Do BPD spouses actually file divorce or all talk?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here we go again with another round for me.  Of course I'm now a terrible person and do everything wrong.   Divorce talk coming up again but seems more serious this time.  Do bpd spouses actually file or just looking for a reaction?  Every time I gear up and get ready for the long fight everything changes.  Just wondering if she'll actually go through with it or does she just want my attention?  We haven't been getting along recently and I pulled away.

[mikejones75093]

Here we go again with another round for me.  Of course I'm now a terrible person and do everything wrong.   Divorce talk coming up again but seems more serious this time.  Do bpd spouses actually file or just looking for a reaction?  Every time I gear up and get ready for the long fight everything changes.  Just wondering if she'll actually go through with it or does she just want my attention?  We haven't been getting along recently and I pulled away.

[Notwendy]

From reading the posts here, sometimes they do follow through with it and sometimes it's just an empty threat.

My BPD mother threatened this frequently, but didn't follow through on it. I think there are some contributing reasons as to why someone might do it or not.

With my mother's situation, she is very affected by BPD. She was financially dependent on my father and also depended on him for many daily tasks. While she can appear to hold it together in public, she can't actually function on her own and so, actually could not manage if she had divorced him.

From the posts I have read, the spouses who are more likely to follow through seem to be higher functioning. They either have some ability to sustain themselves financially and/or they have found someone else to be in a relationship to do that for them.

This is just my observation from posts and from my parents.

[ForeverDad]

Divorce threats are a sign of major dysfunction in the marriage.  How can a family foster love, calm, stability and care in such an environment?

While some comments of divorce can be a result of real despair in a marriage, when linked to acting-out disordered spouses (Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial and Histrionic are the Cluster B category in the DSM manual) then the divorce threats are typically, at first, ultimatums expecting control, appeasement and weakened boundaries.

In your case, ponder... what does your spouse get out of such threats?  Is it venting when emotions are heightened?  Or is it to get you to capitulate on something, get you to apologize for whatever perceived wrong you've done, or something similar?  So, what changed for things to cool down?  (Yet you know it will flare up again, just give it time.)

A saying that has been echoed down through the years... "If it has been threatened or even contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time."

In that case, will your spouse have maneuvered thing in spouse's favor when it happens?  Will spouse surprise you and catch you off guard, unprepared and defenseless when it becomes real?

[mikejones75093]

It seems like she says it just to get a reaction from me or try to get me to apologize.

It's just getting old being told how horrible I am and how I ruin everything.  I ended up losing my cool and told her to go to he'll and quit talking to her. 

I agree  it's hard being in a family with someone like this,  but it seems the alternative might be just as bad now that kids are involved.

[Notwendy]

Those who have gone through a divorce are in a better position to advise but even so, the pros and cons are probably different for each situation.

I think it is OK, and even important for you to consider yourself in this decision. To sacrifice yourself for your wife's well being "for the sake of the children" is also depriving them of an emotionally present father.

That was the reason my father had for not leaving my BPD mother. He was correct in that at the time, she'd have gotten full custody of us as it went to the mother. Times have changed now and this isn't always the case but you may have to take a stand for your rights to how much you would get.

Being that my mother is low functioning, that would not have been good for us kids. But for other reasons, he decided to stay even after we left home.

Yes, it was hard on him, and also for us kids. We are in a better situation thankfully as we have our own families and homes and don't live with parents. But it was not easy for us to observe the dynamics between them.

This is not an easy decision.

[Sluggo]

Was married 18 years.  After year 8, divorce was threatened often with her taking off wedding ring and putting on nightstand for months amoung multiple verbal threats   I would acquicese eventually changing my behaviour (letting go of friendships, family relationships, etc).  Not one item I 'gave up' was huge but it was a death of a thousand cuts.   By the end of 18 yrs I was an empty shell.   I ended up leaving the home to live filing for divorce shortly after a short temp stay at apartment.  I had 7 kids at home.  So so hard. 

