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Author Topic: Crossing the Line - Exiting the Theme Park Entirely  (Read 12461 times)
Pook075
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« Reply #90 on: March 17, 2023, 07:49:03 PM »

Was being told I'm seeing someone this much of a surprise? I'm so confused.

I don't think you're confused at all; you just broke the cycle and she doesn't know how to deal with it.  My guess would be the love bombing will soon follow and it's your decision on how to handle that.
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« Reply #91 on: March 17, 2023, 07:57:02 PM »

I have my doubts, but we shall see!
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« Reply #92 on: March 17, 2023, 09:24:14 PM »

Excerpt
she has feelings for you

Perhaps I may have missed something, but I have seen zero evidence for this statement.
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« Reply #93 on: March 18, 2023, 09:50:44 AM »

Perhaps I may have missed something, but I have seen zero evidence for this statement.

I don't know. Is it "feelings"?
I'm not sure, but something causes her to never completely let go.
The several times she could've NOT reached out but chose to.
Whether or not she has FEELINGS I cannot say, but she has some reason to stay in touch, if only to argue or attempt for validation.

That last message was very confusing. It made no sense
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Rev
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« Reply #94 on: March 18, 2023, 10:18:09 AM »

I don't know. Is it "feelings"?
I'm not sure, but something causes her to never completely let go.
The several times she could've NOT reached out but chose to.
Whether or not she has FEELINGS I cannot say, but she has some reason to stay in touch, if only to argue or attempt for validation.

That last message was very confusing. It made no sense

There's a common answer to this.  pwBPD NEED a reaction from certain people like you and I need to breathe, drink water and eat. 

pwBPD have trouble generating or being in touch with their own emotions. This is why in pop psychology people in your position are referred to as "supply".

Choose not to be that person for her.

Hope this helps.

Rev
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« Reply #95 on: March 18, 2023, 10:24:28 AM »

There's a common answer to this.  pwBPD NEED a reaction from certain people like you and I need to breathe, drink water and eat. 

pwBPD have trouble generating or being in touch with their own emotions. This is why in pop psychology people in your position are referred to as "supply".

Choose not to be that person for her.

Hope this helps.

Rev

I ended up asking what she meant. Why she said that. Why she would care if I thought she was ignoring me.

"It's just how I am, there's nothing to read into here, have a good weekend "

If anything, I'm now more confused.
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Rev
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« Reply #96 on: March 18, 2023, 10:32:37 AM »

I ended up asking what she meant. Why she said that. Why she would care if I thought she was ignoring me.

"It's just how I am, there's nothing to read into here, have a good weekend "

If anything, I'm now more confused.


Here's an existential question: What are the typical answers that emotionally immature children offer when they are trying to avoid something?

Your ex's response ticks on of those boxes. On the detaching board each of us has had to come to grips with reframing that the adult relationship we thought we had was really a relationship with a child in an adult body.

For some of us this can be difficult to process.  It was for me at least.

What do you think about this?

Rev
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« Reply #97 on: March 18, 2023, 10:38:34 AM »

Here's an existential question: What are the typical answers that emotionally immature children offer when they are trying to avoid something?

Can you give an example?

Your ex's response ticks on of those boxes.

Which?

 On the detaching board each of us has had to come to grips with reframing that the adult relationship we thought we had was really a relationship with a child in an adult body.

For some of us this can be difficult to process.  It was for me at least.

What do you think about this?

It makes sense, but it's hard to comprehend. She's very intelligent and talented. It's hard to imagine her psyche as so immature, when she is generally very well read, and is very smart.

Rev
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Rev
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« Reply #98 on: March 18, 2023, 10:48:04 AM »

It makes sense, but it's hard to comprehend. She's very intelligent and talented. It's hard to imagine her psyche as so immature, when she is generally very well read, and is very smart.


Also typical.

In the absence of Emotional Intelligence pwBPD will often replace or overcompensate with intellectual intelligence.

And yes ... very hard to get your head around because so many of your memories are emotional.

Part of your journey now will be to get your head around re-understanding what your relationship really was.

Hang in there.

Rev
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« Reply #99 on: March 18, 2023, 10:55:06 AM »


Part of your journey now will be to get your head around re-understanding what your relationship really was.

Hang in there.

Rev

You speak in riddles like Yoda LOL, what do you mean?
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Rev
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« Reply #100 on: March 18, 2023, 11:24:40 AM »

Sorry about that...

