Has anyone had any success at being friends with their ex pwBPD?

[byfaith]

I know what the majority of the answers will probably be.

I am just curious if it ever worked/works for anyone here.

Thanks for any feedback

BF

[Skip]

I was advised by a lawyer (not mine) that I should not let my wife [of six years] know where I am moving to. Also if she finds out where I am living that I should not allow her into my apartment. I think both are provoking moves. Maybe let her know that my lawyer advised me that by moving out that I should not, at least until the divorce is final, have you come to my place. I will just say I am doing what my lawyer is telling me. If I knew I did not have to go back to the house for anything this would not be an issue.

I stayed in touch and stayed involved with her children.

byfaith, there are certainly couples who learn to be amicable - although its usually a months after the divorce. Family court is so hostile, its hard to bounce out of that and be chummy. And, there are couples that never see each other again and resentments grow and fester even more after the divorce. As  general statement, pwBPD often split their partner and can be mortally wounded by rejection or feelings of shame, and will more often sever all ties.

Children can often have a lot to do with this. On your case, how close are your adult children to her? Without that link, it's harder. What is the common ground for saying in touch?

And the animosity of the marriage and the divorce plays a big part.

You seem to have a good sense of things that are unnecessarily antagonist and try to avoid them.

It's a relatively short marriage. What are you hoping for?

[Mutt]

I just want to reiterate what Skip said, I'm friendly towards my exuBPDw but I don't consider us as friends.

I have a lot of boundaries when it comes to her because she's undiagnosed, untreated and doesn't think that she has issues, what she gives is not proportionate with what she takes, it's not something that I'll tolerate today.

I don't speak badly about her in front of the kids, we just go along like it always was before someone told me that they think that she may have BPD, she's their mother, they look up to her and don't think about her differently although the oldest does get confused with mom's behaviors sometimes. I guess you could say that we're on friendly terms and I don't want to be split black like I was when we broke up because it was a lot different than the previous splits, it last for a couple of years and one day she said something that hinted at that I was split white, splitting doesn't all at once, it takes time. It's difficult enough to coparent when you're split white and I don't need to make things more difficult by being split black.

There was a time that I wanted to be friends with my exuBPDw too but by the time that I was turned white it's not something that I wanted anymore I had processed a lot of the grief by then and had put things into it's proper perspective, I was moving on.

My point is there may be a time further down the road where you're not going to feel the same way that you do today about friendship.

[Insom]

My BPD-ex made it clear that we would not be friends if/when we split up.  I think this is because he'd seen other relationships where the guy stuck around as a friend after the breakup and he very much did not want to be placed in that role by a romantic partner.  (Friends without benefits?)  We were both pretty young at the time. 

[kc sunshine]

I've had moderate success-- though I moved to a different city so that probably helped put a friendly distance between us. I've struggled with detaching though and being in touch as friends have both helped and hurt that process. I am glad we are friendly but sometimes it sets me up for more sadness (e.g. it was just my birthday and she didn't reach out, which hurt even though it is such a minor thing). I think in the big picture it is good, though.

[patientandclear]

I had a well-chronicled (on here) friendship of 15 months with my BPD ex, with a few brief interludes of us trying to figure out since then how we might be in each other's lives.  In our case, it didn't work, because he aggressively pursued a relationship-like intimacy with me, but then wouldn't accord it the status or acknowledgement that, for me, go along with that degree of intimacy.  I tried all manner of adjustments -- application of boundaries, reducing contact to something more appropriate to the friendship he said it was.  But the truth was he was very dedicated to stealing from me emotionally.  I could have kept fencing him out of my inner spaces, as a boundary appropriate to his level of commitment, but then what would be the point?  The more I kept him at bay the more he turned on the charm and the heat to get back "in," and I began to see that, while that might stroke my ego, there was something fundamentally not OK about what was happening.  He was using my love and care for him, and I didn't want to be used.  I didn't want to offer what I was offering to someone who was basically dishonest with me and with himself about what was going on with us, and who was actively pursuing other partners.

Had he wanted and been content with a more casual acquaintance I was open to that after about a year.  We had worked together for many years and before the love affair, had been close and valued colleagues, so I worked hard to salvage something.  His lack of emotional honesty about what was going on between us made me eventually give up.

[byfaith]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.

When I moved out of the house I expected things to get really nasty but they did not. I always expect the worse and hope for the best.
I moved to an apartment close to my work (30 miles from my house)

I go back to the house on Saturdays and mow the grass and do other things that need done there. I stay there on Saturday evening because I go to my church on Sunday morning. Of course I sleep in a separate room.