7 years post divorce...  I am back to my old self, although losing kids in divorce , my ex gave up all responsibility of kids within a year of final decree and gave them to me.  Relationship with youngest 4 is great.  Oldest 2 is still severly damaged ( extreme alienation), and third oldest is awkward still.  I believe a bit part of that damage was because the 3 oldest saw the years of verbal and some physical abuse I allowed my ex to say to me.

Sluggo

[zondolit]

I agree  it's hard being in a family with someone like this,  but it seems the alternative might be just as bad now that kids are involved.

This was an agonizing decision for me, but once I made the choice to divorce, I knew it was the right one for me. And the children. I am so sorry my children (and all of us) have to go through divorce, but now they have a stable, safe place with me at least half the time and I can be the parent I want to be instead of parenting under constant duress. The dysfunctional marriage no longer takes so much of my mind, time, and soul.

I often asked myself what I would want my children to do if they were in my situation, and the answer was: leave the marriage.

Each situation is different. I could not have made the decision to divorce on my own--it was too momentous and took too much courage. It was only with the support of therapists, family, friends, and even my pastor that I felt secure enough to make the decision.

[notacarguy]

This was an agonizing decision for me, but once I made the choice to divorce, I knew it was the right one for me. And the children. I am so sorry my children (and all of us) have to go through divorce, but now they have a stable, safe place with me at least half the time and I can be the parent I want to be instead of parenting under constant duress. The dysfunctional marriage no longer takes so much of my mind, time, and soul.

I often asked myself what I would want my children to do if they were in my situation, and the answer was: leave the marriage.

Each situation is different. I could not have made the decision to divorce on my own--it was too momentous and took too much courage. It was only with the support of therapists, family, friends, and even my pastor that I felt secure enough to make the decision.

This is helpful for me, thank you. Gives me confidence that I am making the right decision.

[livednlearned]

Divorce talk coming up again but seems more serious this time. 

What's different this time?

Anything in particular making it feel more serious?

[LifewithEase]

mikejones75093

Your experience resonates with me.

My uBPDw has threatened some sort of divorce, taking the kids, separation, getting court order to remove me from home... etc. our entire marriage. The first time was in our second year of marriage +12 years ago.

Many years ago our MT said clearly to her "Do not ever threaten divorce. It is toxic and harmful." The MT never saw the BPD. My wife didn't (doesn't) have the emotional aptitude to understand this.

Subsequently, when I met my current T, in the second session she said point blank that my uBPDw isn't going to leave. "She would have done it by now." "I see many capable women divorce successfully but these are BPD bluffs." It opened my eyes and world to BPD bluffs. Lots of work has gone into this because it is a HUGE part of walking on eggshells.

Imagine living a life where you're constantly doubting, worrying, or not stable with a large foundation of your life?

I don't want to sound cynical but after years of learning and my own work, there is a good chance she will divorce. There is this concept that after so much "detachment" they need to amp up the dysregulation and abuse so that leads them to "discard."

Recently, the bulk of this year my wife has taken off her wedding ring. I can tell she is using to get attention, faux empowerment, passive aggressive meanness. As a daily non-verbal threat. I have not and will not acknowledge it. Will not play into it.

Her fingers. Her ring. Her choice. Not my dysregulation.

[mikejones75093]

Well she actually filed.  Found the charge on my card today.  When I asked her about it all she did was say she was so loyal to me, she gave me everything, she did everything.

When I brought up her yelling, screaming,  blaming everything on me, making up things I never did just to get mad.  Her impulsive over spending.

She even tried to tell me one of the times she raged at me never even happened.

I'm so upset I can't tell if this is a good thing or not.  I was mad at her for the past few days I haven't spoken to her, so I can't tell if this is for attention or not.  Tried to tell her let's work it out and she said no. I'm lost at this point.  Don't want to tear my family up and screw up my kids.  This seems like it will be really bad for them.