Let me bottom line it for you - I've been with you since the beginning - and the one pattern that is persistent in your story is that you continue to try to make "sense" of what your ex said or did, try to plan your "next move" around that, and try to see what to think about the result.  There is no "sense" to anything she does. She has a disorder. She is dis-ordered.  She is not predictable nor logical. She is purely in the instinct of the moment, and even that is a moving target.

This pattern is not going to serve you well.  As a matter of fact, it is the one thing that will sink any efforts you make to try and move on.  This is what is known as a trauma bond.  And you need to break it.

 There is an addictive quality to trying to make sense of what your ex was all about - it feeds an emotional need that you have (that we all have) because the discard hurts. It hurts all of us.

Your relationship served her need to compensate for her total lack of ability to know who she is emotionally. This is why you are left feeling all over the place. These relationships will pick a person apart. The addictive quality to these relationships goes double for her. She is addicted to the need to feed off of others emotions - in this case yours. I know that may hurt to hear. And I can't make it out any clearer than that.

Please - STOP trying to figure your ex out. She is not who you thought she was. She is not who she appears to be to then next person. Why?  Because emotionally she has no idea who she is. You will only short circuit your efforts to heal.

I do not say this because it is my story. I say this because it is all our stories. Each of us has learned this in our own way. Each of us shares it in a different way.

Again - please stop trying to figure you ex out. She has the emotional intelligence of a child.

I am sorry if that sounds blunt. I don't mean to sound like I am lecturing you. It's not my style. I am totally in your corner on this.

From here on in - PLEASE think of your own needs first, second, third, fourth, fifth.  PLEASE think of her needs only as they pertain to your needs. PLEASE think of everything as a simple transaction. As few words as possible, with as little emotion as possible as quickly and simply as possible.

There is no other way that I can think of to move past this.

You will not heal otherwise.

Hope this helps.

Rev
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #101 on: March 18, 2023, 11:45:08 AM »

Sorry about that...

Let me bottom line it for you - I've been with you since the beginning - and the one pattern that is persistent in your story is that you continue to try to make "sense" of what your ex said or did, try to plan your "next move" around that, and try to see what to think about the result.  There is no "sense" to anything she does. She has a disorder. She is dis-ordered.  She is not predictable nor logical. She is purely in the instinct of the moment, and even that is a moving target.

This pattern is not going to serve you well.  As a matter of fact, it is the one thing that will sink any efforts you make to try and move on.  This is what is known as a trauma bond.  And you need to break it.

 There is an addictive quality to trying to make sense of what your ex was all about - it feeds an emotional need that you have (that we all have) because the discard hurts. It hurts all of us.

Your relationship served her need to compensate for her total lack of ability to know who she is emotionally. This is why you are left feeling all over the place. These relationships will pick a person apart. The addictive quality to these relationships goes double for her. She is addicted to the need to feed off of others emotions - in this case yours. I know that may hurt to hear. And I can't make it out any clearer than that.

Please - STOP trying to figure your ex out. She is not who you thought she was. She is not who she appears to be to then next person. Why?  Because emotionally she has no idea who she is. You will only short circuit your efforts to heal.

I do not say this because it is my story. I say this because it is all our stories. Each of us has learned this in our own way. Each of us shares it in a different way.

Again - please stop trying to figure you ex out. She has the emotional intelligence of a child.

I am sorry if that sounds blunt. I don't mean to sound like I am lecturing you. It's not my style. I am totally in your corner on this.

From here on in - PLEASE think of your own needs first, second, third, fourth, fifth.  PLEASE think of her needs only as they pertain to your needs. PLEASE think of everything as a simple transaction. As few words as possible, with as little emotion as possible as quickly and simply as possible.

There is no other way that I can think of to move past this.

You will not heal otherwise.

Hope this helps.

Rev

I do believe my brother from another mother covered this, but I want to re-iterate that you must stop trying to figure your ex out. For one it will serve you no purpose. For two...you will just drive yourself nuts. For three...you are still approaching the situation with logic and not understanding that you cannot make sense of something that is illogical. Trying to make sense of a disordered mind is a pointless endeavor. Why? It's in the description...disordered. A disordered mind is literally wired differently (physically) and it is impossible for neurotypical people to understand or comprehend how a disordered mind works.

Rev is usually the more softer hand on board while I am typically the blunt force trauma. But understand we care and we do have your back, but we will always tell you the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.

Stop being an emotional dumping ground and stand up for yourself and DO YOU moving forward.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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Pook075
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« Reply #102 on: March 18, 2023, 12:38:22 PM »

I do not say this because it is my story. I say this because it is all our stories. Each of us has learned this in our own way. Each of us shares it in a different way.

