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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I want to detach. How should I approach it?  (Read 455 times)
xyz-Girl
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 80


« on: February 18, 2018, 10:34:07 AM »

Hello,

I have been in denial for the last 2 weeks and talking to my ex but i think it is time to move on. I am struggling bc his behavior is so confusing, he is just not sure if he wants to be with me anymore out of the blue and i find it very hard to just accept the fact that he is looking into dating other girls already and he is lying to me to just have me on the side i guess. We are far apart and this whole situation has done a lot of damage to my emotional state. what can i do to just let go of him? I think i am going to start NC tomorrow, after i tell him to mail me my stuff. he has a lot of stuff in his place. how should i approach this situation?
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Speck
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Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2018, 12:18:29 PM »

Hello, xyz-Girl!

It sounds like you've got some good ideas already about detaching.

1.) You've decided this relationship is not working for you, and have vocalized this.

2.) You want your stuff back. This is normal and healthy.

3.) You are actively contemplating letting him go.

4.) You've decided for self protection to go NC.  This is also very healthy for YOU.

Perhaps, just go about it like this: Ask for your things back, avoid being roped into any drama, then go limited contact until those things arrive safely back into your possession. After this has transpired, go full NC in order to carve out some mental space for yourself so that you may get down to the brass tacks of truly detaching.

I'm glad you're here! I'm sure other members here have other useful suggestions as well.

It sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck
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TheTruth

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2018, 01:16:22 PM »

I'm in  the same situation  somewhat. I still have a whole house full of things left behind. I find clarity in the moments of NC . The advice I've been given is good. Get your stuff , focus on healing yourself and go NC is the best approach. I'm not succeeding in all aspects though haha.
For me, I try to understand that nothing the pwBPD is doing has anything to do with who I am.
It's not your fault., often they do and say things just to hurt you. Protect yourself the best you can. It's a terrible disorder , but you are making the right choice to escape the toxic effects it is having on you and your soul.
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xyz-Girl
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 80


« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2018, 01:55:05 PM »

Hello, xyz-Girl!

It sounds like you've got some good ideas already about detaching.

1.) You've decided this relationship is not working for you, and have vocalized this.

2.) You want your stuff back. This is normal and healthy.

3.) You are actively contemplating letting him go.

4.) You've decided for self protection to go NC.  This is also very healthy for YOU.

Perhaps, just go about it like this: Ask for your things back, avoid being roped into any drama, then go limited contact until those things arrive safely back into your possession. After this has transpired, go full NC in order to carve out some mental space for yourself so that you may get down to the brass tacks of truly detaching.

I'm glad you're here! I'm sure other members here have other useful suggestions as well.

It sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck


Thanks you for your advice, i did ask for it but he has not yet mail them. I am contemplating the idea of going there and picking my stuff myself. He has no plans to keep my stuffs but i feel i need to take everything from his place in order to start moving on for real. I still have a lot of hope in me that it can work out but i want to start feeling better and i guess the only way is to just start thinking that it is over. Should i go?
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 02:05:55 PM »

I'd go with a friend or family member to keep him in check what I mean is a pwBPD act out on the people that are closest to them and usually don't make it a public display. I think that it would make an easier transaction with a support person than going on your own and facing him - he might have a trantrum, dysregulate etc.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
xyz-Girl
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 02:09:41 PM »

I'd go with a friend or family member to keep him in check what I mean is a pwBPD act out on the people that are closest to them and usually don't make it a public display. I think that it would make an easier transaction with a support person than going on your own and facing him - he might have a trantrum, dysregulate etc.

I don't think he would do that. he has never shown any trait of uncontrollable anger towards me and i guess we are in good terms about the break up but you are right i will see if someone can go with me Smiling (click to insert in post) thanks for the thought
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Speck
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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2018, 03:13:13 PM »

Excerpt
Should i go?

If your ex suffers with BPD, then I would say to not hold out hope that he will mail your stuff back to you (in a timely manner or at all). The smarter/more efficient play is probably going to get your stuff yourself, that way you are taking action instead of depending on him. However, like Mutt says, bringing a buddy is probably a good idea, as doing so will limit any extraneous behavior or unhappy displays from your ex.

Hang in there.


-Speck
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xyz-Girl
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 80


« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2018, 04:09:20 PM »

If your ex suffers with BPD, then I would say to not hold out hope that he will mail your stuff back to you (in a timely manner or at all). The smarter/more efficient play is probably going to get your stuff yourself, that way you are taking action instead of depending on him. However, like Mutt says, bringing a buddy is probably a good idea, as doing so will limit any extraneous behavior or unhappy displays from your ex.

Hang in there.


-Speck

Thank you, I think I need to go too. It is so hard to let go of him, but I need to start doing so soon and keeping my stuff out of his place finally will also make everything feel more real.
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Speck
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 09:29:28 PM »

Thank you, I think I need to go too.

Just so I fully understand your meaning, when you say that you need to "go," do you mean that you need to end the relationship?

If so, then, you are most certainly on the right board, as we are all at some level of detaching here, and can help you better when that impetus becomes an imperative. And, also, if so, I applaud your courage to simply say (type) it out loud.  That is the first step.

One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what (or who) is hurting your heart and your soul.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck
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