Do you think they ever loved you, or were just afraid of being alone?

[Restored2]

Hi goingplaces.  Thanks for sharing what you did.  As a born again Christian myself, I often reflect on that very same Bible passage found in "The Love Chapter" of 1 Corinthians 13 that you quoted.  It is a powerful marker that truly defines what love is.  My ex-girlfriend did NOT operate in this agape love towards me.  She was incapable of  loving herself and therefore unable provide it to me and our relationship.  Which all around is so very sad.  

[apollotech]

My uBPDxw once told me in one of her few moments of reality where she was fully exposing her inner turmoil. She said "I don't know what love is. I feel that I need to be sexually desired by men but I know that is not love"[emphasis mine].

Although my BPDexgf never told me this, I came to understand that she equated sex with love to a large degree. That could easily have been due to her NPD as well. She definitely needed a string of men to shore up her self-esteem. Sex was her means to get love (as she undetstood love) rather than sex being a result of love. She certainly thought that sex was about control. She did tell me several times that any woman could control a man via sex. That was rather insulting to me to say the least, and when I terminated our relationship (not over this) I am positive that more sex was not going to make it better or allow her control over me and my decisions. I don't think that a pwBPD has any idea what a mature, selfless love is nor what it entails. Their version of love is need(s) driven and selfish beyond reason. That's not love that a normal, healthy adult gives and accepts.

[Ophelia71]

Interesting how this got brought up. I had to think and ponder about that since I am still married to my BPD husband. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. Now lately, he does not say it so much but "show" it on his good days. I believe he loves me to a point and then he hates me, never told me he hates me, but it feels that way when he "blames" me for problems that he has in this life. However, I am starting to feel that he cannot love me if he does not love himself. He has made comments that he fights with himself. Love can be described in many ways. Did I feel loved? Yeah, only on his good days. Not so much on his bad days. I have accepted him and his BPD, but not the dysregulated behavior. It is almost kind of like being in a domestic violence relationship, but he has never laid a hand on me, but the constant mood changing which brings on verbal abuse telling me "F... you" and stuff... .In the case of domestic violence is the significant other is always buying gifts as a way to apologize, but they never say sorry. My husband is the same way, he kisses and hugs me to let me know he is sorry but won't say he is sorry. That is his way of apologizing for his horrible behavior. I know he feels bad, but it is not acceptable to be constantly yelled at when he is having his outbursts. I guess I am learning to love myself more.

[misty_red]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

[raisins3142]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

I told my uBPDexgf I had been in love only a few times, and it bothered her because she had been in love many times.  That speaks for itself.

[Infared]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

I told my uBPDexgf I had been in love only a few times, and it bothered her because she had been in love many times.  That speaks for itself.

A 12-year-old can fall in and out of love daily. Their is no possibility of depth in love. It's a childish love coupled with adult sexual appetite.

[apollotech]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

I told my uBPDexgf I had been in love only a few times, and it bothered her because she had been in love many times.  That speaks for itself [emphasis mine].

A 12-year-old can fall in and out of love daily. Their is no possibility of depth in love. It's a childish love coupled with adult sexual appetite [emphasis mine].

The above bolded statements sum up BPD love in a nutshell. Their love is as dysfunctional as teats on a boar hog and as fleeting as the morning dew. The simply don't have the capability to give mature, healthy love. They don't know what that type of love is or what that type of love entails. It is a horrid life for them to lead and equally as horrid for those that are unlucky enough to fall into their orbit romantically.

[raisins3142]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

I told my uBPDexgf I had been in love only a few times, and it bothered her because she had been in love many times.  That speaks for itself [emphasis mine].

A 12-year-old can fall in and out of love daily. Their is no possibility of depth in love. It's a childish love coupled with adult sexual appetite [emphasis mine].

The above bolded statements sum up BPD love in a nutshell. Their love is as dysfunctional as teats on a boar hog and as fleeting as the morning dew. The simply don't have the capability to give mature, healthy love. They don't know what that type of love is or what that type of love entails. It is a horrid life for them to lead and equally as horrid for those that are unlucky enough to fall into their orbit romantically.

I think this aids devaluing and infidelity.  They can fall out of love with you and develop a new infatuation based simply upon them being out without you and a nice stranger talking to them.

Mine was mad and silent toward me for the entire birthday trip she had planned for me simply because I suggested a car pooling scheme she did not like (and she did not tell me she did not like it).

[Infared]

Big red flag even in the beginning of my relationship with the exBPDgf. I was talking about love in general (nnot just romantically, just the word love), how it would make someone feel when they love and I said "I think love feels like coming home, like being home eventually.", her behaviour was so weird in that situation. She seemed lost like a little helpess child, ummed and erred and finally said "I don't know. I have no idea.". She really seemed ashamed but also annoyed by that topic. And so, so uncomfortable. So weird. But of course I was even more motivated to get it right with her to be able to make her feel love for the first time... .ugh, how narcissistic of me... .

I told my uBPDexgf I had been in love only a few times, and it bothered her because she had been in love many times.  That speaks for itself [emphasis mine].

A 12-year-old can fall in and out of love daily. Their is no possibility of depth in love. It's a childish love coupled with adult sexual appetite [emphasis mine].

The above bolded statements sum up BPD love in a nutshell. Their love is as dysfunctional as teats on a boar hog and as fleeting as the morning dew. The simply don't have the capability to give mature, healthy love. They don't know what that type of love is or what that type of love entails. It is a horrid life for them to lead and equally as horrid for those that are unlucky enough to fall into their orbit romantically.

The other part of that is they have no REAL clue as to the kind of pain that they actually cause when they run off on their selfish infidelities. Hey, no big deal... they got them some.

[still_in_shock]

You've laid out my story. Exactly the same situation here.

Interesting how this got brought up. I had to think and ponder about that since I am still married to my BPD husband. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. Now lately, he does not say it so much but "show" it on his good days. I believe he loves me to a point and then he hates me, never told me he hates me, but it feels that way when he "blames" me for problems that he has in this life. However, I am starting to feel that he cannot love me if he does not love himself. He has made comments that he fights with himself. Love can be described in many ways. Did I feel loved? Yeah, only on his good days. Not so much on his bad days. I have accepted him and his BPD, but not the dysregulated behavior. It is almost kind of like being in a domestic violence relationship, but he has never laid a hand on me, but the constant mood changing which brings on verbal abuse telling me "F... you" and stuff... .In the case of domestic violence is the significant other is always buying gifts as a way to apologize, but they never say sorry. My husband is the same way, he kisses and hugs me to let me know he is sorry but won't say he is sorry. That is his way of apologizing for his horrible behavior. I know he feels bad, but it is not acceptable to be constantly yelled at when he is having his outbursts. I guess I am learning to love myself more.