[Notwendy]

 Don't want to tear my family up and screw up my kids.  This seems like it will be really bad for them.

bein

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I think at this point, the best thing you can do to protect your kids, and yourself, is to consult your own lawyer.

As the adult child of a mother with BPD, either way, BPD mother's behavior affected our family. My father didn't leave our mother, but her issues were still the focus of the family dynamics. It was not a calm or happy family experience. I have read here that for some posters who did divorce, there was the chance to provide some sort of calm environment for the kids when they had them. I think posting on the "conflicted" board will get some responses from some of them who have gone through this.  I think both paths have their own pros and cons but if she's intent on divorce, you may not have the choice of which one.

[mikejones75093]

I'm just lost.  It's never gone this far in the past, but I have also never been so upset about her behavior that I stopped talking to her for 3 days either.  I can't tell if it's an attention grab or for real but it has jolted me.

If we go through this who knows what she will say through the divorce.  I'm afraid she will make all kinds of things up to make me look bad.

[Notwendy]

That's understandable. I think it's all the more reason to consult a lawyer for your own protection if she makes unfounded claims. Hopefully some of the posters who have gone through this will share their advice.

[mikejones75093]

After she went off telling me how she was amazing and all that I told her what our counselor said about the bpd.  She acted like that meeting never happened and is really mad now

[Notwendy]

I understand. I have observed my BPD mother's behaviors both with my father and with her children, and then other people as well. BPD affects all relationships.

Her emotional issues have been a well protected family secret. The worst thing anyone could do was to suggest that she has any issues or speak about them to anyone. Confronting her with her behavior results in her being very angry.

BPD affects the most intimate relationships the most, so while it may feel she does this mostly with you ( as her closest connection), it's with all relationships to some extent because it's a disorder that affects relationships.

The suggestion to contact a lawyer isn't because you want the divorce. It's a defense move- protect your assets, your custody rights, and from her false allegations. At least get the information you need to do this should she proceed further with her divorce plans. Maybe she will change her mind and maybe she won't- but you will know what you need to do, and have a lawyer in the event she follows through with it.

[livednlearned]

I'm just lost.  It's never gone this far in the past, but I have also never been so upset about her behavior that I stopped talking to her for 3 days either.  I can't tell if it's an attention grab or for real but it has jolted me.

It's possible it's neither. She may be flooded with intense emotion. Fearing an even worse abandonment than the silent treatment, she may be retaliating or beating you to the punch, thinking that's what you were teeing up to do yourself. People with BPD often experience a nearly existential fear of abandonment, or being alone.

3 days of not talking is really tough in a relationship. For someone with severe abandonment fears, the silent treatment may have felt like a type of annihilation. In Patricia Evan's book on verbal abuse, she describes the silent treatment as a form of abuse worse than name-calling.

I understand the desire to not speak for days. It's also possible that silence had more of an impact on her than yelling would have and she is manifesting that pain by consulting an attorney.

It's hard to wrap our head around BPD patterns when we're in extreme pain and it's understandable if you are hurting too much to try and communicate with her.

However, to Notwendy's point, it's a good idea to consult with an attorney because these things can get gnarly quick if your wife consults an aggressive attorney. You need to know how things work where you live to avoid missteps. My attorney didn't advise me to empty our bank accounts but she kind of did. She simply told me that she had clients who came to empty homes and there is not a whole lot judges or lawyers can do expect ballpark a number that is never high.

Whether you consult an attorney or not, observe whether your wife is returning to baseline. Does it look like she paid for a consultation or is it a larger amount for retainer? My guess is it's the former.

There are recommended ways to help bring someone emotionally dysregulated back to baseline but they won't work if you yourself are feeling flooded.

My ex wanted to reconcile after I filed for divorce. In the next breath was a description of the ways in which I was flawed.

It's too confusing to make sense of those conflicting sentiments when emotions are flooded.

