she wants me back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, now I'm confused because he said she didn't cheat... .

She cheated on the replacement with Inferno (because Inferno is THE ONE!) She also said she loved and would be with the replacement forever (because Inferno is THE ONE!) The grass seems greener on the disordered side, when it's re-painted that color (until another storm comes and washes it away, which won't happen ever again because Inferno is THE ONE!) What he needs to face: Is she really the one for him? Is there trust? A real chance? Etc.

[myself]

Okay, now I'm confused because he said she didn't cheat... .

She cheated on the replacement with Inferno (because Inferno is THE ONE!) She also said she loved and would be with the replacement forever (because Inferno is THE ONE!) The grass seems greener on the disordered side, when it's re-painted that color (until another storm comes and washes it away, which won't happen ever again because Inferno is THE ONE!) What he needs to face: Is she really the one for him? Is there trust? A real chance? Etc.

[antelope]

Forgive me if I'm insensitive and for taking liberties but... .

I was always happy with you

She was so happy that she cheated and then replaced you with someone else.

I still want us to go to Paris.

Are you paying for that by any chance?

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?

Translation: If you don't want me back I will hold on to him as a back up.

I don't want to cheat

But you did.

I don't want us to be fake

Any guarantees that it would be any other way?

^^^inferno, these are the only answers you need^^^

ACTIONS NOT WORDS WITH YOUR BPD EX!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Its been a few months since ive been on this site mostly due to my no contact with my ex and trying to weather the storm in my solidarity. Anyways i saw this post because ive been having weak moments lately and figured some post reading would help. I just happened upon your thread Infern0...

Well i feel led to say your making a huge mistake if you take her back. As songbook presented look at your last post. Does this show a man who loves her as a person or just the fantasy he projected onto essentially a blank sleight.

I hope by now you realize at her core she is the disorder. The only other pieces of her that shine through the darkness are traits mannerisms thoughts and behaviors she has previously mimicked from past lovers friends and family. And if you take those away all you have left is a scared child that needs reparented not another relationship that shes isnt capable of. Thats not your job nor will it ever be due to the fact that your history has proved you are incapable like myself of such a role. Only a trained psychologist or possibly a very non sexual older male figure could even begin to take such a role in the rebuilding of essentially a whole new personality.

That being said if you do love any part of her then your not showing it by taking her back because love is not a selfish action. And in this case you taking her back would not be her best interest but yours essentially to fill a void or try to feed the addiction or inner whiteknight/savior mentality which ive learned is basically altruistic narcissim at its finest. Youre trying save yourself vicariously through fixing her broken. Sadly this thinking will never get you anything but more pain instead of the healing youre truly searching to find which can only come from within... unless im wrong and you are perhaps just a masochist?

I dont mean to be so harsh but the reality of all of this is that truly. She hasnt undergone years of dbt, cbt, or schema to change her core. Shes proven from that message with words such as IF i leave the replacement that she doesnt see any problem with her current thought process. Her actions scream this as well over these past few months because i do know of the shipwreck youve weathered these past months better than most.

Youve finally gotten on to dry land... are you really going to jump back into the water to save her just to drown again?

The choice is yours mate.

CG. 

[mywifecrazy]

What I picked up right away on was the one word she used most I.

I want this I want that, etc, etc. Be careful and remember your boundaries!

MWC... .

[Trog]

Its been a few months since ive been on this site mostly due to my no contact with my ex and trying to weather the storm in my solidarity. Anyways i saw this post because ive been having weak moments lately and figured some post reading would help. I just happened upon your thread Infern0...

Well i feel led to say your making a huge mistake if you take her back. As songbook presented look at your last post. Does this show a man who loves her as a person or just the fantasy he projected onto essentially a blank sleight.

I hope by now you realize at her core she is the disorder. The only other pieces of her that shine through the darkness are traits mannerisms thoughts and behaviors she has previously mimicked from past lovers friends and family. And if you take those away all you have left is a scared child that needs reparented not another relationship that shes isnt capable of. Thats not your job nor will it ever be due to the fact that your history has proved you are incapable like myself of such a role. Only a trained psychologist or possibly a very non sexual older male figure could even begin to take such a role in the rebuilding of essentially a whole new personality.

