2 months

[15years]

Hi, 

just wanted to check in and say I'm kind of struggling. I haven't communicated with anyone about my problematic rs for almost two months... It's so exhausting to do it, but it's not a great experience to isolate either.
One of the reasons behind this period is that over night she went from raging almost every day to only calmly mentioning things once a week for a month. Something she or me said caused this abrupt change, but that effect is now wearing off.

During this period I've been switching back and forth between feeling optimistic (almost happy sensations) about a future with her, and feeling intense despair about that same possible future. All this time I have never forgotten how disordered she is. But I have been thinking on and off that I can handle it. But actually I can't.


To summarize... These last two months made me feel confused and vulnerable... time to put the armor back on.

[15years]

She's terrible now but despite that I keep switching back and forth between positive and negative emotions about a third child and commitment. I think I am so tired of not deciding. I imagine life much easier if I just choose one. And choosing divorce seems too hard.

On the other hand, I know things wouldn't be easy even if I would commit, she is making that clear by showing of the wide range of her disorder. She has been focusing mostly on the third child issue this year, with that out of the way - I guess she'd have space freed up for other issues.

The victim-perpetrator dynamic is actually quite hard to live with, that's the thing I am least likely to accept living with. It gets so real within the rs. Within that, the rest of the world doesn't exist, so I AM a perpetrator no matter what the rest of the world would think.


I'm not sure what my next step should be...
Sry not much hope and positivity here.

[Notwendy]

I think you have seen enough of your wife's behavior to know what you are dealing with. Your wife has some moments of seemingly "normal" but these aren't permanent changes.SShe focuses on what she believes is the solution to her own emotional discomfort but something external isn't a solution for her own internal emotions or BPD. It may bring temporary relief but then, the focus shifts to something else.

She may want a baby but you know that having a baby won't fix her BPD.

She may have her own issues but you are a part of this too. Sometimes it seems bad enough for you to leave and then, sometimes not and your resolve lessens.

Deciding and taking action is difficult, so is staying and and even deciding one way or the other is challenging. Staying and resisting is emotionally draining conflict.

I think the posters here can empathize with your situation, but only you can decide what to do about it and to not decide is a decision too. It is difficult.

[Dry Bones]

Just want to chime in and say that you're not alone. I can very much relate to not wanting to talk about things, but knowing that isolation is not the answer either. Also, the back and forth. On those good days or even days when I'm at work and not in the immediate path of her rage, I sometimes think that maybe I can tolerate this - just hang in there for the kids. Then, reality hits.

I can confidently say after 13 years that it doesn't fix itself. I use the old rollercoaster analogy. Some stretches may seem fairly smooth, but there is always another sharp drop waiting just down the track.

[15years]

Thanks notwendy and Dry Bones

She has presented a plan...  she wants the third baby to be born in the spring or summer, so she says she wants us to start trying in April, and have protected sex until then... I'm tempted to say yes just to postpone the problem, but months pass quickly. And if I agree she will feel that I have taken advantage of her if I don't follow up on the making a baby plan...


What would a person who is feeling content and grounded in reality do in my position?


Meanwhile my mental health isn't fine, I try to escape from reality while I long to live in reality at the same time. I'm so afraid I'm wasting away my life and robbing my children of a safe and stable childhood. Things seem so safe and happy at times, I think the worst part is that so much is built upon the foundation that I keep myself together, but I'm not in a good place to do that even if I still do it. I want to never lash out and never feel scared and always feel happy but I fail too much. I can't even directly pinpoint what causes my anxiety right now.
Anyone seen the Netflix show Baby reindeer? When the stalker stopped harassing him on email for a while he felt devastated, and he figured it was because he didn't know what mood she was in. I feel most safe when she has a stable level of dysregulationm, then I adopt some false sense of calm and maturity. Next best is when there's very little dysregulation, worst are the day after a big scene especially ones that robs me of sleep.

[Notwendy]

What would a person who is feeling content and grounded in reality do in my position?


Meanwhile my mental health isn't fine, I try to escape from reality while I long to live in reality at the same time. I'm so afraid I'm wasting away my life and robbing my children of a safe and stable childhood. Things seem so safe and happy at times, I think the worst part is that so much is built upon the foundation that I keep myself together, but I'm not in a good place to do that even if I still do it. I want to never lash out and never feel scared and always feel happy but I fail too much. I can't even directly pinpoint what causes my anxiety right now.
Anyone seen the Netflix show Baby reindeer? When the stalker stopped harassing him on email for a while he felt devastated, and he figured it was because he didn't know what mood she was in. I feel most safe when she has a stable level of dysregulationm, then I adopt some false sense of calm and maturity. Next best is when there's very little dysregulation, worst are the day after a big scene especially ones that robs me of sleep.

