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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 6  (Read 3250 times)
FallenOne
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« on: January 31, 2017, 10:31:25 AM »

You know what the most disappointing thing is for me right now?

I knew nothing about BPD either... And I feel like if I had, so many issues in my relationship could have been avoided if I had known more about it. It might have saved it...

But, I was made aware of it about a year into the relationship... And I still didn't do enough research or learn enough and took the disorder for granted, thinking that what I knew was enough... .

Now, I finally know enough, and the relationship is over... If I knew then what I know now, it could have possibly been saved. My ignorance in conjunction with all of her disorder symptoms are what ruined it.


Prior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304431.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305602.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305603.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304770.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305606.0
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infjEpic
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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2017, 10:58:46 AM »

It feels as though you are experiencing a lot of guilt and shame.
This is a form of denial & is actually the beginning of the grieving & healing process.

I think educating yourself on BPD will help you a lot.

From someone who has done the self-educating and been where you are now - take it from me - it wasn't your fault.

Being educated on BPD, may have actually made the pain worse.
Because then - you would understand clearly - that it is beyond all of our control.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2017, 01:43:54 PM »

infjEpic <- love this guy's take on things. Would enjoy more of your contributions - your writings really hit home. Would love to see a Surgeons General ClusterB Warning label on dating sites... .I like to tell all my friends that online date about the red flags. I think I might save someone's mental health, and that makes me feel like I did a good thing.
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« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2017, 04:42:53 PM »

Part of the recovery from these relationships is accepting the fact that regardless of the replacement or her, that the relationship was not meant for You.   The success of a relationship cannot be based on the length of it alone, who wants to just tolerate being married for 40 years because they are really too scared to get a divorce or are afraid of what would happen if they did?   
If she does find a R/S with someone else then God bless em, maybe she will leave you alone

As far as the Psych forums, some of those folks have multiple attempts of suicide, are on alot of meds, are in therapy, have been through multiple relationships that ended in them hurting people they really cared about, what do you expect them to say, there is no hope and call Dr kevorkian?    Of course not.    If they had a choice I don't think they would choose to be BPD. 
Keep your head up Matt.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2017, 06:04:18 PM »

Now, I finally know enough, and the relationship is over... If I knew then what I know now, it could have possibly been saved. My ignorance in conjunction with all of her disorder symptoms are what ruined it.
 

       Appears to be a bit of bargaining going on, and I oh so relate to that. Learn a little more, until you know, you are no match for BPD... .You could better serve yourself, by understanding, why you so willingly, entered this relationship... .If not you will probably find yourself, playing the same song, with different instruments.
wish u well peace
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« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2017, 06:18:54 PM »

Excerpt
       Now, I finally know enough, and the relationship is over... If I knew then what I know now, it could have possibly been saved. My ignorance in conjunction with all of her disorder symptoms are what ruined it.           


That's how I feel, I know it's not much help.
I think you are being torn apart as am I.
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loulou73

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« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2017, 07:01:04 PM »

I feel exactly the same way.  I tried to educate myself when I found out about BPD once in the relationship.  Only since it has ended do I feel I really understand.  And I too feel I could have done more had I been where I am now.
It's really hard. 
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2017, 07:26:23 PM »

There are many months of healing ahead and lots of rungs on the ladder. At each rung, you will think you figured it... .and then you will learn more (net rung) and think you have it... .and then another rung... .and another... .

Here is a story.


Your friend gets a really cute mutt puppy at the SPCA - breed unknown. The dog is cute at time and hard to handle at times. Every time you check in on your friend over the next 4 years, you here a story. Cute Christmas doggy photos. Then Dog ate the sofa. Dog bite the child next door. Dog ran away. His kids love the dog. Dog got hit by a car, needs $10,000 surgery. Dog came home bit the owner on the face. Animal control is pressing charges for the child bit. Dog is great running companion.  HOA is angry about dog barking at night and fines owner. Owner goes to court. Dog runs a way for good. Owner is heartbroken for two years after the dog is gone. Owner really wants the dog back. Refuses to get another dog.

You talk to the broken-hearted owner who asks you, what went wrong?

Would you say "it was all the dogs fault? You gave the dog everything a dog could want, nothing would satisfy that dog. End of story."  Hardly. There is something off when someone lives fro crisis to crisis and keeps doing the same thing.

Would you say "the dog conned you, manipulated you, gaslighted you. You couldn't possibly have made sense of any of that."  :)ogs aren't that smart or organized.

Would you say "if you had watched the dog whisperer before you got the dog, this would have been manageable. That's where you came up short. "  But when he discovered that it was a difficult dog, he knew he was not Cesar Millan, or a pro golfer, or an architect - he was just a typical dog owner.

In the last 300 posts in this thread series, these three comments have been made many times.

Was the 4 years really about the dog?  Or is it a much more complex story about a difficult dog and someone with not very good dog skills who went deep into a two -way destructive cycle with a dog (for months and months and crisis after crisis) and couldn't rise above it enough to find a way up (or out). Even after the dog was gone - the destructive cycle was missed.

Is it possible the thing to think about in this story, is what I highlighted in yellow. Why did that happen.