That being said if you do love any part of her then your not showing it by taking her back because love is not a selfish action. And in this case you taking her back would not be her best interest but yours essentially to fill a void or try to feed the addiction or inner whiteknight/savior mentality which ive learned is basically altruistic narcissim at its finest. Youre trying save yourself vicariously through fixing her broken. Sadly this thinking will never get you anything but more pain instead of the healing youre truly searching to find which can only come from within... unless im wrong and you are perhaps just a masochist?

I dont mean to be so harsh but the reality of all of this is that truly. She hasnt undergone years of dbt, cbt, or schema to change her core. Shes proven from that message with words such as IF i leave the replacement that she doesnt see any problem with her current thought process. Her actions scream this as well over these past few months because i do know of the shipwreck youve weathered these past months better than most.

Youve finally gotten on to dry land... are you really going to jump back into the water to save her just to drown again?

The choice is yours mate.

CG. 

Wow, you've clearly done the work. Bookmarked

[ChadP]

Inferno, here's something you posted just one month ago:

":)o I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO."

Okay, now I'm confused because he said she didn't cheat... .

Not that he's aware of anyway. This feels like a slow motion train wreck.

[Infern0]

When I say she's a cheat it's because she cheated on replacement with me.

My situation is different from what many people went through.

Did she cheat on me? No

Did she deprive me of sex during rs? No

Did she react negative to PDA?  No

Did she cut me off when we broke up?  No

Did she attack me with personal insults?  No

Has she ever said "I never loved you" etc?  No

Did she have anxiety and engulfment triggers when we got really,  really close?  Yes.

did she disregulate and act and say strange confusing stuff?  Yes

When those triggers kicked in and she became withdrawn and flakey I reacted in a traditional PUA style by withdrawing myself and acting like I didn't care,  we didn't talk for like 3 weeks and ended up breaking up,  I went to a party and had sex with one of my hot female friends while drunk,  she got with my replacement.  Stuff went down,  I still loved her but was hurt and didn't know what was wrong with her or why she had gone cold.

It was a mess and incredibly painful because I really loved her.  That was the cause of my pain.  I wasn't hardcore devalued and treated like crap like many are.

Now here i am,  still don't know what to do but I'm just saying don't project what happened to you onto me because each person is different.

I still need to decide what to do

[jhkbuzz]

Now here i am,  still don't know what to do but I'm just saying don't project what happened to you onto me because each person is different.

I still need to decide what to do

Yes ^

Just take your time and think things through.  Whirlwinds are never good.

[downwhim]

Could you just meet her someplace neutral and not at your house? To me that is sex and there you go... .I hope you ask her pointed questions and I wish you the best. Your relationship is not ours and we are all here to support your decision whatever it may be.  

[blissful_camper]

If you decided to reconcile with her, I wonder if it would be helpful to take things slowly with her.  Baby steps.  One day at a time, slow and mindful. 

[Targeted]

When I say she's a cheat it's because she cheated on replacement with me.

My situation is different from what many people went through.

Did she cheat on me? No

Did she deprive me of sex during rs? No

Did she react negative to PDA?  No

Did she cut me off when we broke up?  No

Did she attack me with personal insults?  No

Has she ever said "I never loved you" etc?  No

Did she have anxiety and engulfment triggers when we got really,  really close?  Yes.

did she disregulate and act and say strange confusing stuff?  Yes

When those triggers kicked in and she became withdrawn and flakey I reacted in a traditional PUA style by withdrawing myself and acting like I didn't care,  we didn't talk for like 3 weeks and ended up breaking up,  I went to a party and had sex with one of my hot female friends while drunk,  she got with my replacement.  Stuff went down,  I still loved her but was hurt and didn't know what was wrong with her or why she had gone cold.

It was a mess and incredibly painful because I really loved her.  That was the cause of my pain.  I wasn't hardcore devalued and treated like crap like many are.

Now here i am,  still don't know what to do but I'm just saying don't project what happened to you onto me because each person is different.

I still need to decide what to do

What you wrote here first looks to be possibly your biggest hurdle could possibly be The biggest question you have to answer for yourself!  Is her cheating okay and not really cheating because she only cheated with you? Does the fact that you benefited instead of got hurt by her cheating in this circumstance negate the behavior?  You are right that your situation may be different than most but cheating is cheating and that is the same even if your the beneficiary!

