SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been awhile since I have posted on these boards because I have been trying to deal with the residual effects of being married to one of these people and being here was proving to be painful.  However, I have started to feel stronger emotionally and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to chime in here.  So, here is my story.

It appears that he was carrying on with 2 women in the last few years of our 26-year marriage.  However, I don't think my xuBPDh would have truly left if I hadn't filed for divorce and then insisted that he remove all of his things from the home.  The final straw was that I caught him in another lie about where he was while I was working. I worked nights at the time and caught him going down the highway to mistress #1's house (not that he ever admitted he was in a relationship with her). We had been married for many years, most of which consisted of his cheating (and lying to me about it), continued verbal/emotional abuse, etc. (same story as everyone else here on these boards). 

In the end, I think, we would still be married if I hadn't moved things forward.  It was that weird 'push-pull' that they do, where he wanted to leave all his things in our home (and intact - i.e. keep his office the same, etc. as though he could one day walk back through that door and everything would be ready for him) while he moved to another country/continent to work and shack up with the woman that lived there.  No admission that he was in an affair with someone, no indication that he intended to file for divorce, no honesty in what he was doing.  Just "I decided to take the job in Australia" (we live in the pacific northwest) and "I'm going to focus on what I need right now because I am tired of taking care of everyone" (pretty funny coming from someone who struggles to put himself second in anything). And, it made him angry that I kept his 'feet to the fire' so to speak in terms of making sure that all the financial agreements, divorce papers were signed, etc. before he left the country.

I have been NC since the last week of September 2009 and can't believe how much happier I am without him in my home.  Currently, I am doing a lot of 'mop up' in terms of the damage that was done to my kids and myself.  We are all moving towards a better life without him and I am most thankful that I finally came out of that fog and said "I done"... .

[mn36]

It's been awhile since I have posted on these boards because I have been trying to deal with the residual effects of being married to one of these people and being here was proving to be painful.  However, I have started to feel stronger emotionally and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to chime in here.  So, here is my story.

It appears that he was carrying on with 2 women in the last few years of our 26-year marriage.  However, I don't think my xuBPDh would have truly left if I hadn't filed for divorce and then insisted that he remove all of his things from the home.  The final straw was that I caught him in another lie about where he was while I was working. I worked nights at the time and caught him going down the highway to mistress #1's house (not that he ever admitted he was in a relationship with her). We had been married for many years, most of which consisted of his cheating (and lying to me about it), continued verbal/emotional abuse, etc. (same story as everyone else here on these boards). 

In the end, I think, we would still be married if I hadn't moved things forward.  It was that weird 'push-pull' that they do, where he wanted to leave all his things in our home (and intact - i.e. keep his office the same, etc. as though he could one day walk back through that door and everything would be ready for him) while he moved to another country/continent to work and shack up with the woman that lived there.  No admission that he was in an affair with someone, no indication that he intended to file for divorce, no honesty in what he was doing.  Just "I decided to take the job in Australia" (we live in the pacific northwest) and "I'm going to focus on what I need right now because I am tired of taking care of everyone" (pretty funny coming from someone who struggles to put himself second in anything). And, it made him angry that I kept his 'feet to the fire' so to speak in terms of making sure that all the financial agreements, divorce papers were signed, etc. before he left the country.

I have been NC since the last week of September 2009 and can't believe how much happier I am without him in my home.  Currently, I am doing a lot of 'mop up' in terms of the damage that was done to my kids and myself.  We are all moving towards a better life without him and I am most thankful that I finally came out of that fog and said "I done"... .

[texas.moxie]

When his verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse I had him arrested.  Got a restraining order to keep him off my property.

He NEVER would have left if he hadn't been hauled off in handcuffs.  NEVER.

[juner]

It was a bizarre one-sided fight that escalated fast. As usual, I was suddenly on the defensive. Then I just stopped, declared I didn't know what to do and walked out. Neither one of us has reached out since.

