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Author Topic: Does the NC help to accept the break up?  (Read 4029 times)
Isa_lala
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« Reply #60 on: March 10, 2016, 05:51:19 AM »

You say you have a habit of putting the needs of others before your own. And the question you ask here is how to make your partner accept the break-up.

I think you should ask yourself what you want and what you need instead of considering your ex partner's needs. You say are bored and dissatisfied with your ex partner, so I assume you don't want to have contact with him. Then don't have contact with him.

What he wants should not be important to you. He is your ex partner now. No matter how persistent his attempts to contact you, he shouldn't be able to make his situation your problem.

You are totally right. I guess I try to smooth things until he leaves the house. Then it will be easier for me to keep him away from my life and I will be more firm.

We still will some money related discussions to have as he doesn't want to speak about it now. But when he will be out of the house and I will be back at my place, I will give him an ultimatum to discuss this topic. After the date I will give, too bad, no money arrangement, it will be too late (it is me who owe him money)
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #61 on: March 10, 2016, 05:54:43 AM »

Everyday is different... .Today, he wants to invite me for a dinner and make plans for summer vacations with me! He still hopes that we will work the things out

It's like a nightmare except that I won't wake up !

Extinction burst, he's thinking of everything he possibly can to persuade you.  Just think, a week from now you'll be back in your home, and it will be time to decide if engaging with him, even reading his emails, is helping or hurting your detachment and healing; the nightmare ends when you say so, but not until then.

You know how many emails I received yesterday? 50!

So this morning, when I woke up, I was very upset and I told him how many emails he had sent me and precised that I had only read a few of them and offered him to meet this Saturday when our 2 boys will be at their sport class. He said no. Ok, too bad, but I will communicate the way I want, and that's it! It doesn't suit you? Too bad.

I am fed up. And you are right I really should stop thinking of him and start thinking of me only
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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #62 on: March 10, 2016, 10:29:13 AM »

Excerpt
You know how many emails I received yesterday? 50!

50 emails in one day sounds pretty desperate, and irritating!

Excerpt
So this morning, when I woke up, I was very upset and I told him how many emails he had sent me and precised that I had only read a few of them and offered him to meet this Saturday when our 2 boys will be at their sport class. He said no. Ok, too bad, but I will communicate the way I want, and that's it! It doesn't suit you? Too bad.

I am fed up. And you are right I really should stop thinking of him and start thinking of me only

At this stage anger is good, you can use it.  He is who he is, you can't change him, radical acceptance it's called around here.  But you can use the anger to create distance between you; it's useful when you have history together, still have an emotional connection, and have mixed feelings, the anger can help you do what you know is right.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #63 on: March 10, 2016, 02:07:44 PM »

I am fed up. And you are right I really should stop thinking of him and start thinking of me only

Isa,

I think it is ok for you to think of him if it makes your life and detaching easier.  Only you can know what is best for you and what level of contact you can handle.
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #64 on: March 10, 2016, 03:20:43 PM »

Yes, that s true. It is very difficult to put me ahead of him. Not used to. It is like a move you do wrong in a sport. You get used to do it wrong and when you learn how to do it right, it is much more difficult to correct the move than if you had done it right at the first place

So i must change an habit I have had for years... .Not easy.

I just realized that during this break up, so far, I am doing what I have always done with him: explain my thoughts and believe that he will understand. WRONG!

He seems to understand what I say, but as soon as his emotions take too much place, it is like I had said nothing, that he had not understood what I said... .

So I stop to explain. Worthless

He just wrote me if we could speak to each other tonight or at least write to each other but I don't feel like it. Don't have energy for that. I don't even respond... .And will not read his other emails for the rest of the day

I still read his emails because once in while he gives me info about the house. But in a week from now, I won't even read his emails.  
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #65 on: March 10, 2016, 05:12:29 PM »

Yes, that s true. It is very difficult to put me ahead of him. Not used to. It is like a move you do wrong in a sport. You get used to do it wrong and when you learn how to do it right, it is much more difficult to correct the move than if you had done it right at the first place

So i must change an habit I have had for years... .Not easy.

And think about it like this Isa: if you put your needs first with him, what would his reaction be?  A healthy relationship is one of interdependence, as opposed to dependence or codependence; sometimes we're weak and need support, sometimes we're strong and the other person needs support, sometimes both people are strong and we just have fun together.  But a borderline, someone in constant emotional pain, is always going to need it to be all about them, plus there's the issue of control, a tool a borderline uses to deal with the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment.  Not mean and calculated necessarily, borderlines are doing the best they can, just like everyone else, but it is what it is.

