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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread  (Read 4706 times)
kc sunshine
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« Reply #60 on: January 15, 2016, 11:04:27 AM »

I am a total NC failure  .

3 hours into NC day 1 and I already texted her a text which is guaranteed to get no reply. . I almost posted it on here instead-- wish I did.
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Anez
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« Reply #61 on: January 15, 2016, 11:30:28 AM »

Don't beat yourself up, KC. Shake it off and get back to NC. You can do this.

and next time you feel like texting her do it here!
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Brab

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« Reply #62 on: January 15, 2016, 11:34:06 AM »

It's just a text mate... .

Be gentle with yourself... .this isn't easy

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .

I'm about seven weeks now and it has gotten better, much better... .

Change her name in your phone to "Pain" or "Suffering" or ":)oom"... .

Text someone you know cares about you and tell them you're struggling, write out how you feel but DON'T send it to her... .post it here or send it to a friend... .

I don't know how long it will take, no one does, but you WILL feel better... .
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Anez
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« Reply #63 on: January 15, 2016, 11:45:04 AM »

Glad to hear you're doing well, Brab. keep it up! 7 weeks is strong!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #64 on: January 15, 2016, 12:16:09 PM »

Good point! Okay, starting again... .and on the upside, my text to her might ensure that she won't contact me, so I won't face that challenge!

Quote from:

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .[/quote

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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #65 on: January 15, 2016, 12:43:25 PM »

It's just a text mate... .

Be gentle with yourself... .this isn't easy

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .

I'm about seven weeks now and it has gotten better, much better... .

Change her name in your phone to "Pain" or "Suffering" or ":)oom"... .

Text someone you know cares about you and tell them you're struggling, write out how you feel but DON'T send it to her... .post it here or send it to a friend... .

I don't know how long it will take, no one does, but you WILL feel better... .

This is a good idea for a thread. To post messages here instead of to them.
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NCEA
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« Reply #66 on: January 15, 2016, 06:30:07 PM »

NC 96.

She's becoming a distant memory. I wish the sex wasn't so good, it's really the only aspect I miss. It seems that time does heal everything. If you'd be taken out of your body and personality and put into new ones, within 3 months you'd hardly remember your old self.

It's not healing just forgetfulness. And of course now that I'm forgetting it's also easy "to forgive" because it's all towards an abstruct person who is just a ghost.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #67 on: January 15, 2016, 06:33:21 PM »

Wow, NCEA, that is so great!

I'm down the rabbit hole still . Not even day 1 yet. Sucks.
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Anez
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« Reply #68 on: January 15, 2016, 07:09:29 PM »

That's awesome NCEA. You're killing it and learning a lot along the way. Good for you.

KC start with one day. Then two days. Then three days. You can do it. Don't get down on yourself. Each day will make you stronger. You might not see it at first but look at how NCEA is doing after 96 days.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #69 on: January 15, 2016, 07:55:15 PM »

I am a total NC failure  .

3 hours into NC day 1 and I already texted her a text which is guaranteed to get no reply. . I almost posted it on here instead-- wish I did.

Dont kill yourself over it.  NC is very hard, but it gets easier and easier.

I'm at almost 3 weeks and even now, I have strong urges to text my exBPD.  However, now I want to text just to . . . see if he's okay.  Just to reach out, and say "I forgive you", and get closure.  But I know that it's better for now to just stay no contact, until I am 100% certain, I have re established my boundaries, and that they will not falter. 

Just try your best (better than your best), and be strong.  Detaching yourself from the situation will start to make you see things much more clearly.
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Anez
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« Reply #70 on: January 15, 2016, 08:11:00 PM »

Sitting at home on a Friday sick as a dog, doing laundry and have no desire to text her. 10 days into not reaching out (cordial hellos at work) and feeling a little stronger.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #71 on: January 15, 2016, 09:15:09 PM »

Sitting at home on a Friday sick as a dog, doing laundry and have no desire to text her. 10 days into not reaching out (cordial hellos at work) and feeling a little stronger.

Get well soon my friend.  The stress probably has your immune system shot.  

I'm glad to hear you're feeling stronger.  

Since I feel like sharing a little, and I dont know where to post this.  I wanted to share a little about some things I found out about my exBPD.

Well,it turns out he's been keeping a blog for 10 years, that I had no clue about . . . and seemingly very few other people have any idea about.  I stumbled on it because there was a link hidden deep on one of his websites.  He's all over the internet, literally on every website you can think of.  I think he has an easier time communicating behind a keyboard instead of face to face.

