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Author Topic: AND... She is back after 2 years.  (Read 7079 times)
ScotisGone74
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« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2014, 04:36:36 AM »

Panda is right, any good-hearted intentions or acts of good will , will unfortunately be used against you, because Bpds have no heart, at least one that functions with any human decency anyway.   Maybe you will be best served by visiting on the Staying boards.    Best of luck.
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parisian
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« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2014, 06:39:07 AM »

Excerpt
Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.

Trog, Is there any way to provide a link to this post? I would like to read this, and can't find Section 6! Thank you.

Yes Trog, I'm interested in this post too, but can't find it.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2014, 06:56:05 AM »

Excerpt
Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.

Trog, Is there any way to provide a link to this post? I would like to read this, and can't find Section 6! Thank you.

Yes Trog, I'm interested in this post too, but can't find it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238810.0

Seriously worth reading.
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #33 on: December 30, 2014, 07:09:22 AM »

Excerpt
Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.

Trog, Is there any way to provide a link to this post? I would like to read this, and can't find Section 6! Thank you.

Yes Trog, I'm interested in this post too, but can't find it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238810.0

Seriously worth reading.

If you do read, dont flame.  Just a heads up, someone gaiing self awareness and being open with issues they are facing is to be applauded. 


AJJ. 
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Infared
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« Reply #34 on: December 30, 2014, 07:17:05 AM »

"I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you."

Did you notice how she lies and takes no responsibility for the way she treated you?

Do you love you?

Why would you want to continue any relationship with a self-centered person who just uses and abuses whoever is in her path... .always the needy victim.   

Save yourself. RUN!
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2014, 07:51:32 AM »

Excerpt
Go to section 6 and read about the honest words from a sufferer of BPD who joined the forums. Look after you.

Trog, Is there any way to provide a link to this post? I would like to read this, and can't find Section 6! Thank you.

Yes Trog, I'm interested in this post too, but can't find it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238810.0

Seriously worth reading.

If you do read, dont flame.  Just a heads up, someone gaiing self awareness and being open with issues they are facing is to be applauded. 


AJJ. 

Kudos to her.
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jo19854
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« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2014, 09:59:18 AM »

I really don't know what to say about this.

I didn't hear from my wife since the day she left, like i never existed.

Still, I miss her everyday, She never told me why she left. She never ever responded to any email.

Now i read you story. I am dreaming of her return. I will talk alot with her whenever she would like to return.

Talk... .talk... .talk. I suggest you do the same now you have a chance.

Love can be unconditional, that makes us vulnerable, but good human beings also.

Jos
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One day at a time
hurting300
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« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2014, 11:42:13 AM »

"I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you."

Did you notice how she lies and takes no responsibility for the way she treated you?

Do you love you?

Why would you want to continue any relationship with a self-centered person who just uses and abuses whoever is in her path... .always the needy victim.   

Save yourself. RUN!

amen to that .
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
nowwhatz
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« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2014, 11:51:01 AM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.
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hurting300
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« Reply #39 on: December 30, 2014, 03:28:20 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
jhkbuzz
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« Reply #40 on: December 30, 2014, 03:57:38 PM »

I think there are two different types of pwBPDs... .first type: One who break up and then, keep going back to previous r/s .Second type: once they discard... they never look back and always go to new one. I asked a pwBPD... .what makes you go back to an Ex... .Her answer: "Out of all... .whoever treated me and cared about me the most... .I feel like going  back with him."

But, there are the second type who... for whatever reason... never recycle an Ex. Its puzzling to me how conveniently they forget about the bad break up... .may be its too painful to them.so they just bury it deep in their mind... possibly due to extreme shame and guilt.

I think my exBPDgf is the second type... .and what you said is true, I think - the shame over the pain they cause to the people they love is so intense that they choose to bury it. The last time I saw my ex she couldn't even look me in the eye.  In my opinion, that kind of coping strategy makes people increasingly unstable over time... .and maybe it's why pwBPD's sometimes become more "hermit like" as they get older... .who knows... .