Don't worry about this today. Don't feel a need to deny or agree.

We all have to go up each rung of the ladder. I'm only sharing this to encourage you keep an open mind and to understand that this process like peeling an onion layer by layer, learning more with each layer until you discover who you were in that "event".

When you do, you will have the key to a better relationship life.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2017, 07:53:58 PM »

infjEpic <- love this guy's take on things. Would enjoy more of your contributions - your writings really hit home.

Thank you!
High Five Being cool (click to insert in post)

We all have to go up each rung of the ladder. I'm only sharing this to encourage you keep an open mind and to understand that  this process like peeling an onion layer by layer, learning more with each layer until you discover what happened.

When you do, you will have the key to a better relationship life.

Very interesting post, thank you
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loulou73

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« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2017, 01:09:35 PM »

loved it too, really makes sense.  Thank you   
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FallenOne
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« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2017, 01:51:18 PM »

You could better serve yourself, by understanding, why you so willingly, entered this relationship... .

Because it was fun, it made me feel good, and I hadn't been in a relationship for a few years and was trying to find a girlfriend... .And here comes this girl I was attracted to, had a lot in common with, who WANTED to be around me, wanted to be with me, had a blast with and so on and so forth... What was I going to say "Sorry, but I don't think we can do this... .it's just going too fast... "

No way... I took my chances.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2017, 02:27:52 PM »

Did you feel lonely?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2017, 02:32:02 PM »

At the time, yes.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2017, 03:50:15 PM »

Now, I finally know enough

Respectfully, your posts of the last few days seem to reflect more confusion than understanding about yourself, the relationship, and the disorder. You have said so yourself.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2017, 03:53:32 PM »

I see that you are only about 6-8 wks from last contact. So maybe things are still pretty raw, Ive been there. I read a few of your latest posts, and others trying to explain the illness, it seems you miss a few things about BPD
  
Because it was fun, it made me feel good, and I hadn't been in a relationship for a few years and was trying to find a girlfriend... .And here comes this girl I was attracted to, had a lot in common with,

     When BPD meets a new host, they also believe, they have met their knight in shining armor. If you understand they have a poor sense of self/identity, therefore BPD mirrors you. If your looking at yourself, whats not to like? I hope in the future, you understand what red flags are, and do whats best for you.

What was I going to say "Sorry, but I don't think we can do this... .it's just going too fast...

To be honest, yes. But you decided to keep living the honeymoon period, your choice, so you bare some responsibility for this relationship. When i think of this, if you did slow things down, she most likely would have revealed, a side you didnt see, until later in the relationship

No way... I took my chances.

With no regard for your well being, until it was too late... .Understanding BPD, is the easy part. Understanding yourself, not so easy... .wish u well peace
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« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2017, 03:53:39 PM »

No way... I took my chances.

Then there is a break up, and we are left again with ourselves to manage.
(So we are confronted with the original pain we had that this person allowed us to escape from. Or if there was no original pain, we are still left feeling great loss or revisiting old pains. Or some combo.)

So we are at a fork... .
-So we can face ourselves: our feelings, our grief and do hard the work of detaching.
-Or we can look for a way out of the pain: escape, recycle to stop it, rebound to ignore it, or analyze it to death intellectualizing what happened still avoiding our feelings.

In all fairness, I think my own path of detachment was me moving back and forth from a bit of denial and avoidance, to facing the pain and working with it.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2017, 04:22:18 PM »

At the time, yes.

It's difficult to discuss given the question and word restrictions, but it might help to examine if that loneliness left you more vulnerable. To behaviour another person may not have tolerated.

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FallenOne
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« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2017, 11:30:02 AM »

Respectfully, your posts of the last few days seem to reflect more confusion than understanding about yourself, the relationship, and the disorder. You have said so yourself.

I think I understand but I'm in denial and don't want to accept the truth, and I am still clinging to hope...
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FallenOne
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« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2017, 11:36:49 AM »

Here's the issue with taking it slow, and running at the sign of any red flags...

ALL people have red flags and show signs of red flags... All people move at different paces when beginning a relationship... This is not always a bad thing. This is not always a sign of a disorder or something toxic... Everyone has personal issues and some form of baggage. I have my own.

By running away from people who show red flags or want to take things faster than normal, I'm effectively killing my chances at being with anyone and giving up someone who may be a perfectly normal, caring, and loving person.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2017, 12:12:59 PM »

 Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) New Question: Is it safe to assume that the things she was saying about this ex are things that SHE was actually guilty of and not him?

She always had negative things to say about her past ex's. A few of them she talked about more than others... Some of the others she said nothing about, and I didn't even know who they were.

Her ex who she has a child with, near the beginning of the relationship, she told me that he was "manipulative, abusive, a cheater, a liar" etc...

Is it safe to assume that the things she was saying about this ex are things that SHE was actually guilty of and not him? Is it safe to assume that it was the same situation with him as it was with me?

She's probably saying the same things about me now to her "rescuers" and flying monkey squad I imagine?
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« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2017, 12:31:48 PM »

I don't think it is safe to assume anything.

