Feeling worthless and suicidal

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi idk123,

I am so sorry to hear that. Ultimately, it's your life, but I really encourage you to not give up. You are worth and deserve soo much more than to die because of that idiot.

Is there any way to try an inpatient stay or something similar first, or even to move to a different area or country?

You and your life are so precious to each and every one of us and it would make me so sad to lose you in this world. You are a precious and special soul. I don't mean to judge you, I know you are in so much pain, but life and will get better if you keep going.

2020, thank you for your helpful posts, too.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi idk123,

I am so sorry to hear that. Ultimately, it's your life, but I really encourage you to not give up. You are worth and deserve soo much more than to die because of that idiot.

Is there any way to try an inpatient stay or something similar first, or even to move to a different area or country?

You and your life are so precious to each and every one of us and it would make me so sad to lose you in this world. You are a precious and special soul. I don't mean to judge you, I know you are in so much pain, but life and will get better if you keep going.

2020, thank you for your helpful posts, too.

[idk123]

I can't do an inpatient stay due to trauma and the severity of my contamination phobia. There are more factors than just him to this decision, my OCD is really bad. My old psychiatrist is part of an advocacy group that helped get a bill passed to include mentally ill people in the euthanasia program (Bill C-7, I'm in Canada) and she's being very helpful with navigating me through the hoops and also talking to my mother.

I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.

[WhatToDo47]

I can't do an inpatient stay due to trauma and the severity of my contamination phobia. There are more factors than just him to this decision, my OCD is really bad. My old psychiatrist is part of an advocacy group that helped get a bill passed to include mentally ill people in the euthanasia program (Bill C-7, I'm in Canada) and she's being very helpful with navigating me through the hoops and also talking to my mother.

I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.

I am glad you are taking the time to consider your options. Please know that we all love you and care about you, we know there are brighter days ahead if you just keep on going. What makes you happy? Are there any moments of the day where you feel joy, however small? I really hope you don't give up because I know that better times are ahead. I think so many of us have wanted to give up but we are so glad that we didn't, for our own sake but also for the sake of those who love and care about us. You sound like such a kind soul, even though you are so distressed, you have remained a good person. You have so much to offer to the world and so much light and love to share. Please remember all of this and I hope that we here can help in some way.

[WhatToDo47]

I wish I could help more but I’m not a trained therapist, just a friend who cares. Please keep posting here and seek out the advice of professionals and those who love you! We all care so much about you and don’t want to lose such a special person who is irreplaceable and truly precious in this world.

Also I’m wondering have you tried any medications for your OCD. There are some very effective and safe treatments out there now.

[Turkish]

I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.

What was the motivation? Do you feel that was betrayal on your friend's part, reaching out to the person who's causing you pain?  That all doesn't sound helpful in the least.

Is your mother supporting you, or anyone else in your life?

[idk123]

It was my birthday and I think his motivation was to try and get him to talk to me because he thinks that would make me happier and I'd change my mind (I've been discarded for almost a year now and every attempt I made to talk to this pwBPD has been completely shutdown beyond two phone calls). I've explained to him before that its more complex than that and has more to do with my OCD and being a financial burden on my mother than any relationship stuff. He's a bit naïve, but he had good intentions, he just really misjudged BPD and also overestimated his own reasoning abilities.

I sent a message to the pwBPD explaining that I have signed up for the MAID program, but that it wasn't due to him and that I was sorry he had heard about it in such a way, and so early on in a process that I may not even wind up approved for anyways. He never responded to me, and his response to my friend was essentially, "So what?"

[idk123]

I don't feel moments of joy anymore really. I think the last time I felt happy was over a year ago with him. My contamination OCD was triggered by a sexual assault, and then made worse by my boyfriend of five years ghosting out of our relationship and abandoning me and all his belongings in our shared apartment (his family bought him all new stuff and a new place and he just disappeared). The brief time with this pwBPD was actually the only time since all of that happened that I actually felt happy again, part of me wishes I could thank him for that, despite everything, those moments meant everything to me.

[Turkish]

The brief time with this pwBPD was actually the only time since all of that happened that I actually felt happy again, part of me wishes I could thank him for that, despite everything, those moments meant everything to me.

If those moments meant everything to you, then the response of "so what" is a major rug pulled from under you, not to mention very cruel.

I think that most people think of OCD as repetitive actions (I have some, and have been kind of shamed for them). But OCD can be much more than that, like uncontrollable internal ruminations, yes?