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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #41 on: December 30, 2014, 05:01:28 PM »

Well... I have a principle in life... and that is... once I call someone my friend... I do not run away... I try hard to show them the way ... isn't that duty of a friend?



Of course my dear, that's exactly what you should do:   is show her the way.



Many Mental health professionals suffer from this narcissistic idea that only they can fix it... .whereas a lot of them ... themselves are highly incompetent and  un-empathetic. And, these days many of them suffer from pathological greed and want a lot of money for each session. Some Mental health professionals are very good and know their s*hit... but most are in great hurry to make money and are plain incompetent and unskilled. They have to pay their student loans by the way.



Yes, many... .but not all.

Greed is reflected in many ways.  Some are greedy for money to pay their student loans off, some are incompetent and unskilled

and then there are good people like you who may be greedy for love and adoration from a drowning sad person who is in need of a rescue. 

Greed manifests itself in many ways.  We always want to carve out for ourselves a larger area of influence.  It feeds our sense of self.  Be careful, please do not let get yourself injured morally by your own hand.

For one of you are holding the knife and the other one is the energy behind the knife... .either one of you or both are on the path to be hurt.

Many mental health professionals may be bad... .can you say categorically that you can do better?
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #42 on: December 30, 2014, 07:20:39 PM »

No... .I can not do better... I am sure.   I think I went overboard criticizing Mental health professionals... .I really meant some of them.  Its really hard to be not be greedy for love as it probably fulfills a deep need to be loved and admired. Also, the feeling that your effort did help someone somewhat. I think that's why a lot of people share ,guide and advise other members on these boards. We can call this greed for the need to be useful and helpful. In that sense, all people in helping professions, police, fire fighters, teachers ... probably all suffer from this greed to give and receive love and adoration ... .by helping others. Helping others or trying to help someone is not a sin in my Bible. Only question is how to help correctly... .and that may include "showing her the way" as you indicated.
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myself
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« Reply #43 on: December 30, 2014, 07:28:09 PM »

^^^ Are you then, deep down, helping her more for her or for yourself?

Showing her the way is fine, knowing she takes those steps herself. Or not.

Maybe, deep down, you're still hoping that she will show you the way?
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #44 on: December 30, 2014, 07:49:00 PM »

I don't understand your poetic way of asking this. I guess you are asking helping her for myself or for her?  At this point ... i think I just want her to get better and live her life happily without  having any contact with me in the future. I don't need anything from her. She contacted me after 2 years and I could not NOT answer... .for whatever reason.
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hurting300
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« Reply #45 on: December 30, 2014, 07:52:04 PM »

I don't understand your poetic way of asking this. I guess you are asking helping her for myself or for her?  At this point ... i think I just want her to get better and live her life happily without  having any contact with me in the future. I don't need anything from her. She contacted me after 2 years and I could not NOT answer... .for whatever reason.

I feel you.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Infared
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« Reply #46 on: December 30, 2014, 09:29:26 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.

I got the drive-byes, too... .That is THE most self-centered nonsense I have ever had to endure.  No intention of taking any responsibility for harms and abuse and abandonment of our relationship... .just selfishly wallowing in HER emotional needs after abandoning me.   Nothing more... .I talked to her once and she was smug and abusive.  If she cared about my feelings... she would not be driving by my house... .If she cared about the new guy she was sleeping with every night she would not be driving by my house... total wallowing self-indulgence and control.  She was probably putting it out there to others, no doubt.  Nothing approaching any kind of "healthy" love there.  That is what I experienced.  

I would love to tell you that there was something there for me to work with and still have a shred of self-esteem... .but there just wasn't.
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hurting300
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« Reply #47 on: December 30, 2014, 09:55:46 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.