Please take your time to think, we got your back the best we all can no matter what!

[eyvindr]

Hey Infern0 --

That's a bomb of an email, alright.

All I have to add is this -- I've been there. I've received almost the same exact email -- a number of times -- really, even the phrasing and the words used are the same. Like you, my ex never cheated on me. Though she accused me continually of not being loyal enough to her -- totally unjustified. And, like you (I think), I was always the one to leave the r-ship, b/c I couldn't take any more of the roller-coaster emotional chaos.

I've had the cards and flowers left on my porch, I've had the ex show up at my door at 2 am. It's all happened to me, and I've given it all a shot.

Well, here I am. Good luck.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Did she cheat on me? No

Did she deprive me of sex during rs? No

Did she react negative to PDA?  No

Did she cut me off when we broke up?  No

Did she attack me with personal insults?  No

Has she ever said "I never loved you" etc?  No

All of those minus the first one mine didnt do either. And technically i never caught nor has she admitted to the cheating. What youre really missing is that this isnt the point. The process is going to repeat because she isnt willing to admit her issues long enough to actually face them. Which is blatantly clear by her message as all you are to her is an OPTION. Remember her adding all of her exs on FB as soon as you werent answering to her. You think if you dont respond to the call one of her other orbiters wont? You really think youre the only one shes talking to? And then on top of it shes still with the new guy who shes obviously not happy with but hasnt broke up with him? And if she cheated with you what stops her from cheating on you? Is this lack of respect for your self worth not enough?

Then on top of it you not only defend her actions her actions but go as far to make yourself to blame for the behaviors. I get it man you love her and i love my ex too. Thats why when i got a similar message i did the hardest thing and the world and stayed NC. Im not showing her that love by getting back with her when she doesnt need a boyfriend but a therapist to help her truly release the pain within. For me its like looking into a mirror. I know its whats best for me too because as a diagnosed npd with BPD and aspd traits i realize while going through dbt therapy its the only way people like your ex my ex and myself can truly get past our traumas and learn to truly love.

And with her current state i can tell shes not ready for something even close to something real. I know with all of her heart deep down inside thats what she wants but she isnt capable of that currently caught in the undertow of her disorder. She needs to want to get help and stick to it without you telling her anyone else and if she wanted that she wouldnt be focused on filling the void with men. But unfortunately this is exactly why she said IF i leave the replacement showing she cant be single and proving this further. Shes stuck in her disordered thought process and only she can break this cycle.

I dont feel im projecting just stating the viewpoint of the situation from someone not only getting out of the fog but taking control his own disordered thoughts. Which i know i couldntve have done within the confines of a relationship as many other cluster bs ive talked to will agree. Im saying this because i know you care about her Infern0 and i dont want to see anymore pain on either side.

Ill end this saying i do truly wish you wisdom and discernment in the time it takes to make this critical decision.

Best of luck.

CG.

[Noah]

I know this is not what you want to here, but move on.  Ask all the guys on here who have gone through this scenario many times before you.  It never works out.  It takes more of a toll on you.  The recovery is longer.

Forget about all the relationship questions or how things were with you two.  The bigger question to ask is about you.

Why don't you think you deserve a healthy relationship... .where your gf doesn't have BPD... .she treats you right, there's no drama, etc?

You have the oportunity right now to really have NC and to take the time to work on yourself. 

Right now you are cheating your new future healthy gf out of quality time with you two if you decide to stay with the BPD gf.

I know its hard.  I know you really care about her.  But if you are honest what you'll really miss from the BPD gf is the idea of a healthy relationship... .a fantasy... .and the idea of being a rescuer.

All the Disney fairytales are just stories.  There is no reality in them.

You know what most healthy available women love in men?  Men who are strong, believe in their convictions, and do the right thing even when it's hard to do.

We don't know you, but we want you to be happy and healthy.  Trust all these guys with the same story as yours... .it's not unique... .be smart, walk away.

[eyvindr]

You didn't ask, but, like I said -- I've been there.

And you didn't ask but, if I were you -- I wouldn't show tomorrow. I'd lay low and blow her off. If there are more txts, I wouldn't respond at all. I'd maintain NC.