[idk123]

I think I'd rather him have a, "So what" response than any feelings of guilt or responsibility. He made me happy, but he couldn't "fix" me or anything. I'd still be like this regardless of him being in my life.

Yeah, OCD can manifest in a myriad of ways. Rumination is a big part of it. I specifically have a contamination phobia where I feel dirty and preform rituals to make myself feel "clean" using bleach.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey IDK...I know things are not the greatest. However, you still have a place in this world and you matter. Do not discount your value. I take things of this nature quite seriously. I just had a friend over the July 4th weekend hang himself in his garage. Only 40 years old and left behind 2 little ones and his woman. That is a gut punch. He was actually closer to my brother. Funny part is, he was more like my brother's little brother than I. But I digress...

The part that sucks is that I know he had his demons, but I truly do not believe he grasped the ultimate absolution of his decision. The finality of it. There is no way he was in his right mind because he never would have left his kids. I think he got to drinking and there must have been problems between him and his woman and he made an impulsive, foolish and selfish decision. He lives down the street from me and now we will never get to wave to each other again, honk each other again, etc. We may not have been close, but we played softball together, went to high school together and at least shared time together and it is the little things we take for granted that matter. I am great at managing my emotions, but I have to admit that hey I don't like the feeling of knowing he is gone and no longer around. It sucks something fierce.

There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now. Things may feel rough right now, but it is temporary. You can get through this and you deserve to experience joy again in life. You still have good times ahead in life...do not doubt that even if you can't see it or even if you think its impossible. So please I ask you to truly be kind to YOU and take care of yourself. Do not give up. Life is too valuable to give up and its the greatest gift there is and you only get one. Do not discount your contributions to the world and the impact you have had on others. You have plenty of people who would be crushed with your loss. Perhaps you have to live for them before you can learn to love yourself and live for YOU, but the point will be you will still be here and get to experience that turnaround.

Please stick with us, vent as much as you need to. We are fam here and we do care. Keep your head up ok.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[kells76]

hey, I see you're back on the boards -- good to see you.

I'm wondering if you're up for telling me a little more about this:

Yeah, OCD can manifest in a myriad of ways. Rumination is a big part of it. I specifically have a contamination phobia where I feel dirty and preform rituals to make myself feel "clean" using bleach.

I'm curious if the rituals involve only things touching you/you touching things? Or also seeing things, hearing things, smelling things? You can answer if you want, or not, no worries.

I dealt with (and occasionally still do) OCD type behaviors that showed up related to seeing/hearing things that weren't balanced, feeling textures that were wrong and needing to feel a different texture to "cancel" it, and balance/proprioception (feeling like I had turned too many times to one side), and I had to balance things back out. So I haven't had experiences with contamination type OCD.

[idk123]

"There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now"

I am unable to be around other people unless I do a bunch of intensive, expensive, and time consuming rituals. I absolutely can't be around certain people, specifically my family. I was kicked out of my house by my father and raped two weeks later by a friend of my boyfriend. I have spent every holiday, birthday, etc, alone for the past four years. The only people I felt okay touching was this guy with BPD, and my one friend. I am on disability for my OCD and the amount of money we get is below the poverty line. I can't afford even half the rent for the apartment I live in, but I can't leave because of how severe my contamination phobia is, so my mother (who can't afford it and has had to come out of retirement to work part-time with a bad knee) pays for the other half.

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, but I've thought along time about this and my old psychiatrist (who is an OCD specialist) is on board. Thank you for your concern and optimism though. I hope this thread isn't triggering

[idk123]

hey, I see you're back on the boards -- good to see you.

I'm wondering if you're up for telling me a little more about this:

I'm curious if the rituals involve only things touching you/you touching things? Or also seeing things, hearing things, smelling things? You can answer if you want, or not, no worries.

I dealt with (and occasionally still do) OCD type behaviors that showed up related to seeing/hearing things that weren't balanced, feeling textures that were wrong and needing to feel a different texture to "cancel" it, and balance/proprioception (feeling like I had turned too many times to one side), and I had to balance things back out. So I haven't had experiences with contamination type OCD.

I always had OCD, mine was more thought based and revolved around my house and having things stay the same as they were, also I could not sleep away from my own bed and had rituals to deal with really bad insomnia. Mostly people didn't know I had OCD. Unfortunately my dad has his own OCD and anger issues and he kicked me out of the house right after I started seeing an OCD specialist, had started university, and was in the process of slowly moving into an apartment in another city with my boyfriend of 4 years (I had to move in gradually to accommodate my OCD).

