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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Feeling heartbroken with no closure  (Read 538 times)
patrick1991

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« on: January 15, 2017, 07:25:21 AM »

Hi everybody i could really do with some advice with how to move on with my life after what seems to be at the moment a failed relationship with my BPD partner, but she never gave me any closure. So without going into crazy detail we had known in each for 3 years prior to hooking up in September of 2016 when i randomly sent her a message asking how she had been because i already knew she had BPD and then the innocent flirting began and i couldn't believe my luck really.

We went away a few times together and it was great. She really was "love bombing" me but i guess i didn't see it at the time, just thought this girl is really into me. She did go off the radar a few times when we we're together were she wouldn't contact me for several days and then i would finally hear from her in tears apologising and just saying she was having a really difficult time with her mental health.

This brings it all up to the 11th December which is the last time i have saw her and since then absolutely nothing. Won't pick up her phone or respond to texts or emails, i've not sent too many just like 1/2 a week just letting her know that i'm here for her etc. I even sent her, her Christmas presents in the post because i didn't get to see her over the holidays.

What i'm struggling to understand is, is the relationship over or what and without any closure from her how am i mean't to know if it is over? Like i feel as though i can't move on even if i wanted to because i would have the overwhelming guilt inside me if she got back in contact and i had met somebody else. I can see she's been active on social media and she hasn't blocked me or painted me black in anyway and we've never had a single argument ever. I can't do anymore until she contacts me now if ever and at what point do i say enough is enough and move on and whats the best way to do that and be transparent with her that i need to crack on with my own life now. I feel completely broken... .
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FSTL
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 08:03:11 AM »

Do you want it to be over, and isn't that all that matters? What are your deal breakers? Do you like the way she treats you? If not, then you should think about ending it yourself. There are lots of experiences to read on here and you will get a flavour of what to expect with a BPD (push, pull / recycle).

This isn't a healthy relationship, where each party communicates with each other and is available for each other when needed.

What do you want to do?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 08:10:18 AM »

Hi everybody i could really do with some advice with how to move on with my life after what seems to be at the moment a failed relationship with my BPD partner, but she never gave me any closure. So without going into crazy detail we had known in each for 3 years prior to hooking up in September of 2016 when i randomly sent her a message asking how she had been because i already knew she had BPD and then the innocent flirting began and i couldn't believe my luck really.

We went away a few times together and it was great. She really was "love bombing" me but i guess i didn't see it at the time, just thought this girl is really into me. She did go off the radar a few times when we we're together were she wouldn't contact me for several days and then i would finally hear from her in tears apologising and just saying she was having a really difficult time with her mental health.

This brings it all up to the 11th December which is the last time i have saw her and since then absolutely nothing. Won't pick up her phone or respond to texts or emails, i've not sent too many just like 1/2 a week just letting her know that i'm here for her etc. I even sent her, her Christmas presents in the post because i didn't get to see her over the holidays.

What i'm struggling to understand is, is the relationship over or what and without any closure from her how am i mean't to know if it is over? Like i feel as though i can't move on even if i wanted to because i would have the overwhelming guilt inside me if she got back in contact and i had met somebody else. I can see she's been active on social media and she hasn't blocked me or painted me black in anyway and we've never had a single argument ever. I can't do anymore until she contacts me now if ever and at what point do i say enough is enough and move on and whats the best way to do that and be transparent with her that i need to crack on with my own life now. I feel completely broken... .

Never expect closure from these people... Ever. I never got it in the 4 years I spent with mine, and nobody on these boards got it... And if you look at other stories across the expanse of the internet, nobody else did either... It's a hallmark of the disorder... They just leave and you will never get a good explanation of why they left. If you get anything at all, it will be a confusing vague reason about why they are leaving, or they'll just blame you.
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patrick1991

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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2017, 08:25:44 AM »

Thanks for replying FSTL. I completely agree this isn't a healthy relationship at all and I wanted to be treated and loved equally, not just when she feels like it. I don't want it to be over no, but it's been 5 weeks now and at what point do I just finish it myself. Is 5 weeks along to time to go without no contact from a pwBPD?