[rosebud]

It was a bizarre one-sided fight that escalated fast. As usual, I was suddenly on the defensive. Then I just stopped, declared I didn't know what to do and walked out. Neither one of us has reached out since.

Pretty much the same with me.  It was different this time... .enough... .just STOP.   :'(;p

[familysuffersfrombpd]

I'm curious... .I'm still 18 months pending after filing for divorce.  He hid a lot of things so even though custody was easy... .he still wants to control me.  Seems that he is more worried - what little time he takes the children - about my "free time" than being excited about the kids and he has a girlfriend! 

[lieslieslies]

hi all,

I find answers 1 and 6 represents 57 % of quiz here, amazing high frequency in BPD SO are the ones leaving US,

never thought it would be so in 3 out of 5, did you ? one reason IMO is that we have come to know them to well, or ?

3L

[hiddenlizard]

I checked "still in contact".

In reality BPD left. He left so many times I cannot remember all of them. In just a year and a few months of marriage. Then he would want to come back. The last time he left I said no more but I think I can best describe my situation as "weaning". I have the divorce papers filled out and have brought the subject up but I'll bet he does not believe I will really do it. A few days ago he wanted to "renew our vows"  

The time is coming. Soon. It is spring and time for new beginnings. I almost wish he would find someone new but: I would never wish this sh** on someone else and we live in a very rural area and the chance of him finding another lover is slim to none and slim just left town.

[js friend]

He left a week before my birthday.He asked me to make a list of the things I wanted/or wanted to do for my birthday.He came for the list and left.I never heard from him again until 18 months later.He offered no apology or explanation.He just said it was something i said to him on the day he came to collect the list,but wouldnt say what it was.When we met up 18 months later, he took my birthday list out of his wallet to show me that he had kept it as he proceeded to tell me how much he had missed me during those 18 months.How f**ked up is that?

[angry hurt]

I threw her out after I caught her using my credit card without my knowledge, making up a hidden email account to hide her using my card knowing fine well i'd see the statement, opening catlogue accounts in my name with out my knowledge and adding another credit card to her bingo account without me knowing . She also was emailing her ex boss in a fashion that was as if she was his mistress arranging a meeting . I.e " I have a car now so that will make it a bit easier for me to come down and see you". When I packed her bags and told her she was rumbled she talked me round saying calmly that he was just a good friend and thats the way they talked to each other. There was babe at end of each sentence and also xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx . not just xx or x x x . I still took her back. Then early on in the realaition ship I founf out she had handed out her phone number only days into getting a new job. I rang the number and he did not deny this. It was him whom said she gave him number syaing she was single. That was it. I ended it and threw her out this time. She was not bothered. She moved into her place of work. But when somone local found out we split they sent in a letter to her place of work telling them what she was like. Thief and been in jail. This led to her ringing me saying shed been sacked. She started telling me that she wanted me and wish she never took the job. I thought that it was bar work making her behave like this. Then she was offered her old job back and a place to stay then she was off. She had me wnating her to stay and twisted it as if she was leaving me. Since finding this site I did not understand what was going on. But thanks to yous all on here I am totaly convinced i've had a lucky escape.

[gary1958]

Well... .Mine walked out raging, half dressed in the middle of sex over a percieved slight one night. Yelled to me and the world outside that the relationship was over. That was 3 1/2 years ago. 3 or 4 feeble attempts at contact in that time. I have ignored them all.

[Blythe1976]

I clicked "I left BPD (BPD forced it)", and what I mean is, his abuse had been escalating for several months during which we recycled 7 or 8 times, and then one night in August, he raged at me for no reason, pulled another "devalue and discard" routine, and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was the rage/d&d that broke the camel's back.

So I hope that's what you mean by the BPD "forced" me into leaving him. His behavior was screaming, "Get out of my life!" even though his words after I left him were "You're making a big mistake to leave me."

:::sigh:::

[fogbound]

After several recycles including an aborted attempt to divorce last summer, I had finally had enough of being treated like or accused of being the (choose one or more) slave, houseboy, breadwinner, cook, sounding board, villain, problem solver, bad guy, adulterer, porn addict. I just couldn't take my reality distorted anymore so I moved out and filed for divorce. It's going to be a divorce from hell.

