends with directing her to trained clinicians.

The End.

It is not cruelty, nor abandonment, nor indifference... .it is simply an admission of your own limited skills.

Right on the Money... .Awesome... .Thank you!
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Joshuaua

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 43


« Reply #22 on: December 28, 2014, 11:20:56 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

i don't know the girl so I won't say for certain but she's likely using you til she's back on her feet and by then you'll be roped in again.  You'll get quickly reminded how ___ty she is when she splits you and you realize they can't be greatful for what you do for them. Mine had come back when I mentioned I could get her a job. She slept with me for a week then she became dilusional thinking I was lying about getting her a job and flipped and left back to her new bf. Silence for the last week since that happened. Woo
Logged
ShakinMyHead
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single & dating
Posts: 72



« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2014, 12:46:28 AM »

           

               "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a night, teach a man to fish, and you've fed him for a lifetime."



Given what we know about our BPDex's mental state, and how truly sick they are, it's one thing for us to offer kindness & information, it's another to partake in a sexual exchange. Then we are enabling, despite what we have learned. They don't come to us on a recycle from strength. They come always in need of something. Right there we know they are in their disease. I don't envy you. I don't know what I'd do if mine came back crying for help. But, somehow, with all I know now, it feels like i'd be taking advantage of a mentally ill person. Stay close to the boards...   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) SMH
Logged
Trog
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 698


« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2014, 01:50:29 AM »

I believe you, and others have shared similar stories. It is just difficult to fathom what compels the reconnect after years have gone by. I only have contact with my husband through court documents. I am not sure how I would react seeing him in person,  especially if I felt he "needed" me. Stay strong and be well.

No no no no no no no no NO. Don't do it. My ex reached out to every one of her exes, even those she would spit about and claim were brain damaged the moment things went wrong. She would approach them all via email claiming they were special and trying to reconnect, one after the other, within minutes and when the drama passed and she no longer felt that way she would go back to being abusive. We want to believe we are special, and we are, just not to them. Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #25 on: December 29, 2014, 08:56:47 AM »

Almost 4 and a 1/2 months and not a peep or a sighting. Except for my Instagram screw up, I dont know what shes doing or anything. Which is pretty impressive since I live only 4 blocks or so from her. I believe the replacement is doing his job and for that Im thankful and while they are in their whirlwind honeymoon phase, Im trying to keep my sanity and put as much distance as I can, and god has it been hard.
Logged
FlyingAway
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 54


« Reply #26 on: December 29, 2014, 12:26:30 PM »

Excerpt
Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.

Trog, Is there any way to provide a link to this post? I would like to read this, and can't find Section 6! Thank you.
Logged
wanttoknowmore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 360


« Reply #27 on: December 29, 2014, 06:15:35 PM »

Quote from: Joshuaua link=[/quote

i don't know the girl so I won't say for certain but she's likely using you til she's back on her feet and by then you'll be roped in again.  You'll get quickly reminded how ___ty she is when she splits you and you realize they can't be greatful for what you do for them. Mine had come back when I mentioned I could get her a job. She slept with me for a week then she became dilusional thinking I was lying about getting her a job and flipped and left back to her new bf. Silence for the last week since that happened. Woo

Yes... .I know that she is impulsive, unpredictable and sick. I know what she might do when she flips and paint me black. She is begging for me to guide her but she is not ready yet to accept her illness. I am slowly and in caring ,non- judgemental way trying to instil some insight and understanding of her behavior causing problems. If I tell her that she needs a mental health professional... I know... knowing her... she will flee and run in the arms of an abusive, alcoholic man . Well... I have a principle in life... and that is... once I call someone my friend... I do not run away... I try hard to show them the way ... isn't that duty of a friend? Many Mental health professionals suffer from this narcissistic idea that only they can fix it... .whereas a lot of them ... themselves are highly incompetent and  un-empathetic. And, these days many of them suffer from pathological greed and want a lot of money for each session. Some Mental health professionals are very good and know their s*hit... but most are in great hurry to make money and are plain incompetent and unskilled. They have to pay their student loans by the way.
Logged
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #28 on: December 29, 2014, 06:37:07 PM »

Well... I have a principle in life... and that is... once I call someone my friend... I do not run away... I try hard to show them the way ... isn't that duty of a friend?

And this is exactly why she's back. She will use that against you.
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
NonAverageJoe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 125


« Reply #29 on: December 29, 2014, 06:46:36 PM »

I was posting in this thread just yesterday about never getting my stuff back etc.

I almost walked into a recycle or a triangle etc.

I went through her phone as we laid in bed and discovered the truth. What I did was inappropriate but the reality of it saved me from more pain, shame etc.

Point her in a good direction, tell her that forgiving herself is tantamount to finding forgiveness from others and that she must only seek unattached guides as teachers for this journey.

You love her, you can't fix her.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!