My internal rollercoaster is still rolling

[anotherblond]

...Now, that has been replaced by missing having someone there. I hate to say it, but I find myself thinking about her alot. I know that I dont want her back in my life, but I want those "feeling" moments that you get with someone else. I want to experience things with someone, and since she was my last, and longest relationship, I keep thinking about all the good times we had, and all the fun we managed to squeeze out of that terrible relationship. I guess they call this lonliness. It is somber, and really, kinda tough to get through.

I miss having someone to come home to. Not that it was all that pleasant, but she was there. I miss getting a hug every once in a while. I miss having someone in my life that I know, and that knows me like that. I miss having someone to talk to, and talk back to me. I miss the little things, like looking over and seeing her asleep on the couch, or playing a game. I guess I miss the human interaction that comes with the long relationship. I find myself trying to get it from here at times, or friends. ... I guess I am finally mourning the passing of the relationship, rather than handling the drama of it all. I am not sad, hurt, nor am I the happiest person right now, just somber. I guess numb would be a good way of putting it. ...

Lost

maybe

its not the loss

of your love

that I mourn

bitter

angry

hot

dissonant

maybe its

the loss of love

itself

sweet future

searing past

memories

to be made

fingers entwined

across the distance

between the lounge chairs

before the sunset

of our days

[anotherblond]

...I see, very clearly now, that she really never changed in the dynamic that I thought. She stayed pretty true to herself. Yes, she raged, and then quieted, cheated, lied and manipulated, but she did all of this consistantly. It was my perception of her that changed so much. It was my wanting her to be what I thought she could be that kept me there. It was my desire for the perfect compliment tp my life.

She would lie to me and tell me things would be different. I would believe her. She would do things behind my back, and I would find out about them, and she would deny it, and I would believe her. I believed her because, in her lies, was the perfect companion. I wanted the woman she pretended to be, not the one she actually showed me she was. I wanted the woman in my mind, not hers. That is why I believed the lies, because it fit my image. I discarded the truth because it wasnt the person I wanted.

It was my delusion, backed up by her lies that kept me there. I believed in my dreams, and not in my eyes. It was me the entire time...

Now the tears are streaming down my face so hard - racking sobs...the truth in this..change the genders and there I am.  I hear how I've changed - as if that's a bad thing - to grow up - to start to erect boundaries and safety nets.  To look at how things really are, as opposed to how we wish they were.  That's what you started to do, and that's good for you - self preservation.

I have to take care not to feel guilty about growth and change - these are what life is all about, and the alternative - stagnation - is the true death.

I'm sorry to see you feeling so 'seasonal'.  You express it well though, and that has to be cathartic, which is good.  You have offered me words of wisdom - you are smart and sensitive.  Please know, deep down to your feet, that you are not alone.

[PDQuick]

The truth in this all is that it hurts. It hurts because we see that it was us. But, in that hurt, those tears, and that pain, lie the answers and the solutions that we are longing to find. Fairy tales are best left to the story books. Life is real. People are real. Our hopes and dreams are real. But, we cant project our image of another onto another. This is what hurt me so bad, not the leaving, not her getting married, not the abuse, but the truth of realizing that the person I loved existed only in my mind. I have yet to meet her. She is faceless to me. The woman I chose to see those things in, never possesed any of her qualities. I gave them to her in my mind, and paid the ultimate price for it.

The biggest lesson I have learned thus far through all of this, is to take people at face value. Watch their actions, and notice their words. I believed in her words, and ignored her actions, and it allowed me to perpetuate the dream. Actions are the true window into the heart and soul. Words are just breathy sounds emitted by a mouth, and carry little value to me now. I think I was sheltered as a child to some extent, and never learned this lesson until now. I hate that I have learned it the way I have, but there are worse ways to learn this lesson, so I should be relieved.

Optomism is a mindset that can get the weakest person through the strongest storm. I choose to see the light, rather than focus on the dark. It is the pathway to having learned a lesson, rather than forming a regret. If we all choose to see the light, and learn from this, we will become stronger, more knowledgeable people. If we focus on the darkness, we will fall into another abyss and wonder why. So here is to a life lesson. May the next one be more gentle on us all.

[anotherblond]

Spoken with clarity and vision.  I wish you well.

[tigertime]

I believed in her words, and ignored her actions, and it allowed me to perpetuate the dream. Actions are the true window into the heart and soul.