I got the drive-byes, too... .That is THE most self-centered nonsense I have ever had to endure.  No intention of taking any responsibility for harms and abuse and abandonment of our relationship... .just selfishly wallowing in HER emotional needs after abandoning me.   Nothing more... .I talked to her once and she was smug and abusive.  If she cared about my feelings... she would not be driving by my house... .If she cared about the new guy she was sleeping with every night she would not be driving by my house... total wallowing self-indulgence and control.  She was probably putting it out there to others, no doubt.  Nothing approaching any kind of "healthy" love there.  That is what I experienced.  

I would love to tell you that there was something there for me to work with and still have a shred of self-esteem... .but there just wasn't.

why would they do the drive by thing? They left us
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Deeno02
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« Reply #48 on: December 30, 2014, 10:33:20 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.

I got the drive-byes, too... .That is THE most self-centered nonsense I have ever had to endure.  No intention of taking any responsibility for harms and abuse and abandonment of our relationship... .just selfishly wallowing in HER emotional needs after abandoning me.   Nothing more... .I talked to her once and she was smug and abusive.  If she cared about my feelings... she would not be driving by my house... .If she cared about the new guy she was sleeping with every night she would not be driving by my house... total wallowing self-indulgence and control.  She was probably putting it out there to others, no doubt.  Nothing approaching any kind of "healthy" love there.  That is what I experienced.  

I would love to tell you that there was something there for me to work with and still have a shred of self-esteem... .but there just wasn't.

why would they do the drive by thing? They left us

Dont know. Mine walks her dog past my house. Neighbors told me that pearl. Whole big ass subdivision, and gotta walk past my place. Sheesh.
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Infared
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« Reply #49 on: December 30, 2014, 10:40:07 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.

I got the drive-byes, too... .That is THE most self-centered nonsense I have ever had to endure.  No intention of taking any responsibility for harms and abuse and abandonment of our relationship... .just selfishly wallowing in HER emotional needs after abandoning me.   Nothing more... .I talked to her once and she was smug and abusive.  If she cared about my feelings... she would not be driving by my house... .If she cared about the new guy she was sleeping with every night she would not be driving by my house... total wallowing self-indulgence and control.  She was probably putting it out there to others, no doubt.  Nothing approaching any kind of "healthy" love there.  That is what I experienced.  

I would love to tell you that there was something there for me to work with and still have a shred of self-esteem... .but there just wasn't.

why would they do the drive by thing? They left us

Can you say "sick and unhealthy person" ?
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peiper
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« Reply #50 on: December 30, 2014, 11:27:53 PM »

WOW... .can't believe it ... she called after 2 years ... crying like hell... she is losing her job on Dec30... wants my help and support... pleading that I see her atleast once... I met her at coffee place... she looked so sad, dilapidated and worn out ... dark spots under her eyes... tears flowing continuously... .begging to support  because... "you always helped me and I could deal with problems ... .you gave me strength and wisdom ... please don't drop me"  Unbelievable... .she appeared like she has aged 10 years in last 2 years.  I could not control my rescuing tendencies and said "I will try... please tell me how things are with you?" ME... .stupid... rescuer !  What I am getting into? I admit that during break up 2 years ago... she gave silent treatment... raged and threatened R/S but did not carry out any threats.  I narrated to her what she did to me in clear  manner... .she listened to me thoughtfully and said... "I was trying to protect you from my craziness... .I will never harm you... Please teach me how to deal with those crazy moments."  And ... Me .the same stupid rescuer... .started consoling her and telling her how to face and live with loss of job"  I had mixed emotions about this... but... the desire to help her was very strong... I will deal with the consequences... .Planning to have a very limited r/s  and take one day at a time.

Yes... .folks... they do come back... even after many years... be ready !

I am really sorry to hear this is happening. I am the same except I let her back in completely about 1 yr ago and now I am facing serious consequences. They will always come back.

it's been nine months for me, I don't think I'll never see her or my baby again. All I've gotten is some drive by's.

