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Author Topic: When im done im done  (Read 649 times)
jammo1989
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« on: January 04, 2015, 03:48:59 PM »



Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?
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hurting300
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« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2015, 03:56:51 PM »

Hey buddy. If I had a dollar for every time I told my ex (actions speak louder than words) I'd be rich. Yes my ex said she never went back to exes but guess what? She came back to me. And her other ex. Then stalked the others, she admitted that.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2015, 03:59:31 PM »

Yes my ex told me that when she decides a relationship is over then its over and she never goes back.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2015, 04:05:34 PM »

Hey buddy. If I had a dollar for every time I told my ex (actions speak louder than words) I'd be rich. Yes my ex said she never went back to exes but guess what? She came back to me. And her other ex. Then stalked the others, she admitted that.

Hey buddy. If I had a dollar for every time I told my ex (actions speak louder than words) I'd be rich. Yes my ex said she never went back to exes but guess what? She came back to me. And her other ex. Then stalked the others, she admitted that.

Thanks for the reply bro, yeah my ex always said when im done in done, but she went back to her ex husband on 2 occasions, this was before my relationship with her.  She also said * If i was going to have a bit of fun it wouldnt be with you or any other ex* yet 2 weeks after dumping me she was telling me in person that she really wanted to ___ me but couldnt because she was on her period. She also said to me * If i didnt have kids with my husband then he wouldnt be in my life anymore* even though she still talks to him a lot whether its to do with the kids or not.  So yeah, maybe your right when im done im done translates into im done untill i need you again.
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hurting300
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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2015, 04:18:21 PM »

I've had exes that weren't disordered wanna come back to me. This girl is a professional sociopathic victim.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2015, 04:33:50 PM »

A little bit different vernacular but still it's all the same. "When I'm done with a guy, I have no more use for him".

And now that I think about it. When we talked about fidelity and cheating 4-5 times over the course of the relationship. Her reply was always the same. "I hate cheaters. I've been cheated on before and I know how it feels. I've never cheated and never will. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

But one time at the end of that same old tired statement she said, "If I have to cheat on you, I don't need you". I didn't really think twice about it at the time. But looking back, big time     
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jammo1989
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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2015, 04:37:30 PM »

A little bit different vernacular but still it's all the same. "When I'm done with a guy, I have no more use for him".

And now that I think about it. When we talked about fidelity and cheating 4-5 times over the course of the relationship. Her reply was always the same. "I hate cheaters. I've been cheated on before and I know how it feels. I've never cheated and never will. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

But one time at the end of that same old tired statement she said, "If I have to cheat on you, I don't need you". I didn't really think twice about it at the time. But looking back, big time     

Do you think the term when im done im done is a in the moment emotion, or do you think that term is used and actually stood by?
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« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2015, 04:44:00 PM »

A little bit different vernacular but still it's all the same. "When I'm done with a guy, I have no more use for him".

And now that I think about it. When we talked about fidelity and cheating 4-5 times over the course of the relationship. Her reply was always the same. "I hate cheaters. I've been cheated on before and I know how it feels. I've never cheated and never will. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

But one time at the end of that same old tired statement she said, "If I have to cheat on you, I don't need you". I didn't really think twice about it at the time. But looking back, big time     

Do you think the term when im done im done is a in the moment emotion, or do you think that term is used and actually stood by?

Probably depends on the person saying it. Some here have said that they have been recycled after the ex said that they are done. My ex hasn't initiated any contact and probably never will. She may reply if I initiate contact, but I try my best not to do that if you know what I mean, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I just think it's different in every situation.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2015, 04:44:49 PM »

Excerpt
Do you think the term when im done im done is a in the moment emotion, or do you think that term is used and actually stood by?

Everything is moment to moment for a borderline, a consequence of an unstable sense of self and marked mood instability.

I'm the one who said when I'm done I'm done, and I was, even though she's tried to contact me many times since; someone has to be consistent and stable in this circus.

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Tim300
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« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2015, 04:51:09 PM »

Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?