Being kicked out was like forced exposure to everything that triggered my OCD at that point. All my rituals were gone, I had to sink or swim and I sank. Two weeks after this incident, I was locked out of my apartment while my boyfriend was out of town, and a friend of his told me I could charge my phone at his house and when I got there he raped me.

Afterwards I got on a train and went to where my boyfriend was and he wouldn't let me shower because he wanted me to have a kit done. I felt very dirty, and I have essentially felt dirty ever since. My boyfriend wound up leaving me because of the OCD by ghosting out of our relationship and just abandoning all his stuff in the apartment with me (his family had money and just bought him all new stuff). The OCD spiraled and completely took over my life and is now treatment resistant. Sorry for the long depressing story, but its sort of hard to summarize

[WhatToDo47]

idk, don't apologize for the long story! We ALL care about and cherish you. You sound like a truly kind and wonderful person, even here you are taking care to make sure your posts don't trigger others. What else is on your mind? We are here to listen and care deeply about you.

Have you sought the input of other psychiatrists or considered a change of scenery?

I also get into moods where I don't want to be around anyone, I have to force myself to, but I'm always glad that I did. I know it's not that simple, but I just want to say that I can relate. I also have OCD rituals. It sucks, not going to sugar coat it. I know the intense anxiety that can result if you don't perform them. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I have wanted to give up, too, I think so many of us here have.

If you can't be around anyone else physically, I hope that you continue to post here, this is a place free of judgment, what is on your mind?

[idk123]

It's not a mood of not wanting to be around people. I miss people constantly. I miss my mother and my nieces and nephews and even just being able to touch my own hair and face without having to wash my hands 15x in a row with bleach, but I'm just too far gone with the OCD. I literally am unable to go into other peoples houses or apartments or take public transit. 95% of my day is just preforming OCD rituals in order to be able to eat and sleep. I'm typing this with bags on my hands because I'm afraid to touch the keyboard.

I had a slight reprieve with the OCD when he was around, but I think it was more just easier to challenge it because I had someone I wanted to challenge it in order to be around. I never really told him how sick I was, though it is pretty obvious that there is something wrong with me from the get go ahaha.

[SinisterComplex]

"There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now"

I am unable to be around other people unless I do a bunch of intensive, expensive, and time consuming rituals. I absolutely can't be around certain people, specifically my family. I was kicked out of my house by my father and raped two weeks later by a friend of my boyfriend. I have spent every holiday, birthday, etc, alone for the past four years. The only people I felt okay touching was this guy with BPD, and my one friend. I am on disability for my OCD and the amount of money we get is below the poverty line. I can't afford even half the rent for the apartment I live in, but I can't leave because of how severe my contamination phobia is, so my mother (who can't afford it and has had to come out of retirement to work part-time with a bad knee) pays for the other half.

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, but I've thought along time about this and my old psychiatrist (who is an OCD specialist) is on board. Thank you for your concern and optimism though. I hope this thread isn't triggering

Hey IDK I appreciate your empathy. I am not triggered at all. Education and training have helped with that. Not much phases me once I work through my emotions and you realize hey S happens in life. And to be real with you...hell yes I am optimistic because I absolutely and unequivocally refuse to back down or give into negativity or let the bad forces win. F that! It is just not coded into my DNA.

I have to call BS on anyone being on board with you ending your life.The unfortunate reality is you have been dealt a S hand indeed. You actually care about people. You have good energy, empathy. The world needs more of that. Yes you have difficulties and issues to deal with...who doesn't? Everyone has flaws to combat everyday. I sincerely want to see you WIN and not give in. You have the devil sitting on your shoulder whispering into your ear...tell him to F right off. This world still needs you.

I can only imagine how hard all of this must feel for you. OCD is not a joke and many people make light of it. I don't because I have my own obsessive compulsive tendencies and it does make me a pain in the $$ to deal with at times because I teeter on the side of being a perfectionist which is not good. I could give you many examples of different things I had to overcome pertaining to OCD, but I won't because I respect your feelings and I would never compare myself with you.

What I want to offer up...there has to be a way to maneuver around this monster and rein it in and make it work for you. It may sound crazy and perhaps you will chuckle here, but think of the TV show Monk.