Again - please stop trying to figure you ex out. She has the emotional intelligence of a child.

Question, for me and for Crunch since we're both on similar 'recovery' timelines (I don't know what else to call it).

Of the thousands of members who have passed through this site over the years, are there any stories where the ex split, moved on, and eventually reconciled long-term?  Or is this really "all" of our stories?

I ask because I'm about 98% moved on and over this.  Yet there's this small, nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "If you wait this out long enough, maybe things can still turn around."  I know it's foolish and I know it's part of the grieving process to fully let go.  That last shred of hope feels like it's attached with super glue though. 

For what it's worth, I don't even like my ex anymore and I 100% agree that she's a spoiled child that can't process anything in a logical adult manner.
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Rev
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« Reply #103 on: March 18, 2023, 01:16:25 PM »

Question, for me and for Crunch since we're both on similar 'recovery' timelines (I don't know what else to call it).

Of the thousands of members who have passed through this site over the years, are there any stories where the ex split, moved on, and eventually reconciled long-term?  Or is this really "all" of our stories?

I ask because I'm about 98% moved on and over this.  Yet there's this small, nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "If you wait this out long enough, maybe things can still turn around."  I know it's foolish and I know it's part of the grieving process to fully let go.  That last shred of hope feels like it's attached with super glue though. 

For what it's worth, I don't even like my ex anymore and I 100% agree that she's a spoiled child that can't process anything in a logical adult manner.

Super question.

The short answer is no ... once you are here - unless there is a compelling reason to go back (there's a member here who's posted for example that they may end up homeless with their child) DON'T.  Yes the individual details will change - the disorder will not.

THE EXCEPTIONS that I see are on the bettering board. There the non BPD partner has made willing sacrifices that are personal choices based on their unuque circumstances. 

The jury is still out on DBT as a therapy. The "success" of DBT is a longer term thing.

Please hear this. The only closure you will get is the closure you give yourself.  You will need to decide what happened, why it happened, accept that it happened and then move on.

My mentor said to me back in 2019 when my marriage exploded in spectacular fashion (after I went back three times - too embarrassed to tell people she was physically and mentally abusive):

1) Rev - stop trying to have a conversation with someone who just doesn't exist.

2) Look at the brightside - You now have the best B.S. meter money can buy.

Hope that's clear.

Rev

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« Reply #104 on: March 18, 2023, 01:19:55 PM »

You speak in riddles like Yoda LOL, what do you mean?

If you'd like more directness here it is: Your relationship was a lie.

It's a harsh pronouncement I know, but this is what we all have to comes to terms with one way or another.
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Rev
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« Reply #105 on: March 18, 2023, 01:39:15 PM »

If you'd like more directness here it is: Your relationship was a lie.

I'll add the many, (most - all ?) times there are the times in the healing journey when you can pinpoint actual lies which if we deny happened, we prolong our suffering.

I know my entire relationship to my ex was founded on two major lies and one minor one. And short of someone having come to me in and saying "Rev she lied about this" I never would have known.

In the aftermath of the break-up- then people spoke to me. But before they didn't. Of course they didn't- they were acquaintances who wanted to respect proper boundaries.

Rev
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« Reply #106 on: March 18, 2023, 01:43:44 PM »



I ask because I'm about 98% moved on and over this.  Yet there's this small, nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "If you wait this out long enough, maybe things can still turn around."  I know it's foolish and I know it's part of the grieving process to fully let go.  That last shred of hope feels like it's attached with super glue though. 

For what it's worth, I don't even like my ex anymore and I 100% agree that she's a spoiled child that can't process anything in a logical adult manner.
Pook , you nailed pretty much how I'm feeling here. Except I'll give myself maybe an 80% detachment score at best.

Idk if this was a stupid idea or not, but I sent one last message today. And I did not pull any punches. I told her all the reasons why I felt hurt and betrayed and lied to. I don't know if it's healthy for the BPD dynamic, but I needed to get it off my chest for my own catharsis reasons. I've been tiptoeing around her s***, trying to play baby gloves with her and I've never actually told her how she's made me feel. Not that she cares, but I don't really care what she thinks anymore and I needed to say it for my own reasons. I told her I didn't appreciate being lied to, I told her I'm no longer an option and no longer her triangulation point. I told her that when her replacement gets stale and boring in 6 months not to come crawling to me because I won't be there when she does.
I was pissed about the way that she behaved yesterday, dangling some guy in front of my face like we were in high school.