You really can't trust the words of a pwBPD.  For one thing, they seem to have no qualms about lying.  But perhaps more importantly, they simply change their minds about life plans, friendships, etc., constantly.  So maybe she really feels "When I'm done I'm done," at that moment, but then changes her mind about this position 2 hours or 2 years later.         
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hurting300
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« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2015, 04:54:29 PM »

I have a friend that's dating a diagnosed BPD. She has this fairytale that he's not a liar. They can't tell the truth. You can never them ever.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2015, 05:02:58 PM »

I've been treated for passive aggressivness and engulfment for the past 16 months (along with codependence).  PA and engulfment in BPD are fairly common so I can somewhat relate. I can say that every relationship I have ever been in prior to BPDex ended the same. I was completely engulfed, first tried to force them to break up with me (through projection) and if that didn't work my resentment was so strong I convinced myself it was there fault. I didn't look back for years (once the engulfment had worn off I became friends with all but 1 ex I have ever had).  Almost all of my exes went psycho on me long after we broke up. I treated them horribly at the end of the relationship. I felt so guilty most of the time that I could not face them and was mean to them. I thought if they were mad or hated me it would lessen my shame.

I'm not proud of this and at the time this was mostly subconscious. I used manipulation and PA as a coping mechanism to mask my fear of intimacy and rejection (just like a Borderline). For some reason her PA and other behavior trumped mine and she made me look like an amateur. Fortunately I hit rock bottom and was forced to look at myself and my own personal issues. Today I am aware of myself and my actions. I don't know if I'll ever be totally cured but I refuse to act that way anymore and am repulsed by those that do. The downside is I feel completely exposed and I am still figuring out who I am going to be the rest of my life. It's scary.

So I understand to some degree how many borderlines feel when a relationship ends. Primitive thinking allows them to shift the blame to the partner and I truly believe the meanness that many of exhibit is just them trying to project their shame onto you. Just my two cents.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2015, 05:06:06 PM »

Do you think the term when im done im done is a in the moment emotion, or do you think that term is used and actually stood by?

Everything is moment to moment for a borderline, a consequence of an unstable sense of self and marked mood instability.

I'm the one who said when I'm done I'm done, and I was, even though she's tried to contact me many times since; someone has to be consistent and stable in this circus.

Thats exactly how i perceived it, whats said in the moment is based on emotion, and emotions are illogical so acting upon them would be a negative thing to do.  My problem right now is, I actually miss her because, for all I know she pushed me so far away because deep down she still loved me, but felt as if she had to move on ASAP to protect herself.  I dont know what feels worse, being caught up in the dance (push/pull) leaving me feeling paranoid, confused and angry or, that feeling I have right now of missing someone :/    
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hurting300
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« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2015, 05:15:15 PM »

Oh and I've come to learn that borderlines are not as impulsive as we think.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2015, 05:26:48 PM »

Do you think the term when im done im done is a in the moment emotion, or do you think that term is used and actually stood by?

Everything is moment to moment for a borderline, a consequence of an unstable sense of self and marked mood instability.

I'm the one who said when I'm done I'm done, and I was, even though she's tried to contact me many times since; someone has to be consistent and stable in this circus.

I agree with this feedback.  Unlike a pBPD when I said " when I am  done, I am done."  I meant it. 

I still do.

If you are not good for my life, you are not welcome in my life.

Taking back control is pivotal to fully detaching. 
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myself
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« Reply #15 on: January 04, 2015, 05:44:48 PM »

It was the reason I went back for one last recycle after a rather lengthy time apart/working on letting go. Through talking with my T, friends, and people here, I knew I wasn't done with the r/s yet. Had to make sure I'd tried everything, observed everything, said everything... .When I knew for sure it wasn't going to work for us, I didn't stay/go back once done.

My now-ex was already at the point of leaving/giving up/etc., or so she was saying while packing up her things for the 35th time or whatever. Even though I pointed out that her reasons were projections and not what I was actually responsible for. I saw the flicker of knowing that on her face, flipping between two different realities, but she stuck to her story and literally said, "It's over. I'm never coming back. We're Done".

Wanting me to continue chasing her, or not, but by then I was truly done.
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« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2015, 05:46:07 PM »

That was/is her catch phrase. So far so good. 4 and a1/2 months with the new guy and no attempts to recycle. I think Im good to go.
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Tim300
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« Reply #17 on: January 04, 2015, 05:56:12 PM »

Wanting me to continue chasing her, or not, but by then I was truly done.

This is exactly how I would describe my r/s ending. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2015, 06:18:34 PM »

Oh and I've come to learn that borderlines are not as impulsive as we think.

Impulsiveness is a recognized trait of the disorder, although the traits are on a continuum, everyone's different, and there's comorbidity, so although we see a lot of similarities here, we can really only speak to our own experience, and my ex was impulsive as hell.  Plus, although spontaneous and impulsive are different it can be a little grey, and I've been 'spontaneous' more than once too.
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borderpatrol

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« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2015, 06:18:48 PM »

Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?