To that extent my best friend is actually quite similar to me and has his own struggles that border on OCD and being a perfectionist. What makes it fun for him and I is that we don't take things too seriously and we rip on each other and make light of our oddities. He has a thing with feet where he can't stand people wearing flip flops. He could see the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen in his life and heaven forbid if she is wearing flip flops or if he sees feet and toes then all of a sudden he isn't a fan of this amazing woman. You could be the smartest and coolest person ever and give him a million dollars, but if he saw you with flip flops the only thing he remembers is you wearing flip flops and seeing toes. I am not kidding. I was just with this dude and this goofy clown has to save his shoes and cover them up in his jersey and he walked in his socks out in the parking lot to the car all because it was crappy weather and raining. He would have rather cut his feet up then gotten any water or a scuff on his shoes. Now granted they were a $400 pair of shoes...a Dragon Ball Z collector's edition show...the Power Level 9000 Vegeta Edition (yes I am kinda talking in my friend's voice because he never shuts up about them...). They just so happened to be matching colors of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball team which is the team we went to watch.

He can't eat a cheeseburger unless it is only meat, cheese, and bun because if there is ketchup or mustard oh good lord he'll have a conniption. The best part is...he has fun with it. We have fun with it. There isn't a day that goes by where we are not giving each other S . Why? Because we realize we are a couple of weird, unique dudes. For reference this is not a young man I am talking about...he is a 43 year old father of 3 boys. He is a trip. Love the man to death, he is my brother and road dog for life. We are like the Bad Boyz...we ride together, we die together, Bad Boyz for life...quote from the Will Smith and Martin Lawrence movie.

Anyway, there has to be a way to raise some support for you. Someone needs to set you up a go fund me page. Hell I would personally make incremental donations myself because instead of ending your life because some monster has a grip on you, you need people to give a S and I do and I know this board, this Family does. You need funding to get the help you deserve and need so you can enjoy life. I understand the bad things that have happened, but don't give up. You at least have this family here. You gotta fight. You gotta develop that what my best friend and I call it in you...the F it mentality. When it seems like the walls are closing in and the anxiety hits you and its driving you insane you have to center yourself and force out the F it! moment and just do it and realize you will survive and you will be ok. Not saying it will work for you, but it is at least an idea. Everybody has to find their own thing.

We need (referencing the world at large) to learn to rally around people such as yourself as a whole. You are different and you may need some extra tlc (who the hell couldn't benefit from some extra tlc?), but you are still a part of the collective and you matter. Instead of knocking down the less fortunate we need to be stronger and better and help those people up. The global mind set needs to be changed to in-clusion instead of ex-clusion

Again...stick with us and keep posting.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC- 

[khibomsis]

hey, idk, so sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in! It is too sweet of you to worry about triggering people, but you know, your subject heading is great and adequately warns off sensitive souls.

 I thought I should share with you what kept me alive when I was suicidal. First was rage. I felt that the people who had abused me to the point of suicidal ideation were trying to kill me as surely as if they had stabbed a knife in my back. And I said "F--k you, I am going to live just to spite you". That set me thinking about what would be the best revenge, and I decided it would be to live a great life, regardless. So that helped me focus on self-care.

Second was curiosity. I thought "what if it gets better?" And so I decided to stick around just to see what would happen. I am so glad I did      Still far from a perfect life, but there have been so many days I woke up, the sun was shining, birds singing and little children and kittens and butterflies just hanging around being cute. And I would say "Thank Godde for letting me see this day".

Especially when I get a chance to help somebody else along the way. Take care idk. You are going to be OK.

 

[idk123]

I'm sorry to the people who are encouraging me to wait and not seek the euthanasia, but I really am on a level of mental illness that most people don't get to. I've been stuck with this treatment resistant OCD for four years now and it is just unfortunately not getting better. It's beyond the situation with just this pwBPD. But I do appreciate the support around my feelings for him. I miss him terribly. I see videos of him out rollerskating and with all his friends and I'm so horribly lonely. I miss him so much, he was one of the very few people who didn't trigger my OCD and I felt comfortable touching. I would do anything for him to just speak to me, but no matter how many times I've reached out, he refuses to be friends again, and now he knows about the MAID thing, and he will definitely never talk to me now. I just want so badly to hear from him, and I hear from all thse people about how they charm, but he never does, and he never love bombed me. I wasn't good enough, I was never good enough

[khibomsis]

hey idk, no need to be sorry, it is your right to do as you wish. Take from these boards what you need and leave the rest. How can we support you with what you are going through?

 
Khib

[WhatToDo47]

I agree with all the above. idk, I don't know if this will help but I hope it does. How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you? I NEVER thought my ex would, and she did. By that time, I had healed enough not to want her in my life anymore, but sometimes the hope that maybe one day we would work it out helped me so much when I was feeling down and even suicidal. What if he just needs some time and when he circles back to you you aren't there? That would be a horrible tragedy.

