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Tessi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« on: June 27, 2017, 09:28:00 AM »

Hi. I'm new to this site and looking for knowledge. My live in boyfriend is moving out over something that he has blown out of proportion and interpreted as my betrayal. He is angry that I have not "protected" him from this apparent hurt and says he needs a "safe place." He blames me for his pain yet expects our relationship to continue. His mother has BPD and obviously did not protect him as a child. I'm caught in his cycle of distorted reality, emotional abuse and mixed messages. I love him. If only he could change... .Everytime I try to let him go, I get sucked back in. I feel like I'm the crazy one. Comments?
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Jim579
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2017, 10:08:53 AM »

Hi Tessi,

I'm slowly making progress on this stuff, too (theoretically, anyway).  I have to leave in just a moment, but I wanted to at least say hi, and welcome.

My live in boyfriend is moving out [... .]

<snip>

 I love him.


This is simplifying things greatly, I know, but let me ask anyway:  Okay, so what?  If he needs some extra space, and you love him, is that okay?  Would you feel less pressure, i.e. better, if you had more space?  I'm not addressing any other aspects here, intentionally.  Let's assume the relationship is still on.  Is him moving out, for right now, a problem?

Will write more later.  Hang in there!
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AnuDay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost Recovered
Posts: 240


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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2017, 10:26:07 AM »

Hello, and Welcome to the Club.

Has he ever been in treatment? 
Will he accept going to treatment?

What about couples therapy?   
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Tessi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2017, 10:40:04 AM »

He has had some counseling, but needs more. He knows he's a product of his past. He thinks our problem is that he keeps attracting the same type of women and they keep hurting him. I (and some of his friends) think that he is projecting unhealthy emotions from his mother onto me. I am not mean. I cannot protect him, therefore to blame me for not protecting him is useless and confusing. He thinks if I don't protect him, I don't love him enough.
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Tessi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2017, 11:58:55 AM »

So my bf isn't moving out until next month and meanwhile he is acting like things are "normal". He still expects us to socialize with friends and to keep all the plans we have made for the summer. He is even planning for the future and says that this isn't a break up. I am heart broken and cannot understand these mixed messages. I love him but know I am destined to keep being recycled. I don't have the strength to walk away as long as he loves me. I am so sad knowing that in a month he will be moved out. I walk around the house and imagine all of his stuff gone. I feel so week for not telling him to leave now and making a clean break. I just keep clinging to hope that he will change. It's emotionally destroying me. He is not in counseling right now and we don't have a safe place to talk. Should I talk to him about my feelings? He is in self preservation mode now, and is moving to his own place so he can be "safe".
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BeagleGirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 570



« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2017, 01:26:44 PM »

I don't have the strength to walk away as long as he loves me.

He is in self preservation mode now, and is moving to his own place so he can be "safe".

I think these two statements are a good place to start.

Step 1 is to decide that you are responsible for your own feelings and actions, and he is responsible for his.  This is WAY easier said than done, but is critical no matter what direction your relationship takes.

It may be true that you don't have the "strength" to leave right now.  It may also be true that the "love" he shows you is enough to keep you from building the strength or plan necessary to change the terms of the relationship.  It sometimes takes stepping back from the hurt you are feeling to regain better understanding.  In my opinion, that's the positive of what BF is proposing.  He wants to create some space and is communicating to you that he feels that space will help the relationship in the long term. 

Now for the flip side of the situation.  BF has a right to create a "safe" space for himself.  SO DO YOU.  If the current situation does not feel "safe" to you, it is okay for you to address the issues that are making you feel "unsafe". 

If pretending that everything is okay today and will be in the future (for the events he's planning) creates a lot of stress for you, it's okay for you to say something.  This is a great place to try out "what do I say" and get feedback on how to frame your statements in a way that is most likely to be heard and understood by pwBPD.

I think that it's reasonable to minimize the "limbo" that you are in.  If things are so bad that BPDbf feels the need to move out, things should not be "normal" and one or the other of you may want to figure out a way to split sooner.  If things are tolerable enough for BPDbf to act "normal" then why is he planning to move out?  If he wants to move out and end the relationship, that seems reasonable.  If he is moving out but still wants to keep the relationship, what are the issues he wants addressed that the separation will help with and which of them can be addressed now while the two of you are still under one roof?

I'm really glad you found this site.  There are tons of resources and the people on here have a wealth of experience and wisdom in pretty much any situation you may find yourself in.  That said, I do think it's important to consider having a trained therapist in your toolbox.  Even if BPDbf doesn't want to see a therapist or couple's counselor a professional can help you navigate these difficult situations.

BeagleGirl

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Tessi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2017, 06:57:52 PM »

I believe he is moving out because I set a boundary and would not back down. (I allowed my college son to move back home for the summer) Bf said I broke my "promise" and he feels betrayed, can't trust me to protect him. Although there were growing pains last summer, the kid loves bf and feelings are mutual. The reoccurring theme of "trust" and "betrayal" come up constantly. Ironically, they will both be moving out at the same time. How do I talk to him about this?
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Jim579
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2017, 10:02:52 AM »

Tessi, how are things now?  Did bf move out?  Does it feel better--or worse--now, compared with when you last wrote?
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Tessi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2017, 12:24:39 PM »

Hi. I really appreciate all of the wisdom on this board. Things have calmed down at home and bf no longer wants to move out. I feel better, but know it will happen again... .if I allow it. Such is the cycle. Because of this site, I handled things differently this time, however. I tried to validate his feelings without moving my boundaries. We both agree that we cannot go back and forth and we need to do things differently. He made an appointment with his counselor he saw many years ago and wants me to come. He has not been diagnosed BPD and believes our problems are couple problems. Although I don't discount that we have normal couple issues, it is evident that he has BPD behavior. I plan to address specific behaviors, not BPD suspiciouns, and just hope his counselor is intuitive. I think I will bring up that his mom is BPD just to start the discussion. What do you think?
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