[ForeverDad]

Don't want to tear my family up and screw up my kids.  This seems like it will be really bad for them.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I think at this point, the best thing you can do to protect your kids, and yourself, is to consult your own lawyer.

As the adult child of a mother with BPD, either way, BPD mother's behavior affected our family. My father didn't leave our mother, but her issues were still the focus of the family dynamics. It was not a calm or happy family experience. ... I think both paths have their own pros and cons but if she's intent on divorce, you may not have the choice of which one.

Your children are already impacted.  The walls have ears, so to speak.  At the least they can sense the dysfunction in the family.  If it continues, then it will be hard for them to know what is normal versus abnormal, functional versus dysfunctional, since all they experience is the abnormal and dysfunctional.  And worse, when they grow up and seek their own adult relationships, they're at risk of choosing examples they're familiar with, someone like dad or someone like mom.

Though divorce feels so disastrous - it did to me too - it may be a way for the children to live at least a part of their lives in a calm and stable environment with the reasonably normal parent, free from the flying monkeys, discord and reality twisted into crazy perceptions.

[Notwendy]

What we'd consider a normal emotional response to some of their behavior may be something else to them. We should not have to walk on eggshells, but one of the frustrating aspects of BPD is the inability to get some resolution of an issue or some understanding of the other person's feelings. Even a slight to BPD mother could be the crime of the century to her in the moment.

I can fully understand your being too upset to talk when your wife's behavior is outrageous. I think pwBPD see things from the victim perspective. Sometimes I might mention some friendly advice. She hears this as invalidating and as if I am telling her what to do. When she's angry and feels hurt, she tends to do hurtful things in return.

I think the lawyer is a good idea as you don't want to be caught off guard with being served and your joint account emptied. It's not that you want a divorce but when someone has the potential to take this too far, you need to protect your assets and your custody rights.

[ForeverDad]

I recall when my then-spouse got super angry with me...

This is yet another reminder that anything not fully in our control is going to vanish or be sabotaged.  Leaving a large sum of money in a joint account when separating is just inviting the other spouse to raid the cookie jar.  Joint bank accounts and especially joint credit cards are risky.

In my case, I did have my paycheck going into our joint account.  But when we went together, I bought a car and she thereafter refused to sign her rights notification in the standard J&S waiver from my 401(k) account, they would not issue me the loan I had planned on.  I had to rush to a bank and get a personal loan at a much higher rate.  While there I had the brilliant idea to open a personal checking account and changed my auto deposit to there.  Oh boy, did she howl and rage for me to undo it, but I told her I had to because she refused at the last hour to sign the standard acknowledgment form and hence blocked my 401(k) loan.  Mind you, she had accompanied me to look at the car and help me with driving to get both cars home.  Two months later the police got involved and that was the end.  I didn't have much money, but my paycheck was safe and it was easy to call the credit card companies and cancel our cards to the other's credit accounts.  Fortunately no joint credit card accounts.

When our marriage of 15 years was nearing its end with her flaming out, she went with me when I replaced a car but a few days later she flatly refused to sign a simple 401(k) loan J&S acknowledgement as required by law.  Lacking that signature, I couldn't get that loan so I had to rush to a bank to apply for a loan.  While there I opened a checking account and moved my paycheck there, the bank's instructions.  Yikes, what a scene it was when she found out.  To her it didn't matter that she had nearly sabotaged my car purchase, she demanded I put my paycheck auto deposit back in the joint account.  Meanwhile she moved into our preschooler's room and locked herself inside at night, and did other things to make it quite evident it was too dangerous for us to stay together.  Did my changing the deposit cause The End?  No, if it wasn't that, then it would have been something else.  And that's the point.  If I hadn't set that boundary then, however small it was, I would have continued my appeasing ways and perhaps not saved myself when it all did come crashing down one weekend a few months later.

[Joaquin]

Those who have gone through a divorce are in a better position to advise but even so, the pros and cons are probably different for each situation.