Or use the response I saw my ex posting around online during her smear campaign -- some childish meme that she used prop herself up, telling her little artificial support group (she went from 0 to over 200 "friends" on FB in about 3 weeks -- mostly people she's never met outside of FB) that I was pathetic, and would soon be back begging for forgiveness -- and, when I did, she'd respond:

No thanks, Satan. Not today.

But NC is better by far.

[Mutt]

Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

Hi Infern0,

I'd get a jolt if I got that on my phone or inbox.

Notice the black and white thinking?

There's no gray.

It's all good.

A r/s where you're idealized isn't a healthy one. I hope that helps.

[downnout98]

I feel your pain brother. I am going through a break up with my exBPD and it has been tough. She has broken up with me many times and cheated once that I know of. Each time we were broken up she would threaten that if we didn't get back together, there were other men waiting for her. During one of the break ups she was dating other men but claimed that I was the one. I always went back to her hoping that it would be different. I just got deeper and deeper till I have just about lost all my sanity. When we would get back together, I was always afraid that if I didn't give her my full attention, she would find someone that would. Walking on egg shells all the time.  With this last break up, I tried to take time to sort things out and she found another man. She says she is happy with him but she still texts me. I want to save her and I agree with what everyone has been saying, that I am hoping that this next time, we can have a normal relationship. It is a dream and not worth it. Hard to stay away and to have NC. I'm struggling with it too but for me, feel that it is the right thing. No doubt you love her, I still love mine but we have to take care of ourselves first, as hard as that me be to do. In the long run , it will be worth it. Good luck to you.

[Ghost733]

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

[ChadP]

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

pretty much.

[Rifka]

Inferno, since I spent so much time talking to you on skype, I feel close enough to ask you why you would do this to yourself again?

This girl almost made you loose your job.

She pushed you over the edge into a full nervous breakdown.

When we started talking months ago you were a complete nervios wreck in healing mode.

You know she also had her replacement hospitalized in a coma from trying to kill himself from her illness.

She has cheated with you on him and gone back and forth, sex with you and then sex with him, loving you, then loving him!

She has lost her job and is at the point where these relationships end with replacement, so now she wants you back to be the new replacement.

She is mentally ill and you completely know and understand that.

You have been talking to her and sleeping with her and comforting her here and there during your limited contact.

If you take her back, what are you thinking is going to come of it? She is sick! She will last with you for a little while and then find another. What will you do then? Are you planning on what will happen when you have your first fight and she runs back to her current fiancé?

I hope that you think about this really well and decide to speak on the phone instead of in person, which we really means meet again to have sex or a

You are a young, handsome smart man who could have any healthy woman, I just don't get why you would want somebody who can give you nothing but sex. You can find great sex somewhere else. Don't you eventually want a healthy relationship that maybe could lead to a commitment or family eventually?

What can she offer you? You have so much to offer the right girl!

What are you thinking my friend? Avoid the train wreck to come. I wish you had moved when you were suppose to months ago. Maybe then you would have been far enough away to heal and find a respectable lovely woman for yourself.

I only wish the best for you, she is not it!

I think you have been triangled for so many months now that you are back in the fog!

Please think this out well before doing anything rash!

Hugs to you my friend, you know how much I care about you and your well being. Please choose your actions for healthy reasons.

Rifka

[Blimblam]

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

pretty much.

Maybe it will be different this time.

[BorisAcusio]

Infern0, you sound very much like myself a year ago, with a strong sense of self. Borderlines often attach to people that have very strong opinions about how they should live. Eventually, by the end of the interaction, that carefully crafted entity will be destroyed. It's going to be the beginning of new journey on more authentic path. The gift of the relationship.

As songbook presented look at your last post. Does this show a man who loves her as a person or just the fantasy he projected onto essentially a blank sleight.

There is lot of sound advice in this topic, especially your very own from the previous posts. I would particularly like to highlight that thought from Chasing Ghost. Recycles are often just a stage in detachment from the fantasy that lives in our head.  

[icom]

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

pretty much.

Maybe it will be different this time.

It's always different, just negatively so... .in a helical spiral towards oblivion.  

[Blimblam]

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

pretty much.