She's treats me great when I'm with her but this silent treatment is complete torture and just emotional abuse on a whole new level. Like I don't even know if she realises the pain she's causing me. Do you have any advice on how to end it myself? Like I have no bitterness towards the girl and I wish her well for the future but I just need to crack on and forget about this heartbreak?

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patrick1991

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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2017, 08:26:32 AM »

Matt S wow 4 years and no closure! How did you manage to handle that?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2017, 08:33:37 AM »

Matt S wow 4 years and no closure! How did you manage to handle that?

I'm barely handling it... We broke up multiple times though. I left her a few times and she left me a few times. I guess you could say she gave her version of closure with vague confusing reasons that probably only make sense to her...
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bus boy
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2017, 09:12:38 AM »

Everyone on here knows the pain you feel firsthand.
  In my personal experience closure never comes. To go looking for closure means another volley of hurt thrown at you and less closure than ever. We are dealing with emotionally sick people. You will get great advice on these boards, take what works for you, keep marching through the pain and you will come out the other side a better person.
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FSTL
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« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2017, 09:23:51 AM »

Patrick

If you want to end it, you need to make the decision and then cut her off. Full NC. Block her on everything, social media, email, phone.

Then she can't contact you and that is it.

Personally I wouldn't feel the need to tell her anything because her has cut you off for 5 weeks and you don't owe her a thing.

Not feeling bitter towards her is, in my view, healthy. I don't hate my exBPD because she is mentally ill. I just try and avoid interacting with her (we work together, so LLC is the best I can do, rather than NC).

Main thing is you have to want to do it.
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2017, 09:26:03 AM »

When one or both healthy adults in a r/s decide that they can't continue a r/s for whatever reason, they provide each other an explanation or closure. If a spouse passes away in an accident is another example where we don't get proper closure, in these cases where it's not possible or our partner isn't healthy we can give closure to ourselves.

I completely understand how hard it is when we don't get closure, I like many members here had to give myself closure, I speak myself when I say this but it helped me come to terms with the end of the r/s, our r/s an marriage of several years is really at an end, my deal breaker is cheating, I won't take someone back after that, I understand that you can work through affairs in marriage counseling, it's difficult to mend a r/s after an affair but not impossible. It just doesn't match my personal value.

Do you feel like she's keeping you at arms length patrick1991? What are your boundaries?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
FallenOne
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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2017, 09:28:23 AM »

One of the reasons they never give closure is because they like to keep you hooked... It's never truly "over" for them... It may seem that way, but the more you read about this stuff and the more experiences you read about, you'll realize they almost always try to come back... My opinion is that they don't give closure because they plan to come back at some point.
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patrick1991

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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2017, 10:24:09 AM »

Would it be a good idea to write her a letter or email etc just explaining that I need to move on with my life now and I wish you well for the future etc? I think by doing that it would give me the closure I need so that I can move forward with my life. I know I don't owe her anything but I just feel as though it's the right thing to do so she knows that I'm moving on.

Hi Mutt yes I definetly feel she is keeping me at arms left and I really can't work out why but I've gave up overthinking about it now. Like I said before she hasn't blocked me on social media or anything so it's as if she's dangling a carrot right in front of me. My main boundary would be cheating. If I found out she cheated they would be it. I would never take her back no matter how much she cried and begged, I'm worth more than that.

Thanks guys I can appreciate your comments enough
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« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2017, 02:17:25 PM »

Hey Patrick,   I am sorry to hear your story, and know what you are going through. It's sucks. I suggest reading and practicing detachment before you contact her at all.  There is nothing you are going to say that will give YOU closure. And I agree with the other posts, you won't get closure back.

Closure is the end.  No more.  Are you ready for that? could you write what you have to say in one paragraph? 