[sparky]

After a 2 yr r/s of typical BPD/NPD/aspd CRAP, where I thought we were working together to beat the demon (BPD)... .his mask was ripped off by his sister calling me and unwittingly revealing his 'other life'... .it's a great story if you didn't live it. 

It was then and there that I KNEW he was not only BPD, but a psychopath as well... .YIKES!  I'm out now 7 weeks and it sucks big time.  The betrayal I feel is immense, but it's getting better every day... .little by little.

I knew it would NEVER work after that phone call... .although I ignored my gut from the beginning, I actually knew long before the phone call that it would never work.  That call had to happen in order for me to see exactly who/what he is.  It's a blessing in disguise... .it's over... .I left him, FINALLY!   

[Benny]

Towards the end of a 7 year on again off again r/s my emotional endurance simply ran out and my tolerance of her behavior ended.

The last 3 or 4 times she was with me I couldnt wait for her to leave my house so after the last time,about three months ago, I went NC,she has tried to reconnect several times since but Ive ignored her texts.

Going NC without explaining anything to her might seem harsh but there was no talk of seeing each other again after her last visit and she knows why Ive done it,she is far from unaware or stupid and Im so glad its all finally over.

[becstar]

I am so glad to have read these posts and now realise that there are lots of people living the same emotional rollercoaster as me. My BPD and I have had endless break ups and re unions we have been together (on again off again for the last 2 years) for 6 and a half years, mostly initiated by him, though its like he can tell I am getting exhausted, I am too weak to initate the break up as I care loads about him and at times feel breaking up is not an option. My BPD left me (well I forced it) 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since, he won't give me my belongings back as his way of at some stage pawning contact. We had a massive fight about his lying and constant cheating on me with people and he lost the plot to the extreme, other people in the street came out to make sure that I was ok. I am hoping this is going to be the end and that there is no contact between us again.

My question is, is there any chance a relationship with a BPD can work to benefit both parties involved and if so what are the secrets to success?

I am so relieved after reading these posts... .now for my new life without a BPD

[Mystic]

I had no idea that mine was even thinking about leaving til I saw a message from his niece to him on FB asking him if he was moving in with their family (his well to do sister's).  Apparently on a visit there she'd offered him a place to stay and the promise of lucrative jobs in the area.  Shame she didn't pony up with such care when I was spending thousands to help him move home.  And here I thought she liked me and was happy that he was with someone who loved him so.  

Anyway, I confronted him about the post, he flew into a rage, tore everything out of here and was gone in less than 2 days.  Just the day before the post we'd been out grocery shopping, planning meals, everything was fine.  Well, fine as anything can be living with someone like that.  I had no idea what was coming.  I was completely destroyed and have been picking up the pieces since.  The emotional and financial toll on me were terrible and shameful and if there is any law of reciprocity, he's in for a ride.  And so is his nasty sister.  

What ugly, evil people.

As for me, I never would have left him or ended it.  I loved him completely and would have done anything to make it work.  I guess I should say Thank God he's gone, because he likely would have completely destroyed me.  

At this point, I've learned all the hard lessons and I still have a life to salvage. 

[OverBoard]

I moved her out. At the year and half mark of living with me, things changed. She drank excessively and had numerous online affairs. She never "left" really, she would rage and condemn, run off on foot to local bars to get drunk and carry on with strange men, blaming me for all of it. I did everything for her and loved her with all my heart. There were four breaks with her being arrested by my call. Each time she pleaded to come back and promised to make things better. But, as I see it now, it was because she had not worked in the two years and once working in the final month, she found several "victims" one of now was her rich boss, divorced and in a high profile job that she conducts bus. with; Doctors, plastic surgeons, etc. (Just up her ally). She did everything she could to make me loose my job of 8 months after being unemployed for some time. Jealousy. Then she finally finds a job and is hooking up. Found proof of emails, various websites, phone records (when she was home and I was working). One thing led to another and a bag full of false promises, though she claimed she loved me and didnt' want to loose us. Once she was working, she was shutting down even more as all her attention was processing to the next "victim". Her drinking was "overboard", her lies thru the relationship; horrific. She even lied about being divorced (married for 11 years this month to some guy out of the country) and lied about so much. She also was having a long distance affair with another and that became apparent in emails, late night hidden phone calls, gifts being sent to her and the lies between the two of them.