And I do accept that she is a child trapped in an adult's body. The protest behavior is, the attention seeking. These are things that children do.
I have poisoned my healing by stopping to think about why she does things and what she's going to do next. And you're right, those things don't matter. I can't understand them, predict them and I should not be paying attention to them. 2 weeks from today I will be moving into my new apartment, the location of which she does not know.

All digital communication methods have been shut down completely. The only way she can disturb my peace is by showing up at my work and I will just tell her to leave.

In my time is an EMT I had to learn when to halt resuscitation efforts, in what circumstances you need to Black card triage patients in a mass casualty incident. EMS is not something I have thought about in a long time, and I need to tap into some of those cold decision making skills. I've been working CPR on this patient for 6 months. No signs of life. Non-viable.
ToD - March 18th.
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Pook075
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« Reply #107 on: March 18, 2023, 03:45:27 PM »


The jury is still out on DBT as a therapy. The "success" of DBT is a longer term thing.

Thank you for the answer Rev.  That's what I assumed but needed to hear it.

My BPD kid has made tons of progress with a combo of DBT and other therapy.  I think it's more the counselor than the techniques, in a way, but she's living an incredible balanced, normal life right now and she has the ability to talk out her feelings before spiraling and/or blowing up.  And maybe that's what has given me false hope- if it worked for the kid, why not the mom/wife too?

Again though, thanks!
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Rev
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« Reply #108 on: March 18, 2023, 04:26:49 PM »

Thank you for the answer Rev.  That's what I assumed but needed to hear it.

My BPD kid has made tons of progress with a combo of DBT and other therapy.  I think it's more the counselor than the techniques, in a way, but she's living an incredible balanced, normal life right now and she has the ability to talk out her feelings before spiraling and/or blowing up.  And maybe that's what has given me false hope- if it worked for the kid, why not the mom/wife too?

Again though, thanks!

I am assuming your child is younger?  And yes - about 85 % of the success of any therapy is really based on two things -

1) The quality of the relationship between client and therapist.

2) The quality of the relationship between therapist and client.

if you needed to add a third ... you might say it depends on whether they can sort things out together or not.

Hang in there.

Rev.
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« Reply #109 on: March 18, 2023, 04:35:31 PM »

I hate that I feel scared of pissing her off/hurting her/pushing her away with the message I sent.

I know I needed to get it off my chest and it felt right, to air my true feelings.

Now, after though, I'm still worrying over it's future effects, when I shouldn't.
Keeping to myself is the goal, but yet I still fear her leaving forever.

Sucks.
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Rev
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« Reply #110 on: March 18, 2023, 05:16:03 PM »

I hate that I feel scared of pissing her off/hurting her/pushing her away with the message I sent.

I know I needed to get it off my chest and it felt right, to air my true feelings.

Now, after though, I'm still worrying over it's future effects, when I shouldn't.
Keeping to myself is the goal, but yet I still fear her leaving forever.

Sucks.

Yes it does suck ... vent here as much as you need to.  The longer you move in an independent direction the easier it will become.

In the first month after I broke up I put 3500 miles on my car driving at all hours to try and keep myself from going back a fourth time.

Hang in there
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Pook075
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« Reply #111 on: March 18, 2023, 06:54:57 PM »

I am assuming your child is younger?  And yes - about 85 % of the success of any therapy is really based on two things -

1) The quality of the relationship between client and therapist.

2) The quality of the relationship between therapist and client.

if you needed to add a third ... you might say it depends on whether they can sort things out together or not.

Hang in there.

Rev.

Yeah, child is 24, but been in some sort of therapy for 10+ years.  Most of them were more like trusted friends to vent with than actual therapists.
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« Reply #112 on: March 18, 2023, 08:06:48 PM »

Pook , you nailed pretty much how I'm feeling here. Except I'll give myself maybe an 80% detachment score at best.

Idk if this was a stupid idea or not, but I sent one last message today. And I did not pull any punches. I told her all the reasons why I felt hurt and betrayed and lied to. I don't know if it's healthy for the BPD dynamic, but I needed to get it off my chest for my own catharsis reasons. I've been tiptoeing around her s***, trying to play baby gloves with her and I've never actually told her how she's made me feel. Not that she cares, but I don't really care what she thinks anymore and I needed to say it for my own reasons. I told her I didn't appreciate being lied to, I told her I'm no longer an option and no longer her triangulation point. I told her that when her replacement gets stale and boring in 6 months not to come crawling to me because I won't be there when she does.
I was pissed about the way that she behaved yesterday, dangling some guy in front of my face like we were in high school.