My thought is that when the comfort of her and her son living in the house is over and the financial support from me is gone then the dynamics will change.

This has been a process for me and I am sure each step of the way I will understand what I need to do or what I am able to do and not do.

Have to be honest here. When I moved up to this apartment I have dealt with loneliness but I am doing things that have helped me. It is not a loneliness that makes me want to be back with her. It has just been an adjustment. Her son who lived with us has paranoid SZ. I know that man deals with loneliness and I feel for him, even though his living with us caused a great wedge in our marriage.

Part of me wants to be able to be there for these people in the future if I can be it may not be possible. People need friends. I want to be one if I can.

My point is there may be a time further down the road where you're not going to feel the same way that you do today about friendship.

Mutt you are probably right

[Mutt]

Part of me wants to be able to be there for these people in the future if I can be it may not be possible. People need friends. I want to be one if I can.

I think that this is a good discussion because we can look at what are healthy and unhealthy r/s.

Was it a r/s with her? Was it a reciprocal r/s? Did she respect you? You want to pull the really good people closer to you and have boundaries with people that have bad behaviours, a simple explanation of boundaries is that it keeps the good stuff in and bad stuff out.

[Skip]

My friendship was largely transitional.

There were two boys who needed continuity and support and were at that critical juncture of applying for college and moving away.

At the same time, I felt that I needed to slowly sink pretty far into the background because there could be a significant imbalance once a new love interest became involved (and the idealizations, etc.).

That plan worked out pretty well.

[flourdust]

Hi, byfaith. I think you are being a little premature in your ruminations. Friendship of some form or other may be possible in the future with your ex, but right now you are in the middle of a contentious divorce. Focus on what you need to be doing now, and don't try to be unnecessarily generous in the hope that this will lay the ground for a future friendship.

[byfaith]

thanks everyone for your advice,

I wish people close to me (like my mom) would have discussions like this with me. I just got off the phone with my mom and got my a$$ raked over the coals. I was called naive, soft weak.

I "understand" where people are coming from. I wish people understood where I am coming from.

I told her that I was tired of being called weak and soft all of my life. I said from dad to you to my younger sister... .then it digressed into " yeah and it started with your dad and you did nothing but kiss his ass" I didn't get a chance to tell her how bad she degraded me yet I still tried to win her approval or " kiss her a$$"

not a good morning, too much crap came flooding back to me.

somehow I have to take what she said and apply some of the truth and work on my situation

[Mutt]

Hi byfaith,

I'm sorry that you're having a tough morning. I can relate with your post, I know how painful it is to not get validated by a parent and repeatedly get invalidated, it's like they can't see me for who I am not matter what I do.

If we break down what your mom said naive, soft weak.

Is it a realistic portrait? I think it's missing positive assets. In Margalis Fjelstad, PhD book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, one of the strategies suggested when you're with a pwBPD is to get out and spend time with family and friends to get positive feedback because a pwBPD say mostly negative things to the non, it's not realistic, it's distortion, if you keep listening to that it's going to effect your esteem.

I think that a break-up with a pwBPD is very difficult and people that have not gone through the experience can't grasp the scope of the pain. Here's an example, you have to have gone through a divorce to understand how difficult of a life event that is, someone that hasn't gone through it, can't empathize with you because they don't have the experience, members that are on this board can empathize with you because we share similar experiences.

Aside from your parents do you have friends or another family member that listens?

[RomanticFool]

Hi byfaith,

I've been involved in a very difficult affair with my exuBPDmarried lover who tried to take her own life a few months ago. This was after I had split up from her for a few months. Even though she blamed me for the suicide attempt, I don't think I was the reason she tried to take her own life. She is often in crisis and on that occasion she felt lonely and disconnected from the world.

Now I have reconnected with her and have been on cordial/friendly terms with her and guess what? She is still suicidal. My point is that whatever problems exist in a r/s with a pwBPD are often to do with their issues related to the illness and nothing you do or say will change their mindset. Therefore it is a very flimsy basis for friendship. What we have lapsed into is me being somebody she can talk to when feeling desperate - if she feels like it.

I often find that there is no correlation between one day and the next. For example the last three days she has been relatively stable and today she has gone back into the depressive state again. Even if and when she eventually comes out of it the only r/s that will be possible is one that revolves around her pathology on her terms.