Anyway . . . most of this blog was about his relationships.  They all followed the same pattern.  He fell in love very quickly, and lost interest in about 3 months (when people would get really close to him), and then he would discard them.  Or, he would find someone, fall in love quick, and they'd reject him, and he would go on and on about how cruel they were and what terrible people they were for doing that to him.  

However, most disturbing was a passage he wrote about an ex boyfriend.  He said "I broke up with him, because I am not in love with him anymore, and he was devastated.  But in about a week, I got lonely, so I called and confessed my love for him, just so I could have sex with him, and just so I'm no longer lonely.   I have no feelings for him.  I'm disgusted with myself.  I am selfish, and shallow, but it's in my nature, and I cannot stop it.  I wish to be with someone else, someone better than him, but until I find that person, I will be with him so that I am not lonely"

Well then . . . okay.   That explains a lot.  How very sad and pathetic.  

I have no ill feelings towards him.   He is truly sick, and needs help.  I would NEVER treat someone like this!

Also, he unblocked me on some social media, and I saw confirmation that him and his "ex" are going to a lot of events together (I think I was unblocked so I could see this),  so now I'm pretty certain he was 100% dating him the whole time we were together.  What's so sad, is when I told his ex about everything that happened, and how my BPD had been seeing me for 6 months behind his back (without my knowledge), he said "I will never leave him no matter what he does to me, because I'm too in love with him."

Well you know what.  You can have him gurl.  That's too much for me to handle.  

I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he feels so alone that he will lie, cheat, and RUIN people's lives, just so he can fill his empty heart and live with himself.  

This disorder is TRULY devastating for all involved.

But the silver lining is this . . .

I've seen enough.  I have been NC for almost 3 weeks, but now I am extended NC to mean,  NOTHING.  I will not look at his pictures, I will not look at any of his 1 million websites and blogs, I am eliminating him from my life.  If he ever does call me, I will not even seek to understand why he did the things he did.  I am now filled with the resolve to MOVE ON and take my LIFE back!

He emotionally abused me, and he was dating another man behind my back.  The man I was before I knew him would never stand for this, and I'm just starting to feel (albeit only slightly), like the man I was before him.  I do not deserve this, and I will not tolerate it.  I am not the person who can be with someone who has this disorder.  I am getting my boundaries back to protect myself, and RESPECT myself, and I hope everyone in this thread finds that within themselves as well.

I'm nowhere near 100 . . . but each day is better . . . and we will all learn to respect ourselves, and move on from this.  I know it's so hard, and there's so many emotions tied into all this.  Just keep telling yourselves, YOU DESERVE BETTER!

We are the type of men/women who never gave up on the person we love, and we will find someone who deserves that.  

The people who discarded us, do not deserve the love we can give. I'm sorry to say it but it's true.

For those who suffer with BPD, my heart truly goes out to you . . . and if I could talk to my exBPD I would now tell him "I forgive you, and I will always love you.  My hope is for your happiness, and I truly hope you seek help for what you suffer from."

That's true love . . . and what we deserve.

Hang in there guys/gals.  It gets better.

We can do it together, I'm so glad this board exists, the good, bad, and the ugly, all of it is beautiful.   Let's get through this. 

Much love. 
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Anez
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« Reply #72 on: January 15, 2016, 09:54:18 PM »

Wow ... .Sorry you had to read all that on his blog but at least now you see what type of person he really is. He doesn't even come close to deserving you. That blog should help push you forward even more, tho.

Yea, these boards are a great place. Everyone has helped me in their own ways and I appreciate it all. It's crazy, I didn't know about BPD a few months ago. When she dumped me I just thought it was a girl who suddenly didn't like me anymore and I was LOST. I still am a little lost but with the help here and w my T I'm finding my way home.

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Anez
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« Reply #73 on: January 15, 2016, 10:10:38 PM »

Man it's crazy how the brain works. I just listened to an awesome live version of a song she likes and my first thought was I should send this to her. Then I was like wait, shut up brain. no I shouldn't. And I'm not sending it.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #74 on: January 15, 2016, 10:23:19 PM »

Man it's crazy how the brain works. I just listened to an awesome live version of a song she likes and my first thought was I should send this to her. Then I was like wait, shut up brain. no I shouldn't. And I'm not sending it.

Oh man, that hits me in the gut.  Music is the worst.

I cant even listen to certain songs and artists, because I went to so many live shows with my exBPD.  Those songs are so painful . . .

But yes, I can relate to always seeing stuff and going "ohh, i want to send that to . . . oh nevermind . . . "

It happens all the time.  He loves silly meme's or anything cute.  I will see something I'll known he will love and I want to send it so BAD! 

