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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: You would have been proud of me...  (Read 998 times)
MeandThee29
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« on: March 14, 2018, 01:41:01 PM »

My pwBPD demanded money for setting up his household above what he already took out of our joint savings months ago because he rented a brand new furnished place in a fancy, gated community and had to get linens, rugs, dishes, etc. He totalled what he spent down to the penny, and it's 1/3 of what I make annually with my two part-time jobs. I would I have to dip into an investment in order to pay "my" half. I made the mistake when I was more copendent of offering to do that.

The young adults and I just moved to a 30-year old house rental house. We like the location and layout. It's worn out a bit, but comfy. Our joint accounts are no more, so moving came 100% out of my pocket.  I didn't ask him for help with the deposit, moving expenses, and things like cheap curtains and a few used lamps we needed. I didn't ask for help paying my sub to teach for me on moving day.

Instead of being a doormat, I rallied all I've learned and said, "No, that's not fair. You have more income than I do. I didn't ask you to help with my moving expenses."

See? I've learned a thing or two. Six months ago, I would felt guilty for saying no. I don't.
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Seenowayout
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2018, 02:59:08 PM »

Way to go Meandthee!
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2018, 03:52:43 PM »

Bravo MeandThee29  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'd like to know if you have similar feelings I rescued and fixed a lot of things for my pwBPD I felt guilty every time I said no and I didn't no often because I didn't to hurt someone else's feelings. I put a lot on my back and now I don't feel guilty for setting limits because the more that I take care of myself the more that I can do. Today, I don't think twice and I don't have guilty feelings lingering it's hard to see now why I struggled so much.
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Stjarna
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2018, 03:53:15 PM »

That is awesome, MeandThee -- It's so empowering to look back, even 6 months, and see that there has been change and growth in ourselves.  For myself, I sometimes think I just don't know if I am truly learning anything with all of this therapy and introspection that I have delved into for the past 5 years.  And then some little thing will come up as you describe, and I can say, "Ha! I would have responded so differently back when... ."  

I truly am proud of you!  
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2018, 09:51:40 PM »

Bravo MeandThee29  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'd like to know if you have similar feelings I rescued and fixed a lot of things for my pwBPD I felt guilty every time I said no and I didn't no often because I didn't to hurt someone else's feelings. I put a lot on my back and now I don't feel guilty for setting limits because the more that I take care of myself the more that I can do. Today, I don't think twice and I don't have guilty feelings lingering it's hard to see now why I struggled so much.

My husband has extremely difficult medical problems, and I did indeed get into "yes" mode because of that and aspects of my upbringing. How can you refuse someone with so many challenges in life? I even tolerated ugly words and behavior following his procedures and surgeries because that's what good spouses do.

Ultimately though, it became all about him, and then he turned on me for not meeting his expectations. The failures on my part stacked up, and then we separated because I wasn't meeting his needs.

Thankfully I finally saw it for what it was. He would have destroyed me if we had gone on.

Ironically he emailed me today, trying to be friendly about selling our house and then laying on the shame. His family loves that, and he's with them now. So I called a friend and got through it.

I've learned something, haven't I?
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2018, 05:26:21 AM »

I've learned something, haven't I?

You sure have. Isn't it great to stand in your truth and say what you mean and not feel guilty?

Definitely something to be proud of.

And if gale-force winds of non-acceptance of your "no" come at you full force, keep standing there and smile to yourself.  

Thanks for sharing.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Jeffree
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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2018, 07:16:53 AM »

Ha! I love when people here respond to their pwBPD with dead on appropriateness.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

J
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Insom
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2018, 11:06:51 AM »

Yay, MeandThee29!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm rooting for you.  Thanks for sharing this.

What was it like for you when he laid on the shame the other day? 
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gotbushels
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2018, 05:13:56 AM »

MeandThee29  

My pwBPD demanded money ... .

Instead of being a doormat, I rallied all I've learned and said, "No, that's not fair. You have more income than I do. I didn't ask you to help with my moving expenses."

See? I've learned a thing or two. Six months ago, I would felt guilty for saying no. I don't.
Superb.   Smiling (click to insert in post) Thank you for sharing. Standing up for your values and morals can be so hard when people demand things of you. You might have given in to demands before--but you didn't this time. No apologies given. Dazzling. I think you can be so proud of how you handled that.
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2018, 04:41:21 PM »

What was it like for you when he laid on the shame the other day? 

I went and did a few errands and thought about it. Then I called a friend.

I replied to him that it certainly is a sad time in our lives without acknowledging the shame. It was religious shame. His side is pushing reconciliation without any counselling and accountability. I think they are telling him to ask me to drop everything and move there, and he's asked our young adults to quit college and move there too. I don't know if his relatives would be involved, but I think that's a good possibility. No way would I do that either way, and no way are our kids quitting college.

And I went on with my day. Today I went to our loving church, who truly "gets" this.
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2018, 10:21:04 AM »

I went and did a few errands and thought about it. Then I called a friend.


This shows growth.  You waited and didn't let yourself be provoked into answering on the fly.  This is what I am working on.  Thanks for sharing.  Your progress is encouraging.

I am happy that you are feeling confident.  Long ago,  when my UBPDH, had an affair and I gave him an ultimatum and he moved out, I even went shopping with him for things for his apartment.  So, I totally understand.  He is trying to involve me in his move again, but I am not going to get involved whatsoever.

Congratulations again, Mustbeabetterway
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2018, 12:41:02 PM »

This shows growth.  You waited and didn't let yourself be provoked into answering on the fly.  This is what I am working on.  Thanks for sharing.  Your progress is encouraging.

And I'm thinking more strategically instead of immediately responding.

One reason we moved out when we did was that currently my work is very flexible. About 3/4 of my work has deadlines, but can be completed when I'm available. In mid-May my schedule gets very rigid and difficult. He wanted us to stay in the house until it sold, but that would have been more stress. A realtor also told me that we'd very likely not find a suitable rental again until sometime in the fall unless we just happened to catch one.
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