And I do accept that she is a child trapped in an adult's body. The protest behavior is, the attention seeking. These are things that children do.
I have poisoned my healing by stopping to think about why she does things and what she's going to do next. And you're right, those things don't matter. I can't understand them, predict them and I should not be paying attention to them. 2 weeks from today I will be moving into my new apartment, the location of which she does not know.

All digital communication methods have been shut down completely. The only way she can disturb my peace is by showing up at my work and I will just tell her to leave.

In my time is an EMT I had to learn when to halt resuscitation efforts, in what circumstances you need to Black card triage patients in a mass casualty incident. EMS is not something I have thought about in a long time, and I need to tap into some of those cold decision making skills. I've been working CPR on this patient for 6 months. No signs of life. Non-viable.
ToD - March 18th.


Runchie, yes please tap into those EMT skills. My friend you have to give yourself a dose of reality and nut up and say enough of this BS  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). It's S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) or get off the pot time. Now you do not have to be as ice cold as I can be no...play to your personality. But the bottom line is you have to have the mentality that you will not hesitate to pull the plug and tell someone to go kick rocks!

If she tries to pull a stunt on you and whine about you shutting her S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) down then pull out your cell phone type in cry me a river on youtube from justin timberlake and put it on repeat and play it loud so it sends the message. I gather that is probably not your style, but perhaps you will at least glean some humor from my words here and it will provide you some solace and comfort.

Keep your head up. Be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #113 on: March 18, 2023, 09:52:26 PM »

I still want her to want me back. If for no other reason than ego reasons. Complete indifference is my goal that is the goal I will be working towards
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« Reply #114 on: March 18, 2023, 11:06:29 PM »

I still want her to want me back. If for no other reason than ego reasons. Complete indifference is my goal that is the goal I will be working towards

Krunch,

I been following you now (tracking Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) for several days,…

You are still in (her) FOG,… you need to read and heed what the others are telling you here,… your bpdex will only continue to “play” with you, the longer you let her.

#supply

…. and any supply will do,… she feeds off the drama - trauma - (&) chaos,… she is literally getting off on the negative, push-pull attention she is getting from you.

Another member on here (formflier) told me back in 2017, something to the effect off;

“never rely on a disordered person to fulfill your own emotional stability”

You may as well swim in an alligator swamp with a chicken leg tied round your neck….

You stay with her, take her back, or else reconcile with her,… your only going to get more of the same, … and since you’ve told her “what’s on your mind”,… now you’ve inflicted a ‘narcissistic wound” upon her, borderlines/narcissist DO NOT deal well,with perceived “shaming”,… and so,… if she gets you in close again, you are going to pay for that last message you sent her.

These bpd/npd women do not respond,… or else have any ability to understand facts, correct history (of the relationship), “ryme or reason”….forget it,… that wounded little girl inside of her is running the show.

DBT,… only teaches the left of center, non malignant bpd the ability to “dialectically” (cognitively) recognize, evaluate, and control their emotional ability to respond to others, effectively DBT teaches the bpd the skills to control their negative (outbursts) behaviors…

But be advised,… at anytime,… the bpd can relapse (collapse),…

It seems to be,… anytime the dysfunctional relationship is returned to,… reconciled,… that all the baggage and wreckage from the past “sorties” is still retained,… and she will immediately return to it the very first time you step off her pedestal…. (unwittingly fall)… and the dysregulations (negative) will be even worse the second, third, forth time you go back with her.

Heal yourself, get centered,… take care of number 1 now, ….  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) you

The others are correct, these relationships are an addiction… a “trauma bond”.

Mine has been gone for over four years now, we have not divorced…. and I am still trauma bonded to her,… however, I have learned how to communicate with her, when I have to:
*NC  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) gray rock
*No “over explaining”
*Clear - Simple - Succinct
*Do not give in to her attempts at chaos/control … circular arguments
 
She has stage IV cancer, she depends on our medical insurance for her trail treatments… this is the reason we are still married.

I have known her for sixteen years, married for thirteen years, separated for 4.3 of these years.

She is my second wife,… yup, I did all this before,… still learning I am (Yoda) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Your self esteem has to be ironclad.

You have to have complete financial security.