I would suggest before you do anything, post it here.

Take your time, this is about you. You have no responsibility to her whatsoever. Your feelings pull you, but hers pushed you.
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patrick1991

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« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2017, 02:50:32 PM »

Hi ynwa i'm not ready for closure fully no, but being in the dark about our relationship is completely ruining my life and i feel as though the quicker i resolve the issue and let her know where i stand the better for me. I kind of get that vibe now she will never contact me again and i'm going to sit back and get the popcorn ready for the next sucker she ruins

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talks to angels
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« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2017, 05:48:05 PM »

patrick1991 I get you feel the need to let her know where you stand, but read through the boards here. All that will come of you reaching out is one: she pulls you back in with no real explanation of what happened, or two a circular discussion that you will feel like crap after.

So you had stated you didnt want to go out with anyone else, because what if she comes back? Go run... .date... move on. If and when she contacts you, it is possible that you will have met someone wonderful that meets your needs. I can guarantee she isnt just sitting at home wondering about you. I know that hurts to hear, but that is the way it works.
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cj488
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« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2017, 09:00:53 PM »

No Closure with a BPD compilation:

When you get dumped by your BPD, you probably are looking for some type of closure. Your head is spinning, while you heart is aching, as you are left in a world of pain and confusion. You wonder what the hell just happened, just sitting there all alone trying to replay everything that just went down. Your BPD will have projected all her faults on to you, turning you into the bad guy, even though it was all her doing. You see, you are the mirror she is looking into as she projects everything she hates about herself at you. It's what I like to call the "Mirror Identity Function" she identifies herself looking at you, envisioning everything about herself. So, she has you believing that you were the cause of everything when you never were.

A BPD will never give you the closure that you are looking for because she will never admit to being at fault. She can't handle this type of admission because of her fragile mind and ego. This is why she will show no remorse and move on to the next guy like nothing has ever happened. If you do get a chance to try to get some closure, you will get the blame for everything. She will use a couple of instances of what you did not do for her that made her leave you. She might even use a couple of instances that you did do. Now, you never even thought of these before but she will make it out to be the reason why she left. Nothing you can do will ever be good

 enough for her and she knows that. This is her big excuse that she will use to throw the blame back on to you. Again, she is projecting and blaming you for her own faults, hate, and self loathing. So, you will never get the closure you are looking for.

She probably expected you to read her mind during the relationship. Making you try to solve all her problems by trying to figure out what is going on. Most of the time you probably had no inkling that there was ever a problem at all. She would then blame and hate you because you couldn't fix her exact problem that you had no idea of. Nobody in the world can fix her, because you can't fix her, she doesn't want to be fixed.

This all stems from a lack of a bond she had with her mother during her infant years. She never had any connection with her mother during her formative years, so she expects you to be the one to care for her needs. If you are unable to do so, she will lash out at you, shame you, and make you feel guilty. A mother can care for her baby's needs and knows what it wants, but the BPD expects you to take on the role of the mother. Which means being able to read her mind and knowing what she wants, even when she doesn't tell you. How can ever be able to do that? You can't, so that is why the sh*t will hit the fan after the "Honeymoon Phase" is over. You have to remember that with a BPD, you are dealing with the mind of a little child in a grown woman's body. This is why they act the way they do, they are childlike. So, trying to get closure from a child will never happen.

She will forever deny that she was at fault for anything, so any kind of closure will just be a futile attempt. These efforts on your part to reach out will only result in causing more grief and pain for you. How can get any real remorse from a girl who will never be truly sorry?

That's BPD. While that seems like a smart-ass response, it's just... .true.  They live in a world of ever changing emotions that never ceases.  Nothing is ever 'calm' for them.  I call it the seesaw conundrum, when they are in a romantic r/s with someone.