It's almost like the "Friendship" aspect is what is missed more.  Yes, the romance was nice (but the drama spoiled it . . . )  however the friendship was always great. Sharing just fun stuff, having tons in common.

It sucks man!   I feel you!

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Anez
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« Reply #75 on: January 15, 2016, 10:25:13 PM »

Soon we'll find new people to share stuff with. For now, we just smile at the memory of that song or whatever and move along.
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Brab

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« Reply #76 on: January 16, 2016, 09:57:03 AM »

Not out of the woods yet... .

It's kind of a significant day for my ex and she keeps changing her photo on WhatsApp... .one was a photo she sent to me when I was being idealised and the other is probably one of the most flattering I've seen of her... .

Finding it a bit of a wind up if I'm truthful... .my people all tell me it's "bait" and I tend to agree... .

Some friends whom I consider to be more spiritually enlightened tell me that since I'm leaving for India tomorrow I'm putting out an energy into the universe that she's picked up on... .I'm taking a massive step in letting go of her and this is her way of holding on... .interesting perspective... .

I'm pretty sure that once I'm in India and start to look inside myself... .she will become very, very insignificant... .I think it's already happening and these feelings I have today are the remnants... .tho they're very powerful and quite painful... .

Regardless, I'm holding the line on nc, I wish her well on this special day for her but there is no need to convey that directly... .

Better to spend time with the people who love me without condition before I set off on my journey!

Hold fast chaps! Better days ahead!



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Anez
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« Reply #77 on: January 16, 2016, 10:38:20 AM »

Stay strong, BRab! Smart of you to spend time today with those who love you unconditionally.

Great things await for you on your journey to India!
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NCEA
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« Reply #78 on: January 16, 2016, 11:07:30 AM »

Why are you looking at her whatsapp picture?

Delete your chat, delete her number.

Then you won't see these changes any more. Do it now before you leave.

It's astonishing how one moment you're in love and then all hell breaks loose and then slowly over many weeks and months it turns into a distant memory. Even something the magnitude of world war 2 is today nothing but a faded memory in history, in old pictures and stories that are detached from the real event.

The first three months are hell, just be prepared for it.

Not out of the woods yet... .

It's kind of a significant day for my ex and she keeps changing her photo on WhatsApp... .one was a photo she sent to me when I was being idealised and the other is probably one of the most flattering I've seen of her... .

Finding it a bit of a wind up if I'm truthful... .my people all tell me it's "bait" and I tend to agree... .

Some friends whom I consider to be more spiritually enlightened tell me that since I'm leaving for India tomorrow I'm putting out an energy into the universe that she's picked up on... .I'm taking a massive step in letting go of her and this is her way of holding on... .interesting perspective... .

I'm pretty sure that once I'm in India and start to look inside myself... .she will become very, very insignificant... .I think it's already happening and these feelings I have today are the remnants... .tho they're very powerful and quite painful... .

Regardless, I'm holding the line on nc, I wish her well on this special day for her but there is no need to convey that directly... .

Better to spend time with the people who love me without condition before I set off on my journey!

Hold fast chaps! Better days ahead!


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kc sunshine
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« Reply #79 on: January 16, 2016, 07:47:11 PM »

Hi NC gang,

You all are so good! I'm almost done day 1 of NC though-- and that includes no checking social media. Whew! She was still on my mind a lot though... .hopefully less tomorrow!

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Anez
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« Reply #80 on: January 17, 2016, 12:38:11 AM »

Nice, KC!

Try your best to not look at her social media. It's all BS on there anyways. It gets easier each day not to look.

Stay strong!
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MapleBob
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« Reply #81 on: January 17, 2016, 12:45:40 PM »

Day 8 (or 9?) ... .doing okay, I guess. Wondering if I'll ever hear from her again, not sure what I'd do if I did.
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Anez
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« Reply #82 on: January 17, 2016, 12:52:09 PM »

Feel the same way you do, maple. Almost broke down and texted today but lonely_astro talked me off the ledge! Back to feeling strong, tho.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #83 on: January 17, 2016, 12:53:28 PM »

Feel the same way you do, maple. Almost broke down and texted today but lonely_astro talked me off the ledge! Back to feeling strong, tho.

I'm no where near breaking down and texting. I apparently do have some pride. I just miss her and don't have to do anything about it.
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FlSunshineGirl
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« Reply #84 on: January 17, 2016, 02:46:11 PM »

I am on Day 366 of NC!

I feel better now and stronger than I ever have!