Maybe it will be different this time.

It's always different, just negatively so... .in a helical spiral towards oblivion.  

Oops. I was trying to be sarcastic .  But it all depends on what your willing to out up with.  I love my ex still do but she drove me nuts.  I think inferno you want to put the responsibility of your decisions in someone else's hands when it comes to your ex. I know I did and I know she did with me.  She pushed me away pushed me to do it and then I found myself out of control.  Just because you love her doesnt mean that is all that is necessary. Perhaps I could have a rs with this girl but it will always be unstable.  Your stability would have to be autonomous from your rs with her.  At the same time that

Would require emotional distance.

I would be triggered if my ex hit me up.  But I remember making decisions that would make it impossible because I remember my first rs with a pwBPD and the hell that was with the break up make up with replacements splashed here and there inbetween. 

[Infern0]

I'm a hell of a lot stronger and more centered than I was a year ago when we met and begun our relationship.  I can say that with 100% honesty.  If we do get back together and she pulls any of that devaluing stuff again I will kick her ass to the curb and fast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do,  I have come so far in a short time,  honestly I don't need her and I can't be bothered with the crap but at the same time I do still love her and if she is legit and wants to try,  maybe I can give it another go, establishing rock solid boundaries from the start.

Also to those giving sarcastic,  smarmy one liners if you don't have anything productive to add then I suggest don't post in my thread,  I don't mind brutal honesty but this site isn't a place for rudeness.

[CloseToFreedom]

I think the people doing that, Inferno, aren't doing it to be funny or to make fun of you. They just speak from a place of painful experience.

Hell, I come from a place of painful experience. We've broken up so many times (mostly by me, because I couldn't handle the rollercoaster anymore). Each time was more painful than the last one. One time, I was depressed at my parents home for two months, sleeping 14 hours a day, only getting out of bed to smoke sigarettes and staring in front of me. I was a mess. After a few months, I started to get better and that's when she got in contact again and asked if we could be together again. And I just that, even though I almost lost my job because of the depression. I thought she was the cure.

She did this many, many times. And I fell for it. I mistook her disorder for 'faith', for 'this is how its supposed to be', for 'she is the one', for 'love'. But it wasn't about that. It was about her getting her supply, and no matter how nice those replacements were in the beginning, no one was as good as giving supply as me. I was her lapdog, she could do with me as she pleased. She knew this and got back to me. Of course she never said it like that, but I know the truth.

Still, if I was in your situation (and I can't deny that a part of me would like to be), I would have an incredible hard time to find the right choice. Incredible hard. One the one had I have my mind, that knows that she and the relationship aren't good for me, they're slowly destroying my life (keep in mind, mine never cheated either). On the other hand, there's my heart, that is hopeless romantic, still in love with her, still thinking that she is THE ONE. Another chance to make it right? Don't mind if I do. Then again, I already know how things will end. Because we've tried it 10 times before. That is the definition of insanity: keep trying to do the same thing over and over, hoping for a better outcome.

We can't tell you what to do. We can just tell our own experiences (like I just did above), and hopefully they will help you in making the right choice. But really, I don't know what the right choice is. You probably don't either. No one does. In the end, only time will tell. But you do have to keep in mind what is the most healthy for you. I know I'm very depressed right now and I still have a long road ahead of me. Another recycle ending badly, I couldn't handle. It would truly mean the end of my life, as in: I'd literally kill myself. No question. I couldn't handle another break up with her, not after the hurt that this one brought upon me.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm a hell of a lot stronger and more centered than I was a year ago when we met and begun our relationship.  I can say that with 100% honesty.  If we do get back together and she pulls any of that devaluing stuff again I will kick her ass to the curb and fast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do,  I have come so far in a short time,  honestly I don't need her and I can't be bothered with the crap but at the same time I do still love her and if she is legit and wants to try,  maybe I can give it another go, establishing rock solid boundaries from the start.

Also to those giving sarcastic,  smarmy one liners if you don't have anything productive to add then I suggest don't post in my thread,  I don't mind brutal honesty but this site isn't a place for rudeness.

Here's a question: Is she in therapy?  That would be a deal breaker for me, I think.  There's really no hope of improvement in your r/s if she's not seeing a therapist.