On one end of the seesaw is fear of abandonment, the other end is fear of engulfment.  They start out in the middle (the seesaw is calm).  Then they start running headlong into one end.  Then they shift course and go the other way without slowing down.  They keep doing this, which makes the seesaw tilt faster and faster until they find a new seesaw (triangulation).  Then the 'old' seesaw slows, but now they're straddling 2 seesaws.  Since they can't trust their own emotions, the 'old' seesaw must be defective somehow... .after all, it was tilting so fast.  So they never fully trust the 'old' seesaw again... .so they end up leaving it for the 'new' seesaw, only to start the process all over again.

I call it a conundrum because they never can understand why there's so many 'bad' seesaws out there... .even though it's them that's causing the seesaw to become unstable.  Btw, we all are on the seesaw, but we can regulate it to keep it balanced, where a BP can't.

BPD is a serious mental illness and as of this writing, not curable. The only known treatment that has shown promising results is DBT and even that is hotly debated.  It doesn't cure BPD, it only helps manage it.  This is a huge undertaking for the pwBPD (person with BPD) and takes YEARS of therapy, commitment, and hard work on their part at a CHANCE of improvement.  All the while, it's business as usual.  Btw, the stats show only 50% of those who start DBT stay with it too. Out of those, 80% stay managed enough to not be considered BPD but can be triggered again under certain stressors.

I seriously doubt that pwBPD forgets the beloved Non... .its just the opposite... if the relationship was very pleasant during first phase (honeymoon phase)... .and break up happens... .pwBPD drowns herself into alcohol, drugs, impulsive sex, in depression, or self mutilation or suicide attempts.  All this behavior is to forget the Non as Non has become a source of intense pain and fear for her. This all is not under pwBPD's control as she has a serious mental disorder which takes control of her brain. Its not on purpose.
New research shows that pwBPD have a very painful trauma memory system in their amygdala... .once it gets activated they go in emotionally dysregulated phase and behave very irrationally and  illogically. This drives Non crazy... because it is crazy making behavior.
I would like to emphasize that pwBPD are not evil, they are not psychopaths ... .they are themselves suffering greatly ... .their disorder makes many well meaning, kind men suffer and develop depression.  Nobody wins. Not pwBPD... .Not Non... .only the disorder wins.

Dysregulation, which occurs when they are overwhelmed with their emotions and that's when "crazy making behavior" happens.  But they still aren't out of control.  Sure, they'll go on a spending spree or sleep with countless people or something else harmful in an attempt to self soothe, but they make those decisions.  They're never "out of control" or on "autopilot" and not responsible for their behavior.  They just don't think of the long-term implications of their behavior.  For instance, my ex dated a guy for a month without my knowledge because I spoke harshly to her (after being baited into an argument).  She made that decision, yet was upset when I found out and confronted her about it.  It was MY fault she dated the guy because I was "mean" to her.  According to her, since I was mean to her, I was using her and going to leave anyway so she decided to find someone new.  Mind you, she never spoke to me about her feelings, she just went and did it all the while continuing a r/s with me.  That was her choice.

They will preemptively strike by leaving you first if they even remotely think you're going to leave them.  To them, it's better to hurt you first than you hurt them.  Keep in mind this perceived abandonment can be in their own head.  You could've said some "off" to her or gave her a look she perceived as hateful.  Anything can trigger it and I do mean anything.  Nothing you said/did was to blame for this.  I gave J all the loving/caring/understanding I could, I knew she was BPD.  We talked about what to do when she became deregulated... .the whole 9 yards.  It didn't matter.  When I did exactly what she told me to do, it was still wrong.  You literally cannot win with them, ever. When the devaluing process starts, the r/s is basically over.  Sure, you can stick around and hope they regulate enough again to try to work on it, but it's not been my experience that it lasts long.  It took J about 6 months for her to devalue me, we got back together for a great month, then she left permanently (though she forgot to tell me, of course). I spent another 2 months trying to repair the r/s to only find out she was dating someone else.  I ended the r/s then.  Of course I discovered she had been dating ANOTHER guy too, who she's with now.  I should also mention that J is in (well, supposedly) DBT, on meds, and is very self aware.