This is what I find hard.  Hard because I feel I put my health at risk by believing his words (more than once).  Hard because I tried to convince our children that 'this time it's different' because I believed their dad's words.  Hard because he wasn't always like this (but then neither was I!) and I really thought we had an exciting future ahead because we'd both messed up, grown from the experiences we'd had and kept finding our way back to each other. 

I believe he meant what he said when he said it.  Just as he now believes something different.  His 180 degree turns are the actions that demonstrate that what he says doesn't stay true for long.

Mind you, he could say the same about me.  I've given the impression that I'd be around for him no matter what, wait till he sorted himself out etc. and I am VERY near the point at which this is no longer true.  Scary and heartbreaking as it is, I have to find a way of letting go of the dream and of who he was/could be rather than who he is NOW.  I want to say I still love him but I don't know who it is I love.

Interesting what you say about being sheltered as a child.  This was the case with me and I guess I always thought things worked out. 

PDQ - you're well on your way I think and wise enough not to rush things.  Who knows where you'll be next Christmas...somewhere wonderful with someone wonderful...?  


tbc - beautiful poem, thanks

[NewLifeforHGG]

Well, I almost loved mine to death. Literally. It almost killed me and I have a 6 inch scar to prove it.

It is so intense so much of the time that when you stumble out of Oz you are in a daze.

Then the truth sinks in and it can feel devastating.

I don't think you will make another mistake PD. You know what it is now. You know when something feels wrong. You are too self aware to repeat this.

You are not the same man you were before. You have experienced agony and you have disclosed some painful things you had to deal with. There is no way you will ever walk down that path again.

Since you recognize this as a dangerous area then the best thing to do is work through it. Sit with the loneliness. It will pass and you will be wiser for it.

[eastmeetswest]

I agree with HGG.  One thing that is dif - we know about red flags now.  And about gut feelings...

Nothing wrong with a little lonliness.  Try to spend the time loving yourself.

[faux]

you can't go wrong loving yourself.

By the way, I had all my addictions just now.  Dr. Pepper, swiss cake rolls and now a thread hijack.  What a great fix!  HGG

[Serenity.]

it cant be quick...not for me not for you... weve seen the movie a thousand times... and there is only one survivor  us...

You trying to make me cry or somethin Tony?

Pd, it's so hard to really give up, but we know what's wrong now. Survival is the only way.

Now the tears are streaming down my face so hard - racking sobs...the truth in this..change the genders and there I am.  I hear how I've changed - as if that's a bad thing - to grow up - to start to erect boundaries and safety nets.  To look at how things really are, as opposed to how we wish they were.  That's what you started to do, and that's good for you - self preservation.

I'm sorry to see you feeling so 'seasonal'.  You express it well though, and that has to be cathartic, which is good.  You have offered me words of wisdom - you are smart and sensitive.  Please know, deep down to your feet, that you are not alone.

Quick, our hearts all break. That's why we're here. I've been exactly where you're at but weighed out my options. It hurts that THEY (the BPD) don't even know how bad we hurt and will never understand we waited for them, but BPD is incurable and everlasting. I was thinking today I couldn't believe I was still 'stuck' in this after all this time. It's a mind___. We're here for you.

[NewLifeforHGG]

There are a few things in life a girl can count on. The rise and set of the sun. The seasons changing. And Saraband hijacking a thread. All is right with the world.

[anotherblond]

tbc - beautiful poem, thanks

Thankd you!  :-*

[PhoenixSoaring]

Dear PD,

You have a way of speaking from the heart that just cuts right to the core of it all...I so appreciate what you share here.  It's very emotional for me to read what you've written - "like a letter to my soul" (as with many others here as well) I've been away for awhile...thinking I was fine, more or less.  I'm not.  So, I'm posting again, crying again, and hoping that being here again will get me through again. 

Loneliness is a strange companion.  I hate it but I know I need to let it be for now.  The loneliness is tangible, cold, and scary.  But it can teach us so much about ourselves.  Like you said, it was us all along, living in a delusional world that we now have to mourn once and for all.  I do miss parts of him, the companionship, the affection, the cuteness...you know.  Maybe I miss being needed in that codependent way...amongst other things. 

I saw him today, standing there in that self pitying way, smoking and looking sullen.  It shook me to the core.  I thought it wouldn't, but it did.  I don't miss the misery, but I miss the ecstasy.  Yet I know they are intrinsically intertwined and you can't have one without the other when it comes to BPDs.  So, thank you for prompting more tears that needed to be released.  Thank you for being so authentic.  I wish you much peace and comfort. 