Longggggggggg story short. I moved her out on July 12, 2010. Three months of communication via text only then she cut it off 100% Nov 11, 2010. I have not seen in her 5 months vs the other times she came running back, and now I have not heard a word from her in a month plus. Yes, she still is with that company and I heard she has a car now, rent is being paid and she is getting all HER needs met for free.

[Mystic]

I guess it helps a bit seeing that they do leave, seems the percentage of them being the leaver is pretty high.  I'd felt such extreme rejection, hurt, humiliation and shame after he'd left... .at least I can take it all a bit less personally.  A lot I've read about BPD says that they tend to not leave because of their abandonment stuff.  Then I've read the stuff that says they'll leave you if they feel themselves getting too close, or to make sure you don't leave them first.  

Doesn't matter I guess.  He destroyed our relationship and walked away hurling blame and insults.  After all I'd done and given... .

I'm afraid to say that I think I've survived the worst anyone could do to me... .I wouldn't want to tempt fate... .but I do believe it's true.  

[BillP]

My exBPD threw me outof her house, once she had the new b/f in place. Knowing full well I had no place to go, and no family or resources to relocate. However, I have been able to start the recovery process and feel better knowing she's not in my life anymore (hopefully for good).

I have to admit, knowing that the new b/f didn't work out with her made my day.

[Manon46]

Mine was hospitalized after a suicide attempt... .he was so arrogant to keep saying that he had so many friends where he could go... so I finally said... fine... go there... never let him in anymore... only for the weekends when my kids were not around... untill he found another gf... he stopped coming... and I filed for divorce... it all did go through textmssgs... .awful... he still lives with her, but things are very bad now for him... can't help feeling a little satisfied with that, specially now it's going so well with me... but I don't wish for anybody to go through the hell of an ending or ongoing relationship with a NPD/BPD/ASPD... .

[lurchlookalike]

There will never be freedom from a BPD when there are kids and money involved.

I'm afraid that is very true. It's a different ballgame when this is involved.

[canucky]

I left mine almost three months ago. She was ecessively yelling at her already crying son (8yrs)old while he was trying to apologize for something he shouldn't have even been apologizing for in my books. I stepped in and told her to cut it out because it was past discplinary and abusive plus he didn't do anything wrong but asked her too not take so long which even I thought she was. 15 mins earlier we were all in bed playing games together being a family. Big mistake since she directed it on me like a volcano explosion(telling me to shut the **** up you piece of ** and i basically had enough of it after 4 years sucking it up not even be able to tell your partner to stop screaming at her son that i raised mostly the last 4 years alone basically. I was definitely his protector against her illness and sometime I was her too. I picked up my things I brought for the weekend and pushed out the door she was trying to block after screaming for 30 mins straight. I was going to just let her calm down for a few hours which I did often but when she threatened to call the police for me pushing my way past her that signed the deal for me to drive home 2 hrs. Before I left she extorted 400.00 dollars from me or she would call the cops. I decided it just wasn't worth it paid her the 400.00 got on the hwy, ignored all the angry and more threatening texts all the way home and went strict NC but then so did she. I emailed her once in the 3 months of NC in a weak moment basically saying I can see it is over and apologies if I touched her too harsh in me bolting although I did do anything but push her aside to get out the door. No reply thank god. This was a women I loved deeply... .so deeply I helped get her off a horrible drug addiction (oxy/coke) from beginning to end, cheating with old exs, relaspes, being recycled, 3 cars destroyed and my porsche gone, being homeless cause she kicked me out numerous times and spent everything and a nice hefty price tag somewhere around 300000 in about two years. I even got her on the show intervention which never panned out. I knew though I would lose out to this BPD illness after I got her clean and she would never get help. Even I am not that good with all the blessing I have as a person.