Yes, was one of her favorite quotes. Really anything she said was never set in stone and if it was they would simply twist it around to there favor, they love to rewrite history with any ending that favors them.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #20 on: January 04, 2015, 06:21:24 PM »

Excerpt
for all I know she pushed me so far away because deep down she still loved me, but felt as if she had to move on ASAP to protect herself.

So what is love jammo?  Was she capable of it?
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jammo1989
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« Reply #21 on: January 04, 2015, 06:39:10 PM »

for all I know she pushed me so far away because deep down she still loved me, but felt as if she had to move on ASAP to protect herself.

So what is love jammo?  Was she capable of it?

I dont even know what love is right now, I know what love is towards your friends and family but as far as sexually and in relationships i really dont.  I know how I should love, in the sense that, I know how to treat the ones i truly love, but from my exes perspective towards me, I really coudnt describe the meaning of love.  I as in me understands how i shoild treat others, but righg now i seem to be comparing my ex to past relationships and as far as I can tell, I dont honestly feel love was the feeling i got from her.  The  ideolisation perioid was more about trying to impress me as if to say * tell me im worth it* yes she cooked, cleaned and did other really nice things for me, but, i dont think it was through love it was done to inpress me or others.  For example, she vistited my University house amd stayed for a few nights.  The first time she had ever met my one boy house mate she talked to him like she was his best friend, loud, bubbly, over the top, then proceeeded to cook us all a roast dinner.  Looking back on it, she didnt cook it because she loved me, she cooked it to try and impress others around me.
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hope2727
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« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2015, 07:03:19 PM »

Yes I heard that a million times. Well not a million but many. Yet he came back over and over. Doesn't seem to be this time though. He has gone totally silent and seems to be truly done. I know I should be relieved but I am sad and I miss him. stupid hey?
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hurting300
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« Reply #23 on: January 04, 2015, 07:08:46 PM »

Yes I heard that a million times. Well not a million but many. Yet he came back over and over. Doesn't seem to be this time though. He has gone totally silent and seems to be truly done. I know I should be relieved but I am sad and I miss him. stupid hey?

I miss my ex too sometimes. It's not stupid.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Tim300
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« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2015, 07:11:39 PM »

Doesn't seem to be this time though. He has gone totally silent and seems to be truly done. I know I should be relieved but I am sad and I miss him. stupid hey?

I miss mine too.  I still like to dream about us sometimes -- dream about the time we spent together and what could have been.  However, with my awareness of BPD and with the very disturbing behavior at the end (including an attack and death threat), my overriding hope it to never hear from her again.  I think at some point they realize that we're no longer interested in their game, and they are terrified of the possibility of having the Non not respond to an attempted re-engagement, so they won't reach out.   
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« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2015, 08:02:44 PM »

Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD. What she feels now she may feel differently later.
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hurting300
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« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2015, 08:09:05 PM »

Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD. What she feels now she may feel differently later.

I think we all can be that way.
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« Reply #27 on: January 04, 2015, 08:58:23 PM »

Mine said this all the time! "When I am done, I am done." We recycled 3 times but I think this time is it because.

"Thats exactly how i perceived it, whats said in the moment is based on emotion, and emotions are illogical so acting upon them would be a negative thing to do.  My problem right now is, I actually miss her because, for all I know she pushed me so far away because deep down she still loved me, but felt as if she had to move on ASAP to protect herself.  I dont know what feels worse, being caught up in the dance (push/pull) leaving me feeling paranoid, confused and angry or, that feeling I have right now of missing someone :/ "

I miss him everyday. When I wake up I realize he is not here anymore and I am sad. My head says it's wrong but my heart says another. My friends are sick of hearing about him and even tonight one said, "God, don't mention him, your done with him." They have no clue how manipulated and addicted we are.   
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« Reply #28 on: January 05, 2015, 01:45:10 AM »

Has anybody else ever heard their ex BPD say this? And if so did their actions speak louder than words?

I have learned that nothing a pwBPD "says" has ANY value. Short term or long term.

Their actions always tell the story. I pay strict attention to one (actions), and completely disregard the other, (words).  When I do this I am safe from the nonsense.

I miss mine, too... .but I am going to believe that it is something like missing heroin. ... .better off kept out of my life, no matter how much I long for it to be the way it was in the beginning.
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« Reply #29 on: January 05, 2015, 08:19:56 AM »

"When im done im done" is a healthy statement no? I told my ex this in the beginning of our relationship. As in, if I get dumped I refuse to be recycled. Not sure I'd be able to live up to it if I got the chance though...

I'm trying to remember what made me say say that... .
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