I think it is OK, and even important for you to consider yourself in this decision. To sacrifice yourself for your wife's well being "for the sake of the children" is also depriving them of an emotionally present father.

That was the reason my father had for not leaving my BPD mother. He was correct in that at the time, she'd have gotten full custody of us as it went to the mother. Times have changed now and this isn't always the case but you may have to take a stand for your rights to how much you would get.

Being that my mother is low functioning, that would not have been good for us kids. But for other reasons, he decided to stay even after we left home.

Yes, it was hard on him, and also for us kids. We are in a better situation thankfully as we have our own families and homes and don't live with parents. But it was not easy for us to observe the dynamics between them.

This is not an easy decision.

This is an unrelated question and feel free not to answer if it’s too personal. I have an uBPDw and I can’t help but wonder if our kids will inherit it. It sometimes gives me pause at the thought of having more kids. Did any of your siblings inherit any of your mom’s BPD?

[Notwendy]

Thankfully none of us have BPD. I think we have all struggled in different ways due the dynamics in the family.

So how are we kids different? Children come into this world with their own temperaments. Also, disordered parents assign different roles to children. Just as they can split to paining someone black or white, they also can do this with different children. I am the scapegoat child, a sibling is the golden child. While this may appear to be better for the golden child, in our family, the golden child is more enmeshed and had a more difficult time separating as an adult whereas for me the transition to adulthood was easier.

I can see the emotional effects of having a BPD parent, but we are self aware adults, worked with counselors on the family issues, been in 12 step ACA programs. We are employed, capable of having stable relationships. Just as you fear your child may have BPD- one of my fears was - would I become like my mother? But therapists have assured us we do not have BPD.

I think an important insight was also about my father's role in the relationship. I perceived my mother as the "problem" and my father as the good guy victim. A counselor suggested that I was co-dependent, something I found puzzling as I was actually more independent and on my own since childhood. This is different- it's emotional codependency. It's not obvious- here's a highly educated and functional person who supported the family- and my mother was the dependent person. But once I looked into this, through looking at my own behaviors, I realized that my father- as enabler, rescuer, caretaker, walking on eggshells, and agreeing with my mother- was also a part of their dynamics.

As kids, we knew to not behave like my mother and we didn't have BPD behaviors- but we learned from our other role model too- he certainly had some amazing traits- responsibility, work, education, and being reliable...and also co-dependent. Something to consider.

[Joaquin]

Thx so much for this thorough reply. Really helpful. We just had our first separation talk last night. Idk what’ll happen but when I imagine us divorced I have a small fear that I won’t be able to protect my daughter emotionally in the future if I’m not always there. My uBPDw isn’t explosive but can develop very strong negative emotions based on perceived slights and can carry a lot of quiet anger towards others. I think she’s a good person underneath and I know she loves our daughter and has so far been a great mother, though her anger has been getting the better of her lately when our daughter doesn’t cooperate. Idk if you know the answer, but the other question I’m wondering is whether and how I should tell our daughter about her mom’s BPD in the future if we’re divorced. I feel like it’s wrong in a way, like a betrayal of good faith coparenting, but I’ve also been advised that it’s important to tell kids so they can understand their relationship with their mom. Would I tell them not to tell their mom? I know I’d be very upset if she told our kids I have an undiagnosed serious personality disorder.

I don’t think I’m codependent bc I absolutely love being alone and am extremely independent (one of my traits my wife sees as a major threat of abandonment/rejection). But I also guilt myself really hard to give more than I should, so idk what that might fall under.

Thankfully none of us have BPD. I think we have all struggled in different ways due the dynamics in the family.

So how are we kids different? Children come into this world with their own temperaments. Also, disordered parents assign different roles to children. Just as they can split to paining someone black or white, they also can do this with different children. I am the scapegoat child, a sibling is the golden child. While this may appear to be better for the golden child, in our family, the golden child is more enmeshed and had a more difficult time separating as an adult whereas for me the transition to adulthood was easier.