Also, you mention above how you are typing on here with bags on your hands. THAT takes COURAGE and STRENGTH. You are inspiring and courageous, we all love you and believe in you, and I hope that you know that.

[WhatToDo47]

What is new? What is on your mind? We all want to hear and care.

[idk123]

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back

[WhatToDo47]

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back

That must be so hard for you and feel so lonely and helpless. It's okay to feel those things and thank you for being honest with us and most importantly with yourself. He sounds a lot like my ex in some ways.

I also thought she was thriving, based on social media, the grapevine, etc. She discarded me in such a cruel way and then blocked me like I never existed, despite 6 years together, 5 married, and planning to start having kids within weeks of when she left. I thought she would never circle back, she never did to any of her exes. But then she did. Out of the blue. I never ever expected it. Now, I see her for what she is and I don't want her even as a friend. I've read stories on here where their partner circled back decades later. You just never know. Sometimes, they have to hit rock bottom before they sober up and you could at least be friends. Maybe he is on his way towards that.

You are in such a dark spot that even the smallest glimmer of hope helps. The ruinations are very intense. I've been there, as have so many here. It does get better. Sometimes, it takes time. More time than you think it will or want it to, but it does get better.

If he does come around, do you want someone like that in your life? It's YOUR life and you get to choose how to live it. Everyone has that right. You are a wonderful person.

What else is new? How is your family doing?

[SinisterComplex]

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back

So IDK hold on a second here...don't say you have no friends or support. You do. You have support here, you have friends here. I say that because mentally you need to view it that way. If you allow yourself to think you have no friends or support then the walls will close in and you will dig yourself deeper into oblivion. The mind is a powerful thing so you have to be careful. Please stay engaged here and remember your world is what you make it. You do have the power and the control to make what kind of world you want. Sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is not. The law of attraction is a powerful force, but one people often don't understand, misinterpret, and don't take the time to master. You have to learn to project out what you want in return, but not let variance sway you. You have to stay the course through the ebbs and flows. In essence, your consistency is all that matters and that is what is in your control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

So IDK hold on a second here...don't say you have no friends or support. You do. You have support here, you have friends here. I say that because mentally you need to view it that way. If you allow yourself to think you have no friends or support then the walls will close in and you will dig yourself deeper into oblivion. The mind is a powerful thing so you have to be careful. Please stay engaged here and remember your world is what you make it. You do have the power and the control to make what kind of world you want. Sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is not. The law of attraction is a powerful force, but one people often don't understand, misinterpret, and don't take the time to master. You have to learn to project out what you want in return, but not let variance sway you. You have to stay the course through the ebbs and flows. In essence, your consistency is all that matters and that is what is in your control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I second everything said here and especially that you do have friends - all of us, myself included!

[idk123]

Can't afford Wifi anymore. Thank you to everyone who communicated with me on here

[WhatToDo47]

Can't afford Wifi anymore. Thank you to everyone who communicated with me on here

Sorry to hear that. I hope that you will log back on here somehow in the future and share good news with us. We are all rooting for you and know that you have brighter days ahead. We all love and care for you. Please keep us posted if you can somehow! Please don't give up. Miracles can happen.

And thank YOU for posting on here and communicating with us. It takes alot of courage to open up like you did.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear idk-

I sadly understand money issues.  And I understand your fear around being near people.  However, there are so many areas that have WiFi hotspots these days, even outdoor parks, where maybe you can go and continue to communicate when you wish to do that?

It could be worth it.  Please don’t give up on yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[WhatToDo47]

Dear idk-

I sadly understand money issues.  And I understand your fear around being near people.  However, there are so many areas that have WiFi hotspots these days, even outdoor parks, where maybe you can go and continue to communicate when you wish to do that?

It could be worth it.  Please don’t give up on yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Gemsforeyes, that is an excellent point. I second this.

idk, I would be happy to help you find wifi hotspots. Just let me know.

[idk123]

I have Wifi again. Thank you to everyone's suggestions. Today I messed up and sent him a message on Twitter (Where he didn't have me blocked). I tried to hard and he blocked me. Then I panicked and sent him some stupid texts asking why he won't just speak to me and that I was sorry for whatever I did. I'm not coping well. Can someone just tell me, is there any hope? I can't stop myself from reaching out and it's been over a year. Is he ever going to speak to me again?