You have to be completely autonomous, independent; separate from her.
*home-job-finacial*

You have to be able to understand, and operate under the premise that she is disordered, she will not ever “get better”, or else have an “epiphany” one day, and be your “best girl” forever and always,… ain’t happening.

You need to learn and practice the countermeasures (bpdfamily tools) that will enable you to “shoot - move - (&) communicate” in this dysfunctional relationship environment.

Be thankful that you have awakened, and are now learning about what you’ve come into contact with,… a beautiful but disordered woman.

Trust your gut instinct, as it is always right.

If you are a praying man, a relationship with Jesus will help, you stay grounded and true to yourself.

My “T” (No.3) told me,… “a borderline woman will eventually destroy every relationship she has, I see the wreckage of this all the time”…

Destroy is defined as:
*your relationship with her
*your livelihood (career job/bank accounts)
*your legal status (police report/record)
*your family (children)
*your home (bpd divorce)
*and perhaps even your very life (health decline from stress ongoing)

DESTROYED

That’s all I got Krunch,…. Listen to the others, they are “dead on” in their writings here ….

Chose you, … save yourself, from her,… if you must,….love her from afar,… but if you get too close again, it will only be worse the next cycle.

Red5
« Last Edit: March 18, 2023, 11:21:44 PM by Red5 » Logged

“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #115 on: March 19, 2023, 09:16:52 AM »

Yesterday you all have Me the blunt tough love I needed to hear.

I also had a very eye opening conversation with a mutual friend who has known her longer than me. A guy, ex co worker who is steadily married.
He said
"I've been in that exact relationship before. I still dream about a girl I wanted to marry more than a decade ago but the girl I wanted and the girl that existed were different. If you want EXS NAME but with the capacity to commit to you and not fight, you don't want EXS NAME.
The EXS NAME you are in love with is not the EXS NAME that exists in the world. The EXS NAME you are in love with is dead. You have to mourn her passing. There is nothing chivalrous about waiting for the dead to rise. 
 When your son falls in love with a woman that treats him like trash half of the time, remember you set the example with EXS NAME and accept the blame.
I knew from watching her with ... I can't remember DAUGHTERS dad's name... haha. I knew from watching her with him that she has never been in and doesn't understand what it takes to be in a steady, healthy, committed relationship.
She has told me some of the trauma, too. I want the best for her, but she has no one to teach her. She never had safety or comfort as a child and those things are strangers to her now. That's the way it is. She feels like she is not at home among warmth because it is new territory."

That was all very impactful to hear from someone who knows her personally and has for longer than I have. Additionally this person is very well read and intelligent. Someone I respect the opinion of quite a bit. I cried after this conversation. Between everything you all said and this, a wave of true realization hit me

It is never going to be any different.

So that leaves me with a few things to think about.

Firstly, I'm still concerned about my strength of will in the event of a temperature check that could lead to a recycle. She has someone to focus on right now, but has been seeing them for a couple of months so The hourglass was flipped already and the timer will run out.
She WILL reengage at some point, likely before the end of summer.
I really really need to be ready for when that happens.

I am hoping the "narcissistic wound" of being very upfront yesterday will prevent or delay this from happening.
However I am also concerned about the fact that I have historically been very bad about no contact, so I'm concerned if I'm actually adhering to it that's going to trigger the abandonment and have her re-engage sooner, when I'm more susceptible to it.

Lastly is a topic I have avoided bringing up on this forum with the fear of being labeled a wackadoo.
I have something that I struggle to explain, a sensation or a sixth sense so to speak. I'm a very logic science minded person so the existence of this thing was something that baffled and confused me for a long time. I experienced this with my ex-wife as well as my recent ex, but definitely more aggressively and frequently with recent ex.
When I have formed a bond with someone (this has only occured with two people), I can sense their emotions when they're not around. It has to be very strong emotion. With my ex-wife it was mostly during the divorce during times that she had to go to legal things or lawyers offices. She is the world's most non-confrontational person and stuff like that freaks her out. So I would get my Spidey Sense feeling and then two days later a letter from the lawyer. We were very much in no contact entirely during our divorce. But yet I could still tell whenever some new development was happening.
With my recent ex with BPD however, it was very frequent as her moods are all over the place. I still experience these to this day. It's like a spinning tightening feeling in the core of my stomach. It is not muscular. It is not my anxiety, that manifests as increased heart rate and more of heart in my throat sort of feeling. During our first break up, we had not been in touch for many weeks. This was around May of 2021, one evening I had intense feelings that something was wrong, couldn't shake them off and barely got to sleep. Woke up the next day out of dead sleep at like 4:30 in the morning which is very abnormal for me, found out later that day that that was the precise moment that she found out her grandfather had passed away. The night before she had found out he was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. I felt the stress of the night leading up to it, and I felt the shock of her learning the news so profoundly that it ripped me out of sleep.
I still experience these sensations when she has a very stressful day or when something particularly emotional happens. It happened recently when she had a blowout with her daughter.