I can see the emotional effects of having a BPD parent, but we are self aware adults, worked with counselors on the family issues, been in 12 step ACA programs. We are employed, capable of having stable relationships. Just as you fear your child may have BPD- one of my fears was - would I become like my mother? But therapists have assured us we do not have BPD.

I think an important insight was also about my father's role in the relationship. I perceived my mother as the "problem" and my father as the good guy victim. A counselor suggested that I was co-dependent, something I found puzzling as I was actually more independent and on my own since childhood. This is different- it's emotional codependency. It's not obvious- here's a highly educated and functional person who supported the family- and my mother was the dependent person. But once I looked into this, through looking at my own behaviors, I realized that my father- as enabler, rescuer, caretaker, walking on eggshells, and agreeing with my mother- was also a part of their dynamics.

As kids, we knew to not behave like my mother and we didn't have BPD behaviors- but we learned from our other role model too- he certainly had some amazing traits- responsibility, work, education, and being reliable...and also co-dependent. Something to consider.

[Notwendy]

For reference, I am middle aged, and so for my parents, most of their marriage was at a time when BPD wasn't well known and there was no internet. I didn't know anything about BPD and probably my father didn't either. My mother was in and out of mental health care, probably with different diagnoses but that wasn't ever discussed.

I think it would have been better for me to know -at the age where I could understand what mental illness is and for me that was early adolescence. I think what caused more problems was the secrecy and denial and the presenting BPD mother as normal. We were not allowed to ask about her behaviors or say anything about them. When I was a teen, my mother told me I was the cause of any problems and also the cause of issues between her and my father. When I went to college, I believed my family would be happier when I wasn't living at home. Of course that wasn't true but I didn't know that at the time.

There's also a cognitive dissonance that happens as kids become more aware and see something is different but nobody is explaining why. I knew something was different about my mother but it was like the Emperor Has No Clothes in our house. By high school and college, I was "looking for my mother" in psychology books but it wasn't in the books at that time.

I think young people are more open to discussing mental illness and it's all over TV and the internet. I think in time, your kids are going to figure this out on their own. This is my own personal opinion but I think it's best for them to hear it from a counselor and that they will need counseling to learn how to deal with their mother- whether the two of you stay together or not- to preserve their relationship and not have them believe false stories about themselves or their mother. I also think this avoids any triangulation with you and their mother.

My kids are young adults now, but by adolescence they could see for themselves that grandma had issues and they saw me try to navigate that relationship. They know that I seek help from counselors and 12 step groups. I am open with that because I want them to see that it is OK to seek help if needed. By their adolescence I told them about BPD. I had boundaries to protect them but if grandma did or said something, I wanted them to know it's not their fault.

I hope this helps you gage what to do.

[Joaquin]

Very helpful. Thank you.

For reference, I am middle aged, and so for my parents, most of their marriage was at a time when BPD wasn't well known and there was no internet. I didn't know anything about BPD and probably my father didn't either. My mother was in and out of mental health care, probably with different diagnoses but that wasn't ever discussed.

I think it would have been better for me to know -at the age where I could understand what mental illness is and for me that was early adolescence. I think what caused more problems was the secrecy and denial and the presenting BPD mother as normal. We were not allowed to ask about her behaviors or say anything about them. When I was a teen, my mother told me I was the cause of any problems and also the cause of issues between her and my father. When I went to college, I believed my family would be happier when I wasn't living at home. Of course that wasn't true but I didn't know that at the time.

There's also a cognitive dissonance that happens as kids become more aware and see something is different but nobody is explaining why. I knew something was different about my mother but it was like the Emperor Has No Clothes in our house. By high school and college, I was "looking for my mother" in psychology books but it wasn't in the books at that time.

I think young people are more open to discussing mental illness and it's all over TV and the internet. I think in time, your kids are going to figure this out on their own. This is my own personal opinion but I think it's best for them to hear it from a counselor and that they will need counseling to learn how to deal with their mother- whether the two of you stay together or not- to preserve their relationship and not have them believe false stories about themselves or their mother. I also think this avoids any triangulation with you and their mother.

