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Author Topic: I heard from long lost son...  (Read 505 times)
Swimmy55
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« on: March 23, 2020, 11:00:43 AM »

HI All,
 The Restraining Order I was forced to put in place ended March 14.  I got a voicemail from son Friday night.  He stated he didn't want any trouble, he was doing taxes and needed his 2018 tax forms and could I scan them into his email. ? The take aways from this:
1.  If he's doing taxes that means he had / has a job for 2019
2. He is cognizant enough to be aware this is tax season.
3. He sounded as if everything was normal .
4. 90% of me is at peace that at least he is well enough to do points 1 and 2 above.  This means he must have shelter and food , because if not, he would not be worrying about taxes.
5. On point number 3:This is so surreal that 5% of me is hovering between doubting my sanity and feeling a bit like a chump for having worried the spleen out of myself  and gnashing my teeth this past year  . Like this is still some gaslighting on his part? .
6. The other 5% took note that he did not ask how I was nor did he apologize for the hell he put me and my home through. I also have fear of opening up pandora's box.
7. So I contacted my therapist and we came up with me texting the son the website of the tax preparer I took his taxes to last year with a sentence" The tax preparer has your records"  
8. I know for a fact he had some type of medical emergency back in December because it showed up on my health insurance as ER visits ( He was 25 back then, just turned 26 this month).  He didn't mention and I didn't ask in the text.
9.  So anyway, I wanted to throw this out there that maybe this is a small smidgen of hope for him because he certainty never did his taxes when with me.  
I also must keep on keeping on with my own support / therapy / 12 steps / coping.  The old me would have called him back, (s)mothering him .  Nope ,not this time. For something to change, something has to change.  Thank you to this group for being part of my support.  I hope this helps someone out there who is practicing tough love with their adult kids.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2020, 01:06:42 PM »

Hold steady, Swimmy. This sounds very positive, but that doesn’t mean you can change your protective mindset that you’ve established over the last year. Sounds like you bounced the ball right back into his court where it belongs. Nice!
And just know that his inquiry indicates some healthy adult behavior. A little Godwink for you today:)
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Huat
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2020, 01:17:55 PM »

Oh Swimmy55!

I have read your post with great interest!   Wonderful the way you have written out your thoughts...the way you are proceeding.  Good that you are able to work through this with a therapist...then share with us.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Things happening on my end, too.   We have been estranged from our daughter for the better part of 4 years now but comes an email...a 1-liner asking us to let her know if we need anything.  Can some good be coming from this world-wide disaster we are all facing?

Our daughter works in a grocery store...indeed...people like her at this stage of the game can be included under the umbrella of "front-line-workers."  With so many people losing their jobs, there are others like her who will have no problems hanging onto theirs.  The stores in our area are even tacking on another $2/hour to their wages to give incentive for them to carry on.

So...how to handle my situation?  In the past I had to work on ways to block emails from her.  They were so, so caustic...so, so hurtful.  Now they just might take on a different flavour.  I have decided to start sending emails...just updates on what is happening with us...never, ever referrals to the past.  Thanks to this website and the people who are here with me, I am more knowledgeable as to how to communicate with her.  As I have written before...learning not to J-A-D-E (Justify-Argue-Deny-Explain) was an Aha! moment for me.

Whatever!  I, like you, will be going into this next phase with no expectations.   My husband and I have come to the point where have accepted life as it is...no pining for what isn't...enjoying what is. 

I am appreciating the fact that our daughter is now under more stress than usual because of her job so having her reach out like this is huge on her part.  I will follow her lead but I will be in control of me.

Glad to be in the trenches with you, Swimmy55.  So nice to know there are others experiencing the same things with their difficult-troubled offspring.

((HUGS)….from Huat Being cool (click to insert in post)



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mggt
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2020, 02:41:18 PM »

Glad to hear you both had contact with your children. Proceed with caution. Mggt
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twocrazycats
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2020, 03:30:27 PM »

That's great news, Swimmy (and Huat). It is certainly positive, and you can be grateful for that without getting hopes up.

I would probably, in my own situation with dd, add a quick "love you!" but then that's my situation. For my dd, when I say that, it's not pulling her back in, it's throwing out a rope in case she wants to grab onto it and use it to bring herself back in, in whatever way. And she usually does. But again, that's our situation, not suggesting you do it necessarily.

2CC
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2020, 11:20:51 AM »

 Way to go! (click to insert in post) Thank you all for your encouragement!  . It is so helpful to hear from others in the same boat.  