I got the drive-byes, too... .That is THE most self-centered nonsense I have ever had to endure.  No intention of taking any responsibility for harms and abuse and abandonment of our relationship... .just selfishly wallowing in HER emotional needs after abandoning me.   Nothing more... .I talked to her once and she was smug and abusive.  If she cared about my feelings... she would not be driving by my house... .If she cared about the new guy she was sleeping with every night she would not be driving by my house... total wallowing self-indulgence and control.  She was probably putting it out there to others, no doubt.  Nothing approaching any kind of "healthy" love there.  That is what I experienced.  

I would love to tell you that there was something there for me to work with and still have a shred of self-esteem... .but there just wasn't.

why would they do the drive by thing? They left us

Dont know. Mine walks her dog past my house. Neighbors told me that pearl. Whole big ass subdivision, and gotta walk past my place. Sheesh.

Little kids love playing hide and seek. What better way to engage you to seek her then walking by your house. It's a game . But to them it's part of survival.
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #51 on: December 31, 2014, 02:05:05 PM »

you bring up somethings worth looking at, Want2knowmore.  sometimes it might seem like there is a control issue on these forums.  sometimes i do ponder the motives for coming here, getting involved in others' issues, "helping", etc.  reading and/or posting on forums can be an expression of The White Knight Syndrome, where we may be substituting the boards for our xpwBPD; or of being co-dependent; or of being a Rescuer or Fixer, et al.

personally, i set my BPDx free to be whoever and whatever she is.  i set you free in the same way.   i strive to set everybody free to be whoever and whatever they are.  for what choice do i have, really?  it's none of my business!  plus, i can only control myself.  frankly, i often have a hard time doing that simple task.   

i would gently posit that maybe it is you that is "not yet ready to accept her illness".  read abt Waif Borderlines much?  they present as damsel in distress but when you throw them a lifesaver, they either refuse to grab on (!) or they jump back into the water as soon as you turn your back, and need to be rescued over and over and over.  you can lose your mind living this scenario out repeatedly.  ask me how i know.

your "duty", imo, is to yourself.  to protect yourself.  i do not mean that in a narcissistic, selfish way, but to do what is best for yourself.  and if you are not doing that, to dig around inside yourself to discover why.  why is it so rewarding to throw good money after bad?  to spend time and energy on someone such as your xpwBPD.  to place someone else's needs above your own is ultimately a suicide mission.  you can "show her the way" by giving resources such as BPD boards FOR BPD'ers, for example.  then, what she does with info is truly none of your business.  if you make it your business, then you are still living some kind of fantasy.

personally, i found my BPDx to be a unbelievably fantastic goldmine of a smokescreen distraction from facing my own issues.  YMMV.

just my 2 cents  Smiling (click to insert in post)

icu2

I know that she is impulsive, unpredictable and sick. I know what she might do when she flips and paint me black. She is begging for me to guide her but she is not ready yet to accept her illness. I am slowly and in caring ,non- judgemental way trying to instil some insight and understanding of her behavior causing problems. If I tell her that she needs a mental health professional... I know... knowing her... she will flee and run in the arms of an abusive, alcoholic man . Well... I have a principle in life... and that is... once I call someone my friend... I do not run away... I try hard to show them the way ... isn't that duty of a friend?

No... .I can not do better... I am sure.   I think I went overboard criticizing Mental health professionals... .I really meant some of them.  Its really hard to be not be greedy for love as it probably fulfills a deep need to be loved and admired. Also, the feeling that your effort did help someone somewhat. I think that's why a lot of people share ,guide and advise other members on these boards. We can call this greed for the need to be useful and helpful. In that sense, all people in helping professions, police, fire fighters, teachers ... probably all suffer from this greed to give and receive love and adoration ... .by helping others. Helping others or trying to help someone is not a sin in my Bible.