I understand when the r/s ruptures that you're left wondering what happened.  If ever there were a chance for success, I had it.  It didn't matter in the end, I still lost her.  Turns out though, she wasn't who she claimed to be with me in the beginning anyway.  There were a ton of lies, omissions, and manipulations from her the whole time we were together.  People say it takes two to tango, I just didn't realize I was dancing alone for as long as I was.

Again: don't blame yourself.  Were you perfect in the r/s?  Probably not.  You're human.  You make mistakes (I know I did).  But that's the difference in being in a r/s with a normal adult vs a disordered one.  They understand (empathy) you make mistakes.  A disordered one expects you to be perfect and when you aren't, they start devaluing you. 

Oh, and all the stuff you asked about (then suddenly leaving, worrying about how they're percevied by others, etc) is typical behavior when they deregulate.  It's best for you to realize this person is unhealthy for you, detach, and begin healing.  I know it's easier said than done, trust me.  I didn't want to let go of J.  But I knew I had to.  Just be glad you don't have to see your ex everyday like I do (along with my replacement).  It's brutal to see their "happiness" every day.

Re: Anybody else feel like an addict?
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2016, 09:43:41 AM »    Quote
________________________________________
Yes, to answer you initial question. It is an addiction and I can't stay away. And I beat myself up about it. I convince myself that it will not work, that I cannot be with a person who can change her mind about me, about our relationship, on a dime. It makes me incredibly anxious and feeds into all my fears. Then, I am either in so much pain that I reach out (figuring that at least if she rejects me, then it's over) or I feel like myself again and think I can handle it. And she responds. Then I fool myself into thinking it can work. But the pattern is already set.

She discarded me once (decided it wouldn't work and brought someone else to a dinner). I also hoped that she would recycle me. I heard from her about 3.5 weeks later -- like nothing was the matter (issues are also never resolved. either papered over and ignored or cause a breakdown. there is research that shows that people with BPD do not see when a relationship is breaking down and do not know how to repair it) -- and started the cycle again. About a month later, she decided she had enough and packed me up to go home. And then called about five days later... .I wouldn't call it charming exactly. I think she misses me, feels lonely, etc.  I don't think we can be friends. I feel too strongly about her. Although I love being with her... .


I don't think she understands what she wanted from you.  That's the problem with borderlines, I think.  They don't know what they want.  Their priorities and sense of values are so unstable that they're always changing them, hence the mixed signals. 

I agree with others here that NC is really the only way to go.  It's hard at first, but gets easier.  And while I do have moments of weakness and doubt, those moments are becoming less frequent and severe as time goes on.  I've become too strong to get drawn back in again.  I know I'll never talk to her again.  But still, when she does try to contact me, a part of me is pleased to know that she still thinks of me.  How messed up is that?

You will never get the closure you are looking for with a pwBPD.
The only closure that you will get is knowing that she can't give you what you want.

Don't call or txt if you expect closure.  If you want to detach, you will not get soothed by the pwBPD. You have to find your own peace.

I agree 100%.  The BPD will never give you closure, for so many reasons, especially since closure is what they fear the most. They always want to know that they can have a backup.  Furthermore, your feelings are not exactly their priority, their survival is.

My advice would be to find a way to stop giving this person power over you.  As long as she has something you need -- whether you call it closure or something else -- she is in control.  You will be free when you decide that she no longer has anything to offer you.

This again: is right when s/he says that you are probably fishing for regret.  You aren't going to hear a person with this kind of disorder express regret.  You are probably also expecting that maybe she "learned something" or "grew" from the experience.  People who block out all sense of blame or responsibility do not learn and grow; they repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Your "closure" can ultimately come from acceptance of her serious mental health condition and understanding what that condition means for her relationships.  She didn't end the relationship for a mature, well-thought-out reason that she can articulate to you.  There will be no nice, neat explanation of why you are incompatible.  But now you know you are incompatible because of her mental health, and that is the last word.