As my T pointed out to me the last time I saw her, the thought processes of pwBPD are completely unpredictable.  Just when you think things are calm and you can predict what's coming... .BAM.  You can't. And that's because they can be triggered by things that you wouldn't even imagine are triggers.

Are you ready to deal with that?  Is she seeing a therapist?  If she is not, I wonder: why does the management/maintenance/health of the r/s lie solely upon you and your ability to "handle" yourself and her disorder?  Should the health of your r/s be something that you are both working on?

[BorisAcusio]

I'm a hell of a lot stronger and more centered than I was a year ago when we met and begun our relationship.  I can say that with 100% honesty.  If we do get back together and she pulls any of that devaluing stuff again I will kick her ass to the curb and fast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do,  I have come so far in a short time,  honestly I don't need her and I can't be bothered with the crap but at the same time I do still love her and if she is legit and wants to try,  maybe I can give it another go, establishing rock solid boundaries from the start.

Also to those giving sarcastic,  smarmy one liners if you don't have anything productive to add then I suggest don't post in my thread,  I don't mind brutal honesty but this site isn't a place for rudeness.

I don't want or mean to sound harsh but as a person who recovered from BPD I have to say, borderlines (as was I then) are emotionally immature. And that won't change without intensive therapy. So again, my message to nons is please do not fool yourself into thinking that you can love them ENOUGH to produce some kind of increase in emotional maturity. From my experience on both sides of BPD it definately does not work that way.

To sum it up simply, because of all that happens to those who develop BPD they are not able to mature emotionally. They are caught back at very young ages of abandonment trauma and until it is resolved once and for all in therapy they will not have even the insight into the reality of how much they emotionally lack.

The lack is real. The lack is formidable. The lack requires professional help to be addressed appropriately.

By the way, in lots of the email I get from non borderlines from my web sites, they often feel a dilemma about whether or not to leave a relationship because, among other things, they get stuck on the notion that if they try hard enough they can change the borderline - mistake number one. They also get stuck with a huge "what-if". They email me and ask, "what if I let go now, or give up now, and he or she gets help, changes and becomes a wonderful human being - becomes who I see they could be and who it is I know I love" kind of thing. In countless emails I reply with the following hard-won insight:

If a non borderline sticks with the "what-ifs" he or she will be STUCK. The non will be stuck in all the suffering that we all know so well. The way to unhook from this or any other "what-ifs" that might have you STUCK is to begin to educate yourself (if you haven't already) about Radical Acceptance. Because nons have to learn to start their thought or decision-making process re to stay or leave, for example, from the foundation of "this is what IS right now - period" Can I put up with or live with it or not? Does the pain of it outweigh any possible benefits?

Borderline immaturity is ingrained in what it means to have Borderline Personality Disorder. You, as a non borderline, cannot will or wish it away. You cannot change it. You also likely cannot live with all the pain that it continues to cause you either - it is the classic no-win rock and a hard place.

It is important to radically accept where your borderline is at and who he/she really is - right now - for example, if they are extremely emotionally immature, radically accept that. That means you just sit with that reality. You do not judge it. It isn't a good thing or a bad thing, observe that it merely is what is.

Radical accepting the immaturity of the borderline in your life does not mean that you resign yourself to it or that you decide you will just put up with it.

Not to be a walking commercial here but in one of my ebooks for Non Borderlines, "The Other Side of BPD" I introduce the concepts of Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance and explain how these two concepts (generally) and as defined by Linehan (who created DBT Skills Training for borderlines) and how they can and will help non borderlines to begin to suffer less and be able to create a foundation from which they can then begin to clarify what they need and how to go about achieving it.

Borderline Personality Disorder, in my opinion, is a relational disorder. At the heart of it is the enduring emotional immaturity that essentially defines it and that is a direct result of the core wound of abandonment that arrested the borderline's emotional development at 2 years of age.

It is not practical or reasonable, really, I say to you gently, to expect to have the healthy intimacy, mutuality, or reciprocity that are the hallmarks of healthy relationships with someone who has BPD - simply put, that's the bottom line, sadly enough for all concerned.

Healthy or unhealthy, the majority of people who fuse with the Borderline also "purposely pick and choose" who they give their time to- so often times these bonds are hardly broken when the Borderline moves on. It's when the Borderline returns and then leaves again that self-discovery begins for the partner.