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Deeno02
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« Reply #52 on: December 31, 2014, 02:22:48 PM »

you bring up somethings worth looking at, Want2knowmore.  sometimes it might seem like there is a control issue on these forums.  sometimes i do ponder the motives for coming here, getting involved in others' issues, "helping", etc.  reading and/or posting on forums can be an expression of The White Knight Syndrome, where we may be substituting the boards for our xpwBPD; or of being co-dependent; or of being a Rescuer or Fixer, et al.

personally, i set my BPDx free to be whoever and whatever she is.  i set you free in the same way.   i strive to set everybody free to be whoever and whatever they are.  for what choice do i have, really?  it's none of my business!  plus, i can only control myself.  frankly, i often have a hard time doing that simple task.   

i would gently posit that maybe it is you that is "not yet ready to accept her illness".  read abt Waif Borderlines much?  they present as damsel in distress but when you throw them a lifesaver, they either refuse to grab on (!) or they jump back into the water as soon as you turn your back, and need to be rescued over and over and over.  you can lose your mind living this scenario out repeatedly.  ask me how i know.

your "duty", imo, is to yourself.  to protect yourself.  i do not mean that in a narcissistic, selfish way, but to do what is best for yourself.  and if you are not doing that, to dig around inside yourself to discover why.  why is it so rewarding to throw good money after bad?  to spend time and energy on someone such as your xpwBPD.  to place someone else's needs above your own is ultimately a suicide mission.  you can "show her the way" by giving resources such as BPD boards FOR BPD'ers, for example.  then, what she does with info is truly none of your business.  if you make it your business, then you are still living some kind of fantasy.

personally, i found my BPDx to be a unbelievably fantastic goldmine of a smokescreen distraction from facing my own issues.  YMMV.

just my 2 cents  Smiling (click to insert in post)

icu2

I know that she is impulsive, unpredictable and sick. I know what she might do when she flips and paint me black. She is begging for me to guide her but she is not ready yet to accept her illness. I am slowly and in caring ,non- judgemental way trying to instil some insight and understanding of her behavior causing problems. If I tell her that she needs a mental health professional... I know... knowing her... she will flee and run in the arms of an abusive, alcoholic man . Well... I have a principle in life... and that is... once I call someone my friend... I do not run away... I try hard to show them the way ... isn't that duty of a friend?

No... .I can not do better... I am sure.   I think I went overboard criticizing Mental health professionals... .I really meant some of them.  Its really hard to be not be greedy for love as it probably fulfills a deep need to be loved and admired. Also, the feeling that your effort did help someone somewhat. I think that's why a lot of people share ,guide and advise other members on these boards. We can call this greed for the need to be useful and helpful. In that sense, all people in helping professions, police, fire fighters, teachers ... probably all suffer from this greed to give and receive love and adoration ... .by helping others. Helping others or trying to help someone is not a sin in my Bible.


Brutal. But a damn good point.
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pallavirajsinghani
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Relationship status: Married TDH-with high cheekbones that can cut butter.
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« Reply #53 on: January 01, 2015, 10:46:01 PM »

Here is a slightly different perspective:

One definition (this is a clinical definition, not a popular one) of mental illness is,  "absence of altruism".

Therefore, this impulse to help another person is one of the aspects of normalcy... .normalcy being defined as one's ability to master one's animal basic instincts... .to be a part of the "human" tribe.

Given this, your impulse to help is noble.

Now, the issue is how to make sure that this impulse has the maximum positive impact:

Examples of altruism can be Mother Teresa, people who risk their lives to save others, parents making enormous sacrifices for their children, doctors who work in rural areas out of desire to help the poor communities, grandmother who volunteers to rock HIV suffering children in the hospital... .

And then here is another example of altruism:

www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf

Altruism can be misused.  Please do not let the best in you be misused.

Volunteer... .for a good cause... .donate your time and energy... .be a mentor, a big brother, work for habitat for humanity, rescue at risk animals... .foster an injured puppy... .

There are millions of ways to reflect your altruism where it will be of maximum help without any harm to you.

Do not let go of your desire to help... .just give it a purpose and a direction and a methodology where your desire leaves a good impression of you on this earth.