This has all left me feeling tired and empty. Where once this person filled up my senses and contributed to a wonderful intense love affair, now all that is left is a woman who is constantly depressed/suicidal and unsatisfied. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her personality disorder. I feel very sorry for her and I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but there isn't. All I can do is try to not make them worse, which in this case means staying away from her unless she contacts me to talk - and the conversations are usually very brief and about her.

[AnuDay]

 Ditto,  For me it's about what kind of friend I want.  If you are ok with being used I could see keeping them as a friend.  Having a friend that is incapable of compassion, incapable of seeing things 50/50 is just unacceptable to me.  I have so much more self-esteem and self-regard to ever go through with that again.

[Skip]

Ditto,  For me it's about what kind of friend I want.  If you are ok with being used I could see keeping them as a friend.  Having a friend that is incapable of compassion, incapable of seeing things 50/50 is just unacceptable to me.  I have so much more self-esteem and self-regard to ever go through with that again.

Post relationship friendships are not friendships in traditionally sense of our close friends - it's developing a mutual respect and the ability to interface amicably in a limited context - operating in similar social circles, raising kids, family events.

The concept of having "intimacy" (which is what is mentioned by some here) is really not the scope of a post relationship friendship.

I ran into an ex last week... .we stopped on the street, talked for about three minutes... .had a few laughs... .we parted by saying "lets keep in touch".  I don't think either of us is planning to call the other... .but that option is there.  The most important thing - the resentment and tension are gone.

[Turkish]

You've got a lot of kids in the mix here,  including her son with a disability. 

Being cordial given the kids is one thing. 

Being friendly is another. 

Being friends is a higher level. 

How do you define being friends?

To crib my Christian therapist,  no fan of the kids' mother, "there's nothing wrong with being kind." This doesn't define friendship though, but it helps. 

[Idsrvt2]

So far I have not had any luck.  I tried to approach my x regarding the mail since he is still my mailman and he barely uttered a word.
I have since heard he is fearfulmof an x that can sprint... .I never heard him tell that story so I assume that x is me since I ran track in school... .my x is very paranoid and thinks everyone is out to harm him.  I think this comes from deep routed trauma long before my time.

When he is in an up mood he is great, but that never lasts and then the depressed, cowardly person surfaces.   The person that would make me laugh and help me is gone now... .I don't think for me he can be friends with me as he can't even briefly interact and just walks by my house like I never existed.   

I've also found out he uses his story to manipulate people ...
at some point I will need to have a discussion with him... .and I'm all for being cordial ... I'm just not sure he is ready for that at all.   I mean he went from wanting peace to getting a RO on me overnight ... .why a guy with fifty firearms needed a RO on me I have no clue .   
So that's my experience so far.   

[Sunfl0wer]

My most recent ex, nope, we have NC at all.  I wish we could be friends, but wouldn't happen because I am painted black... .it is how he needs to see me.  And like others said... .I only imagine the same dynamics of competing emotional needs would also play out in a friendship with him... .leaving us doing a similar "dysfunctional dance" that we have done in more intimate dynamics.

Now I do have an ex from over 15 yrs ago who has uHPD.  He and I can talk amicably just fine.  He still has the same traits though: needs to be the center of attention, gregarious, lies for affect to tell a story, etc.

So long as I RA that I will be almost invisible in our interactions and I can be content to just really listen to his stories, we get along fairly ok.(I spent years tho addressing boundary issues and being so so so very consistent) Yet, how long can that last?  At some point I desire friends in my life that have more emotional reciprocal dynamics.  I won't get that from him.

Yet, I do not mind touching bases with him once every so many months, occasionally.  We used to speak more often, but it has faded over time due to there really not being much value to it all... .we both faded... .lost common interests.

[Hopefulgirl]

I've tried to be. I know he's been through some stressful times and I've been there for him. But it always seems to be a one-way Street. When I really needed him as a friend, a car accident, depression, family stuff, he wasn't there for me, he wouldn't even respond to text messages. One week he'll tell me that I mean the world to him, the next he acts like he's indifferent or even mad at me out of completely nowhere. His girlfriend does not want him to see or speak to me so I'm pretty sure he won't be a friend, to please her and not jeopardize that relationship. It makes me very very sad. No one understands it, but I do miss talking to him. Some days I miss him so much I just cry myself to sleep.

[empathic]

  byfaith

Similar story here. Separated over a year now, and live in a new house about 5 km away. I often go to my old house. Take care of some stuff around the house (like mowing the lawn) if needed. I think of it as doing the kids a service also. But I don't know, I just like to help out, and it's not like I have a very active social life - it makes me feel appreciated in a way.