I think I had to always put one last effort in to see if she would but I truly got tired of the let downs, false promises. She even put on her facebook "people I love" with about 29 people a month after I left. Not one of me but her ex bf who actually got her on drugs, some guy she met on  vacation she knew for a week. I mean please... .at that point I felt everything I have ever read here all at once and said to myself... .it is time to move on bud.

I am worried she will draw me in one day like most here just when you are almost through your process of heasling. I am hoipng I will be recovered long enough to fight it off and maybe even be in a healthy relationship and can just wish her well at her attempts and brush them off.

Canucky

[oceanwind]

Mine drove me to it in a rage episode on the phone.

She, for some reason wanted me to be the one that did it, anyway I told her I wanted a "break"

She was adamant it was all my fault 100%.

If you heard the trivial things she blamed on me for ruining the relationship you would laugh.

Stuff like,

Not making their beds on the boat for them one weekend (my boat) 

Leaving a mess on a table in my apartment.

Snoring.

I treated her and her kids like royalty and brought love into that house.

I was way too good to her. Every room in her house has something nice in it I put there.

I stupidly just bought her a big Christmas present only yesterday.

I sent her an email telling her where to collect it.

I got the usual cold email back. (She struggles with the words Thanks and Sorry and My fault).

Sure what can you expect from a mule, but a kick. I hope I learn some day.

Thats it, I'm going cold on her because I don't want her back anymore.

She has not seen me going cold on her yet.

She sucks so bad. Six years of copybook BPD just like it says here :-

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

Her loss. I have my own successful business, apartment, 4X4, good bank. no dependants etc. etc etc.

She is on social welfare. Luckily she never moved in.

I'm afraid, The Golden Goose will be in the oven this Christmas   

I do intend to stay in touch with her kids. They were not mine but I love them like they are.

Sorry for the rant guys. Can love turn to hate this quick?

Maybe the Penny's dropped... .I'm think I'm getting better.

[lifeisgoodx10]

I left him.

[distressb]

My BPDgf of 10 years put me through ten days of abuse. Physical, verbal and emotional. She hit me after a rage attack. Which was my fault for hugging her. She then denied it. Broke my property  ... .the list goes on. She wouldn't allow me to sleep for 10 days. At the end of it I had a nervous breakdown. Which was also my fault btw. I realised then she had to go. She never made it easy. I was showered with guilt trips.

The sad thing is after nearly 5 months nc. I still have flashbacks to them 10 days. I would wish this on my worst enemy.   

[an]

He screamed for 2 days he wanted a divorce, again. I am meeting with my lawyer next week.

[ve01603]

It was so weird.  You'd be shopping and making plans in the morning and by that afternoon, you didn't know if you'd ever see them again.

[El Greco]

He left me for someone else. Then raged at me because "I just cut off!"

No contact now.

Glad its over.

Lol, same here, how crazy is that.

She left me for the love of her life than accused me of never calling so I showed who I really was.

Pfffffffff.

[ArtistGuy70]

My ex ran out of her depression meds for 4 days and crashed. She wanted to break up with me, citing that she did not feel she loved me anymore. Like an idiot, I talked to her (she was crying and saying she was confused) and we agreed on a break to think.

During this break I found out she ran off with her married, older, rich boss.

She lied and denied of course. I gave her back all her things. She finally admitted to it (but denies cheating ). I told her not to contact me ever again and that it was over. She stated, "it was over for me two weeks ago."

Nice, huh? Like a child.

[finallyhappy]

Its funny, he always left me because he couldn't take all the "drama". Then he would go out with the most vicious, hideous actions, blame EVERYTHING one me... .then he would come back, all is well... .repeat... .the last time he "left" I wouldn't take him back. Wow, that really freaked him out. It was really awesome when I said I was seeing someone else... .