I think you're doing yourself a disservice by expecting that a person who was so abusive has anything constructive to offer you.

You'll never find the closure/answers you're looking for. Take it from someone who was on speaking terms with their ex after the breakup.  It just doesn't happen.  Any veiled sense of responsibility is immediately pushed back onto you 'justifying' why they did something.  This just leads to more questions than answers, more hurt and pain, and keeps you in the cycle.

In the end, the only explanation that's a valid explanation is they're mentally ill, emotionally stunted people that their only consistency is they're inconsistent.

BPD is a very, VERY serious Cluster B mental illness.  Besides reading the references here on the site, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist to help YOU sort through YOUR thoughts, feelings & emotions. They can also help you understand why you were attracted to your BPD in the first place. Like most here you're probably a codependent & all the things that come with that. You need to learn why you have codependent behavior & attracted to a BPD ... .without learning about yourself, your behavior, you're most likely to continue to repeat your choices for a partner in life ... .without learning about your history there's a fairly good chance that there is another BPD r/s in your future.

In your statement you say the word "logical" ... .there is NOT & will NEVER be anything logical about the BPD mental illness so just forget about any illusion you have of that. If YOU truly want closure ... .I mean TRULY want to move on from her and start to live & explore life ... .ONLY YOU can do it ... .it is within YOU to stop all of it~!  YOU have to not only block her from FB & all other social media but YOU have to stop going to her FB page. I mean what do YOU care what the heck she posts? REALLY?  Block her number to prevent her text & calls. Put her email address in the spam folder so you don't get them.

You need to LIVE YOUR LIFE~!  This means getting out of your place and socializing again with other people. Get out and get a walk in ... .a mile will take you only 20 minutes on a bad day. Start to eat right, nothing good comes from junk food ... .it's WHY they call it junk food.  Go to a funny movie or a comedy show ... .laughter is truly the best medicine to help you recover both mentally & physically.  You need to get some really good quality sleep ... .REM sleep helps heal the mind body and soul.  Stay away from alcohol of any type for awhile. It's a depressant and you might do something you might regret if you have one to many ... .like making a phone call.

BPD can never be cured. Your BPD is mentally ill with studies, Ph.d's, therapist backing the thoughts that it can NEVER be cured ... .at the very best one can only manage this mental illness with limited success. So it really is up to you if YOU truly want to take back your life ... .to move forward ... .to heal yourself not only from your experience with your BPD but to really discover yourself, your behavior as a codependent and learn to say no ... .learn the 51% rule, for YOU to take care of YOURSELF because no one ... .no one else with do it for you.

Take a deep breath ... .take a step backwards ... .look inward ... .start to take your life back ... .you can do this like a lot of others have before you!

"Closure with a Borderline is a joke!  The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for staying as long as you did.  The only conversation you need to have and the only person you need to see again is the person in the mirror.  Look at yourself and say 'you know what, I fxxked up.  My worth is more than that'.   That's your closure.  Don't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell."