I think your question - what would someone content and grounded do is complicated.  Even someone who is at their foundation- not mentally ill- can be affected by their circumstances and have depression and anxiety in response to them. I think what is significant here is that you recognize that your marriage is taking an emotional toll on you. You know what the issue is. However, you are also feeling emotionally worn down to where you don't feel you have the emotional reserves to change the situation. Defaulting to "agreement" with her wishes is a way to temporarily reduce the pressure on you but in the long term- there's an emotional cost to that for you too.

The two of you are both in a self reinforcing behavior pattern. It follows the definition of an addiction- even if drugs or alcohol are not involved. All addictions are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings. For all behaviors, if the "payoff" exceeds the "cost" the behavior continues, even if the cost is adverse effects. (we know that there's physical affects of drugs and alcohol but people can remain addicted to them).

Hers: PwBPD have difficulty managing their uncomfortable feelings. Your wife projects them- externalizes them- to something she wants to have. At the time, she believes this is the solution to her feelings- she has to have it- like an addict has to have a fix, because it brings her temporary relief of the feelings. Like a drug though, the "fix" is temporary and eventually she will need something else she believes is a fix. At the moment, it's a child, but it's also been other things. She will be very persistent to attain the current "fix" as a solution to her emotional suffering.

Your "fix" is a moment of peace, as you are emotionally stressed and eventually her persistance becomes too much, so you give in just to stop it.  At the moment now, you give in just to stop the persistence. This also fits the definition of addiction- in the moment, you feel relief, and an escape from the discomfort. There's more to this though- it's hard to see someone we care about in emotional discomfort. We want to fix this for them. When my BPD mother "achieves" what she wants, there's a sense of calm about her for a short while. I can understand how this may feel good to be able to do this for them.

Each of your behaviors reinforces the other. How do you stop this double cycle? You are the one who is self aware and feeling the emotional toll of this behavior, so it depends on what you are willing/able to do. Hopefully your therapist can assist you with this.

[ForeverDad]

Hers: PwBPD have difficulty managing their uncomfortable feelings. Your wife projects them- externalizes them- to something she wants to have. At the time, she believes this is the solution to her feelings- she has to have it- like an addict has to have a fix, because it brings her temporary relief of the feelings. Like a drug though, the "fix" is temporary and eventually she will need something else she believes is a fix. At the moment, it's another child, but it's also been other things. She will be very persistent to attain the current "fix" as a solution to her emotional suffering.

Your "fix" is a moment of peace, as you are emotionally stressed and eventually her persistence becomes too much, so you give in just to stop it.  At the moment now, you give in just to stop the persistence. This also fits the definition of addiction- in the moment, you feel relief, and an escape from the discomfort. There's more to this though- it's hard to see someone we care about in emotional discomfort. We want to fix this for them... I can understand how this may feel good to be able to do this for them.

Each of your behaviors reinforces the other. How do you stop this double cycle? You are the one who is self aware and feeling the emotional toll of this behavior, so it depends on what you are willing/able to do. Hopefully your therapist can assist you with this.

You registered here nearly 3 years ago, so now you could be 18years? My story: I was married for over 15 years, then separated for a few months, then divorce took 2 years.  The final decree was two days after my 18th anniversary.  Despite the bitterness during all that time, she called me up, really cheerful, and asked whether we could have our anniversary dinner.  I don't know whether she really was cheerful, but it seemed so.  I was driving then so I prevaricated and gave her the news that court had issued the final decree.

Most of our divorces take at least a year, some take two years, like mine, and a few take a little longer.  What I'm saying is that if you had recovered enough here in peer support and followed through back then, almost certainly your divorce would have been final by now.

My gentle comment is that waiting didn't help much, did it?  You are still struggling, right?  And now she's back on her favorite topic, having yet another child in a dysfunctional family.  Your kids are in school now, or nearly so.  If you do have another child together, it would take nearly a year to be born, then for years it will be growing from a baby to a toddler to a preschooler.  Based on your past few years here, having another baby (and all the guilting and obligation that would cast upon you) would make you struggle even harder than now to find recovery in your life.

It's understandable you don't want to upset the current holidays but soon they will be past, what will you do in the new year?