I don't recall ex saying much about his ex. They were still friends.

I know what ex was telling other women about me as I saw the emails that he wrote to these other women.

Really, what he says about me depends on the situation. I have heard him say great things about me to people that he wants to think of him in a positive light. Oh, he is enlightened and wonderful and has nothing bad to say about me. To other people, he says horrible things about me.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2017, 12:53:46 PM »


Is it safe to assume that the things she was saying about this ex are things that SHE was actually guilty of and not him?

It's impossible to say, some things are imagined, some are projection, some are part of a smear campaign, some are just compulsive lies.
There's probably a kernel of truth somewhere, with extensive lies built on top

Excerpt
Is it safe to assume that it was the same situation with him as it was with me?

Almost certainly.
The difference I guess is that some people are passive, others are reactive.

The R/S with passive people tend to last longer and the BPD usually bails out first.
The reactive people don't last as long, and the Non usually bails first.

I'm passive to a point, then I become reactive. (hence INFJ)

Excerpt
She's probably saying the same things about me now to her "rescuers" and flying monkey squad I imagine?

Some things will be imagined, some will be projection, some will be part of a smear campaign, some will just be compulsive lies.
The cycle continues.

You've seen the light - you get to leave the carousel... .disoriented and confused but you're off.
Meanwhile, some other poor sod is just getting on it
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« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2017, 12:59:43 PM »

Probably a kernel of truth. Maybe a lot of truth. The BPD NPD relationship is very common. In those cases the BPD is the one who gets taken advantage of.

However, it most likely is just a smear campaign. THe BPD doesn't want you forming any kind of relationship with the ex. The BPD is afraid the ex will tell you the truth and wants to keep the two of you at arms distance.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2017, 01:20:06 PM »

Probably a kernel of truth. Maybe a lot of truth. The BPD NPD relationship is very common. In those cases the BPD is the one who gets taken advantage of.

However, it most likely is just a smear campaign. THe BPD doesn't want you forming any kind of relationship with the ex. The BPD is afraid the ex will tell you the truth and wants to keep the two of you at arms distance.

This ex of hers that she has said these things about has been married since sometime after their relationship and has two kids with his wife... They don't seem to have any of the issues that my ax and they had together. He seems like an okay guy actually. He also has full custody of their son, whereas my ex has no custody.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2017, 01:25:10 PM »

The R/S with passive people tend to last longer and the BPD usually bails out first.
The reactive people don't last as long, and the Non usually bails first.

Mine was 4 years and I wasn't passive (all the time)... I also broke up with her a few times before she started breaking up with me. Most of the time, especially in the beginning, I would let things slide and they built and built until I would eventually blow up on her from frustration or just to show her that I had a spine and wasn't going to deal with her anger problems toward me... She seemed to respect me more when I got angry back at her. So I guess I was a combination of both passive and reactive? My personality type is INFP by the way. At least those were the results when I took the test...

I'm passive to a point, then I become reactive. (hence INFJ)

I'm the same way.
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« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2017, 01:31:31 PM »

He drank a lot and pushed her away because of his drinking.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #26 on: February 08, 2017, 09:54:58 AM »

THe BPD doesn't want you forming any kind of relationship with the ex. The BPD is afraid the ex will tell you the truth and wants to keep the two of you at arms distance.

Which is probably why she filed a restraining order against me when I started telling my replacement over facebook about some of her behaviors?
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infjEpic
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« Reply #27 on: February 08, 2017, 10:05:20 AM »

Which is probably why she filed a restraining order against me when I started telling my replacement over facebook about some of her behaviors?

How did her replacement respond to your warnings?
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« Reply #28 on: February 08, 2017, 10:09:35 AM »

Matt, I am so happy to see your post today. I was fearful you might have gotten arrested.

No matter what you tell the replacement you will look like the "crazy ex". You have to remember, many of us on here were the replacement to other ex's. I thought my ex's ex was a rapist who she had a restraining order on. Turns out this woman is quite lovely and a prison psychologist! My ex lied to me to make me her "white knight".

But when I met my ex I ate up what she told me and that is exactly what your replacement is doing. It's not your responsibility to warn or save them. Trust me, they will find out on their own.

I know part of it is you don't want her dating this person. You are jealous and upset it may work with them.

Friend, the proof is in the pudding. She has  A LOT OF ISSUES. You have told us her story and I can guarantee without the right tools and training this guy has no way of fixing her.

There is a RO on you because she has painted herself the victim and he believes it. Do not try to convince him or anyone else otherwise. Walk away and work on you. I know it's hard but it's over and she means it. You owe no one an explanation and you won't fix her opinion of you.

In the greater scheme of things her opinion doesn't matter.

You will see this someday. I promise you will.
 
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FallenOne
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« Reply #29 on: February 08, 2017, 10:09:52 AM »

How did her replacement respond to your warnings?

She said she knew about her mental health issues and they talked about it before... I didn't really point out much, other than obvious and truthful things. I didn't try to form my own smear campaign or anything. I only sent a few messages and pointed out a few facts. She said she already knew that... And she said it wasn't going to change her view of me or my ex.
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