So as we grow, learn new things about ourselves, our relationships can change, either grow closer or farther apart.  So again, if you insisted that your needs matter, sometimes they're more important to you than his, and you refused to abandon yourself anymore, what would his reaction be?  If your ex is anything like mine it wouldn't go well, there would be lots of emotional flare-ups and chaos, and that is unacceptable to me, up to you to decide if it's acceptable to you, right now it isn't, and good for you!
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C.Stein
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« Reply #66 on: March 11, 2016, 05:33:36 AM »

I just realized that during this break up, so far, I am doing what I have always done with him: explain my thoughts and believe that he will understand. WRONG!

He seems to understand what I say, but as soon as his emotions take too much place, it is like I had said nothing, that he had not understood what I said... .

I completely understand this and it is very frustrating.  My ex was very much like this as well.  I could explain stuff to her and she seemed to see and understand but then do or say something that showed she didn't see/understand at all.  Thing about this is even if it appeared she didn't understand she is still aware and somewhere in that mind it is rattling around between her own overwhelming emotions and needs. 

He just wrote me if we could speak to each other tonight or at least write to each other but I don't feel like it. Don't have energy for that. I don't even respond... .And will not read his other emails for the rest of the day

I still read his emails because once in while he gives me info about the house. But in a week from now, I won't even read his emails.  

Do what you feel is right for you Isa just don't beat yourself up for still caring about him.   
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #67 on: March 11, 2016, 05:29:57 PM »

The trick is that it is easy to be manipulated again... .I just have...

I thought of his needs before thinking of mine... .Bad habits...

Anyway, as you said C.stein, I will not beat myself up and leave the time help me to change these habits
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #68 on: March 12, 2016, 09:38:52 AM »

The trick is that it is easy to be manipulated again... .I just have...

I thought of his needs before thinking of mine... .Bad habits...

Anyway, as you said C.stein, I will not beat myself up and leave the time help me to change these habits

Yes, but you caught yourself doing it; would you have done that a year or two ago?  If not that's growth, and good for you!
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #69 on: March 12, 2016, 03:39:55 PM »

I know that I wouldn't have done that even a few months ago. Big improvement

More recent news: I saw my ex this morning and we spent almost an hour together, talking... .

I knew I might see him because my son went back to his sport class this morning (after a few weeks break following a surgery) and my ex son goes to the same class on Saturday mornings. He was waiting for me in his car. Yesterday, I offered him to have a coffee somewhere during our sons class. He preferred to walk so we took advantage of this sunny and not too cold day to take a walk and talk.

He still loves me and still wants me back in his life but not now. He is seeing a T and he knows he has a lot to work on before being able to get back in a relationship. But in his heart, it is clear that I am the one.

I didn't feel the courage to tell him that I was not feeling the same way. I thought that it wouldn't go through anyway. When he asked me if I still loved him, I said yes but maybe not as much as he loves me. This may not go through as well as he has a selective memory... .

We agreed that his numerous emails were too much and that he has to give me time to heal and same for him. As well, as I said, he has stuff to work on with the T.

He said he is doing this for him, not for me, that the relationship and the break up was a wake-up call for him too.

The thing is that he has in mind to go back together in a while. He asked me to keep my heart open for him to have a chance to get my heart back.

I feel a little bit guilty to not have told him the truth (that I don't see myself going back with him)

I was not feeling upside down by my meeting with him. I know that I don't love him as much as he says he loves me. The r/s went too far in the bad way.

What should I do?
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #70 on: March 12, 2016, 04:18:32 PM »

What should I do?

I say give yourself some time, more time, away from him without communicating.  How you feel today, after only moving out a couple of weeks ago and seeing him this morning, is not how you will feel 3 months, 6 months, a year from now.  As the fog clears and we get our feet on the ground our perceptions of the relationship and our partner will change too.

I don't think you owe him anything, but do you think so Isa?  You broke up, you don't need to tell him anything.  Sure, you can keep your heart open, as long as you're honest with yourself, and if you don't want to be with him, then that's the way it is.  And if you stay away and stay consistent long enough he will just go find another attachment; a borderline must have an attachment.  Take care of you!
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« Reply #71 on: March 12, 2016, 04:21:20 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and is now locked. Please feel free to continue the topic in another thread.
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