[Jewls]

I believed in her words, and ignored her actions, and it allowed me to perpetuate the dream. Actions are the true window into the heart and soul.

Wow, I can't reiterate how important this message is.  Mr. Quick, profound, my dear.  This is something that should be repeated throughout this board.

[eastmeetswest]

So true Jewls and Q.  Maybe within the first month everyone should make a list of all the actions...not the words.  I just thought of that and said oh, oh.  Lust can be so intoxicating...what an idiot I was.  Don't feel bad Q, my list is worse.

[anotherblond]

Mine's pretty bad too.  Man the lines I fell for - unbeliebvable, and that should have been the key.  Instead we were married very soon.  Nearly twnety years ago.

I'm exhausted.

[Jeffree]

I think the loneliness after a BPD relationship is a lot more acute than that of a "normal" one, because so much more of our psycic energy goes into maintaining a relationship with one.

Even in the best of times, we're still investing our thoughts, feelings, and concerns into them...wondering what their mood will be, wondering how they are doing today, enduring another one of their tirades, processing another of their crazytalk moments, bearing another insult, yearning for something good to come our way from them.

Then when they're gone, we're left with only ourself, only we've learned to not even like who we are because of all the abuse that was heaped upon us. We've become alienated from our own self, and it takes a while to get reacquainted with us.

But after a while, you actually begin to be OK with the loneliness, because you realize it's better than the traumatic togetherness you had with your ex. Shortly after that, you begin to enjoy yourself again. Begin doing those things that make you you.

That's where I'm at now. I am OK with not being in a relationship or even dating. I wish I had someone somewhere to look forward to seeing, but I don't and that's OK.

But the one thing I don't miss is my ex. Holy moley...the last person I'd want to spend a second with is my ex. She is such a repugnant pile of steaming cr@p that I'd rather be single til death comes than see her. But that's just me.

PDQ, you'll be all right. You have an indomitable spirit, and some southern belle will very much appreciate that.

--J

[PDQuick]

Thanks Jeffree, but what if I want a yankee girl? LOL!

[Jeffree]

Then you better get used to being one lonely ol' buckaroo!

--J

[PDQuick]

Its ok, my ex was a yankee from Pittsburgh. Should have known a Cowboy and a Steeler wouldnt mix!

[Jeffree]

That should have been your first and only clue, dude.

[PDQuick]

Hey, that super bowl went 13 years worth!

[JerryKew]

Hey, I read you, PDQuick!

I think the holiday season is a tough time to go through. Brings back too many sweet memories of when things were OK.

Incidentally, last Christmas - the last Xmas together - was quite good. No fights. No rages. I still marvel at how well everything went. But it must have been the calm before the storm. I think even then something had already broken   in my attachment to him. I remember on New Year's Eve, at the stroke of midnight, we were all out on the pier with his family in Lisbon, everybody kissing and hugging and saying "Happy New Year! Happy New Year!" And I simply forgot to wish him a happy new year! I think subconsciously it was a deliberate mistake. Things were OK at that point but something had already died in me. I had begun to detach and break away.

A month and a half later, I was out.

Like you, I sometimes get lonely, and that's when I think about him. Like you, I don't want him back but I do mourn the companionship, the moments when the disorder didn't stand in our way, when we fad fleeting moments of joy, scraps of happiness handed to us by a mere stroke of luck.

You know, there's something amazing about our need to cling on to all things familiar. It doens't matter that there was often chaos and crazy-making and raging and abuse. It was still familiar. The familiarity of the life we once had with that partner makes us long for that life, for that past, or rather for the illusion we had - and still have - of it.

But, PDQuick, you'd better run a reality check and realize that the picture was far from being so rosy. Only today I was telling my father I didn't ever   want to see ex-partner again because of this, that and the other. Pining for that old illusionary familiarity ain't gonna help, buddy. The reality of it all was far, far worse. And you know it. Just close your eyes and reminisce...

You say you'd like "a few hugs every now then". How about "many hugs all of the time"?



JerryKew

[Karma Police]

Gads, Jerry, wouldn't that be lovely?     That made me happy just thinking about it!  Thank you.

[NewLifeforHGG]

It is a nice thought to be hugged all of the time. I used to recoil from my ex because his hugs felt like tentacles to me.

Jerry I am surprised that you were able to have a good holiday. I have never had one with the ex.

[faux]

Good hugs are the best and if you get one with a side of a good kiss it is even better.  ahhhh