My mother and sister do not understand it at all, they think I should cut contact completely (apart from cooperating about the kids). Like you say, it would have been nice to be able to discuss this with my relatives in a constructive way.

[Ripped Heart]

I thought I'd swing by to see how things were going and this post has resonated with me as there are many thoughtful answers. I guess the key question is what you would describe as "friends" and the other question is what would you hope to achieve from this friendship?

I still have a relationship of sorts with my exBPD which could be considered friendly. By that I mean, after 2-3 years, I get the occasional message, random phone call at 3am in the morning about once or twice every 6 months. I don't answer the calls but I do respond to the message in my own time.

I ask her how she is doing, how her kids are and what's new, just as you would do meeting an acquaintance in the street. She tells me all about how wonderful her life is (which I know is not entirely true, otherwise she wouldn't be reaching out), then I tell her I'm really pleased everything is great and that it was lovely to hear from her. And that's it then for another 6 months, I get on with my life and she gets on with hers. It's short, it's simple and it's friendly. No emotional drama's, anger or chaos and safe boundaries.

So in that sense, it could be seen as a successful friendship but not in the way you would generally think of one.

The most important thing out of all of it, is for you to be in a place where you feel comfortable, then re-assess the situation.

[Sunfl0wer]

No emotional drama's, anger or chaos and safe boundaries.

I mean... .  I guess if you don't mind the calls at 3 am 2-4 x's a year. 

[byfaith]

Thank you for all of the replies,

It has been over a month since my last post on this topic. Since then we have had mediation (Sept 19). The previous mediation was supposed to take place back on June 28 which she cancelled. Stalling going on. We reached an agreement during the Sept 19 meeting.

I am hopeful this week she will sign it and then get it signed by judge fairly quick. She gets to live in the house for a year and I have to pay her transitional alimony. I get the house after the year.

I was just seeing how this would play out. It has been amicable. I will be permitted to take care of the house during the year.

I realize that in the long run we will not be friends in the traditional sense. Right now I am just keeping it so I can to go to the house when needed without major conflict.

She texted me on Saturday and just said " awesome day today isn't it?" I replied "Yes it is!"  that was it. I was driving to mountains with my daughter.

Then I texted her yesterday and asked if I could come by and put salt in the softer, she was like "well of course, I will be leaving soon and (son) is asleep" Her son sleeps mostly during day.  She told me that there was something there to eat if I wanted it.   

She has been non confrontational but we really do not have any "friend" conversations. It's really not my hope that we remain friends. I am just doing what I need to do for my own sake right now. I am keeping proper boundaries.


BF


 

[JohnLove]

While I'm very pleased to hear that most on this thread have reached a somewhat compatible and happy medium with their BPDex, I feel the definition of friendship is being stretched way beyond what most would define as friendship.

For me, that was the really disappointing part. There was mateship... .but genuine friendship, even during the relationship, I'm not so sure

[vanx]

I think that friendship, which she has offered, is a gesture to keep the peace and not have things be uncomfortable when we see each other at work. She's made certain remarks concerning the friendship that are basically she could take it or leave it. She hasn't expressed anything like she missed hanging out or wants my company. It just doesn't feel so hot so I declined her suggestion. I think a friendship would have similar problems as our romance. I'm sad. If I had known, I would have rather been friends in the first place, though I wonder too how that would have gone. I think I just need to know she likes me and cares about me, but a lot of her words and behavior are contrary to that.

[confusedbloke]

I think the only way you can be friends is when you're over them... .same as any ex... .coz it not emotionally involved anymore

[Lost-love-mind]

I think the only way you can be friends is when you're over them... .same as any ex... .coz it not emotionally involved anymore

That is a very profound point.
I've ruminated over contacting her and finally sent an email after 6 weeks of nc.
After receiving good advice, if she wants nc , then I need to respect it.
I'm still planning on going to events she might be at and will just stay away from her.
I'd rather not be humiliated any longer by falling into her web of vile comments about being a loser with no life for still caring about her. Yep, that was her last email to me.

[Pedro]

My ex has tried to be friends 6 months post break up. We still cohabit 6 months till she returns home in USA in 10 days time. I wouldn't let her have the privilege of that after ending our 6 year relationship. I am polite mature and sensible in a general context of things but on a personal level no way. I wouldn't let her keep me at arms length if things didn't work out with my replacement. I wouldn't let it happen because it would only be her best interests what suits her best and nothing else.