There Is No Closure with a Borderline Woman

Closure is a healthy part of ending a relationship. You each get to say your peace. You both apologize for any unintentional and/or intentional hurts. You say goodbye and wish each other well. This is how closure works between two reality-based, reasonably sane adults who basically had a good relationship, but didn’t work because you ultimately had different goals, values, interests, a lack of compatibility or you grew apart instead of together.
A less satisfying form of closure is when you had a relationship with someone who wasn’t considerate, wasn’t invested in the relationship or just wasn’t ready for commitment. If this person is a reality-based, reasonably sane adult then you break up and state how they hurt you. They apologize and give you an ego massage by offering, “It’s not you; it’s me. You deserve someone who really loves you.” You accept his or her apology and you both go away feeling a little better.
Trying to get closure with a narcissistic and/or borderline woman usually results in reopening your old wounds, not healing them
Attempting to obtain closure with an abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline woman (i.e., Crazy) is almost always a maddening exercise in futility. You’re not going to get closure with this kind of woman for several reasons. First, she doesn’t meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure:
1.   A reasonable degree of sanity
2.   A foothold in reality
3.   Empathy
Being able to give an ex closure means you’re able to accept your share of responsibility for the demise of the relationship and when has your BPD and/or NPD ex ever taken responsibility for her behavior, especially when she was clearly in the wrong?
Don’t you remember how she would rewrite ancient and recent history when you were together by portraying herself as the long suffering heroine and you as the terrible ogre, after every nasty blow-up, attack or cold shoulder episode that she initiated? Do you really think she’s going to admit to any of the relationship atrocities she committed during the relationship now that it’s over? (*Unless, of course, she’s attempting a charm.)
I hate to break it to you, but if you’re waiting for this to happen or, heaven forbid, an apology from this woman; IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If you try to get closure from your NPD and/or BPD ex by detailing the many ways she hurt and tortured you, she’s unlikely to acknowledge what she did.
Instead, she’ll puff herself up, look at you like you’re the crazy one, and mystifyingly tell you, “I was a wonderful and loving wife or girlfriend. How dare you say these things to me? You must be crazy or someone’s brainwashed you. Don’t you remember how good I was to you and the many things I did for you?”
Somebody has a memory problem, but it’s not you. If you seek closure from this woman, she’ll regale you with her revisionist relationship history as you have yet another NPD/BPD induced What the heck-moment. You’ll be understandably rattled after walking into another one of her traps and  she’ll tell you how worried she is about you because you seem so unhappy now (the “without her” is implied).
Evidence that the hard wiring in these women’s heads is truly out of whack:
1. They don’t get that when you look hurt, unhappy and in pain it’s because of something they’ve done. They think it’s because of something you’ve done because if she hurt you, you deserved it and she was right to hurt you. She’s confused hurting you with “showing you affection” and trying to take most of your assets as “generosity.” You cannot reason with this.
Once most men finally get out of an abusive relationship, they feel an intense amount of relief. They have regret and sadness that they fell in love with a woman who doesn’t really exist and put up with the abuse for so long, but that’s normal. Nearly every man I know who’s broken free from one of these women is infinitely happier — even with less money (if it’s divorce—a reader describes it as “the price of freedom, sanity and happiness”) and/or less time with their kid(s). Once the abuse stops, it’s a tremendous relief.
2. What they call love is really abuse and control, but they doggedly insist, it’s love. Enough said.
3. Some of them truly believe they were the best wife or girlfriend. You could show this kind of woman a video tape of one of her unprovoked rage attacks and she’d still deny she did it or find a way to blame you for it. Her defense mechanisms are impenetrable.
This is why it’s crazy for you to seek closure from this woman. She may have brief moments in which she can recognize the truth of who she is and what she’s done. However, the reality of it terrifies her and shakes her to the core. Instead of apologizing to you, she’ll quickly revert back to her idealized false self or image that no one (who knows her well) believes.
Narcissistic women in particular believe that their facade is so slick that no one can see through it and many people don’t until they get too close, which is why these women don’t let anyone get too close. In other words, she believes her own bull___. She has to believe it because if she doesn’t she fears she will fall apart. It’s a matter of ego preservation vs. ego annihilation except that she’s actually preserving her false self.
Then she will either attack you or gaslight you by rewriting history yet again. Do you really want to get caught in one of these crazy-making, never ending loops with your ex? Didn’t you learn your lesson while you were with her?
Here’s how you get closure from an emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman: Get as far away from her as you can and then get on with your life. The best form of closure for you is living well and that means a life free of abuse, filled with love and happiness. This woman will never have the kind of relationships other people are capable of — she will be left with herself and that’s a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.