He contacted me twice about 2 months after we went NC. The first email just said he wanted me to know he was thinking of me and missing me but he had no motive in emailng me. I thought that it was bait and normally I would fall for it, but I didn't reply to him. So a week later to the day I got another email saying again how he thought of me every day and missed me and wanted so badly to hear from me. I didn't respond to that one either.

What I found out was the timing of these emails was when the girl who was my replacement had dumped him and he didn't have a replacement for her yet.

(Unfortunately I'm linked to him by my family being friends with his, so I got some inside scoop.)

Turned out the day it was over for the replacement and him he set up an online dating account and also tried to reach out to me. He was also trying to Charm her back in to the relationship with gifts (he did that to me all the time when we had a fallout to try to win me back) and posting on his Facebook pictures of movie tickets they went to together and some sort of wrist band in the shape of a heart. He also changed his profile pics to the movie tickets and some notes she wrote him and pics of them together. After she wouldn't respond within a few hours he had posted pics of a gift I made him and made that his profile and also changed the other pic to a photo I had taken that he saved.

After she wouldn't respond to him and I didn't respond to his two emails (and shortly after the emails he was parked in a lot I pass by on the way out of my neighborhood probably hoping I would see him and stop - h*ll no!). Then a few days later after that he ended up finding someone at a bar. He's living with her now.

He deleted his Facebook account (probably so the new replacement didn't see all the crazy things he was posting about the other replacement and me).

He contacted me again two days ago (one day before the one year mark of the last time I spoke to him... .which also happens to be his birthday) and again said he thought of me every day and missed me always.

I'm sure it had some correlation to some drama in his current relationship and needing backup. He may be missing me and thinking of me, but I'm almost 100% certain he's also thinking about all the others and missing them too.

In the past I always fell for reconnecting with him but after everything I found out when we ended things I see him for exactly what he is and won't fall for his manipulations anymore.

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

Having contact with this person will only serve to meet his needs and cause me further harm.

NC was the best thing I ever did to stop the cycle.

In his case ex's are like revolving doors. When one door closes he tries to enter back into the life of a previous ex but if that doesn't happen he goes down the line and through whatever avenue to do what he needs to line up an attachment.

One of our previous fallouts before the end, he was searching for a girlfriend he had almost 15 years ago! Then another fallout he contacted a female friend and began triangulating her with me and chatting with her behind my back and playing online games with her. She was the one who replaced me because he was lining her up behind my back for quite some time.

That was the end of the madness and the last straw for me.

NC really does allow you to get out of the FOG, madness and chaos that so many of these relationships have and start to see things more clearly.

I realized some very unhealthy aspects about myself that I've worked very hard at healing and realized what we had wasn't love, it was need on his part and being needed on my part.

I realized I deserve so much better than what I put up with!

Something else I did to help in my healing was right after I decided to go NC for good, I destroyed, sold and threw away everything associated with him. Every gift, every card, every letter, every picture... .everything. For me the ending was final and I was done with him for good.

What I'm having to work on is letting go of anger towards him and anger at myself for putting up with all the things I did for as long as I did.

Be strong and when you're tempted to respond, contact a friend instead, a therapist or someone on here. Those are also some things I did to help me get to this point in NC and my healing.

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Anez
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« Reply #85 on: January 17, 2016, 04:58:08 PM »

Nice work, sunshine! That's impressive and you should be really proud of yourself. And thanks for the tips, too.

Way to be strong!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #86 on: January 17, 2016, 06:28:21 PM »

Been kinda busy and haven't checked up on here too much, but been thinking of you guys, and I'm going to read the updates tonight or tomorrow. 

I've been sticking to no contact, but I still think of him a lot, and I miss the good times.  There were so many.

Why do the small amount of bad times have to amount to so much?  Oh man, it's really sucky.

98% of the time, it was bliss.  2% of the time, it was hell on earth.

But being discarded over and over is just not okay.

I do wonder sometimes if he thinks about me or if he ever wants to contact me.  I feel like he's just . ... forgotten about me. It hurts to think that.

Much love.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #87 on: January 17, 2016, 06:37:59 PM »

Almost done day 2. Still thinking about her a lot though. On a 1-10 scale, I'm probably at a 7 of thinking about her. Hopefully tomorrow will be a 6.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #88 on: January 17, 2016, 06:38:32 PM »

(and what I feel like doing now is not texting but sending her a postcard.)
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Anez
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« Reply #89 on: January 17, 2016, 08:18:45 PM »

7 isn't bad, KC!

Don't send a postcard, tho. NC!
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