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 2CC- yes ordinarily I would be right there with you.  I am working with my T as there was domestic violence  from my son .In my particular case , my son  was/ is a danger to me.
I'll write more later, I am a bit emotional right now...just a big thank you .

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Swimmy55
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2020, 03:52:46 PM »

Hi Everyone,
 I found out a little more info and DS states he is living " in the rainforest " in Hawaii so he is" safe from coronavirus" . He also texted some pics of beautiful woods, water.    He stated he is not  on meds or therapy, he found God, and he meditates and has work as a freelance artist.  He also stated he doesn't have his car any more. 

~ Me reading between the lines is that he still has no real awareness of how sick he is and he is possibly actually living in the woods.  Maybe Hawaii, I don't know.
So I am working with my therapist more on how to keep line of communication going .  Honestly, I am having mixed feelings about finding out too much.  I texted his Dad and let him know.

I am forcing myself to see gratitude here.  He is alive.  If he is indeed in Hawaii, it is temperate and therefore don't have to worry over him freezing / snow and ice. And the beating up I did on myself on cutting his  car insurance back in July ...well I guess that turned out to be for naught.  I'm scraping the barrel here and feeling a bit gutted, but all I can say is I am working very hard with my own Therapist.   I hated to even type this but had to let you all know as you have been with me on this journey this past year.   

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Huat
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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2020, 05:01:41 PM »

Hi Swimmy55

Thank you for the update.  I, for one, was wondering what was happening following the initial contact you had with your son.

So glad to read that you are working with your own therapist.  As great as this forum can be, a one-on-one with the right person can be a game-changer.

I have shared that we are in yet another long period of being estranged from our daughter and, although she did send a what-we-thought-to-be promising email (a 1-liner), seems she means further connection to be only on a "call-me-if-you-need-help" basis.  Whatever!  It has been so liberating to rid ourselves of expectations.

You write..."I am having mixed feelings about finding out too much."  As I contemplate the remote possibility of reconciliation with our daughter, I feel the same way.  I remember only too well the drama that permeates her life and how many times we were dragged along for the ride then spit out at the end.

You also write..."I am forcing myself to see gratitude here."  You go, Girl!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Hopefully you will come to the point where you surprise yourself by finding the gratitude happening...no forcing involved.

Wishing you safety, continuing good health, peace. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Huat
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2020, 07:43:51 AM »

Swimmy,
I understand some of the layers that this communication might be stirring up for you. I admire the way you are fortifying yourself which is critical for times like this. I have an older DS who just turned 27 and he has struggled w/some MH issues brought on by the end of a very serious relationship at age 24.  It triggered a cascade of odd behavior. Almost like a manic break. He quit his job (Engineer), took his car, drove across the country for a few months and spent all his 401K. Oh and I think he left here barefoot.

He eventually came back home and stabilized and got a different job and seems a lot better. Clinically, any shrink would say he had a manic break and bc of that they would say he’s “Bipolar 1”. Period, end of story... However, he’s not taken psych meds and has come back to baseline. We were told this was not likely to happen without following a medical model which he refused. We’ve also been told it WILL happen again. (I don’t love psychiatrists, but that’s a different discussion). I offer this because it is possible for the brain to settle down on its own!

I’m sharing this only as a possible story of hope. And I empathize with you on a very deep level here. Thank you for bravely posting this, Swimmy. I’m learning that sharing is part of Radically Accepting the unacceptable.
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2020, 08:59:25 AM »

Thank you Huat and Peacemom- I actually feel better after reading your posts. You gave me some rope to hang onto and I thank you for sharing your experiences.  @Peacemom, wow... powerful testimony to how much about the mind/ brain that is unknown, and most importantly there is always hope. 

Radical acceptance...yep.  I keep forgetting this.
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Wildcat64
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« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2020, 01:14:17 PM »

Swimmy,
I was reading about your son living in a rainforest. My son is living homeless in the Pacific Northwest mainly in Oregon but he bounces around. He seems happy in his world and does best when he's out in nature. Many people with BPD are Free-spirits and are animal lovers. Being in nature definitely calms them. I get a 8-10 word text every week or so. My son won't get help but realizes he has a problem. We've had 6 emergency room visits in the last year from his impulsive/drug related behavior. Watching Dr Fox on youtube and reading a couple self-help books on the support role of someone with BPD has helped me out a lot. Good Luck you're not alone as a parent!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2020, 11:50:28 AM »

Thank you, Wildcat64.
This was good news to read in the midst of the world going crazy. 
It is good he is still in touch with you and at least realizes he has a problem. The ER visits kept him alive.  There is much to be grateful for here. Hang tough , ok? 
I am so glad you wrote in and shared your experience. 
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