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thefinalrose

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 44


« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2017, 01:46:31 AM »

So much of this is so similar to my ex. I didn't get any real closure either. He suddenly just began avoiding me and when I finally got pissed off and pressed him about it he just told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. So I tried to fix it, tried to figure out what happened, so bewildered, and the more I tried the more he began accusing me of all sorts of outrageous things, blaming me, calling me crazy, everything was my fault. That was my "closure". That I was the totally f*cked up one who had ruined everything.

It took me a very long time, a lot of tears, and many, many sleepless nights to puzzle together everything by myself to form some sort of coherent, logical picture as to why he went away. I thought for over a year that it really was all my fault, that I really am totally batsh*t crazy and unable to be with anyone. But after scrutinizing my own behavior, and his behavior, and doing so much research I myself feel like a psychologist, I've realized a few things that point to him having BPD. He'd always had an enduring behavior pattern of pulling me toward him and then pushing me away, of idealizing and devaluing. Furthermore, the vast majority of abuse was unprovoked. The times I acted "crazy" according to him, only happened during the last six months of our relationship, when I had completely begun to boil over due to his behavior. But his behavior patterns had always been there, ever since I met him in 2009, no matter what I did or didn't do. Made no difference.

If you haven't, I suggest you read as much as you can about BPD, personality disorders in general, abusive relationships, pathological fear of emotional intimacy, rejection, abandonment, etc. I believe that's the closest thing to "closure" you will get. I don't believe you will ever get it from them. That would require some very deep, very introspective soul-searching which, if my ex is a prime example, will probably never happen.

As for myself, I'm totally open to working with my ex if he does ever come back, and can acknowledge his wrongdoings and sincerely apologize. He was mostly "high-functioning", as I've discovered through my research (I know there are some that don't believe in this but my ex fits the description of these types like a textbook case study). He didn't drink, didn't use,, didn't throw tantrums like a three year old or hurt himself (often) or attempt to kill himself. I've never heard him raise his voice, ever. But almost all of the behaviors are there, especially the lying and cheating, the constant push/pull. The more you learn, the more knowledge you have, the easier it will be to help alleviate the pain of what your ex has done.

I don't have any advice for "moving on". I personally do not believe in slamming a door shut and never looking back. But learning about BPD can certainly help you view the situation more objectively.

Some people might suggest you start seeing other people; I've not spoken to my ex in almost eight months and I'm still not at that point, and I'm really not sure if I ever will be again. Maybe it's easier for others. New girl at work been flirting with me though, and I can at least admit I'm somewhat interested. A couple of months ago I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with her, no matter how cute she is. I would hope that's a positive sign. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2017, 11:30:11 AM »

The end result of closure of any kind is that you close the door.  As a metaphor, it's neat and tidy. With any relationship, even one without the challenges and turmoil of BPD, there are so many reasons that prevent closing that door.

When you realize you are not responsible but to yourself and perhaps those that willingly include you in your life, the closure aspect is less necessary.  It's great to learn about BPD, and understand it's efffect on you during and after.

We are people of hope and possibility, and love is a great part of that.

Are you wanting to ask for closure in hopes she will say something so touching and fantastic it will close the door for you? 

Do you think you can actually say something and walk away?
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So many questions
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 140


« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2022, 02:01:16 PM »

Not sure if you still check this but all of this resonated with me so unbelievably much.

I’ve been struggling with blaming myself for not being more carefree. My mind has convinced me if I wouldve just accepted her for her, it would’ve worked. Who cares about the drunk hook ups occasionally if I get to have her by my side. Let her make her own choices and if she still chooses me, that’s okay. Wild thinking I know.

But your story tells me, even had I been that accepting, if I let her do whatever she wanted, as drunk as she wanted, with who she wanted, it still wouldn’t have worked. She would’ve found a way to devalue me still.

She cheated on me the fist month we were together. She recycled her ex behind my back without me knowing. All things I didn’t know till later. But I could tell something was off. I became very insecure and controlling out of fear. And it made everything so much worse.

Thank you for this. It helped me today
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