2 months

[15years]

Hi, 

just wanted to check in and say I'm kind of struggling. I haven't communicated with anyone about my problematic rs for almost two months... It's so exhausting to do it, but it's not a great experience to isolate either.
One of the reasons behind this period is that over night she went from raging almost every day to only calmly mentioning things once a week for a month. Something she or me said caused this abrupt change, but that effect is now wearing off.

During this period I've been switching back and forth between feeling optimistic (almost happy sensations) about a future with her, and feeling intense despair about that same possible future. All this time I have never forgotten how disordered she is. But I have been thinking on and off that I can handle it. But actually I can't.


To summarize... These last two months made me feel confused and vulnerable... time to put the armor back on.

[15years]

She's terrible now but despite that I keep switching back and forth between positive and negative emotions about a third child and commitment. I think I am so tired of not deciding. I imagine life much easier if I just choose one. And choosing divorce seems too hard.

On the other hand, I know things wouldn't be easy even if I would commit, she is making that clear by showing of the wide range of her disorder. She has been focusing mostly on the third child issue this year, with that out of the way - I guess she'd have space freed up for other issues.

The victim-perpetrator dynamic is actually quite hard to live with, that's the thing I am least likely to accept living with. It gets so real within the rs. Within that, the rest of the world doesn't exist, so I AM a perpetrator no matter what the rest of the world would think.


I'm not sure what my next step should be...
Sry not much hope and positivity here.

[Notwendy]

I think you have seen enough of your wife's behavior to know what you are dealing with. Your wife has some moments of seemingly "normal" but these aren't permanent changes.SShe focuses on what she believes is the solution to her own emotional discomfort but something external isn't a solution for her own internal emotions or BPD. It may bring temporary relief but then, the focus shifts to something else.

She may want a baby but you know that having a baby won't fix her BPD.

She may have her own issues but you are a part of this too. Sometimes it seems bad enough for you to leave and then, sometimes not and your resolve lessens.

Deciding and taking action is difficult, so is staying and and even deciding one way or the other is challenging. Staying and resisting is emotionally draining conflict.

I think the posters here can empathize with your situation, but only you can decide what to do about it and to not decide is a decision too. It is difficult.

[Dry Bones]

Just want to chime in and say that you're not alone. I can very much relate to not wanting to talk about things, but knowing that isolation is not the answer either. Also, the back and forth. On those good days or even days when I'm at work and not in the immediate path of her rage, I sometimes think that maybe I can tolerate this - just hang in there for the kids. Then, reality hits.

I can confidently say after 13 years that it doesn't fix itself. I use the old rollercoaster analogy. Some stretches may seem fairly smooth, but there is always another sharp drop waiting just down the track.