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Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
jhkbuzz
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« Reply #54 on: January 02, 2015, 08:45:13 AM »

           

Given what we know about our BPDex's mental state... .it's one thing for us to offer kindness & information, it's another to partake in a sexual exchange... .it feels like I'd be taking advantage... ."

I've been thinking a lot about my boundaries these days... .and I've been thinking about this very thing.

I don't really think myexBPDgf will attempt to recycle, but there's always the possibility - and I've read enough on these boards to know that people who were just as "certain" as I that there wouldn't be a recycle attempt were shocked when it actually happened.  So I think about how to handle it if it does come.

In the original post, wanttoknowmore's description of his gf is a classic description of someone in the "vulnerable child" mode.  In schema therapy, the vulnerable child mode is a state in which a person feels "lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic.

In other words, in this mode, pwBPD are responding to life at the (emotional) developmental level of a frightened 5 year old. If my exBPDgf attempted to recycle with me in that mode, I'd have to respond more as a parent, if that makes sense.  In many ways, whenever my ex was in vulnerable child mode that's exactly what I was in the relationship anyway - I just I didn't understand the dynamic when I was in it. Obviously this is no way to conduct a healthy, adult relationship... .but that's water under the bridge at this point.

So now that I have this understanding, in any communication during a recycle attempt: a) my boundaries would have to be crystal clear and my emotions in check, and b) nothing sexual could occur... .that would just be weird now that I understand the disorder.
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Infared
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« Reply #55 on: January 02, 2015, 09:47:47 AM »

           

Given what we know about our BPDex's mental state... .it's one thing for us to offer kindness & information, it's another to partake in a sexual exchange... .it feels like I'd be taking advantage... ."

I've been thinking a lot about my boundaries these days... .and I've been thinking about this very thing.

I don't really think myexBPDgf will attempt to recycle, but there's always the possibility - and I've read enough on these boards to know that people who were just as "certain" as I that there wouldn't be a recycle attempt were shocked when it actually happened.  So I think about how to handle it if it does come.

In the original post, wanttoknowmore's description of his gf is a classic description of someone in the "vulnerable child" mode.  In schema therapy, the vulnerable child mode is a state in which a person feels "lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic.

In other words, in this mode, pwBPD are responding to life at the (emotional) developmental level of a frightened 5 year old. If my exBPDgf attempted to recycle with me in that mode, I'd have to respond more as a parent, if that makes sense.  In many ways, whenever my ex was in vulnerable child mode that's exactly what I was in the relationship anyway - I just I didn't understand the dynamic when I was in it. Obviously this is no way to conduct a healthy, adult relationship... .but that's water under the bridge at this point.

So now that I have this understanding, in any communication during a recycle attempt: a) my boundaries would have to be crystal clear and my emotions in check, and b) nothing sexual could occur... .that would just be weird now that I understand the disorder.

Mine, years later will still randomly, only when alone (not with new supply), will try to do the whole "accidental" run-in thing in the supermarket or wherever.  I always just put my head down and keep moving... .I don't know if she is just trying to set the hook and abuse me, recycle or chat about the weather.  ... but by me not engaging she gets to play the victim, which is her FAVORITE role... .so my actions actually make her quite happy.  See... .I do still love her. LOL!

If she is with him, she acts out in some way to please him and denigrate me.

There is not a chance in Hell that I would have a conversation with her ever again after the way I have been treated. She may be mentally ill... .

But it's not my circus and they're not my monkeys! :-)
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #56 on: January 02, 2015, 06:07:45 PM »

Firstly... .an update: Me and pwBPD made an agreement and she agreed that she will talk about what happened during break up and the way she behaved. She requested me to be slow and kind as it make her very frightened.  I agreed. The only thing we would do when we meet is to talk about what happened and why did it happen.

I pointed out her rage, silent treatment, irrationality and absurdity but quickly added that I can not blame her as I do understand that it was not intentional . It just did happen and was very dangerous. I recall the moments when she was dissociating. I told her about dissociation. He appeared sad and helpless and kept totally quiet.