[Infared]

I think the people doing that, Inferno, aren't doing it to be funny or to make fun of you. They just speak from a place of painful experience.

Hell, I come from a place of painful experience. We've broken up so many times (mostly by me, because I couldn't handle the rollercoaster anymore). Each time was more painful than the last one. One time, I was depressed at my parents home for two months, sleeping 14 hours a day, only getting out of bed to smoke sigarettes and staring in front of me. I was a mess. After a few months, I started to get better and that's when she got in contact again and asked if we could be together again. And I just that, even though I almost lost my job because of the depression. I thought she was the cure.

She did this many, many times. And I fell for it. I mistook her disorder for 'faith', for 'this is how its supposed to be', for 'she is the one', for 'love'. But it wasn't about that. It was about her getting her supply, and no matter how nice those replacements were in the beginning, no one was as good as giving supply as me. I was her lapdog, she could do with me as she pleased. She knew this and got back to me. Of course she never said it like that, but I know the truth.

Still, if I was in your situation (and I can't deny that a part of me would like to be), I would have an incredible hard time to find the right choice. Incredible hard. One the one had I have my mind, that knows that she and the relationship aren't good for me, they're slowly destroying my life (keep in mind, mine never cheated either). On the other hand, there's my heart, that is hopeless romantic, still in love with her, still thinking that she is THE ONE. Another chance to make it right? Don't mind if I do. Then again, I already know how things will end. Because we've tried it 10 times before. That is the definition of insanity: keep trying to do the same thing over and over, hoping for a better outcome.

We can't tell you what to do. We can just tell our own experiences (like I just did above), and hopefully they will help you in making the right choice. But really, I don't know what the right choice is. You probably don't either. No one does. In the end, only time will tell. But you do have to keep in mind what is the most healthy for you. I know I'm very depressed right now and I still have a long road ahead of me. Another recycle ending badly, I couldn't handle. It would truly mean the end of my life, as in: I'd literally kill myself. No question. I couldn't handle another break up with her, not after the hurt that this one brought upon me.

Yes... .CTF... .good post... .I came close to offing myself on the disposal and replacement by my ex.  I did not sleep for two months (people may think that is not possible... .I know if someone said this before I lived it I would not believe it possible.) I am an athletic outdoors guy... .I never smoked in my life... .I started at it with 2 pkgs. of Marlboro Reds a day... .my anxiety was THAT bad.  

Fast forward a few years out... .lots of support, therapy etc.   Now... .if I see her alone or with my double I just find the exit.   I treat it like a car that is trying to run me over. Note on my car windshield. Torn up and put out the garbage.  Its a mental conundrum for me... .I want and miss the thing that wants to hurt and abuse me.  I don't try to figure it out any more. I put my ego in a lunch box... .if my nemesis is spotted, I just head for the door. Its that simple... .and its called self-love.

The question is ... .how much pain do we have to endure until we want to take care of ourselves.  That's the only question for me.

(oh... I was able to slowly get more even... .sleeping normally, enjoying the smaller pleasures of life and I stopped smoking, too).

[NYMike]

I'm a hell of a lot stronger and more centered than I was a year ago when we met and begun our relationship.  I can say that with 100% honesty.  If we do get back together and she pulls any of that devaluing stuff again I will kick her ass to the curb and fast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do,  I have come so far in a short time,  honestly I don't need her and I can't be bothered with the crap but at the same time I do still love her and if she is legit and wants to try,  maybe I can give it another go, establishing rock solid boundaries from the start.

Also to those giving sarcastic,  smarmy one liners if you don't have anything productive to add then I suggest don't post in my thread,  I don't mind brutal honesty but this site isn't a place for rudeness.

I feel your pain.It is so very tough to love and care for someone that has problems or issues.I spent a lifetime loving and caring for woman with ''issues''.This started in my childhood protecting my weak mother.

Detachment is very painful.IMO if you think you are strong enough and you are comfortable then get back in there.I would support you either way.

If you do decide to get back in there and give it another try I would suggest going to the ''staying board'' and get some tools to work on things.

I wish you well and I hope you keep us informed how things are going for you.

NYMIKE