I know some of you may dismiss this, but my therapist says that it's totally a thing. I expected her to dismiss it as well being the science minded person that she is, but apparently it's something that is known in the psychology field.
How the hell am I supposed to detach when I have this weird sixth sense, emotional cord connection bull crap going on? I meditate on it to try and sever it, but it has not yet worked.
I know that explanation may not land with all of you, but it's definitely a thing that happens in my life and it makes things far harder.
I wish I understood it more


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« Reply #116 on: March 19, 2023, 12:08:59 PM »

I have something that I struggle to explain, a sensation or a sixth sense so to speak. I'm a very logic science minded person so the existence of this thing was something that baffled and confused me for a long time. I experienced this with my ex-wife as well as my recent ex, but definitely more aggressively and frequently with recent ex.

When I have formed a bond with someone (this has only occured with two people), I can sense their emotions when they're not around. It has to be very strong emotion. With my ex-wife it was mostly during the divorce during times that she had to go to legal things or lawyers offices. She is the world's most non-confrontational person and stuff like that freaks her out. So I would get my Spidey Sense feeling and then two days later a letter from the lawyer. We were very much in no contact entirely during our divorce. But yet I could still tell whenever some new development was happening.

With my recent ex with BPD however, it was very frequent as her moods are all over the place. I still experience these to this day. It's like a spinning tightening feeling in the core of my stomach. It is not muscular. It is not my anxiety, that manifests as increased heart rate and more of heart in my throat sort of feeling. During our first break up, we had not been in touch for many weeks. This was around May of 2021, one evening I had intense feelings that something was wrong, couldn't shake them off and barely got to sleep. Woke up the next day out of dead sleep at like 4:30 in the morning which is very abnormal for me, found out later that day that that was the precise moment that she found out her grandfather had passed away. The night before she had found out he was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. I felt the stress of the night leading up to it, and I felt the shock of her learning the news so profoundly that it ripped me out of sleep.

I still experience these sensations when she has a very stressful day or when something particularly emotional happens. It happened recently when she had a blowout with her daughter.

I know some of you may dismiss this, but my therapist says that it's totally a thing. I expected her to dismiss it as well being the science minded person that she is, but apparently it's something that is known in the psychology field.

My mother and her twin sister both had this psychic connection and it was unbelievable.  I remember one time, my aunt in Jacksonville fell off a pool chair and broke her tailbone.  I was in the car with my mom in Ft. Lauderdale (350 miles away), decades before cell phones, and she went into a full blown panic that her sister was badly hurt.  She even felt pain in her leg (not tailbone, but right area anyway).  Likewise, my aunt knew the minute my mom passed in the hospital several years back.  They always just knew, my aunt was waiting for my phone call.

There were also times when I was in bad situations and my mom would just show up.  One time, I had 4-5 bigger kids coming after me and wanting to fight.  Yet here comes my mom, roaring around the corner in her car, ready to run all of them over if they didn't get out of the way.  She just knew and ran out of the house, into her car, and drove straight to me a half mile away...even tho I wasn't where I was supposed to be.  Although I never understood it, we accepted it just the same.

What is it?  No clue.  That doesn't matter though.  It's there.  It's real.

Question, do you still have it for your 1st ex from way back?  I'm guessing no.  And the reason you don't have it is because you've broken that emotional attachment.  I have no idea how you do that, but I'm guessing because you still care for her deeply that connection is still there.  It's up to you to break that connection- stop thinking about her, stop playing the 'what if' game, stop secretly hoping that it's all going to work out.

As a person of faith, one Bible verse that's really helped me is 1st Corinthians 7:15.  In layman terms, it says that if a wicked person walks away, let them go and it's not your problem anymore.  I feel like that applies to your situation here.

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« Reply #117 on: March 19, 2023, 01:20:29 PM »

Question, do you still have it for your 1st ex from way back?  I'm guessing no.  And the reason you don't have it is because you've broken that emotional attachment.  I have no idea how you do that, but I'm guessing because you still care for her deeply that connection is still there.  It's up to you to break that connection- stop thinking about her, stop playing the 'what if' game, stop secretly hoping that it's all going to work out.