I asked "do you at least take 50% responsibility of what happened before and after break up ? To my surprise ,she said... "Yes... I  do." I thanked her for being courageous to admit it.

I think they do not have control once they get dysregulated... .I know many of you will not agree to this assertion BUT that's what I have concluded.

I asked if did miss me... .she said ... yes, many times... she would go to fruit juice bar sometimes alone ... where we used to drink fruit smoothies together.

Once regulated, they gain control of their feelings and behavior but that can change again any time.
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jhkbuzz
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1639



« Reply #57 on: January 02, 2015, 06:57:49 PM »

Firstly... .an update: Me and pwBPD made an agreement and she agreed that she will talk about what happened during break up and the way she behaved. She requested me to be slow and kind as it make her very frightened.  I agreed. The only thing we would do when we meet is to talk about what happened and why did it happen.

I pointed out her rage, silent treatment, irrationality and absurdity but quickly added that I can not blame her as I do understand that it was not intentional . It just did happen and was very dangerous. I recall the moments when she was dissociating. I told her about dissociation. He appeared sad and helpless and kept totally quiet.

I asked "do you at least take 50% responsibility of what happened before and after break up ? To my surprise ,she said... "Yes... I  do." I thanked her for being courageous to admit it.

I think they do not have control once they get dysregulated... .I know many of you will not agree to this assertion BUT that's what I have concluded.

I asked if did miss me... .she said ... yes, many times... she would go to fruit juice bar sometimes alone ... where we used to drink fruit smoothies together.

Once regulated, they gain control of their feelings and behavior but that can change again any time.

You may want to read the following post; it includes a really clear explanation of dysregulation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239891.msg12551944#msg12551944
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bpd3103

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« Reply #58 on: January 02, 2015, 09:30:23 PM »

Here is a slightly different perspective:

One definition (this is a clinical definition, not a popular one) of mental illness is,  "absence of altruism".

Therefore, this impulse to help another person is one of the aspects of normalcy... .normalcy being defined as one's ability to master one's animal basic instincts... .to be a part of the "human" tribe.

Given this, your impulse to help is noble.

Now, the issue is how to make sure that this impulse has the maximum positive impact:

Examples of altruism can be Mother Teresa, people who risk their lives to save others, parents making enormous sacrifices for their children, doctors who work in rural areas out of desire to help the poor communities, grandmother who volunteers to rock HIV suffering children in the hospital... .

And then here is another example of altruism:

www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf

Altruism can be misused.  Please do not let the best in you be misused.

Volunteer... .for a good cause... .donate your time and energy... .be a mentor, a big brother, work for habitat for humanity, rescue at risk animals... .foster an injured puppy... .

There are millions of ways to reflect your altruism where it will be of maximum help without any harm to you.

Do not let go of your desire to help... .just give it a purpose and a direction and a methodology where your desire leaves a good impression of you on this earth.

Mine once asked me if I would help a homeless person in a particular scenario. Naturally, being mentally healthy I said yes. She said that she wouldn't. I found this troubling, but as we all do, I didn't think about it too much and just jokingly called her mean, she said, you always say I'm mean.      They seriously lack altruism.
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #59 on: January 08, 2015, 07:29:38 PM »

UPDATE:  After she came back after 2 years of NC... .She wanted me to come to a park for a walk where we used to go for walk in morning. We talked how things were with her and me

She was happy and started telling about her problems. I listened and then, I described to her what happened at the end of our R/S and she was queit/thoughtful. When asked if she is wiling to take at least 50% responsibility of this ugly break up. To my surprize she said "Yes... I do."  I told her that if she wants to talk and meet with me now onwards, the only subject

I want to talk about is what happened between us and why did it happen? She was silent as I indicated that unless we process last episode... same thing might happen again and I don't want to go thru that pain again.  SINCE THAT DAY... .THERE IS NO CALL... NO TEXT... .EVERYTHING HAS BECOME SILENT AND I FEEL FINE. Its been total silence for last 5 days.
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