My kids are young adults now, but by adolescence they could see for themselves that grandma had issues and they saw me try to navigate that relationship. They know that I seek help from counselors and 12 step groups. I am open with that because I want them to see that it is OK to seek help if needed. By their adolescence I told them about BPD. I had boundaries to protect them but if grandma did or said something, I wanted them to know it's not their fault.

I hope this helps you gage what to do.

[livednlearned]

After she went off telling me how she was amazing and all that I told her what our counselor said about the bpd.  She acted like that meeting never happened and is really mad now

If you feel comfortable, let us know how things are going.

It can be hard to address both angles. She might be bluffing, in which case there's one path. She might be serious, in which that path involves protecting yourself.

A lot of us found ourselves doing both and it's really tough emotionally.

[mikejones75093]

As much as this isn't my fault, it is.  I should have just confronted her when all this started and never went quiet on her.  I was so angry with what she did, and taking time to think it over ended up making it worse.

Well the other night we started acting normal again so I figured her emotions had passed.  This is normal for her, 1 week a month she will find something no latter how small to go crazy on me about then it passes like a tornado and she's in an amazing mood.   I still think they have passed because we are communicating normal but she called me today to start asking about how she needs to go about finding a house.

I don't know if me getting over being mad and trying to work it out reinforced her behavior so she's still going trying to get something out of me.

Either way I feel like I lost.   I'm not ready to blow up my family and finances right now and staying together feels like the best option.

[LifewithEase]

I think about this ALL OF THE TIME.

My uBPDw has [unspoken] serious mental wellness issues with her father and his siblings. It is not discussed. AT ALL. It has been alluded to exactly 5 times in +12 years. 

And years later when I was trying to learn more from my brother-in-law [who married into my wife's sister] trying causally explore, while hanging at the grill, he surprised me by saying my wife's mother is the bigger concern.

Sidenote: my mother-in-law actually tried to commit suicide as an adult.

This is an unrelated question and feel free not to answer if it’s too personal. I have an uBPDw and I can’t help but wonder if our kids will inherit it. It sometimes gives me pause at the thought of having more kids. Did any of your siblings inherit any of your mom’s BPD?

[LifewithEase]

Joaquin,

This really truly resonates with me.

...when I imagine us divorced I have a small fear that I won’t be able to protect my daughter emotionally in the future if I’m not always there. My uBPDw isn’t explosive but can develop very strong negative emotions based on perceived slights and can carry a lot of quiet anger towards others. I think she’s a good person underneath and I know she loves our daughter and has so far been a great mother, though her anger has been getting the better of her lately when our daughter doesn’t cooperate...

wondering is whether and how I should tell our daughter about her mom’s BPD in the future if we’re divorced.

[LifewithEase]

MikeJones75093

I hear ya. I am constantly debating the rub...just this week.

- I should confront her to establish boundaries, improve communication

but

- I need time to nurse this emotional hangover she's given me after crazy making

and

- I need time to process; filter out the false narrative, amazingly convincing circular logic; and the double binds

and

- I'm too just exhausted

but

- if I don't confront her is it just "reinforcing her behavior?"

As much as this isn't my fault, it is.  I should have just confronted her when all this started and never went quiet on her.  I was so angry with what she did, and taking time to think it over ended up making it worse.

Well the other night we started acting normal again so I figured her emotions had passed.  This is normal for her, 1 week a month she will find something no latter how small to go crazy on me about then it passes like a tornado and she's in an amazing mood.   I still think they have passed because we are communicating normal but she called me today to start asking about how she needs to go about finding a house.

I don't know if me getting over being mad and trying to work it out reinforced her behavior so she's still going trying to get something out of me.

Either way I feel like I lost.   I'm not ready to blow up my family and finances right now and staying together feels like the best option.