No, I don't. It went away when I connected with Ex. I'm working on severing it now without replacing it with someone else. It's taxing.

As a person of faith, one Bible verse that's really helped me is 1st Corinthians 7:15.  In layman terms, it says that if a wicked person walks away, let them go and it's not your problem anymore.  I feel like that applies to your situation here.

My "faith" if you can call it that is more universal/elemental based. I believe things happen for reasons, and energy is a thing.
My beliefs are scattered and mostly of my own creation, but I know I was meant to meet and know her, and to grow from the experience.
I attribute a lot of the emotional/spiritual anguish of this all as "beyond body growing pains" . It's the ache of my soul growing, and healing.




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« Reply #118 on: March 19, 2023, 05:23:36 PM »

O'Krunch wrote:
I have something that I struggle to explain, a sensation or a sixth sense so to speak. I'm a very logic science minded person so the existence of this thing was something that baffled and confused me for a long time.

I experienced this with my ex-wife as well as my recent ex, but definitely more aggressively and frequently with recent ex.

When I have formed a bond with someone (this has only occured with two people), I can sense their emotions when they're not around. It has to be very strong emotion.


Read up on what it means to be 'empathic', ... or an empath.

Also, ... go read about the 'Heyoka Empath'.

Not all people are true empaths, ... certainly not someone in the bpd (malignant) spectrum (narcissistic traits), ... any of the severe DSMV cluster 'B's" are also certainly not.

An empath soaks up and actually feels others feelings, & emotions, ... this is a deep rabbit hole, go and study about it, very very interesting.

*Soul Tie
*Trauma Bond

I had a cousin who passed away from lung cancer back in 2018, ... at the moment of her passing, a little after 2:00 AM westcoast time, I was jerked awake at the exact same time/moment, eastcoast time (5:00 AM), ... (a disturbance in the force?) ... I was jerked completely awake, ... immediately I had a very bad trepidation that someone close, family ... had passed away, ... the first person who entered my conscienceless, was my Uncle, which was her father, he was at the bedside with another cousin (Male Nurse) when she passed from this earth realm.

The timeline was confirmed at her memorial celebration for life service a few weeks later, ... other family members experienced the exact same thing.

Yup, we live in a spiritual/dimensional 'plain', ... and we are all interconnected to one another.

No doubt about that.

Sometimes, I am awakened from a semi deep sleep, (lucid dream?) by either of my "wives" simply calling my name, ... it is as clear as a radar beep, ... "one ping only please" ... it is quite weird, my first wife and I have been divorced for seventeen years now, ... and I am no longer 'soul tied' to her, ... neither 'trauma bonded to her'... it doesn't happen as much with her anymore, ... but rather my current wife.

Wife No.2, ... I seem to hear more, ... she has this high pitch voice, ... like a little girl (we have spoken about these little girl's voices on here before) ... I am most certainly still 'soul tied & trauma bonded' to my current (estranged/separated) wife ... for an absolute certainty.

# "one ping only please"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr0JaXfKj68

Yup, I will wake up to her one syllable voice, out of nowhere, ... "Red" ... and that's it, and all my senses go from O-F-F to full ON, in a second, wide awake ...

She lives about 20 miles away now, ... I may see her in passing (highway) about once every few months, and we are pretty much NC, other than a text once in a while.

Hmmm, ...

We live in a 3/4D sensory world, ... although some folks do not seem to 'channel this' ...

Yup, ... Red just gave you some homework Krunchy : )

Learn, and then learn some more, ... and when UR done, come back for seconds, and learn even more.

You may be a high functioning empath Kruch, ... and how kool is that!

NOTAMS, ... narcopaths  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) love Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) empaths, ...
#White Knights (horse and sword included)

Red5
« Last Edit: March 19, 2023, 05:31:09 PM by Red5 » Logged

“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #119 on: March 19, 2023, 06:19:01 PM »

How the hell am I supposed to detach when I have this weird sixth sense, emotional cord connection bull crap going on? I meditate on it to try and sever it, but it has not yet worked.

Have you ever tried a cord cutting mediation? I like the look of this one I just found on YouTube: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NAV9tZdJFpc

I personally have tried this one with some success: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=umi21Iffugs

Edit: Ah, so it seems like you need to do these meditations more than once, and per Michelle Chalfant, after every contact with the person in question: https://gabbybernstein.com/cut-the-cord/
« Last Edit: March 19, 2023, 06:43:09 PM by Couscous » Logged
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